Getting started in Winterhaven

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We gave it a new ending. You guys will notice there's a few silent portions of certain words being bleeped out that we decided we didn't like anymore. Yep. And now we're coming back here to let you guys know that if you want to skip about 100 episodes. 200 episodes. Sorry, Jason. Jason gave me the two. 200 episodes. Then you should just listen to the start of arc two. And the only reason we come back here to tell you guys this is it will save you a lot of time and also get you to our best stuff quicker. A lot of people will say that there's a ton of stuff in arc one that's really good and there definitely is.

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It's about two hours long and it'll save you a lot of time and effort. Yeah. So we just want to present that option here on the first episode because we know a lot of people click this first. And we just wanted to let you guys know. Just a friendly little notice. Yep. So whatever you guys decide to do, thank you for giving us a shot. We really appreciate that. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you at the end. Bye, guys. Bye. Let's let's start this whole thing off by introducing everyone. So I'm Jason. I'm going to be the DM here. Dan is playing. Who are you playing?

Duncan Joybottom. Jason. Sorry. It is pronounced Duncan Joybatom, please. I'm sorry. He is very sensitive about it. He's a southern dwarf. Duncan Joybatom. I'm sorry. Whoever's doing that, please stop it now. Oh, sorry. Asshole. I didn't know that was something that people could see. I'm sorry. I didn't know I can do that. I didn't. Fuck you. Speaking of Tyler. This is what he was doing. Tyler is going to be. Oh, by the way, Duncan is a dwarf bard. Who apparently lived a hard life because his intimidate is through the roof. Wow. You wouldn't think of bards as being tough guys, but then there's Jay.

He's going to be Thoril Songsteel, the human. What are you, Hunter, right? Ranger? Yes. No, cleric. I'm Thoril Songsteel. Yes, I said Jay. I'm Spung. No, he's Tyler, so I fucked up. This is falling apart already. So, yeah, Jay is going to be Trias Dreverson, which is a human cleric. Tyler is going to be Thoril Songsteel, which is the human ranger. I keep thinking you were an elven. I don't know why. Then we got Rob. Rob is going to be Malkus Grimness, which is a. God damn it, I forgot the race. Tiefling Hexblade. Yes. Which is fancy speak for Warlock. Yes. And then there's Justin, who's going to be playing Jarek Ironhide, a war.

Fucking Justin went right off the rails and decided to kind of forge his own trail. He's a war forged. Decepticon. He's a deceptive. Ironhide was a fucking Autobot. Yeah. So your your guys adventure pretty much starts. You have formed a group. You've only been together a few weeks. Basically, each one of you doesn't want to just live in town like you all come from different places doing different stuff. But I mean, you've you've met on the road at various times and you figured it would be easier to stick together and find your fame and fortune out there. Just just try your hand at adventuring.

Now, you've you've you've done some really small stuff like clearing rats out of, you know, cellars and, you know, little things. Finding lost animals, stuff like that. Nothing, nothing, nothing too adventurous. You want the volunteer firefighters? Apparently, we founded a junior detective agency. We were named as we were named as. You guys are totally playing Scooby. You guys have spent some money. You got some you got your arm and your swords and you show up in in these small little towns after days on the road sometimes. And and there's just nothing going on in these towns.

It's pretty peaceful, which is contrary to what you've always heard. You've always heard tales of there being goblins and kobolds and dragons and all kinds of awful stuff out there. And you just haven't run into any of that yet. I guess you live in a peaceful part of the the nation. Now, there's a guy. Yo. The part of the guy will be played by Dan. I just want everybody to know that I'm just trying to get my kids back. I'm with these guys, but you're a robot and I'm trying to find my real father. Is your adventure not friends with our adventures on LinkedIn?

Hey, does our group have a name? It's up to you guys. I mean, that'd be a good thing to discuss right now. Malchus is angels. I mean, the Cougars. No, I thought about this because I work and I had nothing to do at work. Killers in Defying Service Incorporated or Kids Incorporated, I think is the best. Now I get that. No one else gets Kids Incorporated. I feel like a pussy now. Justin's going to hate it because it's from the past. No, I hate it. I hate it because it's not sports related. It's not about lifting weights. Oh, wait. We call the bros. Well, there'll be time to figure that out.

So a dude named Parl Crane Wing, he's given you your first big job, so to speak. Now there's a keep just outside of Winterhaven. It's a town up north. And he's asked you to chart the entire thing. It's been abandoned for at least 100 years. It's long since lost its usefulness. No one goes in there. He has no idea what's inside, but he said you can keep whatever you can find. All he wants is a working set of maps for the entire thing, top to bottom. Wow. And he promised to pay you 250 gold to do this. Each or together? He's not made of money. Parl is not made of money.

I see. Okay. So you're going to have to split it, but this is your first big job. You don't have a resume to speak. I see. This is your foot in the door for future adventuring. The sort of thing that goes split one way sounds good. How much does it cost to hire a college arts student to draw the map while we're in? Actually, if it's a grad student, it's all intern work, so you pay nothing to experience. Can I do an intimidate check to try to get more money out of them? Oh, that'd be cool. Do it. Well, it's pretty good plus two. You can try to milk more money at them when you come back if you'd like, but you guys are already on the road.

Interesting. Yeah, at that point we have the item. What's he going to do? Just burn it right in front of them? Fuck them. You have no bartering leverage until you draw up these maps and chart the entire place. So you guys are on the road and you're walking. You have nothing. You guys are poor for a wagon. I thought Justin was an autobot. That's racist. All right, so we're all riding on. So Justin's carrying all of you down the street, piggyback, in his battle and on this journey. And if you guys will look at the map that you're on right now, you can go ahead and each of you drag your little icon onto the map.

Just right up top there where the road begins. All right, so now we're ready to go, which is good because on the road to Winterhaven, you're about an hour outside of town. And if they had a snowy backdrop, I would use that, but they don't. Imagination. Imagination. You are about to get jumped by some enemies here. Should we be surprised when that happens? No, no. Oh shit. [Mimics music] Was that the Pokémon battle theme? It was. Yes. I award myself 10 points. GTX, 10 points. You get plus five to every roll from now on. Forever and ever. Oh my god, there's so many of them.

Jesus Christ. Good thing that happened. So, this is the very first time that you guys have encountered any real fighting. You guys have all trained in your respective classes, but you've just never actually had any hands-on experience in a real fight. So, everyone get ready and we are going to roll initiative. Fuckin' A. Let's cut some buddies, dude. Justin's been training for this for the past hour or so, so we should be ready. The sad thing is, it's right. Is this a bad time to say that my adventuring school degree is from a correspondence college? Aw, some are bitch.

Well, those are some rolls. I learned the school of hard knocks. Yeah! Every single one of them has got better initiative than us. Almost. Oh wow, Jesus Christ. Yeah, so they're all going to be making moves before you. See, this is why I always chase cats for four months before we get out of the fuckin' battlefield. What is this, like, they have numbers on them? Like, 5, 2s and 3s and somebody that don't have any numbers at all? Well, that's them being labeled on the battlefield. So, I mean, there's a lot of Kobold minions here. Alright. So, that's Kobold minion number two, or that's Kobold.

Oh, okay, never mind, never mind. So, let's see here. Kobold Dragon Shield. So... Touch this fight, yeah. Being your first? Yes, yes it is. Don't fuckin' laugh. Let's see here. Make sure everything is set up. Yes, okay. So, he is going to move up, obviously. First battle, we're going to have to sit here for 20 minutes until he beats the crap out of us. Adventuring! It was a good first day, guys. It was a good first day. Hey, anybody want to hear a song? My bard is willing to... Listen to a lot of Enya right now. I just died in your arms behind me. Can you do something more upbeat?

No, that's all I got. I never said it was a good bard. I just said it was a bard. Alright, that was artist Duncan Joybottom here on Indie Radio. It's Joy Batum, thank you. Oh, I always mess that up. The Clan Batum. Let's see here. Does anybody have any backstory they want to elaborate on while we're waiting to get our asses smashed in? Well, I... How do I say this? Well, so you wanted to talk like, well, my mom was a dwarf and my father was a human. And as I got older, I realized that I was actually... I normally wouldn't tell people. I feel so close to you guys, though, that I'm willing to share this with you.

As I got older, I realized that I was actually fully dwarf, which means my mother was a bit of a... What's the word I'm looking for? I don't want to use... No, do not call my mother a whore. I'm just a disembodied voice. You didn't hear that at all. Hussey. I think she's a hussy. Sexually liberated. Although, I was raised as a bard because my father was a bard, but now I'm on the search for my real dwarven father. So, yeah, we'll see how that works out. Any leads so far? No. All I've been doing is killing rats and solving old ladies' crimes with you, you two fags.

Stabbing rats and you start breathing heavy is like, "God, it's just not coming to me. I don't know who my father is." One day I was just hanging out in a bar and a fucking robot came up to me and was like, "Hey, you want to earn some money?" And I'm like, "Fuck yeah." And then the robot said, "Okay, go kill that rat." And I'm like, "Ah." And the robot was like, "I need you to help me find Starscream." They brought a picture saying, "Excuse me, have you seen this boy?" So, this is a Kobold Slinger. And he's going to attack Justin. Oh, I just got slinged.

We're going to find out if you just got slinged. Is slinging the Slinger's signature move? Yes. Sure. Sling. You just got slinged. Actually, it's an elbow drop. You're close. I fucking love the time that all these minions are coming at us and we're just like, "Yeah, so I was..." You guys are sharing? That's the time? You haven't spoken to each other at all on the road and now's the time. We've been super serious while we're killing the rats and going to Lady Phaise. Liberating trees from kittens. Does 14 hit your armor class, Justin? Fuck no. Okay, well then he has failed.

He's a tremendous failure and he's really just sad about that. Small dick. Let's see here. I just wanted to bounce off of his brow and did nothing to him. And it's Justin's turn. Oh yeah, right. Oh no. Roll out. I can't actually grab the character. It's right here. I'm going to use my... I'm going to use Flame Cyclone. Damn. You have a flamethrower? It's a Flame Cyclone, so... It's actually like a hurricane, but flames. Oh. Alrighty. Oh wow, you're using an encounter power already. Yeah, I'm going to hit number 5. Because I want to show off my muscles and my talents.

Oh, let's see. Okay, so that's a standard Close Blast 3. Each creature in the blast, it targets obviously. So that's Intelligence versus Reflex. So what's your Intelligence here? Well... You said it was a Blast 3 he's doing? Close Blast 3. So he can catch like 4 dudes in that if he wants to. Yeah. So you're targeting 5, so that'll hit... Let's see... The Cobalt minion behind him, 5... The Dragon Shield, and the Cobalt slinger in front of you if you hit. That's... Alright, cool. Okay, I rolled once, that was a 7, I probably missed. Yeah, you missed him. Let's see here...

Which one... Okay, yeah, so that's 4... 2... Yes, that hit. Roll again for the slinger. 22. That hit. And roll again for the minion in the back. 16, got him. Okay, now roll damage. 1 DA plus 7, 10. Okay. So that minion is dead. Yeah! You definitely killed the minion. After the DA. Token, he's done. I need an adult. I think it automatically removes him, good. Let's see here... That metal one's not gonna get touched at all. Okay, cool, I got it. Got it? Yep. Okay, and whose turn is it next? Wait, did all of them die, or...? No, no, you missed. You missed the first one, hit the minion, he's dead, and...

I thought I hit the other two right next to me. You absolutely did, they're not dead though. Oh, so the 10 damage only killed one of them. Yes. And how do I check out how much life they actually have? You don't. Oh, okay, that's the idea. That's the... Alright, go for it. Roleplaying. The only thing we as players know is when they have half health or less, which is when they're bloodied, and that triggers certain effects. Yes. Okay, one of them... Yeah, never mind. I quit. And thus, Ironhide, quit his journey. After one attack, quit forever. Is that your reason for failing?

Of toasters. Okay, um... Duncan, your turn. Okay, so I gotta move here. The soulful sounds of Duncan Joypatom. Thank you, thank you for pronouncing my name correctly. Least I could do. All the joy with your music you've brought to the world. But his, wuv. I had a brief discussion earlier about having Duncan's bardic performance be Circus Barker. Okay, I'm gonna use Warsong Strike. Alrighty. I moved on everybody, right? Everyone can see I moved. Yes. Cool. Warsong Strike. So that is a d20+7 versus AC. Yeah, I'm doing that. There we go. My character wouldn't be saying all this, I'm sorry.

Motherfucker. Wow, okay. So, you're targeting... Yeah, that did not hit. What? Oh my god, how could that happen? What is the Warsong that you struck with, though? Is it "Rock You Like a Hurricane?" I said that one was dripping from accident. He's strumming a lute. Here I am. Rock you like a hurricane. I don't know why he sings like an old British woman. Susan Boyle is playing the part of Duncan. Old British, Manny. Alright, let's see here. What do I have to roll to summon the fuck is Orym? A hell of a lot. 560 damage, yeah. Thoril Songsteal. Tyler. Sorry to wake you.

I'm here. He just woke up under some newspapers. Paper, Crank, and Peace. Yeah, I'm only like half remembering how the hell I can do all this. Okay, well, you have all your information about your character if you right-click on your icon and then view character info. Yeah, I've been sitting here staring at it. Okay, cool. Under details and things, you've got your land speed, all that good stuff. I do? Yeah. I'll probably head right there. I see you're fleeing combat. Fuck this noise. There's somebody right there. I signed up to draw some maps. Fuck this. You're right, there's one guy there.

Does anybody see the lady over there? Let's go to her, guys. Someone else in the room. Fuck you. He's got lipstick on, he's like, "I don't know. I'm afraid of the lady." Look at her, guys, she's so pretty. As soon as I fucking did anything I'd get shit for it. I'm assuming you're going after that kobold there. Yes. Okay. Lady. I died. Not quite sure what attacks I could probably use, though. You could do a ranged one, right? You could start off with an old favorite, the ranged basic attack. Yeah, might as well. Okay. That's a d20 plus two. I hope I got that one right.

Oh, Christ. And you rolled a four. Are these dice weighted? These virtual dice are weighted, yes. They're loaded. Wow, this is not starting out so great. That brings us to Kobold minion number four. It's finally his turn. He's been sitting back the entire time, waiting patiently. I want to hear more about how Kobold minion number two is dressed up like a lady in Timpani. I'm sorry, uh, Trius. Is that your... Yes. It is Trius's turn. Awesome. I don't know if anybody's in range for this shit. Uh, you should have checked before you moved. This interface is different for me.

Sockers up to the battle. Did I bring my weapon? Oh, I forgot my wallet, guys. I'll be back. It's stabbed five times. Okay, so green is at will and red is encounter, right? Yes. Okay. You got the... The Kobold slinger right in front of Justin's character. And then you got the Kobold dragon shield right in front of Duncan. Any of them damaged yet? Uh... Can you say, or, I mean... Yeah, both of them have taken a hit. Okay. With Justin's flame cyclone, which was a great opening gambit. I'm gonna go for the... I'm trying to go for the two. Okay, so the... okay. And that is a... 20 plus 8. 20 plus 8?

Okay. No, crap. 20's not... Rollin'. 15. 15 will not hit. Shit. Can I still use the effect? Sure, why not? Dice rolls are pretty meaningless anyway in D&D. Well, it's... it cancels an effect though. I don't know if I could use that or not. Wait, what effect is it? You're one ally within five squares of you gains resistance to all damage until the end of your next turn, and the resistance equals my constitution modifier. I'm pretty sure that has to hit to get the effect. Ah, shit. Okay. Is the word literally like "effect" colon and then the description? Yeah. Okay, effects happen, like, it'll say "hit" colon if it's like from the hit.

Effect colon means it happens regardless. Okay. There you go. So, target one ally... you or an ally within five squares of you gains resistance to all damage until the end of your next turn. Cool. So who do you want to be with that? Uh... Duncan Joy with home. Alrighty. Thank you, good sir. [laughs] And that brings us to Malkus, so go ahead, Rob. Alright. Man, you guys really built a wall there, like a deed screen to walk through. A dude wall. [laughs] That's what the problem is, I believe, with D&D. [laughs] So Malkus strides on up, summons his Blade of Annihilation, which just creep you guys out because you've hung out with him for a while.

And we're gonna use Soul Eater at willpower. Wow. They've hung out with you, but they've never actually seen you use this thing because, again, you've been rescuing cats and clearing out some rats and stuff. I've seen them use it, but I don't want to talk about it. [laughs] Show us on the doll where the Blade of Annihilation touched you. [laughs] Well, in all fairness, if you did use the Blade of Annihilation to save a cat, you're doing it wrong. I'm sorry. [laughs] You said you're using Soul Eater? Yeah, how about a 21 versus AC? Uh, which one are you attacking there?

The first slinger? Uh, that's, yeah, slinger up by, um, Ironhide. Uh, what'd you get versus AC? 21? Oh god, yes. Oh god, yes, that hits. Uh, what's that? 1d12+8? Mad damage here, d12+8. Mmm, wow. Yo, I may be built to deal damage. Just don't worry. [laughs] It's gonna be a 10. 10 fire damage? Necrotic damage. Necrotic damage. Uh, yeah, he is, uh, super bloodied. Shit. Just super bloodied. He's hanging on by a thread. Oh, okay, nevermind. Duncan turns and covers his eyes, 'cause he's never seen anything like that. [laughs] Okay, and that brings us back to the top of the, uh, top of the order.

Top of the order. Top of the order. JWR writer. This it, guys, Cobalt Dragon Shield number one. Yeah. [laughs] The famous Cobalt Dragon Shield number one. Sounds like a Chikara character. [laughs] He is gonna stay right where he is. Bussy. [laughs] No, you know what? Oh, shit. [laughs] He's gonna move up. [laughs] Um, he steps through my threatened area if he stops there so I can take a swing at him. Yes, this is true. You get an opportunity attack. Kill it. Even if it were to pass you and move on that close to you, you'd still get an opportunity attack. You don't, you know that though, so.

I just, look, this isn't my first time at the Geek Rodeo, okay? [laughs] Uh, and that's a 15 versus AC. Uh, that, that misses. Oh, okay. [laughs] Why are you cheering? He's on your team. [laughs] Yeah, he was doing good. We were all jealous of him. We were, he didn't know. We were talking about him behind his back though, about how. Uh, he's gonna pull out a short sword. And, uh, take a swing at you. If it rolls. Oh, I have to select dice. Um. Uh, 15 versus your AC. Miss with. Well, shit. [laughs] Uh. The missed game, Kobold. [laughs] You two have the most ineffectual sword fight ever. [laughs] And that will...

Stage combat? Yes. You're making a good show of it though. Ha ha. How about the... Ha ha, too slow. [laughs] I am not left-handed. [laughs] Ah, we need more Princess Bride references though, seriously. Aw. Don't worry. [laughs] The night is young, gentlemen. Uh, let's see. You know what? Uh, Mr. Kobold Dragon Shield on this side now is gonna pull out his short sword. Take a swipe at Duncan here. And that is a 25 versus your AC. What damage resistance? Oh shit, he does have damage resistance. Shit, he does have damage resistance, doesn't he? Uh, so I guess that doesn't happen.

Then I should be paying attention. Suck it. These Kobolds aren't very smart, guys. It's not the DM's fault. These Kobolds, they're not very brilliant. Yes, that's what it is. [laughs] It's not like a zombie, but you know. Uh, this Kobold slinger's gonna back up a bit. Because he's limping backwards. You're just allowing him. He's all like, "Is that a fucking robot in front of me?" [laughs] I didn't say I have to fight fucking robots, guys. I'm sorry. You're a very creep. [laughs] It's a fucking Robocop. [laughs] Oh god, wow. Uh, but he's gonna take out his sling again and give this another shot.

He has not hit anything on the battlefield yet. And the one time he tried, he got lumped up by three of his friends. [laughs] So, let's see here. Would a 14 hit your AC, Justin? Uh, 14? No. Well, then that's another... He's gonna die a failure, apparently. [laughs] He has a slingshot! He's the Dennis the Menace of Kobold slingers. He's all bloodied up. [laughs] Uh, let's see. His buddy's gonna move up, though. Are we sure they're buddies? Well, buddies in that they're just trying not to die, so they have to fight to get it together. They thought they were gonna get un-upprehended in this one.

They did not. Uh, so let's see. This Dragon Shield is gonna pull out his short sword. Oh shit. And attack Jay. Oh no. Dick. Would a 10 hit your AC? Ha ha, that tickles now. He touched me. Kobold is super pissed. [laughs] And it is Jarek's turn. Justin? Alright, I'm gonna use Green Flame Blade. God damn it, you have the coolest attacks. On number 5. Okay, and let me see here. That means I have to roll a 20 side die plus 8 modifier. Just say D20. It'll be super quick that way. Uh, yep. Go ahead. 15. Uh, no. That misses. Oh wow. That's pathetic. [laughs] Well, I guess it's his turn.

You need to work on your targeting HUD there, robot. Do you wanna move or anything? Are you good right there? No. You good? No, then they'll get behind us and boost up to us. [laughs] Butt stuff. Let's see here. That brings us to Kobold minion number 2. [laughs] "I'm a pretty lady!" [laughs] The pretty lady with the dress and the wigs. I don't know. Kobold slinger, Kobold dragon shield, Kobold transvestite. [laughs] He just cast a level 9 love spell on Tyler. [laughs] Ooga. He used the counter power, "It's a trap!" [laughs] Oh, okay. So, yes. He is going to use his javelin.

Oh, fuck! Against Tyler in the back here, Thoril. A 22. Does that hit your AC? Yeah. I would imagine it does. He just did 4 damage to you. It's kinda weird. You wanted to pierce him with your javelin, but he did the exact same thing to you. [laughs] Okay, I've adjusted your hit points there on the side, you'll notice. You were 27, now you're down to 23. [laughs] It's not over, man. First blood is... I get to pick the fight with the one who can actually aim. Yeah, he's the first one to make a hit in this fight, I think, except for Jeltsin. It's point blank, though.

If I can quote a Magic the Gathering card from Tempest, "First blood is as important as last blood." Ah. Can we play Magic the Gathering? Wasn't playing intensely during Tempest. Oh, it was good. It was a good expansion. That's not what we're here to talk about. Duncan! Well, Duncan's really confused because he just heard Malcom talk to a disembodied voice about a game that hasn't been invented yet. "I really like a good red-white deck." But it is owned by the same people who own this game, so technically it's okay. That's just product placement, Dan. It is.

That's how we funded this game. That's how you funded your adventure. He's gonna stick with Warsong Strike, because that worked so well for me in the past. And I'm gonna go after Duder here in front of me, number two. Alrighty. So, here we go. Roll it. 25! That is a big hit. Yeah! 1d8 plus 4. Yes. Let me get that up here. And then I gotta take away my old one. Carry the one. And go. Ah, 6. 6. Yep. That is a hit. Yeah, motherfucker. Is he dead? No. He's not even bloodied yet. 6 wasn't enough. No, no, no, no. The Dragon Shields took front for a reason. Those motherfuckers jumped up front because, you know.

So, because that Warsong Strike hit, guys, anyone else who hits that dude before the end of Dan's next turn gets three temporary hit points. So, farm that dude. Let's see here. Who's next? Why, it's Kobold minion number 6. I love that guy. He's a big hit with the ladies. He's really good. Now what happens to Kobold number 1? All his dreams come true. All his dreams come true. Let's see here. He's gonna take a swing at Rob. Who's Rob? Oh, sorry, Malchus. Oops. I'm sorry, I broke the fourth wall. You broke K-fabe. He's gonna use his Javelins, so that is a d20+5. Boom, does 14 hit your armor class?

With. Okay, so, swing and a miss. And that brings us to Tyler. The only fucking one with aim is the one I pick a fight with. Seriously. They're just like sitting there with like their swords. Mine's the one that just takes a Javelin and just jams it into my stomach. He's the one that I practiced? He just like gets up to you, "Practice, fucker!" "Yes, fucker!" Is somebody outside right now? That's just air conditioning. I realize I don't have any cool signing attacks. Just very basic ones. Alright, I'm gonna use hit dude. Hit dude. Basically just a melee basic attack on the number 2 Kobold.

Yeah, hit dude can be very effective. I'm just letting you know. You gotta do a weapon attack there. Basic melee. Basic melee would probably be your best bet right now. Yeah, that's what I just said. Basic melee on the Kobold. The Mason Ryan attack. Okay. D20+7. Oh, come on! 12. That will not hit anything. Jesus Christ. He's still very much in your grill, as it were. Can I do a religion check? If you'd like? I don't think that's gonna help you. Can I do a religion check? I'd like to know what religion the Kobolds have so I can say something really offensive. Get him like really pissed off at us.

Sure, if you'd like. Alright, 20 sided die. Induce an existential crisis so they have the full fight. Host 5. Would be... 14. The first thing you notice is that Tyler is praying in the back. The world is definitely doing some sort of prayer. Though you're not familiar with what it is. And... You do notice that one of the Kobolds is wearing like a... Kind of an emblem on him. And it is a religious symbol. You do recognize it as a religious symbol but you don't... The battle is too furious. You can't tell what it is right now. So that did actually prove to be effective.

That served a purpose. Well you're welcome guys. Meanwhile... Kobold Mending number 4... Aw fuck me. So it's a roll. He's gonna use his patented Jablon attack. Shit! 11. Does that hit your ace? Oh thank fucking god, no. Alright, and next up we got... Trias! If I were to do a run in over there towards Thorol, would I make it? You might as well not. He can come over here. Seriously, come over here with the fucking rest of the group. You got... What do you got, a 5 land speed? It would take you... I mean, you could either move twice and not attack, or you can move...

You have a ranged attack, you could probably get over there and... You know, it's up to you. If you move twice though, they'll each get to take a swing at you as you're running away. Oh shit, wow. This is true. You can take one move to do a 5 foot step that doesn't provoke, and then use like a second move to truck it over. Or you can hang out over here and we can talk behind his back about what a douche he is. [Laughter] So you got options, is what they're saying. I kind of get that elbow nudge, and I'm like, "Hey man, really? You wanna go over there? Come on." Fuck that guy, he's never gonna do anything. [Laughter] He never did nothing for us.

Can't grab first and final without getting stung. So this is your guys' first fight, and in your first fight he's getting double teamed, and this is, you know, just letting you know. This guy's not already throwing a towel on me, he's like, "Fuck him." [Laughter] He's gone. We can get more interns. [Laughter] Guys, I passed out a bunch of applications, we're cool. Just answer me this, how hot was she? Was it the kind of jacket we lost in here? [Laughter] Alright, I'm going to use, uh... Blessing of Battle again. Alrighty. On 2 right there, yeah, on the number 2 guy.

Cobalt Minion 2. 27. Holy shit, you hit! Fuck yes. My head. Okay, so let me see, uh... Hold on, I gotta go back to my... That is 1d8+6 damage. 1d8+6, alright. Wait, oh, that's a 6, sorry. 8+6. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Bro. Damn! Okay, so you've gored the shit out of him. Whoever the green hand is, please... [Laughter] So he's ultra-mega dead. Damn, okay, awesome. And I'm going to apply the damage resistance over to Thoril. Okay, good. He needs help. Okay, so Duncan no longer has it, and Thoril has it. And that brings us to Malkus. Alright. Oh, that slinger that I want to lay out totally stepped away. [Laughter] He's pretty...

Yeah, he's pretty much bleeding. His kidneys are failing, it's awful. God damn. Alright, I'm not going to wade through that mess just to get to that one guy. Let's get down to business right here. That's a Cobalt Dragon Shield to my right. I'll swing at him. Soul Eater again. d20+8. Okay. That's an 18 versus AC. That is a hit. Nice. Sweet. d12+8. Doing 12 damage to that guy. Alrighty. And I'm just going to... No, I'll take a... I'll spend my move action to move 5 feet just so I'm out of the major part of the fray here. Okay. [Laughter] And that concludes it for me.

Alrighty. Thank you. And we are back to the top of the order. Which is starting to thin out a little bit. Okay, that brings us to Dragon Shield. He's going to step forward and attack Jarek here. [Jarek howls] [Laughter] Let's see. He's going to use his short sword attack. I hope not. 18. Does that hit your AC? Yes. Let's see if I can get a little more... I'll start until the end of the next turn. So you're marked until the end of the next turn. What does that mean? Rob, you probably break it down a little better than I can. Sure, sure. So when somebody marks you, that means you take a -2 penalty to all attack rolls that don't include them as a target.

So basically he's saying, "Hey, take me on. You can't pick the most favorable target. You've got to swing at me or you take a penalty." Oh wow. Oh, so I can't hit that guy who just put a mark on me or I take a penalty? Right. He's basically tanking you in video game parlance. Okay, okay. So if you don't attack him, you take a -2 to the attack roll. Just going to get really pissed off and hit his best friend while watching him. Because these are the heavy hitters of the group, so to speak. So that's a 9. I'll take that. What was it, 8? 9. I got it already. You're set.

Oh, well. Yeah. Next up, that brings us to Kobold minion. Shit, we already added the party. Okay. That's Dragon Shield 2. Okay, so he's going to take a swing. He's going to take a swing at Duncan here. And there's a d20+7. 9. So that's going to miss. Yeah. Which brings us to our Kobold slinger. Keep on keeping on. He's had a vendetta against Joustin since the beginning. He wakes up every day and just curses. He has a picture of him, he just does push-ups and looks at the picture of him. He's got blood love and hate tattooed on his fingers. They had to be one hit of push-ups because the other one's holding his organs down.

Does the 16 hit your AC, Joustin? Just dried blood all over him from the battle because he refuses to remove it. 16 does not hit. Okay. Poor little fuck-up. He is the worst ranged attacker ever. One of his eyes is just hanging out on his cheek. Everyone else is just like, "Go! Just go, man!" He's like, "Nah, fuck this, man. I got this." "Stay down!" Alright, Dragon Shield #5 is going to take a swing at Joustin. Oh no! 21 does hit your AC, though, doesn't it? Yes, yes. Okay, so that's going to be D8+6. Another 9 damage. Alright, down to 10. You are bloodied. And next up is you, Joustin.

Alright. I'm going to try Green Flame Blade again, on number 5. Okay. Plus 8. I'm rolling. 9. Motherfuck! So that is a miss. Duncan! Yeah, should I heal this dude over here? That's what I was about to say. I thought I could move backwards if I wanted to. It only takes your minor action. Yep. What's a minor action? Oh, I was talking to Dan. So every round you get a standard action, a move action, and a minor action. It's just most people don't have much to do with their minor action at this level. The Healy types, though, whoever is playing the War Priest, and Dan's Bard, Duncan, both can use their healing ability as a minor action to target someone within 5 squares.

Yep. Cool, cool. Everyone else has got to be... you either attack or heal. Oh. Yeah. I'm just trying to see here... where's my heal here? Oh, those are under healing surges. Oh, okay, so it's an encounter, so you can only use it once. Yeah. Okay. It's a special kind of encounter power that you can use twice. You'll see that in the text. Oh, yeah, there it is. Look at that. Okay. So I'm gonna use Majestic Word for cowboy over here, RoboCop. [laughs] So there's no attack roll involved. Okay. I'm gonna pull you up so I can see the effect on my screen. The target can spend a healing surge and regain additional hit points equal to the number of... equal to Dan's charisma modifier.

I'm sorry, Duncan. And you can also slide the target one square. Yeah, so Dan, you can actually slide him one square to a more favorable position, because your healing power makes him dance. Yeah. And I have an 8, right, for charisma? That's my modifier? I think you have a 4, because you have an 18 for your score. Yeah, so I heal him 4 and then move him, basically. So he heals his healing surge value, which is a quarter of his total hit points, plus 4. Okay, awesome. And then you can slide him one square, and you can consult him with this movement, or you can just do it.

Okay. You can ask him or force him. Hey, Jerick, wanna move? No, I'm okay. Too bad you're moonwalking away. He's doing the robot. I'm gonna use the majestic word. No, he didn't move, so he's doing the running man. The bird is the word. So he just gained 11 hit points. Bird, bird, bird, bird is the word. Very majestic. I'm inspired. No, no, you're not inspired, because I haven't done my inspiring refrain yet. I'm sorry, wrong emotion. Alright. These yuppies get their tickets to the Bard concert on Groupon, and they just misinterpret everything. So Duncan raises his hands in the air and starts going, "Don't stop believing." And goes after, I guess I can hit 2 with this, right?

So I'll be taking on Kobold Dragon Shield in front of me. Okay. Both of them. Let me do this here. Take that guy away. And it's a modifier of 7. So I will roll. Okay, so I got 19. That's a hit, now roll for 5 there. For Dragon Shield 5. That's a 24. You hit both of them. Nice. Oh, you're totally right, so we got one of them. I'm sorry. Cancel my last roll. [laughter] I mean, cancel my last song that I sang. So what you get is your weapon die twice, plus that same modifier as you always get. Yeah, so I get D8 plus twice. Okay, that's not a D8. If you guys find me coaching too much, just say, "Shut up, bro." No, dude, it's fine.

Okay. So D8 plus 4, I get to do it twice. Well, no, you can just click on the D8 twice and it'll automatically put 2 in there for you. Yeah. There it is. Roll. 17. Uh, oh, he's very, very bloodied. Yeah, he is. Wow. What's the rest of that hit effect on that die? The hit effect is plus cruise modifier damage, and each ally within 5 squares of me gains a +1 power bonus to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. Ah. So if we all whomp on that dude, we're a little more accurate until Dan's next turn. No, I think you all just... No, you all are. If you're within 5 squares of me, you just get it.

Plus 1 attack boner... Plus 1 attack boner, that's not what I meant. Did you just say that? What the hell? Plus 1 attack boner. You all get plus... It's not targeted toward that guy. No, yeah, you can just all get it. Whoever you... Everyone can get the attack boner. Go ahead. You have to sing "boner city" while you're attacking him, though. Boner city. You're uncomfortable. [laughs] Alright, dragon... Okay, the dragon. Cobalt minion number 6. Coming back to sing his hits. Ah. Alright. No. No, you know what? He's gonna move right there. Ah. He is going to attack Justin, but since Justin's not here, he'll hear about it later. [laughs] Ah, that is a...

D20 plus 5. That is a 17, and that misses him, so... He never needs to know about that. Man. Thoril. Or Tyler. Hey, choose blood. It's a basic attack on number 4. That's probably wise. [laughs] Praise God. See, so he wandered up here thinking this was going to be a pretty easy fight, and all of a sudden, a goddamn cleric wanders up and starts taking people out. Liquefies his friend, and suddenly is not a party anymore. His friend just turned inside out in front of him. [laughs] Which scares the shit out of cobalt minion number 4. Ah, so... D20 plus 7. 17. Oh, that's a hit. [laughs] Alright.

Just don't kill him. [laughs] So, damage is D10 plus 8. 9. Ah, he did. Awesome. What did I just tell you? [laughs] I tell you I love him. Ah, super, super dead. Ah, which brings us to... Do you want to move or anything? Um... That would be the best. Yeah, yeah. That would probably be smart. Most of the way back to the fight here. Yeah. So, moving diagonally... There was a fight there. Moving diagonally can just count as one, right? Yeah. Flank 'em. Yeah, flanking mechanics. Ugh. Well, actually... Can I just... I can't. I can move right through the tree, can I? No, you can't.

No? It's a tree, man. Well, I know, but it's like, you know, you can walk under it. [laughs] Actually, actually Bethesda made it and said, "Yeah, you can walk through anything, but there's a good chance that you can fall through the ground." [laughs] You can't walk through it. You can jump against it and kind of... Until you get up the wall. Yeah. And if you've got a horse, just... Bob him. [laughs] I'm going to do an athletics check so I can climb on the tree and snipe from afar. [laughs] And there's a cleric shoe on the ground. I'm going to do a little bit of a jump. [laughs] And snipe from afar.

And as a cleric, sure, why not? I used to have really good athletics. Uh... So it's Trias, Trias... How do you want to pronounce your name? Trias. Trias, okay. Trias, your turn. Look, we're here. Alrighty. Join the man wall. [laughs] A man wall. And a robot. [laughs] Uh... Gonna use my blessings of battle once again. Oh, alrighty. You gotta stop talking about his race. He doesn't like it when you bring that up. [laughs] And I am going to attack, uh... Number two. Number two, perennial favorite, cobalt dragon shield number two. Uh... Don't kill him. That is a D8, uh, D20.

Right. One, two, three, four. Don't I get like a plus one? You do get a plus one. You're absolutely right. No, actually you don't. Because you weren't within five squares of him when... Oh, right, okay. Yeah. Roll. 26. Uh, yeah, that's a hit. [laughs] Sunk my battle shit. Woo! [laughs] D8 plus six. [laughs] Awesome more Hasbro product placement. [laughs] Eleven. Uh, he's dead. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, that was a D12. My bad. Oh. Motherfucker. [laughs] Okay, here we go. Roll. Thirteen. Even more. He's even more dead. Wait. You did a D12 again. How the fuck? It's the one that looks like a diamond.

Oh, I see. Okay, I see. I thought the top one was the, um... That's the one that looks like a diamond. It's just after the six. That's a D10, motherfucker. Even you have reduced him to salsa. [laughs] Duncan stands back and watches as he pulls out different weapons. Seven, seven, over there. Here's a spoon, guys. You rolled a one. You have like a main tank in Dragon Age, just coated in blood at all times. Here's the problem. You just rolled a one, which is a critical miss. No, wait, that was damage. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, sorry. My bad. Uh, yes, he's very good at this.

You just gashed his goddamn stomach wide open. Okay. Dead, dead, dead. Awesome. Oh, and uh... That's an evil stare as he stole his kill. [laughs] Sorry. That brings us back to Malkus. I'm gonna get damage assistance to Justin, sorry. Malkus in the middle. [laughs] Yes. Alright, he's a middle child now, that's a little bit of a problem. [laughs] Life is unfair. He's actually in the middle of a rock and roll. You're fucking singing. What do you need me here for? You want me to go? I'm gonna go flirt with some fucking cobalt like Thor over there. Is it wrong that I just make more abundant pop culture references when I'm in here?

I'm like, "Hey guys, you know that Skyrim? How about that Skyrim Dragon Age, you guys?" Oh. Alright, enough with that, my turn. So, alright, being a meticulous warlock and setting things up in advance, I hit that cobalt dragon shield with my soul eater, getting a +2 bonus to my attack roll on the next round. So, I'm gonna hit him with my encounter power now so that's less likely to be wasted. As follows. And you get a +1. Uh, it doesn't stack. They're both power bonuses, unfortunately. Bummer for me, great for everyone else. Uh, which encounter power are you using?

Oh, do I have to say it's got like the longest name ever. Uh, Blazing Doom of the Void? Void. I gotta know so I can see what you're doing. I can't just have like Fire Sword. I have that all, Steve. You have Blazing Doom of the Void? I accidentally talked shit about the sword. I'm sorry. So that is a d20+8. Alright, and then two more so 10 because of my bonus. That's 23. That is a hit. Alright, two weapon damage. Oh, this is gonna brutalize this dude. He went right in his butt. 2d12+8. Right in his butt. Craped the shit out of everybody. Is he facing away? If he's facing away, I'll do it in his butt.

I mean, it's... He's gonna do it. If he's facing away, I'll do it in his butt. He's looking towards Jeff. So you get the side of his butt. You can get a glancing blow off butthole if you choose. He can blow off one of his buttcheeks. If you're so inclined, you can do that. 27 damage. Yeah, he's very dead. He's super dead. Hey, no hex. Just blood spatters everywhere. Alright, like a goddamn water balloon. Being a warlock, all this murdering gets me bonuses. So first of all, I... Because that's what I'm into. So I have three temporary hit points from my soul feast power because I just kinda ate his soul.

Look, I get hung. Like Will Sasso. And, um... Oh, I get a +5 damage bonus against the target before the end of my next turn, but that's kinda moot. I'm almost done making salsa. This concludes my turn. Alright. No, I have a move. I step up. You moved already. Oh, no, you're right. I shifted. You did shift. All set. You devil. You're trying to see what you can get away with? I get it. Gotta move up 23 spaces. Guys, let's see if Jason's paying attention. He's gonna bump your head one at a time. I'm gonna do an insight check. This brings us back to the saddest character in the game so far.

The Kobold Slinger. Who has attacked four times and not hit a damn thing. This is it. This is break. He can feel his pulse in his fingertips, though, so... That's real funny. If the line's gonna crumble, we're all just gonna charge at my fuckin' butt-hungry zombies or something. Wonderful. internal monologue about it. Alright, he's gonna use his sling. What would you if I sang? There's a 12. Of course it doesn't hit your fuckin' armor class. No. Wait, who's he? He's you. It's always you. He's head of vendetta against you. He's moving back two spaces, though. No, you know what?

He's moving back... More. I like the fact that we're having the problem with the originals, though. He's not a number 7 or a number 23 or something. He has no number. He's the only one of this kind. He's the only slinger on the field. And I think, I see why they only brought one slinger to this fight. That brings us to Cobalt Dragon Shield number 5. He's gonna use his shortsword. The rest of the cobalt are like, "Yeah, his mom knows my mom. I promised I'd take him out for this." I just picture him using small rocks and just like, "Eugh!" He doesn't know how to use a sling, so it's just going everywhere.

We don't give him the sharp weapons. He's hitting his buddies. Look, guys, we can go and raid this troop of travelers, but we gotta bring my little brother along. He's like the little brother in fucking Christmas Story. I'm just killing Jarek. He tried to dive in and get some of it on him real quick. I like the theory, though. That's why he can't aim well, because he can't put his arms down. He's just wobbling behind him. So the Cobalt Dragon Shield right in front of Treyas is gonna swing at Treyas. That's a 20 versus AC. Oh, sorry. That's you. You're Treyas.

I just, yeah, it's like, "Who's Treyas?" Huh? What? 20 versus your AC. Yes, that's it. Oh, fuck, that's a hit. You gotta say, "Yes!" Well, yes. So you are marked, firstly. Wait, which one is this guy? Sorry. Oh, the guy right in front of you. Is he marked out? No. So he's gonna roll a d8 plus 6. Yay! 7 damage. Oh my fucking god. Alright, rocking a little harder now for the Cobalt. Woo, go home team! You wiped out more than half of them, but they are... Alright. That brings us to Justin, Jarek Ironhide. I'm going to use Green Flame Blade against number 6. Oh shit, sorry.

Please let me hit him, I swear to god. Here we go. 28! Oh yeah, that hits. That's a critical hit. So what do you have to roll, Justin? Because that's maximum damage. 1d10. That's it? Plus something? Plus 5. Okay, you just did 15. That's maximum damage. You cut him straight in half, he's dead. Well, it does also 5 fire damage to number 3. Well, wait, what happened? Oh, Jesus Christ, you're gonna make me read. I would. I'm telling you, fire damage and also deals fire damage equal to your strength modifier to all enemies adjacent to the target. Okay, well, that's legit.

Too legit to quit. So you cut his buddy in front of him in half and the shockwave afterwards hits him with flame damage. Yep. And kills him too. Kills him too? Ow. You can move now too if you'd like. I have 6 faces? Now, if I try moving any farther straight, then the other number 5 is gonna get me, right? Yeah, he has an opportunity to attack if you do that. Okay. You still have damage resistance for me, though, right? I... Well, yeah, I think so. So that still would trigger the attack. You're disengaging, though. You know what I'm saying? It's not just moving past him.

You're connected to him, basically. You're locked in... Think of it as pirate ship combat. You moving away any more than one space. How much would that... Like, I can only disengage and that's that? Yes. Right, so if you move more than one space and you're exiting an adjacent space, that's how they get the attack. Yes. Okay, so what I have... That doesn't stop your movement, though. You can try to move the 6 if you want, and he's just gonna take a swing as you move. As you're moving. Like, it's early in the day. You've got a lot of healing surges. If you just wanna soak that and be like, "Eh, we'll just heal up after battle," that's fine.

To go after your nemesis? Yeah, you're fine. So, he's gonna take a swing at you with his shortsword. And that's a d20+8. Can you imagine what that slinger is thinking, watching the guy that he just tried to shoot five times and missed? Think about that. Every single time, just like swing his sword once and kill two of his buddies with one hit? Well, I did my fair share of missing also. You need to ask that slinger where John Connor is. Okay, so the kobold you just walked past brazenly, as you're going for his friend, you point at his buddy and you're just moving towards him.

Kobold slinger's shit in his fucking pants. He can't flee much further. And his buddy misses as he swings at you, so... You've cleaved a buddy of his in twain. Like, just fucking, just boom. And the shockwave afterwards was enough to kill his friend behind him. [Laughter] That's fucking terrifying. That's fear on a level I never want to experience. And it's a goddamn robot ninja. [Laughter] I know the fucking move I'm making is next. Even Malchus is scared, but he gets his powers from hell. [Laughter] Malchus is laughing hysterically right now. That brings us to Duncan, actually.

I just pictured a warpriest clutching his rosary or whatever, just like, praying for salvation. [Laughter] Can I laugh hysterically as a minor action? Sure. [Laughter] Okay, I'm rolling for that. No, no. [Laughter] Natural one, your laugh does not exist, I'm sorry. Damn it, from that laugh that you... You choke on your spittle. You choke on your own spit. [Makes choking noises] Okay, I'm gonna go out here, Mr. Dragon Shield here. Okay. 'Cause he's a douche. [Laughter] He's one of the last remaining douches. Yeah, so, uh, War Song Strike is making its comeback here.

Alrighty. In honor of comebacks, he sings, uh, fucking, I don't know, Meat Loaf. The final countdown? [Laughter] Like, comebacks off? No, he's all like, "And I will do anything." [Laughter] So you're in a ruffled shirt, I think you're a werewolf in that video, I don't know what the hell's going on. Yeah, he was something. A vampire or something? I don't know what the hell's going on in that song. And, uh, roll it. Oh yeah, I sing "Rollin'" by Went This Day. Oh, so that's a fail off the bat, you just missed, critically. Uh... You got minus ten for that. It's 'cause I sang "Rollin'." [Laughter] Rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'.

Move in and move out. You rhymed the word "here" with "here" and everyone realized you're not a very good part. [Laughter] Uh, so that's a ten? Yeah. Uh, you missed. [Laughter] He's not that amazing. I just wanted to say it again. Okay, I'm sorry, I was speaking hypothetically, I didn't notice the dice roll at the bottom. [Laughter] Uh, that brings us to Thorol Tyler. Oh, this poor slinger. [Laughter] Oh, shit, wow. So, Thorol advances, sidles right up next to the slinger, even though the slinger fled from battle. Tonight is your night, bro. Melee basic attack.

Oh, god. Twenty-seven! Oh, critical hit! Oh, wow. What's your damage roll for that? Maximum damage. Uh, yeah, he is... he does... he no longer exists. [Laughter] Fatality. Well done. Can you really imagine? [Laughter] The whole time, he's sitting here missing, and then he watches the guy go and clean his bunnies, and he starts walking towards them. He's shitting himself in the next thing he knows. He's getting destroyed in the side. He's staring ahead. He's staring ahead at the robot ninja walking towards him. All of a sudden, this fucking... the ranger sidles up next to him.

Hi. And just full of dust. Gone. Dead. Duncan's looking on from afar, because he's not paying attention to the dragon shield right in front of him. And he's watching Jarek as he just gives, uh, gives fucking Thorol a death stare for stealing his kill from him. [Laughter] So... And Jarek says, "Stop making fun of Shane, motherfucker." He's just staring at him, and he's just like, "Oh shit. Oh shit." And then I just come up, dodge this, and... [Laughter] And it sucks because your character... The portrait looks like Ultimate Warrior with his staff. [Laughter] So...

How did he sneak up on me? [Laughter] There, uh, there is one kobalt dragon shield remaining. There sure is. And there are five of you. So let's do this math. Um... Next up... I'm gonna see if I can do something about that. Hold on. Next up is Treyas. [Laughter] Uh, blessing of battle. Aw, and the only fucking person left on the field. Do you wanna, uh, do you wanna do flanking 101 here real quick before you hit him? Sure, 'cause you're flanking him. Yeah. So now that you can, if you can draw a straight line from an ally to you right through an enemy, that means you're flanking, you both get a +2 bonus to attack rolls.

Mm-hmm. Until that guy gets out of the mess. Awesome. I did not know that. You got him coming and going. There's nothing he can do. This poor bastard. Tag team. [Laughter] Then here's the, uh, 3D attack. Oh, no. Duncan tells Treyas to get the tables, and then he laughs hysterically 'cause he's really got it. [Laughter] 20. Yeah, that's, that's, that's a hit. Alright. Alright. Now I'm not gonna fuck up this time, though. Okay. Plus... Okay, plus 6, and then I get +2, right? Uh, just say +8. +8, okay. Yeah. Okay. Roll. 11. Uh, 11 damage. Uh, he's not even bloodied yet.

Wow! He is in this fight. He's in it to win it. Goddammit. [Laughter] I'm gonna give, uh, damage resistance over to, um, Joy Batam. [Laughter] Bring us home, man. Uh, Malchus. Oh, crap. Okay. Alright, um, let's see here. Let's use my other at will power. Let's, um, let's do an Eldritch Bolt. So I will slide over this way, and I will line up my, uh, I guess it's not a magical rod yet. It's just, look, it's just for show. It is. And I point my rod at him, and I fire Eldritch Energy. [Laughter] That's crude. Come on, you guys. Let's get over that joke on first day at warlock school. [Laughter] Making the rod jokes.

So I'm gonna take my Ancient Phallus. What I missed. What I missed, guys. What I missed. [Laughter] 11 versus reflex. And let's see here. Uh, you missed. Oh, crap. [Laughter] So you moved, that was your action. You're done. [Laughter] And that brings us to the man himself, Kobold Dragon Shield number 5. It's staying. Is Jerk, is Jerk, is he like a robot that just picks up things and repeats them over and over again? [Laughter] He's Bumblebee. All he can do is just repeat memes and quotes from movies. [Laughter] Rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. [Laughter] You know what I'm saying? [Laughter] Uh, okay.

So... [Sigh] Uh, Kobold Dragon Shield number 5 here. He's fucking pissed. You killed all his friends. [Laughter] Uh, that was definitely not in the plan. So... You dicks! Uh, he's gonna swing it at Treyas here. Uh, 20 versus your AC. Ah shit, he hits a hit. Ah, alright. So... That's a hit. And that's a D8 plus 6. And you're marked. Still, by the way. That's 8 damage. 8 damage. So I am down to... 11, I believe. Uh, you're bloodied. Wow. Broke my fucking nose. [Laughter] Which I'm sure he'll pay dearly for. I'm gonna get that picture. Just looks like he has a Cognia accent.

Boy, you did it now. Blimey, you hit my nose, you did. [Laughter] Which brings us back to Jarek Ironhide. I'm gonna use, um... Whirly Blade. [Laughter] No, but I do. I'm gonna go Rake. [Laughter] You're gonna use your daily power. Yes. On this last remaining... We're gonna all take a nap after this. [Laughter] I have another one anyway, so who cares? It's all smooth sailing from here, guys. [Laughter] Wolverine, get down! [Laughter] Okay, I'm going to throw my, uh... I'm going to throw my sword at him. God damn. Like a fucking Jedi. [Laughter] If something gets down... [Laughter] Alright, let's hope this goes well.

D20+8. 28. God. Crit! Crit on the daily. [Laughter] I'm gonna do two. Do D10s, plus five. God damn. No, wait. That's 25 damage you just did to him. Really? The D10s just flat max out. Yes, you hit a crit. That was a 20. You rolled a natural 20. That's it. And guess what? That was just enough to kill him. Just enough, really? He wasn't even bloodied yet. Justin turns around, throws his sword from across the battlefield. Not point of damage wasted. Very nicely done. Just... That's it, guys. That wraps up combat. You're done. You're good. [Woo!] Take our tops off! [Laughter] And you continue on to the town of Winterhaven.

Unabated. It's enough loot with them to give us, so I'm keeping my shirt on. Hey, can we do an insight to see what they dropped? Yeah, if you want to look around, that's fantastic. What is that insight? Perception, I think. That was perception. They dropped that religious symbol. You can do a religious check or a history check on it. Me. I can do a history check on it. Wait, do I have that? No. History. Holy cow. I can intimidate the loot. Yeah, that's... All my silver skills, I can't talk to the dead. Duncan proceeds to yell at the corpses. I don't know what you're now.

I'm looking for your wife, Jack. This tree is covered in fucking blood. Where is my father? [Laughter] Duncan just starts poking at him. He's like... I'm going to try to heal them. [Laughter] Bring them back to life so we can fight them again. Get back up so I can kill you a second time. So, Jay, you wanted to roll a religion check? I'm guessing you're the cleric. You don't... I mean, it's... Okay, I assume that more... Like, there's other people here who have better, like, insight... Who also have a good insight and a good history as well? I have history. Well, this is just religion or history.

Okay, I see. Uh, yeah, those are the same. Ah, what the fuck, religion. Okay. So, what do I do? Just roll a d20. Let me know what you get. Wait, doesn't that mean you also have to put a modifier on it? No. It's just a flat-out check. There is a religion skill. Yes. Yeah. That's what... What am I talking about? Plus five. Yeah, sorry, plus five. I thought he already included that when he rolled. No, no, no. My religion is a five, apparently. Yeah, so that's plus five. It's just like when you're making an attack. It's plus 23. Yeah, so you passed. You're fine. So, what do I get?

So, you recognize the symbol that was on the Cobalt as the cult of Orcus. It's an old... Orcus was basically the prince of the dead. Wow. In religious terms. And nothing good has ever come from anyone wearing that symbol. It's like, "Hey, here's my Hitler pendant." Like, it's totally not good. Like, so... Duncan hides his Hitler pendant. It is Hitler appreciation week, right? Actually, it's Earth Day. Same difference. It's the same thing, right? Only know that because they said so at work. So, you recognize that symbol as being from the cult of Orcus. Now, it is weird that a Cobalt would be wearing it.

They're not really religious creatures. They're not really church-going folk. So, you guys are out of combat. You can choose to spend some healing surges if you like. I would imagine... You're heading on to Winterhaven now. You're just outside of town. So, I imagine you're going to hit the inn and crash anyway and sleep. If I'm a healer, can I just do the surges for them instead of them wasting one? Once you're outside of combat, anyone can spend any number of healing surges. All the healing powers in the game, except for dailies, actually do consume their surges in the process.

They add a little kick to the surges. And, Dan, you might want to cross-reference your Song of Rest power, because that will actually give them a boost to Rest and Healing. Yeah, that. We can lullaby us? That's awesome. [laughter] Go to fuck to sleep. You're so vain. You probably think the song's about you. Go, chief. Are you guys going to check that out, Jason? Yeah, I got it. I got it. Okay, so by taking a short rest, which is five minutes, which is how we spend our surges, because Duncan is singing to us, we actually all get his Charisma modifier as a bonus to our healing.

So you get your healing surge value plus four additional hit points. Okay. For how long? It's like for every surge you spend, you also get to add his Charisma modifier to the value that it heals. So your surge value is a quarter of your hit points. Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can't you see? How long does it actually go on? Does it go on for the rest of the campaign? Basically, every time we Rest, unless he's actively trying not to sing to us or something. [laughter] He sits in the corner, crosses his arm, shakes his head, and says no. You guys are all back to maximum hit points and everything.

You've continued on to the town of Winterhaven. We win. That's it. Send our shrimps home. [laughter] Try not to bring those sons of bitches down. Duncan wants to see what the fuck's going on in Winterhaven, so he's going to do a street lights check. Ah, good choice. I want to do a history check. On Winterhaven? Yeah. Go ahead. That's a ten. You didn't roll anything. One second. Bam. Twenty. Yep. I don't really have much of a purpose except for athletically. All my big skills are acrobats, athletics, endurance, nature, healing, and gungeoneering. Every move you make.

I mean, I got some stealth and some debri. Apparently you're good at sidling up next to people and murdering them pretty effectively. I want to intimidate Tyler right now. I want him to give me a sandwich. [laughter] I'm going to do a roll for you. All right. Okay, Jay's back. Okay, so Justin, you did a history check on Winterhaven. So that, you obviously, you know, this is what you know. So Winterhaven exists kind of by itself. It's pretty far up north. No one goes up there unless they have business there, which is pretty rare. They kind of keep to themselves.

There's a keep just north of Winterhaven that used to be used for something. No one's really positive. It's been over 100 years. It's probably to keep watch. Like, there's always been rumors about, oh, to keep out trolls. Everyone has an opinion on what it used to be used for. But for the most part, it's just kind of a condemned building. No one goes there. No one uses it for anything. So that's pretty much all you know about Winterhaven. It's a big walled town. There's guards posted everywhere. They have a couple of keeps up. It's a pretty peaceful-looking place compared to the streets you -- the road you use to get there.

Duncan recognizes one of the guards and is rolling a streetwise check to see what's going on in Winterhaven. And he rolled a 13. [Laughter] Keep down his mouth. [Laughter] That guy is pretending he doesn't know you. Yeah. Hey, man, remember me? It's Duncan. Remember? Oh, it's that guy from college. Oh, just everybody turn away. Yeah, remember? No, guys, look away. Sorry. That guy used to play the most awful music. You have no idea. He was busting in the courtyard. Hey, man, remember our band? It's called the Flying Monkeys. Remember? I know this guy. He's coming.

Bastard! Okay, he's looking. You looking? No? No? So you get the feeling. Everyone's real uneasy. You're looking around as you're entering town, and either they're not used to getting visitors, or there's something about the look of your group that everyone's really eyeing you shifty-eyed, kind of giving you the stink eye as you enter town. They don't like my jeans. They don't get my hair. You think they never saw a cybernetic ninja before? Shit. It's magic. You guys are coated fairly head to toe in blood as you enter. You should have cleaned up. So you get the feeling that there's something going on in town.

Like there's something up, but you're not really sure what. Hey, guys, there's something going on. I don't know what it is, though. Jesus Christ. Insight. Can I do an insight check? That's usually for talking to people. You could feel free to grab somebody off the street, talk to them, or head to the inn. All right, let's head to the inn. Were we headed here to meet anyone specific, or are we just looking for work in town? Well, you could feel free to do that. This is more of a resting place before you head up to the keep. Oh, that's right. Okay. Now you're noticing that there's something up in town.

Like you were told that Winter Haven's a fairly peaceful place, but you're looking around and it's like, "This doesn't seem too welcoming." You know, just old ladies eyeballing you at our fruit cart, just staring at you. Hey, guys, this is Duncan. Duncan Joyp-Tom, remember me? I think we should get the fuck out of here. I don't want to be able to shit. [laughter] These guys are butt heads. Can I roll to clean myself up? [laughter] Would you like to head to the inn and get a room for the night and just chill and clean yourself up and get a chance to rest from the road?

All right, cool. Beer? Oh, yeah, what time of day is it? It's about sunset when you're heading into town, so it's... I mean, that adds to the wariness of everybody because it's getting on nightfall and they look a little jittery. We probably don't want to be going through the keep at night. Let's stay. [laughter] That is a good call. [laughter] Keeps night. Are they meth addicts? Can I do an insight check to see if everyone's meth addicts? [laughter] Everyone in town is a meth addict. How did you... Mystery solved. We can go home. You can do a check to see if anybody's on moonsugar, though.

You can do that. Guys, I went through this plane one time. You have no idea, man. I'm just making sure Jason just throws the adventure down and be like, "They are meth addicts! Bye!" [laughter] Got it! God damn it, I thought I was being so meta. [laughter] So you check in at the inn, and you rent a room for the evening. You guys are all pretty much... You're getting ready to settle in. The woman behind the counter asks you if you're here to see Lord PageRig about his daughter. Maybe... Can I do an insight roll? [laughter] You know you have a passive insight of 15?

Seriously? Just standing there. Just standing there. You have a passive insight of 15. Oh, is that just me or everybody? Just you. Wow, I have a passive insight of 20. I didn't even see that shit. I want to do an Intimidate check and be like, "What the fuck are you talking about?" [laughter] Feel free! I beat women. Where is she? [laughter] This is the best way to cultivate a good reputation for our adventure. This is just your first job. You're wandering the streets. Make a great first impression. How am I doing an Indooras check? Okay, wait, wait. Dan, do you want to roll an Intimidate check?

Seriously? Uh-huh. Make more enemies, buddy. I look around everybody and I'm giving them a shake of my head. Like, "Really? Should I? You think?" And, um, "Guys, what do you do?" [laughter] While all this is going on, Malchus is just like, "No, do tell." [laughter] Fuck it, I'm a man of the cloth. I'll engage her. Passive insight of 20. How does that work? Okay. Basically, passive insight of 20. You can basically see whatever the hell she's talking about is. You know, she's very genuine. She figures you guys are new in town. Okay. And she figures that you're in town for the job that Lord Padraig is hiring adventurers for.

What is this task that is so dire you would trust it upon strangers to complete it? Instantly after you ask that question, she realizes you aren't here for that job and she's over-spoke. She's... it was none of her business. She shouldn't have even asked. It was just casual conversation. You should definitely see Lord Padraig about that, though, if you want to help. And where is he located? In comparison to the Keep and where we are? Oh, he's right in town. He's basically the mayor, so to speak. Oh, okay. If we're already here, we might as well pick up more work.

Ah! I wouldn't be opposed to that. Okay, let's beat this bitch up. I'm gonna... Alright. Fellas, take care of her. We're gonna go question her. Hold her arms. Alright, make a good bitches check. Can I use Song of War on her? Oh! You wanna sing at her? I said give her power. I just made that Song of War. I'm gonna use Sun's Glow to blind her. Quick, everybody take her pockets together. By the way, the Kobolds you beat up earlier. Oh? You found all of them. Their collective wealth was five gold. Oh. Let's go back. That was all they had on them. That and the religious symbol, you pocketed that, so that's on you.

Oh, so he pocketed gold, right? Oh, of course you did. Yeah, that's a standard. There's no reason to leave. They're not using it. They're liquid, half of them. Regular adventure protocol. Yeah, we each earn one gold. Wow. Okay, um. That's if you split things evenly. Are we back at the end? You're still in the end if you wanna. Cool, I wanna do a history roll on the bed that we'll get to sleep in. My senses are detecting DNA all over these sheets. Always check with the blacklight. I would use perception, not history. I did a history roll on 21. Okay, um. 21? What's the history of this?

Tell us. The history of the... It's just an inn. Winterhaven's been around for a long time. The inn's been standing for well over 40 years. It's standard. Adventurers will come wandering through or just passersby. They don't get too many people nowadays, but yes, that's basically the history of the place. Standard. I like the thing that Ironhide doubles as our Pokedex so he can just scan places and just tell us everything he knows about them. Now if you like to do a perception check, that's fine. Yeah, my passive perception... He like to scan the inn, tell us it's rank on Zagat's the travel guy.

My passive perception is a 15, so. Mine too. Your passive perception is a 10. Justin. Oh shit. Yeah, that's different. Alright, um, yeah, 10. Well, I mean, you can roll if you want. They're just straw beds. Again, standard inn. Nothing malevolent, nothing evil, nothing. It's just a standard inn. The DM is trying to tell us to move on. Who spoke up earlier saying that we should pick up a job with me? Someone else spoke up earlier when I said we should pick up another job while we're here. Who was that? I think everybody kind of agreed we might as well. Okay. You want to head over to the mayor's office then?

So you want to hold ourselves out? It's while we're here. Make you feel good. Hey guys, can I intimidate the mayor? Oh, you can try. Go ahead. I met giant orcs or something working with him. He sounds like an asshole. Well, you walk into Lord Padraig's barracks, basically. It's a pretty large room. There's guards scattered about and they look pretty busy. There's only like four or five of them in there, but they all look pretty busy. Lord Padraig himself looks just consumed with just worry. And he notices you kind of walk brazenly into his office and he's...

All five of us. All five of you. So Malchus goes up and he's about to speak to him and be all nice and I just push him the fuck out of the way. And I'm like, "What's the fucking job, mayor?" And I roll a seven. Malchus just cups his face in his hands. Also I'm a dwarf, so I'm like, he can't see me over the desk. You hop on his desk. Yeah. I grab him by the shirt collar. So he's taken aback by this and his guards step forward towards you. And I turn to the guard and I'm like, "I'm just a bard. What?" And he tells him to kind of hold off for a second. He asks you if you're here about his daughter.

Yeah, absolutely. Sorry. I get a little crazy. Well then you know the situation then, he says. Don't call me daughter. This bard knows Pearl Jam. That's crazy. I haven't invented yet. Guys, that's even better. This bard IS Pearl Jam. So he asks you, "Do you know the situation then?" No. We don't know any details before we came here. We know that there's trouble and that trouble is scared of us. Tell us what the fuck is going on. So he tells you, he relays to you that his daughter was kidnapped three days ago. Where? That's the problem. They haven't had any trouble like this in Winterhaven forever.

It's a really calm town. The guards are almost... They're trained, but they're almost just for show. They don't ever have any trouble. Every once in a while you'll have a minor squabble or a domestic complaint. But no kidnapping or murder or anything. Nothing like that here. He's just beside himself. His daughter is 16 and she was taken in the middle of the night three nights back. From their home? From town. She was out for a walk and she just went missing. She never came back up. This is a woman who's the daughter of the mayor so obviously she's a highly...

Upstanding person in this... Did they want anything from the mayor? No. Nothing ever... There's no ransom. She just disappeared. Where was she last seen? Where was the last place she saw if that's at all... In town. She would never leave town in the middle of the night without protection. So Duncan holds up his hand, silence everyone and he looks at the mayor and he's sobbing. And he apologized. He says, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize this had something to do with a kidnap shot. I too am from a broken home so I understand." And then he says, "How much will we get if we get the daughter back?" [Laughter] He says he can pay you 200 gold for her safe return.

And we can't get any more. That's it, right? [Laughter] I feel sorry but we're gonna milk you. [Laughter] Because I think it'd be a whole lot easier to get her if we could get 250. I pulled Duncan aside. Look, let's get her first and we can leverage her for money, alright? Baby steps. He notices that jutting out of one of your pockets... He's a massive dick. [Laughter] I tuck it back in. He notices the armband, the religious symbol on you. And he kind of points at it and he's like, "What's that?" Which one of us has it? Let's say Jay picked it up. You're the cleric.

You did the check. You picked it up. This is evidently a symbol of... Orcus, right? Orcus, yes. This is evidently a symbol of Orcus that we found off of a band of... There was a slinger involved. I don't know that much for sure. Just some roughing outside, outside of the... Cobalt. Cobalt, that's the one. Thank you, sir. So he doesn't know which to be more troubled at. That you were attacked just outside of town. Or that you were carrying a very dark religious symbol with you. Upon seeing his worry, Malkus just turned and said, "Don't worry, we killed all of them." Has there been any history of violence with these people?

Have they ever had any interaction? No, they never have much to worry about here. The fact that you were attacked on the way to town is kind of troubling in and of itself. But he kind of figures that that has something to do with his daughter being kidnapped. And it's all too coincidental to all be kind of happening at the same time. Okay. So the best place... I mean, if it's Cobalt's, then he tells you that there's only really one place that you can go. Where? That's just east of town, which is... there's a series of caves and clearings and things that has to be where they're hiding.

Gentlemen, I feel like kidnapped daughter takes higher priority over mapping. Indeed. Well, we could just leave somebody here to... You want to split the party? What fun would that be? Hey, Trius, you have everything going on, right? Being the healer and all, yeah. Hey, I could give everybody... I could give somebody damage resistance and I'm like a source of light in the dungeon, so... I'm the most useless. I could probably stay. I'm just gonna say... this is D&D 101, splitting the party, not good. Alright, fine. I'm outside the tavern. I want to get laid. I want to have a Mountain Dew.

We need to figure out who's mapping. One, two, three, snot it. Cut it, cut it. Duncan touches his nose. So, I assume you're going after the kidnapped daughter. Of course. I rolled a 20. She might need your life and she might possibly be dead by now, so... He says he will pay you as much as $250. They're not a very rich town. But his family does have a bit of money that he can part with and anything for the safe return of his daughter. What if we're dead? Go ahead. Go ahead, go ahead. Duncan recognizes one of the guards again and wants to do a streetwise check to see if he can get more information out of him.

I don't know. Go right ahead. Because this was inside now, so... He got up, stood up, got a bag. The guard kind of eyes you shiftily and then just kind of pretends to do some paperwork behind him. Duncan looks to the party and he's like, "I swear I know these guys!" Alright, so I take it you want to head out in the morning? Do you want to head out now? How do you want to... Ah, the morning. Morning. Oh, yes. So, he tells you, I assume you're staying at the inn in town. Your stay is of course free. If you need anything... I was going to say, if it's not free, we're expensing it to him anyway.

He says, "That's the least I can do. Get a good night's rest and please, if you could, head out as soon as you..." The first sign of dawn, please. Duncan holds out his fist to the mayor and is like, "Fist bump?" Like, to make sure that... Roll for it. Roll for fist bump. He thinks you're going to punch him. No, I explained what a fist bump is because... Oh, okay. He touches fist and he's kind of confused about it, but like he's... We're not gay now, are we? Did we just canonize the fist bump as a dwarven culture? I believe we did, yes. No, I don't know anything about dwarves.

I was raised by bards. It's a bardic tradition. It's bardic, yes. So, it is now the next day. You guys want to head out? You want to do anything in town before you leave? Time is up, yes. We've got to make sure this bitch is alive. You guys are all recharged. You've got all your daily powers back, everything. Good. Okay, so you are heading out. You guys have left town now and you are on the road to go check out this supposed cobalt lair. Mm-hmm. On the way... Complications arise. Now, you're traveling down the road here and... I would make a perception check. Okay.

That road, right there. Yep, that's the road. So, I have a 15 passive. What else? Uh, that will not do. I would make a check. Okay, check. Who's got a good check? Not this guy. Shouldn't we all just roll then and see who gets the last one? Yeah, I would. Okay. You got a 19. Yeah, that's it. We won't do better than him. I had eight. Is the check at a 20? You don't know. Okay, fine. I'll roll, but I have no modifiers. What's your DPS supposed to be? Whatever your perception is on your skills tab. You got 18. Perception 2. You don't have a modifier, Justin? Nope. I'm done with this.

Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah! 21, legally in the last group. I'm not useless! Okay, thanks to Tyler. You guys have not only uncovered a kobold ambush. Oh, shit. These guys were friends of the guys you murdered. They happened upon the gory scene after it had happened. And they tracked you back to town and decided it was probably not best to attack you in town. But it would be cool to wait for you and to see where you were going. Now, not only did that happen, but because of Tyler's check, you see that they planted a large booby trap in the very center. Oh, wow.

Yep. They had the rogue booby trap. So, you guys can go ahead and place your characters anywhere in this region here. So, they came across what we did to their friends and they decided to get in on that why? Well, they figured maybe you got the jump on them, maybe... Kobold pride insists that they have to avenge their fallen friends. Let's just assume that the slinger was like the little brother to a lot of angry brothers and they're really pissed now. There we go. He was so innocent. He was young. They just got out of business. Which of the kobolds is the kobold leader?

The kobold leader. What's this trap exactly? What's that about? The best I can tell you is that you see it. You don't know exactly what it does. What am I looking at? That big one. You see that there are scattered leaves and brush on the road that kind of blend in with the road. It wouldn't be anything that's necessarily... To the average eye, it wouldn't be anything that's necessarily that stands out or that you would fear or anything like that. But you do see that, yeah. It's a vault. He's holding it up with a playboy underneath. I see. Okay. It's a classic Team Rocket pit trap, guys.

Alright, you guys can go ahead and... Oh, never mind. I'll just roll your initiative for you. Oh shit! 20! 18. Why aren't we in order over here? No, it's all just rolling right now. Yeah, and then I sorted it. Two 20s and then a 23. Okay. Yeah! Last initiative again! It's okay, you're the thinker. It's alright. It's true, it's true. It's all about being a mastermind. It's all about being a mastermind. You will not let that die. You will... It's not about being a mastermind, it's about being the genius. Oh, why don't we put him in... God dammit. That's another... That's for another thing.

One, two, three, four, five, six. He knows where the trap is, so he knows where to step around it. Okay. And let's see here... He's going to insight faith. What is that? What does that do? It's a close burst 10. Okay. All kobold allies in the burst. The target gains plus five temporary hit points and can shift one square as a free action. Oh fuck! Is that like his at will or is that like a daily power? That's an at will. That's a minor action really. Okay. Yeah, so... Jesus. Yeah, it's a good'un isn't it? I mean... Ah, and that's going to be his turn. Next in initiative is Justin.

Oh yeah! I'm going to move... Poor Kool-Aid man. To here. And I will end my turn. Seriously? No, don't be an asshole. I'll lay this card down in defense mode. Green flame blade on number one. Uh, let's see here. Oh, I have to do stuff. Yeah, you can't just say a thing and that's it. 25! Fuck you! That is a hit. Oh yeah! So now I have to roll for damage or is this too much? So that's a one, ten, plus five... Yeah! 13 damage. Uh, okay. Guess I'm not even bloodied. No, no, not with them temporary hit points and all that, no. Well, it's mostly the same for that he's a dragon.

He has dragon shield. Cobalt dragon shield. Next up in the turn order is... Cobalt dragon shield, number three. Uh oh. He's going to go ahead and attack Malchus. Oh shit. Malchus, no! Hmm. Stay strong my fella. I was inspired. I like this bond that's forming between you, see? Even though you're very much on the opposite sides of a warlock and a priest, let's see, they walk into a bar. Uh, 16! Oh, missed by one. No, it all works out. If a tiefling warlock works with a priest, the priest tells them that they're going to hell and then I send them there. Uh, so he misses and then moves down to turn order to Traus.

Alright. Yeah, this warren priest has got to get got, so uh... And what else? Blessings of battle. And uh... Oh yeah, I got to roll that shit. Roll. 20? 20 hits. Nice. Roll it. 10? 10? 10. 10? Uh, okay. He's not bloodied or anything, he's just uh, you hit him. I'm going to put the damage resistance on myself then. Okay. Alright, next up, that's uh, Thoril. Tyler? Uhhh... Well, I have planned a rage... I had planned a rage attack, but... Yes. Line of sight has become an issue. Well you can move up, move right, and then just... Dragon shield guy up top. Yo, then just uh, be melee basic attack. 20.

That worked out really well last time. I don't have much of anything else. Well, you're level 1. 23. Oh, that hits. Oh yeah. And then... 17 damage. Yeah. Wait, wow, okay. Good shot buddy. God damn. Really? 1d10+8 for damage. I think he's uh, learning how to die if I can use it. Thoril's not fucking around this damn... He's got the power of the warriors. The warriors. Alright, next up in the turn order, it's Kobold Dragon Shield number 1. No. No, damn, number 1. That didn't even get him down to half? No. Holy shit. Remember I threw a sword at him, did 25 damage. And that just barely killed him.

So, odds are we're gonna be working on these guys' face for a while. Huh. Uh, he's gonna use his shortsword attack on uh, Jerk. No! 22. Shit. Yeah, got a hold of me. Okay, so you're marked. Yeah, you're marked. I bet. And... 8 damage. It's not bad, he knocks me down to 20. Yes. Okay. And next up in the turn order, Kobold Dragon Shield number 2. Uh, he's gonna use his shortsword attack on... Trace. Goddammit. Okay, what is that? Uh, it is... A d20 plus 7 against your AC, so that's 20 for Trace. Ah, crap, he got me. Okay. That is the... Wait, I have damage resistance. What does that do?

Yeah, it reduces the actual damage that comes in. Yeah, you have 3 points, right? Yeah, I know. Just, like, consider that. That's 10, so it only does 7 damage to you. Oh, right, okay. Whee! Bam. Okay. And you're marked. Okay. Just letting you know. You're marked. So, uh, you both got nemeses on the battlefield, basically. And Duncan! Marcus, you have that dude up there, right? Yeah, it's all covered. Okay, sweet. Uh, I'm, uh... Gonna flank and shank. Yeah, War Song Strike. So I sing, "Charles in charge of Arliss." And I roll. I was like, "Hey." These marks are pissing me off.

Oh, yeah, on, uh... On... That dude, right there. One, I'm guessing, to walk dragon ship. Yep. Uh, roll the ship. Ah, 24! Oh, that's a hit. Yeah, it is. Okay, so... What? Eleven. Oh, very nice. And that should... Bloody. Yep, he's bloodied. Yep. Bloodied. Next up in the Terran order is... McGillicuddy. Michael McGillicuddy. Michael McGillicuddy. These are like goblins. Oh, wait, can I just do a minor action? Oh, son of a bitch. Uh, sure, if you want. Yeah, 'cause then I can do, uh... Majestic Word and heal up, uh, Jarek over here. Oh, thank you. Bestest buddy ever. Yeah, I get a twice-parent counter, so...

Okay. Uh, it's, "The target can spend a healing surge and regain additional hit points equal to your Charisma modifier. I can also slide the target once quick." So, Dan's Charisma modif- uh, Duncan's Charisma modifier is four, so you'll spend a healing surge, gain your surge value plus four. So that's eleven, right? I believe that, uh, his... Mine is seven. Okay, so that's a low, uh... Yeah, eleven. Okay. Tops you out. Oh, so that tops you out. Either way. Alright, can I move right? Yeah, you could- Well, you could slide one, yeah. Alright, yeah, yeah, slide me, uh, right under the healing.

Why don't you slide you right under the healing? Oh, okay, that's right. I- I- Thank you. I thought I slid up, no problem. Uh, so the Skirmisher... Yeah. Uh, he is going to attack... *laughs* Uh, he's gonna attack Trayus here. Goddammit! Well, he sees- he sees you... Yes. As- as a threat, because you're a healer. And he doesn't like your face, so... *laughs* No-take candle. No-take candle. Hold it, Ice. 17. 17! Miss. Ahh. I got 18. So he kinda mo- swings, misses, and then curses under his breath, so... Yes. Next up is Malchus! Alright, um, standard opener here, so I'm gonna shift up, and I'm gonna whomp him.

And since you're flanking poor Kobold Dragon Shield, now he's free. I'll be rolling at a plus 10, I'm gonna ruin this guy. Oh, god. *laughs* Oh, 14 versus AC. That is a miss. Ahh. *laughs* Heartbreak. Uh, that's the end of my turn. *laughs* I moved, I swung, look, I can't do anything about the dice. Uh, that brings us back to the Wyrm Priest. Hey guys, remember when I was all like, "Hey Malch- hey, you got that guy?" and he's like, "Yeah, I got him, don't worry about it." *laughs* I just wanna bring that up. Look at the first round, alright, layoff. Layoff. *laughs* Let's see here...

Uh, he's gonna use Dragon's Breath. Yes. Which is a, uh, close blast 3. Here's the thing, if he wants to hit all three of the party members down there, he's got to include the bloody Dragon Shield in his attack. Yeah, he doesn't care. Okay, cool, then yeah, fire away. Okay, he is sacrificeable, according to the Wyrm Priest. Shit rolls downhill, my friend. *laughs* Uh, 18 versus your Fortitude, uh, Jay, first. Trac. Me? Uh, what? Fortitude. Uh, yeah, that's a hit, that's a hit. Okay, does that, let me see, is that a separate roll for each one of them? Yeah? Correct.

Okay. Uh, 18 versus your Fortitude, uh, Justin. Jerk. That's a hit. Okay, let me do the Dragon Priest now. 19 versus his, that's a hit versus his Fortitude. And Duncan, 15 versus your Fortitude. Yeah, that's a hit. You just hit one damage roll and apply it across all hit targets. Yeah, okay. Jesus Christ, it's 1d10 plus 3. Whoa. Yeah, that's a whoa. Alright, so, let's see here. 9 damage to everyone. *growls* Malchus looks over at Duncan and says, "You got that over there?" *laughs* Alright, so that, uh, Traeus is bloodied. Mhm. And everyone else is just, "Fuck hell, bitch." Uh, and then he's going to...

Shout at the world. He's gonna shift back one square. What about that Dragon Shield? Uh, that took him down too, but he's not dead. Okay. Shout at the world. Next up, uh, Jarek Ironhide. I'm gonna use Flame Cyclo on number 3. Cyclone. It's gonna clone itself. On number 2. And that's a d20 plus 5. Got everything already. And roll. 21. What's that versus AC? Or reflex? Uh, if you shut up for a second, yeah, it's reflex. Okay. *laughs* It's reflex. Uh, 21. Okay, yes, I see that. Thank you. Oh, yeah, that hits. Totally hits. It's not your fault, Jase. Well, what is that? Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Flame Cyclone is a Close Blast 3. Yeah. Okay, so that also means that you're attacking the Skirmisher, uh, you're attacking... That would attack, uh, J2, Traeus, and the Worm Priest. Goddammit. So... He could actually... So, the question is, do you wanna hit your buddy and get three bad guys, or not hit your buddy and hit two bad guys? Yeah, I could just hit the, um, the Worm Priest. You could hit just... Well, you could attack the Worm Priest and it would catch the Dragon Shield, or you can hit just behind the Dragon Shield, number 2, and that would take out...

Well, it would touch the Dragon Shield and his Skirmisher friend right next to him. Yeah, that's what I wanted to do. I just wanted to hit two of them, not J. 17. Uh, against reflex? Yeah. That is still a hit. And, uh... And then second attack roll for second target? Yeah, second, yeah. 14. Uh, that's a hit. Damn it! Goddammit, motherfucker! All these efforts to foil you were for naught. Alright, here we go. 14. Uh, damage? Yeah, wow, shit. Well, he doesn't like that. Which one? None of them like that. Oh, well. Yes! Does that also hit the trap? Yeah, okay, fine, we'll do that.

Uh, that burns the brush away on the corner of the trap there, and you can see that it's just a gnarly-looking spike pit underneath of it. Oh, so it's just... Yeah, okay. Can I have a minor action now, like a heal? Uh, that isn't your minor action. That would be an attack action for you because you're not a healer. Oh, shit. And if I move, then number one's gonna hit me, right? He's gonna have a chance to swing at me? Unless you just move one square away and you're disengaging like... Alright, yeah, yeah. You're trying to milk this turn for everything it's worth?

I'm trying to help out both me and Jay. Yeah, I can move up here. Thank you, Justin. That brings us to Kobold Dragon Shield number three, and he's gonna take a swing at Malkus here. -Cause... -It's a wild swing. Bring it! Uh, 24. Does that hit your AC? It kinda does. Ten. Doesn't Tyler have to be at work soon? Okay, so, um, he just bashed me, and in response I trigger my Infernal Wrath encounter power. So, basically, I pick a dude that hit me within ten squares, which is that dude, and deal damage. I basically just, like, I get pissed and throw a fireball in the tiny period of time here.

How fucking dare you touch me! I just picture you, like, bear-swiping him and just decapitating him instantly. So how much damage are we talking here? D6 plus Charisma modifier. D6 plus five here. -Okay. -Wow. So I deal eight damage to him before hitting me. He's bloodied. He is bloodied. Okay. Shows you. Shows you for trying. That brings us to Traeus. Alright. I'm bleeding out, so can I use one of my healing things to try and get myself some, like, Health here? -That would be a minor action for him, yeah. -That's good English. -Would I make him more Health here?

-He has to throw the battle. I wanna suck less. How do I... Can I roll for that? Yeah, I wanna use my healing word. So you can make off like a bandit with 12. Roll. Eleven! Oh! So you get plus eleven, so that's an excellent way to be. -Twenty-one. -Yes. And then I get the attack after this, right? Yeah, that was a minor action, so you still get a moving attack if you want. Cool. I'm engaged with this one guy, though, right? This, uh... The fellow who marked me? Um, yes. You're not gonna be able to get fully out of the way, though. Right, right, right. Um... He's in range, correct?

-Yes. -Okay. Alright. I'm gonna go ahead and use Blessings in Battle. Okay, and... Excuse me, sorry. Blessings in Battle. Blessings in Battle. -Towards the middle. -Go ahead. We know the drill. -Eh. -D20 plus eight. -Oh yeah. -Twenty-one. Oh, that'll hit. Yeah, yes. And the damage is going to be thirteen. Alrighty. Thirteen should take him down. That's fourteen. And he's blunt. -Oh, shit. -Awesome. A little bit of damage resistance on Justin, because he's on point. Alright. Next up is Thoril. I like how we evolved since the first battle. How it's kind of scatterbrained, and this one is completely like...

Alright, well, these guys are outnumbered. We got an outnumber over here. You know, it's more... Less chaos. We're clockwork now. We got a routine going. I guess just... We were chasing rats around, but now look at us. We're well... Chasing that cataract so we can rescue it. I mean, that's just good. I guess just a basic melee hit against the... Against the dragon shield number three. Nothing fancy. We're just here to get the job done. We might as well. Okay, go ahead. No. D20 plus seven... Twenty-four. Oh, that's a hit. Just a ma and pa, cracked in the back of the head.

That's a crit also. Is that like... Does he get anything for that because he's attacking his rear? Oh, well, it's a plus two to the attack roll. So, yeah. It hit anyway. C, D10 plus eight... Eighteen! Well, he's dead. Shit! He's dead. Good lord! You hit fucking hard! You played too rough. I mean, we were all having a good time and then... Do you want to move? That reminds me of the scene at the end of Justice League Doom. Whenever Superman is just like... There's a missile heading for the sun. This is a metallus. I don't have time for this. He just lobotomizes him and flies off.

Alright. Alright, so you're set. Next up in the order is Cawpaw, tracking shield one. Who is doing so well. Not great. He's going to take a swing at Duncan, though. Stupid motherfucker. I like how the battle just took a 180 from what it was doing. Now we have it under control. He's going to use his short sword attack at 12. Nope. And he'll miss. And then I'll choke. One puddin' and then I'll choke. And then I'll choke. Pudding. I just finished the pudding, too. That's the irony of the situation. I was done. I was out. I was finished. I was choking just as I was imitating you, choke.

Dragon shield number two. Pitbull number two is going to attack Treyas. So he's going to use his short sword attack. 16. I'm 18, sorry. Fucking miss again. Alright. Duncan, you're up. No, I'm here. I'm here. He's contemplating. I keep twitching every time I hear Duncan because I've played a character named Duncan before, so I'm like... What happened to that Duncan that you're twitching for? Uh, uh... I think he sacrificed his soul to save the planet. God damn it! We played that campaign for a good, like, 60, 65 weeks or something. Hey, Duncan, hold up his arm. We're not talking about another fucking Duncan around here, okay?

I'm Duncan. I'm with other Duncans. And I'm going to do a war song strike against this wretched, bloody motherfucker right in front of me. What is your song of choice? What's that? What is your song of choice? Uh, I don't need one. I have the tiger. You have to know that song, and also Duncan doesn't take requests. Worst part ever. If you pay him, he'll do a request, but I don't think this guy's going to pay him anything. It's not your busting in battle, what is this? Technically, he is paying you because you're going to have a hand in his pocket right when he's dead.

All I'm saying is this is a good opportunity for Jason to, like, dub in the music that you're actually fighting to while you're attacking. This will all be done in post. You know, the actual program that I use for sound drops on the show is actually made for D&D. Wow. No shit, that's awesome. Yeah, so... I got a 22. Oh, that's a hit. It is. Okay. Uh, yep, five. So, he's hanging on by a thread, but he's still standing. He's wobbling, he's not doing well. So I guess you could say, "Steven on a prayer!" Check this out, you know what he's doing awesome? Duncan's just like, "Hold on, wait, I gotta get this." Duncan's all like, "Laters!" And he gets out of there.

Oh, I can't move, never mind. Would you like to move? No, I'm cool. Uh, next up is Kobold Skirmisher. Oh yeah. Who is going to attack Trayus. He's gonna move behind him. Uh oh. Oh no, surprise butt-sacks. You get an opportunity attack against him, though. Me? Okay. So just roll in a damage roll or attack roll? I believe he gets an opportunity attack, doesn't he? Just a five foot step, or is he continuing to-- No, no, no, no, you're right, five foot step. He's already locked in, passionate battle with himself. Yeah, he's just moving around to your back. I am marked by the southern guy, though.

Yes, that's fine, that's fine. So what do I do? Uh, you just stand there and get ready to maybe get hit. Okay, okay. Sixteen, never mind. Yep. I have a very dis-attended grape. Malchus. So Malchus is up in the corner like, "Where'd the fight go?" Um, let's see here. I'm gonna murder a hamburger after this, I'm just letting you guys know. I got an idea of killing the-- I got ideas of killing these two bloody motherfuckers right next to me, so if you wanna-- I agree, I wish I could get flanking on one of them, 'cause that'd be wonderful, but-- You could kill that surprise butt-sacks bastard right there.

You need to flank him on him. Um, let's go-- Oh wait, is there a worm priest still around here? Oh, there is. Right to the right of, um, Justin. Robot. He's like the furthest away, which sucks. Okay, uh, I'll take care of Captain Butt-Sacks then. He's a captain now, he's-- He's been promoted. Tell him to use major butt-sacks. [laughter] Where's Private Butt-Sacks? [laughter] That would be in the Catholic Church. Oh! [applause] Okay, okay, um-- You proud of that, Jay? No, wait a second! [laughter] Oh, it's getting late, we're getting punchy. Yeah. Alright, and 'cause I'm flanking I'll get that +2, so D20+10 for Blazing Doom of the Void.

Oh! Oh, shit! Falcom, punch! Falcom punch. And miss. Wait, yeah, it was a critical. All of my encounter resources are gone. Ain't that about it, bitch. You are not doing too well in this encounter there. No, this is my karbuk retribution for owning face last time. [laughter] Um, okay, that's all I got. That's my turn. I'm sure I'm like, snarling and doing something tiefling-y, but that's-- Light a snack. Light a snack? You can't do a single monster, you might as well act like-- [mimics monster noises] Hey, we were sent that as a people. Yeah, but you also made fun of me for being a robot, so...

So go fuck yourself. Hey, robots have no souls, let's be real. Hey! That is offensive. That is enough, buddy. Does this have a soul? Worm priest is gonna take a stab at Jarek here. No. 25! Oh, shit. That just barely got me. Oh, is there damage resistance? You got three, right? Twelve, so you're taking nine. Alright. Alright, good. That a ten. [snorts] My turn. Gonna use, uh, once more, uh, Green Flame Blade. On that summa-bitch who just swung at me. [laughter] Oh, god. Let's go... Ten! No. That hits. 'Cause I say so. That hits, 'cause I was aiming for Reba. How, uh, how exactly do robots bleed?

Oil. Oil, sure, yeah. Let's go with oil. Well, I figured. Uh, trans! Gonna use a healing word on Justin there, 'cause he's-- There's oil all over the place, and it's a hazard. Because he's failing. He's just been failing. I love how, like, um, Malchus is making his turn, and he's like, "Oh, I got something in plan for these two bloody motherfuckers." Whiff. [laughter] Damn it, now I have to wait for everyone else. Oh, I'm sure there's not gonna be anything left of these guys. So, you roll a d6 there, uh, Jay? But it-- oh, shit. That's right. You're using that healing word thing, yeah.

Let's see, so d6 plus what? Again, sorry. Forget. Just d6. Or plus-- yeah, plus Justin's healing surge value, and then-- You got a six? Six, and, uh, what's your healing surge value, Justin? It's, uh... Seven. Seven, yeah. Nice. So another-- yeah. Okay, cool. That's, uh, that's pretty awesome. That's 13. Second win. You guys know about second win, right? No, I just-- I don't know. I was thinking about-- I'm just asking. I mean, it's a good thing to know. But yeah, uh, I can run through it real quick for them. Sure. Okay, uh, spend a standard action, and you get to spend a healing surge.

There's no, like, extra hit points or shifty bonus like it does when the healers do it, so it's not quite as effective as getting healed, but, uh, you can spend a standard action to take care of that. Um, Duncan actually has a little benefit being a dwarf. It only takes him a minor action to use his second win, so he can actually do his second win and beat a dude in the face. Right, motherfuckers. [laughter] Someone tell him, Malchus. Oh, Jason, we haven't talked action points either yet. If it gets around to my turn again, I'll fire one of those off.

Sure. Go ahead. Um, let's see here. I still got it intact. Yes, go ahead. Lessons of battle on the, uh, on the, uh, fellow-- wait, what the hell is the name? Number two up there. Uh, Kobold Dragon Shield. Yes. Use that, and then, uh, eight. 27. Holy shit, that hits. Damn right it does. Uh, roll. Nine. What did that do to him? He is, uh, he's, he's stumbling around a lot. Goddamn it! Yeah, he's not, there's not too much more in him. Alright. I'm gonna put my damage resistance on Justin once again. Woo-hoo! [laughter] I'm banking on you, robot. Makes a count. Uh, Thoril, your turn.

Uh, did he just hit that number two? Yes. Uh, then I guess I could probably come over here and work on-- You got slanking on that guy, just to let you know. Yeah, I guess I can kill him. Or at least try. [laughter] It says plus two to your attack roll. Okay, cool. Uh, just, uh, d20 plus seven. Another basic attack. It's been working so far. Not that time. Uh, that's, uh, well, even with two, that's 13. That's not enough. I'll kill him real quick. Ah, never mind. That's exactly what I did, and I fell on my fucking mouth. [laughter] I lost my nose to shit. Did you want to move or anything?

Uh, I think I'm good. Alright. Time for kobold dragon shield number one. You ready? He's gonna take one last swing at Duncan here. Don't be so sure that it's the last one. Well, you never know. This plan might last long, if I say. [laughter] Uh, let's see here. Plus seven. Bam! Eleven! [laughter] No, it doesn't hit. Oh, poor dragon shield. Okay. Next. Dragon shield number two. Uh... He's gonna take a, he's gonna turn around and take a swing against Thoril. Twelve. Never mind. Nope. He's gonna attempt, at least. That's his heart. Uh, that brings us to Duncan. Uh, war song.

Oh wait, you know what, can I do a healing, sir? Alright. I think you have one majestic word left. I know the war priest is out of healing powers. Uh... Yeah, but we're okay, dad. Up here. Maybe it wasn't for you. No, I'm just saying, like, everybody seems to be okay, but no one's bloodied. Yeah, that's right. Okay, fuck it. War song, like... You were gonna kill your buddy down there. I was gonna just, yeah, I was gonna heal, I was bored, I was gonna heal the dragon shield so we could keep the score longer. [laughter] So if something goes wrong, we can all curse you.

I will punch you through the internet. [laughter] So I sing real American... Nice. Excellent selection. And, uh... You can get plus ten just for that. Sweet. Okay. Uh, not DM, unfortunately. Unfortunately. [laughter] Uh, sixteen. Uh... We'll miss. What? So... He was just... Okay, he won't begin. No, what'd you say? Sorry. Did you wanna move or something? Oh, I have my buddy down here. We're gonna hang out. Uh, Kobold Skirmisher... ...is going to continue to attack Malchus here. Uh, let's see here... I thought these guys would be dead by now. [laughter] Thirteen, and he misses.

Good God. Uh, yes. And Malchus, your turn. Okay, so, uh, first I will try to hit him with my Soul Eater attack. That's my standard here. I'll be right back. Mm-hmm. Twenty-five. Uh, that's against Aesic? Correct, yes. Uh, yeah, that's a hit. Nice. Totally a hit. That's, uh, one D12 plus eight. Thank you. I was just trying to dig up my damage there. Cool. [laughter] Alright, I deal fourteen damage. Is he still standing? Uh, yes, he is, but he is bloody. Okay. So what I'm gonna do now is use my Action Point. Um, Action Points, you can use one once per encounter. You start with one each day.

But you only get one back once every two encounters. Mm-hmm. So, save it till when you need it. Um, which is what I'm not doing. I'm just wasting it on kobolds. Um, what an Action Point does is it just very simply gives you an extra standard action, which is the action you can use to attack. So I'm gonna hit him with Soul Eater again. And because I hit him with Soul Eater before, I get a plus two bonus. So I'm rolling at D20 plus twelve to hit this dude. Good God. If you miss, then... I know, right? Then I'm really just phoning him in. Oh, it's... Now I say that, and then I do it. [laughter] That is a fourteen, and that we'll, uh, just miss.

Okay, but I hit him the first time, so... You did. Yeah, so then I'm out of Action Points until we have, like, either we rust for the night and you get one after you wake up in the morning, or if we have a second encounter at the end of that, I will get my Action Point back. It's good hustle out there. Good hustle. [laughter] Thanks, coach. [laughter] Uh... let's see. I could really be a dick and give everyone more healing. Uh, give it a... use my At Will again for the Worm Priest, and just give everyone more Tempio Points, but... Uh, why drag this encounter out too much longer?

I think I'm just gonna try and kill Justin. Um... [laughter] The Worm Priest... I like that transparency. That's good. Well, it's just... I'm not speaking as me. I'm speaking as the... the... the Worm Priest. That was first person. There's a complex set of motivating factors behind this. [laughter] Why'd the Worm Priest call the robot Justin? Uh... [laughter] What happened? See it up. I... I... I don't know. Shut up. Okay, that did hit. 18 hits, you're AC. You are heavily breathing. I don't know where you're coming from, but... I just start running. Okay... 12. 12 damage?

Yes. I don't understand. Damage resistance. Uh, I'm sorry, 9. So, words of a reeling lie. You are bloody though. Damn. Fuck somebody. Next up in the Turn-O-R is you, Justin. I will use Green Flame Blade. Oh my god! I'm on this... this guy right here, the one that keeps hitting me. Priest, I hate you. [grunt] Choice! Seriously. Oh, yep. That's a hit. I'm gonna fuck you 'til you do me. [laughter] If that's okay. If that's okay. What are you kidding? You don't need consent for an attack like that. Alright, here we go. For all the space marbles. 11. Uh, 11? 11 is, uh, just... he is on one knee.

Damn it! Okay, but it also does two damage to the guy up top. I thought it was three. No, it's only two because it's my Strength modifier. Okay, two. Okay, cool. Uh, yep. He also drops down to one knee. Oh! Can I move? Sure. I wanna get out of people's way because I have a feeling that there's more important people that really wanna see him die. No good. Hi. [laughter] Uh, okay, Treyas, your turn. Uh, da da da da. Good luck. Ah. Gonna advance further so I can... At least this guy is, um, above me is, um, flanked by Doril up there if he decides to attack him again.

And I'm gonna attack the Wyrm Priest. Okay. Doril does the turn before the other guy does that. It's on top of you. I know. I'm just saying, I mean, I'm just trying to... Yeah. Just keep the guy in check. And, uh, buttons of battle... [humming] Ten. God damn it. Shit. [laughter] Yeah, that's a no. Shask! Mm. Okay. And I'm gonna put a damage resistance on, um, myself. Okay. Uh, Thoril, your turn. When do you have to get ready and go, man? Uh, I got probably about 20 minutes, half hour. Okay. Okay. Um... not quite. Yeah, I guess I basically just another basic attack. I mean... [laughter] The dual weapon attack is not as good.

Well, the dual weapon hit, you get to attempt for free if you hit with the main hand. Oh, so if I hit with the basic attack, I can hit a dual weapon attack? You can try to do... yeah, you can try. See, you try your off hand if you hit with your main hand. Okay, so if I hit with, like, a basic melee, then I can afterwards try with a... Yeah, if you read it, it's a free action requirement. You must be willing to melee weapons, which you are. Trigger, you hit with a melee basic attack on your turn, and then you can give it a shot with the off hand too as a follow-up.

Oh, shit. I would have been doing this a while ago. Well, you've been liquefying everything in your path, pretty much, so... Yeah. Well, I'll try a basic melee on the Dragon Shield number... Dragon Shield number two. [laughter] On the Dragon Shield! [laughter] Fuck off. [laughter] I love you, Tyler. We're all fuckin'... Why do we have a 13-year-old Ranger on our team? [laughter] Junior Ranger. [laughter] I'm the leader of the scouts! [laughter] I'm a Ranger! [laughter] He's a little better than that. Hey, guys! Leave our Eagle Scout alone. [laughter] There, 23.

I'm gonna put my hand axe in his head! [laughter] Uh, 23. That is a hit, sir. See, if you don't pace this guy with the first attack, just go ahead and roll that follow-up and we'll see what you do. 17. He's super dead. Wow. Oh, shit! Super de-duper dead. Is that about my squeaky voice again? [laughter] Say my name! The fuck was that? You're also my ref! [laughter] Aw, man. I tell you, what I would like to have is, like, a gladiator-type thing where we all have to fight each other and, like, to move up into the ranks. Who knows what's gonna happen? There's- Like this episode of Pokemon. [laughter] It's called foreshadowing. [laughter] Uh, Cobalt Dragon Shield's turn. [singing] Let's see here.

Jesus. He's not doing well. You know what? He's gonna attack Jerrick. 16. That's a miss. So. Uh, that was anticlimactic. Duncan, your turn. I want the next Bardic song to be "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor." No request. No request, motherfucker. Uh, I'm gonna use my majestic word. Curious. How much would it cost? [laughter] Uh, I'm gonna- I'm about to heal you, so shh. [laughter] So that Dragon Shield really hasn't hit anything. He's just been swinging wildly at people as they've been cleaving him. [laughter] Get the fuck away from him! This is the worst fight ever between me and him.

Get the fuck away. I have misfit toys today. I think there's slap fighting or something over there. [laughter] Fuck away. I'm healing you, so I'm using my majestic- my second majestic word for you there. Uh. So it's just Surge plus his plus four Charisma modifier. Yeah, so whatever your Surge is. So that's eleven? No. Yours is seven, right? I believe. Just making sure. [laughter] Yeah, details. I got a request for you. [laughter] I want you to sing that thing you do in Spanish. [laughter] You get one of the B-sides. But none of that lover's lament crap. Something peppy.

Something snappy. [laughter] Oh, here, take this to your- Uh. I'm gonna also do my War Song strike and my War Song is "I quit." [laughter] I quit. I quit. I quit. Okay. Do you know what I'm stepping? I quit, Mr. White. Uh. How good is that movie? I'm sorry, go ahead. Who's the wonders? The wonders! The Oneiders. Hey, that's the Oneiders. Okay, that's official. We're the Oneiders. Here we go. [laughter] Eight. Oh, it's a critical miss! Oh. You can never breach a contract now. [laughter] Why are you just falling apart? In this falling apart guy. [laughter] So what happens with the critical miss?

Uh, he super-duper misses no matter what. Like, he's- It's like that match where Kurt Angle, like, throws the chair, but it hits the ropes and it bounces back and hits him on the face. That's pretty much what happened. [laughter] Uh, Cobalt Skirmisher. He's gonna go ahead and take a swing at Malkus. Twenty-two! Oh, shit. He really wants a piece today. He does, he does. He's not letting it go. You've disgraced him in front of his boys by trying to sneak attack him for damage. I think I just got bloodied, right? You sir are bloodied. Which I'm sure you have some sort of cosmic demon fart to let loose. [laughter] He's got all those backups.

I think I'm out. I think I'm clear. Oh, okay. Duncan was trying to figure out why he got hurt really quick and then got better. [laughter] I was coughing blood, now I'm fine. [laughter] Uh, Malkus, your turn. Oh, yeah. Alright, nothing fancy. Back in the blanket. Fashioned meat potatoes. [laughter] Plus ten. Twenty-six? Alright. Twenty-six of it, yes. I think that ought to do it. Alright. Um, E12 will save. Fifteen. Uh, that will hit him. It will bloody him. That's all for me. Dude, there's a lot of blood around here, but not a lot of bodies. [laughter] I think it's time to let the bodies hit the floor.

Oh! [laughter] By request. [laughter] This one goes out. That classy lounge cover of Down With the Sickness that's in that zombie movie. Uh, it was, uh, that's Lounge Against the Machine, which is in the new Dawn of the Dead movie. Richard Cheese, right? It's really good, Richard Cheese, yes. That was awesome. Mr. Dick Cheese. Let's see here, uh... It'd be cool to have him half hour each, though. Uh, Warpriest is gonna take a swing at, uh, Trayus here. Of course he is. Ten. Nah, not good enough, sorry. No, I'm thinking about what he wants to do. It's Jarek's turn, go ahead.

You know what, I'm gonna have great insight on our bard, I'm gonna attack his target. Please do, please. That motherfucker's elusive. He's illusive and he doesn't want to die. Uh... All this is is like a high school parking lot shoving match. This is... Good. Go, bro. Go. You wanna go? The problem is that we've been fighting so long I gained respect for him and I can't go. [laughter] He seems unequal now. We're gonna use a basic melee attack. Okay, I'm surprised you didn't use that. No one's horse or a fuck? [laughter] Do you have a daily lap? Maybe use that. Daily?

Uh, this is incredibly fucking racist right here. Do you have a daily lap Mr. Daily? Is that it? [laughter] Unibeam! [laughter] Alright. Uh, it's um... just one uh... D sided dice, whatever. [laughter] Thank you Mr. D. That's a fucking point. I'm rolling. Nine. I got him. I win. [laughter] I told you man, you can't get this guy. That's a miss. God damn it. Matt Hardy will not die. Try us Europe. Alright, I'm gonna attack this son of a bitch one more time and hopefully this connects. Uh, do I really need to like, click this like, the blessing of battle or do I just roll?

Just roll. Just roll. Alright, cause I've got... yeah. Don't fucking roll. See, I'm winning. Hit it, hit it, hit it. 22! 22 is a hit. Thank you God. I guess I would be cheating if I said, "Hey, how much until he dies?" That would be cheating, yes. Oh, that's five. Ah, damn it. That's why it's invisible to you. Fourteen. He's dead. Thank God. He stepped up the aim. Can he roll to scan him? Does he have any hit points he has? Yes! He has no Dragon Ball Z scouter. He has no... Well, technically if you look at it that way then, inside that reality, there is no health. Right.

Still though, I mean, with all the machinery you're packing there, there's gotta be like a Pip-Boy or an On-Me Tool, there's gotta be something there. Yeah. Come on. Uh, next up... do you wanna move or anything? Me? Yeah. Uh, I will uh, I'll move towards this fellow over here. This nice little chap. Okay, there we go. The meat wall, there we go. I'm all boxed in now. Thorol. Quit trying to hold me. Uh, I guess another basic melee. Alrighty. Dropkick. The dropkick of the uh... Thank you, Captain Maven. Hey, I'm setting them all over the ropes. I keep throwing arm drags and dropkicks.

It's the first thing I learned. I don't know what else to do. I learned to attack, guys. Arm bar. Okay, twenty-three. Oh yeah. Twenty-three is a hit. Super hit. Alright. Here we go. Plus eight. And he gave us some guy. Super dead. Oh yeah. Uh... Hey guys, there's a dragon shield down here. Oh god. One of us is going to hit it soon. That reminds me of a pileup when there's a fumble or something like that in football and everybody jumps on it. There's this one guy. Alright, it's the dragon shield's turn. He's getting the fuck out of here. He was his whirlwind attack and hits four of you.

And the joke's on you because he's been Jesus in disguise all along. He's got a shoe bomb. He's going to take a swing at Malkus. Twenty-five. Oh my word. Shit. Is he going to take somebody down? He's got fourteen. Malkus, no! Stop trying to hit me and hit me! That's seven. Damn, that's another half. Ooh. I've seen worse. I've seen worse. I mean, not today, but... Duncan, you're the cat. You're right at the top of the tree. You fouled directly on the top of your head. Okay, sit back and watch what's done. Alright. This is how the magic happens. We use her daily. Ah, no.

To take down this, let me describe the scene for those who can't see it. All five party members have completely surrounded this one bloody dragon shield, nexus style. Just... It's like a scene in Shaun of the Dead with the pool cues when they're just circling that one zombie. Yeah, but there's not even, like, a... We have circled him. We have him partially surrounded. There's a tree blocking his way. There's no way. There's no way where he can go. That's not true. He has one way out. You can get out through here, right? Basically, every single one of us are playing Soggy Biscuit, and he's the biscuit.

I'm gonna use... You can try doing that, but then, like, two people get to roll on him to see if they get to swipe at him. Yeah. I'm gonna use my Inspiring Refrain, which is an encounter power here. Let's roll. Here. Twenty-two! This could be it. First, this is AC. Yup. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, yeah. Twenty-two versus AC. That's gotta ruin him. Okay, and also, it's 2d8+4. Roll his body so nobody can appreciate him. Here comes Snake Eyes. Whoa! Yeah, he's dead. It's over. He's dead. Congratulations. Thank you. Two die, really? God damn it. So... Now we don't fall in the trap and die.

You guys are just outside of town. You forget about the trap and just, "Hey, guys. Awesome." Now, wait a second. What... This guy that we first stumbled onto to get this quest, did he want us to get a map made up from the town that we just passed through, or the town right up here? The keep behind it, really. The keep just to the north of it. Okay, so we can still do that. Well, yes. That's gonna... You know, that comes... You could do that after... You're on a more crucial mission. Yeah, finding the daughter alive is more time. Okay, so do we want to do a check to see if we can find anything on these fellows?

I would. I mean, that's standard. Yeah. I think that's Jay. Power insight? Yeah, I have a passive insight. I have AI20. So he gets it. So, yeah. He gets that shit. So, you're looking around, and you found another five gold, collectively, on these guys. They're not cash rich, these guys. They're armor and gear. They're a rich spirit. Yes. It's whatever cash the owners prior didn't want. You know, not many people know this, but kobolds have very rich family lives. So... Well, now I'm just a downer. Well, they used to, until you murdered their entire... Stuck things inside of them until they didn't live anymore.

So, here's something. Now I have some rugs at them. Okay, so five gold. Five gold, and you found another one of the Cult of Orcus symbols on them. Okay. So nothing that we didn't already know. Right. So it's not a coincidence anymore. That's not a coincidence anymore. They are definitely... There's something going on with this cult. There is something going on with these kobolds, because they are fucking hungry for you guys now. You guys must represent some sort of threat to them, or what they're doing, or what they're planning, or whatever. What could this mean?

Guys, I think I figured something out, guys. Okay. I think this group is connected to the group that we killed before. Oh. Yeah. So we can think about that. Also, how much money do you think we can get for these things? The kobolds? The kobolds? That's like selling like Nazi flair. You're not going to get much from them. Somebody's going to us you out and starting to call the cops. You didn't just take down a highly honed military unit. Let me describe... They're wearing lots of tattered... Maybe hide armor or something like that. Maybe a shitty leather cap they wear.

A victory is a victory, DMRI. I took out the equivalent of Dobby with a dagger. I met the symbol. Some things that were out of their pockets. How much can we get for that? You can try to sell them in town, but they... I mean, like, just... And his life. Dobby is a free elf, he is. Somebody should actually reason with these people. Somebody should roll for diplomats. May I suggest... I don't think anyone trained in diplomacy. I think we're all lying and intimidating. We're all liars and thieves and haters. All lying. Yes, just grab it. And you guys can go ahead and...

You see where the road begins down there at the very bottom of the screen? You guys just pop your characters there. I would put me in front. I don't know if that's the best way. Breaking news, you guys. There's a chest. Wait, a chest? There sure is a chest. Hey, there's a cross. It's like Malchus didn't specify. You get up there and there's just a dismembered torso. I told you, there's a chest. Hey-o. No! That one was a thinker. That was a thinker right there. I want to give you the Taz lab because that's what you deserve. What are you doing? I'm showing where the chest is for anybody who doesn't notice.

Tyler. It blends in. You gotta... It's like a Where's Waldo. Whoa! So there's still some daylight out. You guys have wandered upon this clearing. And it's obvious that there's a lot of activity here. It's pretty obvious. This is the only clearing in the area. This is where they pointed you. And you can see a set of stairs leading down. And you see next to the stairs is this kind of ornate looking circle. They've decorated it with a lot of different things here. I can't really tell you much more about it unless you guys would like to do a perception check. Well, I got a perception of insight of 15.

I want to see if the surroundings are lying. That's more for conversations. It has a cross. Does anybody have good religion? No. The cleric? It's just part of the grid. The cleric, if his throat wasn't sore, he could roll. I got a plus zero. Speaking of the mic, Tyler. Sorry, I just didn't want to be chomping on food. I could intimidate him. Alright, I'll roll for perceptions. I think it's pretty apparent that the kulals just invented Stonehenge. No, wait, that was a 12 sided die. It doesn't count. What are you rolling for? For possession of the surroundings. 20.

Natural 20. It was a perception check. Okay, fine. Let's just roll with that to make this go now. I created the surroundings. What you see is, scampering around the trees and around these rocks are several kobolds. Look. But you also spotted a couple of drakes. We got a slinger. You know what happens to slingers. So was the 20 not enough to tell us about this structure up here? I'm getting to it. Oh, okay, sorry. Just had to make sure everything's on the board. Two drakes. Those arch my word. Yeah, they're big, but you know. Oh my lord, we could use a healer. So, the structure in the back, it's kind of putting off a glow.

So it's putting off a glow. It's obviously magic based. And it doesn't look like the kobolds had anything to do with it. Alright. That's the best I could tell you about it. Hey, can I run an arcana check? You sure can. I'll do that. I wish I had a plus 5. I have a plus 5 on that by the way. 22. Malchus can roll and give him a plus 2 boost if he... No, I'm going solo. I got a 25. That's alright, fuck helping. I got a 10 on an arcana. Arcano. Arcano. What aren't you good at? Yeah, how do you get a 10? Because I'm robot and I'm magic. Did you level up or something while we were painting?

Nope. I was made this way. Board. Okay, yeah, you guys clear the check. You're fine. What that structure is used for... It puts out a mystical power. So anyone standing within that is going to get a power boost to their attacks. Now it's mainly meant as a defense structure. So if anyone gets close to the stairs that, you know... It's meant to help fend off anybody who might be wandering through. Is it in the tower or in the stone circle? It's the stone circle. That's not a tower, it's just a set of stairs leading down. Oh, okay, okay. A ruined keep. Well, it's not a keep if it goes down.

Oh, true. So it's like in Oblivion, you had those circle things and you walked up the stairs. Yeah, right, exactly like that. There was a zombie down there and... Does anybody have good nature? Let's try to control one of these drapes. I've got a 10 in nature. You fucking liar, you do not have a 10. I actually think I have good nature. Can we do that? Can we just take over one of the dragons? You could try. I have a plus 7 in nature. That's cool. Which one are you targeting? What? I mean, pick one. You want me to do something? (Laughter) You want to go? Seven? I like how you chime in, he's like, "Well, I got..." "What are we doing?" I heard something about nature and I'm just like, "Oh, well, who's good at nature?" We're going to try to control one of the dragons.

They're not dragons, they're just drakes. I'm sorry, drakes. Big difference, you don't want any dragons. Drake the dragon. So who's the dragon whisperer here? Tyler has a 7 in nature. I can roll. We'll do that then. Alright, alright, try it on. Just fucking do it. Alright! Jesus. Stop yelling at me, I can't roll. Yells. 16 for one, 23 for the other. No! Okay, uh... The first one, on the side there, that is now under your control. The number one? Number one. Awesome. You're going to be a fucking expert now. (Laughter) This is Penny Arcade shows. Uh, and... I think there's much else we can do, right?

We can just roll away, right? Yeah, that's it. Can I intimidate all the kobolds, make them run away from us? Get out of here! Thought that's what the drake was for. (Screams) Three. Shit. You're going last. And eight. Come on, big one. Very considerable. Number 12, I'm... No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Seventeen! Now, see, that's a roll. That's a man's roll. Justin got a twelve. Does anybody have a motor player on these? Mine's zero. I'm sitting here feeling pretty good about myself, and then five of them just show up with the twenties. So Justin's initiative is just a straight D20, he's right.

Okay, cool. Just checking. Just checking. Let me scroll up here and make sure Justin got a twelve. Malvus got an eight. God damn. Sixteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty-two, twenty. Twenty-one. Yeah, they're taking their turn first. Duncan got a big three. It's good that we have the tank up front. He's gonna get punched in the face all sorts of nasty... You have that big bark tank. Ooh, ah, ooh. It was your idea. We do have a drake, though. This is true, you do have a drake. Welcome. You know what? Fuck you. That was my idea. You're like, "What? Is that him?" Sure, yeah.

I got nature. You something? You something? Okay. No, I haven't eaten all day. I can fly. I'm a pilot. Does that work? What does that mean right there? I just rolled something. I don't know. Alright, let's do this. Let's D&D it. Um... Cobalt minion number four is gonna be making his first attack. Okay, so cobalt minion number four is going to attack... Duncan, who is standing right up in front. Whose glorious face. He's gonna be making a ranged basic attack here with his javelin. And that's a d20+... five... twenty-four. Uh, that hits me. Yes! That hits me, right? Uh, that is four damage.

Right on my shoulder. You know dwarves and cobalt hate each other, right? Right. Does Duncan follow that culture or is he more open-minded? Duncan, I mean, Duncan doesn't really know what these guys are. He's never really been adventuring before, but he does hate the fact that he's got a javelin thrown in his shoulder. But he rips it out and he throws it down to the ground. And he gives him the finger. Yes! They invented the finger as well, right? On top of the fist bump, which we've already canonized. Finger, the fist bump, pearl jam... Man, these dwarves are productive.

Another javelin throw to Duncan. Jesus Christ! I actually ended up buying like four Bon Jovi songs a couple days ago. Did I just canonize Jesus, by the way? Thirteen. That one's gone by a lot. And I catch it. And I catch the javelin in my hand and I break it over my dwarven knee. And then I eat it. Do you want to roll for that? So, wait, the dwarven half is the bottom half? We've talked about this half dwarf shit. No, I'm not really a half dwarf. I grew up thinking I was a half dwarf and I refuse to admit that I'm not. I specified dwarven knees, that's all I'm saying.

This is true. You did specify dwarven knees. No, because he knows deep down that he's a dwarf. He admitted to you guys last time that he knew that. He just didn't like talking about it in public. I think Duncan's hiding something about his embarrassing past. Malchus doesn't trust him anymore. Alright. Okay, Kobold Slinger is going to try using sling, which makes sense. Does a fourteen hit your AC? No. Okay, then. I batted it out of the air. Let's just say, yeah, it's a rock for the purposes of this. What else is he slinging at me? Biscuits? I don't know feces. So he's got the one minion that tosses the javelin.

And sticks him in the shoulder and everyone else is like, "Yeah, that's awesome!" And they just start tossing shit and it just lands next to him. Next slinger loads up a tomato in his sling. I like that they're walking by this drake that we control. Just like, "What's up?" And nothing's going on. They don't know that he's under your control yet. Think of all this as happening in a split second. Like, everything is just, "Oh shit, intruders!" And they run. That's basically what's happening. Well, I understand. In my head, I pictured the drake turning around to face the other one.

Once we took control of him. You see? But I like that he's being all incognito about the situation. Sorry, I'm having my own conversation over here. It's much better than yours. It's a robot conversation. Alright, now. Here's the first indication that things are going tits up for the kobolds. This kobold is wandering right past the drake, which... Up until now, they figure, "Oh, awesome. I mean, this'll be pretty easy." This drake is going to make an opportunity attack on that kobold and let everybody know whose side he's on. Oh yeah, this is going to be nasty.

If he hits. So that's a d20+7. 17. That definitely hits, yeah. This minion that just walked past this drake is totally dead. Oh! No! Totally dead. He bit him in half. Just clean bit him in half. And then all the kobolds look over. Traumatized us and we had to seek help. All the kobolds look over and go, "Uh, what the fuck was that?" Yeah, bruh. "I thought we were cool." I turn around to Thor and I give a little head nod. "Good job." The kobolds also made me speak. I'm just imagining footage of this battle being on Animal Planet with, like, the behavior of a wounded animal can change in an instant.

Is that adjusted at the end? No. That was already a "I cannot take credit for that" And Thoril's up next. How about you run off into the other direction? I did last time. I can hear a pretty kobold over there. You know what? Just for that, I'm gonna get right in the middle of this one. That drake looks pretty hot, doesn't it? My god, it's a pretty girl. She must have pussies. And I get all of them. Oh, she's stabbing me! Dude! Jesus Christ. You're gonna get right next to that dragon, aren't you? You know, I didn't even think about that. Hang on. I'm gonna remove real quick.

Again, it's not chess. You can... Yeah, I might as well go right after the drake with a ranged basic attack. Alrighty. Let's see, d20+2. Oh, that's not good. I just already know. I'm just like, "Oh, this isn't gonna hit." Oh, this isn't good. Nope. Three. This three does a three hit. That's gonna miss! By just a little bit. Just a bit. Yeah, sorry. That is not... Not gonna do it. Okay, who's next here? We got... Kobold minion number five. Alright, suddenly it says "Close Burst Range 2." That means I have to be close to that thing and hit it from two blocks away? So, a Close Burst, it means since it's two, you count two squares out from where you're standing, and it hits everything within two squares of you.

Oh. Look at that. Unless it specifies one creature in burst. It emanates from you. Without. Try to get one, yeah. Duncan. This Kobold minion is going to throw his javelin at you. My God. Seventeen. Does that hit your AC? That is my AC. Oh, well then you take four damage. I'm so sorry. E-fresh. Subway E-fresh. Oh, so you don't have to roll for damage on that? No, it's just a flat four. Like, there's no... It's a Kobold stinger! That hits my other shoulder. That doesn't match. Yeah, and I don't rip it out this time. I just break off the end so I can remember it. So I just look at it and I can think about it and get angry.

Whose turn is it now? That would be... Guardrake number two! He has so many things he could do. He could bite, or... He's gonna race on up. See, now I kind of feel like a bit of a failure. Because everyone's sitting here making fun of me. Like, "Aha! You're gonna run away from the battle again!" I'm like, "Fuck you! Watch this!" Whiff. Well, this drake runs right up to you. And let me see here... Oh! He misses! That's an eight. I'm sure that doesn't hit your AC. Mm-mm. Okay. That's gonna be... Okay, Cobalt minion number six! He is going to throw his javelin at Thoril.

Seven. Wow, that sucked. Duncan reaches in front of Thoril and catches it. Zeus whizzes by my shoulder and he just catches it with one hand to break it over his knee again. If there's any opportunity on the field to look badass, he's there. Everywhere. It's like diving into everybody else's shots. Jerick! Yeah! I am going to move... One, and two, and three... I'm going to use the J.S. Assault on the dragon. Drake. I'm assuming the one that you don't control. Yeah. I'm just asking. Since that's also far away, I'm going to use that burst on him, which does a negative two attack roll if he attacks anybody else, and if he also attacks anybody else, I warp right around where he is.

I square Jason to him and I get a free attack. Okay, let me look this over real quick. So you're marking him essentially to us. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's a minor action. Right. And I want to use lightning lure. Action three range. That's one, two, three. Shit, no, I can't do that. I'm going to hit the slinger. Okay. I'm going to hit him. That does the attack. D20 plus five. So I'm going to get that going. Is this 20? Yeah, it is. Bam! 22 hit him? Yep. Oh yeah. And it's going to do one D6 plus five. Nine. Okay. It also flings him over here right in front of me. It also makes me god, and I also give everybody else wine, so they're all happy with wine.

And then he gets all the pussies. That's next turn. All the robot pussies. Okay, he is right in front of you now. Yay! Does that wrap up your turn? Yes, you fresh. Malkus, your turn. Okay, Malkus will slide out with the guard drake and use his soul eater attack. 21 versus AC. That'll hit. Going to do D12 plus eight. And ten damage. Oh, that's a nice meaty hit. Okay, so you shank this thing right in its side, and he reels back and just kind of lets loose a roar, but he's still got plenty of fight left in him, you can tell. Oh, that's okay, I've got plenty of fight left in me too.

That was a comeback. No. It's a break. He's probably nice too. Anything else you wanted to do? I'm all done. Alrighty then. Kobold minion number three all the way back here. I did also want to say a little bit something about my past. Since this guy is Warforged, he doesn't trust people who use magic, so Dan, I don't fully... Like, we save cats together, but that doesn't... That doesn't fix all the wrongdoing your people did with me, you know? Would it be Malkus more than Dan? Malkus, that's what I meant, that's what I meant, sorry. Get this too confused. It's because of the same person, Dan just has multiple personality disorder.

He just recorded all these conversations of what could people say, so... Don't I know it. I don't exist on a soundboard. And that one prepared also, it's pretty clever. I don't exist on a soundboard. Wait a second. So, okay, Kobold minion number three is going to make a... ...javinal attack against Jerk. Does a six hit your AC? Man, I got lucky with like one hit ever since then. Kobold minion number seven... Thora looks behind him and notices Trias just off the map doing the robot as an obvious mockery towards Jerk. A single magical tear rolls down his eye.

Kobold minion number seven takes a swipe with his... ...with his javelin at Malkus, but misses with a seven. And then we're back to guardrake number one. So, guardrake number one here is going to try and take a bite out of... ...Kobold minion number four. And he will, and he's dead. Holy shit! All this gold's gonna go to therapy! And Duncan. Okay. God damn. He's just gonna mow through everybody. Who me? We're actually doing a lot better than I thought we were gonna do with Drake. He's just RKO'ing everybody. Okay, so I'm up here now. And I'm gonna use my War Song Strike.

So Duncan sings "Come on Eileen" and rolls a D20 +7 against Armor Class. I'm just gonna say songs I don't want you to play for now on. That's a great song. And also, wait. Now, since we're flanking, is that... You get a +2 for your attack roll. For my attacker? Yes. So now... So for this roll. Yes. So that means that's 20 +9. Not your damage, but your attack roll. Right, so that's gonna give it a D20 +9. So... 12. Wow! Holy shit! This can't be happy. It has to be a fraud. Oh, okay. Every time you miss with a War Song Strike, in the background... If I can find someone playing the Rock Band version of the song really poorly, I should put that in.

Absolutely, yeah. That's awesome. Pink, pink, pink! Yeah, so that's gonna miss. What? That sucks. I take it you're done. Yeah. If he misses epically, I say one of his strings break. And the handicap him. And Justin starts choking him with it. That's really bad. That's a D20 +9. Yeah, you got a 3, bro. And it's a minion. It's not like his AC is very high. That's what they say to you. You got a 3, bro. 'Cause the elites speak. Cobol minion is going to throw his javelin at Duncan from behind. And he rolls a 25. Ah, that's a miss. Holy crap. [Laughter] He's a dwarf, right?

Right into... just javelin right into his asscheek. Just sinks right in. Right up my ass. And he crit, too. Natural for me. Yeah, but he just rolled... it's just 4 damage. Oh, sweet. Okay. So you got lucky there. So yeah, that's 4 damage. So he pulls it out of his asscheek and breaks it over his knee again. [Laughter] Defiance, bro. He's flexing his asscheeks to break it. I'm a dwarf. I'm pretty rude, so I just bend over and I shoot it out. [Laughter] Now we go to Cobalt slinger, who is right between... Right between Jerrick and Duncan here. A blind and hard place.

Am I right? I knew that was gonna come up. That was a good joke! I can't believe I got a fadeaway laugh. I was just leaning back from my mic. I really got a laugh. Somebody falling inside a well but laughing. [Laughter] What you said was so funny. Come on, buddy. What's your plan, huh? What you gonna do? Think you're tough? He's gonna use special shot. No! Anything but that. So what I'm gonna do is roll a d6 and that's gonna decide... Okay. [Laughter] This is gonna be funny. Oh wait. I can't do that yet. I did it the wrong order. 28. Does that hit your AC there, Duncan?

Yeah. [Laughter] Now I'm gonna roll a d6. He's rolled all the natural 20s against him. 5. So he hits you with a glue pot? [Laughter] Which means you can't move until you throw a saving roll. And I'm bloody. No, there's no damage involved. Oh. Never mind. No damage involved. It's just a big glue pot. You're just stuck to the ground. Until what again? I'm sorry. Until you throw a saving roll. Which is something you do on your turn. That's some serious distance he got on that glue pot. Oh yeah. The range is 20. [Laughter] I would like to take bets to see if he's the last one standing again.

Fucker's got an arm. I'll get that. And next up is Cobalt Dragon Shield. Does a 20 hit your AC, right Duncan? Yeah. [Laughter] So let's see. That is a d6 plus 6. 12 damage. God damn! Now I'm bloody. And if anybody can heal me, I'd be really grateful. Can we? Uh, that's your job today because the cleric's gone. I have nothing on heal though. [Laughter] The cleric is gone the one day we really need him. That takes you down to four hit points. [Laughter] I have the last initiative too. What we can do Dan is as a dwarf you can use your second wind as a minor action.

It just spends your healing surge, gets you that surge value without any bonuses. That would let you do it without using up one of your healing powers. Right, but I still have to go through being hit about ten more times. Maybe. You never know. Okay well, Thoril your turn. I want to help him in some way. I just don't know how. I got something to help me out if I was bloody, but... That's what's important. No, I'm just saying, like I'm supposed to be the tank. I'm not supposed to be also healing. I have a source. Alright, next time we do a diamond shape, why don't one of you guys get in front and not the bar. [Laughter] I was the last person to put up with that.

That's the only spot I could have gone. I'm thinking maybe I should move to the next Kobold that's next on initiative. That way he can't have a chance to attack. No offense to Jay, but I wish he wasn't doing awesome action battles somewhere else. Far, far away, you know? I mean sure it makes good for a movie, but... You know what? Let's say... Let's say that Jay used his turn... I'm sorry, not Jay, but uh, Tracius. Let's say he used his turn to heal. No, no, Jay's... no. Let's do this. Let's be right. Let's be correct. I'm... I mean he's technically here, just not here.

Let's talk to Rob. Rob, what do you think? Ruling on the field. I'm just having flashbacks to that time you were over at my apartment, pulling board games, and you're like, "No guys, we're gonna lose to Pandemic. We're gonna lose fair and square." We played Pandemic and I got everybody in Japan so we could have a party before we die. [Laughter] You know what? I'll roll... let's leave it up to the dice. What are we rolling for? I'm gonna roll to see what Jay does. As soon as I clear this. Natural one. One through three he heals you. Four through six he attacks one of the...

One of the other people on the field. Okay, well I guess he's gonna attack someone on the field. Jay's a dick. [Laughter] Fictional Jay's a dick. Yeah, I could heal you, but... I'm gonna kill this slinger. He's a loose cannon. He just decided to pick up all the broken javelins that Duncan's been... breaking up against his knee and he's just been like tossing them like throwing knives at kobolds. Uh, Traya swings at one of the minions and... pretty much just crunks him over the head and kills him. That's cool. Two six, uh... Six side die, uh, cruding. That's nice.

And it's so epic I can't even describe it. That's how beautiful it was. Alright. I see what you did there. I see what you did there. So what do you want to do here man? I guess I can just keep going after this Drake and get it out of the way. Yeah, sure. Just remember those things bite real real hard when they do fucking bite, so... Okay. I guess just melee basic attack. Seven... Twenty four. Uh, yeah that hits. Oh yeah. I think it's over. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah so if you hit with your attack add that minor action second offhand attack. Yeah I got the little offhand attack too.

Let's see. D10 plus eight. Yeah I will see the chills. Fifteen. Uh, wait a second. That's your damage? Yeah. Very nice. Okay, fifteen. And then my offhand, d20 plus seven, seventeen. That'll hit. Awesome. Let's see, d6 plus eight. He's bloodied right now before you hit him with the second. Before you spin around at him with the second axe. Twelve. God damn. That's your offhand motherfucker? D6 plus eight. Shit. Okay, so yeah you just took two big chunks out of him and he's kind of staggered back. He's reeling. He's definitely bloodied. What do you think of his options?

What he should have done. Alright, you're done now? Um, hang on. Yeah. Okay, here's the thing. It's his turn now. And he is definitely going to attack you. Bring it on bitch. Uh, d20 plus seven. Twenty-two. Yoach. Okay. Wait, wait, um. Yeah, never mind. Nothing? No, I'm just saying he takes a negative two on his attack thing because... Oh yeah, and you get to teleport over and whack him. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You marked him earlier, right? Yes. I forgot to mark him on the thing. Okay. But twenty still hits. Yeah, it does. So... I should have used my miner action.

So we'll mark him. Hold on a second. Don't get hit by dragons or drakes. That's a cool miner. There we go. Okay, so. Marked by you. Uh, so here's the thing. Because he's within two squares of an ally, he now does one d10 plus nine. Jesus! Holy cow. So, I'm just... Looking for a one. Come on. Not nineteen. Nineteen. Fourteen. Ah, bloody. Alright. I'm good. I'll slip it off. Okay, so you are bloodied in one hit. You're bloodied. I choose to go right behind him. I'm gonna goosome. That isn't your turn. No, it is. Oh, okay, that's right. That's part of your geist thing, right?

I'm taking over. This is my board. Remember I bought this lamp? Alright, um... I think it's just an average attack. You can make a retirement... Let me read this just to make sure that you're not just making this up. Eh, you cannot use this. He's okay. And you'll get a plus two because you're flanking with Malkus. Yeah! Is it about to play Yahtzee? It did sound like that, didn't it? Just ice. Sorry. Scotch claws. It's this fucking Mad Men replica, you know, fucking... Tyler's twirling jack-cables at a guy. Alright, so I get plus... Actually... Let me load up this bullet mark.

You can use an immediate reaction to teleport to a square adjacent to the target and make a melee basic attack against it. If no occupying space is... So you're just making a melee basic attack. Alright, cool. My melee basic attack is 1D... 24. Yep, that hits. Alright, cool. So now I'm going to do a plus ten. A plus ten plus two. A D ten plus two. Yeah, D ten plus two. Plus ten plus two plus five. I win. Nine! Nine! Okay, so you jam your sword into this thing's ass and... That's his weak spot. It's his asshole. He is just totally pissed off. He is just totally pissed off at that.

Totally pissed. Is his asshole glowing? Is that how he knows it's his weak spot? I think every creature's asshole is its weak spot, whether noted or not. Every creature's asshole. Can I apologize to it? Far too late for that. I'm sorry. It is Cobalt minion number six's turn. The most insane part is Justin still has his turn after this. Yes, that's... yeah. Justin is OP. And I also made science fiction. I created it. Cobalt minion number six here is going to take a stab with his javelin at Malkus. Fifteen. Misses. No dice. And now it's Jarek's turn. I'm thinking about using Flaming Cyclone, but that's gonna hit...

Everything. Just gonna use Green Flame Blade. Which is really hard to say. I was just looking at something. Do we all have some sort of healing power? Yep, you have healing... Surge. Surge, yeah. You have healing surges. On your turn you can choose not to attack and use one of your healing surges. Unless you're a healer, like... ...Treyas or... uh... uh... uh... Duncan. And that's like a minor action. But for you, you can just choose not to attack and use a healing surge instead. Alright. I was just gonna say I... You can't give your surge to someone else. I was just gonna say I just noticed I have a plus seven to heal.

You can... You can actually stand by another character and use your healing check to trigger their surge, to trigger their second wind. So you would be using your standard actions instead of them using theirs. Mm. Okay. By seven, right? You'll heal by seven. Well, it depends on what their surge is. You need... I think the difficulty on it is like a... You have to roll a fifteen or better, and then you just trigger their surge. Whatever their surge value is, they get. Yeah. But it's whatever your healing is, so it's... So it'll be a plus... Yeah, it's a d20 check plus whatever your healing is.

Oh, okay. That's... that's awesome. Great. Alright, I'm gonna use... what I did here is I rolled a 20 sided die plus ten, because I'm flanking. So it's plus... The dragon's looking at me? Oh, I thought you... I'm sorry. I thought you were going after... All this talk of the minion next to you. I'm wearing the new cartoon. I want to start over. Well, after you shoved your sword up its asshole, I think it'd be turned towards you. Ow! Man, you better hope this hits, 'cause if he gets another turn... It's... I got a 23. Oh, 23? Okay. That's a hit. Alright, and now I'm gonna roll a ten sided die.

A ten side. And it's gonna be plus five... Nine. He is dead. Dead. You're welcome. So you guys are minus one Drake. Oh, yeah! And next up, Malchus. I'll just use Soul Eater on the minion next to me. Okay. Oh, shite! 18 versus AC. Wow, that's a hit. He's a minion too. Boo! He's toast. Yeah, he's so dead. And then I'll use my movement to get up next to minion seven. Don't get toast... uh, don't get... Don't get toast. Don't eat... don't smell toast. That's what the headbangers are mostly talking about now. Don't get... don't smell toast. Alright, alright, fine. I won't have a stroke.

Okay, and that's the end of your turn, right? Yeah, I'm done. Sorry. Okay. Uh, Kobold minion number three... Uh... Uh, since he's already standing next to Jarek, he's gonna take a swing at him. Oh, no! 'Cause he just saw what Jarek did to that Drake, and he wants none of that. Is he attacking with a blade? Uh, his javelin. That's not a blade, right? Uh, it's a pointed object. Well, I kinda need to know, because I have a plus one against AC. Oh, well this is a ten anyway. He missed. Yeah. Totally doesn't matter. It's like I was at 18, so I was like, "That hits my armor class!" I need to fucking know.

I'm gonna try until I get out of this. Kobold minion number seven is gonna take a swipe at Malkus. Standing right next to him. No! Sure. Uh, six, and that misses. So now we're back to Drake number one. Now, Drake number one sees that you're in trouble here, Duncan. And he's gonna race up, and he's going... I thought of a perfect place to actually put that Drake, too. Well, you don't get to control him. I know, I just thought of... You control him so much that he isn't attacking you. I know. Yeah, so... We're gonna have to kill him, probably, after this. That's a flip down.

You have to euthanize him? If he euthanizes, put his sword through his heart, yes. Uh... Wow, 24. Okay. So, since the Drake is standing next to allies... Oh, no. It's a D10 plus nine. Uh, which is also a fuckle. Just a lot. Seventeen. Seventeen to the Dragon Shield. How much exactly is a fuckle, Jason? A fuckle. Um, it's like a chuckle. The best part of the pig. It's the best part of the pig. Uh, that's when the Laugh Factory comes to chuckle hut. (Laughing) I want an extra chuckle in my sandwich. Duncan! Your turn, sir. Uh, okay. I reach over... Wait, so that dude's not dead?

Oh, he's not dead. He's not even bloodied. Wow. Okay. I reach over and I... First... It doesn't count as a minor action if I pet my Drake. No, that's fine. For me and my buddy. I'm gonna... I'm gonna heal myself. Now, what do you want me to do? I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna heal, uh, myself. Now, what's that thing? I can... I'm trying to see here. Should I use my healing surge or should I use, uh... Rob, what do you think? Uh, scroll up... I mean, I'm sorry. Malchus? Scroll up and you're at willpower real quick. Okay, now scroll all the way to the bottom. Why didn't Malchus tell me to scroll up?

(Laughing) They don't have it listed as a power here, so it's gonna be like under your details or something. But basically, it's the dwarf ability to use your, um, second wind as a minor action instead of a standard action. So you're gonna use that up and then all you're gonna get back is your healing surge value and hit points. Oh, okay. And then you'll still have your move and your standard attack action. So I get seven... hit points. Correct, yes. Seven to the hit points. I'm doing that. What he said. Alrighty, you're up to eleven. Yeah! Okay, uh... Man, he's not even bloody.

Um, can I use the, uh, majestic word on myself too? Yeah, it says you are one ally in the burst. Yeah. So you could, like, burn your standard or your move to do that as well. Yeah, I'll do that. So, um, let's see... Close burst five, ten to the eleventh... Okay, so, it's a burst five and it gets me and... or just me. So I get another five, 'cause I use majestic word. Alrighty. And then I'm gonna... and I can kind of leave too. You're no longer bloody, by the way. Yeah, okay. Your majestic word should have done also your healing surge value. Oh, yes. Yeah, so there you go.

Seven plus five, yeah. Yeah. So I'm almost all the way. Yeah, your right is right. Your right is right. You're twenty-three, man. You're good. I'm not moving. I'm staying right here. I'm getting right up in this guy's face. You also have that very large Drake next to you backing you up, so... Yeah, and we're cool like that. And I, uh, give Jarek a look and I'm like, "You're not stabbing nobody through the heart." I've named him and everything, so... He's gonna turn on us and we're gonna have to put him down. What did you name him? Uh, that's between me and him for now.

You named him Fluffy. Okay, you burned your move action. Oh, no, you burned your standard action. Right. From that, so you're done now basically. Yeah. Okay. And let's see, we're back to Cobalt minion number one, who's gonna throw his javelin at Jarek. I don't accept. I don't accept this from the day. Well, apparently that worked, because he rolled a 12. Yeah! I take it back! I still have it. Uh, you remember, I'm just letting you know, uh, you couldn't have moved anyway because you're immobilized. Do you wanna roll a saving throw? Oh, sure. So yeah, just roll a flat 20-sided die by itself.

If you roll a 10 or better, you've, uh, broken the immobilization. Yes. Yeah, but I don't have to use anything for that, right? No. No bonus, no penalty. No modifier. 17. But that happened at the end of your turn, so you still couldn't have moved. Right. Well, I thought I used all my moves already, that's why I didn't. Yeah, that was my fault. I almost forgot about it. It had been a while. Right, like I said, I just didn't know you could use that as another move, I thought, like, because I'm a minor and I'm a major, so. Uh, Cobalt slinger is seeing where this battle is not going his way, so he's gonna start moving up.

He took damage, didn't he? Yes. Yeah, this is not working out like he had hoped. It wasn't a slaughter. It wasn't a hundred to zero, you know. He's gonna use special shot again. Shite. On the Drake. That's good. That's a mouth. He rolled a nine, so. Oh, what is it with slinters? Critical mess. Yeah, that was. Oh, he did roll, oh yeah, that was a critical mess. So, he drops his shit and looks like a fool in front of everybody. God, those slingers are failures. They, uh, it's something about the dice rolls, I don't know. He hit once with that glue pot, that was a pretty cool trick though, right guys?

Come on. That he was, uh, he was gone for a little bit and then he drops everything. Oops. Can we summon Trance again? He's an action point use. How about that? We just use him as an action point. Uh, Trance is, is, like, let's say he's fighting three or four kobolds at once and it's just the most epic fight you've ever seen. He's ducking and dodging and throwing and it just, he's completely busy. He just, he has no time for this. Old style Indiana Jones fist fight. And we keep looking over and we're like, are you sure you got this? And he's like, yeah guys, I'm cool.

Give us a thumbs up. We could use some heals over here. I'm a little busy. The Nazi's trying to rub his face into the tank treads. There's a, there's a plane going around in circles and he's, he's moving him into the propellers. Uh, so, uh, the kobold dragon shield is going to use his short sword attack on the drake. And he rolls a fourteen and he misses. And we're back to Thoril. So yeah, I'll do a, uh, melee basic attack on number seven there. Okay. Screw healing. Uh, you also get a plus two because you're flanking. Oh yeah. I don't know why it did that. Oh yeah.

Oh, oh yeah. It's sexy time with Tyler. Twenty two. What's Flanker? Come on, now. He's a minion, so he's super dead. That was just for the hit. That wasn't a... Yeah, I know, dude. If you hit him with anything. Minions are bitches. D Anything Plus. D Anything. Uh, so that's going to do it for you, right? Uh, yeah. Okay. Jarek. Oh yeah, um, so, hmm. [Laughter] Um, I wonder if I can mark that drake and not get in trouble. [Laughter] Like if he doesn't notice it right off the bat. He's like, "Hey, wait a second." Leave the drake alone. He's on our side. He's not going to turn on us.

Yeah, he's not going to turn on us. I know this guy. We're cool. Sometimes I feel like that marking mechanic is like what rodeo clowns do to bulls. Like, jump out and, "Hey!" I'm just upset that I'm sitting here vouching for the guy and they're like, "No, he's bad news." And I'm like, "No, he's cool." Okay, I'm going to use, because you're talking crazy right now, I'm choosing not to listen to you. Green Flame Blade on minion three. [Laughter] Well, you did listen to me. You didn't mark the drake, so... Well... Alright, fine. You got me that time. So, twenty-seven...

Dad... Flows... Ay! Hug-a-bye! Twenty-one. Okay, twenty-one is going to hit. So pretty much if I touch him once, he's pretty much dead. His bones are hollow like a bird. [Laughter] D... D plus five... Yeah, he's done. He's toast. Bam! Six. Bam. Dead. Yay! He was gone before I even hit him. So strong. Um... Now I can move and mark something. I can move and use a minor action, right? Sure. Um... I wonder where this is going to go. I'm going to move right here next to my best bud. [Laughter] He's going to mark me. He's gone rogue. Oh, he has a penalty for trusting dragons. I'm going to mark the, um...

I think it's the, um... Dragon Shield. The one right in front of Duncan. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay. So... I can't actually move again, like finish my move turn, can I? No. You're moving there, that's cool, but... Okay, so he's marked. Ah, that's pretty much it for you, right? Yep. Okay, Malkus. Alright, um... I'll scoot up a little ways. That's not me, that's the Kobold. Okay, I'll scoot up a little ways. And, uh... Blazing Doom of the Void. Sounds nasty. Sounds hot. Wait, on that... It is Blazing. No, I'm sorry, on the marked Kobold Dragon Shield. Okay, I was about to say.

Instead I move there so that I'm not provoking from the minion. Not playing by the rules, I'm a Renegade. Blazing Doom of the Void. Uh, and a crit. Oh, wow, okay. So, uh, 2d12 is 24 plus 8 is 32 damage. Gee, I'm dead. Dead. So... dead. Malkus just holds up his smoking fingertips in the gun motion and just like blows the smoke off him. Uh, is that gonna be it for you? Uh, yeah, he's pulled his weight. Okay. Uh, so now it's time for the Drake. He's gonna Scamper on over here. Wait, he hasn't gone rogue yet? Uh, not yet, no. He's just been moving in a horizontal direction, mowing through anybody and everybody while he's moving.

Uh... And that'll hit the minion and he's dust. And let's see who's left here. Uh, Duncan, your turn. Look who's left on the battlefield, ladies and gentlemen. Cobalt Slinger. The one who got away. Okay, I went all the way up. Can I do that? Wait, where were you? I don't even see a path where you went, you just... 1, 2, 3, 4, yeah. Yeah. You can go diagonally, yeah. I'm right there. Uh, War Song Strike, that's d20 plus 7 and I'm gonna hit this time. What's the song you're using to attack? Uh, this is the one and only time I'll take requests. Living on a prayer. We're halfway there. 17. 17 will hit, yeah.

I feel like it makes sense right now. So I get, uh, I guess plus charisma, my charisma is 4, so it is a... It'll have the map down there, just scroll down a little bit. Yeah, yeah, it'll automatically get it. 1d8 plus 4. 9. Uh, that's a hit. Well, obviously it's a hit. Uh, he's bloodied. And now it's the slinger's turn. Uh. You hit me really hard. He's gonna use his shifty ability and back up once. And then 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Alright, there, he's bloodied again. Wait, I got a bad feeling about this. Look, he's aiming at you somewhere? No, he just went in that big glowing circle.

He sure did. I'll send the Drake. That is mighty brave of you to send that pet that you so belovedly, like you were talking about him. Fuck it. He doesn't have feelings. He's a Drake. He's gonna use special shot. He doesn't have a soul. Uh, on Duncan. Uh, 14. To AC? Yeah. God damn it, I think it hit seven. Oh, wait a second. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Standing in, I forgot. Standing in the red corner. Uh, 15. Does that hit? No. Okay, well then, no. Okay, well then. I did all I could do. Uh, next up. Thoril. At least I think he's far enough away from Thoril that he can't do that double axe buried in your chest move.

Well, let's see. Do you have a range attack? He's in the mystery circle. He's got an everything attack. Yeah, yeah I do. We need to do some kind of checks on that circle. I'm still, there's something we're missing. What else can we do? Can we do anything else? Um, other than like get close and investigate it further with checks? Not really. So I mean there's no like, did anybody, did we do the religion check on it? You didn't know religion, no, you did Arcana. Yeah, and the Arcana check was just like, it's glowing. No, it, it, it, it, you, you learn that it was basically, it's enchanted for defense.

It's meant to bolster the, the, uh, the attacks of anybody standing within it. Okay, so we're not gonna like throw something through it and then it turns into a fucking monster or something. No, no, you would have learned that through the Arcana check. It's not gonna turn into a fucking Cthulhu or some shit. Ooh! It's Cthulhu! It's a chaplain, we'll turn into a Cthulhu. You're level one, it's okay, we're not, Cthulhu's come later. But it turns into a level one Cthulhu, so it's okay guys. It's Cthulhu. What? He's half kitten, half Cthulhu, so it's not so bad.

We're gonna do a nature check on Cthulhu. So rather than tentacles for a face, he does have cat tails. Yes. We'll see, I got a plus seven nature for Cthulhu. So we do, yeah, if we do a nature check on Cthulhu it'll just turn out like a South Park episode. I'm trying to see if I should attack or heal. You should heal. You should heal, yeah. You got plenty of attack. You got plenty. It's just bloody. Yeah, I'm gonna roll for healing, not quite sure. Uh, let's see who's next. Jarek. Jarek, the mind taker. Let's see, uh, can I do a history check on this place? I just want to do something so like, I mean, I'm obviously not gonna reach him in time and say, "Quickly, wait a second, let me-" In the middle of the fight you want to do it.

Yeah, why not? Everyone's on my time, right? Um, yeah sure, if you want. Alright, cool. We're gonna have Duncan doing the streetwise check. 18. We're in the streets. Okay, uh, this section of, uh, this is kind of a suburb of Winterhaven. It's out in the middle, again, if there were snow tiles I'd be using snow tiles. Uh, so this is, this is just kind of out in the woods, kind of a secluded place. Uh, soldiers used to train here back in the day, but again, since there's been, there's no war, there's no, no one's fighting for any reason, so all of this has pretty much just been dilapidated and then eventually, of course, taken over by a group of soldiers.

And of course, taken over by Kobolds who needed a home. So that's pretty much the history of the place. Attack the chest. I set fire. I really, really want to mark this fucker. Alright, you just- I'm nervous about being anywhere near that. Yeah, look at his teeth! Well, let's see, he bloodied, one of them bloodied Thorl in one bite, and fucking his mode threw half of what was ever, you know, around. I'm pretty good at killing these drakes. Stabbed twice in the ass and he dropped. So you're done, right? Yep. Malchus! Alright, I'll saunter up to there and I'll Eldritch Blast, or Eldritch Bolt, rather.

I crit. Oh wow, okay. So, 18 damage. I crit. I crit. Dead. He can't fit through those stairs. So you can't take him down here, but you can, I mean, you can leave him up here waiting for you, or you can just kind of send him on his way. You know what, let's just send him on his way. Let's, you know, pat on the ass, get him out of here. I think we should have him wait up here for us. Now he changed his mind just to fucking spike me. I mean, I thought this was only like, okay, those guys are done, hey, you guys look tasty. He was born free, he'll die free. Okay, well my question is, is it, there's no guarantee that he's gonna stay under our spell, right?

Well it's not really a spell so much as, Tyler's character just communicates with nature really well, so he can talk to the beasts and the wilderness type stuff. Right, so it won't wear off over time though, like when we go down there and come back, he's a bit... Well I mean, he's still a wild animal, you never know. But I mean, for right now he's not, he's helped you out immensely, but you know, you never know. Okay, well maybe we should do a... Malchus please. I'm sorry, go ahead. No, I was just asking Malchus what he thinks. That's you bro. No, I know, I'm just kidding.

It's another mouth to feed, we don't need it. So you send him on his way. Well Thorol doesn't say anything, I would like to hear what Thorol has to say. Yeah, yeah, I mean, send him on his way. Alright, so you send him on his way and he kind of scampers through the forest, knocks down a couple of trees. Goodbye friend. I'll always remember, yeah. So he's gone. So we should do a Dungeoneering check on that chest, right? You could just go to the chest and, you know. Yeah, but if it opens up and it's like, by the way, AIDS! It's Chesty, everybody. Chesty the chest.

I got a plus seven Dungeoneering! You hear some voices coming from the steps below. Are they, are they, like, can we understand the voices? Is it just kind of like muffled or? It's pretty distant, but you hear, you definitely hear there's activity down there. Okay. Anybody speak Draconic? Because that's probably what Kobolds speak. No. Speak common. Oh, oh, Malchus does. Hey, I speak Draconic. He's the devil. I don't trust him, he's the devil. I guess the Malchus can listen in. So what are they saying? All you hear right now from where you guys are standing is get things ready.

Can I move closer? You can, I mean, like, I mean, without going down the steps, this is all you're going to hear. Basically, is just get things ready. That's what they keep saying. So they know we're out here. All right, the Kobolds are setting up for us and they've probably set traps, so keep your eyes open. I think they're doing a ritual. Guys, let's get out of here. Well, think about it. They've been attacking places, attacking people. They have to be setting up for something. Maybe they captured a few people and they're getting ready for a ritual. Do any of you have any, do you have a good religion?

Any of you? I imagine that would be true. My character doesn't believe in God. He wasn't programmed. I've never heard of good religion. I've heard bad religion. They're all right. Ah! Okay, give it a roll. 22. Oh, good, good, good, good. You know that circle that was mildly buffing that one Kobold Slayer? Yeah, you said I kept telling everyone to run a religion check on me the entire time. That dude there has the symbol of Orcus all over it. You guys walk down the stairs here. Now, you see the staircase at the bottom of the screen there? Yes. You can put your characters right around in there.

What's up here at the top? Who's that? That's what I'm about to describe to you here. So you walk down the steps and it kind of leads to this dank, shitty dungeon area. Now, you can tell this used to be some sort of barracks or something, but just decades of decay and no one's been monitoring this or upkeep. There's huge rifts in the floor that just seem to lead to drops. There's nothing underneath of them. In the back, the young lady you guys were tasked to rescue is in a cage supported by several pulleys, hovering above a very large chasm. If she were to for some reason fall...

She would not hit the ground for many moons. Whenever she did, she wouldn't live. So she is alive. You can see that she is alive. And what do you guys want to do? I want to know what the finger is pointing to up here. How about we do a perception roll? See this guy here? I see. Is there any information we can get on that without doing any kind of rolls? I would do a roll. Why do I have to be the voice of reason? Because sometimes you can get information without doing it just by asking questions. You want to intimidate everyone? Let me actually intimidate the girl.

Can I do that? It's all I got. Thirteen. You're rolling for perception, right? Yeah. Basically you didn't gleam any more from that than what I just told you. Anybody else? I have plus one perception. Oh my god, it's like real fortune of horrors. The letters just keep on coming. I rolled a six, someone else might want to roll. Yeah, I got it. Okay. Oh, no bonus. Nine. That's not going to be much for us. Come on guys, somebody has to be... Wow, really? You got it all over the roll again. Basically, what you guys see is what you get. You do see a set of doors that... That dam was nice enough to point to on the side here.

That just seemed to lead into another room, but it doesn't seem to be anything immediately dangerous about them. Just a set of doors kind of swung open a bit. In front of you is just a pack of kobolds. This is obviously where they've been hiding out. This is where they've been... I don't know if you want to say training, but this is where they've been living. This is where the bulk of them is coming from. What's a smasher? Skirmisher. Hey guys, can I bring something up real quick? Why did I say that? So Duncan slaps his head and goes, "Maybe we should have kept the Drake outside in case these guys have buddies that are going to come after us as we're leaving." I did say that.

Before and after. But then you also did say that you don't trust it. Yeah, you also said you were going to fight us. Well, I told you also that before and after I said I don't trust it, we should kill it. We should kill it without mercy. I did say that... Well, I did know... I did both so that neither way I can be... And then I was right. Neither way. I just have a bad feeling that as we leave this place, we're going to get swamped with these guys. These guys are dicks. Okay, so Duncan turns around and goes back upstairs. Okay. That's a good idea, right? Slap the party.

That's what you want to do. Alright, alright, alright. Hold on one second. Alright. Anybody want to do another check of some sort? Yeah, we have to roll for initiative. You're going to roll for initiative because there's the young lady you're tasked to catch. Hold on one second before you roll initiative. I've got all these to do. Okay, so besides those big chasms which, again, if someone were to fall into those, that would be no good for them. In the immediate area, in this entire room with a 27, you could see if there were any traps. They obviously didn't expect you to get this far necessarily.

What you do notice is, remember what I said about the cage being suspended by a set of pulleys, levers? Yes. On the side, if you'll notice, there are a set of levers. Now, that is far too complex to just be raising and lowering things. So, it's obvious that that entire thing is booby trapped. Uh oh. I don't like where that's going. Can I do an arcana check? You're robotic. Yeah, you're robotic. I'm going to do an arcana. Oh, okay, I'll come back. You're good, you're good now. Okay, I'm going to do an arcana check. Uh, sure. Twelve. Can I do an arcana check? Sure.

Argonian check I'm going to call for now on? Argonian check. Come on. Ah, 25. There you go. Okay. There is nothing arcane about this place. The only thing that you do notice is that several of these kobolds are wearing the exact same medallions or armbands. As long as it's a symbol of Orcus, they have it on them. Can I do a history check? I was going to say that, yeah. History check really isn't going to help. I'm just going to let you know right now. Any history that, it's just an old abandoned barracks that they've, you know, they kind of made their own. They are serving a higher power in their eyes.

It's not, it's not going to happen. Alright, do we, I got a ten I think on my initiative. Everyone roll for initiative now, yeah. Just roll for initiative now. Ignitions. Eighteen, hot shit. Ten. I have something else. My rolls today have my points. God damn it. Oof. That's one. Does he fall up the stairs because he got a one? He falls back up the stairs. No. He falls backwards. And he loses a large gap of time. Like. Um, Malchus got a 12. Malchus got a 12. And Thor got that big old one. I think I'm in the top eight. And it's all sorted. So. Hunker down gentlemen. Alright, so.

First up. Kobold minion number four. All the minions are going first. A few of them probably. I don't know. I'm just making this up. Looks like it's mostly minions. So. I think we'll be cool. It's that trap at the fucking end that I'm worried about. We need to be precise. Well we did Dungeoneering and we know there's not any secret traps right here. Out of curiosity does anybody have anything that will push them? Just in case we get close so we might need something. I have something like that. I can lasso them and bring them to me. So if there's an enemy. The opposite of that.

I'm saying if there's a cliff in front of me then. Well I'm going to say because like you know. We have some dudes up here that are close. If we could just like knock them in that'd be awesome. Well I imagine they're going to move. I would figure but somebody can move first. Kobold minion moves and throws his javelin at Jarek. And throws a nine and misses. Yeah! Next up is Kobold minion number six. This other Kobold minion up here is going to throw his javelin. At Jarek. And he rolls an eleven and misses. God damn it I'm untouchable! Yeah but I was way more stylish when they were throwing javelins at me.

They're just bouncing off of you. Yeah. I like the fact that I'm wearing leather armor also. Like that's like a plate. That's like a tank wearing like metal sandbags or something like that. Like aluminum foil around it. Okay you did not dodge this one though. Kobold minion number one throws a javelin and hits you for four. Nuh uh. I'm saying that knowing full well that he did hit me. He did in fact. Now it's your turn. Man. Alright. You have a sea of Kobolds in between you and that young lady. I'm going to move five spaces to the right. I'm going to use my lightning lasso or lightning order.

On him. It's um. Him being the minion in front of you I'm guessing. Yes! Four minion Kobolds. It's going to be a twenty plus five. For all the marbles. It's six. Critical miss! I hit myself. Haven't hit me yet. You whipped yourself in your robot testicles. And that brings us to Kobold minion number eight. I want you to use my lightning. Okay. No no no no. It will be worthless. One hit he's dead. You know? I got good feeling he's attacking me next. This Kobold minion is going to throw his javelin at you and that's a twenty versus your AC. So that's four. So Jarek's taking a pounding.

Kobold minion number three. That's because all the fruities are in the back. Cause our take's not up here. That bard. He got rekt something fierce last time. They were trying to get the launch codes out of him. That minion threw a nine and missed. All these minions are just going to unload on you. It's like the final scene of 300. It's the failure of them not being able to hit him. I used to ping pang miss miss miss. It is Duncan's turn. Oh I'll move. Duncan and the Flump. Yup yup. Good one. Gump and Flumpen. I can't speak but at the same time. It's not working. Dump and Flumpen.

Ugh. Tipped. The later it gets this is. Alright come on guys. I'm not going to be able to attack anybody. I guess I'll do my vicious thing here. Attack me with my vicious thing. Look at these. Attack you with my vicious thing. Umm. Vicious mockery. Uhh I'll mock you. Okay cause I can't do the worst song unless I'm right next to him right? Let's see here. I believe so yeah that's a melee I think. Yeah so I will do vicious mockery. Which is D20+4. Uh uh uh uh. No. Yes. Here we go here we go come on. Oh he's charging up for it. Here we go. Okay umm. This is versus Will by the way.

Okay cool cool. So 18. Oh yeah that hits. It's in the hole. Hahahaha. So he's dust let's just skip to the part where you fucking dust him like a vampire and he's done. Uh oh okay. Yeah I know there's some cool stuff about his attack rolls and stuff. It's over let it go. It's only D6+4 though I mean. Anything dude a sturdy fucking wind can take out a minion. Fine he's dead five times Dan. Hahahaha. Um. Next up is Kobold minion number seven. Heard a lot about this guy. Came up from the miners last year. Hahahaha. Hell of an arm. Hahahaha. We're about to find out. He may graduate into being a slinger someday.

And he's gonna throw his javelin at Duncan. This is it. Seven big shot. Uh Kobold skirmisher is gonna walk on up next to Malkus here and swing his spear. Did he barrel through my threatened area though to get there that was what I was asking. Oh I'm sorry you were asking things about the game. Yeah my students. Um I suppose he did. Yeah did you want to take that back a step or you want me to just take a swing at him. I was focusing on Mr. Belvedere instead of the fucking game as the DM I'm sorry. Rob is so patiently sitting here listening to all this gibberish and he's like yeah that's what I was asking.

No Rob set me up to distract you so that you make stupid tunes. Hahahaha. Well played. Nineteen versus AC. Uh yeah that's gonna hit. D12 plus eight. Twenty damage. Damn. Wow. Got him. Damn genie. Shit. So it's like a kind of like a samurai movie thing he goes rushing by me and Malkus is just like sort out slash across the gut as he flies by. Because of his fucking ignorance. Um yeah but he hits you with his spear. Spear, spear, spear. Which is for five damage so. I take it and respond with infernal wrath. Hahahaha. Love it. Uh oh yeah this is no attack. This is just like he hit me so he gets burned.

This is your oh no you didn't. Yeah yeah that kind of thing yeah. Um D6 plus. Streets of vagina. No one cares. Eleven max damage nice. He's dead. Yes. Boom. So that was pretty impressive. So let's picture this. This fucking skirmisher comes streaking across the battlefield so intent on hitting you that he crosses your field of vision to run up next to you. Because he's distracted by Mr. Belvedere. Yes. You slice open his fucking gut. He hits you and then you hit him again. That's impressive I like that. And his buddy just watches. He could do nothing. Yeah. Another skirmisher.

Oh geez. Nice. Kobold minion number six is going to move up here and take a ranged basic attack with his javelin at Malkus. Just gonna die anyway. No one cares. Fifteen. Uh versus AC? Yes. That misses. Yeah. Alright. Fuck. I was serious. You meant that. Um. How about it? Thor what's up? Basic attack on the skirmisher number one. No. Alrighty. And I probably failed. At fourteen. No you missed. That's uncredible. That's uncredible. Okay. Uh. Curse. Kobold minion number one. He's gonna run on up to you. Thoril. And uses javelin attack. Seventeen. How's that strike you? Uh misses. Awesome.

Well then. Fuck. Um. Alright. Um. Soul leader on the one right in front of me. A wise decision. Yeah I think twenty six will do it. Uh yeah that'll. Yes that'll do it. Oh it's a skirmisher not a minion. No yeah yeah it's not. I'm sorry yeah roll damage. There's thirteen items or less coming back. Alright thirteen damage and I get a plus two power bonus to my next attack roll again. Very very nice. It was ten items or less Justin. No that's the um third move that comes out. Okay and you also get some ten hit points right? You get three? Uh I have to kill something next to me or.

Okay kill something. Something has to die next to me or I have to kill something. Fair enough. I'm going to go up this distance. Can you pick up like a spare rat or something? Just break it in half? Just sink your teeth into a god damn rat. You monster. I'm just like looking around with a tail hanging out of my mouth. What? I need it. It was like I only got here. Uh. Kobold Skirmisher. Uh totally didn't like what you just did. He thinks you're a dick. He's not wrong. Um he's going to use his shifty power. Shift once over here. And then he's going to get a buff for having an ally next to him.

Uh so that's mob attack. And he gets a plus one to his attack rolls. Is it just me or are we going through these guys really easy? A lot of them are minions. And then you're not done yet. I'm done when I say I'm done. I'm done. I'm done yet. Uh he's going to attack Malkus. And let's see here. Uh he's going to use his spear. Uh oop he gets I'm sorry 16. That'll miss. Ah son of a whore. Um is what he says. It's too strong. But he says it in in Draconic so you know. Well he hears it. So Malkus picks it up. He says son of a whore in Draconic. It's like Valkyrie where uh since he can since he can understand it we all hear it in English.

Okay it's like Young Justice. Uh Duncan. Yo uh okay. Let me move my dude. Uh one two three. No. That's one of us. I cast Kofi Linkston. Kofi Linkston? Uh we're song strike against uh number six. Is that number six? What song are you going to be using to strike him? Uh the theme song to Mr. Puppeteer. Street stuff and China. Okay and so that's AD er as D20 plus seven plus two so plus nine roll ten. Critical miss. Motherfucker what's wrong with like dice? What are the mechanical dice? They're weighted. The mechanicals are weighted. Uh next up unless you want to do something.

Um. Spilling a sheet do something. Everyone's okay like I don't really have anything. I'm good. Next up Kobold minion. Number seven. He's going to shift. He's still around. He's still here. Uh he's going to uh he's going to attack Jarek with his javelin. Oh wait he gets plus two for that so eighteen. That fucking Kobold. He's making it he's making it up. Staying in the majors and that's a hit. You took four damage. Uh next up we got Kobold skirmisher number three. Who cares? Kobold skirmisher number three. Uh this is what he's going to do. So he is going to. Okay he's going to move right down here.

Uh he gets a buff because he's standing next to his buddy. So he gets a plus one to his attack roll. And he's going to spear. Twenty two. Against Malkus. That will hit. Okay and he does one D8. Four damage. I piss on that. Bringing me to twenty one it looks like. Nineteen. Kobold minion number nine is going to move forward. He's going to advance for the first time. And he's going to make a ranged attack against Jarek. Seventeen. Does that hit your AC? No. That's minion number nine. Yeah. Yeah no that doesn't hurt. That won't change the roll so it doesn't matter who it is.

No I'm just saying I don't know if it's number seven again because I think he wants it more than anybody else here. Number seven from the minus. And Kobold minion number ten is also going to do the same thing. Twenty two. Miss. That did not miss you. That missed completely everything. That totally hit you. That's four damage. Ahh you got me. It's my test to see if you're honest. You are bloodied. Whoa look at that now. Whoa your turn. Yay. Number four. Who'd have hit? Who'd have hit? Who'd have hit? Sorry I'm just kind of thinking to myself right now. I know. Well since I get two skirmishers I'll take uh let's see.

Just a melee basic attack on skirmisher number one there. Uh okay. Great in front of me. See if I can get a double hit on him. Eh doesn't look like it. Uh fifteen versus AC. Yeah that hits. Woo hoo. From minions. That's a skirmisher. Oh shot. Good eye. Uh nine. Crap. Nine you get another you get to roll again for your off hand. Come on twelve. Twelve. That is an eighteen. That'll hit. Fuck you. That'll be D6 plus eight. Twenty seven. Fourteen. Oh yeah that'll fucking that'll do it gentlemen that's the ballgame. Uh so that skirmisher is dead. Uh are you done or? Um yeah. Yeah.

I don't really see much else. Uh cobalt minion number six. Cobalt minion number one. I can see that this would this would be slippery because they polish it so often. Well picture picture it's fucking dank and wet and just it's musty like an old basement. No excuse man. Why would you run that back? Blood just blood you know just it's. Calm. Ew. It's a sex dungeon. It's a sex dungeon okay. What the fuck did they do down here? They're very feral animals. What the fuck did they do down here? They don't even make the daughter the sex slave they just do it to each other.

Um okay this minion is going to attack Thoril. Six. Jesus Christ okay. Jarek's turn. How do you tell them to reproduce? Uh I would imagine there's a fuck ton of them. Yeah but like or like what's. They're just like any other species of animal. I imagine they lay eggs being reptiles. Yeah. And okay so are they amphibious or are they just like they're like they're like little dragon halflings. Oh okay yeah. Kind of part dragon part rat almost. Yeah so are the ones that we're fighting like males or is there a distinction? Why do you want to know what women and children are?

Do you want to do you want to hit on a sexy female kobolda is that what you're saying? No no no. I want to take one hostage. And taunt. What are you getting at? What's the endgame here buddy? I'm trying to paint a picture. What's the endgame? You shop around for Tyler's new wife? His birthday's coming up. Oh my god. Duncan's never never explored the world. This is his first like experience with a kobold. He wants to know all about him. Wow. He wants to know his first experience with the kobold so you know be gentle. Alright I'm going to use actually at first I'm going to use war for resolve.

That's where actually it's war for dissolve I'm going to drop salt and water. I'm going to get live never mind. Just go dude. It didn't land let's just move. Yeah but if you keep going through it then people say that was good and they laugh a lot. War for resolve. You gain a number of temporary hit points equal to three plus one half your level. And this doesn't apply to me you make a saving throw against one effect that is dealing ongoing damage. But since I am bloodied I get to repeat this again and gain another regain hit points equal to three plus one half.

So does that mean I gain eight? Are they temporary in both cases? Yes. If one is temporary I don't know about the second one. Only the highest number of temporary hit points you gain applies. Well okay wait. The first roll is temporary the second is you regaining hit points because you're bloodied. Then yeah then you can put it all together. Yeah that's fine. Yeah. That was my miner and I'm going to use green flame blade. You know you're not flanking seven you're flanking the other ones. No. He's aiming right at me and I'm going to attack him. Justin doesn't want the combat advantage.

Why? He's a fucking minion. That didn't stop you from missing last time but whatever. Hey this is seven he deserves respect. It's your mother talk to her with Biden. He's unmarried with children dammit. Thirteen. Oh and you missed. Oh my god. Now let me give you a fun fact. If you would have had the combat advantage you would have hit. Well I don't want to hit number five I want to hit number seven. Are you all done? Um I can move but somebody's going to hit me. Um, Cobalt Mending number five is going to turn and take a swipe at Jerk. Jericano. Twenty four. Twenty four that hits.

Yeah. See they're taking him out. I don't care. Shut up. He just did four damage to you. I don't care. So there goes those ten hit points and you're bloodied again. Oh man. Uh, Malchus. Go fuck yourself. Wow. Um. Hey Dancie get fucked. Hey Thoril. Hey Thoril. Yeah. Oh. It's too busy. I'm like I heard you say my name I'm like what the hell. Thoril's means that he's looking at pictures. Are you cool with getting caught in an attack if it means taking out a bunch of these guys? Yeah sure. Why not. Okay. So what happened to me? Fortitude defense. Thanks for noticing me. How high is your fortitude defense?

Um. Let me check real quick. Son of a bitch. Who are the tests for? Oh twelve. Twelve? Oh. I'm sorry in advance. It's not your fault. I'm going to fire off my daily. I'm going to turn on armor of winter's grasp. So that's a close burst one so it does actually. It's each creature it's not each enemy so that's kind of a bummer for him. So I'll go around first. Minion six then minion two then skirmisher then Thoril. Okay. Cool. I have to wait to do my minor action. Nineteen hits six. Okay. And this is all versus fortitude. Yeah. Oh okay. Yeah. Fourteen versus fort. Okay. Seventeen versus fort.

Yep. Come on. Get a two. Damn it. Jesus. Yep. So hit everybody. Yes. Two D six plus eight damage to all. Sixteen. Mother fuck. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. That minion is dead. That minion is dead. Uh. That skirmisher is bloodied. And I'm bloodied. And you're all slowed save ends. Jesus Christ. You've tripped on your teammate. Teamwork. It's. Hold on. I'm gonna. I'm gonna make it all right. Oh man. He's worse off than I am and he just took one hit. I'm gonna burn my action point to get another standard action. And do it again. I'm gonna finish the job. And then. I am going to, um, Oh, uh, I have, um, numbers.

What are they? Um, I have three temporary hit points now. Cause I killed a dude next to me. Uh, I'm gonna make it all right. I'm gonna take a hit point and I'm gonna take a hit point. And then I'm gonna take a hit point and I'm gonna kill the dude next to me. Uh, And then I'll with my action point. I will use. I used blazing doom with a void last encounter, but not this one yet. Right. So I'll move action to go here. Step back. And I'll use blazing doom with the void and try to finish this guy. Look at this. Why do you decide to step back and. Point on borals.

That means he slowed. Okay. Uh, the skirmisher is too, but I have a feeling it's not going to matter in a second, but. He's got diarrhea organs right now. One versus four. 21 versus four. Yeah. Yeah. 78 damage. 26. Uh, he's dead. He is fucked. Okay. Shane's hitting me up. I just, well, I just burned all my like mission critical resources here, so it should be that impressive, hopefully. And then I've got a plus two to fort and armor class for the rest of the encounter because I have icy armor on me now. I'm severely impressed. I'm sorry, you got a plus, plus what?

Plus two to armor class and fortitude defense from icy armor from that icy burst thing. Very nice. That's my turn. And that's my turn. So if you guys would like to, you know, pull your weight, feel free to. I've been racking up number seven for the longest time nobody else has. Okay. Impressive here. I want to be like that. You want to go to the, uh, the majors, huh? I was doing pretty good up until about a minute ago. Just do some big impressive shit that would hurt Justin too. I don't have it. Uh, I'm going to do War Song Strike against my buddy right in front of me here.

And I'm going to sing, uh, what's up, I'll sing Paul Revere in memory of CA. And I will roll a d 20 plus nine and that is 11. Okay. And now I'm going to walk over here. I'm minor action. Um, you, okay. If you do that, you're going to take an opportunity attack. Oh yeah. Huh? I will go like up and around here. Okay. That, yeah, you can move up one. You sure? No, I mean like here, watch. Like I'll go, can I go here and then here and then here? No, you guys, you have to disengage first. You can only move one square away from him and then you can disengage. Yeah. Ah, okay.

Hang on a second. So that square would have to take you away from being adjacent to him, but then that was an action for higher boob action to do. Well, let me see here. I have to, okay. Oh, I, I can even spray and feature majestic word. Uh, well I have close first five of majestic word so I can use that and heal. Uh, Justin. Oh no, that's awesome. Jerick. Yeah. So I'm gonna use that. So, uh, he gets a healing surge and regain additional hit points equal to my charisma modifier, which is four. Hey. And you can shift him one space if you want. I can shift you one space.

Don't you shift me. Okay. I'm no cripple. Thank you, Amy. All right. You get to spend. Thank you for the heals, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy. Okay, now, now I want to ask Rob here. Rob. What's up? Uh, the whole thing about action points. What happens if I spend an action point? If you spend an action point, you just get an extra standard action. So I don't get, I don't get a minor action? You can turn that standard action into a minor action. Like, I couldn't move, I couldn't like move here and heal him. You, uh, the limitation of majestic word is you can only use that once per round regardless.

Oh, okay. So I can use it twice per battle, but. Yeah, twice per battle, but max once per round. Oh, okay. Um, so yeah, you can't get away with that, but, um, yeah, if you spend your action point, you'll get an extra standard action and you can convert that down into a move or a minor if you'd rather do those things. Okay. Um, no, I'm just gonna, but I will, I mean, I, as action point one per encounter a day. Uh, you, you start with one at the beginning of the day and then you get one for every two encounters you successfully get through. Okay, cool. So if we get through this, I get one back.

Correct. Okay. Yeah. I'll use worst on strike again then on my buddy. See if I can hit him this time and it's still plus nine and a roll and I got a 21. I'll crack his face. You did a good job. Uh, so yes, that hits. Okay. And is he a minion or is he a, uh, five, right? Yeah, that's yeah. Anyone near you as a minion. So yes. Okay. So you moved yet? No. Okay. Uh, so yeah, if he's dead, then you can move on provoke and get in position for your next round. Okay, cool. Then I'm gonna, uh, I was gonna hang out here so that I can heal up for all eventually if I have to, if we don't kill these guys.

Oh, we will. Uh, thorough your turn. Oh, just remember you're slowed so you get to move half of your move speed. I'll fuck all of them up. They all fell into my trap. Oh yeah. Then he could do his big, um, what's your, who's it's my, um, spinner Rooney signature move. Oh, screw it. I'll keep going. Uh, mainly basic attack on the number one. I'd be right back. Let's see 20 plus seven and that is a 25. Oh yeah. Right. Uh, that, yeah, he's dead. Let's just forgo the, uh, formality of rolling a 78 14 14 and then you got an offhand strike too. He's limp against your acts.

You just swing the other one. Anyway, you're, let's say just a, just a, you're literally holding him up with your blade. That's the only thing that's making him stand beating it. Okay. I'm just my action point now. Hang on. Thoreau just goes into a white hot rage against this particular minion for some reason. His father was killed by a minion. Taking out my pent up frustrations from Malchus on this or minion. Um, so you're done, correct? Uh, yeah. Well, he could use a healing surge, right? No, that's a standard. What he can do is make his saving throw against the slow.

Yes, that is something I was going to suggest. Just a d20. Yep. 10 or higher makes it. And four. No. So you're still slowed. So guys, here's, here's the problem. That brings us to the top of the order. What's going to happen is, uh, Cobalt minion number 10 pulls out a horn. He's got a gun. And he blows into this war horn and it echoes through the entire goddamn chamber. It doesn't make any sense. It's not his turn. He can't just blow things. It's it's it's it's a mine. It's at will. Just go with it. But at will means it has to be his turn. He just can't blow things.

And from those open doors across the room, three figures come running in. It's the Road Warriors. With Ahmed Johnson. Featuring Ahmed Johnson. Uh, where the hell? And so, uh, that one in the middle. Iron Tooth? Iron Tooth. Oh, fuck. He is, uh, well, I mean, that's up to you if you want to do a check, but he is obviously the guy leading the charge here. He is the one organizing these guys. You can tell he's just much bigger and stronger than everyone else in the room. He's he's got kind of a swagger about him. I'm using green flame. Why? Number 10. Um, did you? It's OK.

Yes, it is your turn. OK. Did you are you supposed to be here? I'm just. Now, can he attack even though he would be within the burst? Yes. OK. It's just going to hit like it just says that it hits adjacent enemies. OK. So he's attacking number 10 and that'll hit. Yeah. So that's. Yeah. Here we go. Here comes the fireworks. Twenty four. Boom. Hits him and his fucking three friends. You just knocked out three dudes at once. Oh, I tell you. Number seven. Go back to the miners. I forgot you're dead. Oh, you're dead. I'm sorry. I forgot. Malchus. Do you have to own this? Do you have to go to the most motherfuckers up there?

Nope. I'm part of the same thing. I'm going to get done my minor action. Marcus. They're just kind of they're just at the tail end here. Gotcha. OK. Um, considering I have that little armor boost going on and I have like some above half of my hit points, I'm going to try to kind of tank this guy. Will you guys get prepped up? But I suspect this could be kind of nasty. So get ready. You know, I'm just letting you know real quick before you do that. Um, if I if I use my the majestic word, that's a burst. So I could heal you and I for the same time. One creature in burst, unfortunately.

OK. Yeah. Wait. Um, aren't you guys going to heal? He has armor boost, though. You're still in the encounter. You can't just heal. Right. I mean, can't you do can you do a healing search? That's a good call. I'll actually. I've been to move action to get up to there and then I'll use my standard action to take my second wind. OK, cool. And your healing surge is what? How much? I'm looking for it. Um. Seven, I get seven points. That brings you up to twenty six and you have. That's counting your your three. OK, your three tenth hit points. And that'll bring us to Duncan.

OK. Like I said, I'm going to use the majestic word. Now that'll be my second time using this encounter, which means that'll be my last time using this encounter. Yes. But my bro over here needs some help. So that will it gives him his healing surge plus four. So let's say they give me this. That should give me a ten. Yeah. So that's good. You needed that. And then this. So you're no longer bloodied. You're up to twenty one. Maybe the guy that gave him a nasty earth shattering left hook should have healed him. I swear that's not so good with the healing. Bam. Motherfucker.

What was that? I'm bumming because I didn't expect there would be more enemies coming in. Now I'm like I was like, oh, this will just finish most of it off. And now, like more dudes are coming in. I'm like, oh, well, damn, that was a bad gamble. I need what is please what's this book to take out one of these dudes up? This is free. And then the dragon. Oh, wait a second. OK, so are you going to do anything else there? Duncan, you get I moved. I moved. OK. So, Thoril, your turn. Remember, you're slowed. Yay. Just just a gentle reminder. Let's see, I guess I can just move three spaces.

Three. Well, I guess I can use my standard action for healing. I'd be able to do that, right? To do a healing surge. Yeah. I'm going to use my standard action to a healing surge for six. Good, good. That'll bring you up to four. Yeah. Go ahead and throw a saving throw, too. Yeah. Seven. Could you throw the saving roll first? No, that's the end of your turn. End of turn. OK, gotcha. Yeah. So let me let me set the scene here, because now we're now we're up to the kobold spiker. You have cleared the entire room out of enemies. Except for, of course, Iron Tooth, his trusty kobold spiker, and the kobold wurmpriest standing next to him.

These guys come flooding into the room, and the horn sounded just in time. Just in time. Because shortly after that, Jerick swings his fucking sword and splatters most of the fucking contents of these kobolds up against the walls and floor and desk and everything. So instead of kind of running into the rescue, they're kind of coming into a fight instead. So that's kind of shitty for them. But you know, if you would have taken those guys out a second earlier, then this would not have happened. But the kobold spiker... Has a rifle. He has a gun. And he says, "Listen to me.

I got something to say." All my encounter doohickeys are down. He's going to move forward. He's going to go ahead and try to attack Thor with Kneeshot. And that is a d20+7, 16. Intruder AC. Nope, okay. Good. Good for you. Next up is Iron Tooth. I used to kill a bunch of people, but then I didn't take an arrow in the knee. Done. I'm deleting all these fucking podcasts. Throwing everything in the trash. You did this. Poison in me. I'll be over in the corner if you need me. I'm sure you won't. Iron Tooth, I hate you so much. He's like, muttering under his breasts. Hey Jason?

Yes? Can you periodically apply Trius's healing? Because I have a feeling we're going to need it. These guys are going to ruin us if we don't have it. Uh, yeah. You know what? After every round, I'll let him heal one guy. We've kind of not had that as a rule for the most part. He's battling his demons. You used him in one thing, and then that just kind of fell by the wayside. Because I keep forgetting about him, because he's not here. Easy to do. He's just upstairs battling alcoholism. Just upstairs battling alcoholism. He's our Tony Stark. After every round, he'll heal one of you randomly.

Well not randomly, but you know what I mean. Good enough. Uh, let's see what he's going to do here. Yeah, I guess. I got something to say. Is everybody okay? Uh, yeah, I'm just re-healing. Okay, what this warm priest is going to do is insight faith, which is a close-burst 10, and any kobold allies, Iron Tooth is not a kobold, so it doesn't apply to him, but the Spiker gets +5, 10 hit points. I will use Whirling Blade, my daily! Who? Okay. Our dragon priest. No, it's a worm priest, I'm sorry. Very sorry. It's a 20-sided die, and if he misses, it goes right to the next guy, and if that misses, it goes right to the next guy.

Alright. That's the kind of power I have. Alright, 20-sided die with 8 bonus, and it's a 9. So it goes right onto Iron Tooth. Alright, and that's a 21. 21 will hit. So it's damage. Two 10-sided die. Two 10 plus 5. Is that it? No it isn't? Plus 5? Yep. Please. I need this. 13, that sucked. Okay, well for a daily that's not so great, but not bad. Yeah, it should go without saying Iron Tooth is not bloodied or anything, he just took it in the shoulder and he just glares at you across the room. And Malchus! Alright, I'm gonna go... I'll go to there, and then I'll charge.

That adds +1 to your attack roll, doesn't it? Correct. Okay. So I'll be swinging at +9 I think. That was an infomercial spot, he's like "I'm gonna charge." I hear that adds +1 to your attack roll. It wouldn't happen though. No. More accurate, gotcha. Um, that's gonna be... Okay, so d20+9. No. Come on. Oh come fuck on. You sound like a creepy rapier guy, what's going on? Imagine like just a gambler that has everything riding on his family's lawn. Did he do his house? Oh yeah, put your sword in him. Yeah, do it. God damn it. 16, that will not do it. Fuck! Uh, Duncan?

Unless you want to do something else there. Uh, doing a charge ends your turn. Oh, that one. Duncan, pumpkin. Duncan, your turn. One, two, three. Sing to me. Tell me about the motherland. Okay, um, I'm gonna use Inspiring Refrain, which is an encounter, so I guess that's the only time I can use it. Yeah. Uh, against, uh, Spiker, right? Uh, that's the, uh, Warm Priest. Oh, Warm Priest. Okay, him then. Uh, so, uh, I'm gonna use the Spiker. Him then. Uh, which gives me a d20 plus seven. What's the Inspiring Refrain you're gonna use? Uh, you should have Elizabeth. Yeah.

No, no, it's inspiring. Inspiring, that's the opposite. The Valkyrie's pretty inspiring. That Danger Zone song from Top Gun? I was thinking the song from Craddy Kid. Oh, uh, You're the Best Around? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Very good. Um, and everybody cross your fingers, please. Seventeen. Seventeen will hit? Yes! For seventeen's the threshold for him. Yes. What about his ass? Okay, for the Warm Priest. Yeah, for the Warm Priest. Now, the reason I said, uh, do that is because I get two d8 plus four. Those are your d10s. I knew that, I was testing you there. Two d8 plus four.

So, I'm gonna roll that. That's ten. Ten. Um, okay, but, uh, so it takes ten off him, and I also, uh, it's a plus, okay, yeah, each ally within five squares of me gains a plus one power bonus to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. That's nice. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Yeah, that's everybody. Yeah, so. So, good. Very nice. Uh, alright. Very nice. Inspiring Refrain, ladies and gentlemen. That was Inspiring Refrain. Uh, do you wanna do anything else? Um, no. Thoril! Uh, you can pop, anybody can pop an action point at any time and take another.

I already used my action point, though. You did use your action point. So, why the fuck are you trying to get another one? Don't do that. You said it. See, I had this idea where I was just like, yeah, I could move up six spaces to Iron Tooth, but I'm like, oh yeah, I'm slowed. Yeah, no idea. Thanks, Malchus. He broke your knee and walked away. I guess I'll just do a ranged basic attack against the Wind Priest. Okay. D10, 20 plus 2. 22, that's a crit! Oh yeah, that's, oh yeah. If he's 6 plus 3, that'd be a 9. Oh yeah. Okay, 9. I believe that will make him bloody!

Yeah. Like in there. I like where that's going. Uh, you wanna do anything else? Oh, uh, Thoril's saving throw. Come on. No whammies, no whammies. Three. Oh my gosh, Jesus Christ! Dude, I got D8 plus 4 and just got 10, so that's not so bad. Nobody is ever going to trust Malchus again. This is, that's the third saving throw he's thrown, and it's just not working out. Got a question. If I'm standing right here, can I get a, um, a flank attack for two? That has to be across. Directly across, yeah. Okie dokie. You could do it on the Wyrmpriest though, right? Oh yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah! Wouldn't hurt if he got the Wyrmpriest, because his faith thing is going to be giving him hit points back, temporary hit points. Right. He's bloodied already. Yeah. Uh, let's see here, the Cobalt Spiker, what's he gonna do? He's got some shit to do here, he's got some nasty stuff. He's a wild card. Missed his first attack. He's 0 for 1. Let's see if we can nail this one outside the park. The park I mean dungeon. Dungeon I mean raid dungeon. *laughs* Uh, ok, here's what's gonna happen. Uh, the Cobalt Spiker's gonna throw down some, uh, uh, cold traps?

Cow traps? However you wanna call them. Cow traps. They're like pikey things that get stuck in your goddamn feet. Prickly fucks. I believe that is the scientific term for them. Yes. Prickly fucks all over the place. Uh, if you step on them they will fucking try to hurt you, so. They will rip you apart. He will put them there and he's gonna make another knee shot against Malkus. Ok. Uh, 17. Versus AC? Yes. Miss. Yeah. I'm boosted. That's true, you are. Ok, cool. Hey. Oh, sorry. This dump doesn't play too well on radio. I totally saw that on the broadcast. Iron Tooth. Michael Ironside is going to.

Iron Man. Apocalypse from, I'm sorry, Darkseid from Superman the Animated Series is going to. The Enema Series. Here's a fun fact about Iron Tooth, and this is, this will be funny to you. If he doesn't make a move action, he gets to swing both of his battle axes. That is funny. It is. It's not funny haha so much as. Funny boo hoo. You're gonna laugh about this. We're gonna look back on this and laugh someday Jason. We're gonna, man there are so many people here who have never heard of a TPK. We're gonna teach them a great acronym tonight. TPK, Total Party Kill.

Yeah. TPK, Joe Transcending. Um, that's against two adjacent creatures though, sorry. So he's just going to use his battle axe, which is fairly devastating on its own. 26. Nope. Yeah, 26 would probably do it. That boost better be fucking good, cause. He's juicing. It's not so much of a boost as much as of a juice. Just puts it right into his ass cheek and bam, he's ready to go. What is the boost for that? It's plus two, my AC is 19 right now and my fort is 16. Yeah, that 26 hit, so. Yeah. Okay, so that's 1d8 plus four. Six. Nah. So that takes away those 10 pit points.

And. It works. Digs into three, yeah it could have been much worse. Much, much worse. Um. Worm priest. Next up is the worm priest. And what he's going to do is incite faith. Uh, as is, uh, as is miner. So that's going to give everybody, uh, all the kobolds in the area plus five. God damn it. Iron breath isn't a kobold. No, he's a goblin. Iron two. Iron one. He's going to watch you up in the iron one. Once you've received, uh, temp hit points you can't stack the temp hit points can you? You only have the highest total from each instance. So don't worry about it then, never mind.

That's fine. He doesn't incite, he incites faith just as, just, you know, just as a thing to do. Come on guys, let's get him. Um. *sigh* Hmm. Uh, he's going to shift back. Stupid son of a bitch. Uh, you know what? Hmm. He's going to shift back again? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no. Just slides back and forth. He's going to use energy orb. Uh. That is a d20 plus six. If he's making a ranged attack with me next to him that provokes as well. Even if I'm not the target. Wow, okay, uh, then go ahead. Cause he's, he's, uh, he's attacking Duncan. So go ahead and get- Go ahead and next bursts and blasts do not but ranged do.

Okay, cool. I have 16 against AC. Uh, 16, yeah, against AC, but he gets to, uh, Malchus gets to make an opportunity attack first. Okay. I believe that acts as an instant. Dan, you gave everyone a plus one to attack anyone, right? Uh, yeah. I don't want to let my Facebook friends know I'm playing. No, thank you, tabletop. You want to let your Facebook friends know you're nerds? The fuck is that? Oh, let me mute you. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. There we go. Oh, it doesn't work with me. Woof. Dumb. Uh, so that'll be my- That's a basic melee right now. Yeah, but my, um, soul eater attack can be used in place of a basic melee.

So that is gonna help. I need better rules, you know? 14 damage. Wow, okay, that's good. That's very, very good. Uh, he is staggering now. Nice. And the 16 missed Duncan. So that was just a fucking wash. Uh, next up in the order. Jarek. Jarek! Which way is he looking? Right towards, uh- It doesn't matter. [laughter] If you- he's looking right at Duncan because he just whipped an energy orb at him. And it missed. Energy. Alright, I'm gonna use Burning Blade. Uh, 21. Okay, what's the- how about we talk about what Burning Blade does? Alright, what Burning Blade does is- this is pretty cool, you're gonna like this.

Uh, it's intellect- uh, it's attack plus intellect versus AC. And then after that, I do exactly what I did with the last daily, which is two, uh, ten sided die plus five. And that'll do that damage. And then after that, if it lands, then for now on through this encounter, I do plus two fighter damage. Actually, that's just the effect. Whether it lands or not, that's your- that's your parting gift. You get to do extra fire damage. Your strength modifier is two, correct? What? Your strength modifier is two? Yeah. Okay, so that's your extra fire damage whenever you hit something after this.

Oh, okay, that's what I was reading there then. Okay, the pixel. Alright, great, so now no matter what happens, this is gonna hit him, right? Uh, 21, yeah, it hit him. So, what's your damage? 12. He's dead. Yeah. [grunts] Alright. That happened. Anything else you wanna do? That's why I completely lost it, Scrave. Can I heal myself? If you spend a- if you spend your action point, then yes. Oh. Um. Yeah, let's do that. Okay, you're spending your action point. I'm gonna spend my action point. Okay. Uh, let's take that away. Alright, and you're spending a surge. Surge.

No one remembers that. Remember that, guys? Come on. Surge? Soft-Strike? No? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Okay, fine. That's a fuckin' loot loop. Alright, and you're back up to 24, and next up is Malchus. Oh, shit. Surge. Okay. So, I've still got, uh... What? Stay there. Okay. Stay where you are. I'm staying where I am. I have a plan. Should I just- should I hit him, or should I... Do whatever you want to hit him, just don't move. Wait a second. Are you- are you gonna get into flanking with him? Yes. Uh, Jason, I'm gonna delay my action until after, um, after Duncan acts. Okay, don't you have to pick the action now?

That's- that's readying an action. Readying. Okay, delay- nevermind. Delaying means I'm just taking myself out of initiative, and then putting myself back in later. Okay. And then that will be my new initiative for the rest of the encounter. Oh, alright. We can do that. Okay. Okay, so that means that I'm going now, right? Yep, your turn. Okay. So I'm getting up right here. Behind that motherfucker. I'm gonna use my daily for the first time in the game. Yeah. It's over 9000! Okay. What kind of song you about to play, Duncan? Uh, Slayer's song. Yeah. A song by Slayer.

Uh. I don't know anything for Slayer. Raining Blood, I think? Yes, that one. Put your hands up! Okay, so that is D20+7+2 for flanking. So let me clear this real quick. Okay, you two motherfuckers sound just like the Squire brothers. Which is not a bad thing. No. No it isn't, but I know what you two fuckers sound like now, and I got you. Well, if I- Long warning. If I miss, I still get half damage, apparently? Correct, yeah. With some dailies, that's the bonus effect. Yeah. So. Okay. Let's do this. Hit it. 20. That is a hit. That's a hit? That's a hit. For CC, right? Yes.

Now I get 2d8+4. And, just to let everyone know since I already hit, um. The target grants combat advantage to me and my allies until the end of the encounter, whenever you hit an enemy, I guess that would be me, that enemy grants combat advantage to you and your allies until the end of my turn. Wow, nice. From this point forward, whenever I hit anybody, we get combat advantage until the end of my turn. And that flat combat advantage that it got from the hit is save ends. Yeah, save ends. Whatever that means. What does that mean? So that means he's going to be making saving throws like, um, like, uh, Thoril had to make to get rid of my slow power.

Okay. Which still haven't, which he still has not gotten rid of. So, okay, so. I jacked you hard, man. So target grants combat advantage to us and our allies until he gets us, until he passes the saving roll, right? Yeah. So we have combat advantage. Yeah. What exactly is combat advantage for the people at home? That's the, so flanking offers you that as well. Okay. So it's the plus two. Yeah. Since we have flanking now, it's redundant, but if he gets out of position, we'll still have it. Right. Okay. So there you go guys. Uh, and two DA plus four, 13. Uh, 13 damage.

Okay. That's respectable. Uh, he's still not bloodied or anything like that. So, all right. That's uh, all right. Jason, you revealed to me what I think I already know is Iron Tooth is solo. Uh, he, he's a toughie. He's a boss. I thought there would be five of you. I think we can still do this. So I'll be swinging D 20 plus 10. Uh, soul leader. Yes. 27, 27 hits. 10 damage. 10 damage. And I get a plus two on my next attack roll against him. All right. That's uh, yeah, he's not bloodied yet, but you are fucking pissing him off. He's taken it from both sides. He's spinning around fucking, he's, he's blocking what he can, but he's taking the shoulder.

He's screaming at the only other cobalt in the room to do something. And it is Thorol's turn. Wait, is that the damage for your melee basic attack? Yeah, damage is a D 10 plus eight. Then it's, yeah, it's an extra 10 side. D 10, sorry. Yeah. Okay. My bad. Boom. Well, then in that case, uh, move up to Iron Beer. Wait, you're slowed. Yeah. Oh. Ah. Thank you, Marcus. I only have a, I have a movement of six and I only move three. Yeah. Was that three? Yeah, it was three. Okay, cool. Don't forget the plus, don't forget the plus two by the way. Oh yeah. So, uh, yeah, melee basic attack on Iron Tooth.

So now he, okay. Yeah. Now Tyler already has the combat advantage because Iron Tooth is green that either way, whether he was flanked or not. So from the power. Yep. Yes. So you're throwing a melee basic attack, right? Yep. Okay. Whatever the normal math is, plus two. Let's hope for something good. 20. 20 hits. All right. Yeah. So basically roll two, uh, two D tens. Two D tens, then plus an eight, right? No, no, no. See what I, what I didn't see here. Oh yeah. Plus, yeah. Plus an eight. Uh, that doesn't, you don't get an offhand attack where that dual weapon attack is a second separate attack.

I'm sorry. So yeah. So you get to roll two. So it's either power strike or the second attack. Yeah. But this is going to hit for more because it's two D tens plus eight. Like it's a fuckload. Yeah. And really? Christ. A one and a four. You rolled a one and a four. It's not bad. Yeah. Wait a second, he can still make that dual weapon attack if he did hit because he just can't get the power strike damage to that as well. Cause he's making a melee basic attack and the power strike. That's true. That is. Okay. You're right. My bad. So yes. You can attempt the second weapon.

You can attempt. Yeah. Plus still be the extra two added to it, right? So D 20. Still an extra two to the attack roll. Yep. 23. That hits. Nice. Then a D six plus eight. Eight. Fourteen. You have bloodied iron tooth. Nice. Yeah. Well done guys. So the 14 and the 13. Holy crap. Now let me tell you something about iron tooth. He has a fucking awful temper and you guys are very close. Bunched up right next to him. But first before I tell you about iron tooth temper, the cobalt behind him is going to throw down another set of these fucking coal traps. I have a feeling where he's going to put it.

He's going to put down another scroll. And scroll. Oh, I forgot to do a saving throw for my you're right. Yes. Do a saving throw and watch me fail. Five. But you didn't critically fail. That's four, right? The chances of you failing this many times in a row was about 6%. Guys, look up on the upside though. We have a lot of health on us. That's all I gotta say. We have a roof over our heads. We have loved ones. We love each other. We're in this orgy dungeon. We have a dragon. Oh wait, I forgot. I'm thankful for Thor all the day. He's really a trooper. What do you guys think of Thor?

I want to find out what that Drake's name was. I swear to god. Promise me you'll tell me. There's a lot of mystery surrounding Duncan. These questions need to be answered. The cobalt spiker... What's there going to do with Duncan coming out next week? Cobalt spiker is going to use Sling against... against Duncan. Motherfucker. 26 against Tracey. Nope. Yes. That's my bad. 1d6 plus three... Five. Five damage. I can take it. That brings us to Iron Tooth. You were talking of this terrible temper? Yes. When Iron Tooth is bloodied, he goes into blood craze mode. While bloodied, Iron Tooth gains a 1d10 damage and loses the ability to use goblin tactics.

Goblin tactics, it's a shifty type thing. When you miss him with a melee attack, he gets to shift. He's not worried about shifting anymore. He just wants to fucking bury axes in your necks. So he gains a 1d10 to his damage. And he must attack the nearest foe. He's not going to move, and when he doesn't move, he gets to use both his battle axes against the two nearest foes, which is going to be Malkus and Duncan. So this could get fucking nasty real quick. Like real fucking nasty. He's going to attack Malkus first. That's 1d20+8. 18. Miss! I'm still at 19, yes!

Now he's going to swing on Duncan. 14. Oh, that's fucking, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet. He is fucking pissed and swinging. He's just twirling around. It just feels like all badass taking two huge battle axes and just swinging them on both sides of his arms and he just smacks the concrete. If he hits one of you with them. Matrix slow motion dodges down onto our knees, bending over backward. If he hits one of you with these. Jason, can you check off Majestic Word on mine so I don't think to use it in Slayer's Song 2? Yep, got it. Thanks. I know, I'm air headed, I'll just forget.

No problem, that's my job to do that anyway. Sometimes I forget. It is Jarek's turn. Alright, I'm moving up right next to my, not backward. Oh, Iron Tooth has to try to save against the auto combat advantage. Oh, yes he does. 1d20, 3. Nice, he still got it. What? You got combat advantage against him so add +2 to whatever you roll attack wise. Oh, attack wise? Yes. +2 on top of the fire? No. +2 to hit him, to hit him. Attack roll is the d20. Oh, I'm sorry, I, I, I, alright. 13. Motherfuck. 13, misses. Is that all you want to do? I'm gonna fuckin' slap a woman in the face that doesn't deserve it.

Alright, can I use a miner, can I beg? Can you beg him not to try and swing at you? Come on man! Duncan, your turn. I'm here for diplomacy. It's too late to try barter in trees! Actually, I can do an intimidation roll to see if I can get him to surrender. You're the tank, your job is to beg him to hit you. Why is everybody moving away? Can I do that right now? I'm backing up one. There's no way your intimidate is gonna be high enough to make this guy surrender to you. It would be if you give me a shot and add like a bunch of multipliers. It's not gonna happen.

He is blood crazed and fuckin' just swearing and swinging and... Okay, this is a d20+4 versus Will. Okay. Will. So... 18. That'll hit. Yeah. Okay, so that's one d6+4. That's a d6, right? No, that's a d8. Let me get the d6. d6+4. Roll it. 10. Okay. Now here's the cool thing. He takes a... on top of the... Oh, by the way, I didn't use the attack bonus on that one. But on top of the attack bonus that we have right now of +2, he now has a -2 on his attack rolls until my next turn. Wow. Wow, that's... okay, cool. Heavy debuffs. He just got mages. And I'm dancing around because I'm mocking him.

I'm like, "Look at me, I have Iron Butt." He is just fucking swinging and cursing and you're slowing him and you have attack bonuses against him and it's getting nasty. Malchus. I'll go with what works. I'll Soul Eater. The +2 from Dan... no. That's still available. Yeah, but that's from flanking so that does stack with my power bonus. But he has a throw. He didn't throw the... he missed the saving throw. Saving throw. Right, right. So I'm actually rolling at +12 which is actually really helpful. Wait. So on +8 normally, 2 from him granting combat advantage, and then the +2 power bonus from hitting him with Soul Eater last round.

Oh, okay, yeah, okay. I thought you were stacking it for stories. So what do we got here? What do we got? 17. That is a miss. Yeah. Okay, that's all I got. Yeah, doesn't that hurt when you have all these multipliers on top of you and then it's like, "You missed! I will go to sleep now." Your sword goes fucking flaccid. It's just a turn. Thoril, your turn. Alright. I guess just a melee basic attack and then see if I can do a dual weapon. Tyler's your best bet. Fuckin' A. Oh, that is a miss. 13. What a round of shitty luck. Kobold is gonna throw down another bunch of these spiky things, these cold traps, cow traps.

I don't know. What's gonna happen here is we're gonna kill off iron balls here and then we're not gonna be able to get the other one because he's throwing down all these traps. We'll just throw things at him. Stop it. Stop doing what you're doing. Just pelt him. Your defense is pissing me off. He's gonna use sling. Shit. It's Duncan. I'm sorry, but I'll fucking die if I take one of his heads. So no. Okay. That brings us to Iron Tooth. He's gonna swing on Malkus and then Jarek. I knew it. So here we go. I forgot to do another saving roll. Go ahead. Do your saving roll.

It doesn't much matter. Run! You're getting worse. X is a negative 19. I was gonna say, you only get negative 3 on my next roll. You critical man. I think you're just slowed forever. You have a bum knee now. Wrong. Okay, guys. He gets a negative 2 against his attack rolls, right? Right. Alright. So let's see what he can do here. First he's gonna swing on Malkus. 22. Alright, go ahead. Okay, here's the bad part. Because he's blood crazed, he adds an extra 1d10 to his damage. So that's 1d8 plus 14. 17. I was gonna say, he can mathematically reduce me to 1 health. I was just gonna say, is it 10 guaranteed or is it an extra d10 die?

Oh no, you're right. You're right. Shit. Okay, my bad. I fucking rolled that wrong. You're right. Good eye, Tyler. Thank you, Tyler. Asshole. 18. Hey, what's wrong with you, Tyler? Look, we all met this. I blew it, man. I love shit like that. Did Tyler just get back at Malkus? That was sneaky, though. Like, hey man, I'm trying to help you out. Fucker. I don't understand this team. And now he's gonna roll against Jarek. 24. Yeah, that's a hit. 15. Alright, well, I'm down to a... 9? Yeah. Down to 9. And Malkus is down to 5. We need our healer. Yes, and what... Okay, Trias noticed all this and he's like, huh?

What? And he's gonna throw a heal Malkus's way. And you can spend a healing surge plus a d6, I believe was Trias's. Yeah. So, 6. So, your healing surge plus 6. Cool. What is your healing surge again? I think it's... 7. 7, okay. And that is 11. Can I actually use my second wind or is that like a minor? That's your... you have to use that on your turn, I believe. I know, but when it's my turn, like right now. It's your standard. 6 plus 7 is 13. You know, 18. Wait, what did I... yeah, you're right. 7, 11. That was an accident. Not a mistake. You're welcome, Malkus. Thank you.

Despite everything you've done to me. I hate to... I still can't get out of this. I hate to bring this up, but you threw a saving roll. Yes, yes. That's true, you're right. Gotta be fair. Hey! No more combat advantage! Just enough... Wait. What? That was a legit roll. I was getting cited for Tyler. No. God dammit. Jarek, your turn. Oh, shit. I am going to use my shit ability where I shit out of my armor. I'm going to use, um, what? Uh, do you have a range attack? It's shit. It's shit, okay. And it drags Iron Tooth toward him. Yes! I was going to say, if he had a range attack, he could back up one and hold off.

That actually... But if you get to the right spot, you can drag Iron Tooth through the caltrops. No, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. Yeah, good. Wait. Um, can I move away without him attacking me? You would have... You would disengage. If you wanted to move and then, like, five foot step to disengage and then another move action to move to where you wanted to be. And you'd go right there and then you could drag him through the trap to you. Yeah, but then I have a better chance of getting hit by both of them. That's very true. Yeah. But we still... We all get to move still before their next turn.

That's true. So I don't have to disengage? Yeah, you do. You have to. Oh, so I can't do that. Well, you still have an action point, right? Yeah. Oh. I used that to heal the last time. I'm just gonna swing at him. Yeah, I'm gonna swing at him. If you move up, you get the combat advantage again. What? If you move up, you get the combat advantage. If you slide up, you'll get... Yeah. Oh, that's true. Alright. I'm sliding up. Alright. I'm gonna regret that with my life. Okay, here we go. Alright, next turn. Even with the combat advantage, that's not gonna hit. So that's 12 plus 2.

I thought you got out of the combat advantage. You moved up to get back into combat advantage. Oh, whatever. Never mind. Duncan! Okay. I'm gonna move down here. I'm gonna keep up with my vicious mockery, which is the d20 plus 4. Because if I get it, then he still has to lose the negative 2 penalty on attack rolls. And this is against Will. 7. No. Okay. This is gonna get hairy. Malkus! Okay, I'll stay where I am and swing at him. Plus 2 power bonus again, flanking bonus again. And I've been forgetting to apply this, but I get an extra plus 1 to attack rolls against bloodied foes.

So we're rolling at plus 13, actually. Good fuck, man. Stacking bonuses. Oh shit, I forgot. Okay, sorry. I should have been a 2. It should have been a 1d20 plus 6, because I didn't apply the attack bonus from being flanked right now. It still would have missed. Yeah, I know. If we kill Iron Tooth, the other guy's gonna fall really easily. 31, I think, hits. My damage is not adjusted, though, so just the regular d12 plus 8. 13. All right, 13. You guys have hit him with a lot of 13s. That's interesting. I don't know why it's interesting, but it is. I thought you were gonna be like, "He's getting really angry about that." He hates the fucking number 13.

Rips out his magic wand and ties him up to classes. Summons his unicorn! Thoril, your turn. All right, let's hope for something here with the basic attack here. I don't think there's any bonuses. I think that's all Noxus stuff, so d20 plus 7. 20. That will hit. Nice. Right. Cut him. Really hard. 10 plus 8. 17. Oh shit! You bury your fucking axe in his chest and he stumbles down to one knee. Now... 20 plus 7. Come on. 18. That'll hit! Yes! All right. d6 plus 8. 12. You spin around with your other blade and decapitate him. Yes! You'll kill your bonus. Iron Tooth is dead.

You wanna throw your saving roll? Get by. Do it! Watch me fail at this. Win! That's it! Game over! You are no longer slowed. Other guy's head explodes from that. And then pyrotechnics go off and fucking Luke Skywalker's playing the bass. Um, I take it that's the end of your turn. That's it. That's how I was living a boyhood, right? He was on his cock. So the Kobold Spiker sees this and... D20 plus 4. God. Kobold Spiker sees this and he's just fucking... he's so frightened he's going to run at you and attack. So 1. And he's going to attack Jarek. Damn it. All this shit.

He's going to use his shortsword attack, which is a D20 plus 7. 27. That's a crit. I'm down. Uh, well you don't even know what the damage is yet. He hits with whatever he has. Right, which is... oh wow. One D6 plus 3 which is 9 which takes you down. Alright, well, that sucks but... You are on the ground now. You're not actually dead-bed until you reach your negative value. You're fine. I mean, you're not fine. I'm out of the game, you know? No one should take out of the game. Alright, coach? I have a question. Can he understand us when we talk? He's fucking loopy.

He's unconscious, basically. He's on the ground. He doesn't know shit. Not Jarek, but the Kobold. Which Kobold? The one that's alive. Oh, that one. Oh, okay, you said when he's on the ground. Can he understand us when we talk? When we speak? He speaks Draconic, so the only one who can really speak to him is gonna be Malchus. Okay, so we can make game plans and stuff and he can't hear us. Not really, but he sees what your fucking game plan is based on his decapitated boss. I think we should lure him down to the pit and then have... heal Jarek and have him laugh at him and pull him in the pit.

Like five more rounds of turns just because how awesome it would be. We could do that with his lifeless body. Somebody stands him up, I use the lasso of truth and wave him inside. The lasso of truth. Can we throw Iron Head's body down the pit and then let the girl fall and land on him and not die? That pit is far too fucking... and that's Iron Tooth. I know, that's... I know. That's some kind of... Have some kind of respect for the dead. Come on. Whose turn is it? Uh, it is Jarek's actually. So make a fucking saving throw. Alright, so what's this, 20 side? 20 side, just a regular 20 side.

I don't get any multipliers? No. Not against death. Wait, do Warforged do it though? I think because they're... That's only if I'm getting like taking ongoing damage I get a +2. Okay. My bad, man. Like if he's laying in a pool of acid or on fire. That's one. Two. You rolled a two, so that's one strike. That's one strike. Duncan! Ugh. Okay, uh, I'll try Vicious Mockery from here on... Duder up there. On one of the scrolls. Uh, he's not being flanked. So... Nope. Mmm, miss. Malkus! Thanks for rubbing it in. Okay, I'll swing him. That's his will. He has more than eight will?

Yes. Okay, just making sure. He's one of the higher up kobolds. He's an executive. Gotcha. Laundries. Uh, 19 versus AC there? Yes. Oh, that's it. 19 damage. Wow, that is respectable. And then I'll shift one space. Alrighty. Uh, next up is Thoril. I was just about to move over to the back here. See if you can follow up that fucking turn that you did last time. You could heal me. Actually Dan could have healed you. No, actually, I lost my healing. The subject stops making death saving throws and does not need to anymore unless he gets hit again or otherwise takes damage.

So yeah, stable until we get a five minute rest and then you can spend your surges like we spend them during rests. Okay, so he's not up but he's not gonna die. Alright, cool. So that's good. Thanks a lot, Tyler. No, seriously, thank you. And then I'll use my action point so I can actually attack this dude. No matter what I say, it just makes me sound like an asshole. Besides you have a sarcastic way of talking. I know. Alrighty. And you're gonna use a melee basic attack? Yeah. Oh god help me. Uh, eighteen. Eighteen on it? Yeah. Alright. Man. Cd10+8. Hoowah! We got a sixteen.

Shiyama. Yes. He is bloodied. Offing in d20+7, twelve. Uh, that will miss. But there's no shame in that. Thanks for doing all the work, daddy. Uh, Kobold's turn. Throw his trap down. He's gonna throw some cold traps down behind him. Why? So he can't flank him. Someone's punching you in the mouth! That's his minor action. Oh. And that's just a thing that he does. He's a Kobold spiker, that's what he does. Um. He is going to use his shortsword. Watch out, man. Nineteen against Thor. Uh, that'll hit. Okay, cool. He says cool with Kobold. He says cool. Yeah, he's not, I would have no reason.

Eight. So eight damage to you. Eight does not hit. Um. Ho ho ho ho ho ho. Ho ho. Oh. Ha ha ha! And he's gonna shift back one square. Trump flag. Uh, Jarek, your turn. Yeah, let's roll for initiative. You don't have to roll. Sixteen. We discussed this. Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I'm kind of dumb. What happened? You're good, you don't have to throw a second wind. I want to use my second wind. Well, you don't have to roll for that. That's just a thing you do. Okay, I'm using my second wind. So you're spending a healing surge, which is worth seven, I believe, for you. Um. Seven, yes.

Yeah. So you're up to seven. No, Jesus Christ. Okay. Can I... Your move action would be to stand back up. Alright, I'm standing back up. Okay, and you're done. A minor action. Can I roll to inspect the damage? Would you stop with the fucking checks? That don't make any sense. I'm rolling to inspect the damage that I have. Second wind is your standard action, though, right? It's sixteen. How bad is... How am I doing, doc? Is Rob still there? I'm here. Okay, um, the second wind takes up his standard action, right? No, I didn't rage quit, no, if that was a question. Yeah, so, well, but you've, um, Jarek has already used his second wind once in this encounter, right?

Did I? Didn't you spend an action point to use a second wind at some point earlier in the fight? I didn't check it off. Okay, if that's not the case, then yeah, you still have your second wind left. Do you want me to lay on the ground again? No, no. Okay. So, I thought his second wind was used up. If his second wind wasn't used up, the heal check from, uh, Thoril actually brought him back up to those seven hit points. Okay. So he's got his whole turn. I know I healed myself, I don't think, I don't know. I don't remember, I, I... I don't want this to be tainted with, yeah, but I'm pretty sure, like, if it's in my head, then...

Let's just go with it. Let's just go with it right now. You used your second wind this time, so you have your turn. Go ahead. Oh, so I'm actually allowed to do something? Go ahead. Yeah. You want to try something at him? Blurp, blurp. I was going to say, you'll still need your move action to stand up, um, but, I mean, you could lightning lure him into the caltrops, that would let us do that fun trickery. Can I? Yeah, because he's being pulled toward you, right? Yeah, I'm going to use the lightning whip. From that angle, it's okay? Well, it'll, it pulls him to an adjacent space next to him.

Okay. Yeah. Twenty. That's a hit. Yeah. So, what's the damage for that first? Then we'll take care of the other thing. Alright, um... No, wait, actually, I need to, um... It's plus, it's, uh, 1d6. It's supposed to be plus five, but I'm still having fire on the balloon, right? Yep. Yeah, that lasts for the encounter, so that's plus two. Eleven. Uh, okay, so, here's what happens. Uh, you wrap this fucking thing around his neck, and you drag him towards you through his own fucking trap, through his own spikes, right up to you, so he's fucking, these fucking things are in his chest, basically.

Let's see, uh, let's see what kind of damage this is going to do. Um, okay, plus ten versus reflex. Uh, that hit. So, that does, Jesus Christ. Uh, 2d4 plus four. Do I have to roll that? No. Uh... The cat rolls that. Ten. Uh, he died. Yeah! You drug him through his own trap, and he fucking died at your feet, laying just face down. Okay, let's inspect the bodies, quickly. Can I roll to inspect my body? Would you, god damn it. Would you boys like to inspect my body? Alright, so five, what do I see? I do a bluff check. So, here's some fun stuff, uh, you guys got past a pretty fucking difficult encounter here.

Yes. Uh, and you're gonna be, you're gonna be rewarded for it here. So, uh, you have just found 420 gold. Whoa! Hey! Uh, it, uh, now, there was no, there was no real gold or riches or anything fucking valuable on any of the kobolds, but, on your tooth himself, uh, you, you, you've had a, a big old sack of cash on him. What about those axes? Uh, the axes are just fucking sharp ass axes. Really not. So, the skill was what did the damage? Yes, let's, yes. But, uh, four hundred and two, uh, uh, guess what else you guys found? What? Uh, Iron Tooth's collection of dildos.

I bet it's a hint as to which of these levers we have to pull. Uh, unfortunately no. Uh, you did find a suit of plus one dwarven chainmail. I'm a dwarf. Any, I mean, it's dwarven chainmail, yeah, it's, it's, it's just a style. Uh, it's gonna give you a plus one enhancement to your, uh, your, uh, AC. Who wears chainmail? Malchus does. I think, uh, Duncan does as well. You guys can discuss who gets that. Duncan in the armor. Duncan. You get a plus one bonus to endurance checks. Uh, I don't have good, what about your, what's, what about your endurance checks? Um, my, my constitution is a touch higher than yours.

I don't think, I don't think either of us are trained in it. So, yeah. Wait, endurance? Mine's plus five. Oh, maybe not. Uh, no. Mine's a plus four. Oh, you've got a racial modifier to it. So should I, so now he's taking it to plus six. I guess it's pretty good. Either way, I can do both melee and ranged. You're more dedicated to melee than I am. So you need a modifier in order to use that shit? No, I'll take it. You'll take it? Okay. So, uh, Duncan, uh, Duncan will wear the dwarven chainmail. All right. You carry it with you for now. I'm going to have it on by the next encounter.

Now, these levers, cause I, the very next thing you do after you loot the bodies and after you search through his fucking things is, oh yeah, the girl that's, that's hovering above that pit. I'm thinking about jumping in just to see how far everything is, you know? That annoys me greatly. I don't know why it is. It's gotta be some god complex DM thing. No, you didn't save her yet. You're going to lock all these tokens next time. You don't save her yet. All right. So, uh, she, she fucking starts just screaming for you to get over here. Stop looting bodies.

Come over here. I gotta fucking, I gotta tell you something. I gotta tell you something funny. Can we look through this table? Just cause there's as much papers on it. It's just scraps of paper. Well, they can loot through it. Malchus will listen to the girl. Thank you. I'm there. You know that whole thing that you were supposed to do. I'll listen, but I'm going to sit down. So, first off, she tells you her name is Tali. Dad. And dead. No. Dad, get down. Get down. You're dead. Uh, she's, she also told you that the levers that control the, the suspension of the cage is booby trapped.

Fuck. All of them? Uh, well, it's, you have to unlock them in a certain sequence or the cage plummets into the depths. See, I knew this motherfucker was going to do this. I knew that something was going to happen like this. God damn. Doing another dungeoneering check, specifically on the levers. Will that help us at all? Uh, well, that's, that's what we're going to get into in just a second. But first, she tells you before you do anything, she has to tell you what she's overheard. Alright. Because Iron Tooth spoke common. Oh. And he has been communicating with a man called Calerel, who is leading the cult of Orcus, uh, the local chapter, basically, of the cult of Orcus.

And he is planning on doing some fucking awful shit. His plan is to, from what she's heard, bring Orcus back tonight. Tonight is your night, Orcus. But... I just took an intimidation check on her at 18. Is that... She's telling you everything! I'm telling you everything! You shake the cage. She says, "What are you doing? What are you doing?" I'm intimidating you. She couldn't be in any more vulnerable position. Alright, can I go back to looting bodies? Um, the bodies are all looted. Alright, I'm going to call you bluff. Uh, she was supposed to be... I'm going to use an intimidation check on the, uh...

She's telling you that she was supposed to be offered up as a sacrifice. Oh shit, that's just whack. And right now, the rest of the Kobolds are looting a burial site, looking for the last key they need to open the gate to allow Orcus to walk back into this world. And that is something you do not want. But first things first, you guys need to figure out these levers. So, you can... this is how it's going to work. One of you needs to step up, and you can either do thievery or dungeoneering checks. You need to get six successes before three failures. I got a plus seven dungeoneering.

I only have plus three. I'm bad at both of those. I got a plus four thievery too. I guess you don't want all accounts. Okay, so dungeoneering Tyler, I think it's you. This is all you, Tyler. What's up, brother? So what do I gotta do better then? Uhhhh, well, I can't... I'll tell you that. Well, I can tell you. Can I say something? Yes. Can I do a history roll on her just to see if she knew anything else as she was getting dragged in here? You checking motherfucker! Look, I'm here to encourage you to do that. That's pretty smart, you know? Look, she's told you everything.

Her life is in danger right now. I start shaking cages. She doesn't recognize you. She's not really connected as to what's going on in the street because firstly, she's the daughter of fucking Lord PageRig who isn't really... she's not really a streetwise kind of girl. Secondly, she's been locked up in a cage for a couple of days. Okay. Tyler, can I do my dungeoneering rolls? Umm, yes. Do your dungeoneering rolls. Can you get up to the levers though so you can actually try it? Here, I'll get it. Don't worry. K-Fabe, come on. Alright, I got 23. I'm pretty sure that's one success. 20.

That is a success. 14. That is a failure. You have two successes, one failure. So I have a question here. 19. Yes. Is this cage suspended from the roof on any length of chain? Uhh, yes. Could I leap onto the cage and start swinging it back and forth so that in the event the wrong lever is pulled, there's a chance of the cage like swinging over to the ground? The cage is booby-trapped. Think of this as Indiana Jones where the slightest... not just jostle, but the slightest adjustment of weight, whether it be through physics or whatever, would cause the cage to plummet.

This has been booby-trapped in such a way that... 19, you said? That is a success. You have three successes, one failure. What if I unraveled my chainmail and made a chain with it and then tied it around the cage? I could explain to you as to how that's impossible. Jason, can I ask you a question? One more question. What comes in the adventure's kit? Uhh, rope, sleeping bag, uhh, you got... uhh, what the hell, a lantern, torches I think, some snacks. Could we tie all our rope together and throw it in there to like... so she can hold onto it in case she falls?

That's a cage around her. Yeah, but I mean we could get it through there, you know what I'm saying? Like do it at a less effective... Then the cage is gonna be resting on her head. Still, she's not... she's not down a pipe. Okay, let me describe to you exactly what you're dealing with here. This is a very heavy iron cage. You can throw your rope to her if you like. Because Tyler just rolled another failure. That's three successes, two failures. So what are we getting at? Me? No, I mean the failures and successes, what are we trying to get at? Six successes, but four failures.

Three failures. Three. Three failures, okay. So this is it. Decide what you want to do before Tyler rolls again. Okay, we need to figure out a backup plan here. Like, we need to. She has a very worried look on her face as Tyler is flipping switches. Tyler, stop, let's keep it down. And the cage is jerking. I'm not touching nothing. I got an idea. Hey, can we go through these doors? Yeah, we can leave her. No, I mean the doors that the bad guys came through. Can we go through there? That's just a small room, basically. A small, kind of a lounge setting. So Iron Chief lives in his closet?

Well, think of it as his bedroom or personal quarters, whatever. That's where you found the chain mail. There's nothing in there. I've got an idea, but you have to trust me. What's this? Just like a weapons rack. Looks like a torture rack. It's Lex Luger's torture rack, yes. He just lays it down here every now and then. Oh, it is a torture rack, you're right. I had to zoom in on that. What an idea. Is this a trampoline here? A trampoline? No, that's like a water fountain. That's like a well. Gotcha. A well. Got anything, Malchus? I got an idea. I have a thought. I mean, provided we don't need to urgently pull the next lever to find out what happens, could we literally go up to the surface, cut down a big log, and set it across the pit under her so as to catch her like a log or two?

Okay, that is a fantastic idea. The only problem is once you've engaged the levers, you have a limited amount of time. This is all happening seconds, so. Weapon rack big enough to go across the pit if we laid it down. The torture rack there, that will slide into the pit. Okay. What if we put it like halfway in and then weighted the other side? How? Like we all sit on the side that's all, like right underneath the cage. This just stinks of desperation right now. We got to. No, listen, listen. I got an idea. Shut the fuck up and listen to me. How about if I swing my sword at the lock, but somebody would already have their rope handed to her.

And then she can like jump out or she just jump out at somebody and you know, we don't have to flip anymore switches. Well, yeah, wait. This is not a bad idea. Like if we could get the rope to her around the same area, like in between the crack where the door would open and close, then when the door opens, the rope would not, you know, she gets, it wouldn't be affected by the cage. How far is this pit? Like how far is she from us? From ground? It's about like a normal sized person laying down basically. So it's about six, six and a half feet on any side.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about this table? The one we were looking at with the papers on it? That's not big. You can, you can look at the size of it compared to the pit. Oh, okay. That's two blocks. Yeah. Okay. Another thought, and this might be kind of hard to picture, but if we were to throw, so we throw a rope across to her, she tosses the end of it out the other side to someone on the other side. And then we like weave that back and forth through the cage a few times, even if the cage falls, the bars catch the rope. Now this kind of depends on us having really high strength checks to like pull it taught when it drops.

But, um, is that endurance? No, that's strength. That's pure raw strength. So we might all get tugged into the pit with her if we tried to do this. If you fail to check for the strength, that's good. Now let me describe, you're not only talking about, if this thing plummets, you're talking about a huge, heavy iron fucking cage on top of all the chain that's going to be dumped down into it when it releases. What if we just all throw a switch at the same time? (laughter) Well, what's your dungeoneering? Because we're going to, slightly, slightly less than shit.

So let's see here. We got three successes and two failures. So if I start doing it, will I stack on his or will I have separate ones? No, it stacks. It stacks? Okay. Do any of you have dungeoneering? I mean, I have plus three. Uh, you can roll to help him. Okay. And it won't hurt? No, no, no. This won't, like, his roll is independent of it, but if you pass the check with him, you'll add plus two to his roll. Okay. But it won't hurt him. Do we need like 18? Okay, yeah. Then I'll do that, absolutely. Can't do it. Now, do you, now, now, this next roll could possibly be it.

Well, could I roll now to add to his last one that failed? No. The hell? Because that happened. In the past. Alright. We need a backup plan if this fails. Who's the strongest? Oh, Strength. Everybody, what's your Strength modifier? It's you, Justin. I have a two! It's still you. I'm Wisdom! My mod is zero. Uh, my Strength is zero. Yeah, everything is zero. But what's your Strength in general? Mine's eleven. Fourteen. Eleven. My Endurance is high. This is a pretty high. I think Jason's, I just feel Jason's like, "Just fucking roll." No, no, I want you guys to think about this because if you roll and she falls, then what's this?

What about taking the rope and instead of doing a Strength check, you can tie it to something else? Jason, what's this? Yeah, what is that? That looks like trapdoors or something. Yeah. No, no, no, no, trapdoors, just kind of lengths of, just picture kind of like rebar for dungeons, just kind of like, you know, ah. How about instead of having us take the rope in case it fails, how about we tie it to one of the levers? Those would be jail cells, actually. Okay. Looking at them. Like, if you see those bars, those would be doors and the dotted areas would be jail cells.

Think of those as... So they're very strong, I assume. They're meant to hold prisoners. So if we tied all of our ropes to that and tied the other end to the cage, there's a good chance that we'd be able to hold it. I don't know. Because what if it falls apart? What if the shock from it releasing and then slamming into the wall? It still wouldn't be that far. She wouldn't have enough of a fall to hurt her. If we weave our rope together, I think we can make one strong enough that would hold her up in case... How high up is the ceiling? Like, what's the height of this room?

You're looking at like 20 feet or so. 20 feet? Do those doors that Iron Tooth came out extend from floor to ceiling? No. How tall are they? You're looking at about 10 feet. These are pretty big doors, but... Not quite big enough. I was hoping we could just break a door off and set it aside. What about the idea of weaving the ropes together? I like it. I think it's the best plan we have. That's your best plan so far. Not a hell of a lot to work with in this room. We could take everything in this room and just dump it down there and hope that it stacks up. I mean, that's plan B.

Well, now is there any way that we could somehow destroy the jail cells and get the bars from it? To do what with? To kind of like... Because, you know, if you get longer here... Let me just stop you right there. In the time it would take you to dismantle those jail cells... With the strength that we have. Right. Everybody, give me the ropes. That's probably the best option we have. Can I have my snacks out of the package? I just want the rope. You can have your ho-hos. So, you guys... Okay, uh... Pastries. You guys... Everyone but Tyler, who is feverishly... He's wiping the sweat from his brow and he's checking these levers and he's just gauging which one to pull next.

You guys are feverishly weaving rope. And then you toss the remainder to her which she ties to the heavy iron bars of her cage. I don't know, is she going to be strong enough to tie that? You don't have to be very strong to tie a knot. And she's doing it like her life depends on it. So, you'd be surprised at how... You don't have to be a fucking girl scout to... Hey, everybody piss on the rope. It's stronger that way. I'm not kidding. What do I have to roll for piss? I roll a 19. Dwarfs piss very well. You automatically get a +2 buff to piss. Sweet. Okay, now I'm over here...

Her butts can't even piss! Now you have a very stinky wet rope. Yeah, but it's stronger that way. Have you ever watched like Shanghai Knights? Actually, that was a myth. And that was silk. Okay, so I'm over here tying ropes... And it was noon, not nights. It was covered in piss. You were wrong on every single layer of that. I'm not the one who pissed on it, though. I can't piss on rope. So you take your piss-soaked rope... Come on, guys, why would I get that order? It's tied over here. I'm tying it right now. Alright. Tyler, your next roll. I'm assigned to your bet.

Here we go, here we go. Who's going to aid him on that roll, though? Someone can aid him on that roll and try to give him a +2. I got the 3. Is that going to be higher than anyone else? Not Dungeoneering, no. Dungeoneering, I'm zeroed out. Looks like you rolled a 19. No, we were rolling for pissing on rope. Oh, get me... I'm saying, is +3 higher than either Justin or Russ? No. You are higher than both... Yeah. You can all roll to aid him, by the way. Oh, okay. You don't need a multiplier. You can all roll to aid him. Can you guys wait a second? I'll be right back.

Jesus. You know, Tyler's got to go to work. Do it. Hit it. A 1. A 13 out of 1. Oof. Oh my god. Justin, roll. Why? Just roll a 20. I got 3. Okay, none of that's going to help you at all. Tyler's roll. He has 3 successes and 2 failures. 4 successes and 2 failures. That's a crit. Good. That's good titans. Hey guys, remember the saving rolls? I'm just saying. Yeah, do the saving rolls again for the next check. Do it. I got 19. Oh, thank you. That'll give him +2. Justin... No for Duncan. 17. That'll give him a little help. So he gets a +2 to whatever he rolls. Go ahead Tyler. Alright, I already added that.

Ah, 3 failures. The chain automatically slacks. And the cage starts to plummet. Now what happens is immediately the rope goes taunt. She falls down about 3 or 4 feet and the cage slams against one of the cavern walls. She tumbles around inside but it doesn't look like she's hurt too bad. She's screaming in terror. I'm going to rush over and try to pull her up. I take it. That would be a good idea. The rope is pulled taunt and you can hear it straining. A strength check? Yeah, we're going to be cooperating on strength checks I guess. So... Okay, I got the... I got it.

So Justin's the only one with a strength modifier I think. So everybody else is going to roll and then me? Now, this is the way this is going to work. If you pass the strength test, you pull her up. If you fail... She drops. Because the rope is only going to hold on for a couple of seconds. Because as you're doing this, the chain... We're talking fucking hundreds of feet of chain. It's falling down. It's falling down, pulling the cage. Now, the cage itself is fucking solid iron. Thick iron bars. That's heavy enough. And then you've got the chain pulling on it.

And it's going to pull taunt in just a second. So Justin's roll. Everyone else can roll to help him. I already have the number written down that you have to pass. So they roll and then I roll with the modifier? Yes. If there is one. Oh, four. Come on! Four, that's not going to help. That's not going to help. That's not going to help. Jesus Christ, a four, a five, and a thirteen. Wait, wait, wait. A four-year-old. Any other bright ideas here? Now that's too... This is it. Now the plan is in motion. We're live, buddy. You can't do an athletic check or something? Do a backflip.

It needs to be feet down. No one could reach down and we could make a human chain and pull the whole thing up? It's falling now. I think you're beholding so much more weight. Yeah. I just realized you probably could have done this all way. No, she's still locked in there. Never mind. That's the problem. Yeah, she's immobile. Okay, I got the number written down. Slicing that lock and her jumping would be a lot better right now. You passed. Yes! Just barely fifteen was the fucking number. I literally got excited because of that. You pull the cage up. All four of you are pulling and tugging on this thing and you pull it up.

And she is just panning and completely fucking spent. That was just adrenaline. That's what help if it's like, okay, so... Okay, so we're standing in front of her. She's standing in front of us, right? She's safely out of the cage? Yes, she is. You've taken her out of the cage. She's safe. She is extremely grateful. Often. She's going to race over to Thoril and wrap her arms around her. Thoril was the one making the most of the checks. Even though it didn't really work out, Thoril did take the initiative. So she's going to race over to Thoril and wrap her arms around Thoril.

Thank you so much. So Thoril, just simply ask her what do you know about what they're planning to do besides just sacrifice you? Iron Tooth kept talking about a mage named Kalarel who wants to open a rift to the Shadowfell. He's going to release something into our world. I really don't know what the plan is after that. But I'm pretty sure he's going to try and control it. But he needed you as some sort of sacrifice, right? He's a blood mage. So yeah, he needed me to help open the rift. At least my blood. Are there any others? Any backup captives in case you were not around when the event needed to transpire?

I'm the only one that I know of. Well, it seems for the moment we've foiled the plan. Do you think perhaps you could lead us, do you know perhaps where they would be at to try to open up this rift? If you could take us to that. I could show you where it is. There's an old tower. It's not far from here really. It's just to the north. It's been abandoned for decades. No one really uses it for anything. But if Iron Tooth is right, that's where he's currently setting things up. But he's probably not going to be alone. I'd have to say that's usually not much of a problem for us.

I got an idea, guys. Before we go and fight the big bad guys, why don't we take her home? And that way we don't have to spend all our time protecting her. That would just kill time. I agree with Duncan. We shouldn't have her out here. To be fair, if he needed to sacrifice, and we don't know of any right now that may foil their plan long enough to take her back, I'm just thinking we may have time to do that. Well, I hope for taking her back. There's no reason we should be having sacrifice on delivery for him. Yeah. That would be kind of foolish. We brought her to you, but you have to fight us first.

True, but... Just dangle her in front of him. So you're taking Talia back to Winterhaven. So you guys walking through these gates, they're going to be ecstatic to see you guys firstly. This is awesome. You brought back Talia. She's obviously very recognized within the city. I imagine you're taking her right to Lord Paydrake. Oh, yeah. Promptly. Her father? Yeah, her father. Yeah. The drake is going to be following in tow. In the town? Not in town. I would imagine that would be a thing that you'd think, "Okay, let's maybe leave the drake outside." I've been working with you long enough that I know that we need to make sure about that.

We tied the drake up to a post. Out of the horse stable, the drakes... So let me ask a question. Does this drake have a name? Ralph. Okay. Oh, Norm. I'm sorry, it's Norm. I'm sorry. Norm. Norm. Yeah. I canonized that on the forums, so that's it. Okay. They got some deep lore there. There you go, folks. That's what you've been waiting for. What forums? Dan, what are you talking about? TWR forums, dummy. How long do you keep the charade up that this isn't three years later? Adric is gonna stand up out of his chair here and race over to Talia and wrap his arms around her.

He's gonna hug her for a good long while. And almost a little teary-eyed, he's gonna look over to the party. Thank you all so much. I can't even begin to thank you. Anything you need, you come to me and I will make sure that you all get it. I'll take note of that, but where are we going? She did already tell you. She did? Yeah. Okay. Does Lord Page Wreck know about the necromancer situation? Let's see here. He doesn't know specifically about that, but he does know a bit about the cult. You guys discussed that and you guys were investigating it, so you could report your findings to him.

I think that would be a good chance to get all our ducks on the line here for narrative purposes, just to get an idea of where we're going. Lord Page Wreck, Talia was in custody and expected to be used as a sacrifice by a local necromancer of some kind. To open a portal, it seems? Not the most delightful thing to have running around your region unchecked. Are we too late to stop this? Well, he's sacrifice-free at the moment, so we've pulled that one off. But Talia said she knew where he was supposed to be holed up. He's going to glance over to Talia. Is this true?

And she's going to relay the exact same information to him that she did you, so just a little bit of information dump. And Patrick's going to turn back to the party. I understand you've already done us a great service, but is there any possibility that you could take care of this problem for us? We can pay you, of course. How much we talking? Name your price. Remember what you just gave us to get your daughter? Of course. Double that. Consider it done. Uh, Malchus raises a hand. Perhaps something more symbolic and official than money is the possibility of becoming official charges of Winterhold on the table?

Winterhaven? Winterhaven. Damn it. It's okay, we've only been playing for a couple episodes. Don't worry. It's canon, it's canon. I'm sorry, I'm still wrapping my mind around it. I'm positive something like that could be arranged. If you could take care of this problem for us, I'll begin preparation for a ceremony as soon as you get back. And the money, right? Money. Of course. Okay, good. Let's do this. We're waiting for it. We'll do what we do best for Padraig. Um, Padraig is going to solidly bump fists with the Duncan. It's a manly bump. Duncan nods. Approvingly lowers his fist.

Let's, okay, how about we pick up with you guys making it to this tower? Yeah, I'm down. Yes, you need approval? This is long silence. This is what you want, huh? Is this what you want? Is it not even here? I think so, yeah, that's true. I haven't heard Justin speak in a while. Yeah, I'm here. Okay, that sounded like you're not approving of any of this, but okay. Yeah, I'm just listening to you people. Nah, you guys are having fun, that's good. Jesus. [Laughter] Okay, so let's have the group make it to this tower and find... Duncan rode in on the Drake, by the way.

Duncan rode in on the Drake. Okay. Can we all write, how big is a Drake? This is, it's big enough for like one, maybe two. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, getting to this tower you are going to start exploring the lower portions of it and finding... Actually, everyone do me a favor and roll a perception check. Let's see here, let's see, Treyus, Malkus, and Thoril are all going to notice that there has been activity here recently. That you have, you've kind of stumbled upon something going on here. And it looks to be tiny sets of footprints, like scampering everywhere.

But no obvious direction? It is definitely, they have definitely moved up. There's a very large spiral staircase that encircles this entire floor and it just keeps going up. So it is very clear that these little footprints, and the educated guess would be kobolds, that they have moved up this tower. Malkus kind of motions to it to make sure everyone sees it and then assuming no one resists continuing, he follows the footsteps. Duncan makes a knowing glance towards Thoril like, "Eh? Kobolds." Because he, it's his thing. That's his kink. Thoril's just going to stare a hole into Duncan.

Alright, everyone continuing up the staircase, you are going to start to hear noises. There is definitely activity on the top floor. How would you like to approach this situation? Are you going to try and get the jump on them? Can I run a streetwise check? You want to hear what the word of the street of this tower is? That was the point, yes. I wanted to repeat that so you could hear how silly that sounded. Okay, so where are we at exactly? Like right in front of the door? I would say you're outside of the, there's large double doors, and you're outside of that on the top floor.

I'm going to do, I want to do an arcane check. Okay. On the door. Okay. Alright, I got a 22. Ark, kind of check on the door, you're not picking up anything, it's not mystically booby trapped, you're not picking up anything significantly magical about the door itself. Can someone run a dungeon, yes I should. Hey, let's check for traps. Meek. I can do a dungeoneering check if you'd like. Sure. Why is this all of a sudden awkward? Why did you send a drake in? I love that drake. I'm not sending norm anywhere. Almost grit. Almost grit. 26. Thoril is not seeing where the door is booby trapped in any way, shape, or form, it looks, it looks like it's completely fine to walk through.

Unemated. Should kick this fucker down. Can we, can we listen at the door and see what we hear? Sure, go right ahead. I'll drop a perception. Yeah, three. Someone got the history check on the door. Can I kick this fucker down? Sure can. I want to hear what he perceives first. He didn't perceive shit. With a three, he is going to hear door, essentially. Like this door. Malchus, what are you hearing? He hears the distant for some reason. Malchus steps away and shrugs like he can't hear anything, but he steps back from the door. What does insight do? Remind me. Insight is you're having a conversation with someone and you want to try and gleam like motivation or something like that.

So I can't figure out if the door is lying to me then. You can't set the insight on Malchus to see if he's lying. You come home with lipstick on your handle and you tell me lies. Can I intimidate him? Fucking god, let me put boots on the fucking door. At this point Malchus just gestures to Ironhide and a "be my guest" gesture. Ironhide. Do me a favor, roll an athletics check. I want to warn you guys, my bluff in diplomacy is negative one. Athletics check, yeah? Yes. Noooo. What is athletics? Plus five. Natural thirteen. It's not a natural. Thirteen. So Ironhide is going to put "boot to fucking door" as he put it.

And one half of this door is going to pop open. And it's going to swing open really really wide. Bang against the wall and then start to swing back. But slowly, so while you did the thing you wanted to do and you opened the door, it's just not as badass as it could have been. It's like, blam! It's recorded in Jordan. Yeah. It would have been funnier if we had to roll acrobatics checks to get out of the door's way before it smacked us in the face. Yes, was it closing again? It's just very, it stops about halfway. It's just not as, like both doors didn't open, the one just kind of started to swing back.

But it's open, you can walk right in. It startled the shit out of everybody in the room. Okay, I'm going to go ahead and open the rest of the way. Two. Can Ironhide save a badass by like, just kind of cracking his neck in the doorway? Totally. He just breaks his neck right off. What the fuck, he just killed himself. So I tried to make up for his not being super badass by taking the door open, but I ended up falling. You just fall right down the stairs and hurt yourself? So, let me describe the scene inside. So, inside there's, there's, there's, so instantly it's the door and you're going to see, you're going to see a few kobolds in here and you're going to see this man in kind of decorative robes.

And the door is going to, like, blam! Boot hits door, door swings open, slams against the wall, starts to swing back. Ironhide's just kind of standing there posing. Duncan goes to reach for the door and slips and falls. So that's the first, that is your first impression. So he falls over on a table somehow? That is your first impression. Sounds like a good group one first impression. What's a group one? I don't know what you're talking about. One of one. Yeah. One of one, yes. Can I get up, dust myself off and run an intimidate check? Okay, you're going to take a negative to this intimidate check.

Yes. What's the negative? I would say the negative four. Negative four? I have a plus nine, so that's actually, I can deal with that. Okay. Okay, it's a negative nine. Who are you? What are you doing here? That's what he says. Duncan gets up and growls and goes, "I'm Duncan!" Okay, this guy is going to, like, this guy's going to look to his, this guy's going to look to these kobolds. Kill them. Everyone, here's what we're going to do. Do me a favor, place your characters somewhere in this general vicinity right here on the eastern side of the room. Right next to that kobold.

Melee basic on him. And 18, that's a hit. That is a hit. You are going to take the head clean off this kobold. Oh. Why? Why did you need to roll damage? They're probably not very skilled. They're not skilled laborers. I guess it does it for me. I don't have anything good after that. I'm feeling really bad. I'm not prepared. It's number four's turn now. Thor doesn't have much in the way of anything, and now I'm level one. Well, dude, don't worry. When you level up, you're going to get a plethora of new attacks. Oh, right. Thor seems a little overpowered. I'll never have to use melee basic attack again.

No. Never again. Never again. Let's see here. One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six. That was kobold number one. He just moved up. Ah, Kalarel's turn. What a piece of shit. Look at all these rugs all over the place. I should really do something with the plies. Yeah, it looks like they bought them in bulk. They're all the same kind. Yeah, they don't do anything for the plies either with all that blood. They just went to a Costco. Treyas, your turn. Okay. So, okay, am I dazed or not? No, you're fine. Okay, I'm fine. I stay where I was, right?

I don't get knocked back. No. All right. Let me see. So, how do I play this? Now I'm playing. As far as moving, okay, movement speed. I need to get acquainted with this interface again. Speed five, so five blocks, right? I'm going to do... Heroin. Heroin, yes. Crocodile. Crocodile, your move, DM. Let's see. I'm going to do Blessings of Battle. 19 will hit. Nice. And within five paces of me, I choose... who the hell is this? Thoril for protection. For damage resistance, I mean. One other character in the party who has not been hit. But I am the most weeks lost character right now.

Yes. You are going to straight up murder this Kobold. You are going to smash its head in. All right. Anything else? That is it. Okay, Kobold Cleaver number five. E for six. He's going to make his way up to Trayus, but can't do anything after that. So Kobold Cleaver number two. He's going to make his way up to Trayus and use his short sword. And Critmas. All right. He stabs himself. I haven't got to do this in a while. Here we go. Malchus. And I am Daze, so I can't go anywhere. I'm going to Eldritch Bolt the Cleaver diagonal from Trayus. Okay. Wait, what did... Did I...

Oh, I need to... Oh, I choose the target. That's right. I remember this interface. That's what I just ran into. It's like, oh crap, you mean it actually makes sense now. Holy shit. Are we still doing plus one for speed? Yeah, plus one for speed, which I don't think was introduced in episode one, but whatever. What it is now? That is a hit. Gorgeous. This Eldritch Bolt is going to slam into this Kobold and murder him. Hurrah! I teeter back and forth dizzily and don't have another action. Roll a saving throw for me. Oh, Daze's save ends? Yeah. That's not good. Save does not end.

No, it does not. Tenor over. Duncan, your turn. Hi, I'm Duncan. I am... So when I'm Dazed, I can only do one action, right? So it's move or do something. Right, okay. Then I am going to use... Oh crap, I forgot. I only have one of Majestic Word right now. Oh no, I can do it now. Okay, cool. Then I'm going to use Majestic Word on me. And that is... I get to use a Healing Surge. So I get my Healing Surge plus a 1d6, plus my Charisma modifier. Which, at this point, is 4. So, Healing Surge plus... So I will do that myself. And then I get to... Do a... You do a saving throw, right?

Wasn't that a minor? Oh, I thought that counted. That doesn't count? No, I mean, I think you still get a minor. You only get one of the standard actions. That I will move. So we can move, we can do a minor and a main? No, you can either move or attack, but you still get a minor. Cool. Well, considering I don't have any range, I will move. One, two, three, four... What we're waiting for, I feel like with the addition of us getting minors, there's opportunity there for a callback to the Catholicism joke from a while back. But I'm glassy two years ahead of time, so I'm not going to make that joke.

Miners. Nice. It was big in the news, though. It was. All done, sir? Jarek, your turn. Okay. We should just call him Ironhide. Ironhide, you're right. Sorry. Roll out. Um... I'm going to make a saving throw, so that's just a d20. You're super quiet. Wait, you didn't do the saving throw first? No, I just moved. I didn't see you. I'm sorry, Jarek. 918, on the script. You are no longer dazed. Get that weak shit off of me. Top of the order, Thoril. Ah, hang on. Ha. Sorry. Let's see, so four hasn't been hit, or one... Is that one? Yeah, the one right next to Trace hasn't been hit yet.

We're staring each other down. Okay, so... One, two, three, four, five, six... Well, that's still technically getting... I guess I'll have to go there. I'm distracting him with my flexing. You have an opening. My god, look at those pecs. And then I'll go ahead and just do a melee basic attack. Well, hang on. Did you get combat advantage? No. Like how quickly he was jumping in against his own teammate. No. You should know this by now. Sorry, I forgot. That's a miss. Did you add a plus one for thinking speedy? I did not. That would have been a 16. That'll hit. Sweet. You gotta remember, level one.

But I... Never mind. I was gonna try to... Don't question it, we're winning. Don't question it. Don't question it. 15. That'll murder this Kobold. But we've never had an issue before with not thinking speedy. This is true. Because it is only the first episode. I have a feeling that we could have played all of his other games in like five and a half hours if we would have gone faster. Yeah, he totally got it the first time. Kobold one is going to be a 10. He's gonna be a 10. Yeah, he totally got it the first time. Kobold one is going to move up to Thoril. Short sword attack.

That'll hit. Five damage to Thoril. Jesus. Wait, does his damage resistance still apply? Ooh, yeah. What is that? Negative two? I think so. Three damage. Let's see. Blessings of battle. Damage resistance to old house. No, wait. What the fuck is it? I think so, yeah. Constitution modifier. Okay, your con mod. What is your con mod? Two. Okay. I'll give Thoril back two health. Woohoo! Cat. Kal'Harel's turn. Kal'Harel. Kal'Harel's turn. You guys are fighting Kal'Harel. Wait, is the yellow flood modifier on or not? Ooh. Dan, I forget. Is this the sexy Kobold right here with me? Yes, it is.

Killer. Kal'Harel's turn. He's going to look over the party. And he is going to see that you are cleaving through his cleavers. Ha! Your cleavers are my cleavers. And he says it like that. You're cleaving through my cleavers. And he is going to look specifically at Thoril and Trace. You fools. I thought that was going to be another word coming out, but sure. Me too. We have to edit the edit. This sucks. That would just be idiotic on my part. Actually, that's what I was assuming it was going to be. I wasn't thinking the other one. He is going to use brilliant chains on the two of you here.

So let's see if this hits. That is going to hit Thoril. That is going to hit Trace. So let's see here. So this is going to do damage. That was against your reflex. So you guys are slowed, save ends. So let's do the damage for that. First you are slowed. Damage. 13 damage. Then the chains get to make a secondary attack. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Then the chains get to make a secondary attack. Which will hit. And hit. You have to keep some stuff in mind here, Jason. I know. Trace looks over among his comrades for assistance and he sees Thoril. He is thoroughly, just like, completely shaken because he has never seen Thoril covered in so much blood in his life.

Look at how much pain he is in. We have to put him out of his misery. Actually, damage resistance is a thing. Thoril is down to four hit points and Trace is down to seven. Boy, old habits die hard here. Okay, hold on. Jurekius, your turn. Okay, wait. What do I have on here right now? What status is it? You're slowed. So what does that mean exactly? You can only move half your movement speed. So it's five. Yes, that still works. So I'm going to move two up next to Thoril. I'm going to use healing word. Which is a minor action. I've played a game before. Eleven. There you go.

So Thoril, pop your healing surge plus eleven. That should easily get you back up to... Let's see, down to six. What is my healing surge? Five plus eleven is sixteen. So that will put me up to twenty. I was just saying, looking over the party, two of you are dazed, two of you are bloodied, two of you are slowed. I'm fine. Truly, this is the most precarious bout we will have ever. Yes. Does that heal me at all or am I still down? You're still down. But you still have a standard action. Can I melee the cobalt one here? You sure can. Let's see... Does that count as a standard action blessing of battle?

Does that count? Or do I have to use it to heal? Totally. I'm going to use the healing word. Does that count as a standard action blessing of battle? Does that count? Or do I have to use it to heal? That's at will, so you can use that every turn. Just making sure. I didn't believe you. The effect only happens on hit, right? Or doesn't? It depends on what it says here. Hold on a sec. Oh yeah, it never stipulated. That may be an overstep. I'm going to put the damage resistance on myself this time. Good point. Excellent. Malchus. Okay. Do I have a line of effect to the cobalt fighting Thoril?

Yeah. Okay. I guess it's going to be... This day's business ain't no fun, so another Eldritch Bolt from my current position. Who hurt him? That guy, plus one. Roll. That is a hit. Yay! That is another dead cobalt. As a matter of fact, Kalarel is the only other person in this room. I am an extremely helpful party member. I will now roll to see if I shed the dicks. Yes. You said shed the dicks. Dicks will be... Dicks will be shed. Sadly, no. Duncan, your turn. Okay. Did you roll a saving throw last time? Yeah, I did. I am going to use malevolent mischief on Kal-el. Cowboy.

I forgot, this is episode one. I don't want to upgrade that. Sorry, I got a thing on my computer. Okay, so let's try this out here. Boom. Roll. Hit! Nice. That is a hit. Alright. Now I'm going to do damage on him. Roll it. 22. Also, he is targeted by ill... he is affected by ill luck. So he's slowed until the end of its next turn. Okay. Whenever someone hits him with an attack. So not just now, but if he ever gets hit, he gets slowed again. Okay, very cool. So there you go. And saving throw. 13. I did. Ironhide, your turn. Alright. I'm going to have to go for... Move up here.

Right into the blood. Now I'm going to use whirlwind blade. I'm going to attack him. Hit. That will hit. That's good. 18. Roll. 13 damage. I like how that was. Anything else? Burst 2. I could use a G as an assault, but it would fail. It's a burst 2. Well, not just that. He's not... Don't worry about it. I'm going to use action point and use lightning alone. Okay. That'll hit. Drag him right up to you. Hey, baby. I'm going to do the damage of 8. Oh, I bladed. By myself. As a result of being bloodied. In the blood. Kalarel is going to use something called blood spike. And he is going to stab himself in the hand.

And then he dies. Let's see here if this hits. That'll hit. He's going to reach out and touch Ironhide's chest. And this black, this hellish black iron spike is going to erupt from the floor and strike Ironhide. Wow. He now has Hep C. That's not a thing. 15 damage to Ironhide. And Ironhide is immobilized savings. Not that it really matters. I don't think he's trying to move away. I want to be all up in that. Okay. Ironhide is effectively all up in that. Thoril, your turn. I'm just slowed, right? That'd be half. Alright, let me make sure I can still move. Okay, cool.

So I'll just move the two spots up here. And I guess melee basic attack. Thoril is almost, he's almost, like, he almost gets combat advantage. He's almost always wearing a sun glass. I could get combat advantage. I don't want him swinging at me though. That's not in a particular place I want to do that. Someone heals me next turn. Ah, versus AC is a miss. Damn. Ah, that'll miss. Maybe if combat advantage was... [Laughter] Anything else? No, I consider heroic effort, but I bet you his AC is a bit higher than the Kobold's, so... He's a niche. Uhhhh... Nah, I'll wait.

If I get, like, a 14 or something like that, I'll do it. Okay. Ah, Kal'Arel's turn. Plus he's busy with you. True, he's all touching my chest and shit with his bloody hands. [Laughter] Umm... Okay, he's gonna use Thunderous Blast. Well, I'm dead. But I'm not, uh... That's not how it ends. This time he's gonna use it against Thor. Cool. This'll be Thunderous Blast. Knock him into the blood. Oh. That'll miss. Never mind. Don't even worry about it. Before Thor's turn of events. God. Ah, Charyus! I'm going to use... Right next to him, he can't even hit me with Thunder. Okay, I'm gonna use Sunburst, which is...

Oh wait, no hit. The effect... apparently it's an attack too, I think, but... The effect is that you and each ally within five squares of you gain five temporary hit points and can make a saving throw. I can use that. So, do we just do it now then? Or do I have to do the damage first? Or attack? Probably. Probably the attack first, yeah. Do I just get this thing? I want it now. Okay. Whoa! That'll hit. Oh, there's radiant damage apparently. Radiation damage, isn't it? Wait, hold on. There's no... Yep, radiant damage. Okay. Same thing as the other one? Nah. Yeah, the exact same thing.

Cool. Eleven damage. Anything else, sir? I guess we all make our saving throws now? Oh, yes, please do. Yeah, Thor will go ahead and roll a saving throw too. Hang on. And Justin too, right? Not yet. Okay. He just got hit. I'm saved. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I do have to do my saving throw, right? You didn't have a turn yet. Oh, I thought that's what the ability did. Yeah, that's what my ability does. Oh! I mean, I missed it already, so it doesn't matter, but still. Yeah, each ally within five squares of me gets five temporary hit points and can make a saving throw. Ooh, okay.

That's a bit of a hit point. Not to mention how to forget to do mine at the end of mine anyway. Yeah, so, okay, you are saved. Go ahead, that's the end of your turn, Trace. Go ahead and roll a saving throw. Four. Ah. Okay, let's start. Malkus. Okay. Let's see, is he still within ten spaces? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Looks like he is. I mean, if I'm just going to stand here dazed, I may as well keep firing from the hip. You haven't missed yet. It's worked so far. Let's see, I click him and I click the plus and I go and I whiff. And I attempt a saving throw to shed this terrible fate.

Still dazed. Oh, come on. No. Come on. That was not your turn. Duncan. All right. I'm going to move a little bit closer. Two, three, two. I like to believe that his Eldritch Bolso he were doing was just pure luck that he managed to hit while he was like stumbling around. There you go. It's a comedy of errors over here. Okay. And I'm going to do Vicious Mockery. Is that questionable? Vicious Mockery? I think. As he attempts to talk trash and fails. Your mother is so fat? Your mother is a bitch? No, I am doing Vicious Mockery. She's a classy lady. And my Mockery will be, I will sing the current pink hit, "Blow Me One Last Kiss." And I am, God, you were looking for any excuse to shoehorn that.

I'm mocking him. Right. I missed. Oh, plus one for Speedy. Against his will? Yes. Okay. Then Duncan cries. And the end. Because the song made him sad. That's my minor action. I weep while the song plays. There's a record scratch and Duncan's like, "Oh, okay." Do I have to roll as a minor or is it cool? No, no, you're fine. You can weep over it. But Duncan's going to find out that fighting a blood mage isn't all it's cracked up to be. Ironhide, your turn. I just like, in Kalarau's eyes, Duncan has done nothing to intimidate him. He hit him for 22 damage. That's pretty good.

Did he? Yeah. Never mind. Busted his lip. Yep, you're right. Never mind. I only used Wharf Forge Resolve. I'm not going to do the temp hit points because that doesn't make any sense. I already have five. But I am going to get three regular hit points. Because I'm bloodied. Very nice. With his blood. Very nice. I'm going to use Green Flame Blade on Kalarau. Please hit. Hit. That will totally hit. I can't believe this. And he's dead with nine damage. Nine damage. Thoril, you're dead. My time. Shift at least. Thoril's really gunning for the notable kill here. Can I shift? Yes.

I need to save my roll. Shift. Go ahead and save. I saved. Oh, you are saved. Thank you Jesus. You're no longer immobilized. Go ahead Thoril. Perfect timing. Melee basic attack. With the plus one for being, for the combat advantage. That's two. Oh. Okay. Plus two for combat advantage. Twenty. Natural five. That is a hit. Damage. Wait, no. Power strike. It will give me an extra D10 for this. Immediate interrupt. Oh shit, you got to. Oh no. Shit, you got to. He's going to use deflecting shield and gain a plus four bonus to, gains a plus four bonus to the defense targeted by the triggering attack until the end of the mages next turn.

So he's going to get a plus four to his ace age. Wow. That is good. That's going to put him outside of range so that attack is a miss. Can I use heroic effort since that's actually a miss? You sure can. And I'll do my plus four. Fuck his shit. Get the shit out of here. You're still going to take the goddamn damage. Get back here. Alright. Shit, I don't know how to use power strike with this. Should I just roll the regular damage and then roll another extra? Yeah. Alright. Thirteen. Thirteen and then an extra D10. Two. Get it boy. Two damage. And then of course I come back with my other one, my off hands.

Okay. And that'll be a 12. Damn. Oof. That sucks. Damn. You done? Yeah, I guess. Oh, Kalarel's turn. He's focused on me now. Oh shit, I forgot I had a goddamn action point. I forgot about action points. Shit. Would you like to pop an action point? I think I'll pop an action point. I don't want any of what he's going to try to do to me if he's still alive. Please, please, please, please. Twenty-three. Hold on a sec. Plus four. That'll still hit his AC. Alright. And the damage fifteen. That will kill Kalarel. Yeah. Thanks. And there was much rejoicing. And the crowd goes wild.

That kill sure is notable. Truly, this will be referenced in our further adventures for ages to come. The oil got his first notable kill. What's a notable kill? I don't know. There's going to be a minotaur that comes along and it'll tell you all about it. You guys have murdered this blood mage. You have successfully stopped his plans of opening the Shadowfell Rift. And you are pretty much wrapped up here. You can go right back to Winterhaven if you like. I thought it would be funny if you said you stopped him from opening an Applebee's in this location. And congratulations.

No more diarrhea for anyone. It wasn't like he was a child sex ring or something like that. Unfortunately. I'd like to search his body. Go right ahead. Okay. He was packing 50 gold on him. Okay. Awesome. And magical implement-wise, he was carrying a quarterstaff. I'll take that. Okay. Oh, the quarterstaff part? Can I do something real quick with him? With his body? Can I touch him? Alright, but the rest of you have to leave the room. I can't do it when you're watching. I want to rip a part of his shirt off. Okay. Because I want to wipe away the blood that he fucking put on my chest.

Oh, okay. Jason, I'd like to keep that quarterstaff forever. I'd like to put it in my pocket. Absolutely. You can do that. 90 episodes later, it shows back up. It's like I buried treasure. It's a time capsule. Probably what's going to happen is it broke on the fall. I'm going to take this to my grave. You said that out loud? Yeah, he holds it above his head. Eerily determined like that. Everyone's like, "Alright, dude, that's weird." It's creepy, but... Back at Winterhaven. Back at Winterhaven, Lord Patric is going to congratulate you guys on a fantastic job done.

He is immensely proud of all of you. You have stopped what could have been a major source of issues for them. Hopefully this is going to kick off a long, prosperous bout of peace for the people of Winterhaven. I can't imagine why not. In honor of that success, you are all to be knighted. Yay! Oh, yeah. He is going to ask that each one of you kneel down. There's this large ceremony in the town square. Part of it is that everyone kneel down and he's going to take his sword and tap you each on the shoulder. It's like, "Oh, Jerrick Ironhide." He's going to make this official.

You will all be knights of Winterhaven. What about Norm? We'll get to Norm. So he's going to go down the line here and dunk in Joybatam. You are now officially a knight of Winterhaven. You always uphold duty and honor. He's going to go down the line. Same thing for Malchus Grimness. Same thing for Jerrick Ironhide. As he gets to Thoril, Norm is going to perceive this as an attack against his current master. Norm is going to charge the gates of Winterhaven and start attacking, making a beeline for the ceremony. Oh, no! Not killing, but just knocking people around with his tail and smashing carts.

Picture the biggest, clumsiest dog. Duncan holds up his hand and says, "No! Stop, Norm!" Roll a diplomacy check. He bursts in and everyone goes, "Norm!" "I got a 10." That's not going to do it. Will there be a nature check? You're screaming at it. I got a 19 on a nature check. Duncan's going to stand up and shout, "No!" That's not going to do it. That's not going to communicate the message effectively to Norm. Norm's going to continue to wreck house. The biggest, clumsiest dog you've ever seen. Wrecking house all the way to this ceremony. He's usually really good with guests.

I don't know what's going on right now. And specifically make a beeline towards Page Rig. He's going to make an attack. Crits that kills him, right? Jesus Christ. This tale is going to slam Page Rig in the chest and knock him off the stage backwards. He's going to careen backwards off the stage. It's going to hurt him quite a bit. And then Norm is going to sidle up right next to Thoril in sort of defensive posture and make sure that no one else can touch him. Can I pick? I just imagine him hitting the ground and flying like a ninja star. Just keeps rolling and shit like that.

Can I help him up, Page Rig? Yeah, please do. Well, can I make a diplomacy check? To Page Rig? Yes, because I have something to say. Sure. It's negative one. Okay, well I'm going to say it and then... Iron High's a negative one in diplomacy? That's crazy. I don't know. He came back wrong, I guess. In this character sheet. Okay, he's going to say, "We're going to need an HQ, by the way." 15. Pretty good roll, actually. It's not terrible. Page Rig's going to get up holding his arm. He gets knocked out of Jerick's leg. "By the way, we're going to need a place to live." Page Rig's going to look to Jerick.

Not necessarily angry, but that's not really the issue here. Page Rig's going to look at Thoril. "Is this your animal?" Possibly. Page Rig's going to look over Winterhaven and see the destruction this beast has caused. And he's going to tell his guards to hold off just for a minute. "Do you have control of it?" I believe I do now. At the time, I obviously couldn't have control of it. In all technicality, yeah, I can have control of it. I didn't tell him to do this. I swear. Roll a diplomacy check for me, please. Ah, fuckberries. I like to think he actually does see that in character.

You had it too, and then your -1 diplomacy really got a hold of that. It's hard to lessen. Page Rig's going to narrow his eyes at Thoril. "Get out of this city and take that drake with you before he does any more damage." And he's going to look to the rest of the party. "Did you know he had this thing?" Is that a bluff check? I'm just going to look away. No, I didn't know. Who's this guy? That's actually quite a good bluff. Everyone in the group starts whistling. Who's this guy? Page Rig's going to look to Malchus. "What about you?" "We certainly knew it was present.

We didn't know it was this rambunctious." "We? What are you talking about?" Duncan just starts walking away. "I have no idea." "I'm going to go to the tavern. I'll be playing a set there tonight. I'll see you guys later." Page Rig's going to look over to Trace. "What about you?" I'm going to roll a diplomacy check. "Okay." "Here we go. 16." "Okay. What does Trace say?" "Trey will roll a team here, and if you really want to count it as such, the drake did play an integral role in bringing your daughter back alive in one piece." "Would that be a bluff?" "That's a good angle.

That's a real good angle. I like that." "That's actually quite a good angle." "16." Page Rig's going to look to Trace. "While I very much appreciate what you've done for me and my daughter and the city, we can't have that thing running around, and it was incredibly reckless to have it even near this place. Do you realize how many people it could have killed?" "Look at it, sir. It appears to be not at all floodthirsty at all. I may be a little bit drunk. I'm not going to lie. Just a little bit." "Let's focus on getting it out of the city, then." "I think it was only defensive because it believed that you drawing your sword on me was considered an attack.

It's not something that it's going to do all the time." "Roll a diplomacy check." "17." "Not bad. All the same, I would feel much safer if you just got it out of the city, please." "Yeah, Thoril will just immediately turn face with the drake and just start walking it out of the city." "Norman's just going to kind of scamper along with it. I did a good thing." "It's a little hop thing that dogs do when they're walking around and shit." "Okay, so here's what happens. They're starting to walk away and Trillius takes out his little bottle, blisters to his lips, thinks for a moment, then stops." "Walks back over to the mayor and then he gives him a thoughtful glance and he just ushers him aside and says, 'Look, from old man to old man, it appears that our more rambunctious fellow there with the drake has something about him that your daughter fancies.'" "Can't you take it easy on us just for a little bit, if only for the future?" "Is that supposed to convince him to?" "No, it's not." "Okay, I was about to say!" "I don't know if you've ever spoken to a dad before about your daughter." "No, it's not." "Listen, I know he looks like a bad kid, but your daughter really likes him." "Sir, I can attest for his character, I'm a war priest.

I'm a man of a dog." "Sir." "Paedraeg is going to... So, okay, I would imagine Trillius is just like you've pulled him aside." "Yes. I'm coming from a position of like, I know what's best and I'm sort of talking to him like, 'Oh hey, we're on equal ground, that thing totally did not just happen here.'" "And he's also drunk, it sounds like." "You can smell the liquor on my breath as I'm just getting close to him, like, 'Oh hey, how's it going, man?' "I'm just like breathing." "I'm like touching him, I'm trying to touch him on his shoulder, but it's getting a little bit too close within his comfort zone, so it's coming off as kind of like a bit repugnant as well." "Right.

Paedraeg's going to withdraw. Just stand up straight, like he kind of hunches down, like he's a little taller than Dre, so he hunches down." "And he's going to like listen in, like, 'Oh man, he's got some, he's got a secret.' And then he kind of like recoil stands up, he's like, 'This motherfucker, like are you serious? Are you drunk right now?' "Like he's very, just very, like all of that is terrible information." "And then he's going to look over to Talia. Then he's going to pull two guards over." "Make sure the one with the drake does not come back.

And I'd like this man escorted out of the city immediately, please." "And unless you resist..." "I'll go fight. I will go fight." "He challenges Paedraeg to a fight." "These two guards are going to escort, they're going to escort Trheus out of the city, and they're going to inform the guards at the gates that neither of these two are to be allowed back in." "I don't know if, I don't know if either the party or Thoril would have a reaction to that." "I imagine like they're all just sitting there and you just go, 'Are you fucking kidding me? I saved this goddamn city.'" [Laughter] "I will find him." "So, I imagine Ironhide and Malkus are kind of sitting there dumbfounded, and Duncan comes back out of the tavern and goes up to him and goes, 'Hey, where'd our buddies go?'" "Anybody?

Anybody?" "So what does happen to him though, if he's stuck behind? How does he get out of there?" "I'm asking where they went." "I'm in the middle of roleplay here, buddy. Come on." "So technically you're still in town, right? Everybody got escorted out?" "It was Malkus and Ironhide, yeah." "Oh right, okay." "It's just Thoril and Trheus that got escorted out." "Get them the fuck out of here." "So I go over to Malkus and Ironhide and I ask what happened." "Uh, just, they got thrown out because of the friggin' Drake." "Norm?" "Oh yeah." "You know what guys?

We should become a group. An adventuring group. What do you say?" "Too early to tell." "We should try to get that Thoril back. I don't know about that Trheus guy, but Thoril..." "He's kind of a drunk." "As a quick aside, just because of the shit that ends up happening in later episodes, I feel like this is like Thoril's ultimate revenge for getting kicked out of the city." "What, the potential of knocking up this guy's daughter?" "It's like, imagine, yeah, just something like that." "Let's not try to get them forgiven right this moment while tempers are still hot." "There's not going to be any defending this to Lord Page Drake while he's still infuriated.

And rightly so." "So what you're saying is, we chill out in town, we be knights for a little bit, and I become a music rock superstar. Is that what you're saying?" "Sure, like two thirds of that sounds delightful." "Umm, Ironhide's going to still be looking down the street at different buildings, checking them out, like, just, his eyes just eyeing him up, like, 'that could be a good HQ.'" "And he's just like, 'yeah, yeah, yeah, he's going to wave them all and say, 'this tour will be fine, don't worry about it.'" "Just kick anybody out those in there." "It's not like we were friends or anything." "There were two dudes, one's a drunk and the other's..." "We just got thrown together, yeah, whatever." "Let's see, is Thoril kind of just waiting beyond the gate? Like, is he just outside of the city?" "I would imagine, like, Trace is breaking the news to him, it's like..." "Imagine, imagine it's the thing I'm just outside of the gate yelling at the guards.

Just cursing them out." "Malchus will walk up to Thoril and kind of encourage him to back away from the guards so they can talk further away from the city." "Yeah, I'll do that. And then Thoril just sort of keeps on walking a little bit further." "Okay. Malchus says, 'you know the Drake is going to have to go. Lord Pedro Exano will demand it.'" "Fine, I don't see why he has to go, but..." "Do you want to belong to this society or not?" "What the hell is that supposed to mean? I belong to this society, the Drake was just sitting here protecting me." "Because all of a sudden I have a Drake?

I'm just a menace to society with a wild animal?" "Malchus kind of sighs and closes his eyes for a moment and says, 'What I'm saying is, if you're going to be part of Winterhaven, you may need to make some sacrifices to fit in. It's a practice I know all too well.'" "Ugh, Malchus." "So..." "As a minor action I roll my eyes. As a minor action I don't apologize for adding some sincere human drama to this episode." "Wow! But you're Tiefling, you can't add human drama." "Oh! Oh! Oh!" "I hear him as racist. We got a lot going on in this episode." "The refreshing breeze of bigotry just flows to my head." "Hope that won't be a reoccurring thing." "I like how the two people that mostly cause drama in the future episodes didn't cause any in this part of the episode." "It's called narrative contrast, Ironhide." "I can't hear you, you're out of town." "See that the drake ends up somewhere away, safe.

We'll talk to Lord Padraic when his temper's cooled." "Alright, I'll take him out somewhere, I'll find a nice pasture for him to fly about in and yeah, we'll reconnect at some point later on." "It's for the best." "Alright." "I think that's a good time for us to wrap things up." "Oh right, when are we playing again?" "Um, three days." "We should do like the lost episodes, like the electric continues."