No easy choices

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

[glass breaking] [glass breaking] Pickaxe. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah, you're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you don't gotta cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. It's your first job? I know what I'm doing. I'm a little late for a career change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... [clears throat] With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Now, let me remind you of what... 'cause it's been about a month, again. So let me remind you of what happened the last time we all sat down. Jay, of course, isn't here today, so he's the only one who brought up the fact that there may have been some slave labor used in that tournament you guys entered.

The Tournament of Champions! And that's the way you have to say it. Copyrighted that way. You have to say it. I did forget about that. Yeah, see, um... Unfortunately, he's not here today, so... He's dead. He's disgusted. He just went off. He needs to think. 'Cause he killed him! 'Cause you guys were kind of in a situation where you needed to. You know what he's doing? He's praying. Yeah. He went off to exclude himself and pray and see if he could be forgiven. I'm really just hoping he decided not to go to a bar and fall off the wagon. [laughter] I love that he's the Jake "The Snake" Roberts of this... [laughter] He's a priest and a crack addict.

Oh. Wasn't Jake "The Snake" Roberts... wasn't he an ordained minister or something? Ted DiBiase was a minister. Jake Roberts was born again, though. Close enough. That's pretty close. Um... both read the Bible a lot. You don't. So, you guys, may I add, firstly, were the first people to finish this tournament all the way through. In probably decades. Wow. No one has a... see, the problem is... Is somebody shooting arrows? I don't know. What the hell is going on? It sounds like someone's loading a crossbow. Then I hear, like, something like, "What's the arrow?" [laughter] We're just having an arrow fight.

Hold on. I'll clear this up for you. I, um... Kill the man. I don't have, like, an office chair or something normal in front of my computer. I have a full-size recliner in front of my computer. That's what I was... It sounds like a lump of weather you were just sitting... I was just gonna say, it actually sounds like a recliner. I watched him streaming XCOM. What? I watched you streaming XCOM, and I'm like, "Oh, he's sitting in his recliner." And then I was like, "Well, he's playing on Steam." [laughter] There was a period of time where I actually unplugged my TV from its normal place and replaced the monitors with my TV.

Then I realized that this is how fat men die, so I put it back. [laughter] That sounds really close to the setup that was in, um... Oh, god damn it. We're, uh, Ready Player One. Uh, yep. Not the suit and everything, but I mean, it's getting really close to, like... I could die here. I could order pizza and not have to get up. I can... I... Okay. I could just put oxygen in and... [laughter] Um, so, okay. I imagine that was the sound of you reclining. Yes, yes. Maximum comfort. All right. I played D&D like royalty. So, let me... Okay. This tournament was set up centuries ago.

Yeah. And its original purpose was a test. Now it's kind of a Roman Colosseum bloodsport thing. Over the years it's just kind of been twisted, and... What was supposed to be something for the honor-bound and someone looking to prove themselves and test their mettle has kind of become this thing for... [beep] What? Yes. [laughter] Large towns and... [beep] Everybody's got a million patches on their armor with, like, restaurant names and... [laughter] It's mainly for landowners and people... Like, mayor or kings will make deals with local slave traders and things like that.

It's kind of underhanded and seedy at this point. I strictly get it to expose more people to my musical skills. So... Well, I mean, that's the thing, though. It's kind of like when people go to Vegas and drink for the first time or something, and then they wake up with a fucking tattoo and all their money's missing. Like, that's how it kind of... Everyone looks at it as, "Okay, well, I could ply my trade here. I sell fruit all day." "Well, there's going to be a hell of a lot of people in town for this big tournament, so I'm going to sell a lot of fruit." So everyone just kind of deals with it.

Everyone kind of goes along to get along. It's like the Olympics. Kind of. Kind of without all the bloodsport. It's an opportunity to strike. So... Yeah. [laughter] Justin's so half in, half out today. [laughter] So far, your biggest contribution was shouting, "F*ck!" [laughter] Um... So after your win, you guys have been named champions of Overdale, which is an incredible... No one has won this title. There's no written... There's no book. There's nothing that states that... There's no record of it, because people just stop keeping count. No one makes it to the end.

It's become basically a game you can't win. But it's become that thing of... The hubris of it all. It's like, "Oh, I'm going to be the first guy to get through." So you guys did it. You guys, we really escaped the Running Man course. Um... The Running Man was a shitty movie. Whoa! Oh, no, no. Whoa, we're done. But you saw it, didn't you? No, he's f*cking wrong. Like, you're entitled to your opinion, but you were wrong. [laughter] The Running Man is the best Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever done. Oh, well... I wouldn't go that far. I would. Terminator 2 is pretty good.

Oh, sh*t! That's what I said, b*tch! Terminator 2 is fantastic, but there are far less Arnold Schwarzenegger puns. That's true. Richard Gillian, isn't it? Also, Twins. [laughter] And Junior. Well, you can't watch Twins without watching Junior. Junior's like the weird pseudo-sequel to Twins. [laughter] You know, Twins could have been Hulk Hogan and Christopher Lloyd. Uh, you know they're making the Twins, too. I know. I know. And it's going to be Eddie Murphy. Does he play both Twins? Really? Is it Murphy and Eddie Murphy again? No, it's Dan Aykroyd. I mean, not Dan Aykroyd.

It's Danny DeVito, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Eddie Murphy. We can off-track easy. Yes, we do. Well, you said Arnold Schwarzenegger. What do you think is going to happen? No, I didn't say... Well, the Running Man was mentioned, and then Slander was thrown. You can't just disobey that segway. Yeah. You're coming in a little bit low, Rob. Uh, okay. I've been moving this mic around, trying to find a place that'll stay still and also be in range. There we go. Perfect. That's the spot? Check one, two, test, test, test. Yep, yep, yep. You are good. Right there, Rob. Right there.

Now dance a little. [laughter] Yeah, that's good. That's good. Ugh. Daddy likes. Not slower. Not slower. [laughter] Okay, so you guys remember the captain of the guard, right? Yeah. Ian? Was that that awful guy in the forest? Pedophile? The guy, yes, you insist as a pedophile, but there's no proof. He's a good guy. [laughter] He actually lost in the third round. Oh! His arm was removed by one of the orcs. Ooh. He was carted off, and normally it's to the death. He kind of cowered out? Like he kind of used his status to have himself removed? He was quite impressed.

Yeah, well that's the thing. He got overwhelmed, him and his men. All of his men died, but he removed himself. It was him and four of his best guards, and he kind of, he kind of, he pussed out. There's no easy way to say it. He's nowhere to be found right now. The medics have kind of taken him away, and he's nowhere to be found. You guys, on the other hand, have been invited to this huge banquet, which is really just for high-up monkey muck guys. Like, the mayor's there, and it's his royal dining hall. I thought you said monkey men. Monkey men, just for monkey men.

There's all these trees, and they're climbing. We can't do that. So it's just apes flicking poop at each other. [laughter] What do I say? Why? This is most Son of the War of the Ducks. Why did we arrange this? Why do the war-caterers don't know what to do with it? More wine, Mr. Chimp? There's a tray, the guy starts throwing up that's holding it. So, that totally derailed me for some reason. So, the mayor of Overdale, whom you've never actually officially met, is very fat. Like, chair-bound fat. He's like Jabba the Hutt. Almost. Kind of like a... He's a giant worm.

The kind of neck that is just... It's basically cheeks descending into chest. Like that kind of neck. Just a huge... Like a whole SWAT team of cheeks. His name is Lucius Meridian. Does he always have a turkey leg in his hand? Well, today, actually, I know it's cliché, but it's a banquet. So yes, he does have... Does he have gems all over the place? Not gems so much as... Like, he is a man of wealth. And, I mean, this has done a huge, huge boon to the town and everything. It's kind of like hosting the Olympics. Having this tournament in town is a huge... You've got to fight for that kind of thing.

It only comes around once a year, so it's a big deal. So, you guys have done him a huge favor by winning this tournament. And you guys, of course, have been awarded with cash as a result. But there's also a prize waiting for you to be hand-delivered by the mayor himself, which is a huge honor, because usually it's one of his servants, or his right-hand man will come to you and say, "Oh, he's got a job for you." Or Ian, Ian Cerberus, he'll walk up to you and say, "Oh, I fucking need you for something. The mayor wants me to take you along." But this is a big deal.

You're meeting this guy for the first time. The guy speaks as if he's always out of breath. That's good. Mostly because he is. It may as well be. I mean, imagine running down a set of stairs and then starting a conversation with someone. Okay. Just like that kind of out of breath, where it's just kind of panty. Like just kind of... Like that kind of fat. Sure, gotcha. So not jolly fat? No. Okay. Like sickly fat. The kind of fat that makes you realize your mortality. Yeah. The kind of fat that makes you want to go jogging directly after shaking hands with him. Yeah.

Gotcha. Like you feel grease on him. Well, there's a sheen of sweat on his forehead, too. Like as you walk up to him, because there's no air conditioning there, and it's summer. So like he's, you know, he's just kind of damping. He has a guy that kind of damps down his head with a rag. It's hot. Uh... How decadent is this guy? Like is the rag guy's sole function to be the rag guy, or is he a servant in other capacities, too? Well, he hands him his drink and stuff. It's mainly a guy to stand by his big chair. It's not even really a throne, because he can't fit into a throne.

It's too fat. It's like a big hand-built wooden chair that's kind of painted purple and coated in velour. I'm surprised it's not a lady. Like his dapper. No. No. Ladies really... Fair enough for that. Hey guys, too fat to towel self off. It's just, it's not that he's... I know what you're going for. It's just, he doesn't have to. Like he has guys for that. Like guys to, you know, there's lady servers kind of walking around the place handing people food. You guys have a seat. Not at his table, because that's, I mean you're not that great, but you're right there at the front of the banquet hall.

You guys get to sit down and have a meal in the presence of the mayor himself. Now this guy's not a king, or lineage of any royalty or anything, but he just kind of... He thinks very highly of himself. So, I don't know how you guys want to proceed. If you guys want to bring up the whole slave trade thing. If you guys want to just maybe get what you have coming to you and leave. You aren't even paid. I would like to ask what... What were we fighting those orcs? Like were they slaves or prisoners of like crimes? I feel like we need a better segue to that, because great food, how about those hate crimes you're committing?

A bad movie. I got it. Guys, I got it. I got this. So, he sees you approaching. Duncan approaches. Okay. He kind of raises his arms, "Champions! Ha!" Duncan approaches, and he says, "I have something very important to ask you." Go on. It's something that's kind of been bothering all of us since the tournament. What did you think of my performance? All my songs. That and "Let's See Them Tits." That's a proper segue. Because I was a big star in my old town, and I would really like to have the same success here, but I need to make sure that, you know, without the blessing of the mayor, how far am I going to get, right?

He didn't see any of that. He didn't see my performance? He only got up to see the end of the last round. If anybody made it to the last round, that's when he... because he doesn't care. He profits either way. He doesn't care how you won or that you won. That you made it to the end, which no one really... It's kind of... It's really kind of just trivial that they get something lined up for the end. It has to be something tough, but no one ever makes it that far. And if they do, they get annihilated in the first few seconds anyway. So, the fact that you guys made it to the end was a complete shocker.

No one saw it coming. Cinderella story. Malgus. Malgus is just standing off behind you holding a ball of fire being like, "Eh? Eh? Is it time? Eh?" Malgus, take... yeah. Yeah. I know you have something to say to him. I'm not... I'm done with this guy. He'd take over. Oh, well... So, he puts down his plate of food seeing that you're not going to leave him alone. You're not just going to like, "Hey!" Handshake, walk away. He's just like, "Okay." Now he looks a little impatient. Like, he's like, "Okay. What? What do you want?" Hold on. See, I don't want to bring this up yet because is there a set time when he's supposed to give us whatever reward he's supposed to give us?

Because I'd like to get that before we broach horribly offensive issues with it. You can get it any time you want. It was something that was just going to be... Before he leaves, he's just going to go, "Oh, here. Here's this thing." Like, again, it means nothing to him. He's already received what he was after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Like, it's... Imagine the Olympics where the gold medals are just kind of like a trivial... It's like, "Oh, here you go." Like, "Here. We'll approach this in a better way. I'll run a streetwise check.

How's that sound?" Sure. So it's an 8 plus 11, right? Whatever your... Yeah, whatever your streetwise... Well, no, it's... D8. I think it's a D20 with your... Oh, D20, yeah. With your streetwise modifier. Yeah, so it's D20 plus 11. I have an 11 in the streetwise. Don't fuck up. There's always a portion of this game I have to relearn in my head just for a second, because it's been a month to think about. That's a... Crit. Oh, okay. There you go. Oh, wow. I should have the program maximized so that I can see shit. Oh, I thought you were saying like, "Yeah, I don't even have the program up.

That's weird." No. Piece of shit. So... A streetwise check. Okay. There's nothing... There's no, like, brouhaha or anything going on around here. It's just, like, your... What I'm doing is I'm now, instead of going straight to the king, or the mayor, and being like, "What the fuck was going on with that?" I'm gonna ask around a little bit. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Okay. So I go to the guard and be like, "Hey, man. Tell me the truth on this." That was so well before. About the... Well, I rolled a 31, so... No, first of all, anybody that you approach in this place is, like, awestruck by you guys.

You are gods in this town now. Not only... Not only do they not have a captain of the guard functioning right now... You guys basically walked into town with a cocksure strut... And you've beaten... You've beaten vampires. You've beaten elves that have... To them, it was marauding elves that threatened to take over the entire town. 'Cause that's how it was pitched when they... It's like, "Oh, these individuals..." I mean, like, you know what really happened, but... And then there's the tournament, which everyone saw. So anybody that had a doubt about you, even from neighboring towns or whatever...

You guys are the shit. So you walk up to this guard and he's like, "Oh, shit." He goes to shake your hand and everything. You could basically walk up and stab somebody and you go, "Well, you know, you have to let off some steam." So first off, what do you think about my seeing it? Oh, you're fantastic. Thank you. For some reason, I don't know how many of you guys have seen Baba Hotep. Yes. No one's seen it. I imagine it's the scene with "Elvis" and Sebastian Half where he actually goes into the area where he meets him and signs away his stuff. And he's just awestruck.

And then he just kisses his rings immediately. Yeah. Just like that. Just like that obscure reference. That one Bruce Campbell movie, no one saw. I'll be over here. No, I really like that. I really did. I'm not lying. You know they're making a new evil... No, I'm not doing this! We're making another Baba Hotep, too, but we'll move on. We can't get sidetracked. So now that I understand that he likes my singing, now I inquire about the creatures that we were fighting. Creatures of the night. Oh, he tells you that they were procured by a local slave trader. Oh, yeah.

Legit. And we don't know when the slave trader got them? No, it's just basically, "Hey, we're gonna need a shitload of these things. What do you got?" He's like, "Well, I got some orcs." And he's like, "Awesome. Truck them in. How much?" And they basically pay by the head. They don't care where they come from. They don't care. And it's very possible that maybe they weren't procured by legal means, where slave traders will buy lifers, criminals. And give them... basically their pitch is, "Okay, look. You can come with me, and I'm gonna profit off you, but you get a chance to fight for your freedom, or you can rot in jail.

It doesn't matter." Like the running man. Like the running man. Exactly. Who loves you and who you love? Like, condemned. Even worse. So now I'm armed with this knowledge. I return to the group. I explain to them where the slaves came from and how they were procured. We know that we're getting our reward. It doesn't matter either way. We're getting the reward still. That's when I look at Malkus and I point at the mayor and I say, "Have at 'em, sir." Alright. And this mayor's name again is what? Uh, Jesus Christ. I have a... Jesus Christ. That's the mayor's name.

Jesus Christ. Oh, wow. He's high up in the food chain. He's pretty... he's fat Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. Fat Jesus. Too fat for blessings, right? Are you gonna just keep making... I said it was Lucius. I didn't know if you heard me. Oh, Lucius. Oh, that's okay. Oh, Lucius. Okay, yeah. Didn't hear that. Yeah, Lucius. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah. Malkus goes on over to him and says, "Honorable Mayor, I was told to contact you regarding a certain reward that was due to us for completing our trial." "No, of course!" Just gross. Fucking gross. Just... like, everything about this guy is skeevy.

Oh, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. So, he reaches over and it's under his... He grabs your cock. He reaches over and says, "Eh?" "Eh?" "Here we go." So, the thing he hands you is under his dinner plate. Just like most things end up. On an end table right near his big giant chair. Okay. And it's a really old book. The thing is thick and weathered. It looks like it's hundreds of years old. And it's kind of fitted with this giant locking clasp, keeping it shut. And immediately, because you're the big magic user of the group, you can kind of feel a lot of arcane power kind of surging through this thing.

Sure. Like, there's a real powerful spell protecting it. Okay. And he just hands it off to you? He hands it off to you. Can I do an arcane check? Sure. Yeah. Yeah, I'll do the same. No you won't! I said it first, my number's better. That I haven't ruled yet. You won't even know. You fucker. My arcane is pretty dope. One second. I'm gonna atomify. *humming* Twenty side die. Twenty five you fucker. Oh, he's got it. Something weirdly competitive about something that you're fighting together for, but okay. You both probably got too. Yeah, twenty would have done it. It's not, I mean, like it's okay.

Anyway, it's a protection spell, and that's why this book is in such good condition being, you know, hundreds of years old. You can just, you could just tell. No one uses the kind of paper anymore that's being used in it. No one binds books the way this is, but it looks very early written word. The lock on the front of it is kind of combined with the magic spell to make sure that no one can open it, either open it without the key or burn it or anything like that. It's completely protected. Okay, so that key's what we need. Now, from, that's what I'm saying, there's no key that came with this book.

It's just a book. Now, from across the room, oh, actually, you know what, Tyler. So, the tiefling has kind of startled the mayor. He doesn't like tieflings. In fact, the town's not very fond of them. That's because this is a very religious town and they kind of teach that tieflings are demons on earth. They're idiots. So, the tiefling kind of walks up to him and his heart kind of is racing. He's not, he's just going to, "Here you go!" and just take it and go away. Now, get out. I want you to roll a 20 sided die, please. Okay, so one second here. Marcus, I'm a bit disappointed that you didn't stick up for your friend.

I'm just saying. 14. Wait. Wait, why is Tyler... No, it's something's about to happen to me that's not good. Just stick with it, kids. It pays off. Wait, wait, wait. I thought the tiefling had to roll. No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. It's... Oh, okay, the guy... He was the trigger that activated this. What is your... Hold on a second. I'm looking up your stats right now. Just give me one second here. [Singing] I have a heal of plus two. It's out of sight. Where is your willpower? My will is a 15. 15? Okay, good. You avoided it. This will not get you. Okay, good. You... Okay, deep down inside, you kind of have to steel yourself because you have this incredible urge to lunge forward and rip out his throat.

You're watching his fat fucking veins and his fat neck just kind of pump blood and you're just... Instantly you just want to reach forward and grab and you kind of jerk forward just a little bit and you... Oh, the stupid vampire. Did you forget about that? That isn't going away. That's not a thing. Now the vampire from Brooklyn. Okay, just a quick question. What would be worse, vampire from Brooklyn or Twilight vampire? From Brooklyn because then you're Eddie Murphy, what used to be, but now you have to be Eddie Murphy from now. Twilight vampire because you have to be in love with that stupid chick and you have to twinkle.

She does not look bright. She doesn't and she has no personality and she's not that hot. She's one of those people that smile, but her eyes don't reflect the smile so it just looks like she's stupid. Like she's like kind of like constipated. I've said it a hundred times. She's the girl that drew unicorns on the cover of her book in ninth grade and eighth grade. She's a dumbass in distress. Wow. Wow, you guys went all in on that. Okay. Not a fan. Well, sometimes you're a whore. You just got your own little mini rant about Twilight right there. So, okay, you steal yourself.

Now there's a priest on the other side of the room that has been eyeballing Malkus since he approached. Just eyeball. Just giving him the hairy eyeball from across the room. Okay. Not a fan of yours. He is basically the guy who does the Sunday service and he's, you know, the religious council, you know, he's that guy. And then he looks at Tyler and he kind of noticed him jerk forward and he starts walking over to you. And he walks right up to you and asks, how long has it been since you've been bitten? Uh, that should be the answer. It's going to come in and keep going over that extra three seconds.

And he kind of grabs your face right under the chin and just kind of like looks on either side of your neck and he's checking your eyes out and everything. He's like, from the looks of it, you don't have long. Kill you. So he's so he's not he's not coming at us like he's not. He's no look, he knows that, you know, Malkus isn't there to do anything. He's just not a fan. It's just, you know, like when a black guy goes down south and he's just like the store owner is just sitting there is like, I'm not a fan, but I know you're not here to do anything. I just don't like you.

He's not going to stand up on a table and scream. She's a witch. He's just no, he's yeah, but he's not. Now he knows that there's something like he just watched you get ready to lunge forward and even if anybody were to want to stop you, they probably couldn't because you guys just bludgeoned a giant purple worm to death. If you remember, I want to run an intimidate check on who held the priest. I don't want to tell him people. I think he holds all the cards. I want to keep a diplomacy check is more along the lines of what we should try before. Pick one.

I'll do a diplomacy. I have plus seven. I want to endorse check. I think I'm actually pretty high up as far as diplomacy goes. Okay, but you know what Tyler, you go ahead, you do your diplomacy, but if that doesn't work, we're doing this my way. Okay. Yeah, I just realized I only have a plus one. So, uh, I was about to say speech isn't your strong suit Goldberg. Five. Eight in diplomacy, so that didn't work out. Well, I can try. I can try. Nine. Nine. Somebody else diplomacy. So your best effort was funny. Just don't tell. That was basically it. Please don't tell you'll get in trouble.

Okay. Okay. Malchus is all up to you. Well, Malchus, Malchus is still chatting with the mayor here and the mayor. So the mayor is like, he's given me this book. First of all, before I breached the other subject, I asked the mayor if he even knows what this book is. It's something basically that is given to each, either the royalty or the political office that is in charge of the town that's holding this event. It's never been won before. It's basically something that's been waiting to be claimed. Okay. All right. And I thank him for that and I say, forgive me for continuing to interrupt your meal, but we, my friends and I, we noticed something that distressed us a little about the proceedings here before.

Go on. Well, I mean, as you can probably see based on us being loaded down with weapons, armor, and all sorts of magical words, I can't think of words. All sorts of magical accoutrement. That's what I was going to say, but I thought that was too flowery. He drinks martinis. He's flowery. Yeah, yeah. Malchus drinks martinis. We're of the adventuring persuasion. We go around, we right wrongs and so on and so forth. And along with that, we tend to be predisposed toward freedom and liberty for people. You know, we go out and do what we want and we kind of espouse that sort of lifestyle.

So he takes, first of all, he takes a sigh and looks at it. He takes a sigh and leans back in his chair and just kind of undoes his belt. He's still looking at you still, still full eye contact, but it's basically a look that says, look, look, my guts hurting my belt right now. I got the other way around. Like I got it just losing this. And he's like, I'm not going to deal with this liberal bullshit. It's like, go ahead. After Malchus finishes throwing up in his mouth a little. By the way, there's a clear smell wafting off of him. Ew. Oh, shame self. It's a good smell, right?

Yeah, it's a smell that says I can afford a bath, but choose not to take one often. That's power. That's power you can't buy. Oh, my God. I'm sorry to derail this for a second. Have you seen the final resolution poster, Jason? No. It's Jeff Hardy in like an avatar. Damn it. It's a popular thing that was popular. TNA's got to do it so that now those Avatar fans will see. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Continue, Rob. I'm sorry. OK. Now, we weren't offended about the nature of, you know, the actual monsters and such that you happen to acquire for this competition. But I mean, the bottom line is these the orcs that you used need to be liberated.

OK. Firstly, most of them are dead. Right. But what they have left. Right. What they have left. So this is the part where he starts raising his voice a bit. OK. Because he looks at it as you're trying to tell him how to run things. And that's accurate. Right. But you did it in a very roundabout, flowery way, which some would interpret as advice or an acquisition, something. But he takes it as like, who the fuck is this guy? A tiefling, no less. Walking into my place telling me how I should be running things. He starts basically shouting and bits of food are kind of sputtering out of his mouth, as he says it.

A little piece of chicken skin just kind of wraps around his bottom lip as he's yelling. I'm picturing I'm picturing that thing you do right now. Yes. How is it? Can you get Fabian away from me? Like that kind of thing. Yes. Yes. Exactly that. Like that kind of. But picture a fucking huge guy, basically. He says, look, you know, it's not exactly like there's a thousand people lining up to do this. People want to watch. They don't want to participate. And no one wants to be the guy who's basically being led to slaughter. And, you know, I mean, how we get these people lined up is I mean, you weren't complaining while you were doing it.

You had an option to walk away. You chose to keep going. Right. We didn't know we were fighting. We did not know we were fighting when we chose to go on. And it was to the once the fight started, it was to the death. That was not the point. That's not the point. I'm curious when you ask who you were fighting. That was no, that wasn't that wasn't the rules. Basically, it's just kind of he's just shouting is like, will you fucking try to organize it like that kind of thing? Like, it's not very it's not a very well put together argument, but he's just yelling and he's trying to stand up.

But that's really hard. So we just kind of this is going on at the same time that we're dealing with the priest. Yeah, I'm running back and forth between two covers. That's like you guys are having a very hushed conversation over there. And from from many feet away, you hear just like he's just yelling, just shouting and sputtering. And then you just kind of like look over. It's like, what the fuck is happening over there? Like that kind of thing. So whatever you guys want to do, let me know. All right. All right. Malchus continues. But surely you were able to find creatures as powerful as the great purple worm to fill this competition.

Can't you fill the other stages with nonsense? And then he just kind of levels with these. Look, I don't set this up. I'm not sitting up nights thinking about what I have people to do that for me. Oh, well, I apologize for addressing my concern to the wrong party. If you could direct me to the person, I should be contacting. Now, this is so polite. Go through the bureaucracy. I'm not going to threaten the guy who's not in charge at this point. He says that, by the way, you have to say that I guess you're not in charge. Who should I speak to? OK. Oh, I see you delegated this task.

How delightful. You can just show me where I should address my concerns. I'll leave you to your. Meet. So he leans back in his chair at the beginning of that sentence and just kind of does the fucking Captain Picard run in his face, like just he's got his giant doughy fingers kind of just rolling sweat off of his off of his forehead. You've got him sweaty. He's uncomfortable now. And he calls over one of the guys who's supposed to be fanning him. He just shouts. Then you hit the word delegate the way you did. And his eyes for the first time show signs of life where he's just they widen and then kind of like narrow at you.

And he says, walk away. Just just walk away right now. I feel like that's a bold tone to take to a man with horns and magical fire. Do you say that to him? I say that to him. He slams his hands down on either side of his giant wooden chair. It's not constructed for a regular man like to it's like a love seat, like a big, uncomfortable looking love seat. He's a monster. We're going to be leaving this town quite quickly. We're not going to be here much longer. So before I continue that, I want to get back to this other conversation real quick. So the yelling kind of dies down for a second.

And you guys, the priest is like, Jesus, like he knows he's going to have to clean this up in some form or fashion because with Ian not around, he's kind of the right hand man. So basically, he leans in and tells the world, look, you don't look like it looks like you were bitten some time ago. And there's Justin's air conditioner. Ladies and gentlemen, I know I don't hear before that. It's no big deal. I keep talking wordsmith. So he kind of he kind of pulls you close. And he says, look, you don't have much time. I can tell it's been like the you know, I can tell by the wound on your neck how old it is.

You don't have too much time. I don't know when you were bitten, but it it affects. I'm assuming it was when you tackled the vampires in the cave a couple of weeks ago. Wait a minute. I'm thinking game time. I think it was more than that, actually. I think I want to say a couple weeks ago, but I you know. Yeah, that's that's basically he's saying I imagine it was the strongest blood is it takes a lot longer for him. Well, I mean, it affects everybody differently. Someone is you know, I mean, Tyler's basically the warhorse of your group. He's he's the heavy hitter.

So, I mean, it might it might tackle him differently than it would. No, I'm sorry. I was I was repositioning. So it sounds like it's like, oh, yeah, go fuck yourself. Don't make up excuses for him. Now, at a certain point, vampirism is permanent. Once it takes hold of you, that's it. So there's no like I'm a good vampire, though. There's just it's just it's not. Yeah, there's no it's like it's there's pros and cons to it. He's kind of breaking it down to you. It's like it affects everybody differently. But I mean, the basics are you will be stronger and faster.

You're going to be you're going to discover things about yourself that like when you reach a certain age, Tyler, you're going to grow hair in weird places. You're going to know. But basically, it's that kind of speech like he's telling you. It's like you I don't know what you want to do about this, but you need to leave if you're I mean, you need to get away from here at least until you sort your shit out. And that is all a subtle reference to puberty. It is all correlations to puberty. He tells you that there's a witch in the swamps. That if you it's in the southeast and if you want it's in the swamps of Yemgar and if you want to try to get to her, there's talk of her having a cure.

And of course, the priest has only heard this knowledge second hand. He really doesn't know too much about it. He that's that's pretty seedy for a priest to know about. So he just kind of that's if there's not a religious way, his his solution would be to kill you. You can you can give yourself over to God and just slit your throat wide open now. Let's let's let's go over that solution real quick. Can we think about that for a second? And he kind of puts his hand on your shoulder and is like, if you want to do it in the cathedral in front of God, then we can do that.

I can help you with that. And he's really reassuring about it. He's not it. He's very he means it. He'll help you out. He can help you, Thor. There are many alternatives to eating your loved ones. Like death. And he says the way I saw you steal yourself to keep from lunging at the mayor like I saw that in your eyes like that. That's that predatory stare. You wanted to hurt him. That seems like one option. I wonder if there are any other options. I feel like I should try to look into an alternative. There's there's basically three ways to go here. Just just your conversation with him.

You can either deal with it and kind of see where things take you. You can journey into the swamp and try to find this witch and see where that takes you. Or you can kill yourself. So that takes you to see where that takes you. Well, you may not like the third option. I'm just going to let you know that maybe from a gameplay perspective, that may be limited for you. Before your turn. I am still dead. OK. Tyler's death. Thor makes up his mind on whether we're going to the swamp or if we're just going to move forward. Maybe we should find out what's going on on the other side of the room.

OK, well, as I feel like plus I feel like what's eventually going to happen is like the vampirism won't really affect me as negatively as it will end up affecting you guys. I have a feeling that I'll be stronger and faster and that will one day come around to bite you guys in the ass. That's the thing. Like basically, much like it did when I first got turned into a vampire in the first place. Well, that was mind control. That wasn't that wasn't the bite happened after that. But we see what you can do to a party member when you get a hold of them, because I think you what did you crit him?

Or just you. I know you got two hits off. Yeah. And knocked him down. He was out after the first time. So this isn't like an Elder Scrolls vampire that can be like a good vampire. He's it's it's not it's not bad or good. It's just it is like, OK, the vampires in the cave you guys encountered, it wasn't like they were evil, but a lot of them kind of retreat and just find that they don't have the willpower to be in everyday life. OK. It's almost like everybody's made out of hamburgers and you're starving. Yes. All the fucking time. Now, there's ways to get around it.

I mean, there's I mean, it's it's kind of like it's kind of like drug addiction, basically, where there are ways. I mean, you could you could live with it. So we just have to like sacrifice people to stuff like animals. Let's start with animals. We don't have to start again. Yeah. I mean, blood is blood. I mean, some of it is more nourishing and tasty than others, of course, like that the guy sitting in the chair at the front of the banquet hall would be delicious. He's basically farm raised veal. He is. And it's he would be scrumptious. I'm not going to lie.

I thought about it myself. Before we decide, though, I would like to know what's going on over there. Well, as you guys as he basically lays out, like what your options are and the dangers of just staying the way he says you, it looks like you maybe have less than 24 hours. You hear screaming again way louder before. This guy rocks the entire the entire ceremony, like the entire banquet hall, just reverberated, liquid throated shouting. I just imagine at this point he tells us to walk away. We don't. He just starts like picking up like bread thrown at us.

Well, he wouldn't waste food, but he like he slams his hands down on either side of his is his chair and forces himself to stand up. Wow. His plate falls to the ground, which incites even more rage. He's just fucking furious at this point. I run over there because I need to see what's going on because this is. And he is just just scream bellowing. It's not like as much force as you like a Ric Flair promo, just fucking screaming at you face turning red. Just just get the fuck out of here. I want you out of town tonight. I want you. You gone like you. He's not even making sense with words.

OK, I'm going to throw down an intimidate check for Malchus and I'm going to tell you what Malchus says here. So here's the intimidate. OK, it's 24. Malchus says. Mr. Mayor, I am offering you an option. The release of the remaining orcs is non-negotiable. You get to decide whether I do it through bureaucracy or the other way. OK. When he started shouting, every one of the guards in the place, of course, well, everyone's looking, but everyone stops eating. Everyone's, you know, a little murmur you hear in the background while people are chatting, all that stops.

And it's just you standing in front of him, him screaming at you and every guard taking out their sword at the same time. Malchus is used to people screaming at him. He's a demon. That's the thing that's pissing him off the most is that you're standing there and you're just like, yep, like you don't care. Like that's what's pissing him off the most. I bet he thinks I'm a lesser being like he thinks orcs are lesser beings. Yes. Well, anybody didn't we already say before the orcs were prisoners because they were doing crimes and stuff? No, that's the way it's supposed to work.

But I mean, when demand is that high and it's like we need them by next week. It's like, OK, they don't care. Like it's there's no checks and balances. There's no there's no. We're just going to nudge the definition of what an orc child is back from 16 to 12. That'll fill your that'll fill that deficit. Yeah, they don't. It's like, well, they're going to grow up to be deadly anyway. You know, he falls down flat in front of you. Oh, you are tech? Yes. Malchus is mayor. That's what I mean. I never follow a tiefling. Justice of Arc Corp. I bested the mayor in single combat.

That means I take his position. Everyone just kind of gasps and jumps forward to go take a look at him. And they're swatted back by the guard. And the priest walks over and checks his pulse. And he is stone dead. All right. Well, there you go. That's a problem because we were killing slaves, which whatever. That's not our problem. But now this guy's dead, which means the whole town's going to be in disarray, which means they'll all probably scatter. Well, just getting kicked out of town after town here. Well, here's the thing. There's there's a period where everyone's just kind of standing around and it's just like, what did you do?

What did you do? Immediately. They've been taught that tieflings are evil to begin with. I'm not helping. Yeah, I'm not helping their perception. No, this isn't this isn't something that you're not going to be the poster child for reform in terms of. Oh, geez. I'm just defying their backwards beliefs. So everyone starts looking at you and backing away. I use that birth to exit the room at a slow and deliberate walk. I start singing. I sing every little thing's going to be all right. And I distract them. They find it to be ill timed and just like, wow, really?

The bard is trying to make some coin off us while we're standing here grieving over. Really? Asshole. Really? Distraction. They find it tasteless. Get the mind off of it. You're standing. You're basically standing there singing 15 feet away from the cold dead body of their mayor who just died. And you just basically take out a guitar. It's like, yeah, too soon. Well, it's like, you know how when something bad happens and then, you know, they try to do it. Yeah. You know what? Let's distract the kids so they don't understand. That's what I'm doing right now. These are full grown adults is the problem.

Yeah. I just think less of them. I just think that's all. So they're just kind of looking. He's like, wow, really? I love how immediately everything just goes to shit. It's like a fart. And slowly walks away. Oh, I thought Duncan just starts to strumming his guitar. This is the D&D version of a Monty Python movie. It's just everyone just staring at you. What's funny is if you could see this from my end, there are like several different ways that could have went. That's that's just delightful that it went that way. Can I use electric lower on him to jump his heart?

Defibrillated. If you want to try, go ahead. Oh, I can try. Sure. Now, let me just. Deciprates the corpse. Ever forget about what Malthus just did. Just do the roles I would in combat. Just do the roles you would in combat. Hope for a good role, but not too good a role. Jesus. What about 10? OK. So here's what happens. OK. Malthus is standing there screaming with with Lucius. Lucius has a heart attack, falls forward, and he's standing basically on a raised platform that leads to his chair. So not only does he fall, he basically falls down steps. What's so bad or was he just like dead?

OK. He died. I couldn't like heal him or something. He basically died when he stood up. The guy's not used to standing up. He could have very well had like there could have been several calls for it. Like if you sit for long periods of time, you can have like you can have emblems or something in your leg where like they'll just like, you know, it's it's it. But it's probably a heart attack anyway. The guy is like 450 pounds. That's a huge, messy man. So he falls forward and he's kind of just perched on like midway down some stairs. His arms flailed out, basically right at Malthus's feet.

Malthus kind of cheeses it while everyone's looking at him. Like, good day. Cheeses. But it is at a slow and deliberate walk. Right. It's like, but let's let's be clear. Ninety percent of the crowd is looking at you the entire time. So it wasn't like you were sneaking anywhere. There were two parties. One of them's dead. You are the guy who's like, oh, my God, that tiefling. What did he do? What did you do? And then you're just like, huh? You're back out. Then Duncan starts playing a guitar. Duncan starts playing a guitar and then Ironhide whips out an electric whip and lashes the back of their mayor.

Now, they don't know that like your robot brain, your robot brain figured there's a 10 percent chance I could I could bring him back to life with this. All they saw is you take out an electric whip and slap the back like just take out a chunk of his clothing and sheer like his skin. Basically, you you burnt the back of his skin and just like then you just stand there after the whip strike waiting for a heart beat or something. Nothing happens. And everyone just gasps. Can I heal him? Face poems. I have a plus seven on heal. He is stone cold dead. A lifetime of bad decisions.

And that was a 14 anyway. So you got basically here. Here's the hierarchy of town. Normally. Oh, shit. The captain of the guard normally would take his place, but he's incapacitated. Oh, and he may die. They're still waiting. Like he lost a tremendous amount of blood and the shot could kill him anyway. He lost a whole arm and he'll even if he heals up, he'll basically have a desk position anyway. It's a one arm man. What's he going to do? Yeah. So it would be the priests. Oh, it would it would be the priests say. And basically he just tells you to go. Just just go.

You don't have to leave town. Just just leave. Let us sort this out. Like he saw the whole thing. He knows, you know, the tiefling didn't cast a spell or anything like that. But you're not at the top of his favorites list. But maybe you should venture out of town. Maybe you should venture. Maybe take a trip. Maybe. And he tosses you. He tosses Duncan a hexagonal object before you leave. And he said, I wanted to give this to you earlier. This is the key that opens that book. Ian swiped it just in case someone besides him won the tournament and got that book. So he took the key to make sure that it would be useless to whoever had it.

Thanks, bro. Does Malchus notice this happen or am I too far away? You left. You're just outside the door, just kind of like stretching, just making sure no one enters like, whoo, brisk today. Just like trying to not look suspicious. Nothing to see in there, that's for sure. Just a banquet like that, that kind of thing. So there's good and alive. Hey, sure is as alive as we went in. Nothing has changed there. I'll tell you. So the priest just kind of tosses it to you and just says, yeah, just just go, please. Just just go. I imagine Malchus just sort of walking down the road, just kind of mumbling to himself.

It's totally alive and I can't believe this. It's totally up to you guys what you want to do right now. Well, I mean, that really doesn't seem to be any other option besides go into the swamp. Right. Well, what else can we do? I was I was hoping one of the guards would ask me what I did to him because I was going to do my CSI Miami one liner of I got in an argument with him, but apparently he didn't have the heart for it. Hey, I got an idea. He said that we don't have to leave town, but we do have to get out of that building where the banquet is. Yes. Right.

Why don't we go check out the guy that got his arm ripped off? He's missing like that, like they took him away to a. How is he missing? But he's also being treated. That's that. Yeah, he's not in town. They took the medics, took him away. I was telling you earlier, they took him away to like a monastery or something wherever they would treat. Let's go back to the dungeon and start mapping it. Can we do that? That was months ago. Weeks ago. OK, I will say all I'm going to say is you do have both the book and the key. That's all I'm going to say. Money. Hey, let's open your money.

You guys got money. You guys got a book and a key. You got a bad reputation in town and you got a few different things you can go do. Go to the strip club. Let's open that book. Jason, I just want to give you credit for for giving us the most enlightened townsfolk reaction ever based on what just happened. Like of all of all the stuff that could have gone down, the fact that we're leaving this banquet hall in the west is it puts you in a rare class of dungeon master. Well, you have to realize that we were heroes going in. That's the thing. It's a very mixed feeling for them.

It's like, wow, these guys really you know, they've protected us that you think they look at you as saviors. And then that happens. And it's like you have never been the guy that they look to. It's like, well, those guys must have really tamed that tiefling. Man, that's really like they don't look at you as the guy that like they look at you as like you begrudgingly help them out or you did it for profit or you did like. But this like it's it's kind of a really sour mark against you guys, but it's nothing like they're not going to rise up against you.

Like we also don't know what the general feeling was about the mayor in town either. Right. It's yeah, there's a lot there's a lot of factors at play. So we're basically just value neutral again. It's just whatever we do next should probably get us a better reputation than this. I would hope. It would be a power struggle also. I don't think singing and dancing will do it. If anybody wants some singing and dancing, I got this cover. OK, so so is there a chance that if we open this book that we wouldn't be able to do Tyler's? No, it's well, it's a book. Right.

I didn't know if it was going to like whisk us away into a magical world or something. Well, if I told you that, then that if I told you what's going to happen, if you pick either one, then that's not very fun. I'm discussing it with my. Oh, OK. Well, OK. Sorry, I was disembodied voice. Ignore me. That's the thing is like, do we want to explore the book? Tyler's we get the book will still be here. We only have about 24 hours. Take care of take care of Thoril here. Yeah. I when you if you if you put it in those terms in front of MALCUS, MALCUS says we should you know, this seems very powerfully magical.

You probably shouldn't we probably shouldn't start a new problem before we help our friend. Now, there's always the possibility, though, that whatever we have to do to help Thoril would be easier by us opening this book. It's you know what? MALCUS has used up his risk, his risk total for today. Talking, talking smack to the mayor. Thoril. How do you feel about Thoril? How do you feel about being a vampire? Like I said, I feel like this is something that will much more negatively affect you guys than it will me in the long run. I feel like there's like I'm going to do something bad and I can do nothing to stop it.

I feel like that's what you talk about. Like we're a married couple that disagrees on political candidates or something like put a sour spin on the rest of our relationship. We're going to go to Ikea later. I'm a practicing vampire. So does I mean, unless Ironhide objects, I think we need to hear Thoril's kind of an important member of our party. I don't think like we're just in the book. What ever like what bad things ever happen from open a book? I'm just going to use my context clues real quick. And considering that the DM at the beginning said you will be able to go one of two ways.

And we are forced with the decision right now whether to open the book because there's no other way or him. I'm assuming if we open the book, we're not going to be able to help Thoril. Did anyone do a check on the book? We were going to do an arcane check and then we got interrupted. No, we did. You did an arcane and you did an arcana check and I told you about that. Oh, let's do a history check. Who's got the history? I believe that's you. Well, considering you're the one who does a history check on every tree branch and bush. I have a vet. I have an endurance.

My counterpoint to what bad thing could happen if we open a book is Jumanji. That was a board game. Completely different. My counterpoint to you is Zathura, which was awesome. How about a split? Oh, wow. Oh, OK. I learn everything about it. It's all mine. OK. Ironhide knows exactly what this book is. What's the book, Ironhide? Accessing data banks. Would you like to know more? This is the last will and testament of Grom. Grom! I love that guy. He's pretty cool. Now, let me give you a little backstory on this guy. Now. Long, long time ago now, everything's kind of little kingdoms or hamlets or towns, but they're used to just basically be two brands in terms of of of kingdoms.

And there was the eastern kingdom of of Solas and the western kingdom of Rancer. And basically you kind of had the eastern side was much more war driven and and and they just kind of want to take over everything. And the continent was basically split in half. Are we in one of those areas right now? Are we in one of those two? Well, they don't really exist anymore. But like the historical... Historically, you'd historically you'd be on the western half. OK. Yeah, historically. So basically this is centuries ago. So this is the kind of thing that was history and then it became legend and some of it became myth.

And so long story short, the eastern half of Solas had this incredibly powerful warrior. I call him Drach. His name is goddamn Drach. I don't know why I said Grom. I was thinking Conan. So Drach was their their guy. Like he was their god of war. He was their guy. And he rose to the ranks and they basically sent him on suicide missions at first. He was just a guy. And the kingdom of Solas, they didn't really care. They just they just like sweep sweep western and just take everything. And the guy not only turned out to be an incredible fighter, but he had he had a pretty good mind for it, too.

They eventually made him a general and he had his own army that he led across. He was basically Alexander the Great for the kingdom of Solas. And he took victory after victory and cleaved his way western and just took it like they basically sent him to capture key key points. Because I mean, you can't really win. Like this is a huge continent. You like he couldn't win everything. So the rest of what was going on was pretty much a stalemate. It was 50/50. And any time these guys wrote in, they took whatever their goal was. They always won. So the guy basically became like a living legend.

So much so. Like Larry Zabisco. Yes. Like exactly like you're. I love that we keep dropping wrestling thing. And I know Rob is like, I don't know who that is. I don't know. I know somebody. If you make if you make references to older wrestling stuff, I do know some of that. I used to watch that on Saturday mornings after cartoons. Gotcha. Nothing older than Larry Zabisco. We need to find a Razor Ramon. It is the only thing that can take out a Larry Zabisco is a Razor Ramon. Pokemon. Yes. You need to find a wild Razor Ramon. So this guy became so legendary in the western in the western halves that the western armies of Rancer would completely if they knew they'd be going up against this guy, they completely avoid him.

And not only that, they would abandon posts. They would because to go against this guy was a death sentence. And there were even instances of mid-battle armies finding out that or specific soldiers and armies finding out is like, oh, shit, that's him. They would kneel down and accept death. That's how famous this guy was. It's like, I don't want to drag this out. Just hit me right here in the noggin. Go ahead. Just end it. I don't want this to drag out like they didn't want to be cursed with the shame of fleeing battle, but they also didn't want to stand toe to toe with this guy's army.

And it wasn't even that his army was that big. It was a sizable army, but it wasn't it wasn't like us. It was a leader. Yeah, it wasn't a Persian Sparta thing. This was it was this guy like he's, you know, so it was a pendulum that kind of swung both ways. This guy was that famous that he basically gave a buff to his troops for being there. And it was it was the exact opposite for the guys he was facing. His nickname became the voice of pain. He had this nasty, horrible war shriek during battle, and it was something that even with the screaming of, you know, a thousand guys on the battlefield, you can hear him distinctly.

So this continued for years. And then one day in the middle of battle, he stops. Just stops. It was it was. That's my phone. OK. Do you want to stop? No, I'm going to just. Yes, I'm just declining it. It's fine. You can take it if you want. There's no big deal. It's it's probably important. Oh, OK. Rob, I need you desperately. It's just his mom who's in the hospital. Don't worry about it. Oh, OK. So nothing important. It is my mom, but she's not. I'm just saying pick up the phone, Rob. So so in the middle of battle, the guy backs off and just stops and the rest of his soldiers kind of clean up.

And then he's he starts moving north like he stops. He completely cuts off contact with with Solis. He just in the after a battle abruptly, just one day stops, starts heading north. Solis has no contact with him anymore. And Rancer actually ended up winning the war years later because of that. They looked at it as either he died or abandoned. They looked at it as a huge buff, like they don't have that guy anymore. Holy shit. And they use that as momentum to win the war eventually. Which is probably better because Solis was much more into slave trading and they just were kept.

Yeah, it just would have kept expanding. They would have looked to new continents. And so it's it's rumored. That drop and his men lived out the rest of their days in the mountains. Like just basically there's the the the they're called the frozen mountains of Therbeale. And nothing is alive up there that you'd want to run into. I mean, there's no it's completely uninhabitable. At least it's rumored to be. No one usually once it becomes a certain temperature, people just stop moving north. It's like, well, fuck this. I can't grow anything. I can't I can't hunt anything.

So, you know, so they just stop. Now, what this book is, is the guy's last will and testament and a map that lead you to his tomb and something buried very deep within it. And the thing basically for anyone who knows about the book, it's there's only been a few who have looked inside of it. And it's the legend of him is only rivaled by what is inside this tomb. It never goes into specifics. It never it. But it's it's supposed to be something of untold importance and wealth. Well, thank you for that. Ironhide. Those beautiful time. Ironhide's got in Carta installed.

So. Yeah, but it's going to be it's it's not going anywhere. No one else has this book. I do want to say this. That book with the key is something that is incredibly valuable. I want to do in just immensely valuable, like people will kill for that book. Exactly. We'll get attacked. Foreshadowing. Just letting you know, like there's no I mean, I mean, take all the war heroes you can think of and put them in like this guy is that like he is like it's it's kind of become basically another Ready Player One reference. That is the treasure at the end of that is like, you know, but like a mystery.

I totally get it now. Yes. Put it in the terms that I understand. It's become it's become the thing where people knew about it. And, you know, there's been many who ventured up north to look for it. And now that it's been clarified of where it is, there's going to be a lot of people coming after. Well, you guys know where it is. People know we have the book that says where it is. Yes. Like a lot of people like it's it's become that thing of legend where it's like, oh, it's just no book. No, I mean, no one knows what it looks like on site because it's not like there's an Internet to look up pictures of it once you have it in your hand.

And, you know, Justin knew what it was. So it's oh, wow. Shit, I know what this is. Well, I think we should split up. Excellent idea. Yeah, that always goes well. First thing they teach you in D&D split the party. Well, this seems like a major decision. Maybe we should take five and all. Think about it individually. I think that would be good. And maybe get a drink. Yeah. Like what? Did he have some kind of weapon or something? This guy was the single greatest warrior on the planet. Weapons. He had many weapons and armor and men who were equally outfitted. It isn't just that, though.

There's it's never specifically stated in the book that he has weapons and armor there, but that's where he lived and was. He buried himself there. It's bad ass. It's pretty bad ass. He just buried himself. No one was good enough to build his tomb. Right. He built his remaining days. He built a legacy to his awesomeness, essentially. OK. OK. Here's I feel like I cannot possibly put this in starker contrast to let you know why Malkus is choosing what he's choosing. I think you're dancing on a table or else you're about to proclaim something to all of us. Gentlemen, gentlemen.

I just killed a man by accident. Well, Malkus, Malkus's declaration about our situation was let's look at the facts. Friends who might be irreversibly a vampire in 24 hours versus treasure that's been hidden effectively for untold millennia. Yeah, but people are going to know that we have the book and therefore if we go after the Tyler stuff, then we can get attacked and have an even harder time doing that. Well, let me say this. While people didn't physically I mean, everyone in the banquet hall kind of saw him handed to you. He didn't make a big deal out of it.

It wasn't like, ladies and gentlemen, like, but priest didn't make a big deal of watching Tyler trying to lunch for his third either. But he's seen it. Well, the big deal here is that that was always kind of the grand prize for winning this thing. No one's ever done it. So there are very few people at this point in the loop, so to speak, knowing what that book is. Like what it what it stands for, what it means. I mean, people always kind of see the cash as the prize. Like that's the prize and the notoriety and the fame that comes along with you guys winning.

The book is this kind of thing where like there's there's shadowy cabals of people who know what that book is, what it does. You know, you know who's in possession. I imagine they would have a plant inside the town. I mean, I can't tell you about any of that. I'm just letting you know what the facts are. I imagine at some point we're going to be having a one armed man coming after us. So this isn't this we're not talking about we're not talking about the Thieves Guild. We're talking about the Dark Brotherhood coming after us, basically. I mean, there you ever have a you ever have a rumor that gets at I mean, like no one knows what's in this thing, but they know who that guy was.

And anything that I mean, anything that would be buried with him has to have such astronomical importance or power. We're talking about Illuminati type shit. Yes. Yeah. Now, I will say that if you choose to go after that treasure, the kid gloves are off, gentlemen. Traps and and monsters and stuff will I mean, they could kill you. That's all I'm going to say. That's that's that's I mean, like we've we've I mean, I haven't been pulling punches, so to speak, but I have been. It's not like I'm putting in monsters that are going to, you know, take your head off in one swipe or traps that could, you know, crush you with.

I mean, like that kind of shit is around now, like the tutorial is over. This is I mean, this shit's for keeps now. Do you mean like do you mean like it's hard but still level appropriate or. Yeah, no, I'm not. Yeah, I'm not like I am actively trying to kill you. It's not like that. But I'm just letting you know that like you guys have basically fought two or three types of monster. You know what I mean? And you know what I mean, Rob? Where I mean, controllers and lurkers and rovers and brutes and all that stuff like now it's it's I'm using the full breadth of the D&D monster catalog.

Pushers and dealers. Pushers and dealers, pimps and hoes. Well, see, my my main thing is once we get into the hard stuff, we're going to need Thorl. Oh, that's everything. Everything from here on out. That not just that. I mean, that is so what you're trying to say is that you're forcing us down an area because we don't have five feet. No, I'm not forcing you down anything. I'm telling you that the world's a big scary place now. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. And and if we in Thorl is kind of the guy that's got about got inside of a lot of jams. And if he's fucked up being a vampire.

This shit's going to be OK. Yeah, but it's easily dealt with. How is it easily dealt with? Well, you heard that blood's blood. And as long as we have like some vials of blood like on him while we're around the house or something like that, that's cool. And then we're going down to just feeds on people. But I also have this gut feeling like we're going to be in the middle of a battle and it's just going to be like Jason's just going to go and Malchus is bleeding. And now Tyler has to roll a saving throw to make sure he doesn't rip his throat out and eat him.

That's a possibility. But also is a bigger possibility that we can also get jumped on the way over there and not that like sucker like like like a bunch of sucker bitches. I don't know if it's a bigger possibility. You know what I mean? Like I well, here's the thing. If we get jumped, that's still that's a battle. So then we have to fight. I would never put you guys in situations and you're all knocked out and all your things are still I wouldn't do that. Like that's not there's no fighting chance there. That's not I'm just saying like the odds are of a shadowy cabal or something like that.

Not keeping an eye on the town where it's like, holy shit. And somebody won. And all these people come across the way to watch this fight. And it turns out somebody won. That wouldn't get out. Well, if we go to save, that's fine. If we if we go saving to try to save Thoreau, we're going to get attacked. That's that's the way it is. If we don't try to save him, then we're going to end up. It'll be much easier now going through this than trying to have to deal with it now that we're going to get into the harder stuff. Right. All right. At least now, if we get jumped, we know we could we stand a very good chance.

OK, it's a nice. That's for people, so there's no way there could be a time. I'm going to go to just about to pose the question to the world being that it's his skin on the line. What are you comfortable with? Thoril, you know? I would just just because I feel like it will help us more out in the end. We should probably go to the swamp and try to fix this now. Malchus sides with Thoril. I strongly believe that we should just keep going. Like we could use this for an advantage. Make the enemies bleed like he gets all sex nuts and retard strong and just starts charging them and hitting them even harder.

But if you remember, there was that whole time that I went sex nuts and retard strong on you. Only because a glitter vampire looked at you. And you don't think that's not going to happen again? You're the glitter vampire. You can look at people and tell them, hey, attack your friends. Well, we don't know. We don't know. We don't know exactly how this is going to affect Thoril yet. There could just as easily be somebody who could very easily like, oh, and he can mind control vampires. And by the way, think of it like that first Spider-Man movie where he kind of is knocked out for a while.

And like he goes through a tremendous amount of pain, then wakes up with these newfound powers. That's going to like there's going to be pros and cons. Like it's not going to be a thing where I mean, right now he's kind of feeling that hunger, that urge. And like the sun has set, gentlemen. I'm just letting you know, like, can we run a perception check on Tyler? Well, I mean, you can you can absolutely run a perception check on you, but none of you are experts in vampirism. None of you are. I mean, like it's basically you can see that. I mean, you know, he was wounded in that fight.

None of you really thought about checking it out. But inside. Insight is mainly just to see if he's like if you're checking to see if he's going to lunge forward and bite you. You don't have anything to worry about. You're you're you're a robot. Yeah. History. I mean, you can have Thor will give you his life story. This is a racially motivated decision. Anything to worry about? I've got blood. He's got blood. OK. It's got demon blood. I'm going to I if we're if we're just going purely majority vote, I have to say this. I don't want to deal with an angry Thor at some point, which I feel like is eventually going to happen.

Knowing knowing our dungeon master. Why? Why would I ever steered you guys wrong? When I will say this. The way things have worked out have been severely interesting because the the biting was completely random. The fact that like that was down the chain of things I wanted to do. And it just so happened to hit your most powerful teammate where you got like I mean, Dan and Rob weren't even present at that time. And the way it's worked out has just been very interesting. That's all. I just want to say that. But it's completely in your guys hands because I don't want to be accused of if this was me, if I had been bitten by a vampire, I'd say, well, yeah, I'd say let's go to the place.

Let's you know, because who cares? Like, I'm not going to hurt anybody. Thor is the strongest person we have. And if it's about what it's just about, raises voice at that. But then he decides it's better off not to be strong at a certain thing or another. Yeah, no, I mean, I mean, I mean, literally strong. I don't mean like, you know, have brute force brute force. He can he can take you out in one hit. And that would be my issue. My my my is purely out of fear of Thor. And then you've got a situation you have an you have an ex-com ish situation where one of your teammates gets mind controlled and your choices are murder your teammate or get away from or try and get the fuck away from me.

Like back up. Like, I mean, your options are slim. OK, how about this, then? Obviously, I'm not going to win this. I say since I have the most hit points, I carry the books. I am OK with that. Sure. We should separate the book in the key. So you're not going to leave it at home. Oh, OK. No, we shouldn't. No, I'm just asking. I'm on the desk. The question was raised. What if we get jumped? My counterpoint to that is what's the most dangerous thing that we've all met so far? And the answer to that is each other. So this is the best place for the book to be. Like wherever we go is the best place for the book to be.

I think we should separate the book and the key to like I said, I think one of us should hold the book, one of us hold the key. Maybe even Thorold should hold the key. Thorold. I say give it to Malchus. Yeah, I just look and trust myself right now. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we give it to Treyas? I say we give it to Duncan. I don't trust myself. I say that because we have a tiefling, which apparently this is the deep south and they don't take too kindly to tiefling. So they'll be the shadow of him first. Oh, you know what? Maybe I should take it because I have high diplomacy so I can always kind of...

Yeah, you can diplomasize! I love that you... You know by experiencing you. I know, that's what I'm saying. I love that you specced high in both diplomacy and intimidation. And streetwise. And streetwise. What if you just dramatically more exercised than the other? Yeah. Well, my diplomacy I didn't specc high. I missed high. That was just something that came along with the character. So we can't give it to Treyas? That's out of the question? Uh, no. I mean, he is separated from the group right now. He's in deep thought. Yeah, he's out in the walkabout. He's kind of looking over at a cliffside, over a waterfall, just kind of thinking.

Okay, I'll hold onto the key. Alrighty. Duncan? Yeah. Oh yeah. So you guys are going off to the swamps of Yimgar, right? Yeah. Wait, we're going to Yimgar? Fuck. I changed my vote. No one said a fucking thing about Yimgar. What is the climate there? Swampy. Are they dwarves? It's midsummer. Are they dwarves? So it's going to be nice and Yimish. Not too many dwarves in the swamp. Okay, cool. Let's go. Racist against his own kind. Okay, so how far away is this town from what destination we're going to? It's going to be a few hours easy. Like, it'll probably end up taking you about four or five hours on foot.

It's going to be southeast. And then the forest kind of turns into a swampy shit hole. It is almost completely uninhabited. There's a reason this witch lives out there. I guess it's only fair to give you a little background. We're essentially going to the bayou. Yeah, it's not pleasant. And the things that live there make it not pleasant on top of being not pleasant. Can we spend our money? You can. I would have to reload all your characters and everything. Never mind. Forget it. You guys outfitted yourselves pretty well before the tournament. You're not going to be seeing anything out there that's going to be worse than the purple worm.

It's not like, "Oh, only if we had a sword of judgment we could smite these people." It's like, "No, it's not going to be like that." That being said, there's nasty shit out there, but it's more the environment than what lives there. One last thing I totally just remembered. Can we at least back-burner the issue of coming back here and freeing any orc slaves? Look, if we're going to make a mayor have a heart attack over it, we should probably follow through. Yeah, this is an ongoing thing. You still live here. That's right. This is where our headquarters is now, isn't it?

Yes. Oh, great. You guys, though three of you have been knighted up north in Winterhaven. Who's that? That would be Duncan. Everyone but me and Treyas. Yes, everyone but him. I was knighted too? Yeah, remember you started- Before I got my kids. That was before you ate your kids, or at least what you thought to be your children. Well, turns out they weren't. I'm just saying. We'll get there. [laughter] I love that that's canon. You ate your children. So, there's no dwarves in this one? I mean, it's highly unlikely. But again, it's highly unlikely to see a tiefling in Overdale, so you never know.

I'm just going to confide in you guys. I'm not racist against dwarves. There's just certain dwarves I don't want to see. And that's all. That's all it is. [laughter] It sounds like you've got a family blood feud or something you're trying to avoid. No, well, no. There's no blood feud. Maybe my father wouldn't approve of my profession. That's all. And I haven't seen my father since I was like two. Malchus drops the issue. He's satisfied. Barding is like prostitution in the dwarven community. [laughter] Well, I just recently found out that I'm not half-human.

Remember? Yes. You're too charismatic. [laughter] So, you're making for the swamps. You guys are taking off. The sun is set. And it's taken you a few hours to get there. It is pitch black outside. So, let's get you guys... What the fuck is that? Whoa, that happened without our active effort. Yes. Have you been learning new features for the interface? I have. I have. Nice. If you guys want to start right up top there, you can pretty much... just before the bridge, for those of you who can't see it at home, it looks like a shit hole. It's a swamp. Any swamp... I mean, just the swampiest swamp that ever swamped.

Now, the way this is going to work, it's not ideal to even come here on foot. It's less ideal to come here at night. Uh, Jason? Yes? I can't place my character. Why not? It just comes up as red everywhere. Oh, there you go. I finally did. I guess people were too crowded together, so I couldn't at first. That's weird. But I got it. Awesome. So it's less ideal to come here at night, because the terrain is... the entire thing is just set up basically to impede progress. I mean, it's just nasty, and it smells, and it's just not great. So what we're going to do is, you guys are going to basically picture yourselves walking through this nasty-ass swamp, ankle-high in muck.

Even on what is considered dry land. It moves beneath your feet as you guys move. It's spongy. It reeks. Just the worst swampy reek. It kind of smells like a cesspool. So, uh... I can't smell. So it doesn't bother you. Awesome. So, excuse me, that is delicious water. That sounds like somebody just forced you to get into the water. You guys can hear things moving. Alright. You hear movement, but it's incredibly dark. To everyone except Tyler. Because, uh... Basically, he's going through the change now. His vampirism has basically... I mean, it's like getting an infection and then not checking up on that for weeks, and then it's like, "Oh, wow, look at that!" So, he's basically got low-light vision.

Or at least a touch of it. So he can kind of see where there's a walkable path, and he can kind of see where something... He kind of sees outlines of things. This would be a sucky ability to have. It's considered bad for him to walk through the swamp with torches or lanterns. Malphus has low-light vision as well. Yes, he does. Forgot about that. Tieflings. So, both you and Thor will see what's up. You can see the path ahead, you can see your boots kind of getting stuck in the muck and such and such. You guys are making your way through. And if you guys want to get right across that bridge...

Okay, well, I don't know about that. I don't see where anything could go wrong here. Wham mine! Bang! Yeah, I feel like with the terrain, we're sort of pigeon-holed in certain places here. Yeah, so just right there is fine. Anywhere. It doesn't matter. Hey, Dan, under your details for Duncan, does he have any special vision? I feel like dwarves have one of the two. Low-light or dark. Let me check. Details. Because they're cave-dwelling folk. We are. Vision, low-light. I do have low-light vision. Holy shit! Wait a minute. Does Ironhide have something like that too?

Nope, I would have visioned normal. Okay, nope. I'm gonna be like no tiefling. No need to eat, breathe, or sleep. Yeah, I've been waiting for something like that to happen. Yeah, give it time. Everyone go ahead and roll a dexterity check. Ooh! Is there... Ooh, that's the bad one. Yeah, I got a zero for that. So I don't want to roll. So I refuse. And 17! Holy Christ. Okay. Ooh, I got a nice five. My dexterity will win. Ooh, you. What do you... Dexterity, because I have to tan on one side and zero on the other. I forget. Just take the modifier, so yours would be zero. Okay, 20 or...

So you're just rolling a straight 20. Okay, then what's the 10? The 10 is your dexterity, but I'm looking for... Like, when I say roll a check, you're taking the modifier from that and adding that to your d20. Yeah. Dan, that larger number is used to qualify for feats. Gotcha. Well, I got an 18, so that's not so bad. Yeah, like a stubby little dwarf isn't very... You know, he's not going to be jumping around or doing it. Like, he's not very... He's got better than me, and I'm a 300-pound monstrosity. Okay, so 18, 17, and... Rob? Did you roll already? Nine. Nine.

Ooh, okay. You three are stuck in the mud. What? Well, you're basically, for all intents and purposes, immobilized. Tyler is not. Now, out of your peripheral, you can hear something coming towards you. Now, something that's very common in this swampy area are something called vine monsters, basically. Vine horrors. They have a bunch of different names, but they wait for people. They are stealthed in the darkness, and they wait for people to get stuck and then kind of descend upon them. So that's what's happening right here, guys. So you're basically stuck there until save ends.

So you're going into combat now. So let me just add... Right there. What is that? Vine monsters, vine horrors, whatever you want to call them. They're basically creatures made almost entirely of brush and vines. Which doesn't sound very intimidating, but wait till you see what they can do. Fun stuff. So, everyone roll initiative! Seventeen. Not terrible. Sixteen. Not terrible. Seventeen. Not terrible. Alrighty. Wait! I fucked up initiative plus two, so that's really... Nineteen. Dan, you got a sixteen? Um, yes. And Tyler, you said seventeen? Is Rob still here? Yeah, I was just waiting for you to ask for my number.

Oh, yeah. What's your number? Nineteen. Okay, cool. One idea might hate to be barraged with information when I'm trying to multitask, so I was just waiting for my prompt. Oh, okay. Yeah, initiative, man. God damn. Yeah, so these guys are going to be going first. They go first. So, let's see. Vine Monster number two is going to use his whip attack. He's going to use that on Duncan. Because he's right next to you. So, let's see. Let me have it show my dice roller there. There we go. That is a d20 plus eight. Fourteen. Against what? AC. Oh, no. Oh, wait. Has a... Uh, yeah, that'd be AC.

Nope. Just making sure. Vine Monster number one is going to move right into Malkus here and take a whip at him. Ten. Jesus. These are lawful rolls. Yeah, nothing. And it's Ironhide's turn. Alright, do I have to roll to get out of the mud? That's a save ends thing. Oh, it's the end of the turn? Yep. Alright, um, I can't do a basic range attack, can I? I think you're in range for your lightning lure, right? Well, I'm saying, like, am I going to hit somebody? Uh, it says you have, uh, it says you have, uh, line of sight. Oh, how do you know that? There's a little line of sight program built into the thing.

If you go up and you see the little eyeball... Oh, yeah? ...says line of sight mode, you draw a painter to one target to the other and it'll tell you if you have line of sight. That's cool. Yeah. It, it, it, I know it was built in to alleviate arguments. I know it was. How do you do that? Do you, okay, all the way at the top, do you see the little pointers, like with the hand and stuff like that? Oh, oh, up there, yeah, okay. There's also a journal on the side to take notes and things like that. That's weird. Alright. So, what do you want to do here? Um, gotta use lightning and lures then.

Okay. 25! 25 will hit. Oh, god damn it. Uh, that means he's drug over to you, if I remember correctly. Yeah, yeah. Now, does that deal damage? I forget. Let me see. Yeah, it's six, I die plus my, uh, six. Alright, cool. Which is nine! And nine damage. You're drowning now, buddy. Uh, yeah, that doesn't affect them at all. It doesn't affect them because I hit them with the lightning lure and I drug them in the water. Uh, well the hit affected them, but like it's not, yeah, the terrain doesn't bother them. They're from here. I don't understand, like I didn't know if it was like, getting in the water or not.

Okay, cool. Uh, let's see here. Oh, roll a 20 side die. Just a straight 20. Straight. Six. Uh, six, nope. Still stuck in the mud. Almost a crit. Marcus! Okay, uh, yeah, I'm immobilized, so I'll just swing at the target that he pulled over. Isn't that convenient? Yep. Uh, so I manifest my Blade of Annihilation and Soul Eater. 25. Uh, oh yeah, that'll hit. Whatever defense it is, that'll hit it. Yes. D12 plus nine. Oops, too many. There we go. 16. 16 is a solid hit. It's necrotic damage if that matters. Uh, no, no, it doesn't matter to these specific guys. They don't have any immunities or anything, but, um, yeah.

Uh, I think that's all from, yep, that's all from Malchus. Uh, roll a saving throw there. Save. And I'm free. How does it tell you that it's, um, you're in somebody's line of sight or something? Like it's not gonna interrupt with anybody else standing around it? Well, basically it just paints a straight line between what you're painting and what it'll, it'll show you if it goes through anybody. Oh, okay. You use that tool to draw from one corner of your square to a corner of their square. Yeah, I didn't know if it was like saying, like, if it would tell you, "Yeah, you can't do that," or...

No, well, it's just, you can see it. Like if the line goes through another character, obviously, then that's, you don't have line of sight, or an object. Um, so you're free, Malchus. You're good. Uh, Thoril. Tyler. I had my mute on. Oh. Guys, guys, can you hear me? I'm sitting here trying to decide. I'm like, they're not really doing your... Alright, um... Yeah, I guess I'll just do a basic attack on two. D20+11. I'm really liking these new, um... Attack modifiers. 27! Okay, let me tell you something. Uh, along with your low light vision, you notice as you grip your axe, like you just feel like your arm just feels, just like you want to put a little something extra into it.

Uh, as a result, you're gonna get a +1 to attack rolls and a +1 to damage rolls. Yeah, this is a bad idea, keeping this powers. Just throwing that out there. Um... So... I don't think that would have determined whether or not I hit or miss with that last attack. No, no, I'm just, this is just for your edification, just letting you know. So yeah, that obviously hits him, yes. 27 is fucking big. D10+11... 12 damage. So that's 13 damage. Could have done much worse. Uh... I added the one extra already. Oh, well then, okay. And then, offhand... That is... 26. Uh, that'll hit.

Six... 15. 15, alright. Really maxed out that hit. Would have been nicer if I didn't get a 1 on that damage roll. Uh, you kind of notice as you hack and slash at these things, they just kind of, like, it's like hitting seaweed or something. It's not a very satisfying thud when you hit these things. Or like a thump, right? Kind of, yeah, just kind of like hitting a lump, like a, like a, like a, like someone has a bunch of leaves in their yard that are a big wet pile and you hit it. There's nothing satisfying about that. As soon as you've stored your axes at it as hard as you can.

Uh, Duncan! Oh, uh, uh, throw a saving throw there, Tyler? Tyler wasn't trapped. Oh, that's right, you were trapped. You're fine. So don't do it. Don't listen to me. I don't know what I'm doing. So me? Yes, you. Okay. Can I attack, uh... For number 2 up here, I can use a regular attack, right? Sure. Okay, so I don't have to like... You're standing right next to him, yeah. Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay. Uh, war song, strike, uh, I'll sing, um, "Get Free" by The Vines, and uh... Jesus Christ. Yep, get it. See what I did there? Yeah. Alright, cause I'm trying to get free, and then the vine?

No, I, yes. 16. Uh, 16 will miss. Damn. Okay. I noticed the more clever the song choice you pick, the less likely it is to hit. Yep, yep. Usually Bon Jovi always hits, I know. Um, you wanna roll a saving throw there? Nah, no I'll do it. Uh, okay. Cause you can blame that poor swing on being stuck in the mud. Right. It'd throw for your balance. Right, exactly. 16. 16, you're out of the mud, you're good. Awesome. You are good. I had a 16. Uh, for your saving throw? No you didn't. No, not for the saving throw. But for stomping in the mud like a child. Oh, uh, vine monster number two.

Bam! Uh, he's gonna use his whip attack against Duncan again. Cause it's just so fun. It's just so fun. 20. Uh, my AC is 20. Well, then that hits. Yeah. Uh, that's a 1d8 plus four. Seven. Okay. Not too bad, not too bad. Uh, and then we got vine monster number one. It's obvious that their health is what gets them through the day. Uh, they're not real heavy hitters. They're basically, they're kind of predatory in that they're relying on you being stuck and kind of, yeah. I mean, they're not, they're not brutes or anything. They're situation people. Yeah. Uh, vine monster number one is going to attack, uh, Ironhide?

No. 18. Nope. Okay. Uh, and that'll bring Ironhide's turn. Go ahead. I'm going to attack the same one that tried to swing at me. With green flame blade. Again. Let's see, we got 20. 30. God damn, that'll hit. Yeah. Where is what I want? Here we go. Nine. Uh, nine is not... Christ, isn't that doing any damage? Well, you're landing the hit real big and then, okay, he's bloodied. Wow, really? Yep. Huh. Uh, you roll a saving throw. I'll do this. Five. Nope, still stuck. Wait, that was a ten sided die. 15. Okay, you're free. Yeah, I cheat the system. Malchus. Okay, um, Blazing Doom of the Void on the same guy I hit before.

Alrighty. Plus one to the attack because he's bloodied. 31. Ooh, almost a crit. Seriously, almost a crit. So close. Not one of Justin's. Uh, yes, that'll obviously hit. 2d12 plus nine. 17 damage. Very nice, very nice. You kind of see the thing wavering, like he doesn't have, uh, not a lot of pep in his step anymore. Was number two stronger? No. Same thing. 'Cause I know Tyler whacked him twice. Yeah, well, I mean, you hit him when you drug him over there, then you hit him, and then Malchus hit him. Uh, Thoril, speaking of which. Oh, yeah, you need to roll a saving throw, don't you?

Or you did it. No, you did it. No, I cleared it, but I will, I'll take a step away from this guy. Okay, cool. That's it for me then. Cool. Uh, Thoril. Alright, I can go for a cheeseburger. I don't know about anybody else. Mmm, cheeseburger. I'm with you. Nice one. Big one. Let's all go out for a cheeseburger together after this. Sweet. Yes, we're gonna be great. We'll meet in like Pennsylvania. Yeah. Neutral territory, excellent. Uh, um, just a basic attack here. 19. Uh, that'll hit. Cool, cool. 10 plus... 15 damage. Alrighty. And make your offhand swing. Offhand... So many times I just have to redo the bonus here.

Um, 20 plus... Oh, yeah, I gotta add a 1. 25. Alright, that hits. Did you add the 1 for damage? Yeah. Okay, good. Good, good, good. Uh, 6 plus... 12. Alrighty. Yeah, this thing's wavering too. You can just tell. It doesn't have much left. Uh, okay, you all done? Yep. Duncan. Okay, I'm going back to the well. Um, and I'm gonna use Warsong Strike. I know, shocking. Um, and since it's always done me so well in the past, as we just discussed, uh, you give love, oh no, we'll do Blaze of Glory. Yeah. By Bon Jovi, the theme song from Jump Guns 2. Sorry. 'Cause he's gonna go down in a blaze of glory.

With my 26. Thank you. Very nice. That's a hit. You should do some one man band or something. (laughter) Baby, take my hand. No. No. (laughter) Go ahead and roll damage. He's gotta be a future champion, so please. Get fucked. I'm a fan, dude. I was pumping out Heath Slater before everyone else was here. Fuck Heath Slater. Uh, 10. 10, nice. He kinda slumps over to the side. He's still alive though. Um, okay, so, let's see. If any ally hits the target before blah blah blah, they get my Constitution modifier in temporary hit points. Want that. Who here got a new move?

I think Malkus got a new move, didn't you? You got a new daily? Uh, yeah, but it's not really a combat one. It's more of an adventuring one. Okay, cool. I got a few. Okay. You did get a few new moves, that's right. I got a move too. Uh, so vine monster number two kinda slumps forward. He just kinda, like he's just kinda bobbing his head around. He's not real into it. He's gonna take one more swing at Duncan. Oh no. 17! No! Okay, and he whiffs. Vine monster number one is gonna take one, you know what he's gonna do actually? Go poop. Uh, he's gonna use Vicious Vines.

No, not like this. It's close burst five. Uh, let's see here. I gotta roll against each one of you. So, going, this is close burst five, so this will hit everybody. Uh, so I'm gonna go right down the line. Uh, it's a D. Wait, what's a blast? A blast is from a corner of your character out where, it's like a cone. A burst, yeah, a burst goes out all directions. Yeah. What's a radiant? Rad, that's a type of damage. Oh, gosh, yeah. Yeah. Like a flavor, like necrotic, or you know, like radiant damage, like hurts, uh, like zombies, that radiant damage hurts zombies way more, 'cause you know, holy light and all that good shit.

Yeah. And vampires. And vampires, yes. And tigers. I look at Thoril at that point, and I go, vampire. He's threatening for no reason. To keep him in line. Just to make sure he doesn't get too big for his bridges. Exactly. I'm not asking for any reason, don't worry about it. Uh, so Ironhide, 17, does that hit your reflex? My reflex is 17, damn it. Okay. Uh, you are entangled with vines. Bitch. Uh, that, this is for, uh, Duncan, 26. What do you think? Yeah. Uh, Malkus, 14, reflex. Uh, I, I, I escape it. Oh, wow, shit, good for you. That's right, I took that feat to boost my reflex.

Hey! Yes. Wow, that's weird. That's, that's, that came in handy. That actually was the math that saved me this time. Thoril, 26, does that hit your reflex? Yeah, I would think so. So, uh, Ironhide, Duncan, and Thoril, you are entangled in vines, which is essentially just like being stuck in the mud. Oh, so we can still attack, we just can't move. Yes, yeah, you're, you're, yeah, you're immobilized. And once he's dead, it doesn't matter anyway. Yeah, um, see, the difference is that, uh, there are vines wrapped around your feet, and there are also vines wrapped around your, your chest, neck, and, and head.

So it's a, uh, so we're gonna take a, uh, debuff one, uh... Well, you're gonna take ten damage every turn until save ends. Wow! Uh, that'll be, uh, at the end of each one of your turns, if you don't get out of it, you'll take ten damage, so... So this is one, right? Number one that did this? Yes. Good. Okay, got him. You can also make a strength check to get out of him, too. I'm just one man bad. Can we just do that now? Uh, on your turn. Okay. Uh, Iron Hood. These are powerful vines, I'll just say that. What's up? These are powerful vines, I'm just gonna say that.

Like, you are fairly well wrapped up. Your arms are free, but everything else is kinda, you know. So go ahead and do what you're gonna do. Alright, yeah, I'm gonna use Burning Blade. Okay. Or number one, I imagine. Yeah. Okay. Oh, that's a daily, okay. Uh, eighteen will miss. Fuck! That sucks. Uh, do you wanna, do you wanna do a strength check, or do you wanna try to... One second. Pfft! What's a strength check? Oh, I can't tell you that, but I mean, I can, yeah. No, what is it, what does it do? Oh, well, it's basically you trying to just brute force your way out of, like, just like flexing and trying to get out of him.

Can I use my action point? Sure, yeah. Is that what an enemy is? Believe it or not, I don't wanna be here. By the way, this is you stepping off the bridge into the swamp right there. Like, this is, this is the opening. Hehehe. Alright, I'm gonna use, uh, flame cyclo. Cyclone. Flame cyclone. Yeah. Twenty plus eight, which isn't great. Twenty-four? That'll hit. Great. And... Stop hitting me! Yeah! Fourteen. Uh... Fourteen will take him down. He kinda slumps over to the side, but the vines are still there, like, he's not dead. Alright. So now I gotta do a strength check?

If you want, you can do a strength check or a saving roll. I'll strength it, 'cause my endurance is good? That has nothing to do with that. No, not at all, not even a little bit. Uh, it's, it's your strength modifier plus, uh, a D20. My strength modifier is very good, it's a two. How about eight? Nope. Poop. Uh, so that's gonna deal two, uh, ten damage. Oh. That's the end of your, uh, and... Let's see who's next there. Malchus! Okay. Uh... I'll, I'll step back in and do another, uh, soul eater. Um... Because Blazing Doom of the Void hit last turn, uh, if I hit this turn I do plus five damage.

Very nice. He doesn't have much left in the tank. Okay, so I'll probably get him here, let's see. Uh, plus one to attack roll 'cause he's bloodied. Twenty-five. That hits. Uh, damage. Damage. Ten plus an additional five is fifteen. Dead. Cool. Totally dead. Uh, the vines kinda let loose and you guys are free to move about the cabin. So he doesn't drag us to hell with him or anything like that? No, no, no, nothing like that. He's just squeezing her chest. He's just, he's just giving you a big ol' bear hug. Uh, you're all done, Malchus? Uh, I get, um, uh... Math, where is it?

Hold on. You get ten hit points, don't you? Yeah, three temporary hit points. Yeah, I'm remembering. For what? For that last hit. For killing someone? It's a warlock thing. Yeah. Oh, okay. For being all buff and hot. True. Pack of Satan. Uh... Thoril, go ahead. Thor... Thoril? Thoril. I love it when you say Thoril. I don't know why. Give it to me some points. Thoril, go ahead. Thoril. Uh, yep, melee basic attack. Twenty. Uh, oh yeah, that'll hit. Oh. This is gonna be anticlimactic. Uh, seventeen. Dead! Woo! Super, super dead. So, uh, that is, that's all done. You're out of combat.

Uh, do you wanna take a quick drink break? Anything like that? Before we move on? I'm okay. Anybody? I'm cool. I can just drink. Okay, we'll take a break. Okay. Just, yeah, real quick, two minutes. Okay. I'm just gonna sit here. I'm good. We can't actually sleep now, can we, after this first fight? No, that's, you wanna, think about, like, think about the logic of that. It's like, alright, this is a deadly, deadly swamp we were just attacked. Let's make camp here, guys. And, uh, one of our guys is gonna be a vampire forever in a few hours, and we're going on a quest to stop that.

Let's take a nap. They're showing off all these cool, like, like, powers that he has, like, let's make sure we take those away from him. Yeah, it's cool now. Uh, let me, let me bring up two things. You are racing against the dawn. Uh, and, and, you, yes, you have seen a couple of the positive side effects. Uh, but, again, I mean, it's, you, what happened, what happened to vampire, the light outside. What he's saying is, we're gonna get a negative side effect before we get to the next play, before we get there. Like, what, what happens when it gets light outside the vampires?

They get strong. What happens when that happens normally? No, that's what I'm saying. That's my, that's my point. Uh, whose mythos are we guessing this on? Well, okay. 'Cause if it's the Twilight mythos, we're all okay. No, no, this is not the Twilight mythos. This is, uh, this is the same, this is the same mythos where radiant damage deals damage to vampires and things like that. It's the same, like, they burst into flames. Yes. I feel like it's not in our favor, guys. There you go. So there's your draw, there's one of your drawbacks right there. That old sunlight thing.

And you guys could exclusively quest at night. [Laughter] 'Cause that's always a great idea. You are out of combat. Uh, you can rest up if you'd like. You can, I mean, take a minute and use a healing surge. Yes, I will use a healing surge. Also, remember everyone gets my bonus. Yep. My boner. What is my boner? Uh, plus three per surge, I believe. Well, that was two levels ago, so I don't know if that's changed. Let me see here. Oh, man, we keep forgetting to use my, um, okay, let's remember this right now. Uh, my virtue of value, uh, virtue of valor, which is when an ally within five squares is bloody, it reduces a foe to zero HP, they gain a plus one, so they gain four temporary hit points.

Mm-hmm. So we need to remember that. Um, but for the singing thing, Song of Rest, they get my Charisma modifier, which is four. Four, so it's four now instead of three. There you go. Yes. So, you're gonna use a healing surge. Yeah, it's me and each ally, so. So we're getting to the point where, like, one healing surge can do pretty good. Yeah. Bonus value of four, bam, that's more than you needed. Uh, then Justin, I imagine you're gonna use a healing surge. Oh, wow, yeah, I only need one. It does 12. It does 16 now. Ahh, it's impossible. Dance thing. And Thoril and Malchus is fine, Malchus has got more than he needs.

You can cut those temps now. Yep. Bam. Okay, you guys hear crying. It sounds like feminine crying. And it's coming from just, just ahead of you, actually. Uh, go towards it. Turns out this is where Tries ended up. It's that elf. Wouldn't that be fucking weird? Like, how did you get here? I don't know. Uh, I know who it is. Oh, virtue, by the way, virtue of valor also gives plus two damage to any opponent now. So. For, that's after you bloody or... Right, after someone else bloodies or reduces a foe to a zero, they gain four temporary hit points and any enemies within five get two damage.

Oh, wow. Or plus two damage, so it's plus two damage to the person who kills them, sorry. Okay. Sorry. That makes more sense. Yes, it does. That's to say, just watching them get their, it's like, whoa, they take damage based on morale? I was trying to work that out in my head. Yeah, so like, if Thoril killed somebody, he would not only get the four temporary hit points, he'd also get plus two to his damage stuff. Yeah, good, he needs more. He does. Need me more. So, next to the shoreline here of the swamp is a little girl. Intimidate. Listen to me. Go ahead. She can't be more than eight years old.

Okay. She appears to either be a runaway or just lost something, but she's definitely out of her element and should not be here. Malkus comes to a stop and says, "Oh, dear, this didn't go well last time when I talked to children. Who's up?" I got this. Malkus has already killed a man in the last 24 hours. I mean, talk to people. Kids love her. Allegedly. Allegedly killed a man. Allegedly. Kids like me. I get down on one knee. Alright. And I go, "Hey, little girl, what's up?" What's the hat? Yeah, what's going on? I tussle her hair a little bit. At first she kind of recoils because you guys basically have come out of the darkness.

She doesn't have a torch or anything. She hears a lot of swords and armor and clanking and swinging and then nothing. And then you guys kind of come out like evolution, just kind of like marching out of the darkness towards this girl. And she can't really see you until you are up on her. So she kind of recoils and then she sees that you are covered in basically green slime and crap and gore. But it doesn't look like you're going to hurt her. And you kind of have a warm expression on your face. I was going to sing to her. Should I sing a little lullaby to her or something?

She's always taking a weird turn. I was going to do a little mood music. Go ahead. What is the Dwarven Age of Consent? Enough. That's all there is. They live really long so it's probably like 40 or 50. Yeah. So she just tells you she's lost and she wandered very far away from home. And you kind of start thinking back and the only town you saw was about two and a half hours back. I just want to... we huddle up. I don't want this girl to hear what I'm about to say. Can we huddle up for a second guys? We're going to see a witch. We're in a witch's swamp. This could be something bad.

Can we run an insight check or something on this to make sure she's actually what she claims to be? Sure. Okay. Who's got good insight? Not Malchus to my knowledge. I thought Ironhide did. Ironhide's got a lot of weird checks. What is it? Plus seven. I have plus seven too. Go ahead. Take a stab at it. Fifteen. Yeah. Fifteen. Okay. That's enough to know that she's truly scared. She's very scared and she seems legit. She's got this little tattered dress. She's been out here for a while. Enough to get good and lost. It's been hours easy. Okay. Maybe longer. So I turn back and I ask if she's hurt.

Are you hurt? She shakes her head no. Okay. Hungry though. Hungry. Do we have any food? Let's check our picks. Oh yeah. You guys got adventuring stuff. At least some bread wrapped up in a paper towel. Something. You guys got... Okay. I'll give her my bread. There you go. Possibly calm her down a little bit. Yeah. She won't eat much. It's just a little girl. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do we want to take her with us? Might as well just bring her back to that town. Yeah. I mean if we take her with us... If we're doing anything with her, I'm willing to just walk past. Yeah. I don't think we can leave her.

The sun's coming up. It is now about 3.30 AM. Oh Jesus. It'll be sun up by the time we get back and then we... that's it. I'm telling you right now if we bring her with us... we're huddled again. If we bring her with us and Thorold turns into a vampire, on one hand he will kill her. Maybe. On the other hand he won't kill us. So... I picture him running to the top while we run into the wood screaming. Yeah. See the problem... yeah. Okay. We don't have time to take her back right now. We can't take her with us. I think taking her with us is the better choice than just leaving her here straight up.

Is there any type of protection spell we can put on her or something? If any of you had that kind of mojo don't you think you'd be using that on yourselves all this time? She said that was a protection spell. The book itself is protected, yes. If you can find a way to put her in that book... Cut her up and put her in that book and she'll be protected. Jeez. But if we take her with... okay. Does anybody have a backpack we can stuff her in or... I'm the only one coming up with ideas. I'm the idea man. You guys are just... Well your idea is stuff her in a backpack.

Aren't you currently watching children? Don't worry. They're in the cage. It's fine. They're crated. It's okay. We got the dog cage. Let the dog in the back yard. Put them in the kennel. Fun fact guys. Pet carriers can be used for things other than pets. That's just advice. Do we have a pet carrier on us anywhere? Jesus. I just don't see how this ends well. We leave her here and she dies. We take her back and Thoril dies. Or we take her with us and possibly she can either A) get destroyed by a monster or B) get, you know, destroyed by a bloodthirsty vampire. Or three.

We kill them both. It's sort of a fucked if we do, fucked if we don't type thing. The bottom line is chance of saving everyone if we bring her along but definitely lose somebody if we do either of those other two things. So we just bring her along. But if we bring her along... Okay, yeah, let's bring her. She might be good bait for something. Alright, so... Enemy hordes rush at her. We hit them from their flanks or something. By the way... This is replacement. Yes, that's your... She's a powerful mage. No. She's not a child at all. Wouldn't it be great if you had like a go-hand situation?

Like where she just turns out to be fucking insanely powerful? She lets you know that her name's Brianna, by the way. Can I call her? I call her Bri. Sure. Because we're friends. She doesn't care. You're not killing her. So that's... The least she can do is let you call her Bri. Does she seem freaked out by the tiefling? Actually she seems strangely indifferent. Like she doesn't really care. I've calmed her down. Anybody of Duncan's. Yeah. We're tight. Malchus is super pleased that the child does not hate him on principle. She's way too young to just be prejudiced for no reason.

That's gotta be something you gotta be taught. Aww, we just made a statement about the innocence of youth, guys. Yeah! Now let's feed her to the vampire. Now let's teach him a lesson about the fragility of life. Throw her in the water! So, now, you guys are deciding to venture forth, right? Oh, wait! Can we put her on Ironhide shoulders and create an Iron Giant situation? Sure. Okay. That's what we're doing. So at least she's not gonna be stuck in the mud. I'm guessing her reflex is at eight years old. Not great. And I'm not that tall, so I would be picking her up and just like dragging her.

I have one too. Yeah, she's eight. She doesn't weigh much. You're a robot. It's fine. Yeah. So you guys make your way south, and you actually cross the next bridge without incident. And you guys have... let's load up the next thing here. You guys have made it to the next little section if you want to start all the way up top. No! Which one? To the left or right? Probably to the right, right? To the right, yeah. You're coming in from that side. Right, yeah. So... Wait, I'm so sorry. Ah! So sorry. You were on top, Malkus. You're carrying me. But who's carrying the girl?

When you only saw one set of footprints, that's when the Hellspawn was carrying you. That's when we flanked them. Now, Bree's a little concerned that you seem to be heading further into the swamp. Just a little bit concerned. Okay, okay. I have to explain. Bree, here's the deal. You see Uncle Thorol over there? This should be interesting. Go ahead. Uncle Thorol, who's a real nice guy, if we don't get to the other side of this swamp by the time the sun comes out, he will disappear. He will cease to be. So we have to get over there to meet a nice lady who's gonna help us.

That may or may not exist. But after that, we'll take you home to your mommy and daddy. I do love... I do love that you are heading deep into the swamp to find a lady who may or may not exist, who may or may not have a way to help, that may or may not be beneficial for you. I love that. And that was the better option. You have a mommy and daddy, right? Yeah, she shakes her head yeah. She seems to be a little shy. Okay, well when we get through this, we'll go and find your mom and dad, is that alright? She shakes her head yeah. Okay, we might end up opening a book and going to find treasure first though, okay?

Turns out the treasure is friendship. And close. It's all over. I'm pretty sure I'd lose at least four friends if like this, let's say this lasts for weeks, the suspense of it, and it's like, "The treasure was friendship and teamwork." It's an era, and it's all of us inside of it. Okay, I'm just joking. As soon as we're done here, we'll take you back home. And it turns out that's the final episode of Dungeons & Dragons. I've got no one left to play with. The dungeon master was killed 30 seconds later. The end. And I'll sing you a song during this next game that we're going to play.

Go ahead. And much like a lying medicine man back in like cowboy era, we just, the entire network packs up and just wanders right out. To start a new network, about something else. Now get on Uncle Ironhide's shoulders again, and replace her back up. And she's happy now, right? Yeah, she's totally cool. Okay, sweet. It's kind of fun riding on the back of this robot. Everyone make a... Everyone make another reflex check. Or a dexterity check. Check this kid. Reflex, huh? No, you said dexterity? Dexterity check, yes. Just shave one off your dexterity. What? Alright.

You're carrying a kid. I know. Carrying four kids. Malchus turns to Bree and says, "Child, we need to set down a ground rule. When Uncle Malchus says 'goggles on' I want you to cover your eyes." "Because not everything that happens is going to be pretty out here." I like having a child sidekick. It's like cop and a half. 14. Cop and a half. So where am I stuck in now? I'm looking over these rolls. They're not great rolls, guys. No. They're not great rolls. All of you are stuck in mud. No. Except for Bree. Except for Bree, of course, yes. But we're going to put Bree down and we're going to have her run back so she's not involved in this battle.

What if she gets stuck neck deep in the mud? We're going to throw her to the other side. Just ball her up like a shot put. Yeah, let's hope she gets stuck in the mud away from the monsters. Fastball special. Go. Go. Yeah. So she's not here. She's not around. This child extends adamantium claws while keeping hope. Justin's kind of like Colossus. I'm beast? Does that work? All right, Jason, I just want you to know you have an opportunity as the DM to gratify a plot twist that will only improve your listenership. Oh, I do. We have a potential we have a potential hulking out vampire in the group.

We have a little girl. You guys are in the middle of a swamp at at at three thirty in the morning. I don't I don't know. It's like depending on dice rolls and choices, I don't know if this ends well. I'll be honest with you. That went in the middle of this ambush. This is true. You guys are in the middle of an ambush. So go ahead. I'm going to remove. Try us. You guys go ahead and roll for initiative. Eight. OK, so to be where would the little girl be? Actually, like where where we put her. Yeah, you know, we'll do we're going to do a roll, don't we? Initiative for initiative.

Yeah. I imagine the girl would be like to pick a square, basically. Yeah. We want her out of harm's way, so at least five away, so like deeper into that. Do we want to put her further in, though? Why don't we just put her like right here? Because she's still within range of this guy, then. Yeah. But if we put her more over here, then anything can be down there. We haven't went there yet. Yeah. Could be anything, even more mud. I just don't want to I just don't want her to get in the range of like a blast. Wait, are these the same guys you fought before? Yeah.

OK, so. OK, yeah. So she can go. Yeah, there should be fine. Anybody object, Marcus? Sir, what'd you say? We have to find the placement for where we're putting Brie. OK. What do you think about there? My only concern would be that it's within range of a blast from this gentleman here. But at the same time, it might be better than going up here into the unknown. Well, that's not an option. You guys are stuck. It has to be somewhere within either throwing distance or somewhere she could run short distance and cower. How about this? Yeah, really, any place is as good as the I mean, none of the decisions are good.

Just put her wherever and we'll try to kill it all. Fuck you. Why don't you come up with something? I just love the idea of the fact that we're tossing a child as far as possible. Well, you're giving her a good chuck. And then she basically basically what happens is you guys are walking along and and Ironhide just kind of sinks two inches. It's like, fuck. And and just basically like get off. Go. I'm sinking. Get go. Just run. Just get off. Run. That's something. So if I was a little girl, I would run backwards. I wouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to run forwards because that's the unknown.

So right there, I think right there is where she should be. Hey, there's a picture. Yeah, it's close as I got to a little girl. I was going to say, oddly enough, the same exact picture that was used for the mayor's daughter. Shut up. Wait a second, twist! Shut up! It's her little sister. It's her little sister. She's a Hulk Hogan. Jesus. Another wrestling joke. Initiative, guys. Initiative. Come on. I did. Oh, yeah. I didn't roll my initiative. I need to do that. Yeah, me neither. OK. Jesus Christ. Fuck, I was better off before. With my lie. I had a 15. I had everything going for me, man.

Then I got raped. Hi, you got a 10. That's you. No. Remember, I have to input it manually after you tell me what it is. To be fair, in case you didn't catch it, I rolled once before, Jason. I didn't. I didn't catch it. That's why I asked. OK, see, that was the joke. OK, yeah. 14. I rolled an eight. Rob, what was yours? Nine. Nine. Tyler? Eleven. Eleven. Wow, these are not great rolls, guys. Neither were they. So, OK. Duncan, you're first up. I actually rolled an eight, but OK. What was the last roll? Whatever, I just took the last roll. I don't care. Almost lay there. You did it too.

Shut up. What? War Song Strike. I'm singing a song for Bree and it's Runaway by Bon Jovi. Very nice. And so it's going to hit. So what's that? It's going to hit. It's Bon Jovi. Of course. This is the perfect combination of a song that makes sense and Bon Jovi. Seventeen. Doesn't hit. That does not hit. You could have used "Janey's Got a Gun" because there's "Runaway". I'm going to try Bon Jovi first. We'll get there. That's fine. I have plenty of opportunities. I'm trying to beat you to the pun. It's really hard. You just walked away with one of my songs, actually. Sorry.

Are you done? Oh, saving throw. Oh, yes. Saving throw. That's just a 20, right? Just straight up 20. Roll for. Oh, you're still stuck. Vine Monster #1 is going to whip Jerrick. I'm going to try and whip Ironhide. 22. Yes. That'll hit. Okay. So that is a 1d8 plus 4. 9. Okay. As you can see, these guys aren't about one-shot kills. They're basically just trying to wear you down. And Vine Monster #2 is going to go ahead and hit the most immediate threat, which would be Duncan. So 2d20 plus 8. 16. That'll miss. Yes, it will. And Thoril. Gee, I wonder what I can do. Yeah, melee basic attack on one.

I got to look ahead and see when you get a new move. Blizzard fuck or something. Like you're going to get something and it's like, wow. I got a 20. You're going to go through a third arm and have a third offhand attack. 20. That'll hit. Alright. 17 for damage. 17 is good. Excellent start. Very nice. Alright. Offhand. 11. Critical miss. Oh, crit miss. Yeah, that's no good. That is no bueno. Roll a saving throw, sir. I got to reset the bonus. 3. I'm going to do that crap again. I have a question real quick. On my new power, it says that each ally adjacent to the target makes a saving throw, rolling twice and using the higher result.

What are they trying to save themselves from? I'm sorry, repeat that. It's OK. So my attack says, remember the hit says 2d8 plus charisma modifier radiant damage. Each ally adjacent to the target makes a saving throw, rolling twice and using the higher result. What are they, why are they throwing? That's what, that's what the power is. That well, OK. That is basically something to get to get out of. Like say being stuck in the mud. OK. OK. That's why I was asking. So there we go. That's also great for if, like, say your entire party wipes and is down for some reason.

That's a holy shit. Get the hell up button. Gotcha. So next up is Ironhide. Yeah. Going to use a corrosive rune. The hell is that? It goes out as a cone and it hits like up to like every creature in its blast. But it's not going to hit one guy. It's a crucible power. Cool. I got it. Don't miss. F13 it hits. That's against what? AC? Implement and target each place. Fortitude. Fortitude. Nope. That'll still miss. Fuck. Well, next time I'm going to get a action point and I'm going to use it. Hey. No, I don't think you get an action point. Next combat. Yeah. Do me a favor and roll a saving throw.

I will. Right after you put a GS of assault on number one. Sure. Can I do it on number two? I'm not sure if you have to have line of sight. Yeah. OK. Didn't know if you had to have line of sight. Oh, I don't need line of sight. Well, you can you can see past your allies. Your allies don't block line of sight. So that's essentially like you're calling him out. Yeah. Call him a fuck. I'm his friends. Do you guys want me to do that or do you want me to stay taken number one? I think protecting the kid is good. I think number two protects the kid. Yeah. Yeah. My only my only thought would be, though, is that if your saving throw doesn't get you out, then there's kind of no point to the whole thing.

I teleport. He teleports. Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. It's right. Yeah, you're right. Go for it. Says babies living inside my tummy. Seventeen. Does that get me out? Yes, it does. Well, so and you have marked them. So, OK, you're done. Yeah. Marcus. Let's see. Sorry. Spaced out for saying no, that's fine. Let's see. I am caught in the muck, right? Yes. OK. Just double checking my options here. OK, that's not going to help me. And I feel like my system here is lagging. Everything's taking a minute to click. OK, well, since I'm right next number two, I will use Soul Eater on number two.

Sounds good. I love perusing the list of names for your character. The powers for your character. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It all sounds like songs from the emo rock band. It does. It does. 20 versus AC. That'll hit. OK. 12 plus nine. What's an item bonus? Like I have something right here is when I make a successful melee basic attack, I gain plus two item bonus. That's because your your sword's enchanted. Oh, yeah. Like item bonus is just another type of bonus. So multiple item bonuses to something don't stack. But an item bonus plus an enhancement bonus, you can stack those on top of each other.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just a tag to keep too many bonuses from stacking and balancing the game. Yeah, we don't want the balance of the game to swing against me. So 10 damage and then I will attempt my save to see if I can get movement. Yes. Ah, not quite. Not quite. OK, so let's see here. Duncan, something you've been spaced out a little bit. Was that something everyone spaced out for a few minutes? We were listening. It was, you know, there's not much to say. No. OK, so my new attack is an encounter power and it's called Song of the New D. And dot dot because it does not offer up.

So I'm going to assume it's dong. Yes. Song of the New Dawn. No, dong. Dong. Yes. Song of the New Dawn. You're gross. That's what I thought it was. So that is a I'm going to go after number two and it's d20 plus seven versus reflex. I don't think these vines have great reflex. I'm just going to take a guess. You don't have to tell me. OK. Because you're the DM. You're not supposed to tell me that stuff. I look at Malchus. Malchus, do vines have good reflex? I try and pick creatures that I don't think he's ever faced before. So let's just throw it out there. Oh, yeah.

And also I sing Runaway Train. I think that's by the Jim Blossoms. No, it isn't. I think it's by the Soul Asylum. Yes. Ah, see, that was my second try. Twenty six against reflex. Yeah. My next guess was Goo Goo Dolls because they're all the same band. It is not the same. Tell no one your name. The 90s did it. Yeah, basically. Oh, guys, the 90s were interesting. I do, too. The 90s are interesting in that there was a lot of angry music followed by a lot of mellow music. Yes. Like Hootie and the Blowfish ruled the earth. I don't know if anybody remembers that. Oh, yeah.

For for a very brief time. For like a year. It was them. And then immediately after that, it was Len S. Morrissette. Pretty much. Yes. So it's a two D eight plus five. OK. Seven. All right. You know what that means? I rule. Rule two, crit misses. Oh, wow. I'm looking at that now. Yes, that is true. Well, seven. Well, the good news is, is that myself, my friend, Malchus and my friend, Thoril, all get to try two saving rolls and pick the best one. Awesome. That would that would take place on their turn, though, where a normal normal Norman. It does. I let me read the let me read the spell just to make sure.

Song of the new dong. Each ally adjacent to the target makes a saving throw, rolling twice and yet. Nope, that's immediate. Yeah. Knock it out, guys. Go ahead. Saving throws. Roll roll 20 twice. I'll let you let's go one at a time. Go, Rob. OK. My first one worked. Oh, well, then you go. Yeah. Tyler. Here we go to roll one. Damn it. Seven. Tyler strikes again, ladies and gentlemen. OK, seven and 20. God damn. OK, you're free. Malchus is free. Iron Heights free. Tyler still stuck. So that was my reason. That could have been really good, except I fucking double crit missed on it.

Well, I mean, you know, seven. That's not bad. You're done. Yeah. Vine Monster number one is going to take a swing at Ironhide. Don't do it. It's not worth it. 26. That hits. That will hit. It's pretty good. Eight, four, seven. So here's a weird question. Does does Mine Monster number two know that he has to attack Ironhide? No. OK. No, no. Well, I mean, like I always look at it. It's obvious. Like, I can't get there, so I'm not going to swipe at him. No, he just doesn't like that. It's it's mainly used as a tanking thing, but it's also used as a free hit. Like, I mean, you know, I mean, it's Vine Monster number two.

He's going to take a swing. Just hounding on their keyboard. That's Rob. Sorry, my microphone's sitting on my keyboard to get it close enough to me to hear. OK. He's telling me to go fuck myself. It's weird. He's cursing me out in Skype right now. You fucker, I will find you and rape you. Love Rob. That's about how it would be. 17 Duncan. You're a C. No, that misses. That means Justin. There you go. We're flanking. Basic attack. Come on now. Plus 11. It was plus nine, but I'm I'm flanking. Oh, that'll hit. 29 will do it. Jason, you have my character, right? Yeah. Can you go down to Bracer of Might?

Mighty S? I can't see the rest of it. Mighty shit. Mighty shit. Mighty ducks. Bracer of the Mighty Ducks. It's a silent S. It says when you hit with a melee basic attack, you gain plus two item bonus to the damage roll. Does that count now or next time? It's already calculated. It's already in the math. Like the program does all the math for you. That's why when I change something, I got to reload characters and basically export your character to the program again, because it automatically does all that math for us. All right, guys, it's going to kill him. 12. 12.

That was a hit. His buddy dies of heartbreak. I would imagine he would die of grief. What the fuck? Oh, OK. Never mind. OK, sorry. Let's see. So he's no longer marked. So marked up, marked up. Marked. Is he still marked? I thought it was after it's lonely when I tell it not to. And I shot at somebody else. OK. I mean, squirrel. Screaming somebody because there's a long color on my bar. It was last episode of Cheers, was it? You ever see a black guy in Cheers? No. Yeah, there was a black guy. There was a black guy in the background one time. Yeah. One time? Not once. He was a regular.

He was always hanging around, but he was never talked. What was his name? He never talked. Yeah, he wasn't allowed to. Samuelson wouldn't have any of it. No. I don't want to take Cheers. I like Cheers. That was the big forehead Frasier years. Yeah. Yeah. Somehow he looked older. He did now. Like when you see him on 30 Rock or Boss or something, he looks younger, more virile for some reason. Punch me in the face. Thorold, your turn. I don't know why we got there, but yes. 16. 16 will miss. OK, I'll be over here if you need me. All right. Make a saving throw. Oh, yeah.

Entertain us. Yep, I'll literally be here if you need me. Jesus Christ. Nine, ladies and gentlemen. Ironhide, your turn. I'm sure number one is going to want you in a few seconds. I'm sure it's going to be part vampire, part vine. The Swamp Thing version of a vampire. Ironhide, your turn. Really? Oh, yeah. That was an instant. That didn't. Yeah. It's just, you know. Jeez. All right. I'm going to use. I guess, Green Flame Blade. Haven't used that in a while. If this doesn't hit, I will throw a fit. Now, does it automatically calculate downflanking somebody or that we're?

No, that you have to do. 19. That'll it. God damn it. The plus 14 modifier, I was hoping to get a little bit more. Jesus, that was. Yeah. You rolled a five. Wow. Ten. You get plus two attack. You did that. OK. Yeah, you did. Plus two. Do the attack or. Yeah, not the damage. No, the attack. Yeah. Yeah. Ten. Yes. Excellent. OK, let me see here something real quick before I say it. OK. The vine is bloodied. Tyler, roll roll a d20, please. Oh, Lord. But what's this getting out of hand? Eighteen. What's your will? Oh, God. 15. OK. This this little mechanic here means that your lust for blood has outweighed your willpower.

I'm about to eat a vine, aren't I? You will lunge across the battlefield. Oh, Jesus. I want you to make a goggles. Brief. Two D, 10 plus four. What was that from? It was Riddick, wasn't it? Or was it? No, no. Old school earmuffs. Yeah. Was Riddick the goggles? No. What was the goggles from? I don't know. I just I just came out goggles on. Like, I know it was probably from something else, too. But I was I heard it as a thing. I was thinking about earmuffs reference when I came up with goggles. Yes. Well, OK. Actually, you got to roll an attack first. I'm sorry. The damage is two D, 12 plus four.

Go ahead and make. I'm sorry. D 20 plus eight. The 20 plus. Here's the climb over to get to this. He just pushes past. So I'm sorry. So sorry. I got it written down here. D 20 plus. It's D 20 plus 10. Tens the modifier. He just rushes right in between the middle of Malchus and don't get shoves them aside. So many thousands of water. Ten, twenty five. That'll hit roll to D 12 plus four please. Yes. It's good. 20. 20. That'll kill it. Oh, shit. You know, I just realized that's going to happen. That's going to happen to you guys. You've got me. Mm hmm. That's why I wanted to go do the other thing.

No, but it's going to happen to us when we get bloody. Yeah, you guys. I believe the hell with you guys. So what just happened was he just leapt clean across, pushed you guys out of the way and descended upon this thing. Just cleaving and clawing and biting and scratching and just it eviscerated it. Basically, he turns around and it's just goop in his hands and he looks at you guys like, I'm so sorry. What? I didn't mean to show a mouthful of like vine and goo blood and goop and shit. Marcus, your turn. Great. This just got really interesting. Anyone else hungry, guys?

I guess I can get my bread away. I'm going to vomit. It's going to start throwing up. Marcus will step in and use soul leader on that guy. All righty. So scared. And once the interface stops lagging, that's fine. I. Never thought I'd ever get. Never real hit. Maybe you said the wrong. I love how Justin's reasoning behind why we shouldn't have gone down here is because, well, I'm not going to get hurt by it. You guys are all going to die and then we're going to start a vampire Decepticon buddy comedy. I watch that. I watch that. Justin's got the Starscream of the group.

I like that. He's not looking for leadership. Somebody's pouncing on my head. I'm sorry. Mighty Megatron. You sarcastic prick. Take a lash out on the the X mayor. Oh, 13. I'm sorry. I didn't see the damage roll. Yeah, 13. 13 damage. You're all Rob felt when you guys talk about wrestling. Yes, that's all I feel. We're just like Transformers is awesome. Transformers. I dude, I didn't know I was. I don't know. It just missed me. You know, we're a go boss man, weren't you? No, no, no. I didn't. The robot stuff I was never into. Don't worry, Dan. Transformers kind of missed me, too.

Yeah, but you're younger. You're 12. I'm right in the hole. You know, I know you're not 12. I mean, I am of the age range. I should have a thorough understanding of Transformers dance. 40. Yeah. No, too late. That's canon now. You're 40. Oh, no. I don't know. I was I like like Ghostbusters and Ninja Turtles, but I never transformers. Just the real Ghostbusters or that fake Ghostbusters. Real Ghostbusters. Thank you. Duncan, your turn. I didn't say I didn't accuse anything. I was a Nick Toons kid. Oh, me too. Yeah, I'm still a child. Basically, I'm a big man child. I still watch the time.

OK. Warsong Strike will use Iran by Flock of Seagulls. Nice. And we are rolling 12. Never mind. Critmas. Again. Very nice. Very nice. That's all I do. Vine Monster is going to is going to move in. And he is going to use vicious vines. So, guys, guys, if he hits this, then he gets the girl. I was pointing that out. 16. That's for Malchus. I'm going right down the line here. 16 looks right. Yeah, it reflects. It gets you Duncan. Oh, yeah. This is for 42. 29. It's for reflex. Like imagine a bunch of vines coming at you and you can dodge it. Brie has good reflex, though, right?

An eight year old girl is as good at reflexes as an eight year old girl has. Better than mine, probably. Like eight year old girls are trained to dodge things, right? Yeah. If you're if they're being swum all the time. That's canon. She is a jedi. Her father is Russian. Her father is Russian. Mercilessly trains her. Thoril. 23. 23? Shit. Ironhide. 18. Yeah, that hits. If it's a 15 or better, it gets her too. 14. See, everything else was in like the mid teens. I'm just like, oh, yeah, I could do that. I got a reflex. Wait, she has better reflexes than me? Well, she says that's all she does is run.

Bullshit. You're a giant robot. Was Robocop good at dodging shit? No, but it wasn't magic. This is true. I will give him that. He was not magic. Thoril, your turn. OK, just every turn begins with a Well, it's because I'm mostly relaxing, too. So I get a get masturbating. I get you. I get it. There you go. Nobody else is hurt besides me. 14. 14 will miss. I asked Bree how many hit points she has. And she replies, I'm eight. OK, good. Maybe she can take a hit. She's got more hit points than a seven year old, I guess. She doesn't reply. She's eight. She says, I'm this many.

It holds up her fingers. Thoril, roll a saving throw. Oh, right. I forgot about that. Would it be better to do the strength thing? She's not a moron. What about the strength thing? Would it be better for him to do that? They're really tough. It's easier to wriggle out of them than it is to just break out. Like that's some hulking barbarian shit. Yeah. Take it. Unless you're Tyler rolling saving throws. No. Ironhide. All right. I'm going to try. That sucks. Deck. I'm going to use lightning lower. OK. And. Yeah, let's do that. A 20. Piao. 17. What's that against reflex or.

It's a Gerd's. 42. Four to two. 17. That hits. It does. Whisk him up. Cut his throat. You know, it's smart, by the way, to to keep him. No, no, no, no, no. I'm right here. I don't know if you get a choice. That's my choice. As a poll. Yeah. As a poll effect, he he can choose what square he pulls it to as long as every square is a closer square to him than the previous square. OK, that's true. Oh, he's bloody. Tell him to come to the bottom. Tyler, a J's. So by the way. OK, I have to roll also for dominance or something. Dominance. Yes. Roll for dominance. You break out of this bitch.

Roll a saving throw. Just yes. Seven seven. That missed. OK. I'm Tyler. Roll a 20. Is it. He's still trapped. That's OK, though. Three three. Don't worry. Your willpower is fine. You're good. You're in a high role bad in that particular instance. Yes, he's because this is this is representative of the blood lust he's feeling at that moment. OK, so it's bad if it's low against an enemy, but it's good if it's low against us. Yes. The thing is, he's not actually rolling that check. That's he's having Jason's having him roll for the blood lust versus his will. So the blood bust is attacking him.

Yes. Oh, OK. OK. This is a completely like it's not something in his power. All right. That's what is going to happen every time someone gets bloodied. Just just to bring that one up. But look how awesome it was when it did. Humiliating, maybe awesome. Very. But you know what else is awesome? His move. Just that he does normally. So it's. Well, I'm just just throwing it out there. Marcus. OK. I can't move, so I've got to do my ranged attack, which is Eldritch Bolt. All right. Let's see. It's bloodied, so I get a plus one. So plus ten. Oh, Tyler gets my hit. Temporary hit points.

Why? Because he bloodied him, right? No, I was Justin. Justin. Justin gets three temporary four temporary points and plus two damage on his next turn if we get there. And he also has the GS of a sovereign. Yep. Yes. Twenty two versus reflex. That'll hit. I'm sure as I. So you've got him surrounded. You're you're that's 17 for damage. Awesome. Sure. That kills him. I say. And then I will roll to break out of new vines. Cool. You're free. 15. You're good. You wriggle off the chains. Duncan. OK, I'm going to do inspiring refrain and I can't think of another song more inspiring than Tainted Love by the soft sell version, by the way.

So that is 20 plus 11, except we're flanking him. So that's extra to write. Yep. Wolfman is pretty good. Awesome. Yes. OK, so it's 13. And if I don't fucking hit. Seventeen. The AC. Yeah, that misses. God damn it. But I'll say I throw because you wrote a four. What happens when you trust a dwarf? I am a dwarf. I know. That's why I said we shouldn't trust dwarves. Just hang. I love the casual racism in this episode. And then I bite him. I try to copy what the four old did. That seemed to work for him. Oh, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a class that just let you limit like mimic the last power you saw done regardless of how they did it?

A ditto. Awesome. Ditto, ditto. Yes. Roll a saving throw. Yeah, whatever. I don't want to be saved. Eleven, you're saved. So you could do those. Emo on us quick. He did it. I'm trying to show off for a new friend and it's not working out. He's going to use Vicious Vines again. So this won't target the people who are already entangled in his. That's not an encounter power. No. Wow. They only have two moves. Wow. OK. Why don't you just use a basic attack on? Good Lord. You know what? I forgot. Yeah, he gets attacked every time, doesn't he? Who's still who's still tangled?

Me. You're tangled. You took 10 damage. No way. That can't be. Yeah. Malchus freed himself. Ironhide for Thoril. You didn't. Did you? You didn't get your turn yet. You didn't get your turn yet. Well, I have a question, Jason. No, you did get your turn. You didn't for yourself. The answer is no. If he's attacking us, which would be three people that aren't tied up. Doesn't that mean that he's that I had to get two attacks against him? Well, you get the one because of a GIS assault. Right. But he's attacking two people. No, that doesn't. Yeah. Just just the fact that it's an attack that doesn't feature him.

He does. Yeah. Justin will try to hit everybody at once. It's not for every person. It's for every. No, it's not like he's going down. I mean, like I have to do it where he's going down the line. But like in in real time, it's like like just fucking vines. I figure that isenova was per person or attacks. Right. Because each turn is like six seconds. Right. So Rob is free and Duncan is free. Yes. OK, so he's going to be right down the line here. Rob first. Twenty eight. I think that hits me. Yes. Don't get twelve. Oh, yeah. And Bree. Twenty two. Oh, God. So she's captured her turn for her turn.

Her turn will be right before the vine monsters. So. OK. Yeah. So we have one one opportunity now. Now he can attack, but he can attack him right now because he attacks. Yes. Justin gets an attack now. Yes. I'm going to throw a naked body at him. Going to use my attack regurgitate children. So I'm flanking them, so therefore. Yeah. Plus two to attack. We're talking about for the front flank. Yes. Twenty six. Twenty six. OK. Kill him. Ten. He's he's he's almost dead. Not quite. OK, guys. Do it for Bree Thoreau. Your turn. I just realized we need to kill him before she takes any damage.

Right. Yeah. Because we don't know how many hit points she has and she could be bloodied in one turn. Break a fucking hole. Yeah. Yep. Well, let's use that. Let's use the transitive property here. Your strongest character right now has 51 health. And he's a 300 pound robot. How many hit points do you think an eight year old girl would have? No armor. Just throwing it out there. Why are we putting eight armor on? So I hear a 20. Well, if we turn to a vampire, she'll have more. Twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty. Seventeen. Tell me that kills it. Dead. Yeah. He's dead.

Dead, dead, dead. Yeah. Now there's no vines around us. No vines. You're all good. You kind of just kind of slough off the the vines. It goes limp. Breeze back on Ironhide. Yep. I'll move her off the field. Just there we go. She's still in the field. I moved her. She was literally on top of Ironhide. That's why. All right. It's the ocean. And she's dead. So as you round the corner here, you can see up ahead through the through the darkness, you see lights. We're in Vegas. You're in Vegas, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Vegas. They put it in the middle of a swamp. I don't think there's been any Vegas.

There's Ryback over there. He's from Sin City. Sin City and Vegas are completely different. OK. No. Yeah, because if you go up the wrong dark alley in Sin City, you're right. I'd like. OK. References. So you can. You see a shack up ahead, basically with with lanterns burning. Is it a love shack? It is not a love shack. Oh, you're gay. No tin roof rusted. Justin doesn't like the 80s. I just want to let you know that I have a Chrysler. Oh, I wouldn't like it. The 80s. You're in good company with me. Should we have healing surges? Yeah. Do you got what do you guys want to do?

You want to move on to you want to do for 24? Let's turn back now. Yes. So it's it's about to make your way this far in. It's it's about four thirty a.m. Let's get in that shack. You guys want to use healing surges. So Justin, I'm song of rest is in play. So you see here five, four, five. Remember, it's now five. No, it will. It was three. Now it's four. Oh. Is it for each of them? Yes. I believe that was just one right there. Yes. Oh, wow. So you're using two. Yeah. Use another one. F it up to be. Malchus is fine. This is fine. Thoril needs one. All right. It automatically keeps track of the surges you used.

OK, what do you guys want to do here? Get the check. We got to. People will move above, above, above, above, above, above, above, above, above. We should knock, right? Yeah, I would just go kicking in the door. Well, is do we think this is the witch's check? We don't know. History check. You want to history check? Wait, do we have like history? Would help everyone to sleep. Come on. Nature. No insight, right? No, that's for conversations. History. History would let you know a little bit about this particular house or whatever. Let's move down to the shack, I guess.

That's where we should be. Yeah. Nature in case something we can do in nature. I just. Yeah. You know, I'll do a history check and it will fail miserably. I'm telling you right now. 14. This is a building. Fourteen is a little better than that. Like a four would be. So how do you do? I got a two technically. Well, you're modified. 28 on nature. OK. Nature just basically tells you you're in a swamp. It's very swampy. It's very swampy. It's it's it's been a swamp for many years. This is not Vegas. The history tells you that this house has been standing here for quite a long time.

It's fairly dilapidated. And this is not exactly a rural neighborhood. So this is probably this is the only house you've seen venturing through the swamps. You guys have been in the swamps now for about an hour and a half or so. So I mean, this is pretty much the only standing structure at all. No campsites, no no lights at all. This is the first source of light you've seen. Wait here, Rob. Yep. You have any suggestions on any other checks you might want to do before we not, you know, make ourselves known here? I mean, really, I feel like the only way to get information at this point is to interact with it, like being at a distance.

Do you think you might do you think there might be any traps or anything? Yeah. Dungeoneering Dungeoneer it. I can do that. I'm a plus nine on that just to make sure. You are good. Also, for the record, Jason, until we talk more to this witch, why don't we set the girl like over here? Outside. Just out of sight where we can see her. But the witch can't see her. Sure you do that. I got a twenty seven on Dungeoneering if that makes if that helps at all. That was nothing that I just got. So she kind of cowers by the porch. Yeah, like we're like I said, we're we're within a few feet.

It's just we don't want her to be seen by the witch in case. Did Rob Rob Velsley? I didn't move my miniature yet. Oh, I'm doing it now. I was going to say we need everyone seems kind of tired tonight, like it's one of those nights where I'm energized. Yeah, I figured I've gotten a decent one, honestly, before this. I always seem energized. Yeah, for talking to Jay. How are you doing? Well, yeah, I mean, you know, I'm with us. Yeah. Dungeoneering. How'd that go? Dungeoneering. Who rolls? I got twenty seven. Twenty seven. Yeah, there's there's no traps. It's just a house.

It's there's nothing. You get you get a weird feeling about the place, but that could be because it's the only standing structure in the middle of a swamp surrounded by monsters. But the monsters don't seem to get near the house. Can I do a check to see if this year these are good vibrations that we're feeling? You roll a check and it says, come on, come on. Feel it. Feel it. I thought it was going to sing Beach Boys. I'm sorry. No, no. Marky Mark. That's the kind of keeping theme with the 90s here. Come on. Oh, well, that's who do we think is who do we think is like the most pleasant to go to the door?

I'm two hundred and seventy five pounds. So no, I can't. It's the lady. She might like Thorold. Here's the plus. I'm the one who probably you know, I'm the one who needs the help anyway, so. Although she might be a vampire immediately, considering she's a witch. Marcus recognizes the need for us to do this the friendly way, but he's not trained in diplomacy. So what about Duncan Duncan? I can do it. I don't mind approaching. I've always been up there. So OK, Duncan comes up. I just thought maybe, you know, seduce her. But there's a seducer into curing you. Knock on the door.

I imagine she's a looker. The door just kind of swings open. She's been stuck. She's just kind of hanging out and she's she beckons you all to come in. Like she knows you've been there. She knows you've entered the swamp when you did. She she knows all that. So she just kind of like motions you all to come. It doesn't matter that the girl was hiding. It doesn't matter at all. She's like, oh, there's no need for that child to to hide. I know she's out there. It's. She also knows why you're here. She's kind of she's a witch burner. She knows why. I mean, first of all, it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out that the only reason you'd seek her out is, you know, I mean, you're you're in dire straits.

No one comes out to these. It's not like you stumbled across this place. That's you had to go seeking her out. And to she can already sense the the dark shit coming off Tyler. Is now going to join us or is he too cool for school? Sorry, I'm here. I'm just not moving my money. It's not necessary. It's OK. Like it's not you know, I know you're all here. That's why you're there. OK, fine. Look, this is critical for immersion. OK, I'm just saying like all of a sudden the middle of the room flash bangs what come out from everywhere? But Malick. Oh, that's that's that's that.

She motions that she motions that you guys follow her into the next room. She says, leave the child here. OK. You've been on an inside check or anything like that on this. That's totally up to you. Whenever you guys want to do that, I have a plus seven. I think I'll insight. Twenty one. There's nothing about her so far that way. Six twenty six. Yeah, there's nothing about her so far that would that would send you guys screaming to the hills. But there's this entire thing makes you feel completely uneasy. Everything that she says has this weird coating of, well, maybe like it's very it's it's it's kind of very up in the air like you.

From what you can gather, you don't think she's trying to trick you or lie to you or anything. But then she has volunteered to stay back here with the kid. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's up to you. I mean, she wants to talk to you in the next room. There's a reason she wants you to leave the kid. Well, I'm going to stay here. Because I don't need how we could have Malchus stay here since he's not going to lose peace. Well, yeah, I don't know. You just busting Rob's balls. Move your face. Move your face. Motherfucker, do it. I'm I'm staying out with the there with the child.

OK. Either way, you want to stay out there with the child. OK. Never mind. The die has been cast. OK, so Malchus stays in the other room with the kid bonding. Don't bother you freak. Wow. Mudblood. Savage. I see. So the door is she kind of closes the door and she says there's there's no easy way to tell you this. Oh, I know what's going to happen. There's there's a cure for what you have. But there's there's a price for everything. You you I need blood and particularly an innocence blood. Essentially, a sacrifice needs to be made and it needs to be done before dawn or this.

I mean, like she can tell by looking at you like this is it's it's almost permanent as is. Man, you really stopped the room there, Jason. Yeah, I know. I'm I'm I'm attached. You know, I made a friend. We became became pretty good friends. Let me go out and tell Malchus what's up. Right in front of her. No, no, I'm going to actually hang on. Hang on. Here's what I'm going to do. I motioned Malchus. Come on. We got to talk and I go back. Malchus looks at Brie and says, child, if I tell you to run, find a place to hide and try to make your way out at dawn. There you go.

OK, check this out, Marcus. We got to kill that bitch. I'm sorry. Come again. OK, I'm sorry. Look, I'm trying to make a light. I'm trying to make light of the situation because it's hard for me to deal with this. But according to this, I know that's how you cope, Duncan. According to witchy woman over there, if we don't kill if we don't have a blood sacrifice before dawn, then we can't cure Thor. All Malchus does is look at Thor very expectantly. The witch kind of interrupts. She sits down in this old rocker and and she just kind of has this real heavy look on her face.

There's no I mean, there's no easy way to get out of something like this. And I mean, it I mean, two weeks ago, there may have been something you could do. But when I mentioned it, when I said we should do something about it, I would look around the room at everybody giving glance, except for Ironhide, because he he didn't really. He wasn't involved in that conversation. She she she says there's nothing there's no easy answer. And it's not something I mean, it's it's it's an incredibly difficult decision and that's one that you're going to have to live with either way.

Does anybody have the ability to, you know, like what's that called? Stabber. No, what's that fucking called? Summon anything? Summon? Yeah, well summon a bloodsack. But it has to be something innocent. Like I can summon a tiny imp, but that's it's not the blood on innocent. You said that? Yes. Yes. I'm pretty innocent. Take me. Well, what about the witch? She might be pretty innocent. You guys have murdered your way across the country. Remember the whole reason this this part of the campaign started? Because we wanted to talk about those savages we killed? Yeah.

I say. We stab her. Wait, wait, who do we have? What are we? Yeah. What are we making the sacrifice to? Well, it's OK. The witch kind of deals in blood magic. That's I mean, so there's a reason that she needs to be present in order to make the sacrifice. Right. It's not it's I mean, think Dragon Age. Like that's basically what's going on, like that she has immense power in certain situations, but only I mean, it's it's it's kind of like manipulating the situation. Right. I mean, you I mean, people get regions for spells, wizards and things like that. Hers is blood magic, which is I mean, she regions her blood.

It's it's you know, why don't we just go outside, find a rabbit? Pretty innocent. It's it's it's people blood. I thought that went without saying, but that's a good that's a good try. Like that's you. I mean, like it's not like you're going to grab vine creature vine creature. It's people power. Why didn't we bring the mayor's body with us? Because he's dead. Innocent would he really have been? I don't know. I bet he's a virgin. Oh, it's not about it's not about virginity. It's like he willingly bought slaves to kill in front of people. I mean, like everyone's kind of got blood on their hands in this.

You know, that's why this is extremely rare. You told me he delegated that. Well, I mean, like he look, if I tell you take care of it, I know what's going to happen. Make sure you don't talk to anyone directly. Was it Gib Limerick? That's Duncan takes his guitar out again and starts playing. It's like wrong time. I do this when I'm nervous. Should we kill this bitch or let her go? OK, so now now she does offer you that she can draw a small sample of blood from you and let you know how severely the vampirism is going to affect you. Yeah, let's do that. Are you cool with that, Thorold?

It was a dirty, you know, you have hip. That's fine. That's fine. I just I'm pretty sure it's going to do it pretty severely. Does he lose a hip point like one hip point when he draws blood? No, no, nothing like that. This is like a pinprick, like a diabetes test. OK, given the diabetes. I'm going on the assumption, though, that no matter what, we're going to have to decide what to do. So she draws a bit of blood from you. Now roll a roll a d20. No, no, that's not how this works. No matter what it is, you're fucked. One through 19, you're fucked. And it would really complicate things if she drew blood for him and he reached out and like snapped her neck or something.

God, he bit himself. Hey, why don't we try cracking that book open? Yeah, it's good idea. All right. That's something I sure we can. I mean, let me let me let me tell you a little bit about Tyler's future. So you're at come sunrise. A few things are going to change. One, your stats and this pendulum swings both ways in the sunlight, you're going to get negative two to attack rolls, negative three to damage rolls. You will not burst into flames. That's good. But you will be at half hit points any time you're in direct sunlight. That's how you'll start that that you will not be able to heal past half hit points.

You will, however, except in the dark. That's yeah. When you're when you're shaded by if you're in a tomb or a cave or a building or anything, you're fine. You will always need to wear some sort of cloak or something out in the sunlight. You just will always and you it'll always affect you negatively. You will also get plus two to saving rolls any time, day or night, which is a good thing for you at night or when you're when you're inside. You'll get plus one to attack rolls, plus one to damage rolls and gain plus one to your movement speed. So that's that's in out of combat.

It doesn't matter. The backlash to that is that whenever any one or thing is bloodied in combat, you're you're going to have to do a willpower check to try and suppress the urge to to to job their face off. Right. If what's your willpower? 15. So we now get so does the so if he was going against us, he'd have to get above 15 below below. You want you want a low roll? Oh, we want a low roll. Enemies high roll because the the the dice represents his bloodlust. He's we're treating the bloodlust like it's a monster attacking his will. Yes. OK. So if he got a low roll, then he would not fight it back.

Yeah, he would he would go on and fight it back. Now you can go out. Wait, wait, wait. How does that make sense? Because the role he's rolling. Dan, Dan, let me back this up. Stop thinking of it as him rolling the check. The bloodlust is a separate creature and they're just having him roll that die for convenience sake. Oh, but the bloodlust is a creature attacking his will. When he fails, he does the thing. I thought it was him defending against the bloodlust. No, I could see where you. OK, I got it. But yeah, his willpower is an automatic stat anyway. So that's there's no role for that.

It may it may help differentiate it, Jason, if you just click that die roll just so that you're the one operating it. And then that way the confusion is gone. I can. I just thought it'd be more playful if if Tyler got to do it. Sure. Because it's because if he has to attack a teammate, that's by his hand. Well, you've cleared. I understand. Right. Now, there's there's one more thing. OK, you he's going to need to feed regularly. It's just going to happen. And the longer he goes without feeding, the bigger the modifier is to the dice roll. Which means the stronger the bloodlust and was that right now?

Well, his will doesn't change. I say, well, what is this will at? Like mine's 15. What's his 15, I believe. So it's kind of a thing where if we don't. You can't ignore thing now. It'll just get even worse later because we'll have to keep doing this. No, no, no, no. It's just a constant. That's just what you'll be like. It's not something like you can keep blood on you or feed or and you can eat animals you can eat. But I mean, you know, that is something that's just going to be like that. Basically, with power comes great responsibility. How does he get animals?

You find them. Oh, you guys can like I mean, that could be just something. It's like, oh, we went out hunting or something like that. I mean, that's that's fine. You can keep vials of blood. It doesn't matter. But we could use it as like, OK, roll away. That's bullshit. We can just say we have we have no vials of blood on us. No, no, no. Because the storage of blood is the same in that world that it would be. You can't just have vials of blood. It'll coagulate. OK. You know, blood has to be kept refrigerated because I mean, well, well, then he could just feast on you.

Duncan's a hemophiliac. That's canon now. He can just you wouldn't like my blood because it's weak. I've been blind. That's the other thing. It's he can feed on animals and everything, and that'll just kind of keep things at bay. He won't be satisfied by that. Now, feasting the will modifier to the attack will go up if he feeds on animals. It'll slow it down. It won't be the same as if he feasted on like a human. Yeah, it definitely won't stop it. Nothing's going to stop it. It'll only temporarily like put that back. That'll always be something that he it'll be kind of running with the devil.

Like it'll always be something he could just like push it back a little further, like much like you or I have to eat like a sandwich or something like that. You'll always be hungry later. But imagine being so hungry for a sandwich, you'll rip the goddamn refrigerator off the hinges and dive in and make a sandwich with your face. So all the time. Next question, does he sire new vampires when he feeds? No. OK, he's not he's not a true vampire. It's it's it's more or less. I mean, like he got perks. Think Blade. OK. Like he I mean, he got some of the perks, some of the weaknesses, but like he doesn't burst into flames and so he can't create vampires.

Like the like Dracula, the Dracula legend is that he can he can feel when he bites, when he feeds, it'll turn them into a vampire, but they can't go make more something like that, depending on what vampire lore you want. There's fifteen hundred of them. He's not Dracula. He's the bride of Dracula. Yes, I bet he felt real bad. No, no, no, no. The bride of Dracula was a vampire before they got married. It was he was he's one of Dracula's sluts that keep making. Oh, God. So Dracula's slut, what do you want to do, man? What what's what you guys got a decision to make?

Yeah. Malkus just looks at that. Expectedly, Malkus is just looking at you, giving you a chance to take the high road. You can you kind of wait, wait, wait. How is being a vampire the high road, though? It's not sacrificing a child, but instead it could be killing us. Yeah, but I come from I come from ventures. We go around and kill monsters for profit. We're not we're tainted. We're tainted by our very nature, by our career. Yeah, I come I come from the Walter White's global thought. If it has to be done, then it has to be done. You can't feel too bad about it.

So you're going to be a vampire? That not not exactly what I was going for there. I just want to sit back and listen to this for the next hour. You know, like if you want to, we can. Make you see a reason. What is the what is the world actually say? Mm hmm. What is actually said, see, that's even a tough and what is it for me? Like what time is it in the game world? It's about four thirty a.m. So we have about a half hour here. You got about an hour ish change. It's summertime, so the sun's going to come up pretty early. OK. OK. But again, you know, he's not going to burst into flame.

It's not like now it's not the race against the unknown. You know what's going to happen. She told you like it's like it's it's definite. I think we can manage it. Manage what? Finding somebody else? Yeah. No. OK. If his if his will is 15, that means he has to roll above a 15 to strike us. Yes. Yes. That is not there's no modifier. Right. Unless he's not feeding, but we can control the feeding pretty well. Yes. Also, we can use our healing spells a little more carefully, such that when someone's about to be bloodied, we heal them. Then instead of waiting. Right. True.

Also, I have to mention this one thing. It's on the list. I totally didn't mention this. Let's say it's been a long time since he's fed so much that the modifier has to keep going up for every one point of modifier that his blood lust gets. He also gets one point to his damage, attack rolls and movement speed. OK. Now, another question. Does he have to use a turn to feed? It would be considered I I would say that's a minor action. I don't know. That's that's kind of an interesting thing, because that means he'd have to stop combat basically and dig through his knapsack and look for a juice box.

Essentially, right. I mean, that's that's kind of a rob call. Well, you're you're so are we talking like feeding on a corpse or something? Well, that's if he's attacking something. I mean, if he's attacking something, because essentially he's going to get a new attack out of this. Right. He'll get a feed attack, essentially. And if someone goes so he can feed on few things, we're battling news or he has the option to try. Yeah. The vine thing was completely involuntary, though. That's like that'll also happen when something goes blood. That doesn't change unless he's been well fed and he can kind of put that off for a while.

OK, I'm going to say these words knowing full well that Jason is listening and he will completely cater his next. Everything is prewritten. I'm not I'm not I'm not saying this what I'm saying the next time you write one of these around the fact that I'm going to say a lot of times we don't have to go out during the daytime. I usually give you guys an option. Yeah. I think that's an option. In addition to having to go out in the daytime, 50 percent of our things have been in caves or inside. So it's usually been in caves or caverns or dungeons or right.

This is like the first this one in the alpha one where the first were the only ones that were actually outdoors. And we're at night. And yeah, we could have gone at night. Yeah. These are both at night. Now, just. What's up? Got anything? I think the arena thing was really the only thing that was technically daytime. Yeah. That in the forest. The forest was the forest was. There's no reason we had to go right then. Like, we could have waited. Now, the party was kind of waiting for you guys like you can make them wait. I don't like that guy. Malchus is comfortable attempting to manage or manage life around Thor's bloodlust.

Like, I mean, it's it's it's the alternative to sacrificing a child. If that's what it takes, then that's what we'll do. And not only that, but Trac is going to be really pissed if we kill that girl. Like when we tell him later. That would be a nice conversation. Hey, so guess guess what we did last night? We have good news and bad news. The guys was crazy. I got so drunk. No, that's horrible. Is no longer a vampire. So what do you have to do? That's the bad news. So you're pretty stuck on not wanting to be a vampire, correct? I can I can deal with it, I guess, since I was going to go.

So this seems as if the general consensus is to deal with me being a vampire. I took her and ran. So you just looked at the screen like the. Yeah. Thoril, I, you know, adventuring with you has been good. So Malchus is not going to like beat around the bush here with you. He'll bottom line it for you. If the decision is to sacrifice this child to fix you, you're leaving here one party member lighter no matter what. It's either you or Malchus, like one of you is one of you dies today if the decision is to sacrifice the child. I'm not going that far, but I will say if you want to talk to this girl, then you're doing it.

I just wanted to say that that's that's damn good story right and right there. That's that's fantastic job, Rob. Oh, I'm like I said, I'm not that history, Jason. I've got history. I'm just watching this decision tear the group apart a little bit, like just this is interesting. I'm not going to kill you because I probably couldn't, but I'll be the one killing the girl. I just and and on the record, metagame wise, I'm fully ready for Malchus to die for this decision. If the fight, if Malchus would lose the fight. Malchus will fight to the death. That's not worth it.

I mean, telling the girls not worth it. And it sounds like as if killing the girl wouldn't even really be a thing in any way, because it sounds like you would stop Thoril anyway. And you know, I want to get her jollies from this and I'm going to throw something else out there. We don't even know that this would work. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, it works. The convenience of this girl running around and and her just being out here saying, yeah, I mean, yet I can fix you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're really bad. Why don't you kill that girl? And we can do this. No, you've already in soft price.

Awesome. Saw. Yes. Here's the thing. Tyler, I'm going to throw out your options here because ultimately this is your decision. You haven't eaten at all. So if we were to operate by the new rules we just installed, your modifier would be a plus three, which means your strength, your attack, your speed would go up by by four. You I mean, that's that's if you chose to fight your own party members. Wait, he said before, right in this last he said on vines. Yeah, that is not well fed. That is fucking vines. That's that's not it's they have they have what they like.

You have what you would call blood, right? Which is more oil. Yeah, that's not well fed either. Gentlemen. Yeah, I'm not going to I'm not going to fight. I just wanted to throw it out there as an just letting you know what your odds are. How fast can we get back to town? Not very. It'll it'll the nearest town is about three hours away. It's the town the little girl came from. Are we are we going to have to go back there? Like, well, as it is, we're going to have a fucking sex crazed asshole with us. After the shack, are we just going to be like, and they entered the town?

I'm not going to make you fight your way back to the swamp. I wouldn't do that. OK, OK. It's 10. It's 10 o'clock. I'm not going to do that. Is he going to throw if we let you be a vampire? Just don't eat the girl, OK? I guess something. I'm all right. I I would imagine you guys would just kind of form a convoy. Exactly. My my in my control. So I'm just letting you guys know you guys are dealing with the fact that, well, you guys could kill a rabbit or something along the way as a fucking. We kill the witch after she cures you. And you can hear. Yeah. So she's not going to cure you.

Listen, this is killing the girl. Because you have to kill the girl and the consensus is that's not going to happen. OK, then we take the girl and we kill the witch. Well, then why? OK, wait. But then why would you if you're going to if you're going to OK, OK. By that logic, just so you can feed so you don't get on the way back. See, but if he's on anything, it well, I guess that just it just it brings him back to neutral. He's fine. Yeah. But it's neutral. But that also like he's rolling the checks happen to see if he's overcome by the bloodlust no matter what.

It's just whether they have a higher or lower modifier. Yes. So killing the witch doesn't like stop the problem for several days. It's just the bloodlust attacks him with a zero modifier instead of a three modifier. Right. Yeah. But what what could happen is we get back to that town. He could have a four or five modifier and just start attacking. Oh, no. Look, OK. I'm just going to let you know when you feed, the modifier goes away for 24 hours. Now, I feel like we don't do that and we just leave with a modifier three. Like we can get back to the town and he can just go, oh, you can get a pretty finger.

He's not just going to start eating innocence when they're not bloody or anything. Well, when you have a modifier picture, if he gets if the modifiers up to like three or more picture that as being like starving. And he would essentially look at an entire town full of people as fucking mobile lunchboxes. We got OK, guys, I'm just saying it. If we're saving this girl, we got to kill this witch. Why? Why do we have to? He has to feed. They just say he is at three right now. Jason said that if he gets up to a four or five, he's just going to start eating things, which means he's probably going to eat the girl.

He's still the modifier. Well, OK. Five is an automatic 20, which means that I mean, that's higher than I mean, like the modifier. Well, no, that doesn't mean the modifier is the modifier. He still has to do a dice roll. I'm just telling you, the frequency in which those dice rolls are going to be asked of them is higher. Right. Right. Sometimes they won't even have to be bloody. You guys can totally like I said, you can like chased once you're out of the swamp. Like all he has to do is last like an hour and a half. Get out of the swamp. You're back in the forest.

Kill a deer. Kill anything. Is this village in the forest or the swamp? It's just past this. It's just past the swamp and in the forest. Like, it's good. It's about three hours away. OK, we'll do that then. That's fine. Sorry for trying to almost kill you. Ironhide. Just just make sure that girls just stay about 15 steps back. Just that would be the same thing as that is to see that like I end up eating the girl anyway and then it all just like negates it. Except that's the kind of bullshit that could happen. That's all I'm saying. Wouldn't that be the most dick-eating thing?

And then we have to deal with the vampirism on top of that. And absolutely nothing was solved despite. Oh, and by the way, your book got stolen by that dumb witch. The end. See you guys. I just shut the mic off and leave. Oh hey, Ironhide, come here a second. Come back here a second. I slip him the book. Now girl, now go. Before we tell the witch no. Get out of here. The witch does notice the book. I know, that's giving it to Ironhide and he's leaving. She has no designs on stealing it from you. I think you had the key. I forget. Yeah, well I was supposed to have the key, but for some reason I just looked and I had the book.

I had the book. The key is friendship. The key is friendship. That is the treasure. And what's the thing called one ritual book that's in my period? Oh no, no, your ritual book lets you cast certain spells outside the house. I was about to say, how did you put that in your fucking inventory? I didn't even make it as a thing. It's more of a theoretical. Okay, okay. Ironhide, look out. It's looking weird, but the witch has no designs on stealing it, but she knows what it is. She's pretty well versed in all things arcane or history. Hey witch, you wanna come with us?

Despite how old she appears, she's much older than that. She has no designs on leaving the swamp at all. She's the witch of the wild. We had to get out of here. Okay, well, we talked it over. Thoril's alright. We're gonna get out of here. Right, you guys? She looks at Thoril dead in the eye and she just says, "Take heed." That's all she says and then... Do you have any heed that we could take with us? She gave you all the heed that you... I mean, she gave you a pretty descriptive... It's not in my inventory, so... Your advice to tell Ironhide to stay 15 feet back at least, that would be heed.

Yeah! That's actually heed. Okay, so, theoretical situation. We find an innocent child dying of a terminal disease. The child passes on. We steal the corpse before the parents can legitimately bury. Could we take then the recently dead child that hadn't had rigor mortis set in or anything, get it out to the swamp, get the ritual? No. I don't think we'd get enough time. It's about an hour and a half just to get out of the swamp. The odds of you finding another lost girl or boy out in the middle of nowhere. Also, he made it very clear, this is our only opportunity.

Once we go daytime, he is a vampire forever. That's right. I was just thinking about this. All subsequent Dungeons and Dragons that we do this every time someone is bloodied, every single time I will have to do this check. From here on out till the end of time. It's only one out of three, three out of five, right? I've been bloodied I think one time in this entire game. And when Ironhide is bloodied, it doesn't count, right? Yeah, it doesn't count if Thor is bloodied. No, he knows what's blood. It's oil in Ironhide. And if Thor, yeah, he wouldn't bite himself.

Also, I have radiant damage, remember that. Yeah, please remember that. Let's go. Alright, listen. He's at stage three, right? Not only, he's at stage three, right? What's stage three? The vampire. Oh, he's fucking starving. Yes, he's hungry. Okay, on top of that it's about to be sunlight. Right, so we have to get out of the swamp as fast as possible and get him a rabbit. That's basically, like, it'll be sunlight by the time you basically hit your stride. It'll be, like, you'll still have a half hour left in the swamp. But it's not something that's, there's no blood around.

It's not going to be something, like, he's just going to be starving. So it's one of those things, the first live creature you stumble upon, well, I mean, odds are, like 99%. Turns out it's another little scare girl. This place is full of them. I mean, that's just up to, I mean, that's totally up to. I say we take her back to our place. Razor's our own. What we can do, what we could do is, because we're running a little low on time. Are we? A little bit. Yeah, I mean, it's a little, what we could do is, I got a whole other thing in the chamber loaded. But you do have to return this little girl to her village.

I'm guessing that's what you guys have decided to do, right? Yes. Okay, so that's about a three hour journey. And there you can probably rest up and get your stuff. You're going to want to be indoors anyway during the daytime. Well, probably looked at like here and there, why don't we just live there? No, I mean, like think about it, we're fucked over the other place. Let's leave it on a cliffhanger. Let's go take her over to the city. That's totally fine. Tyler, roll a 20 sided die please. Uh oh. What we're going to do is, one through 19, the first living thing that you encounter outside of the swamp is a deer or a rabbit.

On a 20, it's a human. Four. Four. Okay, you just chase down a deer into the woods and pounce on it like a goddamn lion on a gazelle and drag it down. It's not a pretty sight. You turn the girl away. Goggles. Where are goggles? Oh my god. And you kind of come back out of the brush, just blood streaming down your cheeks and chin and neck and you're just wiping it. And you just kind of have this look of shame. Malchus looks at him and says, "Well, wasn't that spaghetti and meat sauce very good?" Nod emphatically. After that, it's a pretty smooth journey back to the village and you guys drop the kid back off and of course her parents are ecstatic to see you guys.

Can I talk to the girl one time? Sure. One time. Three. Remember everything I taught you. You keep me in your heart always. What did you teach her? You know all the stuff. It was a three hour journey. Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. You're right. Who the hell am I? That's between me and her. The license plate game. The whole game. The license plate game. That's between me and her. Also, does your dad or mom, they drink? The drinkers? She just kind of looks at you like puzzles. Like, "No." Are you safe? Are you safe? Yeah. Because you ran away. So I just want to make sure you didn't run away because they beat you up.

Well, it was never clear if she just got lost and just kind of descended further into the woods. And the folks just said, "Eh." She just got separated. She's eight. She didn't really run away. Maybe we can find out more about that the next time. Okay. She gives you... Hey, hey, Bree. Give Uncle... Give Uncle Duncan a big hug. Get in your parents. Come on. She gives you a big squeeze and runs back to her parents. [Laughter] They also give you free room and board. That's not a very big village, but it's... That's the least they can do is let you sleep there and...

Pay no attention to our blood-soaked friend here. Yeah. I would imagine you at least towered off in a river or something. Like, that would be... That would be numero uno. Kind of... It's like, "Hey, before we march into this village with this little girl..." I would imagine. That's just me. It's up to you. I don't care. Yes, we did that. Now, it's pretty much up to you guys. You... I mean, like, obviously you're taking an extended rest. But if you guys want to knock off for the night, it's already 10.30. To get into something else would be probably, you know...

A little much. Yeah. But, yeah, that is... That's pretty finite with... Or final with Tyler and his vampirism. Did we get any reward for returning the girl? Free room and board was pretty much all they could afford. Okay. Okay. How much money do we have, out of curiosity? Actually, I have it written down. Let's see here. Notebooks. Tyler has 1380 gold. Justin has 1340. Jay has 500. Rob, you have 1660 gold. And Dan, you have 1860. Okay. Take about 50 gold off there. I can't let them let us stay here for free. Awwww. I give them 50 gold. I can't. I can't let them do that. 50 gold to them, by the way, is huge.

So what you're telling them is your hospitality is no good. No, no, no. Yes. I'm saying... I'm gonna give you money. That's not how they take it. This is a struggling, like... I feel like we're compensating for the first half of the night here with all this nobility. Well, you guys were offered an easy out and you didn't murder a small child. And I'm proud of you. I am. Because that was a tough decision. Because that is it. I wanted to flesh out Duncan's character a bit. This is definitely going to make the next sit-down very interesting. So... The way I look at it is if my character were in the situation that Thoril's in, I would say, you know, like, I'd keep the vampirism and I'd start looking for opportunities for a great heroic sacrifice.

Like, you know, if we were in a situation where one of us had to go, that's what I would be looking for then to complete the story. Because I would start thinking, "Oh my gosh, I'm a monster." I would suggest, Tyler, there are objects in the game that would raise your willpower. And feet. We can all help you out with that. And feet, when you level up, just throwing it out there. Okay. A weekly beating maybe would help. Maybe if they just beat the shit out of you at a little blanket party, maybe. We're going to do all kinds of conditioning to it. Make it stay up all odd hours, we're going to steal as well.

Psychological torture. Actually, now that I think about it though, we did all pretty much flesh out our characters quite a bit on this one. That was the aim. I still don't know that Treyas guy, I don't know what he's all about. Well, that's... Yeah, that's well... Such a one-dimensional teetotaler. Not like us. And the robot. See, the cool thing about Ironhide is that even from that rough exterior, he was walking around with a girl on his shoulder this whole time, so he knew he had a soft spot inside. Like Frankenstein in Monster Squad. Like Frankenstein in Monster Squad or Ironhide.

Oh, I loved Monster Squad. Yeah! Wolfman's got nards. He does. I have it on DVD. Way to make this about you, Dan. I know, I'm pretty awesome. You said that it was forged in a fucking, like, "I have it on, I fought the dragon, I got it." "I have it on DVD." Something that everyone has. Well, I don't have it on DVD. No, I'm saying like DVDs. I stopped collecting DVDs when I figured out Torrance are around. Yeah, Monster Squad, at the time, Monster Squad was hard to come by. Oh no, I imagine. It's one of those Walmart exclusives. Does it have commentary? Yes. It has commentary, it has Q&A, entire cast.

That's wild. Because apparently they did a 20 year reunion, and they just did a ton of shit for the DVD during that. Oh, that's cool. Neato. I haven't seen Monster Squad in forever, and Halloween's coming up. Yeah. We should screen it. We should have a screener. It's possible. Damn it, I wish we lived closer. Guys? I successfully got the gnat that's been circling for like 15 minutes. Got it. Cat-like reflexes. I like to think that was in character, by the way. Then Malchus ate it. There were lots and lots of bugs in the swamp, so sure, we can do that. You guys did fantastic this evening.

I'm sorry Jay couldn't be around, but you know, I'm glad we decided to just go ahead and play. Jason, you were pretty good too. Nah, thank you sir. Thank you. Everyone did a good job of thinking on their feet.