Risk and Reward

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

[clink] [clink] Pickaxe. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah, you're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you don't gotta cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. It's your first job? I know what I'm doing. It's a little late for a crit change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... [clears throat] With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Only on Peacock. Howdy folks. I just wanted to stop and thank you guys. Each and every one of you who are listening. I know we've, we originally just kind of tossed this out there as something to listen to. It's barely a podcast. It's mainly an excuse for us to play D&D together. And those of you who already were a part of the TWR network, which is a wrestling thing that we do.

Any of you who know anything about wrestling, we toss in a ton of, you know, wrestling references throughout these episodes. But for those of you who don't, you know, I wanted to give you an email so that you can shoot us a little bit of criticism. Let us know what we're doing right, what we're doing wrong, or what you like and what you don't like really. D&Rpodcast@gmail.com Those of you who have already hit us up, you've been extremely nice and thank you very much. We've gotten a review on iTunes and all that good stuff and it really helps us out.

Like, I mean, I don't really know about climbing the charts on iTunes or whatever, but I mean, just letting us know that you listen and that you enjoy it. It means a ton. So we're going to try to make this a bit more listener friendly. I learned a lot about Dungeons & Dragons in general, but DMing just in the last couple of months. Because I kind of got into a comfortable rhythm with things and I want to start mixing up, making it more about story than combat. Because I kind of fell in the trap of creating these long combat scenarios and such and such, where the story was just kind of a way to get to more combat.

And I want to kind of make it the other way around. So, D&Rpodcast@gmail.com, let us know what you think. Make sure to rate us on iTunes and all that good stuff. This is a fun episode because it was kind of a day where you could tell people weren't quite feeling it, but we pushed through anyway. And this is a lesson and maybe we shouldn't do that. But, I don't know. There's a lot of good laughs and stuff. So, I hope you enjoy it. D&Rpodcast@gmail.com. Get a taste of Italy. Okay guys, so I want to start off today by doing something we've never done. Because this is a podcast and people aren't listening to this, but we always treat it like we're just sitting down to D&D.

So we should probably introduce ourselves at least one time so that people know. Because I always label it on the podcast itself. My name is Horse Woggle. Third generation live opener. Okay, not leaving. I just heard what you guys were doing. Oh no, we don't have to. I mean, we could wait a minute while you get a snack, dude. Oh no, let's get this done. I'm excited. Okay. Let's plug all our projects, too. Sure. I don't want to go first. I'll go last. Dan, you go. Hi, my name is Dan Phelps. You may know me as the original Dan Phelps from Shooting From the Hip over at TWRnetwork.com, which is a wrestling podcast.

Which a lot of people might not know because we're not on a wrestling thing anymore. I thought we were doing our character. Oh, we are? Eventually, yes. We're saying what characters are. We don't care about your life. After Dan reads off his resume. He is a Gemini. He usually is on the beach. I'm from the rap. I will be playing the character Duncan Joy Batam. He is a dwarven bard. He enjoys long walks on the beach. He does. He does. I guess the biggest question... So basically what we're doing is, do I need to explain stuff that's happened so far? No, no, no. Or just the background of my character?

I mean, you can go as far as you want. I just basically wanted them to associate a name with our voices. Oh, well there you go. Done. Which one are we doing? Our names or our character? Both. I am from the theater, so... [laughter] Well, he's very mature. Very mature. I'm an Aquarius? No. I'm an Aquarium. Go ahead, Justin. Do I just say my name? He's got me confused. Now I'm rabid. I don't understand why this is so hard. What am I doing here, Jase? What's your name? Who do you spell out? Spell "bird toast". I smell bird toast inside my head. Uh oh. My name is Justin Massey.

I'm playing, I guess, the character... ...Jirar of Ironhide? Jirau? You've been playing this character for like seven months. His last name, because it's awesome, is Ironhide. Oh, Jerick. Jerick. I felt like at the beginning he's just going to be like, "I'm Justin Massey and I'm playing for the American Cancer Society." [laughter] Jason, that whole exchange needs to stay in as recorded. I don't edit this. [laughter] I've got a role initiative for... ...Muggle. Alright, Tyler, please save us. [laughter] He actually rolled. I'm Tyler Wilson. I play Thoril Songsteel.

A sparkly, glittery, much more badass than anything on Twilight Vampire. And I think that's it. I don't know what else. My vampire sparkle. Robert! I'm Robert Weaselhan. I'll be playing Malchus Grimnus, Tiefling Warlock. Your name's Weaselhan? [laughter] Weaselhan. Straight. It's very German. Your name is Weaselhan. I assumed it was like Weizen. Something like that. I don't know. Weezer, the famous alternative band. [laughter] He typed it in the... Oh, no, it's giving you guys a visual point of reference. I'm very precise. I just assumed it was Weizen. Makes sense, but...

Okay. Weaselhan. I did not know that. I've just always called you Rob. Now he can only drink tea from a teacup. [laughter] Because he's German? [laughter] He's dignified. He's got a very dignified last name. Weaselhan. Germans are famous for their love of tea. And that's it. [laughter] Okay, he's got... I'm just gonna shut up now. [laughter] It's the Red Skull's right-hand man. I know he's always Weisenheimer. [laughter] He's wise. By the way, I'm Jason. I'm Justin's brother. I'm also the guy who pretty much talks the most in these. I'm the Dungeon Master that tries to keep some sort of semblance of order.

Boo! I know, I suck. [laughter] Why is someone immediately going to clap? I have respect, though. [laughter] I'm sorry, Dungeon Master's a hard job, right? Yes, it can be. Thankless. That's fine. I love thankless jobs. You know what? I want to thank you publicly for doing this. Oh, no, that's fine. It's not necessary. I like doing it. I enjoy doing this. Jason, I want to be best friends with you and I'm going to call you on Skype at odd hours when I'm not just in support. And I'm so glad that we got to know each other like this. [laughter] How much of that was heartfelt?

I don't know whether to expect phone calls now at odd hours. But, yeah, no. Me and Rob actually started talking through this. Rob's a good guy. I'm glad to know him. Jason's a good guy. You know what, good guys? I don't even know what I'm... [laughter] Wow, that's... That felt fell apart halfway through. I think we left you drinking. You know, good guys are good guys. And sometimes all you need is a good man by your side. [laughter] How about we get to the game, ladies and gentlemen? Um, I'm going to be the best. Does everyone remember what happened last time?

No. Excellent. We found a little girl called Clementine. No. [laughter] Was it two sessions ago that I threatened to kill someone if we sacrificed a child? That was our last session, actually. I'm a warlock, but I'm not that kind of warlock. You saved a little girl named Bree, I believe her name was? Yes. Okay, so... You ended up getting her back to the village, and... [clears throat] You... The little play that's playing out right now on the... [laughter] Is somebody like, are they just... I went outside, my character went outside for a smoke, and then all of a sudden I'm just being followed by Duncan, and then I just sit on the bar stool.

Next thing I know, I got a bard on my lap. [laughter] I ran down here to Dan, threw him over the table, and then took his spot. [laughter] You guys basically have made the decision to live with Tyler's vampirism. Whoa! Given the choice of sacrificing the little girl, or just kind of living with it, you guys have decided to live with it. Now, a couple of months have passed since then. A lot has changed in town, if you remember the mayor died. So, have we gone back to the town we were in? We're not staying in the... 'Cause when we left, we were still in the town the little girl was in.

Yeah, yeah, you guys... A little shit town, but nobody likes that one. Yeah, it was kind of a little mudberg type of thing. There really wasn't much going on in that place. It was very much just a small village. They let kids walk away. Kids did not... That particular child didn't have very good supervision. But yeah, you guys are back in Overdale, and the priest that you were talking to has pretty much been running the town since... The Playlist. I'm sorry! A few months have passed, I was like, "The next thing he's gonna say is, 'I regretting your decision to let him live with his vampirism.

The stream of dead bodies is never-ending.'" It's been a pox upon your house. Well... It's the dark middle chapter of our campaign. The town is actually running much more smoothly since the mayor died. Oh. Ah... He was a fat cunt anyway. That's right! I killed him by yelling at him! Allegedly. And was morbidly obese. Mm-hmm. I think that had more to do with his death than you yelling at him. Okay. Clean conscience. Tyler's vampirism, on the other hand... You remember how we talked about the hunger counter and all that, and how we're gonna work that in? We're not doing that, because the more I thought about it, the more that would basically make Tyler the center of attention no matter what was going on in any type of...

So... Yeah! We're not doing that. Tyler was pretty much the center of attention anyway with his basic melee attack. 'Cause then you got another one on top of that, and now he has the possibility of being stronger. Well, actually, that melee basic attack is no longer mine. Nope. My go-to move now. Tyler is a full-on vampire now. And... At first, you guys kind of gave him the benefit of the doubt, because he was really mopey. And just kind of... Like, I mean, you guys will go out during the day and maybe catch... I mean, you know, a local fair, or... "Oh, wow!

I gotta go visit the blacksmith!" Blah, blah, blah. And people keep regular business hours during the day, and Tyler can't go out with you guys. Awwww. If a job comes up and, you know... Anything from just going down the street to a fruit stand, or... It's like, "Oh, man, we gotta go take care of some kobolds out there." He can't go with you. It's daytime. He cannot physically go outside. And it's made him a real mopey asshole. Now, at first, you guys give him the benefit of the doubt and everything. It's like, he's got to adjust, man. He's got to... I mean, it's probably really hard.

And now he basically spends all his time in the attic. Like, he doesn't talk to anybody. Real mopey. He's got a cure poster on the wall, listening to real mopey music all the time. Just writing a novel. [Laughter] Real introspective. Just real emo about it. All the time. Spend all my time on Pitchfork. [Laughter] Completely changed his fighting style. He no longer uses his hand axes. He only does a tumbler. [Laughter] It's the only type of people who use tumblers. What he did was, when he finally started getting out of the house, he had a blacksmith craft him a new weapon.

And he had gloves with claws on them made. They're gauntlets with long fingernails, essentially, if you picture that. Not quite like Freddy Krueger knives, but like, they're just basically really long steel claws. And this is going to help make you less creepy than the townsfolk how? I... That's not really his aim. His aim is not to be less creepy. I don't feel like I have your full attention looking at the screen. I'm listening, 100%. He has claws and he's creepy. [Laughter] Excuse me. On top of that, he's completely changed the way he dressed. He got rid of his leather armor and he doesn't care about armor.

I mean, he's pretty much undead, so I mean, there's no... He just doesn't care anymore. There's no real reason for, you know, so he wears just kind of billowy cloth and he actually went out and bought a cape. Oh. Which you've ridiculed him to no end about. [Laughter] Today, we're going to... Again, I don't feel like I have anyone's attention. I'm totally listening. I know, I just... I'm looking at the screen and it's just the silliest bunch of bullshit. [Laughter] So, today starts off about two months after your whole exploit in the swamp and everything.

And you guys get a knock on your door. You guys are all at home. It's not quite a knock, actually, so much as it is someone hammering something into the front of your door. Like that? Much, much firmer, but yeah, you get the idea. Hammer in. [Laughter] It sounds like two quick strikes, basically. Yeah. Anyone? Hello, who is in? Oh, yeah, I thought there was more. I'm the mopey one, so I can't do anything. Sorry, I'm forged of cock over here. Okay. [Laughter] Here we go. I'm sorry, I thought there was more. I'm here. I'm here for you, who's at the door? I am going to check what's going on outside the door.

I open it up and I peek out the door and I go, "Anyone out there?" And so I punch you right in the mouth. [Laughter] Flip backwards with the grace of ease. I don't understand why I'm checking. Ironhide is out dancing circles in front of our house right now. I'm out of the nothingness. I know. Hello? [Laughter] I should not have given you a map until we're ready to do something. That's my mistake. I'll learn from that. If I thought we could draw icons. I know, that's the problem. And that's my fault. I'll learn from that and that won't happen again. What's going on?

Hi. Hi, thanks for letting me in. Malcolm shuts the jerk. What is it? Okay, it was just Ironhide. No big deal. I'm heading back out. [Laughter] The end, ladies and gentlemen. That's no big deal. I fucking quit. [Laughter] I can feel us losing any listeners we might have. Okay, so I checked the door. It wasn't Ironhide. No, what it is, is a rather large knife. Oh shit. And it's hammered into your wooden door with a note. In between the note and the knife is a dead rat. Alright. And the note is an invitation for you to see the Black Hand. Thor, this is for you. [Laughter] Good luck on your future endeavors. [Laughter] Now, everything in Overdale has been running really smooth.

But every city has kind of an underbelly. Every city has a guy who can get you things. And that's what the Black Hand is in Overdale. And his base of operations is in a small bar called the Warrens. Which is pretty much in the heart of the city. And the dead rat is kind of his calling sign. Okay, so that doesn't mean he wants us dead. He just wants to talk to us. No, that's an invitation, basically. That's what the note is about. It says "dead rat edible." [Laughter] As much as any dead rat is, I guess. Well, we could feed it to Thor, although make sure that it's blood.

Pshh. We're gonna just assume that he's eaten. Okay. It's actually worked into his character completely now. Where, while you guys are taking breaks, he can actually feed on one of you. I'm dead serious. Look at your character. 1, 2, 3, not it. [Laughter] Well, how about we just have blood vials and he doesn't touch my metal skin because he can't pierce that shit. Well, he's not gonna get much from you anyway. Break his face! Just drink motor oil from... [Laughter] Okay, so the Black Hand wants to meet us. When doesn't want to meet us? At your earliest convenience.

Let's go! He is nothing if not... He's... Curtis. Yes. He's... Quite gorgial. Quite gorgial. The seedy Black Hand. Do we want to get involved? Like, we already have a public relations problem here with the vampire and the cape. And that's when I roll my eyes, like a lot. He also dyed his hair white. Oh, man. See, so we have this huge PR issue going on already. And, you know, while we're out there trying to make a name for ourselves here and kind of try to... Like, we killed the mayor and we're finally kind of rebuilding our reputation a little bit. Do we want to get involved with this Black Hand shit?

Okay, for the record, the mayor died of natural causes in our presence. And that's the story that goes to every outlet. Can I have a heart right here with one black streak through it? Sure. You sure can, Tyler. And that's canon, ladies and gentlemen. Secondly, how's the money holding out? Because generally when dangerous people get together, money changes hands. How are we doing financially? Well, you guys remember that book? Yeah. Yes. Okay. There are two problems. You guys have consulted with People You Trust, which is a very short list. A trip that far north to go to the burial chamber, or the alleged burial chamber, whatever you think may be up there.

Even though you have a map in your hands with that book that will lead you there, it's one, incredibly dangerous. Incredibly. And you are a man short. And two, it's very expensive. You guys are just ill-equipped right now. Because it's cold. It's a measure you haven't imagined. It's that cold. And just what you'll encounter up there is beyond you. Even the Champions of Overdale. Even the Champions of Overdale. So we haven't heard from our boy for quite a long time, have we? From Treyas? Yeah. Nope. He's out making those maps that we never got around to. Well, Treyas, I know that previously he was kind of depressed and went on sabbatical.

Has he just never returned, I suppose? Have you not heard from him since? Maybe it's... Look, I need an assistant and we could use some help. Why don't we put out like an application or something? To get some help. How does that sound? Just throw it outside the door at the house. It's a big town. With those little rip-offs with their address on them? Yes! Absolutely. Free guitar lessons. And also that they can heal. And that's what we need. You guys, as a Dungeoneering crew, you have no medic. You have no backup. Yeah, that's kind of important. You got yourself a dual-clawed vampire, a warlock, a ninja robot, and a bard.

But no one to save your ass from the fire if things should get hairy. Yeah, so we should definitely put out some kind of form. But back to the issue at hand. Like I said, do we want... Okay, so our money issue is okay, right? Isn't that what you were saying, basically? Yeah, that's terrible. Because we don't have enough money to actually complete this other quest. No, you would need to outfit yourselves with... Just to make the trip up there and survive, you're just going to need... It's just gear that you don't have. Ice climbing gear and just furs and all that good stuff.

Furs, I mean, that's not too much of a problem. You can afford that. But you don't know what you're going to encounter up there. Just experience and money, basically, is your problem. So Malkus, I'm assuming that you're going to push to go visit this guy here, about? The way I see it, we can sit here and rest on our adventuring profits for some time to come. Or we can get on the pathway to being absolute legends and then just live the life of luxury after we finish that. I mean, just after such the stand that we took to be good in our last big adventure, and now we're just going to go visit this dark hand who put a rat on our door.

I don't know. Well, a visit doesn't mean yes. A visit means maybe. You could just be going to the bar. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's two things. One, he's the black hand. And two, it's not necessarily, I mean, you don't have to climb in bed with him. But maybe hear what he has to say. I suppose. There's nothing illegal, there's nothing illegal listening, you know. It's pointless asking Thorol because he's just going to be like, "Whatever." There is no life of luxury. Ironhide, I guess you're fine with it. Yeah, why not? Okay, let's go. Alright, here's what we do. We go meet this guy, right?

And if we don't like what he's saying, we give each other a little signal or something. And then we shout, "This is a sting!" I'll start singing. How does that sound? That's always the signal. Okay, well let's head on over to... Maybe somebody should... I don't know. Standpoint outside? But that would make it look suspicious. Yeah. Well, okay, so you make your way over to the Warrens, which is the city's bar. It's just packed with basically drunks. I mean, it's all races, shapes, sizes. This is predominantly a human city. And in the past, they haven't looked too kindly upon anyone who isn't.

Dwarves pretty much get a pass, but you're not going to see elves. I mean, it's mostly humans. But after you guys leave, you're going to see a lot of people. Who's in charge of the city right now? The cleric, actually, the priest that you talked to that day, he pretty much took over things. It's an interim position, but he's done such a good job that people pretty much just... He didn't murder you. No, we're buddies. He didn't put you on trial, so that's awesome. But yeah, everyone pretty much knew what the deal was with the old, you know, I mean, with Lucius.

Like, that guy was morbidly obese and ill-tempered and lazy and yeah, so... You slaves. Well... He slaughtered. Allegedly. We don't know for sure. So you make... The point is that we did wrongs via bloodletting, and we've righted our wrongs with yet more bloodletting. So we're just doing the adventure thing. True thing. Violence is the cause of and solution to all of Ly's problems. He's such sleep. Ah... I hear my voice. So someone's headphones might be up a little bit? I hear your voice too, so... Yeah. I don't want to hear my voice. Wait a second, you're supposed to hear my voice.

No, I mean, I hear it twice. But it's gone now to me. Fine, that's cool. So you guys make your way through the bar, and in the back of this place you see a sturdy looking wooden door with two very large burly men posted on either side of it. So if you were to guess, that's probably where this guy's gonna be. I'll do an Intimidation Shoe. Malchus just strolls up confidently and just says in kind of a low voice, "The Black Hand sent me." Where's your proof? Oh, I have the rat! Not the note, but the rat. Good thing we didn't eat that rat. Guys, check it out!

I toss him the rat underhanded, like really cool. He's got no recoils, he expected you to show him a note or something, and he just, "Eugh!" So this big burly guard kind of reacts like, "Ugh!" Just, just, go in, just go in. Alright. You got to sit guys, high five. Keep that note. So they escort you, they basically just shove the door open, but it's a small room in the back of the bar. And sitting in a chair, again surrounded by several other large burly men, is this small gnome. And he tells you to come, come in, come in, shut the door behind you. I don't want anyone hearing what I got to tell you.

Malchus will take whatever the front and center seat is. He's basically sitting at a small coffee table. There's a few chairs positioned around it, but there's nothing really, it's not a very large space. Okay, so I start, I kind of put my hands behind my back, and I start like whistling, kind of like acting very casually, right? And I start walking around to the, to his guards, and kind of look around, and I roll a streetwise check here. It's D20 plus 11, right? That's what I... Is that what your streetwise is? Yes. Why do you have such a high streetwise?

That's so weird. I'm a dwarven bard? Well, yeah. Damn. 26. Okay, you know that the Black Hand is basically a smuggler. Anything that the town guards would normally confiscate from someone, like really high-end weapons, or illegal booze, or drugs, or children, if that's what you're into, this guy can get you for a price. He is basically organized crime within this city. There's no one that opposes him. He's pretty much just into buying goods and services and trade and things like that. It's not really a murder-for-hire type of thing, but he is totally not above killing someone to get what he wants.

I... now I understand. I sit down. I take a seat. I have nothing else to... Do you want a history check, or would that do the exact same thing? Well, a history check is not really for people necessarily... Endurance. Yes, you test it. You challenge him, do a foot race. Push-ups, now. I imagine Dan finds out everything, and then the NBC's "The More You Know" comes up with a horrified look on his face, and then he just sits down. But that's the thing. He... basically what he did was, like, he recognized what's going on and told you nothing, and sat down. Yeah.

Well, because I can't very well just kind of stand in front of everybody and say exactly what you're saying. That's why he does. So, this little gnome is about three and a half feet tall. Thick gray hair, a scraggly looking beard, and he's wearing these ratty glasses. But the rest of him is pretty much well dressed in... I mean, for around town. Like, he's kind of a business suit-y... Yeah, like he... kind of a... it's kind of makeshift in that, like, he's dressed fairly well, but... There's different genres and different... He's kind of skeevy looking at the same time.

The room you're in kind of smells like old meat. Eww, I want to kick him through the window. [laughter] Yeah, this is a completely closed off room. It's basically meant for storage, but that's his office. He pretty much uses it as that. As long as he operates kind of under the nose of town guard, as long as he's not... it's not like he can rent an actual reputable business establishment and do what he does. But, you know, he kind of stays out of everyone's way and, you know, they leave him alone. So, he kind of beckons everyone to take a seat and he wants to run a business proposition past you guys.

That's my department right here. What's up? [laughter] He wants you to get him some spores. There is a high-end alchemist in town that is paying top dollar for these and they're not exactly legal. And they're not exactly... he doesn't know why he needs them, what he's making. It's not his business. But, to get them, you basically... there's only one cave in the recent... in the vicinity of town that has these things. And he sent a group of guys in and none of them came back, which is a problem. Because he usually... I mean, you can see by the guys he has around him that it's not like he sent in some, you know, some school kids into a cave.

Like, he's got big burly guys, so this is not for the faint of heart. Big burly guys aren't afraid of rats. Well, I mean, you could crush a guy's skull, but that's different than, like, ooh, a spider. Like, I mean, it's different. But he is willing to pay top dollar. Hmm. How much is top dollar? Yeah, let's get a number. Well, anything you find in the cave, including whatever his men were carrying, is fair game. Plus, he'll pay you a thousand gold each. But just for the four in the room. Don't... he won't pay for anyone else being added to the... you're not gonna bring, like, twelve guys with you and all that.

Like, he'll give you four thousand to split in the room right now. Ooh. We need to talk about this. Is a thousand enough? I mean, we need, you know, we need bank right now. It's better than what we've been getting paid so far. Nothing? I mean, that's pretty... The last two months has been kinda lean. Yeah. I mean, as far as I understand, like, a gold piece a week is relatively luxurious. Is that the standard you're using, Jason? This is a pretty well-off town. Like, I mean, this is pretty much the epicenter of industry in a pretty large area. Like, this was basically a grouping of towns that got together and formed a pretty large city.

So, I mean, they live pretty high on the hog, but you guys get paid extravagantly well. Mostly for protection, but, I mean, you know, you spend most of that in gear. That's true. I could go either way. Uh, well, I guess I should take it. I want him to teach me how to be an alchemist. He's not an alchemist. It's for a client. Tell him to teach me. Threaten him to... Dorshak, teach me. Hey, what if I intimidate him for more money? That's good. Yeah, let's do that while he's surrounded by big burly men. That's... Sounds like a great plan. I got +11 Intimidate Jack here, so...

I'm gonna go stand next to the door. Huh? Intimidate Jack? Done. 21. Okay. I'm really gonna stand right next to the door. I'm moving back to the door too, yeah. So, Duncan is a dwarf, and even though he's a dwarf, he towers over this guy. So he steps up to him, and goes to reach out, and as he does, one of the shirtless men, just covered in tats, just prison tats... Just gyrates right on him. ...immediately reaches for the sword in his scabbard and starts to draw. And the black hand says, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope." I like this guy's style.

Yeah, you see. I'll throw in an extra 500 just for you. Thank you. Bitch. We're in. But... Who? If you fail me, I'll send guys out to break your legs. Just my legs? Yes. Thorold told me to do it. Whoa, I got a plan. You screw 'em over. We watch our best friend get his legs broke. We're not gonna fail, so it's fine. This is... we got this. We're the best there is, so... I shake his hand. I put my hand out, shake his little tiny gnome hand. You're so gross and weird. He shakes your hand vigorously, and then says, "No, I'm paying you. Get the hell out and get my stuff." The entire time, he's just eyeing... he's eyeing Malchus up and down.

Oh. And he's just kind of narrowed his vision at him, just kind of... just eyeballing him the entire time. Is that... So, and Malchus notices this activity? Well, it's hard not to, 'cause it's a very small room, and the entire day... as soon as you walked in and he saw your face, he just kind of narrowed his vision, and he's just kind of staring at... but you kind of get that a lot around town, so it's tough to... Although, people have been staring at you a lot less since Thoril... Since Thoril bought a cape and dyed his hair. It's not about freakishness, it's about relative freakishness, right?

Yes, it's... well, it's not just that, but if you picture Thoril walking through town in his billowy Castlevania outfit, and the long flowing cape with the hair, and he's constantly wearing these goddamn gloves. Constantly, just strutting through town. He goes to buy an apple or something like that, and he doesn't even want them anymore, he doesn't even like apples, but... just to show off, so he'll peel an apple right in front of someone with the fingers of his steel gloves. People fear what's different. Hey Malchus, he's eyeing you. They hate non-conformists.

Malchus finally just looks at him and is like, "Do we have a problem?" Not at all, not at all. If you make it back alive, I may have a business proposition for you. Then I look forward to meeting with you again. Alright, alright. Okay. You just kind of stare at each other, and it's an uncomfortable silence. Like you're both expecting something to happen that doesn't. A tumbleweed rolls through the office inexplicably. Alright, uh... We should probably go. But Malchus can't be the first one to blink, so I gotta stand there. He told me to leave already, so I'm out the door.

I'm gone. I'm out the door too. Yeah, he told me to leave a while ago. Yep. Alright, we are moving on, folks. Did you look away first, Jason? This is important. You backed out while staring at them, and they shut the door eventually. I want to become an alchemist, I'm not kidding. You just got a wild hair up your ass like I was. What? What? Months ago, I've wanted to be an alchemist ever since a month or so ago. It's incredibly important to me then. I warn you, it's not the most mechanically well supported direction in D&D4. Well... I've been looking that up, and I don't...

I don't... I'm trying to get the gist of it, and it's not... It's not very well laid out. It's expensive. It's expensive, it involves a lot of consumables. I mean, granted those consumables can be... make you very versatile and make you, you know, be a lifesaver, but... just be aware you're making a big financial investment. Ah. As written anyway. You hear that? There you go. I can do it. I mean, if you're dead, you know, it'd be interesting to see it in action. Is he gonna retain the ninja robot too? So he's gonna be like a ninja robot alchemist. Well, it's not a class, it's just something you can do.

Yeah, skill checks, I think. I'm just... I'm just... yeah. That would definitely be interesting. You could directly maintain that, yes. If you guys want to place your characters right there in that green patch of grass there? The bottom or the top? It doesn't really matter, it's just that... yeah. You're about to enter a cave, so you're right at the outskirts. It's of course the middle of the night, because that's pretty much the only time you guys quest now. You guys gonna say "jump under one of those trees?" Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much the only time you guys can go out.

That's one of the perks of working for a guy like the Black Hand, is that you do a lot of stuff at night. So that's pretty much when you met up with him, that's when you decided to just head out. So he gave you directions to the cave where his men were lost, and it's kind of this... It's this slit in a mountain that you would probably not even notice if you weren't specifically looking for it. Really nondescript, really kind of out of the way in a patch of forest. So you guys are standing outside of the cave, and what would you like to do? Anything conspicuous upon just glancing in?

Darkness is pretty much all you see. It's the middle of the night, and you guys have your torches and whatnot, but it's incredibly dark. But nothing, I mean you don't see anybody, nothing hanging out, nothing immediately dangerous. Hey Justin. You wanna run your history check? Oh shit! I'm relevant. Alright, uh... Yeah. What does it say? Where is it? Okay, I got it now. I know what I'm doing. And what do I see? Not much. That's 14, that's not bad. I brought two, man. The cave specifically doesn't have a flamboyant history, but there have been a series of disappearances in the area.

Like it's been a pretty famous area for someone to go missing and then just not show up anymore. Malkus, you got anything? You mean as far as knowledge checks? Just, what do you think? Do you think we should run some more? Do you think Dungeoneering? I think we need more context. I think we should just press on in and then use whatever context we find in there to make our next decision. Okay. I'm in. I'm down. Everyone's in tentative today. Everyone's... I'm down. Well, you know, it's, it's, it's uh... we're heading into unknown territory here. Everything, it's dark, it's night.

Thoril's a vampire. So we need to... Let's, yeah, let's just head in. Let's do it. Alright. I'm gonna make the first patch visible. So immediately upon entering the cave, you notice that the entire place is kind of covered in this thick moss. You also notice a network of, of thin vines covering the entrance. Like as soon as you walk in they kind of hang low and then they're, they're also... You've never really seen this in a cave before, but along the wall you kind of have very thin vines kind of cradled by moss the entire archway. Can I cut one of them off and keep it?

I guess, yes. Just in case, man. For his alchemy. Because I'm going to be the world's bestest alchemist ever. Uh, so are you serious or are you just fucking around? Yeah, cut it. I don't know. So, uh, you, you snap off a piece of this vine and pocket it, I guess. Like a thief. An alchemist thief. A sneak thief. Uh, and about 40 or 50 feet in, you notice that there is a branching pathway. Uh oh. Uh, you can either kind of make a break to your, to your, well if your character's walking in it'd be your, your right. But looking at the map, it's left or you can kind of press further inward.

Guys, let's split up. Is it left right here or further inward? Yes. Uh, I say, I say the left just because, um, you know, the closer we stay to walls the fewer angles we have to get like flanked from. I say we split up. That is a good idea. I'll take that. Alright, you go with Scooby, I'll take Velma and Daphne. Um, and there's no kind of, like, nothing would be useful right now to give us any kind of context clues as to which way would be better to go or anything. Do we have light? Do we have torches? Yes, you do have torches. Yeah, basically. You also have Thoril who has low light vision.

So should something happen to those torches? Oh, Malchus is on low light as well. Yes, Malchus. Oh yeah, Tiefling, yeah. So you got a Tiefling and a vampire, so that's pretty good company to keep in the dark. Uh, so you guys are taking the, the path left there. Yeah, that sounds good. If you guys want to, I'm thinking about going straight. I'm thinking about going straight. Seriously? I'm thinking. I don't know. I mean, we can sweep around and meet back up. See if it all connects. Yeah! That sounds like a great idea, guys. Let's just... Nothing, nothing better than four people, you know, it's not like they didn't send a bunch of burly men in here and they didn't die.

You don't understand, I got this moss, I'm like one of them. One of what? One of the most people. The one that killed the burly man. He just made a villain up. I'm a moss man, don't you see? One of the moss men that we're clearly here to find. It's important to be one of them. I love this new quest that he's created. Oh, okay, so this is... Turns out Ironhide's losing his mind more than you. We're not splitting up. We're going... I'm a moss man. Sandbox gameplay, ladies and gentlemen. Sandbox gameplay. It's my fault, I'm playing with the most attention-devastate crew.

I can draw? Here's a cock. I wasn't the only one drawing. I think everybody else but Rob was. Rob has some decorum, that's why. So, you guys make your way down this... this especially dark portion of the cave. And you're also noticing the vines are getting thicker. I'm gonna cut one of those off. As you make your way back into it. You, sir, you wanna cut one off again? Yeah, put it around my neck. Okay. So, you're now wearing one of these vines like a necklace. I feel like we're moving into the small intestine or something. I feel like we're like moving through a digestive tract.

It's very... it's a long, narrow passageway. Which opens up into a larger... a larger room. Which you can see here. You notice at the back of the room there are a few dead bodies. I did notice that. Now that you mention it, I do notice. I also notice the slime or whatever that is in the middle. Yeah, there's some bubbles. And it looks like acid. The slime is interesting. Getting close to it you can see that the slime actually looks like a liquid algae type of thing. Like something that's accumulated on the top of a stagnant pond. Something like that. Does anybody have good nature?

If we do a nature check on it? Let's just see. I'm not trained. I thought I had nature. You used to. Yes I did. I used to. I don't anymore. You have plus two on nature. You kinda lost your connection with nature. You just don't care anymore. Got 19? I'm very stealthy. Stealth on to nature and get it. I got a 19. What is it? He rolled a 19. 19? Oh wow, he did. Okay. Pretty impressive. Wow, with a plus two multiplier. I'm impressed. So while you're checking out this little dab of pond scum, we're going to do something here real quick. Hold on one second. It's getting dark.

It's getting dark. Let's get intimately close to it. Thoril runs up to the dead body, screams candy bars and starts feasting. I want to view something real quick. Standing directly behind you. Actually, I'm just going to do this. There are two small rocks that you notice start moving. Oh shit, they're aquars. They just kind of look like... Is it stalactites or stalagmites? Which one's on the ground? Stalagmites are on the grass. Stalagtites are on the ceiling. Are you just saying that or do you know? I think he's right. Why do you know that? I don't want to know how he knows that.

Why do you know that? I don't know. The phrase I remember hearing is stalactites are tight to the ceiling. Stalagmites might get there someday. Oh wow, I've never heard that. Okay, well okay then mites. So basically jagged looking rocks that are on the ground. And what it does is immediately shoots out two tentacles. I'm one of them, so... You're not one of them. You are not a rock with a tentacle around it. Now, Malkus and Thoril. And Thoril. Basically it's going to be a check against your reflex I believe. Hold on one second. A few creatures grabbed. Okay, yeah.

Actually, he's just going to target Malkus. So, right now, after this attack I want you to roll initiative. But let's do this attack first. So, there's my dice roller. Jesus. It's been a long time. Plus 20 plus 15. You're rolling against a 16. 33. I think you got it. I think it works. Whatever it was, it was a touch faster than me. So, basically because it had the jump on you. So, what's going to happen is firstly that's going to deal 1d8 plus 10 damage. Off the bat. So that's 11. Oh wow, that was a shitty roll. Plus, yeah it was kind of, well he's got a plus 10 modifier helped out.

And you're grabbed. A plus 10 modifier is the only thing that really helped him. So, everyone go ahead and, let me add the party here, go ahead and roll initiative. Yeah! Boom! Natural 20. Wow, nice. That was my only good roll today. Natural 16. Oh wait, I forgot to put the initiative on. Crap. Hang on. I'm last. Oh, what's the initiative? Plus 2 I think for you? Oh, my initiative I think is... Okay, sorry. No, let's see. Damn it, 18. Okay, I got a 6 rather than a 4. I should have put the modifier on the other one, I would have had a 26. You got a 16 you said? Me? Uh, yeah.

I got an 18. 18, sorry, shit. When I actually added in the modifier that I was supposed to put in. Where's the modifier? I forgot. It's 2. I looked it up, it's 2. Justin, what'd you get you said? 6. 6. Big 6. That's worth the modifier. Uh, Malchus got 15. So what did I find out from this puddle? Well, okay, while you're... Sounds a good roll I sacrificed. While you were looking at the puddle, Malchus gets lashed from behind. Yeah! Let's sort that out. And you guys are, you find yourself in a fight, across the room you notice one of the other rocks moving towards you.

Oh, shut up. Duncan, you are up first. Okay. Let's see here. Okay. Uh, I will... Nobody took any damages last time? What's that? Uh, Malchus did. I gotta adjust it. What did he take? 11. 11, yeah. I'm gonna do a War Song Strike on this gentleman here, right in front of me. Um, it's a d20 plus 11. And I will sing Rock of Ages. Even you sounded unimpressed with that. Damn, that refuse to die. And... roll. 30. Damn. Uh, that'll hit. Okay. Damn straight it will. Um, it says a 1d8 plus 5. And... 11. Is his damage. Uh, very nice sir. 11. Bam! And if anybody gets, uh... If anybody hits him now before my next turn, they get plus 3 temporary hit points.

Yeah. Uh... Thoril, you're up. New and improved Thoril. Do what? New and improved Thoril. Yeah, I'm gonna have to, uh, figure out what I should do. I don't know why, but this looks fun. I'm gonna use, uh, Dark Beckoning. Mmm! Much better than Melee Basic Attack. It has more of a flash to it. My name only. So it's a d20 plus 7. Oh, I'm doing it to 1, obviously. But, uh... 15. Now Dark Beckoning is mainly used to draw someone toward you. You are standing directly next to one. Eh, it's also an attack. Okay. Just throwing it out there. Well... Yeah. That's versus Will, right?

Uh, yes. That doesn't hit. Damn. Wow, that is not an auspicious start for the new and improved Thoril. Who cares? Hey Thoril, uh, I got three words for you. Basic Melee Attack. You know, it's not nearly as good anymore as you assume it is. It's lost a ton of its power. He's traded in those two big hand axes for some flash and flare and a cape. And a black streak of white. Yes. Uh, Malkus, your turn. Alright. Um, let's see here. Oh, don't forget, uh, I think, uh, Thoril forgot to add it, but you're flanking him. So you get the... Oh, sure, the plus 2? Shit. Uh, let's go with my...

Yeah, that's still... ...regular old soul eater to start with. So flanking, I'll be at plus 13. Yeah, you're crazy with the multipliers. 31 will hit. I think I did alright there. Alright. Yeah, whatever, it'll hit... Pick a stat, it'll hit whatever. Uh, d12 plus 9. And is this the guy that gives me the temp hit points, Dan? Yep. Okay, so, uh, I'll get three temporary hit points because I hit him. Excuse me. Uh, and 19 damage. Very nice. And, uh, I'll stay right there. I like flanking, I like being away from the action here. It's a good place. Oh, dammit. Uh, you are grabbed.

Uh, so you need to make a saving throw. That's right. Uh, let's see, that's just a flat d20. I fail it. Yeah, so he's still... he's still got your legs. Well, that's where I want to be, so... There. So there. He and I couldn't be happier together. Alright. Uh, sorry, who's next? Uh, oh! Uh, these things are called cave ropers, by the way. Uh, they are essentially... They have rock bodies, basically. Uh, they can retract in and kind of, uh, act like turtles. So, hitting up... they... they... they're pretty damn hard to beat up on, 'cause, you know, you're basically punching rocks.

Uh, so let's see here. What's he gonna do? Brother. Heh. Uh... Uh, he's gonna bite Malkus. That bitch has it coming. So, let's see here. That is a d20+11. 27! Uh, I'll react with Infernal Wrath. Uh... Yeah, he just takes a flat d6 plus... stats. Uh, for hitting me, he just takes a flat d6 of damage here, so let me roll that. Five damage, as I make him burst into flames of vengeance and fire. He's taking five damage, and you, sir, are taking d12+8. Yeah! It's as hard as I do. 13. So you're gonna want to get this guy off of you quickly. Yeah, probably. Their ammo is pretty much to rope you up and then wha--oh, you're bloodied already, wow.

You should back off. I'm grabbed. Well, ask him politely. [Laughter] Uh, let's see. Sorry, man, there's a lot of silence tonight. Uh, K-roper 2. He is-- Now, the drawback with these things is they're very, very slow. Uh, they actually have a movement speed of 2. So he's gonna move-- Really? Only 2? 2. That's it. They're basic-- [Laughter] I was hoping that somebody would make the decision for me, one of these ropers. 'Cause I'm supposed to be the tank, but I don't know if I should help all these fat asses circling this other one. [Laughter] Or just grab ahold of this guy and just start gyrating with him. [Clicks tongue] Failing that gyrate, guys.

What? Okay, uh, Roper 2 is going to use, uh, Reel. Uh-oh. Uh, let's see here. That is... Minor at will. Uh, I'm trying to figure out if that's--versus Fortitude. So, uh, he's gonna target, uh, Ironhide. And that is a D20 plus 17. Oh, D20 plus 11, sorry. Uh, 15 versus your Fortitude. My Fortitude is 14?! Well, then he grabs you. He grabs you and, uh, pulls you to him. And you're gonna go ahead and take, uh, 2D10 damage. So... I think that's the 10, yep. 8. 8 damage I have taken. Yeah. Alright. So I'm down to 41. Not even close, I'm up to 43. 43. Yeah. Could really use a healer. [Laughter] Well, yeah.

Uh, Justin. I'm down to robot, so... Jarek, your turn. Oh, by the way, uh, you're wrapped up too, so you-- Well, it doesn't--it just immobilizes you, you're-- I can't move, so I'm a tank, so I'm supposed to be immobilized. Good. Um... I'm gonna have to say that I will try Reasoning with him. [Snorts] Yeah, I'm gonna use, um... [Snorts] Uh... Green Flame Blade. Alright. Yeah, man. So that's, uh, oh, dammit. D20 plus 12. If this doesn't hit, I'm gonna kill myself. [Laughter] 18? Uh, versus AC? Yeah. No. I'm gonna kill myself. [Laughter] Well, guys, that's it. I told you.

So it is. I'm gonna use a Geass of Assault on him, though. Mark that bitch. Uh, okay. So he's marked. He's not going anywhere. He roped you, so... Yeah. [Laughter] I don't think you have to worry, but okay. Does it do anything if, like, yeah... I guess it does nothing. It kinda does nothing. I'm tanking him anyway, you guys. I'm wrapped up right next to him, and we're gonna kiss forever. Uh, Duncan, your turn. Alright. Let's see here. [Coughs] Um... Malchus needs help. [Laughter] Butts bleeding. Yeah, I just don't have much. Let me see. Inspire a Refrain. I could buff you.

But I don't... [Laughter] Does he have any long-range attacks? Who, me? I do, if I... You talking about Malchus? Yeah, Malchus. I'll let you know. You can target the tentacle, or you can target him. Oh? I'll let you know that. Oh, so you can't shift or anything? No. Oh, understood. Yeah, I'm locked down. Okay, um... So, here's what I'm gonna do. Uh, I'm going to... do my Warsong Strike again. I will do it on his tentacle. Mm-hmm. Um... It is a d20 plus 11... Not 14, 11. Okay, and 17. Damn it. Uh, nope, that's gonna miss. Yeah, okay. Well, I have a minor action. Can I use it?

Uh... Sure. Are you shifting away? Uh, no, I... It's an encounter, but I think... He has 20 left, right? Uh, Malchus? Yeah. Correct. What do you think, Malchus? I can, uh... Here's what I can do. I can give you... a healing surge, and you can regain additional hit points equal to my Charisma modifier, which is, uh... I wanna say 3. 4. Um... I think the worst hit I can get won't drop me. Okay. So, like, if you wanna give it another turn and wait to see what happens, I think I can hold out. Oh, but it does say... Okay, wait. So, on the bottom, even though it's red, it says, "You can use this power twice per encounter, but only once per round." Yeah.

You get two of those. Okay. So, I can use it twice this encounter. Yeah, but only once per turn. Right. Uh... Does that change anything, Malchus, or do you still want me to hold off? I think I can make it if you wanna do something else this turn. Uh, I mean, I don't really have anything else I wanna do this turn. I don't have to worry about getting hit at this... Well, okay. No. Yeah, I'll hold out. I rarely get hit. It builds character. Okay. 'Cause... Teethling Chicks, especially. Or, no, man. I'm doing okay for now, so I'll just hang out. We're good. Alright. And, Thoril, your turn.

Holy crap. Felt like forever. Just for Dan, I'm gonna try melee basic attack. Even though it's far weaker than it used to be. I'll try it on one, D20+6. Ah, another 15. Hey, guess what? I'm just gonna be over here if you need me. Wow, okay. Malchus! Being a vampire sucks. Being a vampire does not change hair. You can always find that little girl. Your dice rolls. It's too late now. Assholes. I would love to bring up that conversation, because I would like to know who actually said, "You know what? Kill the little girl." Let's murder that girl. I mean, really, what kind of future is she gonna have in that mud hut?

She's just gonna grow up to be a right whore, she is. Malchus, your turn. You said, okay. I'm gonna do Blazing Doom of the Void. I've got +2 for flanking and a +2 power bonus from hitting with Soul Eater last turn. Ooh. So, 30 versus Fortitude? Yeah, whatever. Yeah. Take whatever you want. Wait, was that on his tentacle? Or his body? I was, I feel like I aimed for his body before, well, if they're two distinct targets to get my bonuses, I have to aim for the same target again. Oh, okay. So, such is life. 2d12+9 is an encounter power, so it's got some kick to it. 23 fire damage.

Fire and Necrotic damage. Nice. 23, bam. He's still standing, isn't he? Oh, yes. Action point. Ooh. I'll go ahead with Soul Eater again. It's my modified basic thing. And, because I hit with Blazing Doom of the Void, +5 power bonus to my next damage roll against the target before the end of my next turn. So, hopefully this will hit and get to cash in. 31. 31. You have not rolled below 30 yet. Yes, 31 will definitely, definitely hit. It's a good day to be Malchus. Bad day to be Thoril. I don't know, so far he's the only one bloodied. d12+14, so this is d12+14, because that +5 power bonus to damage.

Hit it. 23. 23, again. Nice. It's not even bloodied yet? Now it is. Okay. That makes me feel slightly better. You took a nice chunk off of him. I'm gonna save versus the grapple then, see if I get out. I don't. Critical miss. No. Well, I had to use up those good rolls somewhere. He's successfully wrapped it around your neck. And asphyxiation. I think that's the end of Malchus' turn. And Cave Roper 1. He's gonna use Bite. He's gonna bite the piss out of you. He's just gonna bite the hell out of you. Wait, aren't you successfully flanking him though? Did you account for that?

I did, in my tackles, yeah. Oh, right. Oh yeah, Tyler, remember to add the +2. I don't think it would have mattered. It wouldn't have that time, but no. I know. But yeah, you know, it's nice to... Let's see here. +11. Oh, 14. No way. Totally missed. And then we got Cave Roper 2. He's gonna use Bite as well. Watch me in this epic roll. What's his one? AC? Yeah. No. Same roll! Holy shit! Wow! He's got a +11. Justin. Yes. Your turn. This time I'm gonna try something different. I'm gonna try Flame Cyclone. Now the way this says, which I hope this actually works the way I want it to, "Standard Attack, Close Blast 3, Target, each creature in the blast, does this count also against him and his tentacles?" Well, yeah, they're separate targets, so yeah.

Goddamn it. I don't wanna use that then. I'm gonna break me off some of that. 14. Well, wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second. What? Okay, yeah, I forgot you're wrapped up too, so yes. Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry. 14 misses, right? Yeah. All right. Make sure that Corrosive Rune is unchecked though, because that was checked off already for some reason. Yeah, I don't know why. Totally didn't check that off. Yeah, my glories were checked too. Weird. It must have been from last time, I guess. I thought I re-added everyone to the party, but yeah, okay. I'll take care of it.

But Flame Cyclone was used. Can I do a saving throw? Well, yeah, you have to at the end of your turn. No, I didn't do it last time. How do I know if I have something on my saving throw? What do you mean? Like, plus so and so, or is it just a 20? It's just a flat d20. Nine. Not quite. Nope, nope, nope. Fuck! Ahhhhh, dunkin'. Orsong strike against those tentacles. Go. Nope, 16. Damn, nope. Okay, peace. You said knock, throw, or something. You said not quite for me. It was a saving throw. Ten and above get you out of what you're... Oh, I saw that. Uhhhh, Thoril! (whispering) Alright, let's try to get this to actually do something here.

Hang on, I'm looking at like my five different things that I can actually do now. Umm, okay. Umm... Eeee, sorry, I'm just looking real quick. Alright, I'm gonna try vampire slam. Which sounds awesome. So I just slammed an old door also? Sounds like a Halloween wrestling event. Halloween slam. That's a vampire slam! That'd be great, I'd totally plus that. Eight, 26, versus... Six, versus... reflex. Oh yeah, you got it. Damn. Yeah, their reflex is not so great. Awesome. Oh, wait a second. So, let's see what this is. You know that was reflexes, right, Jace? That 14? Yeah, me too.

I hear echo. Yeah, me too. I hear it again. Nah, it's gone, but... Okay. Uhhhh, what did you say, Justin? Your other attack? Yeah, the flame cyclone was 14 against their reflexes. I imagine that doesn't make any difference. 14 against... no it doesn't. Alright. Their reflex is pretty damn good. It's better than 14. Three dollars. So, damage to that is 15. 15, alrighty. Reflex is better than 14. Nice, okay. Um, Malchus. Uh, it also says I can push the target one square, but I don't think I can really do anything. I don't think I'd really do any good anyway, so... Push it and push it.

I'll just leave it as that. Malchus. Uh, yeah, he'd still be tied to Malchus either way. He'd still be dragging him around? Yeah. Wait, what's going on? Why are we typing? He rolled the 22 versus the AC. Okay, so Rob's using Soul Eater again. 22 versus AC, that hits. So why is Rob typing? What happened? I don't know. I do not know. Damage. Damage is 19, alright. What a dipshit. Uh, alright. Oh, he's rolling to save 15. 15, okay, you are... Victory. Disembodied Malchus, you are no longer wrapped up. And now it's the Cave Roper's turn. Don't punch him with a dick. Uh, he is going to... hmm.

He's going to throw out his tentacle towards Duncan. 'Cause he's going to want to bite the shit out of someone. Someone's going to pay. Uh, plus 9. That's a 10. Versus, uh, Reflex. I imagine your Reflex is higher than 10. It's 15. Yeah, alright. Uh, let's see here. That's a miss. And we're going to Cave Roper 2. Uh, he's going to use Bite. Uh, against Justin. So, let's see. No! Yeah. That's AC, yo. Oh, that's... Bite. 11. 25. That hits. Yeah. Uh, which is... Sorry, 1d12 plus 8. 18. Christ. Yeah, that hurts. Bloody, I think, right? Yeah. Yeah. Feels good. Alright, your turn, Justin.

Alright. Alright. Let's see. Alright, yeah. I'm going to use Corrosive Rune. This attacks their Fortitude. Alrighty. Is that 20? Yeah. 20. Uh, that'll hit. Alright, that hits each creature in the blast, too. Does that also hurt his tentacles enough to let go? Uh, yes, that'll hit that. God damn it. So, that just hits the... Yeah, okay, that just hits the tentacle. Corrosive Rune, okay. Okay, so here's what happened. I got up to make Decaf, which means I unplugged my headphones so that I could hear you guys from just my speakers, but I didn't want... That's where the echo came from.

I didn't have my mic yet, so I muted my mic and kept making the Decaf, and then you said it was my turn. Decaf means poop. So I yelled at you from the toilet, and... So yes, now my coffee is brewing. That's why you said "Victory." That's what I say every time I poop. -'Cause you made it. -"Victory." We're gonna discuss the problem. I'm getting older, all right, so... "Victory!" We're dead and gone. We threw the ring into Mordor, and I made it to the poo-poo lab. So, did you roll damage? No, I did not. Well, you should do that. Son of a bitch. 1d8+6. 1d8+6 please.

Dang. Tw-what? 10. That took a long time to get over there to you guys. It did, that's weird. This is like 20, holy shit! Are the blue lines staying up for anyone else? Yes. This can only make things even more exciting. Justin disappeared. And he's in the void, and he's back. Oh, gone now. So, you are no longer grabbed, and it is now Duncan's turn. Ah. Duncan's turn. Well, um, Malchus seems to be holding his own over here. What's my move? How the fuck can I move? Malchus says, "I've got this, bro." Gay-ass demon. "I've got this dog." Okay, so I'm gonna go here. What about the Call of Duty?

You own Call of Duty. I know, but that's such a bro thing to, you know, get to Mount- Check out this video of my hip-fire sniper kills. It's ballin'. Straight up ballin'. All these things I own, like, I own the Mountain Dew stuff, so it's like, "I can't say anything." Okay, um, so I'm going to do Inspiring Refrain, which is, uh, encounter power. On 2. That is a D20 plus 11 versus AC. Um, I will sing Uh, Detroit Rock City, eh? 'Cause he's a rock, eh? Ah, eh? Thank you. Okay, okay. I know you like it. I bet his next song is Cleveland Rocks. Maybe something by The Vines, eh?

Okay. I really hate you. And roll. 22. Uh, 20 fuel hit. Okay. Now, this is 2D8. I said 2D8, there we go. Plus 5 damage. Why is this taking so long? My dice thing is being real slow for some reason. 8's. 10. Uh, 10, yes. Yeah, 10, alright. So, not great, but something. Not terrible. Um, also, each ally within 5 squares, so that would be 4. Everyone? Everyone. Everyone, yeah. Um, y'all get a +1 power bonus to your attack roll at the end of my next turn. So, rar! Now, if Thoril can hit something. Yes! Hey, I did last time. You did, you did last time. I'm sorry. Uh, speaking of Thoril, it's Thoril's turn.

I've got an encounter power that it looks like I would like to use. Hmm. I don't know how much, actually, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna love this. Um, fear of assault. It is d20+8, plus that 1. Would it be an extra 2 for flanking as well? Yep. Mine, mine is on, um, it's a power bonus. It's not on this, right? Yeah, that's for the, but he's flanking, so it's a d20+10. Okay. Oh, yeah. And then the damage is, what, +2? +1. I got a 24. That'll hit. Cool. 2d12+9. Um, you know, I don't know what we're gonna encounter, 'cause I kinda wanna, nah, he's probably almost done, so.

I can see, I'm looking at the text for this, that I saw. You know what I wanna use. Yep. I'll wait until the other one. Uh, well, I can't actually with the encounter, but yeah. 2d12+22. 22. Who's a pussy now? No one calls you a pussy. Justin might've. You were thinking it. Probably, actually, Justin probably did. Yeah, let's not jump the gun here. It probably happened at some point. I was actually thinking that it might be pretty gay of you if you, uh, for each kill you get, you put another black streak of hair. A red streak. It marks all the enemies that I have slain.

It's like the tears that you get, the tear tattoos that you get in prison. Uh, is that gonna wrap up your turn? Yeah, that's gonna wrap up my turn. Alright, Malkus. Okay, uh, man, this thing is still standing. Yeah, they're pretty tough. Like, really? Did I pop so loud that I heard my own pop in your microphone? That was astonishing. I consider myself talented. Okay, um, let's, uh, let's do- Malkus is easily impressed. A little bit, a little bit. Um, yeah, I do want to hit him this turn. I want to hit him real bad. Um, Soul Eater once again. Alrighty. 18 versus AC.

That'll miss. Oh, then I'll 5-foot. And let me just shift away. Let me back away, back away. Uh, Cave Roper's turn. Uh, he's gonna use real on Malkus. Is that a ranged attack? Yes. He provokes from the vampire. What?! Unless it's expressly says he- Oh, that's true. Shit, yeah, okay. Uh, Thor will go ahead and, uh- You really tossed him under the bus there? Well, he's bloody. Look at him. He's got nothing else going for him. Sayin'. What do I do now? Uh, make a- It's a melee basic attack. Yeah, melee basic. Oh. Okay, cool. Uh, D20, 6, 12. And that'll miss. Okay. Now he can destroy me.

Uh, 20 versus your reflex. Uh, 20 won't hit me, yeah. I'm sorry, versus Fortitude. Um- Uh, it still hits me. Brows still hits you, yes. Uh, so, he's gonna yank you back over here. By the hair. By the hair. Uh, 2d10 damage, 6. That could've been worse? It could've been much worse. Duncan! Duncan! Oh, now you want me over there, huh? I just wanted to make sure you hadn't gone far. Uh, Cave Roper number 2. Uh, let's see here. He's gonna use Tentacle on Duncan. Yep. So, that is, uh, D20 plus 9. Versus- Reflex. 22 versus Reflex. Malchus, I'm a little tied up over here at the moment.

Oh, I hate you. No! Ah-ah! Oh, you suck. I love how Dancin', I love how Dancin', they like, I crack myself up. Uh, what happened to the, uh, G.I.S. of Assault or whatever that Jarek had on? That was like at the beginning of this fight, I don't, like, once- Oh, I get to teleport behind him and goose him. Alright, go ahead. Alright, I teleport exactly where I'm standing. This is a terrible waste of technology. He, like, disappears and reappears first. He bothers to teleport. You little shit. Alright. And I attack with a 27. Uh, that hits. Alright, did he attack his Tentacle, right?

No, I attacked his back. He marked the creature, he didn't mark the Tentacle in advance. I'm going to, yeah. Damn it. Nice try though! Can't bail you out of everything. How much damage? I'm making enemies right now. Uh, 12. 12 damage. 12 damage is 12 damage. Nice, nice. Chow. So you basically, your blade just kind of clacks against his rock hard skin. Um, meanwhile, uh, Dan's going to go ahead and take 18 damage. Jeez! Uh, from that Tentacle attack. Jesus. Jesus! And, that would be Jarek's turn. I'm going to use green, lime, bright. On his tentacle? On his face. I'm a healer, I can heal you!

Alright, alright, alright, I'll hit your cell down, okay? We can work this out, the cell down. Alright, I'm going to hit him in his tentacle. And you also killed the other plus two because we're flanking. Plus two because we're flanking him. 19. That misses. Turn around. I want to hit him now. Uh, Duncan, your turn. Okay, uh, War Song Strike. On his dirty... Dick. Little... dick. Alright, you've targeted the body. Also, I wanted to, uh, shift. Oh, fuck you! No, I don't care! Now he's going to attack you. He was already good at attacking me, I'm attached to him. Why is it, Justin, you only remember things about your turn after your turn?

Oh, and also, I do the Samba as a minor action. He's already going to attack me because he's attached to me. If you're there, I get my flanking bonus. He can backhand me! You know shit. Um, okay. 29. 29 will hit. Gag! That was against his tentacle thing. Um, 1d8 plus five. I have to use daily on this guy. Damn it, it's very slow. Okay. 11! Uh, that'll... he lets go. Yes. Uh, do you want to do anything as a minor action? Uh... Can I... am I... can I heal? I'm trying to see the range on that. My majestic ward, see if I can heal him up. Um... Uh, close burst five! Yes, you're good.

Yes. Malchus is close enough. So, uh, there you go. You can spend a healing surge and regain hit points equal to my charisma modifier. I can also slide you one square. If you want to. Um... He's still grabbed. Oh, he is grabbed? Okay, I didn't know you were grabbed. Yeah. So you're using a surge. I am, yes. And, uh, um, Dan, is that also an additional 1d6 on top of that because you're 6th level? Yes. Oh, but I'm only 4. What? I'm only level 4. You're level 4? Mm-hmm. Wait, no, I'm level 4. I was looking at my speed. That's not my level. [laughter] We're all level 4. Okay, it's legit.

Rob's been drinking. Uh, Un poquito. [laughter] Um, okay, yeah, I want to spend the surge, get the hit points. Uh, okay, what's your surge value again there? Uh, my surge value is probably in my status tab. Um, oh, hey, whoa. 11. That's 50. Yeah, that's it. 11's pretty damn good. Use a surge. He gets 15 though because he gets my charisma modifier too, which is 4. Excellent. Bam. Wait, that's not right. No, that's not right at all. Why are you gonna... [laughter] You know what? Let's just... That's right. There we go. But you're still grabbed. Um, uh, Thoril, your turn.

No, I'm not grabbed anymore, right? Because I still have the thing on me. Uh, that should have gotten rid of that. Let me get rid of that for you. Bam. No, you're not. There you go. Thoril, your turn. Hmm, I'm just kind of looking at this. You got a couple of pages of new stuff. Yeah, yeah. Uh, I'm just gonna try Vampire Slam again. That worked last time. I'll try it this time. Slam. Uh, 19. Looks like it's versus reflex. Uh, that'll hit. Alright. Slam. If you wanna jam. Uh, 14 damage. Uh, you run into this thing, picking it up by the base, and just kind of lift it up and slam it into the ground.

Uh, it stops moving afterwards. Yeah! Yay! I just think he was rock hard for you. Wah wah. Yeah. Now Malchus was attached to him at the time, so no, Malchus is... He's dead too. Malchus is dead too, yeah. I don't make the rules, okay? Start sucking. Good job, vampire. Uh, you wanna do anything, move or anything? Yeah. Um... I could probably move up to the two. I'm trying to think if I should use that, or if maybe I should use one of my moves and pull him towards me. Uh, but since you guys are already doing your thing, I'll just move right up here. Yeah, Malchus! And Malchus, your turn.

Okay. This is gonna get ugly for this, uh, this cave roper here. Let's see, we go one, two, three, four... You can't stand on the select, uh, mites. Five, six, yeah I'm going like bearish, I think. You can stand on... it's just, uh... Stupid. Uh, not restricted to it, but rough terrain, that's all. Wait a sec, wait a sec, hold on. Uh, I'd wanna be grabbed less. I think I've had quite enough of being manhandled. So we're gonna go back there instead, and I'm gonna, uh, Eldritch Blast. Plus... This song's called "Mr. Roper, Mr. Roper." Alright, that's D20 plus nine...

Eh, it's not gonna fly. Uh, ten? No. That's a critical miss. Wow, nope. Nope, nope, nope. Oh, shit. Hey, hey, it's dark in here, you didn't see that, I'm far away. You're also on a separate map. [Laughter] Uh, Cave Roper number two. Let's see what he's gonna do here. Hmm. Uh, he's gonna use tentacle on, uh, Iron Hood? It's like when I had tentacle on somebody, oh, he pissed. Right. Yeah, he cut it off. He went all out. Twenty-one! Twenty-one? Fortitude. Oh, fortitude, yeah, that hits. Okay, so that's one D8 plus ten, and you are grabbed. Eighteen. And then he gets to attack?

No, that is the attack. Oh, eighteen. But you are, yeah, you're grabbed, though. I'm glad we don't have a healer. Or somebody that's willing to actually step up and fight with us. [Laughter] See ya, Malakas. [Laughter] Another day, perhaps. Uh, it's your turn, though. Yep. I'm gonna smack that bitch in the mouth. I'm gonna scream, "Get off my man." [Laughter] What, like a melee basic attack? What are you using here? Yeah. I'll just use Green Flame Blade again. Already? A.C. Hark! Twenty-four. Twenty-four will hit. Was that against his tentacles, so he'll free you?

No. Oh, okay. No. He's mine, he doesn't need that. Yeah, mine. How? Fifteen. Uh, okay. And he's bloodied. Oh, it's sixteen, because he hit my modifier. Alright. And it's, um... A hundred, because... [Laughter] It's my birthday! [Laughter] Uh, Duncan, your turn. Okay, War Songs. Oh, just a saving throw. Oh, okay, yeah, that can count. I'll save that shit. Oh, okay. Okay, yeah, that can count. I'll save that shit. Seven, okay. For another... Oh, Duncan! That's out of ten. Ha-ha! Thirteen, does it? Uh, yeah. Oh! You're no longer grabbed. I'm still bloodied. Oh, you're very much bloodied.

Oh, yeah. You're down to seven. Uh, Duncan, your turn. Okay. War Songs. Alright, twenty-one. Uh, that'll hit. Okay. Uh, then it is one D eight plus five. Slow, slow, slow. Two, four, five. Uh, eight damage. Alrighty. Not much. Um, also, I'm going to use my other majestic word for Ironhide. Yeah. He's bloodied, by the way. Alright. And, Justin, you're using... Uh, you're using a Surge plus you get a plus four. And, that's twenty-three you're up to now. Holy shit! Thanks, buddy. No problem. The one who didn't leave us? Cigarettes! It never came home. I like how Malchus is backing into a corner, too.

It's not like he's... Uh, Thor, your turn. Okay, well, I don't want to have to do the same things over and over again. Since I have like five different things to do. Um, I'm going to try, uh, I'm going to try Taste of Life. That's when you realize killing yourself is not the only answer. I want to taste life. A D twenty plus eight. Eleven. That's going to miss. So, if I don't get the Taste of Life, does that mean I kill myself? Yes. Game over. Yeah, that's it. Well, see you guys. Been fun, man. Game over, man. Okay, and that leads us to Malchus again. Malchus! Oh, cheers for Malchus again.

Oi, okay. Eldritch Bolt. Nope. Dickhead. Okay, that misses, so... I'll stay over here. Uh, okay. You stay back there. Why are we doing correspondence with turns now? What happened? How much coffee is he drinking? Like... Alright. Games that are in the back of the magazines that you got when you were in the comic book. You know? Uh, he's going to use Tentacle again on Justin... ten. That's going to miss. Wait, doesn't he provoke? Provoke from who? Boral or something, because he's bloodied? No, I don't think so. No one else is bloodied with me. What happened earlier when Malchus said that?

Malchus said it. That's because I was making an attack against someone who wasn't adjacent to me when there's... someone standing right behind... Gotcha. I thought it was the blood thing. You were just making up rules. He's provoked because I'm obviously closer than him. Wait, Rob said that right. Just now. Yeah, that. But he's standing right next to him. Wrong dancing, yo. I can only make that attack. That's it, so... Now we all wait for the response. Good God. He's close enough to type, but not close enough to talk. He said he had to unplug his microphone so he could hear us, but he keeps running back.

Okay, I'll just do it while I'm on speaker here. What are we asking? Nothing. Nothing. I tried to make up a rule. I said that because he's bloodied, that means Thor'll have to attack him now. Okay. Attacks of opportunity come when a ranged or area attack is made, and there's someone who could swing next to the caster. I knew that from Eurofix. Yeah, I was corrected. Okay. And then we made fun of you for a second. I apologize. Alright, let me get back to my coffee. Alright then. Okay. He's making an open fire, I guess? Obviously he was. Well, he has to go pick the beans first before we...

Oh, okay. Good, good. That's good. And tamp it down and... Uh, Justin, your turn. Yeah! Okay, slip my dick in his mouth. What's that called? Uh, glory hole. I don't know. Uh, can I do anything with these, you know, these vines I've been carrying around? No. Maybe they have nutritional value? Why the fuck did I pick them up then? Why'd you let me get them? Why did you tell me to get them? Alright, since we are flanking, I'm going to use the... Oh, why did I put up Jesus' song? Just then, we'll die. Uh, boom. I'm going to attack with green flame. Burn! 25. Oh, that hits.

Good. Aloha Justin immediately decides he's going to be an alchemist, starts picking vines, and then assumes he can make something with those vines. So what about these vines? This one ingredient that I've mixed with nothing. I have a big vine and a small vine, Jace. He ties them together and throws it at him. Uh, okay, are you done? Duncan, your turn. You sound very amused, Jason. It's so tedious. You got that 10 damage though, right? Yeah, I got it. It's done. Hey guys, I'm drawing a dick on something. Hey, I'm an alchemist now. What's this vine doing? Hey, is this vine somehow tied to the quest that I made it sing about?

What? That's not the center of the story for some reason? Okay, I'm going to draw a dick on the ground. I haven't done that for a while. Alright, so it sounds like in my absence, somebody else did something more ridiculous than I had done. Oh, God. It's just the tedious adjusting being wacky for three hours straight, and it's like I've had my fucking limit of wacky now. It's just sit down and just play. Like, can I just ask you for your turn and you go, "Okay, I'm going to slide a dick in his mouth." "I'm a wacky character. Just play the game." Duncan, your turn.

Okay, no, I just, well, I tried to slide my dick in his mouth just then. I'm sorry, I like coffee, Jason. Your coffee is the least of my problems right now, Rob. It's for you, Jason. It was worth it. Oh, God damn it. Oh, man. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. So pissed off. He's just like, "I'm sick of this shit. I worked so hard on this." Like, I'm trying to set up this story and it's like, like he's just moving his character around. It's like, "Now I'm outside. Now I'm inside. I'm a-knocking on the door. Hey, it's me." It's just constantly, constantly, like, it's like trying to tell a story to six rambunctious kindergartners and they're just like throwing Tonka trucks at each other and fucking running up and down the fa- It's just, sit down.

Just please. Malchus, what are you doing? Oh, Duncan, your turn. Where did you go? What did you do? I rolled terribly and it's Malchus. I can't wait. Oh, your turn. I'm gonna shit my pants after this. [Laughter] Okay, I may need to run a short series of one-shots to relieve Jason for a few sessions. Clearly this is- Clearly this has gotten heavy. [Laughter] Okay. I'm just gonna- Do I get flanking? No, you don't. No, you don't. You're standing up to the side. D10+8, 23. That'll hit. Good, D10+8. Hang on, I think I have an encounter power. I just gotta find it real quick.

Okay, um. There was an encounter power somewhere. Yes. I'm gonna do a D10- The D10+8 for the damage. Uh. Then I add an extra D10 with Blood Drinker. Okay. And I gain a healing surge no matter what. So, yeah. Uh, 14 damage. God damn, those are awful rolls. [Laughter] Okay, uh, let's see here. 14 damage. So, I'll be- I'll be right back. Okay. Uh, he's already full health, so the surge doesn't mean anything. That does get turned, by the way. Yeah, okay. Uh, Malkus! Glorious Charge for the final hit. Coming back in. [Laughter] Nally's sufficiently weakened. I'm going to run in.

For glory! Alright, um. What the- Hey, let's make that a charge. That'll give me a +1 to the attack roll. Yeah, whatever, yeah. I take it the snot on the ground is not an actual problem? Uh, no, no, no. Okay. Um. I'm not flanking, but I do have the charge, so I'm at +10. Uh, oh, not- Different attack. Uh, +12. Yeah, Jason, that would've been a real dick move if after doing the nature check and not telling us anything, now you would've been like, "Oh, and by the way, you're stuck in there." No, no, no, no. More of a red herring than anything. Ew. Uh, yeah, 30 will definitely hit.

Okay. Uh, then let's get that damage going. Except... the tabletop is lagging for me. Yeah, it's lagging for everyone tonight. I don't know what's going on. Okay. That damage. Oh. Uh, that'll kill it. 21! 21, that will do it. I was about to say, that needs to be a damn good hit to finish it off, but that did it, so. Okay, uh, you guys wanna take a short rest? Uh, yeah, we should. That's probably- We all need to heal, so. Um, Malchus will burn two surges. Uh, you get a bonus too while, uh- Oh, yeah. Uh, Dan's Charisma, isn't it? I believe so, +4. Song of Rest, let me see here.

Artic Virtue... Song of Rest, uh, yeah, +4. Alrighty. You hooked me up. Uh, will do. Surges, that's 2, +4. I'm gonna refill that coffee before we get Momentum. Uh-huh. Uh, Justin, you two? Yeah, uh, two, I guess. Okay. Now, I'm assuming these bodies down here are the guys that we can loot. Uh, yes, that's a good assumption. That's some bodies you can loot. We should loot them. Uh, we might as well, yeah, this is not a big deal. Uh, you only find a few coins on them, and these don't look like guys who... necessarily came in here charging. Like, these don't look exactly like the burly guys that would have been employed by the Black Hand.

So, these may be people who lived in the area, these may be people who were just exploring. But these don't look like the guys that were working for your present employer. So, just some coins, nothing fancy? Just a few coins, just like nothing, nothing much. It's probably about ten gold altogether. So, definitely not worth that fight. No. Should we check the rock bodies? Is there anything in there? So, got some tentacles, you want some tentacles? Justin, you want some tentacles? No, I'm fine. Bring them with us, we're gonna make a movie later. No. Oh. The Japanese will love it.

Yeah. Duncan, I hear dwarves are in over there. [Laughter] Well, where are we headed? I can't really tell where the path goes here. That's it, this is pretty much just a... Just, this is pretty much the end of this path. Oh, so we went the wrong way. Well, no, we found the... Oh, let's search the bodies that were killed. We did. Nothing. Well, then clearly there's something else to kill before we're done. [Laughter] Let's murder our way to prosperity. Yeah, let's go the other path. Thanks, Malkus. Good job. Look, I thought this was... Alright, you know what? We've got a lot of surges left, there's plenty of cave.

Thoril Ironhide, I guess, coming. So, did Tyler say he was back? Yeah, he's back. Yeah, I'm back, come back. Oh, okay, cool. So, heading back the way you came... It split again. Yeah, well... You notice a ratty looking bridge. Now, there's natural light coming in from where the ceiling in the cave opens up. So there's this nice big stream of sunlight that hits pretty much from the half of the bridge onward. And catching the light you can see some very valuable looking crystals across the bridge. Looking on the other side of the room you can see where there's another path that kind of branches off.

So it is up to you what you guys would like to do. So it's a very ratty looking bridge. There are sections of it that look pretty shabby. Okay. What is the space like around the bridge? Like are there... So, basically the bridge is set up over a chasm. It's pretty dark, you kind of hold your torches over the side and it doesn't look like there's anything to catch or fall except for jagged rocks. It's a pretty deep drop. The space around it is empty except for the rope supporting the bridge itself. So there's the... think Indiana Jones. Something like that.

So it's just pretty much a standard rope bridge that, you know, rope supporting the whole thing. And it looks like it hasn't been maintenance in a long time. So it's, you know... Now you said there was light coming in. Is it sunlight? Is it day outside? Day time now? No, I'm sorry. Not sunlight. That was for another time. But no, there is an opening at the top of the cave that it's moonlight right now. Okay. So is... Go ahead. Okay. From where we are, like at the bridge to those crystals on the other side, is there a wall that extends all the way over somewhere?

There's no wall in between the bridge and the expanse of land where you are. Oh, no, no, no. Not like bisecting like parallel to. Is... Go ahead. Not really reachable from the bridge. Okay, well, no. Maybe I should... Let me give you context. I have a power called spider scuttle. It lets me crawl along walls like a spider in probably the creepiest, you know, fashion you can imagine. So I was thinking if there was a wall that I could just traverse, I could spider scuttle over, wait five minutes to get my encounter power back after I search that stuff, and then spider scuttle my way back.

Okay, look where... Okay, I see what you're saying now. Let me use my finger. You see where the land kind of tapers off here? Picture everything in between this is just kind of a cavernous expanse, like almost like an island. Okay. So that's kind of how this is set up. Gotcha. Um, how long is our rope in our adventurer's kit? Oh, God, let me look that up. It should be in your character info somewhere, details. Let's see. What statistic is he looking for? He's looking for what size is the rope in your adventure kit. Oh, I think they come in 50-foot increments typically.

Okay, so how far across is that? Five-foot squares. Yeah, five-foot squares. So about 50 feet. About, well, let me see, one, two, three, four, five... Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Okay, so it's over 50 feet. Yeah. You can kind of gather? Yes, that's what I'm thinking. Who's the light? Would I be the lightest since I'm the dwarf? Check out the weight. Uh, yes, you would be, because the other options are, uh, Thoril, who would be bigger than you, Malchus, whom... Towers over me, right? 225. Yeah, so I want to say you're... I don't have a weight.

That's not listed, so... You guys, I almost weigh as much as my adventurer, and that blows my mind. I'm getting close. Yeah. Mine says, mine just says "medium," so... You were shy and didn't give a weight. Uh, clearly the robot would be not the guy to send. Okay. Okay, so guys, here's what I'm thinking. What if we take, just to be safe, uh, three of the ropes, kind of tie them together? Tie me to one end, and the other three of you stay back and hold on in case this bridge falls. And I'll go across. How? I'll walk across. I thought the bridge was, like, destroyed at that point.

It's not destroyed, it's just kind of rickety looking. It definitely wouldn't support more than one person at a time, and it, you know, it's gonna be... Even sending someone light over, it's gonna be... you gotta watch your step. It's gotta be very close. Like, very close steps, very... I've got pretty high acrobatics, athletics, stuff like that. So, maybe, maybe tie... What is your size, Thor? Um... Keep going under detail. 6'3", 210. Okay. He's medium. Medium, yeah. So, I'm medium too, so your athletics are gonna be way better than mine. Um... Any thoughts, anybody?

Who do you think would be better sent over? I'm pretty sure the dwarf will do a little less in this situation. Yeah, yeah, the dwarf is alright. The only thing I'm thinking is that since his athletics are more, he could probably run faster, but I don't know. Well, running is not what you want to do. Okay. So, are you guys cool with that? Are you guys... Yeah. Do you guys think you can support me? Hold me? What does it take to, uh, like, if he drops? If he were to drop, it would be a strength check. There's no strength check. There's endurance. Oh, no, he's saying it would be like a, so like strength without a skill modifier.

Right. Now, would it up our chances since there's three of them, or does it matter? Well, yeah, you can work together. It's, uh, and that, let me see, when you're, basically it would be one person, but the, anyone helping out would be a plus two for each person, I believe. Okay. I believe, you have to ask Rob. Rob? Say again, I'm sorry. Uh, it would be a check for one person, but for every person helping out, they would contribute a plus two. Uh, for every person, so one person is the primary checker. Yeah. And then every person who helps, if they roll at least a ten on their roll to help, then they contribute that plus two.

Okay. So there's no, like, real con, like, like if there's a big muscley dude, there's no way that you can actually tell there's a strength modifier for him? Uh, his strength modifier will be the, so, uh, if you go to the details tab, just, it's, it's, like, Malchus' strength score is eleven, so his modifier is zero, plus half his level. Yeah. Because half your level's added since it's a check. Hmm. So I'm at plus two. So, like, what is your strength modifier as his? Two. Okay, so your level is four, half of that, uh, makes your total come to four. So we would want Jarek holding the rope with you guys checking, right?

Yeah. Well, he's gonna check two. Supporting, right, but the, yeah. Right. I, I, I'm willing to risk it, guys. Alright. Okay. It's, it's done you well in the past. Yeah. The one time you've done it, it's, it worked out. Yeah, I'm willing to do it if you guys. I help. Well, I mean, nothing's happened yet, so. Well, yeah, I wanted to get my roll down there. Okay. How many times do I, how many times do we have to check? Well, first you gotta start crossing the bridge. Okay. So we'll just move, uh, we'll just move space for space. Okay. So you've lashed the ropes together.

Yes. Right? Yes. Okay. Okay, here we go. And you start gingerly making your way across the bridge. Yeah. Hey, you stay back, Ironhead. I got this. And you are making your way very gingerly through. Now, when you get to the first, uh, tattered looking piece there. Yes. I want you to make an athletics check of 10. Okay. So now. So if you, so go ahead, whatever your athletics is, that's your modifier, then roll a D20. Where's my athletics? That would be under details, I believe. I'm under details, I don't see it. See strength, conditioning, dexterity, wisdom, charisma.

Skills. Sorry, it's under skills. Okay. So my athletics is plus two. Okay. So plus two, uh, uh, and a 20. D20 plus two. Okay. It was a 10. Okay. So go ahead and move forward a little, but you can, you can hear, you can hear the boards crack underneath of you. You can, you can feel them shifting. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead and make another check. Nine. Uh, the board splits underneath of you. Okay. And you start to fall through. Uh, the rope goes taut behind you and now they need to make a strength check. Okay. So, well, okay. So Malchus helps. He already rolled his. Yes, he already helps.

So, so Thorold needs to see if he'll help. Yes. All right. Uh, what should I, my strength, strength, strength, zero. So just a D20. Then half your level on top. Plus two. Yeah. Plus two. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Plus two. Plus two, 21. Okay. So that helps. So that that's plus four and then, uh, okay. Hold on a second. So now Justin's got to make his check and then add a plus four to it. So wait, he already gets a plus two Justin. Here he gets a plus four cause he gets plus two cause his modifier. Oh, he has more players too. And then plus two cause half his level. He's the muscle.

So he gets a plus eight total. So, okay. Let me just let you know what's at stake here. If you fail this strength check. Uh, there's nothing. There's nothing for, uh, Duncan to hold onto. The board's just kind of split underneath of him. So, and there's nothing to catch him. So if this, if this is missed, Duncan's going to plummet to his death. All right. Oh Jesus Christ. So no pressure. Uh, but go ahead. It's a plus eight. Oh God. Okay. I'm good. Uh, yeah, that is a good check. 26. Uh, so the road goes taunt and Jarek is just kind of just holding him there. Okay.

And I catch and, and, uh, I would imagine he begins to pull back. What? Unless you want to go, I mean, if you want to like claw your way up, but I mean just walking on them is pretty like you're going to have to pull yourself back up onto the tattered board. So you're saying we're done. Like we can't get the crystals now. It's up to you. You can push on, but if you fall again, another strength check is going to have to be made. Right. I understand that. Okay. So here we are. Uh, you've moved on to the next book. Okay. Make another, uh, athletics check. Okay. So it's plus two roll three.

Oh my God. You fall through the boards again. Yeah. So you've picked yourself up, you dust yourself up and walk to do and break back through. Just like the, this is like that Simpson thing when, uh, when a sideshow Bob keeps smacking into the rakes. Okay guys. Oh my God. So you fallen through again and the rope goes taunt. Uh, Malchus Thoril. You want to make your roles to help? Oh no. That's not good. Oh, that's not good. So what do we need in order to get this up? Justin, you need, well, okay, look, normally I, I'm, I, the check is 20. So, um, I thought the check was 10.

No, I wouldn't have gone forward. I know it was 20. I thought it was 10. Jesus. Okay. Um, so Justin, you need to roll at least it. Oh wait, let's rewind. I thought it was 10. Fuck man. I thought it was 10. Why would you think that? I don't know. I just thought it was 10. It's for you. I think it's 10. Yeah. Cause for me it was 10. So I thought it was 10. Um, that was, that was, okay. You're the difference is you're on top. You're just kind of like traipsing across this bridge and it gets more tattered as you go. So the check goes up incrementally. I didn't know that.

You're not supposed to know that. That's not the fun of it, is it? Okay. If I told you what the risks were all the time, you wouldn't take it. I'm about to die now. I'm about to die. That's called poor decision making. I can't end this game. No one stopped me. Justin, roll a D20 with a plus four modifier, please. Oh God. I'm dead. Oh. Goodbye. Should've made that dumb mistake. This is my only regret is that we didn't strip him before this. Wow. So what happens? I'm dead. I thought it, I thought it was the same and it wasn't the same and now I'm dead. Duncan just fell to his death.

And you guys hilarious. Well guys, let's go home. Wow. That's the first character. Can I use my lightning leash? I don't think the range is, well, firstly, like you're focusing on holding this, this, this rope. Let me look at lightning leash. I don't think so. I could run up there and use it. I think it's like a two block. You can't set foot on the, you, you would go straight through. Well I'm saying like up to that. Just the bridge itself. You can't set foot on, that's the entire point. Like you're RoboCop. Like you weigh a huge amount. 275. How much? 275. That's ridiculous.

You weigh more than that. A medium bill. That's, you're made of metal. I put something in profile. Yeah, I saw. Yeah, thanks Tyler. Thanks. Wow. So do we still have a rope so I can try? If you guys want to, we can just clean house right here and just, I'll go. Like lemmings. He just typed it after him. The rope just kind of, you watch, wow, this is, you watch Duncan sail through the bridge and all you hear is him screaming as the rope is pulled from Jerick's hand, whips down to the hole in which he fell through and then plummets through that hole. So we don't even get to keep the rope.

I'm glad you guys think it's funny that I'm done and then no one fucking was like, Hey, you know, maybe that's not such a good idea. We're not the one that said, ah, Tyler's rope around me, but I'm going to go right out there. I'm trying to sit here and fucking help and get shit. No, no, no, no, no. We could have just went through this obvious, obvious path. You didn't see a thing. I said, should I go? And everyone's like, sure. No one said the only way the boy will learn if, if the maybe you should step up and say, no, we don't need it. Everyone's just like, sure, let's do it.

And then I died. I was like, Oh, it's so funny. I'm fucking dead. I can't play anymore. I'm done. Well, that doesn't mean you can't. You have no healer and it's over. Well, he curses you. He curses you. It's real money. Let's toast YouTube videos. That doesn't mean that, that doesn't mean you can't play anymore. This is the most pissed off I think I've ever heard. I'm fucking dead. I'm fucking dead and you think it's great. You think it's hilarious. You're laughing it up. Fucking allowed for being dead. I'm fucking dead. I'm fucking dead. Right next to the spirit. I have a skill I could possibly use.

Fucking Thorold's too busy trying to find the perfect YouTube video to post after. I was the one that was actually trying to fish your guts out of there. I said, thank you. I said, at least you tried to do something. Hey, I helped. How'd you help? Well, I didn't encourage you to keep going forward. He wrote that great modifier for you not to tell him. Well, the first time he did. I offered to go and then he goes, oh no, I'm not the only one around me and go. I told Emily, I got high acrobatics. I got high all this. Everyone said no. Everyone said no to the support.

Well, that's everyone else. Tell it to them. Well, no one else posted a goddamn YouTube video, Tyler. I'm celebrating your life and mourning the loss at the same time. Jesus Christ. At the same time. Does anybody have any like super jump or anything? Super jump. Now we check to see if anyone has that. Yeah. I brought up the spider climb thing, but apparently the walls weren't close enough to the chasm, so the spider climb thing didn't work. I swear to God. I thought it was just going to be another 10. I had no, if I would have had any clue, it was going to get tougher as I went on.

You hear Duncan's body reverberate against the chasm below and fall into a shallow puddle. Oh my gosh, it took that long? It took a long time, yeah. Oh. See, I was going to ask if they could lower me on a rope to at least like see if we could bring up his body and give him a proper burial, but if it took that long for him to hit bottom, you just heard a rope. I just heard a shallow splash. I got a fucking question. Why is it that I had to be all the way back here in order to tie a rope around him? Why couldn't I be up there with him? Because it... What about the rickety bridge do you not get?

Rickety bridge, it looks pretty fine where I'm at. The thing I'm kicking myself about is we didn't think to fasten the rope to something on this end. Like there's mushrooms. Sturdy mushrooms. Is that a stalactite or is that mushrooms? That's mushrooms right there. Oh, mushrooms, okay. But you didn't check. You should have crossed the bridge, harnessed the rope around those stalactites right there, and then came all the way back and then tried it. But now we have somebody dead who finally hit the ground like two minutes after we started talking. So... Duncan is scolding you on the way down.

Yes, Duncan is scolding you on the way down. Why are we tying around ourselves? Well then you would have sailed over. More people dead. Yeah, I would have stopped at like 300 pounds. I weigh as much as a Seamus does. This... I hate to... You guys have a decision to make. I don't know that a party of three is suitable for pushing on against the dangers. Four I was willing to try, but... Can you take my picture off the goddamn screen please? Well, I took you off the map. It's not a part of this map anymore. It's a part of like five maps down. I say we try it again.

Thank you. I say we try it again. I'm the strongest member here, so I'll hold the rope. Why not the vampire rope? That worked out really well. He's got great acrobatics. He has the acrobatics of what? Seven? Alright, is our argument here Duncan would have wanted us to get the gems? Because I don't think that flies. You know what? I want you guys to get the gems. Here, I'm Duncan's ghost. Hey everybody, get those fucking gems. All three of you walk at the same time across this goddamn bridge and get the gems. Too heavy to see. It's a disability voice. The rope that you would have...

The rope's gone. I'm just going to remind you. You still have a rope. That's what you picked. Well, you tied two ropes together. Yeah, and those vines look pretty long. The ones that you easily tore off the wall? You want to use those? Yeah. So you would have had three ropes, so we have one more. Here's what I want you to do. Here's what Duncan would want. Duncan wants you to go back to town and find that fucking cleric and resurrect me. I don't care what it's... It's a body. Even if you wanted to use black magic and press, there's no body. Doesn't matter. He's a priest, it's not black magic.

Go find somebody who... you talk to the black hand. Talk to the alchemist. Give him somebody. The black hand whom you've failed so far. You want a favor from this guy now. I have enough for a idea if you want to listen to it. The only good thing that would have come out of this is he can't break your legs now. Because they're already broken. Along with everything else. Yes. Well, I'm just gonna go guys. I'll see you guys later. Oh, come on. What am I gonna do? I can't even make decisions. I can't talk. I'm not here. Well, we're not playing hardcore. You're still around.

I'm not. I'm dead. I fell on a bridge and everyone thought it was real funny. I think what Jason is saying is that if you'd like to roll it in character, it's nice. Come on. Right now? Not this minute. We gotta work on TWRC soon. But we'll talk about it while we're doing that. Yeah, whatever. Roll level 4 Dwarven Bard named Duncan Joybottom. The second. You'd be that select type that would totally gorge you. [laughter] No way! You know what? What a great fucking roleplay this is. Not one person was like, "Shit. He's dead, guys." Nothing. No, because we're getting an earful of it. [laughter] The first thing that happened were fucking... ...jokes.

Nothing. The second you plowed through the bridge, you started screaming at everyone. You went through the first time, "Wow, guys, that was close." And then your stubby little ass grabbed ahold of the farthest platform. Ehh. Got yourself on top of that and made another foot. Yeah. Made another foot and fell through. You know, okay, first off, like I said, no idea it was gonna be more... ...like, for some reason the second one's more difficult than the first one. Even though it's the same bridge and there's still something next to me. I had no idea the second one was gonna be more difficult.

Well, you fell through, which means you've weakened an already weakened structure. And you're weak from pulling yourself up. I didn't pull myself up. You guys pulled me up. Yeah, well, how could we pull you up but you still go farther? Yeah, that means you pulled... at a certain point you used your body weight to pull yourself up. My check wasn't higher. Theirs was. That's what I don't understand. No, no, your check was higher. You went to your 20 for the first one. Yeah. That was... the check for them was always 20, but both, like, Thoril and Malkus failed to help.

I thought... I thought... because when I said... you said the check was harder the second time. Oh, no, for you moving to... on the bridge. That rare check was... like, the first time it was 10 and the second time it was 20. I'm like, that makes no fucking sense. No, no, no, no, no. You on the bridge to not fall through. That was the check. Even if they passed their checks, we would have only had 18. That's fine. I know. It's just like I said, I didn't realize it was going to get harder. He's upset. I'm upset. I'm upset that I don't have anybody, like, backing me up.

I would have been sad if one of you guys died. I would have been like... Well, they're not happy that you died. Tyler sure sounds fucking happy that I... I'm not happy. I'm just laughing my ass off at how irritated you are. It's an awkward... it's an awkward situation he's laughing at that. Yeah, it's awkward. I'm not laughing at your death. I'm just like... You've been playing with that character for almost a year. Yeah. And it's... I get it. But we had to know... You know what? I would like there to be some kind of roleplay sadness involved. And there isn't. There's none.

Well, they haven't spoken as their characters yet. They could be very sad. We don't know yet. Yeah, they did. Ironhide was like, "Let's get him. Let's get the crystals. Let's keep doing it." I'm looking at what the mission was. We don't want your death to be in vain. The mission killed our friends, so I was like, "No, we have to complete this mission for it to mean something." For the troops? The flag troops? Again, I hate to pressure you guys, but what... I mean... You're two men down. Let the vampire go. He could easily get tens. All he has to do is get threes.

He has already a seven on acrobatics and flip-flops. May I remind you that the ridge now has been weakened twice. But that's only because... Alright, a man has died here, people. And I, like... Seriously, as much as that phrase is well-trod, that is the state that our party is in. Oh, a dwarf. A dwarf has died. He's not a dwarf. But you were male, weren't you? Dwarf. I never got to see... I never got to... There was this whole subplot with my father, never explored it. Well, write you a letter. Write him a letter. He can be a member of our group! Well, we do find out that we have a... that you have a long-lost brother.

No, I don't. How about you bring your dad into the mix? I think what happened is that we kind of got a little too greedy and we lost sight of our own mortality. And unfortunately, Duncan has just been the casualty of that. I like how he screamed a betrayal on his two-minute stand. Because, okay, I guess my thing is that I have been playing my character as very impulsive. And he's been talked out of things in the past. My character would have gone on. He would have. Based on his past, he would have. It was a very rock and roll lifestyle. He was! Am I right? I mean, come on, with the way I've been playing my character, that is something he would have done.

But people have talked him out of the past. No one spoke up. And it kind of was like, I was hoping someone was going to speak up at that point. Blame the priest that's usually with us. Well, I'm playing as my character and my character wouldn't have said anything because he's a brooding vampire. That man lives in caves. I guess Malkus is the one I should be... Yeah, I mean, I'm wishing I would have said something, but then I was like, well, he seems committed. You should take that guilt and put it deep inside your heart so you second guess everything you do.

I mean, everyone in the party was actively trying to save you. I understand, I understand. This is just a defense. I was trying to roleplay as much as Pop. And I was roleplaying my character. Like I said, Duncan's always been very impulsive. He would have pressed forward. If you live a very rock and roll lifestyle, odds are the die is going to land on a one. If every single role is a life or death situation... You have literally risked your character's life many times. What's that? You have literally risked your character's life many times. Yes, I have. But I've also been talked out of stuff before.

I know, I'm just saying, Law of Averages says eventually. You know, I mean, there's been many times where it's like, would you, I mean, you want to go for the treasure? What's behind the door? And you have, I mean, like, I mean, you know? I don't know. Like I said, I was hoping someone was going to be like, don't do that. This is the part where we play a montage with... The last like six years you've been rolling the die. This time you died with the ball going... Leave the memories alone. I guess, I guess, you know what? I mean, it does, it does bring up, you know, yeah, so Thorol is a...

I don't think that's actually the way Tyler was thinking, but I do agree that Thorol at this point wouldn't have said anything. And I mean, Ironhide doesn't give a shit. Ironhide ate his own kids. Yeah, Ironhide ate his own children. Ironhide doesn't know what death is. Treyas would have spoke up. And I think Malchus, Malchus kind of... I think Malchus, I think you should live in shame for a while, Malchus. [Laughter] It's a bummer. I mean, Malchus is like, you know, what have we become that we pushed this hard? As I fall... Fine, okay, here, fine. As I fall to my death, okay, let's go back.

That was way... As I fall to my death, I look up and I look in Malchus's eyes. [Laughter] Hey, I yell, "You were supposed to protect me! What happened?" And then I fall and then I... While he's flipping the double finger. No, no, no, no, no. Wait, are you an idiot, Shiloh? I'm just shaking my fist at Malchus. You don't get to retcon. What? Alright, well Malchus is going to develop severe alcoholism now. [Laughter] Basically, Malchus is going to drink himself into his stupor, because now he's extremely guilty. Okay. That's why... That's all I wanted. Yeah, I want someone to feel...

He's seen, like, Malchus witnesses scene of a man who knew exactly what he was going to do on his deathbed. Shaking his fist at Malchus and cursing like, "You were the one that was supposed to talk me out of stupid situations!" Right before he gets gored. Because I always trusted Malchus and Tracius to... Thorold decides that this is... he's going to go home and put another black streak in his hair for Duncan. You know what I want to see? Jesus Christ! I want to see what happens there. Let's do that. No, we have to push on. We can't go back to that gnome empty-handed because, I don't know, Tiefling has some bullshit with him.

Like, they just want to stare at each other or something. We weren't given a time constraint on the mission. I think we're basically going to put all of us in graves if we don't go and get more men. See, that's the funny thing. It's like, he's sitting there telling us, and it's just like two of the characters just... Their personalities would not allow them to give a fuck anyway. I mean, you guys have lost people before, and no one gave a fuck. Shane's head was cut off and kicked into lava. Yeah, but that was Shane. Come on. He was around for 30 seconds. I was here the entire time.

I thought we had a connection. I'm sorry. I thought we had a connection. Is our headquarters actually a bar, or is it just a headquarters? It's... I mean, there's a portion of it converted, and there's a portion of it with a bar. I mean, yeah, but I mean, it's living quarters too, multiple floors. I was going to say, if we cannot get the money or get the body to resurrect Duncan, I think at the very least it is fitting that we christen the operation in his name. Oh. Operation Bloody Dwarf. I was thinking of something slightly more mature. Okay, sorry. The name's negotiable, but...

The name's going to be a long one. It's going to be, "Oh, such a young dwarf. Life fully ahead of him." Gore! Gore! I'm not kidding. It's just a bloody dwarf dancing right now in front of his computer with his hands just crossed, just thinking, "I hate you guys so much." Here's what you guys don't know. I'm taking over as DM, and here's what happened. A majestic eagle came down and swooped underneath Duncan, and Duncan grasped on with his last breath, and he's holding him, and he's swinging by you guys, giving you all the fingers as he goes back to Wickerhaven, where he's a fucking knight.

That's what happened, okay? That sounded like an alcoholic stupor that met... I'm going to live my life as a rockstar knight in Wickerhaven while you guys... I don't do shit no more. Yeah, I'm out. I didn't die. Yeah, man, it's a shame you could have lived like royalty in Wickerhaven. Legends never... I said go back to Wickerhaven like 15 times! What happened at Wickerhaven again? That was months ago. We were knights. Some of you were. Except for me. Okay, at the very least, Malchus can't go on adventuring today, so Malchus is going to head back to town and collect himself.

I say we go on. I think you've all had a tremendous trauma, and I think that maybe you guys need to go back and cry maybe if you need to do that, or at least get some sleep. I think Jerak's like, Jerak's gonna press on by himself. I'm not dying tonight. Justin, would you like to press on by yourself? Because we could do that. No, we don't need to stack the bodies up that high. Like courts of firewood. This is the worst game ever. This is clearly... this is a dark time right now. Oh, it sure sounds dark, yeah? My temporary insanity freakout earlier combined with the death of Duncan Joybatam.

This is clearly the darkest little episode of this show. It sure sounds like it with all the games going on. Alright, I think a number of people are sleepy and punchy and making poor decisions. That's rats. I don't think it's sound to go forward at this state. Both as a game and both as just a current adventure in character. So you scatter from the cave and run back home. Which is probably a really good idea. I don't want to stack the bodies. God damn it, Justin. I should just let Tyler die. I saved him once. How would you let him die? I'm sorry, I just... Justin, I don't want to stack the bodies too high.

Like, what the fuck? He screamed at us for not helping us. I was like, "I hope your mother gets raped." Two minutes on the way down he screamed at us. Yeah, like he knew what he wanted to say. Like, "You sons of bitches!" "You all fail me." "You're a tremendous failure, so I curse you off in the grave." I pissed in your boos. Oh, another YouTube video? Oh, Dan, stick around. I want to talk to you. Yeah, whatever. Do I have to stay up to class? Is that it? Am I in trouble? No. No, no, no. Oh, Jesus, guys. I love what you're talking about. This is probably the greatest episode I've ever had.

Thank you for all sitting down. Fuck yourself. You tried, man. Tried to fuck yourself? I didn't see that. When did that happen? Oh my god. Well, this is an audio call. You wouldn't... Rob, thank you for sitting down with us. Sure. I'm sorry, Rob. I'm sorry. This is how I act when I get pissed off. I'm not pissed off at anybody in particular. I'm just pissed off. I think we weren't thinking in character when we commissioned you to go after those gems. I think we were all kind of in a lighthearted, giggly, punchy mood. And we didn't think about the gravity of the situation.

And for that, I apologize. No, you know, it's okay. I think I'm not very good at promoting that because my character has always been very punchy and lighthearted. So it's hard, you know... I have to ride that line. So it's hard to kind of promote more of a... I don't know. I don't know. I mean, shit. I know Tyler wasn't actually in character thinking, but he's right. His character wouldn't have fucking cared. And like I said, Ironhide ate his kids. That's what makes Justin perfect for Ironhide. It would all work. I was kind of upset that nobody was like, "Can we resurrect him?" Well, no.

We asked that and we can't get the body. That's the thing. No, I had to ask that. That made me feel bad. In the two minutes you fell, it would be like a watermelon at a Gallagher concert. There's nothing that could be retrieved. I don't know what you're talking about. I got saved by a majestic eagle and taken off to Winterhaven where I'm living out my life as a rock star knight while you pussies are slumming it. If that's what you want to hallucinate on your way down that cliff, go ahead. But none of that happened. That's what happened. You're going to find out.

You're going to find out. You're going to feel dumb. Well, thank you very much, guys, for sitting down. Tyler, enjoy your night at work. Everyone else, get some rest. Except for Dan. You and me are going to chit-chat. I'll see you guys next time. Thank you very much.