The Tournament of Champions

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Guys, we're almost fucking ready to start. How about that? How about those beans, huh? Woo! And Jay's gotta go. -Not yet. -I know. -We haven't started yet. -I know. Once we start. Yeah, yep. Soon as you put your flag down in this land, I'm gonna pull it right back up. That's fine, we'll kill time with something else. Okay, guys, let me tell you what's gonna be happening today. Okay. So, you guys remember what happened last time, or you need me to refresh your memory? -We stabbed some people, right? -You stabbed some elves. -We intimidated a child. -We intimidated the elves.

We intimidated the hell out of a child. You guys threatened the shit out of a child. [laughing] That was fun. [laughing] You may run into him sometime in the future. Um... Yeah, little Fenway ran back into the forest, and you guys haven't seen him since. Um... There they are, get 'em. -As a result... -See, the one thing I don't like is I feel like this is gonna be Justin's way of... like, telling him, like, "This is gonna be Justin's 'I told you so' moment." 'Cause I can't remember if he was the one who told us to just straight up kill him. -No, I didn't say that, did you?

-That was me, at one point. Oh, that was okay. I just assumed it was Justin. I asked you guys and no one answered. I listened to that today. I asked you guys if we should just kill him, and no one answered me, so I go... And then Jason was like, "He's just a kid." And I was like, "Okay, let's not." I'm actually pretty nice in this game. -I just hate your children. -You hate your children. [laughing] Well, that wasn't actually in the game. That was a side note. I thought that was your canon. I thought that was... Oh, by the way... Just to get my children back.

"Oh, hey, how's your children doing?" I ate them. -Well, you got them back. -Oh. So, okay. This is... So, this is a few weeks later. You guys have all settled into Overdale, not just Thorol and Tracius. You all have come back. Of course, the mayor of Overdale has been extremely pleased to have you guys aboard. Not only did you take care of the vampires, and then a day later you took care of the rabid elves, kind of ravaging the countryside and stuff. You've been nothing but a great investment to them. And he's hoping that today you guys are really gonna help him out because it is time for the Tournament of Champions, which is a yearly event that takes place in Overdale.

Well, it's kind of this... This country's version of the Olympics, which is a touring event that every year takes place in a new city, and this time it's taken place in Overdale. And people from miles around come and spend tons of money. And it's a great boon both from tourism and gambling. I'm assuming he wants me to perform at the opening ceremonies. -Hehe. -You will, in a sense. I don't know if you're gonna cut this or not, but I know this will make specifically Dan happy to know that the ACW thing, our yearly WrestleMania-type event, Tournament of Champions.

-Yes! -Nice. Why would I cut that? That's fantastic. Didn't you have one champion? Did you have one? We had two. We had a secondary champion. -OK, so it was a Tournament of Champions. -Eventually. -Plural. -But it was a Tournament to Crown the main champion. Ah, OK. Do you guys remember your stable that you lived in? -No. -Your little... -No. -I thought you meant what name we gave it. No, no, no. You guys don't have a name for your Adventurer's Guild. -You've never really come up with one. -No, I mean the build. -I thought we did it one point. -We just... You guys have come up with like ten of them, and it's been cycling in and out.

But the converted horse stable you guys have been living in, is everyone loaded up and you're in the thing now? -I'm getting there. -Yeah. OK, I'll wait. I'm still seeing the big loading box, if that's what you're asking. Why is that? You might want to close it out and reopen it. -OK. -That actually is a grand idea. -Because my loading box disappeared. -You guys, I can see everything. So, the Winterhaven crew has elected me to... Who? Treyas? Is that Tyler's character? Treyas? -Thoril? -Thoril? Hey, Thoril, I'm going to pull Thoril aside real quick. Is that all right?

-So, Thoril. -Yeah? So, since we're best friends, they thought that I was the best person to approach you about this. What are those bite marks on your neck? -Wait, what? -Because of vampires? -What are those bite marks on your neck? -Oh, right. Because we split up and we came back and now you have bite marks on your neck. We've been trying to figure it out. I'd appreciate it if you told us why you have bite marks on your neck. I have not forgotten about that. After the housing situation, that's something I gotta talk to you guys about. Oh, no. You really didn't think I was going to forget about possible vampirism?

So, is Thoril just backing off? He doesn't want to talk? Mostly because I was too busy actually getting taken over last time we were fighting. I can't. I'm a robo. You weren't there. -That's true. -Even if I was not devouring my children, when I found them, I would still probably knock up it. -Mongolus. -Let me know when everybody's back in. I'm in. That is loud. I think Rob's still reloading. Yeah. Is that still giving you trouble? Now I'm having trouble even getting back in here. Hold on, let's just delete everything and start from scratch here. It's never a clean start when we do this, is it?

I know, right? Oh, technology, you so crazy. My Insight, my... Oh, shit. My Passive Insight's 16! I can see everything! So, you know, another thing I was thinking about, guys, I think... What's his name? What's that guy? You know, the gay guy? The pedophile? What's his name? -Ian. -Ian, yeah. I think he poisoned the well. I'm just saying. I'm going to throw that out there right now. Let's go ask him. Let's do it. Let's approach it. What were you doing before? "Poisoning the well." So if you guys had taken some of the thunder with just Treyas and with just Treyas and Thoril and the new group, you guys took some of his steam.

After the whole Elven thing, you guys really made him look like a clown because he took a bunch of his good men, like his best guys, into the forest, fully expecting to come out, you know, the towering champion. And you guys basically took a back route, not only found out the source of everything that was happening and fixed it, and beat him back to town to tell the mayor all about it. So he is not fucking pleased with you guys at all. Like, he's just not, you know... You're making him not only look less like the hero of the town, he's also looking more and more obsolete.

Basically, all he's left to do right now is kind of police, you know, just day-to-day policing of people, you know, making sure, you know, a fistfight at a bar gets taken care of, you know, just regular old stuff around town. It's a big town, so... Okay, so, before we talk about the Tournament of Champions, before we talk about Tyler's potential vampirism, what we're going to talk about first is your stable, the thing you've been living in. In the three weeks that you guys have officially all been there, Justin, Dan and... Who the hell else was... Justin, Dan and Rob helped pitch in and we got stuff rolling, especially after you guys came back with those gems and...

- Montage. - Did a little montage and... - And I can hear myself. - Sorry, hold on. I'll fix that. Is it better? I just need to have it off the phones for just a second. Okay. There we go. I don't hear myself right now. - Me neither. - Okay. - And... this is what it looks like now. - I don't know what to add. So, you guys got a respectable little guild headquarters. We own a bar, guys. You guys live in Cheers. But you guys got a respectable little place... It looks like a prison. Are we seeing the same thing? - I don't think we are. - No. - Prison? - I'm looking at McLarens.

- It looks like a... - I have the most health out of everyone. Awesome. What are you seeing, Dan? It looks like there's a rectangle with five boxes. And three guys in the middle. - Yeah, okay. Now, next to that... - That was the older one. Oh, I have to zoom out. - Is that possible? - A little bit. - When I hit zoom, it switched. - Okay. - So, there we go. - So, now you're looking at a little... There you go. That's better. You fixed it up. It's not drafty and shitty anymore. - Yes, no draft. - Okay. Let me explain what the Tournament of Champions is officially. Because I got in the middle of the explanation and everyone's scattered like roaches.

So... The Tournament of Champions takes place once a year. And it's a four-round tournament. Basically, each big city kind of gets together and has a group or guild of adventurers that kind of tackles the four tiers of challenges. Now, while you're competing, simultaneously... Well, I mean, story-wise, everyone else will be competing too. Including Ian and his men. And that's kind of the insistence of him, because the mayor just kind of wanted you guys to do it, but he's insistent on it. He's like, "No, I'm gonna make you proud. "And I'll take four of my best men and we'll..." - So...

- "Make you proud, Dad." You guys can stop at any time. But if you complete all four tiers, which, by the way, get increasingly more difficult, what happens is... Every city is in different regions, so people will bring in beasts from far and wide and all kinds of cool stuff, and they always mix it up every year. So it's... I mean, you could be fighting elephants or you could be fighting all kinds of stuff. So you gotta be prepared for anything. And you gotta participate in at least tier one. But after each tier, you guys get an allotment of money. And you'll be told what?

I'm not gonna tell you what you're gonna be fighting until you either accept or decline. But if you get all the way to the end, again, you'll definitely be leveling up and you'll be paid handsomely. - Question. - Yes. Dude, like, fighting to the "death", does that just get us dragged off the field and taken to the infirmary, or can we actually die in this? You can actually die in this. Okay, so it is a sport. Picture Roman Colosseum Bloodsport, yes. Okay. This is huge, and there's a great deal of honor on the line. Like, it's a great... Like, it's a huge thing to be crowned in the Tournament of Champions.

It's a huge deal. If you can make it all the way to the end and survive, that's, you know... You guys are fighting for Overdale at this point. This is a huge thing. And this will open a lot of doors for you, adventuring-wise. I feel like our team's motto is "Death before Dishonor". I feel like that's... I mean, I don't want to speak for us before we get to the, you know, between the fights here, but... Come on, we're not gonna walk away. [LAUGHTER] - Who's beat yourself up? - I'm a bard. I'm about peace. Yeah, I'm a champ. The other thing is, like, now, there's a few things on the line.

You're gonna let Ian show you up and... 'Cause if he makes it further than you... Well, that's a good thing, isn't it? That's like a one-sided rivalry, though, 'cause we're just trying to get our money due, and he's just, I don't know... - You think it's bad. - Well, you're... Well, isn't that a good thing if he wins? Well, I mean, it's a good thing. It's a good thing for either one of you to win, but, I mean, for him to win... He's doing it to spite you. You guys are just looking for... Yeah, but it's also, like, there's more things that... of good that come out of it, like, the people have faith in it.

Right, but I'm saying... He's our Harvey Dent, essentially. - Yeah. - You know what I'm saying? What I'm saying is, you guys are looking for success for success' sake. What it does as a result, there's a byproduct of that, of your... Like, it's getting under his skin. You're spiting him by accident, almost. It's not like you are intentionally like, "Fuck that guy. "You didn't come to town to intentionally screw this guy over." It's just, you know... You guys, I think I have an even better way to get under his skin, okay? We get through the second round, and then we just come up to him and be like, "Oh, Ian, we're so tired.

We're gonna back out, okay, man? "We're just gonna intentionally throw it, "'cause he's all hyped up to beat us legitimately." So if we throw it halfway through... - So it's a good plan. - Nothing? Nothing? Oh, my God, with silence. I feel like that would totally piss him off, 'cause he wants to show us up in front of everybody. So there's this money. I think he's slimy. I think he'll talk about how big of pussies we are and stuff like that. Yeah, really. He's not just gonna say, like, "Yeah, they just backed out. It was weird." - Huh. - Gonna say, "Hey, this...

"And what are we gonna be able to say? Well, I guess we'll just... "Whatever then. I won't tell." He's "Winter Haven." "Can't take it up here." That's what he'll say. Just stop it. Down here. Technically, Winter Haven is in the north. - Down here. - That's what I was gonna say. All right, I misinterpreted his childishness. I will... All right. - I'm backing... - This guy calls pussies, all right? Well, the guy, it's not like he's necessarily childish by nature, but he's just looking to... He wants to look better than you at any cost at this point. - Just, you know...

- He's gonna call his young pussy. - He's got... - Pussies. Look, you don't know, this guy could have a family. - He could have kids, mouthfeed. - He doesn't. You're coming in and taking his job. - He's a pedophile. - Yeah, well, he doesn't. He does not have a wife or children. He is Bachelor extraordinaire. It makes it seem a little bit worse, 'cause he's probably sitting there in a bar or something that winter heat and he's coming into my place, taking my job. He took my germs. Actually, let me show you where you guys are going to be fighting today. Woo-hoo!

Yeah. My God, it's a giant loading screen. You guys really shouldn't be seeing anything just yet. - I don't see anything. - Good, okay. I see a rainbow. - Okay, then. - I see a light. I see a rainbow and I see a plank that says, "Welcome to hell." I assume this is wave four. Let's see here, let me see. Just making sure. My name is Waveback. I'm trying to get this to load properly. So, the structure you guys are going to be fighting in is called the pit. Your standard to the death... Your standard to the death structure. Thank you, thank you. I love that. Just your standard to the death structure.

It is. It's basically just kind of you and whatever is going to be unleashed upon you. Now, like I said, each round is going to get progressively difficult. Your first one is just going to be... Again, right now, for those of you who can't see it, it's a very large, almost dome-like structure. And just picture just thousands of people positioned around this. Kind of a Roman Colosseum deal. In the center of it, there's this large grate that just kind of drops off. And there's obviously things being kept down, like kind of a dungeon setting, something like that.

But it's mostly for the blood to drain off into that... It's this large stone thing. No sand or dirt or anything like that. Towards the edge of the walls. And the walls are high enough that you can't jump out. Once you kind of drop in, like a ladder or something will be lowered in and you guys can get in. But it's made so that you can't run away. Once you're in combat, you're in combat. You either win or you're dead. Right. Exactly. Once you're in there, there's a large gate on the opposite side that'll open and let loose whatever you guys are going to be fighting.

So if you guys just want to place your characters over towards the bottom here... Everything should be ready to go for each one of them. All your new gear. Bottom. Okay. Oh. Two. Now, if you survive the first wave, what you're going to be getting is 500 gold pieces to split. Ooh. - Not incredible? - No, it isn't. Not incredible, but it's the first wave. It's kind of the warm-up. It's your tune-up game. It's open season. So would you guys like to be know... Would you like to be know... Again, if I get in... [LAUGHS] Would you like to know what you'll be fighting for the first wave?

- Okay. - Fuck it. You'll be fighting six hungry wolves. Wolves. Maybe one of them will bite Tyler. So right now, you're kicking things off around noon. So the sun's real high. It's hot as shit. You guys are getting things kicked off. We're going to be talking about Tyler's bite wounds soon enough. He's dead because it's sunlight. Because they're starting to look infected. And you really didn't think too much of it at first. Put some alcohol on it. What the fuck? Well, I guess if we've been talking about it, we just haven't brought it up to him. Right, you're going to have to have a conversation.

Is he wearing a colorful scarf to, like, disguise it? Well, he's got his armor on and everything, so, I mean, it's just above where his armor cuts off, obviously, because that's where, you know, vampire wasn't going to bite through armor. But I don't like being in a group. I don't like having bite marks and being in a group that's very quick to kill things. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I ate my children. Hey there, Mr. Judgey. Calm down. I think you're the killer here. I don't like being in a group with a potential vampire who can kill me with two hits. Oh, God, what he did to Justin.

Did a nice job on that fucking maze. [LAUGHTER] Boom, boom. Oh, my. I wish Rob could have heard that. I never. I got to send that to Rob one day, because that was just the funniest thing, where it's like, "Ah, shit." He just turns around and smacks Justin, like, one time with an axe, and he's just down. My flank. Uh, so, Thoril's kind of been noticing where the sun seems a lot brighter and harsher, and he's just... It's not burning or anything, but it's just... He seems very uncomfortable in the daylight. Can't concentrate, can't... You know, it's... And there's this black...

I'm in real life. Well, anyone who works night jobs for a long period of time. There's kind of a black spider webbing. You can see where the bites look infected and kind of dried out. Iron Man 2. Yeah, think Iron Man 2. It's all digital. So, you guys should roll initiative for these hungry wolves. (HUMMING) Yeah. Get them dice up here. Let's add the party. (HUMMING) Here we go. 18. Uh, let's see here. You... Okay, fuck! -Took a lot of load over here. -Didn't happen. That seven didn't happen. 26! You have plus six? Yeah. -Cut! -What? (LAUGHING) You're a vampire cunt. Why are you mad at him for...

Because he's a vampire. Kill him. -He's on your side. -See? -He steals blood. -You're right. I got at least two people on my team who are very, very willing to kill me. Why can't I fucking ever roll initiative well? -I always... -Mine was actually 19. -Hey, we both have sevens. -You got a seven. -Both fucking worthless. -Yeah, we always roll shitty initiative. And I'm supposed to be up top taking... Well, I'm supposed to be given damage. I'm not supposed to give up, though. 18 and Justin got a seven. Okay, wow, that's not great. -Actually got 19. -Let them come to us.

-And we'll get them. -Waste their actions getting down here. -Yeah. -Uh, it says you got 18. I didn't add the one. -Oh, okay, that's fine. -Yeah, I forgot. -Okay, 19. -All right, so why don't we just save our turns until they come down to us and then we just wrap them to parts? -To parts, yes. -Into multiple chapters, eh? Oi. 'Cause English is what I'm strength at. Your mask has no courageous. El stupido. -He's not the farm boy he used to be, John. -No. -Bail? -No, not yet. Time will come to bail. All right, and let's sort this out. Pagao! Uh, it's gonna be Thoril and Trallis, then Wolves.

There's a divider of at least two Wolves. -Three. -Three, yeah. Uh, again, not a lot of surprises from the Wolves. Actually, there's perfect dividers of two of our guys and three, and then two of ours and three. -Go ahead and go. -No, it's Malchus. He's just one guy. -Mal. -Go ahead, Thoril. I guess I'll move probably right there. I can't wait till you level up just so you get a new fucking move, Thoril. I know what you're gonna do. You know what you're gonna do. This is just an exercise in futility, really. I guess I'll try ranged basic attack. Good Lord. -Yep, 12 cameras.

-How fucking... I need something a bit more awesome to... It's effective, it's just not flashy, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, like Rob's stabbing people with lightning swords and stuff like that. -Right. -It's a darkness sword. -I'm sorry. -That's the thing. My stances are awesome. They have awesome names. Aspect of the cunning fox, aspect of the regal lion, but it's just melee basic attack, dual weapon attack, ranged basic attack. Yeah, that's what I did with my Rogue the very first time we played. It was all these cool, like, "This daily does this, and then this encounter power does this." And it's like, "Fuck, I'll just use basic melee attack, because that's all I really had.

After I spend the reds and the blacks, I'm done." Well, Tyler... My big beef attack is just power strike. Maybe you should consider naming your finisher. Yeah, you can name. Like, you can name... It's called that as, you know... -As default. -You should call aspect of what, cunning? Aspect of Khajiit. Holy shit. I'll figure it out when I actually get to my regular attacks. I don't know about ranged basic attack. I don't know what to call it. Tyler, did you just move one section? Yes. So I can get in front and do a ranged basic attack. How far away can you do that?

Um... I'm not quite sure about the range on this. -Is there a specific... -Maily? Oh, a ranged basic attack. Yeah, it'll say it on the... That's 11 blocks. Yeah, let's see here. Because it doesn't say exactly what the range... Yeah, I know. That's courageous. It'll be based on what weapon he has equipped. It's got daggers. No, it isn't. I'm an asshole. I have a longbow. I don't know if that... Turns out he has an archer this whole time. We didn't know it. He's technically a ranger, actually. Well, he's a scout. No, that was the last guy that came in here being a ranger.

I have a couple of ranger abilities. I wanted to be a ranger. By the way, it still says I'm proficient with hammers. -God of War. -You're shitting me. Is it a longbow? -Yeah. -I'm looking up longbow in the book. -I'm looking up your character. -There we go. Longbow. 20 squares with no penalty, 40 squares with a minus 2. -Fuck you. -Shit. So I should have no problem here. Crack him with a giant longbow. All right. Let's see if this does anything at all. Probably not, since that's a 12. -No. -Okay. No, that's not gonna... It hits him and it's a magic bolt, the same one that used to go on Kennedy, JFK, and it hit all of them.

We win. Yay. We use that ability on wolves. -So next up is Traus. -Trowels. -Trowels. -Trowels. It says it took their dance, so maybe that's just a little glitch there that it's saying that. Well, underneath it, it says "proficient with heavy blades," but the first thing in my notes. It's a racial trait. Oh, well, then maybe that's just... You just get something... You could have done that move with full moon. -I just looked at the path that he took. -One, two, three, four, five. -What? -I just saw the path that he took. What's so funny? There was a juke there. If you can see the blue line from him moving, it's like he's got the thing where he moves back a couple of spaces yet.

-I'm moving upward. -He's moving all over the place, like a madden. Yeah, no, I see. Yeah, he moved upward, but the blue line... He had the left trigger on the way up. Yeah. -It's coming. -Shut up. It looked like Michael J. Fox made the move. -Oh! -What? What? What? Don't know if it's supposed to move down. Range-based attack on... I guess number six, Wolf Six. -All right. -Viking and Jason just don't care. Boom. -21? -21 will do it. -It feels... -What's a C+7? Hold on. Why did I get a +7 on that? It says +4. No, look over here. D20 plus... -Oh, 17. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry. -That was your roll. 17 is your roll.

It's been a while. It's always just enough times as we start forgetting things. -Man. -Bwast. -What is he up? -Three. I'm sorry. All righty. -Negative three. -Pop. -Okay. -Pop. Pop. All right. Let's see here. All right. Now, what does a blast do? A blast goes out from the character? Blast is in front of a cone and burst is... -A round. -I always get those two. Yeah. Okay. Cool. So is it a close blast? It's a blast for three targets. -A close blast. -Yes. Close blast. Okay. So that'll mean it'll emanate from any corner of your square and count out... like a... How can I... So, like, it'll be at any corner of your square and it'll be a space of that size.

You can see the... Oh, okay. So all around me. No, no, no. Out from any corner of you. Yeah. See, like a cone, like in front... Like he's doing it in front of Treyas right now. All right. So if I was right here, that would make sense? Yeah. Yeah, that can work. Where was I? All right. All right. All right. Cool. Thanks. -All right. -I'm gonna ask you that every time we play. -Because I know what you said. -You sure fucking will. I have it recorded. You ask that every single time. 60% of the time it works every time. That was an old joke. It sure was. -Thank you. -So, let's see.

You're done, Jay? Yeah. Wolf! That way in activity. 11, 8... -What the fuck? -Wow. Oh, shit. -They're wolves. -Oh, it's a wolf. It's a fucking wolf. Basically, they run and bite. That's it. That's all they got. They scratch. They clean. They fuck around, Jayce. Play pranks on old people. That was a boy who cried wolf. They tell voices and become radio show hosts. That's what wolves do, right? They're American gladiators. Yeah. They also have great Metallica songs. -Malchus... -They play basketball. I saw that movie. Oh, shit. No, that was only Teen Wolfs. And they box. Oh, yeah, that's werewolves. 'Cause lots of high schools have boxing teams.

Never mind. It was college. Thank you, Teen Wolf 2. -You remember... -Steve Austin was in a movie that had a high school boxing league. -Condemned? -Knockout. -It was about a high school boxing, right? -(LAUGHTER) -Malchus. -All right. And who have we hit so far? -None. -Number six. -We did hit number six, yes. -Oh, shit. Who is now towards the back? Teen Wolf 2 had a musical number. Shut up. (LAUGHTER) I'm not saying it didn't. I don't care. There's a Teen Wolf on MTV now. Anybody watching that? No. It's like they did the Buffy treatment to it. -That makes it better, though, right?

-Well, it sounds good. -If you're Joss Whedon, yes. -Yes. I'll end up there and I'll aim at Wolf 6. No way. Unless I'm not close enough. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. I have one more square to move anyway. There we go. -Oh, yeah. -All right. So... I think that'll hit. All right. 26 versus AC. Yeah, that'll hit the Wolf. He's a Wolf. Watch out. D10 plus nine. -Thirteen. -Thirteen damage. Very nice. These are Hungry Wolves, guys. Come on. Give them some credit. -Hungry, Hungry Wolves. -Scrappy. Yeah. Just mangy-ass Wolves. That's kind of... Thinking about it, imagine you're in the crowd and it's like, "What are these highly skilled adventurers gonna fight?" -They release a pack of Wolves.

-That's just to get the blood flowing. That's round one. I know. It's just kind of like... It's like getting the crowd into it. "Look at all those dead bodies in there." Well, it's not regionals. Let's see here. That'll do it for you, right? -Yeah. -Okay. Wolf number two. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... I'm dead last. What the fuck? -I don't mind. -Almost. Almost. Wolf number four. Man. -Damn! -He's a god of the wolves. Wolf number four is going to attack... ...Treyas, obviously. He's gonna use his signature attack. Bite. -Shh. -I know. It's a shocker. What did he roll?

-Sixteen. -Nope. He's gonna bite into your chainmail armor and hurt the shit out of his mouth. And then wolf number six, who's been picked on so far. I imagine they have an incredible amount of move spaces, right? -Five, six... -Don't answer me. Seven, eight. I'm counting this out. Incredible. Eight. They have a movement speed of eight. And wolf number six is gonna take a swing at Treyas also. -Twenty-one. -Yes. Okay, that one will hit. And he does one D6 plus five. Again, nothing remarkable. -Ten damage. -Yeah. That's not bad. Now things are gonna start getting interesting.

The first blood's been drawn... Well, first blood was against that wolf, but... -First blood two is coming out. -First blood part two. -Revenge of the wolf. -Then it'll be Rambo three. So the crowd's just like, "Here are our wolves!" And Duncan... -They're the heels. -They're some dipshit fans. They wanna see a fight. They don't wanna just see Wolf. Some guy's got his pennant with wolves on it. Like, "Wolves!" He thought he was going to a Little League soccer game. Start throwing down our weapons. "No, we'll just punch it to death." I'm not gonna move. I'm gonna use Vicious Mockery against three up here.

-Okay. -D20 plus six. So I don't sing. I'm just calling it names and stuff. Nine. Great. Awesome. That's against Will. Is there any chance that hits? -No, actually. -Jesus Christ! -I can't roll a dice. -You didn't... Okay, last time you had a bad dice game. I'm hoping... I'm gonna send out good mojo. I'm hoping that you have a better... If you remember, I rolled three or four crits in a row. Yeah, the last two times I've had bad dice games. Yeah, it'll be fine. You're just warming up. It's fine. I'll put all your music in this next time. I didn't get a chance to do it last time.

I feel like a dick. You went to a lot of trouble to find old pop songs in your head that you wanted to throw in there. I'm gonna let Tyler pick all my music this time. After hearing his tremendous job with Amateur Championship Wrestling, I'm gonna let him. It wasn't called Amateur Championship Wrestling. What would be the official soundtrack of Amateur Championship Wrestling? A lot of Alter Bridge and Rev Theory. Great. Oh, God. You're all done there, Duncan? Or you wanna move? Yeah. And some offspring. -Traps? -Ironhide! -We're all screwed. -Do you remember we were trapped?

We're trapped. ♪ Headstrong, take you on ♪ -That was one song. -That was one song. Saliva. Justin, Ironhide, your turn, sir. Headstrong was trapped, by the way. -That's what I said. -You said saliva. No, I didn't. I mentioned Trapped, and then I start singing that awful one song they had. Oh, okay, okay. -I'm gonna go... -Headstrong is Jason. I know they had many albums. They had one song, though. All right, if I move here, can I do a close burst JS Assault on number six? Uh, it would hit two... -Really? It wouldn't hit six? -I'm just saying I know it hit two. I think it would hit six, too.

Like a close... Let me see. Let me draw the... -Is it close burst two? -Yeah. -Okay. -Yeah. So burst means it emanates from where you start, so in all directions. -So, yeah, it will catch two of them. -Yeah. Oh, really? All right, yeah, I can do that. -Okay. -Cool. And you're using... What is it? A JS Assault? -Yes. Yes, it is. -Okay. -So that's that shit where you mark the target. -Yeah, if they don't attack me, as long as that's on them. Oh, no, you're marking a target. -Yeah. -Yeah, so you gotta pick one. -Six. -Oh, six. Okay. Okay, so six is marked. Okay. This bus is gonna be sore.

-Okay. -All right. -Green Flame Blade. -Green Flame Blade. Green Flame Blade. Twenty for the attack, plus ten. Oh, that's 20. -Against two, I'm assuming, right? -Yeah. Okay, so, yes, that hits. Oh, get fucked, bitch. -Bitch. -The War Cry of Ironhide. Ten. Sixteen. Sixteen damage. Goddamn, very nice. Very nice. So you just lay into this wolf's ribs, just bam, just slice into them, and the crowd just goes nuts. They're loving it. 'Cause he's a dog and I'm a man. -We're not really a man. -There's three kids in my tummy. I mean, the kids in the crowd's just going nuts, watching robots and wolves fight each other.

It's just like, oh, my God, they aren't prepared for the awesomeness. Wait a second. The War Cry of Ironhide. Equal to the strength. To be fair, even for us as adults, seeing robots and wolves fight each other -would be awesome. -I'm saying. Even in a world of magic, that'd be cool. Um... -Yeah, okay, never mind. -Yeah? Yeah, it wouldn't hit anybody anyway, it would just... So you're good? -Yeah, I'm good. -You're good? -You're good? -Yes. Okay, Thoril, your turn. -Whoo! -Oh, gee. So many moves. So many things I can do. So many different and exciting things that I can do.

I bet he one-shots this wolf. I bet he fucking... I bet he does. If he rolls to hit it, I bet he... I bet you he misses, critically. -He's on your team. -Yeah, but I'm just saying, you know, things happen. Let's see. See, now I gotta think of something... something interesting to call this. Hmm. Anything interesting for just this one big beefy shot? Beef on the table. -Meat on the table. -But then what would I have to call... I would have to find an interesting name for the next shot if I hit. Just swing for now. Think of a clever name when it's not your turn. -Matele-based attack on the other one.

-Follow Skype, you feed me porn. -22. -22 hits. All right. Nine and... That's the D10. -12 damage. -12 damage. -Is he still alive? -Oh, he's still alive. -Okay. -Caryoid. -D9, 20, 18. -18 will hit. All right. Then we'll do... Oops, I got the wrong dice out. -26 plus 8 and 12 more damage. -Another 12 damage. Very nice. He is bloodied. He's below half, like well below half. He's staggered back. You knocked the shit right out of this wolf. Good job laying there, you got a dog. He would do the same to you. -You all done, sir? -He would have bit me. -He wouldn't have swung Michael Vick.

-He's battling the shit out of that. Our first Michael Vick reference, awesome. -Treyus. -I'm going to attack wolf number 4 here. Already? We're having a Duncan's turn. He missed. -He didn't move? -13? -That'll miss. -Okay. Put the... damage resistance on myself, I guess. That's probably a good idea, okay. Good, good, good. Wolf number 3. I didn't bloody wolf number 2. -Not quite, no. -Damn it. Wolf number 3 is going to charge right at Thoril. And take a swing at him. Get a piece of that. -17. -Nope. Okay, and he's going to miss. He's going to lunge and miss. Wolf number 1 is going to take a swing at Thoril 2. 27.

Oh, that's a crit. Shit. Oh, that's called Payback. So he does 11 damage. That's a female dog, so Payback's a bitch. What? Yeah! He did it! The son of a bitch did it! Okay, you're down to 21, Thoril. And you're surrounded by wolves. You got two on you. And that'll wrap up his turn. And that will bring us wolf number 5. Look. 1, 2... That's what you're doing, bitch. 3, 4, 5, 6. So they got flanking. Wolves do flank. It's a fact. I was going to say, since when did wolves be able to... -They surround things. -Yeah, that's what they do. They just kill things. They're our wolves.

I just didn't know they had the foresight to walk around and flank somebody. -I figured they just lunge them. -They're pack animals. That's exactly what they do, is surround and, you know, yeah. They're flying a bear. They're going to go for the legs. Yeah. Malkus, your turn. He missed, by the way, so... Oh, yeah, I know that. Even flanking, he missed. Okay, Malkus. It's all new. Did you say 6 was bloodied? -No. -1 is bloodied. Okay. Little bloody indicators over there. 6 is not quite bloodied. But he's been hit twice. So you're going to run away. [LAUGHS] No, I was going to...

I get a +1 to attack all bloodied enemies, so... Might as well go for the guy I can hit better. Yeah. -Who's out for vengeance. -It's wrong, but, you know... It's up to you. The bloodied one just crited Tyler a second ago. You know more than I do. 16 against the bloodied one. -That'll hit. -Cool. -15. -15 will kill it. Nice. So, bam. Done. Something happens. I get temporary hit points. [HUMMING] Oh, it's a power, that's right. Soul Eater... No, Soul Feast. They all have the same kind of names. [LAUGHS] I gain temporary hit points equal to my comm mod, which is 3. I gain 3 temp hit points.

Okay. Do we rest after this, after each fight, or what? Yes, you get to rest after each fight. Not sleep, but you get to take a short break and get your shit together. Uh, let's see... So each fight counts as an encounter, right? -Yes. -Okay. It's not one after the other. They wouldn't ask you to... But yeah, you get to grab a drink, get some Gatorade, whatever the equivalent of... [LAUGHS] So our encounter powers, though, they don't... We use them once per fight. -Yes. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah. -It counts as a new encounter. -Yeah. -Uh, you're done now, Malgus? -Yeah.

-I'll say. -Okay. Wolf number two is going to attack Ironhide. -The dick. -He's a dick. -That's eight. -No. Oh, wait, no, ten. That still doesn't fucking do anything. -Uh... -Bitch. Wolf number four is going to attack Trayus. Try trying. Actually, he's going to shift... No, he's not. Whatever. It'll be fine. Uh, ten. Jesus Christ, these are some shit rolls for the wolves. Well, they are wolves. They're the doghouse. [LAUGHS] [HISSING] You got me. -Uh, Justin's redoubled list at this point. -He is! How did you come prepared with wolf puns? You didn't know you were gonna... [LAUGHS] Been inhabited by the ghost of Paul Jordan and he's not dead? [LAUGHS] Wait, is this the only wolf that actually has gotten a hit off the crit on me right now?

Pretty much, yeah. They've all been lunging and missing. Uh, number six takes a swing at Trayus and misses with a 14. Duncan, your turn. Oh, I get to go right behind him. -Oh, that's true, yeah. -My mother goosin'. [LAUGHS] Get a plus two on me, attack. -Roll. -Oh, wait, not him. What am I doing here? -Who am I? -I don't know. What do you... -It's plus seven. -Mm-hmm. It's plus seven. Two side. [HISSING] Ah, 25! -That'll hit. -That's almost a crit. That was with... No, it wasn't. I'm gonna scoot my pants. All right. Fine. I noticed, I listened to the other recording too.

Every time Justin swings, he says that was almost a crit, no matter what he rolls. [LAUGHS] -Ten damage? -Sixteen, it was almost a crit. Um, ten damage. Yep, okay, he is bloodied. Yeah! I did this to you! And it's Duncan's turn. Okay, I'm gonna do Vicious Mockery again against four this time. -Okay. -And this is against Will. And... 12. God damn it! [LAUGHS] Uh, you just missed him. -I'm gonna go... -Let me see that. -Whimper. -Just now. -The corner. -Uh... I'm a failure. I'm a failure, guys. Guys... It's a little early in the day to call yourself a failure. -That's your second turn.

-I'm gonna put myself down that grate in the middle of the room here. Well, you gotta pull the grate up first. It's a lot of work. [LAUGHS] -Dawg, please help me. Come on, let's go. -Ironhide! What? All right, let's see what I can do. Didn't he just go? -No, he didn't. -It was a result of his aegis assault. I'm going for number six, because fuck it. -I'm still flanking him, right? -Yes. Let's just see what I can do to him sexually. [LAUGHS] Uh... a aegis. No. What am I talking about? And... ooh. Sixteen. Is that counting? Yeah, that's counting. Uh, yeah, that hits.

Yes, it does hit. -Almost a grit. -No, I didn't say that. -I didn't say that. -[LAUGHS] He rolled a four. Almost a grit. [LAUGHS] That was an impressive four. With a plus twelve modifier. Jesus Christ. [LAUGHS] He still just barely hit it. Uh, you get twelve? -Not twelve. That's for damage, buddy. -Yep, that'll kill it. [CLEARS THROAT] -Shazam. Done. -Make it rain. -Blood. -Uh, you done? You wanna move? Um... Well, I guess I gotta put a aegis of a... [HISSES] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Yeah. Yeah, I do wanna... Can I shift? -Okay. Yeah, you shift one space. You didn't move, so, yeah.

Now I'm gonna use my aegis of assault on four. -Okay. All right. -Master Manipulator. -Or... -Thoril! We're just saying words now. Okay. -Eh, that was a stroke. -Thoril. [LAUGHS] -Okay. -I'm just gonna beef wolf three here. -All righty. -Uh, thirteen. -Uh, my dick is not hard. -[LAUGHS] Come on, guys. These are fucking wolves. You got three more levels of purgatory. Don't fucking want me in the category of these chump. [LAUGHS] -These chump? -These chump. These my chumps. Oh, God. You gonna move or anything, or are you good where you are? Nah, I'm good where I am for now.

-All right. Shuraius. -Blessings of battle. Go. -Twenty-three. -On what? -Four? -Uh, the one who's been at four. Okay. Uh, that will hit. [HUMMING] Wait. Now I gotta do the damage. [HUMMING] -Fourteen. -Fourteen? Uh... That is all damage. -That's good. -It's a nice, meaty hit. Clubbed him over his big wolf head. [LAUGHS] He stumbles back. [LAUGHS] Uh... That all for you? You wanna shift or anything? -Uh, no. I'm good. -Okay. And now it is Wolf3's turn, and he is going to take a swing at Tyler. Twenty-two. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. He wants your ass, dude. He just... Shh. Eight.

Yeesh. That's so weird. The other guys are surrounded by wolves. You're fighting one, and, like, they're getting in some good hits. The ones that pick the fight with me are the ones that are competent. Yeah. Wolf number five is going to... One, two, three, four. Gonna run right for Duncan. I imagine it being the most ridiculous looking thing ever. Like, I club a wolf, cartwheel a little bit to the right, and throw, like, something on this... some green shit on this other wolf. He's like, "This is... Just kill him." The other guys get to look... Yeah, but you're doing that.

I'm just sitting in the back, hurling insults that aren't affecting the wolves at all. It was so ridiculous. Hey, Wolf. And they're not landing because they're fucking wolves and they don't understand. But it's coming off as bad roles here, but in their world, it's like... He doesn't get it. He's not, "Oh, yeah? Well, but this one. You're a dick!" Your mom's fat! How do you like that, Wolf? Meanwhile, Justin's wrestling on the ground with a wolf on his chest. "Why am I?" The audience is just sitting around like, "Why is he yelling at those wolves? Why doesn't he do anything?" After a while, he looks over at Tyler's character.

He's like, "Stop it! Stop it! You dick!" I'm a hit and done. I deal with the competent wolves, and you guys get the retarded ones. Just... We're clumping them over their head. They're like, "Oh, miss." They just start walking sideways. I just picture the wolf sitting there licking his paws as I hurl insults at it, like... and making that dog look, you know? So, wolf number five... Wolf number five runs up to Duncan and takes a chomp, but misses with a 17. So, we got Malkus. Malkus shouts, "Thorel, pace yourself!" And goes to help Thorel. Blazing Doom of the Void.

Oh, shit. I will enjoy the power of flanking. - The refreshing taste... - I will call the confidence in the world. The refreshing, smooth taste of flanking. You made me believe that you enjoyed it. You have only ten calories. Enjoy. Thirty. That'll do it. - That'll hit that wolf. - We'll see if I break this wolf. - 2d12 plus nine. - Twenty. - Oh! - Oh, ho, ho, ho. Well, that's 12, so that's... I mean, that's not a bad. - I mean, that's good. - It is a bad. - It's pretty bad. - It's not. I do get a bonus to my next damage roll before the end of my next turn, so I'll keep that in mind for myself.

All right, and I just checked that off. That's a little encounter power you used. Okay. Are you all done? - I'm set. - Anything else? Awesome. And wolf number two gets his turn. He's gonna take a chomp at Ironhide. What? - How long will you do this? - Eleven. - So... - No! - This even gets to the... - The retarded wolves. Yeah. This even gets through the leather, let alone the armor skin. - To my children. - Let me see. Wolf number four is going to shift one space. - Damn it! - And gonna lunge... at Ironhide here. - Eighteen. - But that doesn't hit. Okay. Yeah, these wolves, man.

He's no good. Duncan, your turn. Okay, so everyone's expecting me to hurl another insult at this wolf right in front of me, but instead, I raise my arms above my head and I start screaming. I start singing Hungry Like the Wolf. And the crowd gets behind me and I cast War Song Strike. And I really hope this hits. Sixteen against AC. - Sixteen will hit. - Yeah! Okay. Thank the Lord. Okay, there we go. One D8. - Take towers. - Plus five. By the nine. And... Ten. - Does ten damage. - Ten's a hit. I don't know what... I mean, that's a good... It's good. - It's good. Respectably.

- And now... I mean, now that this really matters, because no one's close, but if anybody hits him in the next... before my next turn, they get three temporary hit points. Nice. Ironhide, your turn. Ironhide doesn't like what's going on. I'm gonna swing at number two! Number two, all right. What fucking move am I gonna use? I think I heard green flame blade from somebody in the audience. It's the only fucking move I use. He's cupping his hand up to his ear. One D20 plus ten. - It's 22. - Twenty-two will hit. All right. That's quite the modifier you have. Just remember you said that.

Against wolves. Don't forget to mention... Again, you are very prepared for this wolf battle. - I'm... - Eight. Eight. That's some damage. Not bad. Fairly respectable. - Boom. - I imagine he's got like a... He's got like a notebook full of insults for different things that he could possibly encounter today. Uh... You all done? - Yeah. - Yeah. Okay. Thoril. Gee, um... Let me think here. See if I can beef him again. And actually hit this time. Come on, beef. Use your vicious dance of the hawk. That's this attack. The what? You were talking about naming your attacks. Oh! Yeah.

Vicious dance of the hawk. That's what you're doing. - Call it the priest beef. - I'm gonna bite him back. Hang on. That worked wonders on that mage you fought. Ah, criticalness. Oh! I crabbed himself. Oh! - Oh. - Greatest man. I cut off my own foot. Oh. Hey, Jason, is there any way we could hold off on putting this up until October 14th? Uh... Could. Yeah, why? That is wolf awareness week. - No, uh... - Seriously? - Seriously is. - Well, guess what? - Yeah, we could probably do that. - Why do we have to be aware of wolves? I don't know. - I've been in situations like this.

- They've been attacking villages recently, so... Treyus, your turn. Uh, blessings of battle. Boom. - Eleven. - Oh, criticalness. - Two in a row. Can we go for three? - Pass. Pass. Why did you use an extra point and reroll? I just rolled that up. Is that for... I don't get that back for the next encounters, right, though? - No. - Yeah. - You get a new action point every two encounters. - Yeah, two encounters. So you'll... Yeah. I'd rather hold off on something else than wolves. Uh, okay, let's see here. Uh, wolf number three is going to jump at Tyler or Thoril. Twenty-four.

Yeesh. - Man, he wants you. - He's going for the fuck with his rope. Eleven max damage. God damn. You are down to two hit points, sir. Ugh. - He wants your ass. - See? I get the competent fucking wolves. He's being flanked and he doesn't care. Like, he's... Um, wolf number five, gonna take another swing at Duncan. Well, don't they get, like, crazy when they taste blood? No, I mean, these are just wolves. Just hungry ass wolves. I'm just saying, like, wouldn't they go for the weaker target anyway? So it makes sense that they just go out to the throat. Yeah. Um, so let's see here.

That is an 18. - And that will miss. - Yes, so... Uh, Malchus? All right. Uh... Oh, hey, this is the guy I get my plus five damage against if I hit, so I better do that. Um... Soul Eater. Plus 12 versus AC. - 19. - That'll hit. I like the way you say that. You have all the enthusiasm of a double A. Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah, we're good. You Soul Eater. Sounds like a late night radio, DJ. - 24 damage with my max damage. - That will kill it. - Explode that bitch. - Woo! Uh, I haven't moved yet. Uh, I could move, and I'll move one, two, three, four... Right into the grate. Setting up a new flank, and that's all for me.

Awesome. Very nice. Very productive. Wolf number two is going to lunge at Ironhide, and he rolls a 12. - No one can hit Ironhide. - No one! Wolf number four is going to do the same thing. 26. He will hit you. - He's going after me? - Yeah. - Damn. - Yeah. - That's seven damage. - Fuck it. I can spare it. I can spare it. Uh, Duncan. Okay, War Song Strike again. Werewolf in London. Roll 30. - Oh, he hits me. - Crit! Tell him to crit. - So that is 13 damage. - 13? Well... In addition to your max damage, you also get the bonus die of damage because you crit with a magic weapon.

- Ooh, yeah. - So what do I roll here? - 1d6, I believe. - Well, check your Song Blade. - See what its crit dice are. - I could have swore it's 1d6. It'll be under your powers. They list the magic items under your powers. Yeah, that's cool. - Hi. - War Song Blade. 1d6. Okay. I was right. Awesome. - So that's... - Show this to me, I guess. - 13. No, no. - (LAUGHS) I have to be right about at least one thing every once in a while. - Just roll a d6. - 6? 6 and 13. God damn. Very nice. That's 21. There's all my good rolls for the day, guys. - You were complaining earlier. - Isn't that 19?

Wait, you're right. That is 19. I was trying to give you extra and you fucked it up. - Be honest, man. - No, that's true. He's bloodied. He's more than bloodied, but... He just fell back. The power of your rock. - Ironhide... - Which is weird, because he's a wolf. - This is my turn? - Yep. Crowd's going nuts, by the way. They're just loving you beating the shit out of these domesticated animals. Well, they're not domesticated. - They're someone's pets. - They don't even know either. They're fully fed. - I'm gonna use... - Green flame blade. Green flame blade. - They're number two.

- I would imagine. - Number two. Is that a hit? - That is. Because I'm the GM. You're not my mom. That turn? There he is. And he's dead. - Nope. - No, he is. - Not quite. - You read it wrong. That's 11 damage. It's not bad. Not bad at all. He's on his last legs. He's limping around. He doesn't want this fight anymore. You gonna shift or anything or are you good? - Yeah, I'm gonna shift. - Okay. - Heh. - All righty. Thor, may I remind you, you have two health. Jeez. Yeah, I think I'll probably take this turn to use a healing surge. Wait. I will say, though, we have two of these wolves bloodied and...

One of them... You can't make it out there anyway. He's got a ranged attack. He's got a vicious ranged attack. We got two of these bloodied and one of them that's been hit. I can probably come up to him and try to get rid of them. - No. - We're gonna rest up soon enough. I wouldn't run up there. Do a ranged attack. Don't run up to him. I would do a ranged. Number four won't go after you if you hang out back there. - Yeah, that's asking to do something. - Throw rocks at him. Even though you're bloodied and an easy meal, he'd have to take two opportunity attacks to try to get to you.

- Yeah. - Yeah. All right. So, yeah, I'll just do the ranged basic attack here. - And nothing. - Six. Okay. - You wanna move or anything? - Taking a piss? - No. - See, I have a little laugh. - Uh... Shreyas! - Same old, same old. - 24. - Look at you all prepared. - Yeah, that'll hit, obviously. - Yeah, it will do. Let's see if we can do... Roll. Eight. Very nice, very nice. Eight, eight, eight. - Eight is great. - That's good. - And he's bloodied. - Cool. And it's wolf number five's turn, and he's gonna attack Duncan. 'Cause these two are having an epic battle of wills down there.

- 25! - Miss. - No, it's a hit. - 9. - 9 damage. - Good job, wolf. You've really got a hold of your hand. - Roll it off me! - I respect you. Uh, Malchus! All right. Um, flanking bloodied, so... He's fucked. Let's just say it. Like, he's... You got him. Uh, at +13 in that case. Whew. That is a hell of a modifier. Yay, situational bonuses. Almost miss. Holy shit, you did almost miss. All you had to do pretty much is not get a one. - 17, that hits. - The modifiers were taking care of everything else. That barely hits. Uh... Next damage. Love it. Uh, done. He's dead. Super dead. One bloody wolf carcass just laying there.

- Uh... - Uh, you wanna move? Yeah, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. - Did you just go through him? - You can go through allies' spaces. Oh, my God. - I saw him. - Climb over him. Excuse me. Now those of you two are dancing with that wolf down there. Wolf number two is going to take a swipe at Ironhide real quick. Phew, phew, phew, phew. - Miss. - 17. God damn it, he misses every time. Getting ready to bash butts with this werewolf. And then it's Duncan's turn. Is this plus two on my attack or plus two on the day? Plus two on the attack. - Okay, so right now? - Yes, you're flanking him.

Okay, sweet. So, Born to Be Wild by Steppenwolf. - Ah. - Yeah. - I hate you. I'm a little worried. - I don't know if you guys caught on to the theme. Yes, it's subtle. It's subtle, but it's in there. - Oh, 14. Jesus Christ. - With a 12 modifier. Good Lord. - So, yeah, no. That's not... - I thought not. So, I got... Wait, how is that a... How is he flanking him when he was down there fighting him the entire time? Well, because Malkus is standing right behind the wolf and Duncan is standing right in front of it. Oh, so no matter what, it's a flank? Well, if there's a direct line between you and your ally and there's an enemy in between it, you flank them.

Okay. All right. Okay. Okay, your turn. You sounded like you thought I was making that up. No, I just didn't understand. - Oh, okay. - Like you were making it up. - Parents just don't understand. - Mm-hmm. I agree. - Oh, is it my turn? - It is your turn. I'm gonna use Green Flame Blade and it's gonna do 29 damage. Uh-oh, almost a crit. - One-off, folks. - You hit him. That's not gonna do 29 damage. No, but it was a 29. So close. So close. Who's unwrapping the candy? Someone's playing with the rosary beads. - More so as a cab driver. - Two is dead. - Two is dead. - Thank you, everyone.

Two is dead. And do you wanna move? - I don't need two. - Okay. Uh, Thoril, your turn. Well, I guess... Every Tyler turn comes complete with a long sigh in the beginning. - Yep. - That's how you know it's done right. I'm gonna move here so I can just make it more of a straight shot. Um, just a ranged basic attack here. - And, um... - 12. No. - Trace! - Finish this. No, just brush him real quick. He'll wait. Oh, wait. I just thought of something. - Go for it. - I don't know if my turn's over or not. - It is. - Kinda. - You moved and you fired. - Yeah, just let them go. - A bloodied wolf, I mean.

- Yeah. - That's why I'm not moving. - Is that a euphemism for something? - A bloodied wolf? - Yes. Am I not supposed to know? - It's something dirty. - 16. - 16 will hit. - That's pretty clever. [clicking] - 10. - Uh, he's dead. - Hang on. - Good enough. Good enough army work. You guys have finished tier one. Congratulations. - Wow, we're veterans already. - We're done. - The purse of... - Back off, guys. We have nothing to prove. The purse of 500 gold and the crowd's adulation. - That's your prize so far? - Meet on the table. We're down here. Would you guys like to rest up and go on to the next wave?

- Again, you can quit any time you want. - I'll let the user hear me. Okay, just a reminder, I do have the song thing. Probably would be a good thing to use. Don't you get, like, plus...? - I forget exactly how that works. - Getting down to it here. - Get him jigging with it. - Song arrest. So every healing surge... That's why I wanted you guys to hold on to your healing surges. Every healing surge you use during rest, you get extra three hit points. I maxed that already plus one because mine's nine. - Yeah. - I only need eight. Thank you, though, very much. I know other people need that desperately.

- How about Tyler? Because he's dying. - I'm saying, like, Tyler, you know... That'll save Tyler almost a full surge, right? With the extra three. Yeah, possibly. So, shazam, Justin's back up to full. Let's see, Tyler. What's the modifier for that again? - Plus three. - Plus three. - I have an eight surge value. - Okay. So three will get me back to full health. - I'm gonna check. - Damn. Four, Dan. Charisma modifier? It just changed. It hadn't changed the last time I checked. - And now it has changed. - Oh. - Cool, you're good. - I checked it earlier. I checked my charisma modifier and it only said three.

Now it says four. - So, yeah, it's plus four. - Do you wanna pop a surge there, Jay? - Sure. - Okay, cool. - Hook me up, too. - Was that exactly...? - No, it was... - One. - One plus that. - Okay. - Yay, everybody's getting a... - All right. Oh, the other thing changed, too, now, by the way. - What other thing? - The other thing that hadn't changed before about the sword thing. Okay, that did... Okay, good. It updated. It's changed now. So it just looks like the stuff on that page, 'cause that's where my charisma modifier is, too. Looks like that hadn't updated yet last time, so...

Yeah, that's weird that it took so damn long, but at least it changed. Malkus is fine. He's still got his ten pit points, so he's gonna lose them. Mm-hmm. So, each... I should mention that each wave, they kind of modify the playing field a bit... - Mm-hmm. - ...to kind of add an element of danger and just so that you're not going out in a big pit each time. So this is what wave two looks like. Is it magic, or do they just move us? It's not magic. It's just... There's removable plates and things like that, and there's elements that they'll add or take away. So the grate's open now?

Well, okay, what you're looking at is the grate in the center is just a hole at this point. And there are also four... Now, these are real deep holes. Deep to the point where if you fell in, you die. Oh, no. Ugh. And there's levers. I see. Yes. Now, let me explain what these are. Now, it's not so much what the levers do, but the things right next to these, when you walk by them within their range... And I'm not gonna tell you what their range is yet. When you walk by, they're traps. And what they do is they fire out an anklet attached to a chain. And if an anklet is attached to a chain, if it's a reflex check, and if you don't pass the reflex check, then bam, this clamps on, and it starts slowly dragging you back towards the hole.

And once you fall in the hole, you die. Once you're being dragged, can you strike at the chain to break it? There's a couple of different ways. You can attack the chain itself, or a buddy of yours can hit the switch. Ah, okay. Standard action, I take it? Yes. Also, enemies are affected by these two. - Ooh. - We can save them. - You might wanna help us. - Use those forced movement powers. So, it's just something to kinda mix it up. If you wanna put yourself at the bottom, I'll let you know what you're fighting. I'm gonna go to the bottom. I'm at the top. You guys, if there are ever somehow action figures of our adventurers, this is like the technodrome or the Megazord of the action figure line. [laughter] - That'd be great.

- The kid in the neighborhood who has this playset, like all the kids come over to look at it. It's super huge and just, you know, it's in the way all the time. All of the plastic ever. - So... - All the plastic you'll ever need. Oh, no! So, what is the... Where are the chains at on the map so we can dodge those? Those, uh... You see the things right next to the levers? - Yeah, those things? - Yeah. They have a pretty decent range. I'm just gonna let you know. Can they go through the levers? No, no, no. If you look closely, they face a certain way. They don't fire in multiple directions.

It's just the one direction. - Oh, I see. - Oh, I see. So, it's the one across the pick from us. - Yes. - So, they look like teapots, kind of. - If you zoom in, they look... - They fucking do. They're teapots. That's all they are. Ladies and gentlemen, they're teapots. Okay, you've found me out. I'm a fraud. No. You guys are gonna be fighting orcs. Go! Are these gladiator orcs or slave orcs brought in and forced to fight? Slave orcs, basically. They're battle-tested, but they're still... I mean, they were just a tribe of orcs, basically, that were captured and kind of brought in.

You guys, Malkus hates slavery. Once we get out of here, let's level this town. Yeah, yeah, let's do that. I'm for that, actually. Yeah, me too. Can I do a diplomatic? Diplomacy check. Diplomacy check? We thought these orcs got fair trade wages. You're seriously not doing a diplomacy check, right? I would assume it wouldn't matter, so no. But I was inquiring. It's basically... It's a fight to the death. If they don't kill you, they're gonna... Now, if they kill you, they get set free. Hmm. They get their freedom and some gold. They're fucking ugly. They are fucking ugly.

Well, they're orcs. We should have done a nature check on those wolves and gotten one on our side. That doesn't make any sense. You could have actually done that. See, we could have done that. You could have actually done that. Fuck it, let's do a diplomacy check, then. How about the dead wolves? Can we talk to one of those? [LAUGHTER] Can we make some fancy pelts? Okay, everyone, roll some initiative. Oh, shit. Just let me know one at a time which you guys can. 21? 21, that's excellent. That's a crit. I had a 13. 13. 19. Hey. Dan can stop complaining, also. 19.

I had the right, previously. [LAUGHTER] It's been a long time. Just in case you get it. I get the feeling that that's what he does. Dan, complain? Yes. Hey. I love you, Dan. It's just, you know... Facts are facts. Two. You got a two? Oh, shit. That was a ten-sided die. Come on. That's a rookie mistake. Three. [LAUGHTER] 150% of your first roll. Perfect. We're tied. That's delightful. Who's going first? So, it's not necessary... I mean, the enemy you're fighting is gonna be tougher, obviously. But this battlefield's gonna make things difficult. For those of you, of course, at home who can't see this...

And I gotta start remembering that there are people listening that can't see this. There are five large holes in this battlefield. And there are basically chain grappling hooks... that are going to try to ensnare people and drag them slowly to their death. Now, the way this works is, wherever... If it snags you, wherever it snags you, each turn, it's gonna drag you two squares. All right, but does it shoot out? How far does it shoot out? I'm not gonna tell you the range. It's substantial. It's a good range for a booby trap like this. It's gotta clear the hole, obviously, and get to the other side.

You know what? Fuck it. I'll tell you the range. It's eight. -Christ. -It's a good range. It's a solid range. It's a meaty range. Trace, you're gonna kick things off. -Orc 2 is within range of one of them. -Yep. -Get his ass. -No, no, no. You're not listening. They don't fire in all directions. They only fire straight. -Yeah. -Yeah. -Space in them. -Yeah. No, it isn't. -The point. -The one across... No, no, no. I see what you're saying, but that's not... We haven't started combat yet. That was supposed to be a surprise. Well, it was gonna, yes, but that's fine. Dan had to complain.

-I didn't complain! -I just... -I'm using logic. -I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. It's good. It's good times. We're having good times. That was gonna be the example, but that's okay. Trace, your turn, sir. I'm just gonna stay put, really. I mean, I'm... -I'm terrified. -I'm gonna let them come to me. I wanna see how this plays out. Okay, so you're just gonna pass? -Yep. -Duncan, your turn. I'll move a little bit here. Do a little gyration. Let's do this. One, two, three, four, five. I think I'm safe here, so I'm gonna go with... This is gonna make things interesting. You're done?

Not doing anything else? Thoril, your turn. We'll figure this is the time you guys roll really well, initiative-ly. Initiative-ly? That's a good word, right? That's a word. -Whatever, right? -Oh, my God, I need more. And I guess I'll... You know what? I can try a ranged basic attack. I'll at least try that. C+4. 21. So sorry. -And that's against four, right? -Oh, four. Straight ahead, yeah. Okay, yeah, that hits. All right. That's the first time you've hit with a ranged basic attack. -Nine damage. -Nine, okay. You've pissed him off by hitting him. And I instantly dare him to come get me.

You're all done? What's up? You're all done? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Now, let's see here. Ork number two, which Dan pointed out, is within range. So what's going to happen is we're going to... It's basically an attack made by this trap. And it's going to be a d20... Oh, shit. -D20+5. -That was surprising just what happened. -18 versus reflex. -You're going without that other part. No, no, no, no, it happens. It's fine. You're pointing out logic. You want to get an edge. I get it. So he's hooked. -He's hooked on phonics. -He is hooked. No, no. Let's see. Let's just count that as...

-Boom. -His fate lies in Tyler's hands now, because he's next to the lever. So he's panicking. The crowd's going nuts, because they know what this means. What happened is, just picture a chain with a clamp on the end of it, like a shackle fired out from a cannon, and it just grabbed his leg. And now it's going to start slowly dragging him back. I don't like this. I don't know how I'm going to do this. These guys didn't want to fight us. They were forced to. Fuck this town, too. I thought we were protecting an innocent little town. They want to see these slaves die.

I mean, fuck them, you know? -They're orcs. -They're like the lair haven. Jason, if nothing else, at least you know what to prep for next adventure. All right? The fall of civilization. The dragons are attacking you? You deserve it. Fuck you. We have a friend who's a Drake. We'll bring him in here. I know in a few minutes what the scene is going to look like, because there's going to be, at the very least, me sitting there with my battle axe, like... And we all put down our weapons. I'm going to be sitting there with my battle axe, killing one of the orcs, while the other orc is being drugged slowly across the battlefield.

It's the most gruesome fucking way to die. Like, he's just watching his buddies die while he's being drugged. He can do nothing about it. Let's see here. So, if nothing else, that should teach you, I mean, how that trap works, specifically. One, two, three, four, five. The funnier part is thinking that he's now got to pass over that chain. So, he sees his buddy getting drugged and he just hops over it. Well, he moved down here specifically to take a shot at the chain. Oh. Once the chain is severed, that trap is no longer valid, of course, because there's no chain to it.

Because these orcs are smart enough to realize... Well, I mean, it's a very common thing. It's like, well, chain is pulling him in, attack chain. Like, it's pretty, I mean, they're not retarded. They're, I mean, they're slaves and they're fighting for their freedom. They really like to change your bad. We're killing sentient beings. That's all I want to say. Yeah. I'm saying, let's put down our weapons, guys. Let's do it. You could have backed out at any time. I don't think they have the same moral compunctions we do about it. And we don't know what these orcs are in for.

They're slaves. They've gotten a birth. I feel like there's some reason for some. You don't know. You don't know. Maybe it's a running man situation. Maybe these guys were brought in as a result of past crimes. They're fighting for freedom. I never said that they were brought in as, you know, they were slaves at birth. You never said they were rappers. We're assuming a bunch. [LAUGHTER] Oh, yeah. [LAUGHTER] Uh, let's see if this hits. Once again, just like the Condemned. That high school boxing movie. [LAUGHTER] All right. The Chain. I've never watched that movie.

So, The Chain is done as of right now. It's an okay movie, by the way. I saw it on cable the other night. Yeah, it's all right. It's Americanized Battle Royale. It's a mix between Running Man and The Most Dangerous Game. I like Running Man. Also, The Pest, maybe. Oh, fuck you. No, no. We're done. The Pest is a comedic version of The Most Dangerous Game. There was a book called The Most Dangerous Game. You hunt man, right? No, but that's like one guy. That's like guys hunting one guy. Like, this is like a game. This is kind of like Americanized Battle Royale. Then why don't you say The Jerk?

It's why I said it was a mix between Running Man and The Pest. Not The Pest, I'm sorry. Most Dangerous Game. I feel like we're really off track. I'm sorry, let's kill these slaves. Hold on. [LAUGHTER] We're trying to get our minds off of it, Jason. They raped Farmer's daughters. Does that make you feel better about the situation? We're retconning continuity, Jason. I'm not retconning. We don't know. You're in a situation... They don't give you... "Here are the men you're going to be slaying today." You don't even know who you're going to be fighting. The fact that I told you that they're brought in against their will, you come up with a reason why.

But I'm just saying, they may not be the innocents you pay them to be. They're fucking orcs. They're really kills either way. [LAUGHTER] What he's saying is tell yourself whatever you need to justify your actions. That's what he's saying. So, one just freed his friend. And I placed a marker on that trap to let you know that that's broken now. Three is going to start moving on down. All we need to know is it had to be done. We had no choice. Five... All I'm saying is as a guy born with double horns and red skin, I can feel the hatred, you know? I know what it's like.

So the chains don't go if you just pass by them? How do you mean? Like, he just passed by that trap, but that wouldn't get him. -Yeah, but it's broken. -He doesn't pass it. -Well, he... -He doesn't pass by the other one. He passed by... Yeah, he passed by... The first one he had to... He cut the chain. Right, but the second one that he just passed by. So two is off the chain. -He didn't pass by any of me. -He hasn't passed by another one yet. -He hasn't passed by another one yet. -Three just passed. -Three didn't. -They shoot inward towards the trap. He just passed that one.

Oh, son of a bitch, he did. I fucking missed that one. -Yeah. -Yep. Attack of opportunity. -Oh, man. -Totally didn't catch that. -Well, that Mafu is gonna help. -You said it has a range of eight, though. -Oh, okay. I don't have my cursor far enough. -Yeah, that's the thing. -I didn't even notice that over there. -Okay, so it missed him anyway. It's fine. -Oh, it did. -Yes, it did. He rolled a seven versus reflex. They have fucking better reflex. A goat would have a better reflex than seven. -Malkus, your turn. -Fight some goats. -All right. -Fight some goats, yes. Oh. That's round three.

Ooh. The attack for the trap, by the way, is 20 plus five versus reflex. So, of course, Duncan would probably get it pretty bad trying to... -Wait, what is it? -It's 20 plus five. It's a d20 plus five versus reflex. And since he's a dumpy little dwarf, it's probably... So what do we need in order to dodge it? Not that. It's a d20 plus five. -So whatever... -Against your reflex defense. -Yes. -Three, four... -Yeah, so you got a 16 reflex. -All right, never mind. Sorry. How tall are the little spouts that the chains come out of? It's like a little three-foot mechanism, basically.

-Oh, cool. So I can still fire from standing behind that thing. -Yeah, you're fine. Okay, I pointed at dude number one there and just do my elder spulk. Okay. Just out of curiosity, could we attack the mechanism? Sure, yeah. So just to disable it, we could... -Yeah. -Okay. You can break them, sure. Would you disable the mechanism that would stop it? Yeah, so it would never shoot out in the first place if we kill them, yeah. I thought you meant as in like, "Yeah, you could destroy it," but then how are you gonna... I thought you meant can you destroy the trap itself?

Sure, or you could just flip the switch and just turn it off. -You can take a 20. -I'll take a 20. -22 against reflex. -That'll hit him. Okay, 19 damage against number one. Okay, very nice. I'm done. All righty. By the way, that's a minor action to just flip the switch. No! So the switch is disabled forever until someone else flips the switch? Right. But who would do that? And it disables both of the traps? -Yes. -Okay. I figured. Yes, sir. And let's see. Ork number four. Hmm. One, two, three, four, five, six. Shoot him. Two, three, four, five, six. -Then he gets shot at again?

-Ah, fuck me, he does. God damn it! Yeah, I've noticed that as far as getting by either of those two, like they're both within every square on that line is within... -Yeah, it's... -...eight of either trap, so yeah. But I mean, it's kind of a low roll. Like, it's meant to just keep things interesting, and it's not an instant death. So he's fucking snared. God damn it. Except in this time. I'm falling into my own traps. This time is gonna be pretty much an instant death. It... Yeah, he's got a turn to get his shit together, yeah. Uh... Ironhide. No way, it's my turn.

All right. I'm gonna move one, two, three, four, five, six. Wait, where'd you move? I moved. Right here. You might wanna show your path. One, two, three, four, five, six. I know, it ends like right here. Yep, I'm just making sure. I counted that way before. [LAUGHS] Um... This does make things interesting. I will do nothing. Okay. -'Cause I can't do shit. -You can use your attack, though, to make a second move if you want to. -Well... -Really? If you wanna get further, you can do a full second move just by orbiting your attack. All right, yeah. One... -Turn around.

-[LAUGHTER] -Three, four... -Nope, done. -Stop. -Uh... Opportunity attack. -Oh, shit, that one down there. -Yep. Yeah, there's only, like, certain... We're pretty much set in, like, one small part of this map until we start turning some switches off. -We can go behind. -Yeah, 15 will miss you. You're fine. Yeah! -It just missed. -I'll play for that. [LAUGHTER] So what, do I just stop right here or back there where it snagged me? No, no, it didn't snag you. Oh. You just celebrated. Why would you... Never mind. Because... All right, I'm good. Okay. And... Uh, it is Trius' turn.

One, two, four. Right here, I'm gonna set off this one over here, this switch. -Okay. -So this quadrant over here is safe. Yep. And that's it. -Team player. -Mm-hm. And I don't wanna kill innocent people, that's all. Don't get... You have no way of knowing if they're innocent. Also, they're going to murder you either way. Hmm. -Because they're a brainchild. -They're my friend. Um, so the switch is a minor action, right? -Yes. -Okay, I'm gonna throw that switch. Okay. Um, and then I'm gonna use Vicious Mockery on one. Okay. 22 against Will. Oh, yeah, that'll hit. -Okay.

-Big time hit. No, no, yet. Let's see here. [CHUCKLES] Um... -[GROANS] -Eight points of psychic damage. Nice. And the target, by the way, the target takes a negative two penalty to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. Okay, he's also bloodied. -Sweet. -So number one is bloodied. Um, so let's see here what we're gonna do. Goddamn. Uh... Thoril, your turn. Okay, well, let's see. One, two, three... Huh? Oh, you can't get it again, so... Four, five. Right there. One, two, three. I use my minor action to crotch chop that trap that is going to get outside its range. [LAUGHTER] And then, um...

Yeah, just... I haven't come up with a clever name yet, so I'm just gonna beef this, uh... -MBA. -This orc in front of me. [CHUCKLES] Uh, let's see. Plus ten... Eighteen. Uh, that will miss. -Wow. -Really? -Yeah. -Interesting. Um... You know what, since one's snared, one's bloodied, and one's way up there, I'm just gonna use heroic effort now. -Okay, that'll hit. -MBA plus four. All right, cool. All right, then, uh... D10 plus nine damage? I gotta get used to the new numbers now. Yeah. Got a little bit more now. Uh, 19. Wow, full damage. Nice. Nice, nice, nice. And Justin's air conditioner makes an appearance.

Oh. D20 plus nine. -That won't do it. -That's a crit miss. Um... So, yeah. You all done? Yep. Uh, let's see. Did I use my action pointer? No. Cool. Uh, okay. Uh, the battle-tested orc number two is going to run down here to try and help his friend. That trap has shot at me. Does that... Is that gone now, or what? No. It automatically retracts. -All right, cool. -Yeah, it just... Yeah. Uh, let's see here. Oh, wait. My bad. That's a plus eight. Okay, that severs the chain, so this is broken. Why am I all the way over here? 'Cause you moved there? You guys don't need me. And now you're stuck in that area until you wanna cross again and then have the chance to have a chain come up and grab you again.

All right. Battle-tested, uh... Jesus. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Shit. -You get snagged. -Chain, yeah. Chain should shoot out first. Where? That's exactly eight spaces. -One, two, three, four, five, six... -Snag his ass in the back. Son of a bitch! I set this map up! Why did you... The two traps are... The two traps on both sides there, yeah. I'll give you a range attack on him as he's flying backwards. Okay. Son of a bitch. Uh, it snagged him. But he can still make an attack. See, I see what you were going for. You thought you were gonna leave the back ones open so that we could sneak through, but by doing that, you can't get through at all.

No, no, no, no. I didn't set it up. I mean, it's a chance wherever you go. And there's switches, too, so it's not like it's an impervious situation. It's just, you know... But he's gonna fucking make an attack. 'Cause he was charging. So what happens here is he was charging... He's charging at Justin. And then before he gets drugged... Just as he reaches him, blam, clamp around his ankle, and then he is going to, uh... Let's see, hand X... Uh... 17. This is almost starting to feel like a '90s Disney comedy. So can I move around him while he's being dragged and not get caught by him?

Well, you're still, until next turn, when he starts... No, I mean, like, okay, say he's being dragged away. Can I move around him, like, one of the nine spaces around him, and not get caught? Oh, the trap can't catch you, too. It's got him. Am I, like, does he get an opportunity attack? Yes. I mean, he still counts as a character. He's still on the field. Yeah, but his defense must be, like, lowered or something. Well, next turn he'll be prone. Yeah. So I guess, no. He'll get his one shot, but then he's gonna get drugged. After he's prone, I don't think he gets an opportunity attack 'cause he's on fucking ground.

But he's telling on the ground, "Ahh!" That's next turn, though. Until then, he still counts as a character. He still counts as an orc prisoner. Slaves aren't characters. What do you mean, Chase? You guys are staunchly divided on this. Jeremy doesn't like this at all. Like, I... I was being sarcastic. No, no, I know. Battle Axe. I'm with Jeremy on this. Even though you don't know their backstory? He's convinced me. I'm easily swayed. He's a good arbitrator. Battle Test at orc number three is gonna take a swing at Thoril. And... 11. Nope. So, no. That'll miss a bunch.

Malkus. Okay. Eldritch Bolt against the bloodied, snared orc. Orc number one. 20 minutes of reflex. That'll hit. Insult to injury. I'm gonna kill you before you fucking die. Well, he could get away. 10 damage. Yeesh. What a horrible way to go out. Okay. You all done? -Or are you gonna shift? -Malkus will go... Oh, cool. That one that would trip us up is switched off. Thanks to Trayus. MPP. So, I'm gonna go... One, two, three, four, five, six. -All right. Done. -Awesome. Battle Test at orc number four... who is no longer on the chain. Now he has to spend a move in order to get up, right?

-He wasn't drug anywhere. -So you could say that he's off the chain. -I've said that before, but that's fine. -Yeah. -Never mind. -It was really good, Tyler. It was good, though. I like the cut of your jib. -How's it gonna repeat? -Good call back. I'm tired. I claim incompetence. 26 against Thoril's AC. That'll hit. I imagine you guys aren't quite that powerful yet. So that's a D10 plus five. That's the first thing... Six. Jesus Christ. That's the first thing these guys have hit. -They're probably not. -Who did I hit? -It was me. -My last turn. -Who did you hit? -One. -It was one?

-It was one. -Oh, okay. So that's fine. He's not done anything. -He's not doing well. I'm not doing well. And that will bring us to Ironhide. Go. We mercilessly taunt this poor orc. I'll attack the orc. With my nudity. It's custom to do that. -30. Critical crit. -Crit? Goddamn. Okay, so what do you got here? It's 16, but I also get to roll an eight-sided die. Because I crit him with a magic weapon. That's another five. So that's 16 plus five is 21 damage. Okay, yeah, he's super dead. -Woo! -So here's the shitty part of this. The trap is still attached to it. So he falls just face-forward, bloody heap, as this thing just slowly drags his lifeless body.

-The crowd's going nuts. -Oh, my God, violence! I love... So he's dead. And it's a spectacle, and people love it. -You wanna move? -Yeah, is that disabled or no? Well, he's still attached to it. Just imagine his lifeless body being drunk backwards. All right, so I'm able to move in the crosshairs of that thing, right? Yes, you're fine. One, two, three, four, five. I'm gonna stop here. I'm gonna switch this off. All righty. Which is still not sure if that's a good or bad idea. They're doing more damage to your enemies than you guys, but it's nice to not leave things to chance.

-All right, they're off. -All right, that's my turn. All right, nice turn. Treyas! I'm just gonna move upward. One, two, three, four... Wait. One, two, three, four... I start making my way over there. All right. If you're not attacking, you can take another move. Oh. Yes. Two, three... Three, four, five. There. -All right. -Yeah, there you go. Duncan! Is he here? I don't think Dan's here. You just fucking left without saying anything? -No, I'm here. I'm here. -Okay. I had my mute on for a second because I was getting situated. -Masturbating. -So I was gonna do a range attack on three.

I can't do that now, can I? -No, actually. -'Cause I'm not gonna make my way. -So... -That's where communication would come in handy. Yeah, I know. I was situated. Actually, it's fine, 'cause I can just move a couple spaces and go after four. So it's not the deal. I'll go here. And I'll use Vicious Mockery again. On four. -Twenty. Against Will. -Yep, that'll hit. -Okay. -Unlike the Wolves, the Orcs definitely understand you're insulting them. Yes, they don't appreciate it. I believe it's a D6 plus five... -Ten. -Ten. And also negative two attack rolls on him. Two attacks, yes.

All righty. Thoril, you're up. Hang on. [laughter] Sorry, I had myself situated on something else. Situated is code for masturbating, right? I'm not misreading. -No! -No. Minimize my porn. Hold on. [laughter] Nothing else to do here in Iowa. I thought it was code for bonking, but... It depends on what region of the country you're in. Like St. Louis's meth. I'm just gonna do a basic attack on one, or whatever the hell the number is. Three. Right in front of me. It'll take one from far away. -Twenty-nine. -Twenty-nine, I'll hit him. Almost a crit. See, I know you know when it says that.

Hang on. Close. Nine. -Seventeen damage. -Seventeen. Very nice. Roll for your offhand. Twenty plus nine. Twenty-one. He is already bloodied. Twenty-one will hit. -D6 plus eight. Nine. -Nine. -A4. -Uh... Do you like temporary hit points? [laughter] -I just got three of them. -I just got three of them. He was hitting three, not four. This is Constitution. Right, but you attacked four. No, this is different. "If an ally within five squares bloodies, it reduces a foe to zero HP." Actually, four. One plus my Constitution temporary hit points. Tyler, you beefed that guy to death.

-Yeah. -So congratulations. Four. There. Um... I can hear myself. Why? Why is that? Okay, now it goes away. -Battle tested orc number two. -Battle toad five. Battle toad number... Battle tits. It's gonna run right up to Treyas. And take a swing at him. That is my virtue of valor. I always forget that. Okay. Uh, 21. -Uh, yes, I believe. -Okay. So, Jerick, on his turn, really needs to spend a minor action. I know, I was gonna say that as a surprise, but thank you. Oh, sorry. Gut tactical. [laughter] Get tactical, Marines. I spoil things. [laughter] -Uh, so that's 14. -Okay.

No, I'm not doing that. Fuck it. [laughter] -Now he's mad that it wasn't-- -Don't lie. Fuck it. I ruined it. Oh. Uh, Malkus, your turn. All right. Do you wanna tell me what I should do? [snickering] No. All right. I'll, uh... Use your gloom and doom of the void or whatever. Actually, yes, that is spot on. That is exactly what I was gonna do. Got flanking. Uh, so, D20 plus 12. [chuckles] That's how you whiff your encounter power. [laughter] That's how that works. What is that verse? -Uh, verses-- -They say it in your will. -Fortitude. -Oh, no. -Yeah. -None of that. So, I don't think I wanna do anything else.

-Yeah, I'll give him flanking for his next hit. -So, this is awkward. [chuckles] Okay, and four is gonna go ahead and take a swing at, uh, Thoril, who he's already kind of in combat with. So, let's see here. Nine. Critical miss! All right! [mimics music] Yeah! Ironhide, your turn. [laughs] I'm gonna use my minor action and flip this switch. What? Somebody very special and dear to me told me to. Shit's back on, ladies and gentlemen, which means you flip that switch, the trap turns back on and immediately fires a pun. Uh, battle-tested orc number two. Let's see if it hits him.

Nine. It does not hit him. Nope. All right. One, two, three, four, five, six. I will attack him with my face! [laughs] -You're gonna eat him? -Vicious headbutt of stupidity. [chuckles] Here we go! No whammies. No whammies at all. -Twenty-three. That'll hit. -Yep. I don't think I missed. Once. In fact, you always almost crit. Almost. And here we go for seven damage. Seven. Not bad. Seven damage. You know, whatever. It's not gay. Uh, let's see. Trayus. Yeah. Very half-hearted. Blessings of battle. -So... Damn. Okay. -Damn! Cool damage. It? That's half-hearted? Jesus. Yeah. [laughs] -He doesn't support this battle.

-Nope. I don't. Oh, man. I don't think we really need... I mean, they seem rather malnourished. Their brains aren't working properly. Like, right off the bat, boom, boom. Grab one to their legs. They don't even know where to stand anymore. Well, it's not like they... The wolves were a tougher challenge. I mean... [laughs] These are just poor people who just... I don't know. They're probably like intimidated on their face, but that's because they can't shave and they don't clean. It's so interesting that that's where you guys took this. -That's... -That's property, you know.

When I was putting this together, I never thought that that would be... If you look at the situations, the town is an okay place. It doesn't seem like we have slaves. It's like, no, these are prisoners and we don't want to spend money that we can improve the town with on feeding these people, so... It's not even... They're not even slaves that are put into work either. They're just slaves that they're using for their own entertainment. Yeah, let's celebrate their horrible, horrible torture and death, you know. Hey, let's save this town next week, guys. [bird chirping] -I'm telling you...

-I'm a man of God. Go back to Wehrhaven. [laughs] Well, some of you aren't welcome back in Wehrhaven. Pull some strings. We can never go back to Arizona. Well, you can't get back. [laughs] I'm giving a damn introduction over to Ironhide. -Okay. -Yeah, I don't need him, but thanks. You want to do anything else or you're good? I'm good. Okay. -Uh... -It's like anybody needs it against these guys. Duncan, they're not the most coordinated of fighters, it turns out. I'm gonna try to put this guy out of his misery here. -Uh... -Bash him over the head. Uh, inspiring refrain.

Um... I don't know. Your love. This is on, I guess. Uh, it's D20 plus 10. So, we're gonna roll that. -24. -24 will hit. Okay. Um, now I have a... 2D8 plus 5. 20. -Cool. -Oh! Walking Dead season two is on Netflix. -Oh, cool. -Oh, cool. I got the email too. [laughs] -Uh, he's bloodied. -Okay. -Uh... -Go ahead. Uh, we have gone from four orcs down to two. Lots of traps have been sent off. People start panicking, hacking away at chains. -All of them have, I think. -And, uh... -[laughs] -So, everybody now, it's everyone... Because everyone's within five squares, five square burst, they all get a plus one power bonus to attack rolls until they divide extra.

Very nice, very nice. -So, you're done? -Yes. All right. Thoril! Uh, might as well set and finish off orc number four real quick. You got flanking also. Yeah, so you get the plus one on attack and you get the flanking bonus. -Ugh! -Plus one on attack? For me, yeah. Plus a flanking bonus, that's plus three. Holy crap, if I miss this... You're gay. -Then Tyler likes dicks. -27. No, you're gay. -You don't like dicks. -"Tyler likes dicks." [laughs] Do you know for sure he doesn't... I don't know. Are we basing the whole thing on the roll? No, I mean, if Tyler likes dicks, that's cool, that's fine.

That's his life choices, I don't care. It's all good. Again, what are you gonna do out in Iowa? -That's true. Nebraska. -I got 10 damage, by the way. 10 damage. Okay, he is down to one knee, ladies and gentlemen. He's taking a knee. -You guys... -Sucking Tyler's dick. [laughs] Tyler wishes. [laughs] "Hey, I'll begin with a corn fixation, and then a fixation for all fellas like objects." He's a slave, that's what he's used to. It's all he knows. Give him a drink. 23 in my offhand. Uh, that'll hit. -I got a question. -Six, eight... -Nine damage. -He is dead. What's your question, Justin?

Can I shift to the beginning of my turn, so I'm flanking him? Number two? And that won't be like, "Oh, you need to roll." No, no, shifting is fine. Shifting is one space, that's fine. Right. Yeah, he's dead. -He's dead. -He sucks dick now. I thought it was what you did, I said he did. Yeah. Let me see. Who else handles violent outbursts to prove they're not gay? Hmm. Lots of Italian dudes. See how gay I'm not? I wasn't having violent outbursts. You almost said "buff." That's interesting. You killed a guy. You killed a slave. -Uh, Justin. -What? It is not your turn. I don't know why I...

He kills an orc for everyone making homoerotic jokes about him. Uh, okay. Fucking battle-tested orc number two has had a fucking nuff, and he's gonna go into hacking frenzy. It's a close-burst one, and it's just basically an attack against each one of you. He's gonna take a swing at Treyas first. Fourteen, that's gonna miss. And then Justin. Fifteen, that's gonna miss. Fantastic, ladies and gentlemen. I'm clocking out for the day. -It's collapsing. -See you later. [laughter] Just runs over, jumps in the hole, it's over. He just starts swinging wildly, like, "Oh, shit." He's prone at this point.

-No, no, no, he... -No, it missed him. Uh, Malkus, your turn. Does that thing not shoot out again until someone else walks by it? It's a triggered thing, yeah. So it's like a Halloween decoration. Think of it that way. It doesn't get triggered just because a fucking crazed malnourished orc is just spinning around screaming. All right. Ooh. I'll flank with Jerick. Oof. I just thought, "Why is he malnourished?" They're just making things up. They're just... [laughter] Putting this sympathetic face on the fucking enemies. The enemies just swear to jihad against you guys.

They were going to murder you. -Damn. -'Cause this is all they have, Chase. They have to in order to get their freedom, which they know they're never gonna get that. -Never. -Just for the rich. They'll never honor those bogus treaties. I mean, there's so many rounds they had to fight. I imagine as dinosaurs with magic fucking fingernails. I'm like... Nazis riding T-Rexes. Representing Old Haven or whatever the fuck this dame town is, it's like, "Hey, yeah, it's gonna be like teens fighting teens. "Nope, you're just gonna be fighting slaves." Executing them for the enjoyment of children.

And mutts. Fucking mutts. These animals in the stands are going crazy. Jason, seriously, you need to set up a confrontation with the mayor on the next sit-down. If you guys want to talk to the mayor, I will set it up for the next time. I didn't honestly think it was gonna be a problem, but... All of a sudden, there's a bunch of moral implications here. There are fucking... -Hungs and wolves and what? -The entire next sit-down turned into a town hall meeting. What the fuck, bro? It turned into the Star Wars prequels, where the diplomacy meetings... Ugh. This is a good movie.

I like this movie. Federal trade embargoes and fucking... We're gonna talk... All right, what's going on? I missed, so I'm done. Yes, I see that. -Ironhide, you're... -He's also flanking. -Yeah, I know. -Yeah, nice. Here's your plus one. He used it at fucking 12. He had plus 12 for his modifier, for God's sake. It's still 13. It's still not gonna hit. All right, I don't have to shift or... No, you got flanking. You got flanking. All right, so I'm gonna use... We know you're gonna use it. Bang! -14. -14 misses. -Does not hit. -Defiance. -He refuses to lose. -But I will cartwheel over this section right here.

Now you're out of flanking. And that trap just swank. -Whoa! -It never happened. No, go back. -You're late. -Go back. I'm gonna get a man out of this. Nine. So you're lucky. Tyler Gayness is gonna totally fall in love with me. Wait, if he moves now, does the trap go back to two? Uh... well, technically, yeah, that would be... yeah. Good move, Justin. Good move, falling ass backwards down the steps. Does it mean anything? There's five guys surrounding this guy. Kick him in the ribs. It's one orc. For God's sake, Treyas, put a blunt instrument between his eyes and end his fucking...

-25. -25. Wait, why does it say 15? 'Cause you rolled a 15. -Okay. -Plus 10. -Oh, okay, okay. -Yeah, okay. Man, Treyas really wants to murder this guy. Come on, Treyas! Do it! "Fairness, I am!" The crowd's shouting, "Fairness, who?" Treyas is like a dinky more. Twelve. I still say this isn't right. Oh, my God, you just clobbered the shit. He's all bloodied now. Hey, you get plus four. -Temporary hit points for doing that. -Hey. -Congratulations. -I'm happy about that. As a reward. As a reward. They're the most bitter hit points he's ever gained. Duncan, you're... I feel like we're ruining Jay's good time.

And it's so weird. Jay's from Texas. This shouldn't bother you. Yeah, I know. You're in cultures all the time, Jason. Those orcs are horrible criminals, right? We don't know! Jay's just a redneck. I didn't say that, but Texas likes to punish criminals. I'm guessing... Mexicans eat burritos. Guess what I have for dinner now. Eventually, Jay's just burying and acting to him when he feels terrible doing it. I love you. I'm sorry. Let's go. Today, death will be your freedom. -19 hit? -Yes, 19 hits. Okay. It's over with. Oh, God. I love you. Seven. There we go. Oh, not quite dead yet.

He's still alive! He's got a single tear running down his eye. His victory has never felt so empty. We get... Thor, it's your turn. Jay's just like, "Fuck you guys." This isn't so sporting, so the crowd is just kinda like, "Ugh." Yeah, this is more like a stab-stab. You are literally five dudes surrounding this orc after. Traps and bad luck has picked apart its allies. Trey's just shaking his head at all of us every time. And he's the one that buries the biggest axe in the world. He uses a hammer. -He's trapped. -He's two. -He's 32. -Oh, that'll hit. -Oh, shit.

-It's pity at this point. It's a mercy kill at this point. 12. He's dead, ladies and gentlemen. He's so dead. -Trey, do you wanna say a prayer? -His body falls limp. Trey's a priest. He can do very well. -Is this true? -Say a prayer here. -As we all gather around a dead body. -As we all just gather around a dead body. He could be a ninth-level rapist. We don't know. We have no idea. Malchus turns to look at the quiet crowd and says, "Is this what you came for?" -"Are you happy?" -"Are you not entertained?" As he's walking, though, he gets smacked by a trap. No!

Who turned that back on? I just want you to remember, you have to think carefully about whatever backstory you're giving these next guys. Oh, my God. Apparently, I chose poorly. These guys are kid fuckers. All of them. These guys are Catholic priests and the worst kind. -Exactly. -All the kids in town. These are the kind of guys prisoners in prison wouldn't even like. All right, the next battle's up. You guys are fighting eight orcish sodomizers. [LAUGHTER] Wait, wait. Wait. No. Did they get a trial? Did they get a fair trial? I guess I'm gonna scrap the next battle where you guys fight kindergarten teachers. [LAUGHTER] No, we're fine with that.

Kindergarten teachers who voted for free inoculations for youth. Have you seen that "Waiting for Superman" movie? It's over. [LAUGHTER] Do you guys want to take a break before we move on to the next politically charged... -I'm fine, but, yeah, if anybody else wants to. -Okay. I'll move on to the next map. It sounds like Tyler's gonna piss himself. He might have to. -I can't. That is funny. -It was funny. The whole thing. -Oh, Jesus. -So glad. Well, I mean, okay, so Thoril probably wants to use a healing thing, right? How many hit points am I down? I forget. Thanks, Treyas.

-You're down... -I'm down six. It's almost not even worth it. -Treyas is worth it, though. -Yeah, might as well pop one. -I mean, you have ten. -Pop one, put myself up to... I only have seven. -I mean, we have ten for the day. -Yeah. Is anyone else caught on the loading screen? Give it a second. I'm gonna change in just a second. I wanna make sure that I uncheck your encounter powers. Jason's gonna change. So we're all sitting on two action points now, and we have two more battles ahead of us. So if you fire off one in each, get the most out of it. [LAUGHTER] -Complete silence.

-No, I'm silent. How much did you shut the F up about your tactics? I think it's just like this weird awkwardness after killing... I picture you guys sitting on a bench after you're in the back, just like, "I don't even know, man. Why do we do this?" -I'm like strumming a tune. -Why do we fight? Really heartless. You know, just like my heart's... You're strumming the end theme from Punch-Out? One of us is just pacing back and forth while Jay's character's just got his hands buried in his face. He's glaring at all of us. This is your fault. It's bullshit, guys.

Malek is just taking swigs out of a bottle of rum, going, "Do you all ever feel like animals?" [LAUGHTER] -Um, well, uh... -Ira's just pumping his fists, getting ready. He's right back. He's doing good. Um, okay, this seems a little more hollow than it was gonna be, but you guys got 700 gold for that encounter. -So can... -[LAUGHTER] Just imagine, like, fucking Trey is taking the bag and just tossing it down the hall. Hey, Trey, can we keep your fortune? -Fucking worth it, man. -Keep your blood diamonds. -Yeah. -Is Jay here? I haven't heard him. -I'm here. -Okay, cool.

Um... [LAUGHTER] You guys gotta talk to the mayor. You guys are overdue to talk to the mayor anyway, but I wanna hear that in the next... [LAUGHTER] What the fuck, bro? There's gonna be a lot of intimidation checks. This is D&D at its finest. I mean, when you decide what the mission really is... [LAUGHTER] It's not up to me. It's... We'll play through their little games, but the real mission is when we talk to the mayor. I'm just saying, Dungeon Master is a position of servant leadership. -That's what I'm saying. -Yes. Hey, guys, weren't we supposed to map something out?

That was fucking years ago. [LAUGHTER] Let's get back to that. I'm tired of it. That guy's still waiting. He's like, "Are those guys coming back?" I mean, that shit was a long time ago. Um... So... -Those works were... -I don't know if it was a good year ago. I'm gonna leave to the cannon, okay? [LAUGHTER] That was... Those guys were worth a little bit of experience. That's what we get. A little bit of experience. -A little bit. -700 gold for killing. But it was more of a one-to-grow-on type of situation. Um... So... You guys can stop anytime you like. The next round, things get a little more difficult, of course.

Next time, we'll be facing Red Cross volunteers. [LAUGHTER] Katrina donators. Let's go meet our next blood donors. African missionaries. Uh, Jay, do you wanna spend a healing surge? -Sure. -Okay. I don't want to spend any more. [LAUGHTER] You do sound bummed. I feel fat now. [LAUGHTER] You get a plus four to the Constitution buff for healing surges, right? -There you go. -Okay. Just making sure. Pop, pop, pop. -Plus three. You've got money. -Plus three. That's what I was checking. So you spend one, you're two. You don't want to spend another surge to get two more hit points, right?

-Yeah. -You're fine. -Oh, plus four. I'm sorry. I apologize. -You dick. I get my Constitution mixed up with my charisma. That's fine. So do you guys want to continue or do you want to stop? -Or what do you guys want to do? -I'm ready to go. -Treyus, what do you think? -Let's leave this up to Treyus. I put in my vote up to no, but go ahead. [LAUGHTER] This is not what I thought it would be. He can't give us morally bankrupt situations twice in a row. Ian, by the way, has passed two as well. He's passed round two. He killed dozens of innocent people by now, and he's ahead in the leaderboard. [LAUGHTER] I think we've moved past joke.

I think this is social commentary. I will say that this next round is much less morally ambiguous. This is... [LAUGHTER] It's clearly we're awful people. [LAUGHTER] Bring out the cancer patients. All right, beat up these children. [LAUGHTER] This is a bunch of bald kids coming. [LAUGHTER] They're Jewish kids, and that's all they want is to be in their ear. They're heroes. They dropped the Skyrim Dark Brotherhood opener on you. There are three people with bags on their heads. You have to kill one of them. You know what? Earlier, Jason said we'd meet the elf from the forest again.

It's just him. [LAUGHTER] That's the last round. That's the last one. And he's crying. [LAUGHTER] You want money where it goes? [LAUGHTER] Find out that this is the devil's town. [LAUGHTER] - How? - Corrupt anger felony. [LAUGHTER] This is all... It's a game of will now. It has nothing to do with... Okay. The stakes go up in the next round, as this next one will be worth 1,000 gold. And, ladies and gentlemen, this... Pop is what round three looks like. Now, let me tell you a little bit about the arena you'll be fighting in. - It's electric. - It's electric, ladies and gentlemen.

Those four... You see those four little electric arcing bands jumping back and forth? - Yes. - Don't touch those. I don't see anything. You don't see anything? - It's a... - There it is. Yeah. Okay. Hey, Rob left. I'm fixing it. [LAUGHTER] I turned over the metaphorical table and just walked. [LAUGHTER] Now, what are these other two things in the middle of the map? Those... That's tar. That's boiling tar, basically. Don't get knocked into that either. If you get knocked into that, you have two turns before you are just... You sink below and you can't breathe and you die.

Like a teammate either has to help you out or you have to pass a check to free yourself. Because, of course, there's concrete around all that, so you can free yourself from it. It's not a deep hole. Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to fight one of the most dangerous creatures from the surrounding jungle side. You are about to fight three great apes. So you mean they just captured them and then just threw them in here? No, they broke in. [LAUGHTER] These are very dangerous, awful animals that just basically live to rape. They don't even worry about eating, they just rape.

They were caught killing children. They sustain themselves entirely with hatred. They only drink elf blood. And that's all they drink. It's a pretty selective diet. Child elves. Child elves, yes. Well, that's the sweetest. [LAUGHTER] Youngest, more fresh. Don't walk through the electric. Don't do that. All right, initiative. Check. Who's got good nature? Let's take control of one of these guys. - I got a one. - I got a one. What? Tyler, what'd you think? I got a plus eight to nature. Oh, good Lord. Four is not great. Okay, wait. Well, that's initiative first, I guess, right?

Yeah, let's worry about that. No, I was rolling into it here. Yeah, yeah. Justin, you rolled a D10 again. Damn it, really? Oh, man. - No, I didn't. - Four. - There. - You absolutely did roll a D10. - Fourteen. - Okay, there you go. - Hold on a second. - Seven. - Seven. - Better than me. What'd you get again, Dan? Four. Four. Big time. And Malkus. Seventeen, I think. Let's see here. Seventeen. Seventeen. So, Chex, do you have to do it on your move? - Yes. - Okay. I'm not just gonna bang one of them out any time. Does anybody have a better nature than eight? Not this guy. Okay, I'm gonna tell you right off the bat, you're gonna have to get a 20 to take control of one of these guys.

Yeah, I'll have a six. - Yeah, I have a two. - Can I do it from this far away? I thought Justin had a good nature. Of all people, that would be weird. I know, but I thought... The robot who eats his kids? For some reason, I thought he did. He doesn't eat his kids. - No, he's got a plus one. - Okay. So, that'd be you. And does it count as a move, or is that... Well, that's a check. It's not really a move. Okay, but we just have to wait until Tyler's turn. Yes. Justin, you put your Ironhide on the field there? Yeah, I did. I don't see him. He was on the other board. He didn't put him on this one.

Okay, cool, cool, cool. All right. It's gonna be Great Ape's turn. - Great Ape? - Great Ape. - You got it, hockey hair. - Great Ape. Four, five, six... I imagine when they're fucked up looking feet, they can move pretty good, huh? They climb exceptionally well, and they got a few tricks up their sleeve too, so... So they can actually climb the barriers and just start attacking fans. Well, there are guards on the upper level. We need to kill them. You know what? Maybe the world would be a better place if we let them. - All right? - Yeah. - Really? - Yeah, you should be.

Do you really want all these bloodthirsty people out here that we're cheering us on? I can't wait to see where this goes next time. I really can't. I feel like we forged some... We set Jay down a path that's gonna lead to something just awesome. I can't wait to see. - Malchus! - All right. I feel bad for the people who haven't followed our tremendous waste of time that is D&D for the last six or seven months. I feel like we just found the story, guys. It does feel like it just clicked. This is what Jason's been planning all along. - Sure. - Yeah, that's how it works.

All right. Eldritch Bolt, D20+8 versus Reflex, 15? No, he dodged that shit. All right, I'm done. - I got nothing. - That's all I got. Let's see. Great ape number two. Hey, guys. I'm kind of alone over here. I'm gonna be here for a while. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Ironhide. Those of you who can't see at home, there are two horseshoe-shaped tarpets and four electric fields and three very large apes. - Gorillas, if you will. - All right. And it's great ape. I want to say great ape now, God damn it. - Rape ape. - Rape ape. - That's their nickname. - Great rape?

Maybe he's really good at it. He spent a lot of time at Thunderdome honing his rage skill. Since they can't attack, he's gonna take another. Thoril. Do it, Thoril. Nature check. Nature check. - All right. - You're gonna need a 20, dude. - I get a +8. - Yeah, it's D20+8. - He's worth a shot. He doesn't lose anything. - A +8? - A 10. - That's not your turn. You can still go, so... That's funny. I was gonna show you what was gonna happen if you crit missed. - Oh, no. - He's just gonna rape you. Just like that? He just yanked your shorts off. - You keep doing that? - Say what?

Can you keep doing that or is that the only check he can do? After that, they're like, "Hey, asshole." - It's like trying to hypnotize somebody. - "Hey, man." "Hey, dick." "Can I try to do it to the one behind him?" You can try to do it to the next one. You can go down the line. - But the guy right in front of you... - I'm gonna kill this one first. - It's big words. - Yep. Basic attack here. - 30! That is... - Triple crit! 10+9. That's a 19. - Is that a magic weapon? - No. You sure? A battle axe? I thought you... I could've swore you got a magic quality to that.

I had some extra thing, but that's a daily power. - Hold on a second. - The weapon still has a magical property. - It's still... - You just bought something for it. You've got the +1 to attack and damage and the bonus crit dice. - It'll tell you how many crit dice you roll. - All the way down. Critical. +1d12 damage per... - Plus. - Per plus. You have a +1. That's Jesus Christ. Right off the bat, you crit it. What's the max damage with that weapon before the extra crit die? - 19. - Shit. So that's 19. Now roll a d12. - 9. - Fuck. I thought it was d12+1. - No, the crit dice don't get a bonus on them.

- No. No, no, no. Stop trying to cheat. 19. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... - We're not doing good enough. - Stop cheating. - The system cheated. - 28 damage. - I still have my off hand. - Whoops. I took that off you by mistake. - Oh, he's dying. - Sorry. My bad. I accidentally hit myself, critical. The Lord punishing us. - Like you punish those sharks. - These apes had families. They weren't doing just fine in the wilderness. Who are you to judge? You guys have played RPGs where you just kill random things, right? - I always think of the moral implications. - (LAUGHS) Who played Oblivion?

I'm like, "Hmm, that ice rake." - I still got that off hand too. - You still got the off hand. Go ahead. - 14. - That'll miss. But you did good. You pitched a hell of a game. (LAUGHTER) Good. Nothing to be embarrassed about there. He is bloodied already, your first goddamn hit. - Duncan! - OK. So... I can't flank him. I wave my arms in front of the ape. - What the hell are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing, man? - He just strolls on by him. - He's gonna rape you! I guess I could flank him, right, if I go up here. Right there. - You can't get up there. - I can't, because he'll get a thing on me.

- He'll get an attack of opportunity. - He will rape you. You can start going around that electric trap. How many times do we say "rape" when we get together, all the five of us? - I want a rape count. - I think this is an idea. (LAUGHTER) I imagine he's gonna have some kind of pound or bones or something like that. Bones gonna hit both of us with his one fucking fist. Well, I'd have to do that or do a range attack on him, but my range attack sucks. - Yeah, but you can sing to him. - That's what I'm doing right now. You can't sing to him when you stand in front of him, man.

That's the only way I can sing to him. - You've got a weak voice. - I'm gonna sing "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel. Oh, my God. Could you write down all of these and just... How was I supposed to? I'm gonna be on Frostwire all night by Peter Gabriel. - I have a feeling his next one is gonna be... - 28, you got him. - Brass Monkey. - That's a funky monkey. It was gonna be "Last Train to Georgia" by the Monkees. - That's Clarksville. - "Last Train to Knoxville"? - Clarksville. - Clarksville. - That's not real. - You're thinking Midnight Train to Georgia. 11. We're old.

- 11, so... - Yeah. (LAUGHTER) All that for that. God damn it. - 11, ladies and gentlemen. - 11. And, Justin, if you hit him, then you get four temporary hit points. - When I hit him. - When you hit him. And it is... Speaking of which, Tracy's turn. That's a bad segue. - Speaking of Justin... - Let's talk about Jeremy. - Welcome to battle. - 13. Oh, shit. That will not hit, sir. I'm gonna put Damage Reduction on Oththoril. - Very nice. - Good teammate. Wait. My magic armour, is that already counting up plus one for AC? - Is that already added up? - It automatically does the math for you.

- Oh, shit. - Yeah. So... So, let's see here. Monkey... Monkey. Great Ape is going to... This is Great Ape 3 and he's gonna attack Oththoril. - Adequate Monkey. - Adequate Monkey. (LAUGHTER) He's gonna use Felling Blow. And that's gonna incorporate a little move called Slam. ♪ Da da da da da da ♪ Let the boys be boys. - No one remembers that song. I'm super old. - I remember it. - That's fine. - House of Pain. Thank you. Oththoril, you get Damage Reduction. So, first, let's see if he hits you. 25. That's gonna hit. So, let's do Damage for that. That's 2d6 plus 5. - Snake Eyes.

- Snake Eyes. 13, so that's 11. - It's 2 Damage Reduction, right? - I think so, yeah. OK, now, here's the kicker. I get to do that again. (LAUGHTER) So... If both of them hit you, you get knocked prone. - 20. - Shit. - That hit you. - Yeah, that's my AC. Yeah, so that's lucky for the monkey. Bam, 15. So that's 13. And you are prone, sir. And bloodied. And bloodied. You're down to 8 hit points. So, these monkeys hit like a fucker, so just... There are no more applications for me anymore here. Well, they're defending themselves. - Where's Pita? - Where's Pita? They don't exist.

- Yeah, they do. - Not in this world. - Not in this world. - Malchus... We could argue all day about how much fucking... - Let's not turn this... - How much wood... Woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could. How much chuck would get wood? (LAUGHTER) - Who's Chuck? - The guy from the TV show? - Don't bring Chuck into this. - Yeah. - Chuck's a fucker, OK? - Who? - Malchus! - From the show? - The show Chuck. - All right... - I don't know, Jace. I just repeated what I heard before from other jokes. It could be that same guy... ...where that show was even made. That's how you whiff.

That's... That's what that is. I like how Rob will take his attacks subtly in the background, so that there's no build-up or anything like that. So if he hits awesome, if he doesn't... Move along. Back into the shadows here. I wish I could do that, but I painted myself in this corner where I have to pick a song every time. This is true. That's canon now. Great Ape is going to... Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. He's gonna get you. He's going to use Felling Blow, which is an encounter power against Malchus. You gentlemen may remember what that does. Two slams. Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. So what the monkey did to me is an encounter power. - It's not just some normal power. - No, no, no. That's an encounter power. His regular power is Slam, and then Felling Blow... Don't try and make up for it now. You didn't react the first time. I was coughing. I was on mute. That's okay. [SIGHS] 2D6 plus 5... 8. So that's 8 to Malchus. And I know you get some crazy roid rage power when someone hits you. Yeah, I'll hit him with my Retaliation Fire Deelie, Infernal Wrath. - Okay. - It's crazy when you touch this stuff. And so that does 6 automatic damage to him?

Yeah, no attack roll. Okay. And that's an encounter. You can tick that off if you want. So the crowd just witnessed this fucking ape... punch the shit out of you, and then you hit him back. And now he's gonna swing at you again. Oh, I'm not done either. No. 20. That'll hit all of my defenses. [LAUGHS] And so he's gonna take another swing at you. You are knocked prone, and you just did 9 more damage to you. So I don't know if you get a retaliatory attack just before you get prone. No, you don't. So you're down. Nothing else. All right, so... Hey, Thoril. [LAUGHS] Hey, girl.

I don't think you could really ask me to do much of anything right now. - He's holding in his intestines. - You're prone too, aren't you? - Yep. - Sort of laying down right now. - Hey, Tres. - You guys are just... [LAUGHS] You guys are just laying next to each other. How you doing? Look at them! What encounter power was that that you used, Blazing Doom? - That was Infernal Wrath. - Infernal Wrath, OK. They're all so goddamn similar. - Yeah, I know. - And the monkeys are just laying in the corner. [LAUGHS] It's kind of like how R.O.H. pays their pay-per-view. Bloodfart with the Painful Taco.

- Ironhide, it's all you. - Oh, shit. - It's all on you, champ. - Oh, God. I'm going to use Burning Blade. It's one of my dailies. [MUMBLING] And you did it. - Hey. - 19. - AC? - Yeah. - That'll hit. - [GRUNTS] Now I have fire damage, you know, whatever. Two... D10s. Plus six for a modifier. - Does 14 damage. - 14's very respectable. And now for the rest of this combat, my sword's on fire, which does plus two damage. - Very nice. - Awesome. - And I'm also going to... - Shift? - Yeah. Cartwheel. - OK. [LAUGHS] I like how he doesn't just slide. Nope, it's got to be a cartwheel.

- And you're done? - Yes. Which has got to be exciting for the crowd to see, a cartwheeling robot. Oh, yeah, fighting giant apes. [LAUGHS] Um, let's see here. Great Ape is going to use his encounter power on Duncan. Yes, that's why I cartwheel. So you put... Wait. [LAUGHS] We're supposed to be a team here. Come on. He did warn you not to stand there. You ran up to him and his face started singing at him. - What do you think it's going to have? - He did say, and I quote, "You're going to get raped." [LAUGHS] So that's 21, so that's going to hit you. Duncan really only sees this as being good for publicity.

- That's the only reason he's here. - It's the only time. That's about as low as you can go. Wait. Uh, isn't that a critical miss? No? No? No. 12? Since when is a 12 a critical miss? - 2D6. It's 1. - That's damage. Plus 4. Plus 5. There was two dice, so the one plus four, the two dice they rolled. - No five. - 18? - 18 misses you, doesn't it? - Misses, yeah. Oh, so you're not knock-prone and you didn't get hit a second time, so... Good. And he's used that encounter power and it is... - Thoril's turn. - I took one for the team. I took one for the team. I imagine you're going to stand up there, Thoril.

Well, I don't imagine I could probably hit them laying down. You could swing at them laying down, I believe. - You can? - At a minus 2. - Yeah, it's not smart. - I wouldn't recommend it. Can you give up? What is using a healing surge? Is that a primary or...? Well, he could just use a movement by standing. Yeah, I know, but I'm just asking... And then probably using a healing surge would probably be smart. - Is that a minor action? - No. - It's a standard. - Standard, unless you're a healer. Okay, I've got... You said we have two action points, right? - Yeah. - Core rats.

Okay. So, yeah, I'll pop a healing surge for my main... - Main thing there for 8. - Yep. And then I'll use an action point to give myself an extra... - Major... - Yep. Another turn, yeah. Well, you get another either movement or... - Standard action. - Standard action. Yeah, standard action. There we go. Okay, so, yeah, I'll use that to attack number 3. See if I can get him out of here. - 25. - 25 will hit. 10 plus 9... 18. 18 will hit, and he's wavering, but not dead. Let's see if I can hit it. - 18. - 18 will hit. All right. I'm sure no matter what I roll, I've killed him, but...

- D6 plus 8, 11. - That'll kill him. He's dead. He falls forward with just this tremendous thud, just this huge fucking ape toppling over. Like three or four Brodus Clay stacked on top of each other. I'm going on the assumption that number 2 is already far too deep into it for us to try to turn him onto our side... to do a nature check. I mean, he pretty worked into a frenzy by now, but I mean, you know... What with the knocking the shit out of Malchus and hitting him till he's prone? Look, we don't have to talk about it. I'm sorry. Yeah, he only... You only have one action point, you know.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I just didn't know if maybe that the check would count as a... Right, but you used your action point already. You're out of action points. Just making sure you understand. Because I think Rob said you had two. - Yeah, we all do. - You had one. You start the day with one and then we've gone through two encounters. - Oh, okay. - Okay. Cool, cool. Gotcha. So there you go. All right. - The more you have... - This monkey's kind of a hassle. I feel as though if we knew we were gonna be fighting monkeys... You know, we should have done something to prepare for this.

- Bring bananas. - Yeah. - I know, that was awful. - Duncan, it was. Duncan, your turn. So I can't move next to him and flank him without getting hit, right? - No, you shift one. - Oh, again? - Yeah. - Then I'll shift right there. - There you go. Now you're flanking. - So I'm gonna do Inspire and Refrain. As an encounter. The song will be Love is a Battlefield by Pat Benatar. - It is too, isn't it? - It is. It truly is. And all this is about is love. So it's actually G20 plus 12, I guess, because I'm flanking. And... 18. - 18 will hit? - Yes, okay. - Seriously? - Yeah.

Fucking monkeys are fucking no bueno. I like how words failed you half with the message. No monkey, good. I'm saying these monkeys really suck. - Okay, well... - Say 17. 17 damage, goddamn, very nice. Also, Justin, you get a plus one power bonus to attack rolls. Until the end of my next turn. And Mr. Monkey here is beyond bloodied. Very, very good. You all done? Yeah, I'm good. - Shreyas! - How you doing over there, Malchus? If they burn their encounters, you don't need to heal me yet. - I can take another hit. - Okay. You are on the ground, just letting you know.

- Yeah, but... - I'm just saying. - Within arm's reach. - Behind him. And then Blessings of Battle. - 28. - Wow, that's a critical. - No. - What? - Blessings of Battle. - No, 18. - 18, yeah. - Fuck, yeah. But yeah, 28 definitely hits. Goddamn, Love is a Battlefield stuck in my head now. 14. Very nice, very nice. Hey, Jarek. - What? - Putting damage reduction on Malchus. Thank you. Try really hard to kill this guy, because I'm afraid he's gonna turn around and hit me and knock me into the tar. Wouldn't that be great if he crits? Oh, my God, that would be so awesome. I mean, not...

Malchus. Malchus stands up. Toss himself off. Starts all over again. Takes his neck back and forth, pops it. And that's his minor. All right, gonna do Blazing Doom with the Vulcoid, 'cause I still have that. I'm so tired of that. All your moves sound like a bad Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. I don't know, that sounds like a good Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. There is none. They say interesting names to them. Trick question, Dan. You're fucking wrong. I'm sorry I didn't learn Hit Dude. The kickboxer was okay. 20 versus Fortitude. Yeah, that'll hit. -Oh, good. -You okay?

It sounds like you're losing your voice. Oh, just a little raspy, yeah. I'll make it. I'll power through. -You're a trooper. -For the people. Are there any damage boosts on me now from anyone? No, Dan's on the other side of the field. No one loves me. 21 fire necrotic damage. Very nice. He is beyond bloodied. He's down. Down to one knee. Action point. I don't want him to get another action. So... Soul Eater. It's gonna be... I can't... So plus 13 with flanking and he's bloodied. -33 crit! -Crit! -So... -Holy shit. Yeah, 'cause it's 21 plus a d6. Oh, yeah, you're done. So dead. 23.

Paste. Yeah, he's very, very, very dead. The crowd goes apeshit. No pun intended. Yeah! You liar. That was so apeshit. Okay, fine. I wasn't... Right now, you're the guy over the loudspeaker. The crowd goes apeshit. Seriously, we just got stabbed through the fucking heart. Can you throw me three temporary hit points, Jason? I sure can. Thank you. That's how that works? We can just do that? Sure. You just have to ask politely. That's all right. -You're gonna spot me a 10? -No problem. This game's broken. Dude, that's so cold. The DM is easily bullied. -He just wants to be people's friends.

-He does. I just wanna be your friends. Ironhide, your turn. All right. The fact that... Wait. I'm flanking, so that's 2. -Plus 2. -And I'm also getting a plus 1 from... -Yeah, so you get plus 3? -Yeah, from the Sing Songs. That is 13. -27. That hits. -27 will hit. I'm telling you, 'cause we're friends. Six... eight... And it's 15 damage. Oh, very nice. The ape topples backwards and almost clips Duncan into the tar pit, falls and just cracks his head on the cement. Dead. Ladies and gentlemen... Well, gentlemen, no ladies here ever. That got sad for just half a second.

-Single tear. -No later. You have cleared round three. Give yourselves a round of applause. Nothing morally ambiguous there. You've netted yourselves 1,000 gold. So we're 2,200 up as a party so far? So we got 40 minutes for round four. You sure do. Now, you have the choice to take that and walk away, or go for the gold, so to speak, and enter for round four. Round four is worth 2,500 gold. -By itself? -By itself. This is like Family Feud. The first three rounds don't matter. Well, there's a reason. -Can I say something, though? -Sure. I want you guys to clean up because you look fucking pathetic right now.

-I said rape me and fall on me. Give me a break. -Well... He didn't swing at me, but still. -Half of you are bloody... -You dodged him on me. That's why he didn't swing at you. You dodged. You're fine. -I'm a dwarf. I'm rolled. -Mouth-to-mouth sets of rhythm. I mean, it's up to you. You will be fighting a creature, I can say that much. -One creature? -Wait, I don't get it. I thought we were just fighting the other dude. -No. -No, no. Ian's doing the same thing that you're doing. Ian and his guys. And he made it to round four. Guys, we've come this far. -We can't... -Yeah, let's do this one.

It's too late to walk away. -It's never too late for now. -We don't lose everything, right? -No. No, no. -Well, if we lose, we lose everything -because we're all dead. -Yes. That's the point. I guess it's that... It was a silly question in hindsight, wasn't it? -You answered it, though. -Well, I mean... All right, I want you guys to know something. Oh, he offered. If Malchus dies today, I'm rerolling a psionesis. That's it. That's all I want to know. After we find this story, wouldn't it be horrible if that's what... It took us six months to get really attached to these characters.

I feel like Jay's kicking the commissioner's office next to me. It was possible. If we all get to the point where four of us are dead, can one of us escape? That way we can keep the story going with one character? I cannot... I mean, when you... Never mind. We'll see what happens. When you step into a... Comedy is a thing that you do. So, Tyler, you want to spend a couple of healing surges, I imagine? Yeah. I'll fire off two for Malchus. But, Dan, if someone escapes, the new party that joins him has to meet him wearing an eyepatch and living in shame. Right, right.

Like a fucking Final Fantasy character. -Yeah. -Are you hiding by... And he owns the airship. -Virtuer of Hallyu. -Change your name to Sid. Yeah. Now you're Sid. Congratulations. You were promoted to Sid. I add in the four, Jason. Pop. Okay. You guys are ready. Does anyone want to go get a drink or anything? -No. Drinks are for losers. -Okay. -Rakes are for pussies. -Anyone have to make pee-pee? We could? All right, guys. So you're about to fight something you haven't fought before. -And it's... -It's bigger than a bread box. It's much bigger than a bread box. There's only one of them.

Um... The only thing I can say is that be thankful you're fighting on concrete instead of sand or dirt. Sand. Sand. Uh, ladies and gentlemen... Say hello to round four. It's a sawlak. It's a giant purple worm. Oh, it's the plant monster from Halo 2. -It's... -Sidemen. Now, technically, this is a young version. Which, I mean, usually the larger versions start around level 22, something like that. Can you tell us what the moral implications of defeating him would be? Don't die. Look at all this... A dramatic reduction in the cost of worm sausage nationwide. This...

Okay. There is nothing redeemable about this worm. Nothing. He does not do anything but kill and murder and eat. And, like, he is... Huge. Jason, you guys are fighting the embodiment of sin, all right? Roll with me. [LAUGHTER] I'm not... Any, like, traps or anything around here? Uh, now, the only thing in this arena... Uh, is two walls on the side there. You'll see. -That you can high bind? -Uh, basically, yes. That's the only... Yep, there you go. I was doing that with my cursor, but you can't see it. -I don't know why I did that. -Well, if it helps you explain, then whatever.

Over here. And this in the center is just more or less for decoration. Yeah. So, let me add the party. And then let me add the worm. -The worm's already in there, Jason. -Yep. Well, I'm talking about for the initiative. So, you guys roll for initiative. Let me know what you get. Two. [LAUGHTER] Ooh, that's... -That's two. -Goes. Come on, God damn it. Give me a good fucking roll. Fifteen is whatever. It's good. -It's okay. -Twelve. Twelve. Me robot. [MIMICS SOUNDS] Seventeen. Seventeen. Should have plenty of time for you guys to finish this one way or the other. [LAUGHS] I'm running.

Okay, Rob said he's grabbing a sandwich. Fucker. He said he rolled initiative, so... So, who's gonna charge it first? Four. He got a four. So, I don't really think attacking it from all sides is really gonna be an option, 'cause I imagine he's just... Can he burrow underground, or is he just kinda like, bleh? The only reason he can't burrow underground, and normally he would, and that would make this fight much more difficult, is the fact that you guys are on cement. You're on concrete and stone. So, that's the only thing. So, he's basically... But make no mistake, he still gets around.

There's... I mean, he's going to be whipping around. He's not gonna do any surprise attacks, though. -Did he just roll a 25? -Nothing. -How? -The worm did, yes. -God damn. -Yeah, so he's going first. Yeah. Did you do just a whole bunch of other initiatives? That's your... Every time we do this, we go over this. I have to enter in your initiative manually. Oh, shit. Yes, that's not me cheating. I swear I'm not cheating. All right, fine, Jace. I don't even give a shit anymore, man. -What's up, Cheating? -You asked. You're throwing like 15 extra health points, thanks. No problem, buddy.

You be my friend. [LAUGHTER] -Is that the worm? -Sure. [LAUGHTER] High five. Wait, you just reminded me I have no hands. Now I'm in a fury. Oh, nature check. Tyler. No fucking way. Let me tell you that. It's worth a shot. It doesn't hurt anything. The apes were worth a shot, because they're kind of almost human. Like, I mean, you could reason with... This is a giant purple worm. This thing is like 40 feet long and just... You said it was a kid. It's impressionable. It's young for a wor... Like a baby T-Rex is still a fucking T-Rex. -Like it's still... -It's got its whole life ahead of him.

Yep. [LAUGHTER] So, what you're saying is we need to do a nature check, right? A history check. We haven't done a history check this evening. What's my... Can I intimidate him? No, no, J. You gotta remember, it had its whole life ahead of him. -That came here. -Oh, that's adorable. Yeah, these things eat whole caravans and they... I mean, they're terrible. These things eat whole carrots. I got a problem on intimidation. I was gonna fight with my street wife. [LAUGHTER] Turns out this worm is very well connected. He knows all the ins and outs happening in Overdale.

So, what are we doing here? We're waiting for Rob. Rob and his precious sandwich. Ooh! I got a 26 on insight. On the worm. -You gotta put up a point on it. -Find out this worm's true intentions. [LAUGHTER] -He just roared. -I think he's fine. Is he telling the truth? -He wants to kill you. -You know what sucks? I just wasted that fucking crit. It was probably gonna pop up. [LAUGHTER] I pulled Ryback's theme. On the off chance that something cool and beefy would happen. I've really not had a chance to play it yet. -I wanna hear him say meat on the table. -I said feed me more earlier.

-You should've done it then. -Huh? Feed me. [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] Does he say meat on the table? Feed me more. Feed me more. I know there are lyrics to this. -Feed me more. -Here we go. Here we go. Hold on. [ROCK MUSIC PLAYING] God damn it. I think he says "meat on the table." -Hey, guys, I got an idea. -Yes? Take the worm away, and when Rob comes back, we'll say we beat him already. Or take Rob away, and we'll say he's dead. We did an intimidation check. [LAUGHTER] I did a diplomacy check, and we're cool now. He's gonna be the new bodyguard for the mayor. That is after we have a stern talk with him.

-Yeah. -Yes, that's after. Uh, let's see here. How about a religion check on the worm? He's a strict Catholic. [LAUGHTER] No guy's gonna rape us. -We got a 12. -I got a +10 on my streetwise. Oh, we already did a street-- No, we didn't do a streetwise check, did we? -I did a 5. -Oh. Well, I'll get better than that. There, 24, streetwise. Jason? What? I'm ignoring you openly at this point. Like, I just... What else are we gonna do? Sit here in silence? That's true. You're right. I'm being rude. I got a 19 on nature check. -Oh, take him off! -He's on our side. -He's on our side.

-Tyler rides the worm. [LAUGHTER] That's like, "Come here." I'm gonna take this city back. I'm gonna try to ride it here. I got a 14 on acrobatics. That would actually be pretty cool with you. 'Cause he's an enemy that's so large that you could actually use that to your advantage in some. Or he could destroy you, wreck your anus terribly. -I don't know. -Jesus. We don't know yet. It's too soon to tell. -Rob, did you say you're back? -I am. -"Hey, Rob, do you wanna eat your sandwich for a minute?" -I am. I mean, my initiative's last, so... That's true. You're right.

We could've been going, actually. This isn't last. I am last. -I'm worse than you. I am. -It's fuller. I am second. Let's see here. One second. [clears throat] Uh... okay. Uh, so, Mr. Worm's going first, ladies and gentlemen. Worm has a 25 initiative. So let's see here. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. -Jesus. -And he's gonna take a second move action instead of attacking. -Oh, fuck. -One, two. -All right. -Thoril, you're up. -Thoril. -Thoril, your turn. -No better person. -Thoril. Oh, shit. I just looked at the map again. What the fuck happened?

I love when your voice cracks at just the right time. -We all get shot. -Oh, shit. I fucking love that. Okay. Um... -Have at it, champ. -Beat on the table. -Here there's one jukebox. -Yeah, well, um... -Yeah, looks like I'm gonna go. -You have no other choice but to accept this. Seventeen. I'm not prepared for this sort of anarchy. Okay, so I'm gonna try to do this all in one shot right here. Seventeen. Does that do it? Uh, no. How about if I use heroic effort? No. But you can't ask that and then do it like it's more of a... -Wait, is it a two or a four? -Four. -Yeah, I'll let you.

-God damn silly Billy. Four does it. Silly Billy. Billy Billy. Fine, I use heroic effort on him. Heroic effort! You hit him. All right. Um, I don't know if I can use two encounter powers at once. I think... Uh... -I think you can. -Yeah, I think you're fine. Then I wanna use power strike two. What does it add in extra weapons? Uh, it's just an extra D10 for my damage. All right, go ahead. Plus nine. -Thirty-two! -Ooh! Thirty-two is very nice. -Damn. -Yeah, you're gonna wanna burn everything you guys got 'cause this is gonna get nasty quick. -Twenty plus nine. -Now it's nine at the time.

Shit. Wait, two D20? -Two-- -Oh, shit! You did, dude. Yeah, you dickhead. -Nah, two D10. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Also, I took that off you. Off you for some reason. -And you're dead. -And I'm dead. Immediately. I keep doing that. Why do I keep doing that tonight? -Two D10 is just nine. -Now, tuck it up. Twenty-one. Okay, twenty-one. Off the worm this time. He's doing the worm. -What? That's the only thing you can do. -In the B with his D. Oh, God. Okay, um, and now you get another swing. Or you did that already. It was a crit miss, wasn't it? -Uh... -I'll let you go ahead again.

I guess. -Twenty-six. -Twenty-six. That hit. Go ahead. Thanks, cool DM. Eight, eleven. So, if I could... Might as well pop that extra action point now to just do this again. Well, the action point only gives you one swing. It doesn't... -I believe. -Yeah. -That's one more swing. -Okay, I'm just making sure. That doesn't give you another... 'Cause the power strike you've already used, so okay. Yeah, that's cool. I just get that one more swing. You might as well... If I don't do it now, I might die before I get a chance to do it again. -Exactly. -I don't know. Twenty-four.

Twenty-four hit. All right. D10 plus nine. Fifteen more. Fifteen. So you are just hacking and slashing at this worm. Crowd's going fucking crazy. Crowd's loving it. And the worm's just starting to reel back. It's kind of going up on its haunches. You're done or you get an off-handed weapon again? -Do I? -The off-handed attack only happens once per round. -Okay, okay. -Just... I knew there was a rule on that. Just fiercely masturbating. All this build-up for that. -Meat on the table attack. -Meat on the table. Here's my boner. -Uh, go ahead and hide. -Go ahead and hide.

-Have a quick question? -Yes. I know it's Justin's turn. When he gets to my turn, if I were to shift over right next to the left side of Thorol, will I cause an attack of opportunity? -Uh, yes. -No, he's moving. Well, if you go back... No, he's talking about the left side of Thorol. Just back... -I forgot to use my minor object. -Technically, you're adjacent. Well... -Go ahead. I'll let you. -It was just real quick. I was gonna use an oak squint... -Yeah. -Oak skin... -That's probably... -To gain resistance to damage. -Compared to ass beatings. -Compared to my wisdom modifier, so...

Two. Okay, that's good. You're gonna need that. Um... Yeah, I mean, like, you're technically adjacent to him right now. -So you can shift one square. -I don't know. If I need to get to that side of him, though, will I call it... Like, if I... I mean, if... Whatever way I do it, is there a way I can get over there without... You know, legally, without him... The only thing you could do right now is shift one square or roll to get away. Jason, I already used Burning Blade, so you might wanna put a check on that. Let me see here. Burning Blade. Yeah, you did. Thank you.

No problem. So, like, you can disengage. You could roll to disengage and then back up and get to the other side of him if you need to, or... -You know. -Okay. My turn, right? -All right, it's my turn. -I'm actually starting to like Ryback's theme. One, two, three, four, five, six. Okay. Now I'm flanking him, right? -Uh... -Yeah. Side to side or corner to corner, so he does have flanking with Thoril. -Oh, yeah. -Yep, you're good. I'm gonna use... So you're backed by his giant, like, his ass, like his giant tail. -His caboose. -Caboose. -His caboose is loose. -His young pussy.

I'm gonna use Green Flame Blade. -Ugh! -21. -21 will hit. -Oh, my God! Six, ten. -Do nine damage. -Nine damage. All that for nine damage. Okay. -I'm gonna use my Action Point, though. -Okay. I'm gonna use... You get one more Action Point. -Huh? -You get one more Action Point after this? Good. But only one per battle. Only one per battle, no matter how many you have stocked up. Oh, well, then it doesn't matter. -Yeah, it's kinda fun. -There you go. I'm gonna use Whirling Blade. -Oh, already? -Caboose. It's ten, but it's 12 now, because I say so. It's very important. -Fifteen.

-That'll miss. Die, you... What happens if it misses? That's... You used it, yeah, if multiple people are on the field. There it's not, so... Yes, but what if I target Jay? Sure, but I'll allow that, too. So you're done, right? Yeah, go ahead. I don't even fucking care about my life anymore. -Treyus! -And Malkus. -Malkus. -Yeah. How many squares can you move? -Six. -Okay. Thank you. -Okay. -I'm gonna shift over one. -I'm going to use Nimbus of the Holy Shield. -My daily. Hmm. Just gonna get this out of the way. -Rolling 29. -Okay, that'll hit. -Okay, so first things first damage.

-Good script. So Wisdom Modifier Radiant Damage, I don't know what that means. Let me see here. Wisdom Modifier Radiant Damage. -It's all in the... It's all ready to go. -It's on the Bible. It's on the Bible. 1d8+7, so the math is already done for you down there. -Okay. -Yeah. -15. Oh, max damage. 15. -Oh, well, there you go. 15. Everybody within two squares of me gains a plus two defenses until the end of the encounter. -Until the end of the encounter. -Nice. Very handy. Very, very handy. And I'm going to use an action point. Use Blessings of Battle. So does that include me or not?

I can't tell. -You're within two. -One, two. You're good. Everybody but Justin. -We own the jade worm. -And the worm. The worm also gone. And then do this again. 16? Sounds like a question. No, that does not. Heroic Effort? -Yeah. -Okay, good. And... let me see. Plus seven. -Roll. -11 damage. -11 damage. Very good. -And I'm paying the damage reduction on Thoril. -All righty. Cool. -He should be pretty well fortified. All right. Damage reduction. And he has plus two to defensive rolls. -Yes. -Or defensive... Yeah. Okay. AC. Okay. -All defenses, right? -All defenses. Yeah. Okay. -Whatever Rob...

-Got a question. -This thing's dangerous. -And pray. If I use the shift ability for my... for my move action, and I shift back here, is that okay? -Yeah. -Oh, wow. -Endless opportunity. -That's an easy way to disengage. -Endless. -Malchus. -Malchus. -All right. The only problem with that is you'd be taking away the flank from anyone else. I don't even fucking care at this point. You're on my last nerve. I'll step in flank with Jerrick and... Soul Eater. Read on the table. -I will miss terribly. -Oh. Um... You got her too. It's not bad. -Almost a crit. -Almost a crit. -I'm gonna get that on a T-shirt.

-I'm gonna wait it out. I'm gonna stay. -I'm gonna wait it out. See where he's going with this. Duncan! Well, I'll move over here. Don't get any kind of bonus. Thanks, guys. Jerbs. They've taken up all the available worm slots. -I know, right? -Take a look at those Jerbs. I'm gonna use my daily Slayer song. So pick a song from Slayer. I don't know any Slayer songs. Um... I'm sure there's one that has to do with killing something. So use that one. -D20 plus 10. Nope. Goddamn it. -Crit miss. Wow. Goddamn it. We're gonna kill ourselves. Well, maybe if I could use the... No, it wouldn't have fixed it.

That wouldn't have fixed it either. We don't know how the gods would have changed things if I could have used it. Dan, if there's an effect entry, that still happens. There is. Also, miss is half damage. I don't know. -But a crit miss. I guess... -Right, Cold War? Sure. Why not? -Hold on while I take more volume. -You want to party? Sure. However. So, okay, a crit miss, even a crit miss, I guess half damage. So roll damage and we'll take half of that. So that's 2d8 plus 5. -So, 4.5. No. -Four damage. And then, also, until the end of the encounter, when I hit the enemy, the enemy grants me combat advantage.

Or, it grants all of us combat advantage until the end of my next turn. Okay, cool. So... -That's it. That's all I'm doing. -Okay. It's the worm's turn, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for the worm to take his turn. -You win. -You have one of my encounter powers checked. -Do I? -Do it. -Okay. You're cool. -Yeah. You're all good. I fixed it. I love you. -Uh-huh. -(LAUGHS) Welcome to Walmart. I love you. (LAUGHS) The worm, again, kind of is on its back haunches and he is going to lunge forward. Uh... Let's see here. I want to make sure that I do this correctly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(LAUGHS) Aiming his dick at our anuses. -Uh, he's gonna lunge right at Tyler. -Okay. That's only because Tyler's backing it up for him. Uh, does a 12 hit your reflex, Tyler? -Uh, 12? -Yeah. -Uh, no. -Okay. Good. Then he misses. Okay. I am athletic. (HUMMING) Athletic. -Uh... -That was it? -That's it. -Wow. -That's it. -What a pussy. (LAUGHS) Uh, go ahead, Thor. All right, um, first, yeah, I can use my minor action for my, uh, regular one, right? -Mm-hmm. -If it's just a... Okay, yeah. Uh, I'll use an Aspect of the Regal Lion. It'll be a +2 power bonus to my attack roll and a +2 power bonus to defenses against larger, larger enemies.

-Okay. -And I'm just gonna go on an assumption that this is a large enough enemy. -Yes. -It's a huge, yep. (LAUGHS) All right, so the extra two... Uh, melee basic attack is a 19. -Jesus. -Miss. That is a miss, sir. -Well, um... -That was fun. Any historical effort there? Yeah, I did it last time. I did... I popped everything at once on my last turn. Uh, Ironhide. Oh, shit. Was I expecting this? Um, I'm going to use... Green Flame Blade. I've decided... (LAUGHS) ...to do what I always do. On the script. 30. Uh, so, yeah, that hits. Roll for damage. Hmm, what's this? Six. And... do nine damage.

Nine damage. Okay. Another nine damage. (BEEPS) I'm gonna put a Geass of Assault on him. Okay. And I'm gonna go back here. (LAUGHS) -Uh, okay. -I know this is gonna fuck everybody, and I'm not trying to be Gloryhug. -Yeah, you are. -But it seems as though we have him beat, I'm gonna say. (LAUGHS) Sure. We pinged him. I mean, he's a big target, right guys? I'm gonna start a new victory life, guys. You proceed. (LAUGHS) I'm gonna be back here, running. (LAUGHS) We'll split the money. What the fuck? Trace, your turn. Hmm. Can I shift over... Sorry, can I shift over, like, right here?

-Sure. -Okay. So at least we're getting blinking or something going on there? Justin left us to go make the parade floats. -Yep. -(LAUGHS) Uh, let me see... Two... Blessings of battle. Parade float being calling other people to see if they need a flake on their team. -Uh, that's gonna be... -21. -Oh, uh... -Oh, that's d12, sorry. Oh, yep, that is d12. Yeah. No. -Oh! -24 hit. Nice. Mm-hmm. Good enough for poke. (CHUCKLES) When do you absolutely have to leave there, Tyler? -13. -13. Um, I still got a little bit, especially considering I actually took my shower before all of this, so...

Oh, rocking, rocking, rocking. -Yeah. -Cool, cool. Try not to make it too long. -Dare introduction on Tyler. -Okay. -So that's two, right? -Yep. All right. Uh, let's see here... Malkus! All right, uh... Soul Eater. I don't have flanking, so I'll just regular... 19 versus Armor Class? -Gonna miss. -Didn't think so. Okay, then I will shift back. And that'll do. I'm gonna whistle and slowly walk backwards. Getting the fuck out of here. I gotta find new angle now. -Uh, okay, you're done? -Yeah, yeah. Don't get... All right, I'm gonna hang out there. -You're flanking, by the way.

-Yes, yes, I know. Thank you. I'm gonna do Inspiring Refrain, which is my encounter. I will use Scotty Q Hottie's theme song. And I will... -Bang in it, bang in it, bang in it. -Oh. -32, crit, crit. -Damn. Okay, let me tell you what happens now. You go ahead and do that, and then I'll tell you what happens. -Because you've got a fuck in the back. -Do I want to? -Do I win? -Oh, yes, you win. You win. Um, that's a 2d8 plus 5. So that's 16, that's 21. And then plus my crit die, which I believe was 6, is that right? -Uh, 1d6, yeah. -Probably. So 21 plus 6, 27. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's 1d6. Oh, I rolled an 8. I'm sorry, I accidentally meant to roll a 6. There, 6 anyway. There you go. Uh, so wait, okay. What was your damage roll originally, 32? Yeah, it was 2d8 plus 5. So that was 21 plus 6. -Okay. -Which is 27. So... -Okay, just checking. -And now everyone gets combat advantage against him regardless of the flanking, because I have that thing still going. In addition to that, everyone within five squares of me gets one plus power bonus to their attack rolls until they get to their next turn. -Okay. -So... -Uh, now, you... -That's plus three.

You sink your blade into him, it's a critical hit. Crowd goes fucking crazy, you just plunge it into him. The worm goes berserk. And takes a swing at everyone adjacent to him. -Oh, look at that. -Who's that? Uh, so let's see here. He's going to use bite. Uh, it's just kind of... I'm sorry, thrash. Uh, thrash is pretty much the same kind of thing. Uh, 18 versus Traeus' armor class, that's gonna miss. -Yep. -Uh, now the Thorol. -17. -Nope. -And a Duncan. 13. -No. -Jesus Christ. -Well, one more time. -Uh, but there's no reason. -Let's do it. See, that would have hit me.

-I'm smart. -It would have hit me because Malchus would have been first. -Um, probably. -Whatever. We could do what-ifs all day. -It would have hit somebody. -I'm a little disappointed that it didn't hit anybody. Now it's the young worm's turn. -So... -What the hell's going on? Somebody threw down their headset and, like, discourse or something? Shh. -Hello? -It's done? -Uh, let's see here. -Oh, I was typing and my microphone was near my keyboard. -Ah, Jesus Christ. -We're punching the keys as hard as you can, sweating all over it. He was typing with his headset.

Um... Okay, the worm's gonna lean back and try to devour Tyler Hole. -Wow. -Oh, shit, wow. -Don't let him. -Wait, what? Uh, if this roll is higher than your reflex, then he eats you whole. Uh-huh. -30. It's a crit. -Fuck me! So Tyler's gone forever? Um, well, he's in the worm. Can you attack him from within? Can you attack him from within? You ever hear the story of Jonah and the Whale? No. Set fire to him or something. Stick him. You're inside, man. I like that. Uh, I also go right behind him, which... There. Flank it. Um, so basically what happens is now you are... Uh, you technically don't exist on this battlefield anymore.

You are in the wor... Yes, basically, you are... There's no condition for "swallowed surprised." You're surprised, let's say. Um, so you are in the worm and surprised. Um, now what happens is this worm is filled with, like, an acid. -Oh, crap. -So every turn, you have to roll a check to try and get out. -Oh! -You're basically attacking to see if he'll throw you back up. Uh, if you don't pass a check, then the acid is gonna burn you every single turn. Until it just devours you. Wait, wait, wait. So I only get the one check, or do I check every turn? -Every turn.

-I figured. -You take damage. -It's his turn right now. Uh, it is his turn right now. Thoril, go ahead, take your turn. Uh, roll a d20. Okay. Ten. That will not do it. Fuck me. Uh, so that's gonna burn you... Do I have anything that can help me right this second? Do you have any worm stomach-based abilities? I'm looking at, like, some of my stances. I think you're on the ground right now. Uh, by the way, the next time one of these guys crits the worm, he will throw you up. Oh, sheisk. -That just burned you for ten damage. -Damn! -Who's gonna stop that from happening?

-Um... I don't know if this... Yeah, that probably doesn't work. -Tyler, why did it happen again? -The Cunning Fox stance, half damage from attacks made against me during my turn. Oh, wait, you did have damage resistance on you from... So that didn't help you that one time. Now he can't be targeted for damage resistance, though. He's not in line of sight. He doesn't exist to you guys. -Just letting you know. -I hope I'm not in line of sight. No, I'm just letting you know. Like, he just opens up his mouth and you can see me in there, but I can't do anything about it.

Oh! Uh, Ironhide. You get plus three no matter what, by the way, on your attack. Oh, shit. On the attack roll? -Yeah, on the attack roll. Right now. -Yeah. All right, so that's a ten. Um... Today's not been a good day for me. I've been... -I've been getting hit and swabble... -Hey, wait a second! Wait a second. He said something's gonna happen with the vampire thing. I never did. The war is a vampire! Well, we're not at the end. I kind of thought we'd wrap things up a little early, so that'll probably be the next time. Oh, fuck. Somebody else's turn. Thank you. Him being a vampire wouldn't make his situation any less of a predicament.

Um... It's 13. Yeah, that missed. I know. -Treyus! -Don't I know it? I'm gonna use a soothing light. -No, I can't target him, can I? -Nope. You're one ally in the... Oh, he's not... Okay, so he's technically not even on the field, right? -Technically, no. -Shit. Okay. Things aren't looking... This is like a Batman, the old Batman series. -It's not... -Yes. Yeah, you gotta have a line of sight, though, so I can target you. Jump in. I imagine the world would be not... Would not have a problem with it. That is a cleric who's serious about his job. The one thing about... The one downside here is I'm notoriously awful at saving throws.

-Yeah. -He's been doing pretty good roles today. Except me just then. -And the bastard. -Nope. Next. Fifteen, yeesh. Uh, Malchus. All right. Golly, I hope you have something clever. Yeah. Fingers crossed. All right, first I wanna see if I can hit with my Soul Eater. And then we'll go from there. So, flank, so... Plus 12. -Quit! -Hey, Crit! Yeah! All right, spit him out. Um, so... Plop right there. -Uh... -I imagine he's prone. -Uh, he is prone. -Is he still surprised? He's... He's blue! Yes, quite surprised. Laying prone. And the worm gets to make an attack against everybody because you crit him.

-Damn it! -Um... But go ahead and do your damage first. Okay, yeah. So the Crit die maxed out, so it's 27 damage. Jesus, very nice. And if I'm gonna Action Point, I take it that happens after he swings? Yes. So he's bloodied! Oh, shit. We're gonna fall. So he's gonna run right down the line here, guys. And, uh, let's see here. Uh, he's gonna use Thrash. Uh, starting with J. 24! Yes. Okay. Uh, then Thoril. I get a plus two because you're prone. Uh, 15. That's not gonna do anything. Duncan. 15. That's not gonna do anything. Ironhide. -17. -Yeah! Nothing, you f***ing... Malkus. 23.

So, okay, I'm hitting Traeus and I'm hitting Malkus. Uh, let's see here. It's 1d8 plus 8. -Uh, 16. -Okay. Can you live with that? And Malkus, you're taking the same. Okay. Damn program's trying to lag all of a sudden. -Bitch. -Here we go. Okay. -Uh, now go ahead. -Action Point. -Action Point. -Yep. So, attacking with Blazing Doom of the Void. Uh, plus two for flanking, plus two power bonus from hitting with Soul Eater. -Plus one for blood. -You get plus three. You actually get plus three because, um, I had the thing on him already. That's right. So I'm rolling a plus 16.

Jesus! Against Fortitude. -You failed. -I... Wow. You just barely got him. -Wait, Fortitude? -Yeah. You did just barely get him. He's a 20 at Fortitude. All that just for like... [LAUGHTER] Achoo! -Wow. -Hey, it worked. Whatever. -Yeah. -Jesus. Uh, let's see. 2d12 plus nine. Are there any damage bonuses floating around? -No. -I don't think so. No. Oh, shit! -25. God damn. -Damn. That guy, he's dead. Let's go home. So he is hurting. He's in some pain right now. -Hey, quick question though, Jason. -Yes. I just remembered I had this. Was that like an area of effect attack? Um... Yeah, I mean, it's a close burst one.

Okay, because I do have resist two to all damage from range attacks and area attacks. -Uh... -Shield of deflection. Okay, I'll give you two hit points back. I forgot about that. Okay. Cool, cool. Um... Duncan. Or is that gonna be it for you, Maugus? You're spent, right? That's everything? -Okay, Duncan. -Okay, I'm gonna use Warsong Strike on him. I think it's fitting if I use the song... "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. And... God, I hate U2. I do too, but it's a Warsong and it's Sunday and it's bloody. -So it all works. -Fair enough. Um, and I'm going to roll... -22. -22 a hit.

Okay. Clear. 1d8 plus five... 12. All right. Uh, so everyone gets the Constitution modifier here. So everyone gets three temporary hit points if they hit them. And I'm actually gonna use my action point and do it again. -Okay. -That's all right with everyone. I don't think they're gonna reject. Actually, you know what? Here, how about this? Instead, since everyone's all bundled in, I'll use my other daily. Um, it's Song of Courage. Think of a Song of Courage. I don't know. -Get in touch. -There you go. Offsprings, I know you wanna hit that. -I've... -That's very good.

-Damn it. -The burst creates a zone of inspirational shouts that lasts until the end of my next turn. When you move, the zone moves with you, remaining centered on you. Within the zone, any ally gains a plus one power bonus to attack rolls. So... Just a stream of shouts and obscenities all the time. [gasps] So basically, as long as you keep flanking them, everyone just needs to keep up the plus three through the next. -Okay, you all done? -Yes, now I'm done. Purple Worm's turn. [gasps] He is going to try to swallow Tyler one more time. -What the fuck? -Oh, gosh.

One more time. One more time. Feed me more. [laughter] When he eats something, he wants it to stay eaten. -24. -Jesus Christ. That's against reflex. -So... -Yeah. -Yeah. -You indeed fed him more. Dollar is surprised. [laughter] He's like poker T walking out, just surprised at everything. You had the look on my face from when he got eliminated from the rumble. -Why did I... -I didn't even smoke a mantis. So in just the last turn, I had been swallowed, spat back out, and swallowed again. [laughter] Tyler, shut up. Come on. Roll. And now... Now what? -My other... -What's your life story?

Uh, now the Worm's gonna use a little... He's gonna pop his... -Collar. -Pop his collar. He's gonna try to eat someone else too? What he's gonna do is... Actually, he could if he wanted to. But he's not a show-off, ladies and gentlemen. He's gonna pop his action point, because he is a boss character and he gets one. And he's gonna use a little talent called Barrel Through. And he gets to shift, which means he doesn't have to break away. He just shifts. He gets to shift up to his movement speed. -Oh, Jesus. -And each time the Worm enters a square containing a player, the Worm makes the following attack.

So basically, he is going to shift all the way around here. So one. And then just take a swing at... There we go. That's what I was trying to do. Imagine Tyler stays with him. So he's gonna take a swing at... At Reyes. -29. Oh, that's a crit. -Yeah. So that's 18. I just noticed that it actually said that my character is surprised. He is too. -Oh, fuck. -So one, two... Three... Four... Five. So one for Duncan. Two... Seventeen, that'll miss. Then one for... Goddamn it, Ironhide. Twenty-four. -What have we done? -Thorel, I think after the first time of being swallowed whole, I don't think you should be surprised anymore.

Well, he's still disoriented as hell. Maybe it's another stomach. Imagine, yes, it's like, "Hey, this is new." "This is green." -I didn't see this the first time. -Sixteen. He's in a new world. Remember when Jason said that Alpha was gonna come back? He's in the stomach right now. And one for Malkus. Let's see here. Nine... Oh, motherfuck, I forgot something. -Twenty-six. -He still has the jace of a sword on him. Okay, so after this, you can make your attack. Well, so this... I don't know how this plays with that. -That's what I'm saying. -He attacked Tyler. Yeah, technically the attack itself did include him.

-Like the whole... -But the Tyler attack didn't. So he'd get it for that. It's gotta be your call, Jason. I'm not sure how to adjudicate it. I'll let him take a swing. That's true. It did, technically. But considering you forgot, I'll just let you... It's not like you were gonna down the worm anyway. -He goes right back to where he started. -I'm not gonna handle it as in, "Oh, you attacked Jay." Go ahead. A jace of assault. You can come right behind him. Malkus is down. Traeus is... It's looking bad, guys. Even if it didn't count for the barrel through, it still counts for attacking Thoril.

-Yes. -You're right. I'm all for it. Malkus is dying. Traeus is almost down. -I'm inside of a worm. -The world is eaten. Do I get any bonuses for... You're flanking. Go. -I don't know if that actually... -That's your motivation. That's plus two. I don't know. -Critical, critical, critical. -21. -21 will hit. -All right. Whatever you do, don't critical. He gets to thrash again. But Tyler's dying. -I'm torn. -Just like flipping tables everywhere. -I'm cool. -14. -I got it. -14. We'll die quickly. He's dying slowly. This is an interesting little fight. -Okay. -Yeah, interesting.

Interesting from my end. That's what I'm sitting there thinking inside the worm. This is interesting. I did not expect this when I woke up this morning. Thoril, your turn. Roll a saving throw. Uh, 17. That'll pass. That will pass. So, basically, you stab him somewhere in the innards and he spits you out again. Not one of his lessons. He'll probably try to do it again. You are not prone or surprised. So is that all he gets to do now? -No, you can take your turn. Fuck it. -Yeah. You rolled your saving throw. That's fine. I know the 20 plus 10. Then I have the two for the Regal Lion stance.

I don't know about... Do I have planking with any of this at all? -No, but you have my buff. -I just got spat out. You have my Song of Courage buff, though. That's a... Plus one power bonus to attack rolls. Also, since I hit him, everyone gets... From Slayer's Song, everyone still gets the combat advantage. So you get plus three from me. I might be able to give you something else if you're willing to stall. I got a plus 15 right now, so if I don't hit him... It's a little rough. If you do hit him, you also get temporary hit points from me for three. Let's see if I can do it.

-31. -31 will hit. 31 will hit. All right. Then a 10 plus nine... Wait, does that give me... I need to check the... It's just a power bonus. It's not a damage. 10 plus nine, 11. And then my... And 20... And 14. -You're whittling him down. -31. 31, that'll hit. ♪ Made on the table, yeah, that's fine ♪ -14 damage. -14! He's wobbling. He's on his hind. He's reeling up again like he's gonna take a swipe at someone, but he's wobbling. Thoril and Jarek both get three temporary hit points, by the way. And we're also in 3D. -So I'm in 3D. -In 3D. ♪ Made on the table, it's in 3D ♪ Uh, Thoril and Jarek.

All righty. ♪ Yeah, we're doing it ♪ -We're gonna finish this. -You're all done there, Thoril? Yeah. Ironhide. I'm gonna roll. -Okay. -13, I miss. -Krit miss. -No, this can't happen. -Treyus. -Let me see. -You're down to three hit points. -I can just thrash now. I am going to... It is a minor action to heal myself. Mm-hmm. -Oh, crap. -Interesting. Just think about that. Where the fuck is healing? Oh, there it is. Okay. So how does this work? Okay, so 1D6. Additional hit points. So what do I normally roll for a healing surge? I'm... It's late. I don't know. You just get it. This is like...

You're using that... Yeah, so the 1D6 is just whatever your healing surge is. This is like bonus. This is like icing. -Okay. -So just roll a D6. Hold on, somebody logged in. -Yeah, I know. -Three. Okay, so your healing surge, so you're spending one of them. Plus three. And that's 12. -Pop. So you're up to 15. -Okay. -Okay. -And... -And that's your minor action, so... -Yes. And how are you doing with Armalkus? -He's dead. -Making death saves. I mean... You can only use your encounter healing power once per round, even if you have more of it, though. So I'll make it till next round.

I haven't failed in it yet. Yeah, I think it's... I'm gonna do a little gambit here. Hold on. I haven't used this before. I don't know if it's gonna work. Brand of the Sun. The attack is one thing, but apparently the effect, whether it hits or not, is that one ally within five squares can make a saving throw. -Eight. All right. -That's cool. Liking that. So... This... 24. -So that's attacking the worm right now. -Yes. Yes, so that hits. So make a saving throw if you want to. So, yeah, actually, with this, unless I get a 20, I don't stand back up, but it doesn't get any worse, so...

-Right. -Okay, okay. -It's a free one, pretty much. -Yeah. And then damage roll is... -Ten. -Ten. Okay. Worm's rocking back and forth. He's cut up all over, just bleeding like this purple shit. -You see that? -Ugh. He's just shitting everywhere purple. He smells awful, by the way. And Tyler, as a result, smells awful. He smells like it. -All right, I'm done. -The armor's ruined. -All right. -That's all I can do. Malthus, your turn. Now, that counts as one of your saving throws, doesn't it? Yeah, but because it wasn't below a ten, it doesn't make any worse. No, no, I'm just checking.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. -So I get one failed at saving throw. -That was one. Okay. So, yeah, okay, one failed... Yeah, I wasn't trying to... -What about making sure... -Dunkin! So there's no point in trying to heal him, right? -No, there is. -Yes, there is. -There is? -Oh, there is? -Yeah. -He's dying. -So I can stand back up. -Oh, okay. -What? I'm sorry. -Miner action. I will use Majestic Word. -Oh, there you go. -So... So I just get my flat Surge value, right? Uh, minor action, close burst five. The target's been a healing surge and we gain additional hit points -equal to my Charisma modifier.

-1d6. Oh, your Charisma modifier, yeah. So that's four. Okay, so I gain eight plus four. I gain 12 hit points. There you go. And I can slide you one square. If you do wanna move one square... -Yeah, back me up. -Yeah, then you can do that. Where are you? -Or down here? -Yeah, there you go. -All right. -Okay, that was my minor action. As my regular action, I will do War Song Strike, a rev theory in honor of Tyler. -The ACW Champion, yes. -The ACW Champion. Tyler with an Ed shirt on. I like how that's his original name, Tyler with an Ed shirt on. I couldn't remember the name, so I just...

Here we go. 12, nope. And that misses. Okay. Next up, it's the Worm. He's doing a critical miss, like me. He is going to bite at Tyler. -Oh, okay. -He just loves Tyler. He's not gonna try to swallow me this time? He is not about getting stabbed. He figures he's gotta weaken you a little bit more. Like soften you up. 13, no. Make me more edible. -Tyler, your turn. -All right, get revenge on his face. Tyler, if you wanna stall, I can heal you and give you enhanced attack damage. -I don't know how much more there is left, so I'm gonna try to... So I got the 10 plus my 2 plus the...

-How many from Dan? -Not anymore. -Not anymore? Okay, so just plus 12. -Just 12. -Sounds good. 18. Fuck. -18 will miss, sadly. -Oh, never mind. -Son of a... -Yeah, he's not flanking. -He's flanking. -You all done? -Yep. -So he's up. -Ironhide. All right, I'm gonna use green flame blade. -18, does that hit? -Nope. -He is flanking, though. -He is flanking, you're right. I thought he added that in with his thing. No, it is added. -Okay, then you're done. -It's only a d20 plus 4? -What? -No, you're mistaking the roll for the bonus. -Oh, okay, sorry. -Come on, man, get your hand in the game.

-Chasing it early, I'm sorry. -Dreus, your turn. The exact same fucking roll, I can't believe this. My life's over. You'll never want to go out with me. Ah, crap. Okay, fine. Just blessings of battle, then. Mm-hmm. -Bless him. -21. -21 will hit. -All right. Mm... -Ooh. -Shit, that doesn't count. Sorry, sorry. I put a 9 on a plane instead of a 7. -There. -10. -Still 10, okay. Legal, though. -That's way different. Uh... all right. You were only allowed to reroll like that because you were cool with the GM. -You shook his hand. -Um... -The worm just falls forward. -Oh, God. And he just plants himself, his fucking... his mouth just gaping right in front of Tyler.

It's going... -But he is still alive. -Is he licking him with his tongue, tasting Tyler? He's just kind of snapping, he's getting ready to rear back again. -You all done, Treys? -Yes. -Malchus, your turn. -All right. Step one, stand up. -I thought you were already up. -And finished. And we're done. Step two, Eldritch Bolt, so I don't have to get back in fighting range. Step three, find it on my powers list. Step four, found it. -It's highly itemized. -It is. He's bloodied, so I've got a plus 1, so... -Hey! -Hey, 29, that'll do it. It'll hit. Just enough to not be a crit.

Although at a crit at this point, probably kill him. -I measured... -A crit would probably wipe the party. -Would that suck? -Yeah, a crit. Oh, we're all dead. Wait, what happened? With one hit point left, like that's all he has. He would have to hit somebody really fucking hard. 16 damage. Believe me, he's capable of it. Still has a turn left. -16, that's... You're all done? -Yep. Okay, Duncan. He won't have a turn left, because I'll kill him right now. I'm gonna kill him while singing "Kill 'Em All". See there. -And that's... -I'm from Buenos Aires and I say "Kill 'Em All".

I guess D20 plus 12, because I'm flanking here. -Yeah. -31. -31 will hit him. -Okay. -And that's... -Come on. -1D8 plus 5. -Finish. Hit. -8. -8 will not finish it. -You asshole. -Oh, no. So you just plunged his sword right into his side. He's laying there, he's just fucking dying. He's just leaking this acidic purple shit all over. -So he tries to... -And... And... Why is there gonna be an end? Now it's the purple worm's turn to turn the worm. He rears back one last time. Oh, no. And just with everything in him flings himself at Tyler. God damn, wow. -Did it bite me or swarm from me?

-And critical misses. Yeah. And now it's Tyler's turn. God damn, that's pretty poetic. -Come on. -Get it, Tyler. -Finish. -Come on. -All right, you motherfuckers. -Get a piece of it. 20 plus 12. Come on, you son of a bitch. -Damn it! -14! What? I handed that to you. -Almost a crit. -Son of a bitch. -Almost a crit. -Ironhide. Almost. Ironhide, do your fatality. Almost a crit. That was 30. -30 will hit him. -Tank missile. [LAUGHS] All right. -12? -There it is. 12 will kill him. That's it. Done, ladies and gentlemen. You have destroyed this worm, and the crowd's going berserk.

You, ladies and gentlemen, are the new champions of Overdo. And I'll let you know what happened to Ian next time when we have time to really hash all this out. Oh, and Tyler's a vampire, by the way. [LAUGHS] We have a lot of story stuff to get through in the next time. And the worm's a vampire now, too. Somehow he'd fit Tyler, so therefore... I'm gonna be turning into a giant purple vampire. With three rows of teeth. His tongue is just teeth. The next episode is just gonna be... It's just gonna be the story about me being a vampire and the diplomacy of using forced slavery.