The Women Who Stare at Goats

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So go check out Bad Dragon today and get that warm and snuggly feeling. Bad Dragon. Making fantasies. Real. Let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master. Going around the table, start with Kira. Oh, that's me and not Karen. Hi, this is Kira. I play a dwarf cleric named Zoya Rook. And Lisa. Hey, I'm Lisa and I play LRF Beestinger, the Halfling Barbarian. And Valerie. Hi, I'm Valerie and I play Sore Greywing, the Halfling Ranger. And Karen. Hi, I'm Karen. I play Arena Stonebreaker, a mole paladin. Oh, guys.

It's nice to sit down with you again. It's always lovely. (LAUGHTER) I know how much you enjoy it. We're wonderful. Seriously, lots of pre-show stuff we had to cut. (LAUGHTER) I don't know what you're talking about. I had... Fucking monkey. (LAUGHTER) I would never. Last time on the show, you guys spent some time in the lovely little town of Fairbay and got to know a few folks. You also narrowly avoided a really nasty fight, maybe, potentially. I don't know how that would have went. Testicles were assaulted, feelings were hurt, and someone's throat almost got slit.

So you met Seraph and a few other drow, and they asked you to perform a little favor for them while in the town of Westerholt, which is just to check in on a group of people, let Seraph particularly know if they're still there or where they might be, and get word back to them. And that's pretty much what we're gonna pick up with today. So we are still in the fifth of Thorim, and we're entering into the afternoon/evening hours here. So, firstly, what would you guys like to do here? Would you guys like to find a quiet spot and talk about this? Do you want to get some sleep for the night?

Do you... What is the plan? I think we should find a quiet spot and have a little chat about our drow situation. Yeah. Yeah, I thought we were heading back to the inn. - Okay. - Yeah, I was gonna say maybe one of our rooms. - Probably, uh... - Something private-ish. Okay. So a few minutes are gonna pass, and you guys are going to make your way back to the little B&B here and settle into your rooms. I'm not sure who's bunking with who, but it's not a terribly important issue. But this place would be a nice quiet spot, kind of a smaller room, and you have the room to yourselves, so no one's gonna be eavesdropping, and I will leave things to you.

So, Zoe is going to look at the rest of the party and say, "Do you really want to get involved with them, with spying on them?" I mean, he wasn't lying. They are child killers, but... Oh, we're not getting involved with those people. - No. - Okay. Jason, is our armor done, getting cleaned? It's something that takes a few hours. I'd say the better part of the day, yeah. I mean, it's one of those things... - See, there's a lot of... - I'm so uncomfortable without it on. Like, I... Irena just wants to put her armor right back on after talking to those people. Just in case, yeah.

I mean, it's something that, if it's one set of armor, it takes the better part of, like, an hour and a half, two hours, something like that. There's lots of little bits of creature and things that kind of slip in between the little nooks and crannies, and you gotta poke all that or it starts to smell. All right. Especially when you have armor made out of tusks. Yes, it... Yeah. I don't know what that sound was supposed to be, but you're welcome. Sorry, I didn't mean to derail. No, no, no, no. It's a good question. I don't think anybody's ever asked that before.

I'd say by mid-evening, everyone's stuff would be done. OK, cool. And it was, what, early evening by the time we got done speaking with Seraph? I'd say by the time you get done eating and almost fist-fighting in the streets, I'd say it's getting on dusk, I'd say. So we're still in the room chatting? Yes. OK. Do you have a plan for where you're going next? Right now we're headed back to the Overwatch. Sora and I are in the White Ravens, and that's where we have been tasked to go back and report. OK. Well, if you would like, do you want to stop on our way out of town?

My friend's farm is on the way, and she would be able to give us a place to stay before we head out. You can try some of my honey. Is there cornbread? Yes, there would definitely be cornbread. Yeah. Is honey and cornbread a thing? I don't eat cornbread. I don't know this. Yeah. Oh, God. It is in some places. Do you have puppies with honey? Ooh. Yeah. Oh, no, out of character. You get some nice warm cornbread, put some butter down, spread some honey. But I'm from Kansas. That's how we do that here. Is it all right with you two? It would give me a chance to say goodbye to my friend before I get too far away.

Yeah, that's totally fine. I want to get out of here as soon as possible. So we are... We're not going to help that dude then. I don't want to. That's... You can make your own decisions, but... He seemed pretty sketchy. He definitely has things in mind for those people beyond what he was telling us. More than just info? More than just info. I have a feeling that he just wants them dead. And I second that. You want them dead? No, no, no. I second the feeling that he wants them dead. I've been around people who are similar to that, and nothing ever good comes out of just checking up on someone.

Yeah, even if those people are pretty terrible. I mean, again, they're child killers. If you want to get involved, I will help, but I would advise against it. I don't want to. I just wanted to see what you guys wanted to do, because we're all kind of a group. I like you guys and stuff. We're white ravens. We're not spies. We should go back to Overwatch, see what they want us to do next. Mm-hmm. Sounds like a good plan. And it sounds good to me. In between you and Esterholt, you're looking at a couple of days travel. The good news is that it's not particularly dangerous.

There are dangers, I'm not going to lie to you. But it's traditionally not a perilous journey. In fact, there's lots of merchants that go back and forth between Esterholt and Fairbay, and maybe eventually Lockford now. They might start to peddle waiters in Lockford again. So, yeah, a long trek, but not particularly dangerous. Kira, you said you went to visit someone? Yeah, I thought we would stop by the farm, visit Erengard before we head out. Do we need to tell him that we're not going to help him? Instead of just being like, "Let us think about it, lol, nope," and then getting it out of there.

I think it might be easier if we just left. Yeah, I was going to say, do you really feel obligated to tell him? Oh, no, I just wanted to make sure. Like, I wanted to check with you guys. Just stuff and things before we moved on to the next scene. Sorry. No, no, no, I'd rather... Words are hard. No. I'm just worried if he wants those other people dead, I don't know if it would be best to get on his bad side, but I also think if we go to him and say no, we could be getting on his bad side anyway. Maybe we could leave him a note. Just a nice note, declining his offer.

Leave it with the innkeeper. Well, there's plenty of drow running around. We could grab one of them and ask them to deliver it for us. Yeah, I would say sending a note. It's the polite thing to do. Spray some perfume on it. I'll just say that our business became more urgent. We are afraid we have to do fine. Okay. Very professional. Dear would-be assassin. Sorry. Sorry we do not want to join you on your crazy assassin game. I regret to inform... Best wishes in your future endeavors. Dear sir or madam. I do not believe our... I lost it. I killed it. Sorry. To whom it may concern.

Yes. Poor Seraph. Damn it. I was really hoping we'd get to hear him again. [LAUGHTER] Let's see here. So there were a few forms on the outskirts of Fairbank. So this would be... Are you guys taking off now or are you getting some sleep first? Sleep. Yeah, I think I was gonna... [MUMBLING] How late is it? Mm. It's dusk. We've been traveling all day. I feel like we'd probably just maybe get a really early start. Yeah. Seems like a good plan. I thought we were gonna go there, say hi and spend the night there. We can do that too. I'm okay with either one. Oh, we already have rooms here at the inn.

Yeah. Okay, we do. I wasn't sure. I thought so, but I didn't know for sure. So we're staying at the inn then. Okay. We're staying at the inn and then stopping by for... We'll stop by for tea. There we go. Put some honey in the tea too. Yes! [LAUGHTER] I felt like you were waiting for me to say it. I was, I was like... Fucking honey! [LAUGHTER] God damn! That reminds me of that banned Skittles commercial. [LAUGHTER] I have no idea what... What? I was like, "Oh, give me your sweetness." Remember? Nope, I do not know this. Y'all are old. Yep. Wow. I am f*ckin' old. Sorry, sorry.

How rude. Rude as. Okay, how rude? [LAUGHTER] So, is everyone going to bed? Yeah, I was gonna say, plus we haven't really had a chance to sleep in a bed bed in a while. Like, we've slept like in our bed rolls or in an attic or somewhere, so I feel like in a bed would be lovely. Well, I think if we've settled the plan that we're going to just head out early tomorrow, Zoya would go find some place to pray to Evandra and then go to bed. EllaRath would probably pass the f*ck out. She's like, "All right." I would imagine that that's gonna be a really restful night's sleep, 'cause again, you guys have been on the road for a while.

Yeah. And you kinda had beds in Lockford, but I don't imagine anyone slept particularly well in Lockford. Nah. Yeah, I would imagine not. So, let's do this. You guys are going to wake up the next day and get your things together. This is now the sixth of Thorm. Very early morning. All of your armor has been cleaned and prepped and ready. And it's spic and span and dry, and it's nice. It's shiny again. It doesn't stink like gore. You're going to drop a note off to the drow. Yes. A very pleasant, but very formal note declining. Okay. And again, you had no personal attachment to them.

It was just something that they were offering. So, I'm sure they'll take it well. We regret to inform you. Sarah's going to get it and go with this is a single page. This is a rejection letter. I know it. Pretty much. It's going to be all sad. Oh my God. It's not in a package. It's just an envelope. Yep. It's a rejection letter. Oh my gosh. Story of my life. Anyway. I have to go with my backup spies. The backup spies? We regret to inform you that your business proposal has been declined. Like, while we find your business proposal very intriguing. Intriguing. We're afraid we cannot accept it at this time.

I'm afraid that we have other offers that we must have settled at this time. We will keep your offer on file for up to 90 days. For later consideration. After that point, you may reapply. Oh my God. Yes. So yes, we basically sent him a very politely worded rejection note. Yes. And you guys are going to get on the road here. Oh, can I do something before we leave? Sure. So I suppose while everyone's getting ready, Zoya wants to just go chat with the innkeeper briefly. Sure. Okay. So she's just going to go up to him and it's like, I know everyone in town's already worried about the drow.

And I don't know that they're all bad, but their leader is definitely not someone to get involved with. Try and stay away from him. That is not a problem. And if you can try and keep other people away as well, just to be on the safe side. Well, the drought pretty much keep to themselves for the most part. Okay. Well, I just wanted to make sure that you knew. We spoke with them last night, and I just don't have a good feeling about them. I appreciate the concern. Thank you. You're welcome. We're heading out, but take care. You too. Bye. And then she'll go join the others.

Okay. I would say this farm is about 35, maybe 45 minutes of a walk outside of town. It's just on the outskirts. This particular farm is located in a cluster of other ones. They're spaced out quite a bit, but a lot of livestock gets raised here. Crops would be kind of towards the south of Fair Bay. There's a lot of wheat and things like that. But this would be lots of livestock, sheep, a couple of pigs and goats, things like that in this general area. And after about 35 minutes, maybe 40 minutes of walking, I don't imagine you guys are racing. The sun's just kind of coming up.

You're getting your bearings. So I don't imagine time is crazy at the essence. But you still have horses, right? Oh, that's it. You did have two horses. That's true. I keep thinking with the addition of party members that we're not. Yeah, you guys are on horseback. I forgot about that. So, yeah, probably like 20 minutes then. Something in there. Unless you guys are riding really hard. Probably not. You know, I wouldn't imagine. Everyone do me a favor. Roll a perception check. Are you ready for this, guys? Karen, once again, we trade it off. Oh, that's what it was.

Good job, Karen. Thanks. So it kills me, though, that Sora and I got the same score, but I had to crit to get it. But that's just not your thing. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good again. Hit. Come at me, bro. Me and my lady. So you're going to come up on this farm, and it's this quaint site. I mean, just lots of sheep and things like that. You know, grazing. And it's very, very peaceful as you're riding up here. It's going to be mostly quiet, except for, like, barnyard animals, things like that. And then in the distance, Arena and Sora are going to hear bees. You're going to hear them.

It sounds like maybe they're behind the house, something like that. Maybe off to the side. But there would definitely be. Yes, there are goats. Group one thunder and pet goats. So it's super peaceful. It's night and day from what you guys have been used to on the road since you've gotten started. Like, this is a little slice of paradise compared to all that. So riding up here, it doesn't look like the farm has a crazy amount of staff. And the house adjacent to the farm is a little on the smaller side, but nothing huge. It's not a mansion. But it does look like a cozy little place to live.

So what would you guys like to do? I would let them know that this is the place. This is where my friend lives. So I am sure she'll be happy to see us. She'll probably give us breakfast. I mean, that sounds cool. Whatever. Can I have some? She really, really likes to cook. So she makes great breakfast. As you guys are riding up and kind of like getting off the horses, things like that, I would imagine that she would, that this human woman would leave that little house and start directly in towards Zoya and just have her arms outstretched, just kind of coming in for a hug.

And Zoya will actually just leap hug because of course she's very short. How much taller is she than Zoya? She would probably be at least a foot, foot and a half taller. Okay, that's a pretty good distance. She's probably, Zoya is probably a little below four feet and I would imagine that Ungard is probably, you know, 5'3", 5'4", something like that. Not very tall, but... Right, well compared to a dwarf. Yes, compared to a dwarf, she's quite tall. Zoya's got an amazing vertical leap. Do I need to roll an athletics check? She's like bugsy. You know what, there's no negative to this, but now I'm curious.

Okay, I will roll an athletics check and let's see how it goes. And I totally fall on her arms, like more level. Okay, well Zoya's not dunking in the near future, but still. And Ungard would just like wrap her up. It is so nice to see you, how have you been? Oh, I've been good. I met the people I was looking for. This is them, this is Elarath and Irina and Zora and they are the party that I went to go find. She's going to reach like, you know, right away, just very warm smile, very, very welcoming. And she's going to go ahead and go right down the line and greet each one of you.

Hi. Hello. Hello. They are white ravens, so I'm going to be going with them to help them. But I thought we would stop by and I wanted to at least say goodbye before I headed out. We thought maybe we could get breakfast. And she'll give her, of course, like a big old smile. Yes, breakfast. How does eggs sound? You know I love your eggs. Well, where are you heading out to, firstly? You said that the next mission was to the Overwatch, so it looks like we're going to be checking in there. I think we might stop in Esterholt, right? Elarath says, turning and she's going to look at Irina.

Yes. Well, Esterholt's on the way, so we should stop there first, pick up some supplies. And I believe that it's on to Overwatch. Wow. You all have a long trek in front of you. I'll start on breakfast and we can talk in the kitchen. Thank you so much. And so he's going to kind of herd them toward the house. Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast, breakfast. I would imagine there'd be some kind of meat accompanying this, probably maybe like slices of ham or bacon, something like that. Just... We get to roll for bacon! You didn't do that coming, did you? I did not, and I'm kind of mad at myself.

I am as happy as Elarath is right now. Elarath, do me a favor, roll a flat D20 and let's... What would be a good breakfast modifier? Well, you didn't tell me beforehand, so I didn't roll. I'm going to say there's bacon, but it's the really thick cuts of bacon. Ah, yes. Okay. Like Canadian bacon? No, no, no, that's ham. But is there a difference or is it like just ham? That's fucking ham. There's a different type of Canadian bacon, but it doesn't matter. Cured pork products, they're all the same. Yeah, I love Canadians. It's just that's ham. That's what we call ham.

But this is like the really thick cuts of bacon that don't quite cook evenly. So you get those raw bits. I like crispy bacon myself. That's just me. Yeah. She didn't cook it at the oven? No, this was fried in like a cast iron skillet type of thing. Is she going to do this? Is she supposed to cook bacon in an oven? Remember, she's supposed to be a really good cook. Oh, this is tasty. Don't get me wrong. This is my preference. Wait, wait, wait. Does she cook the bacon and then fry the eggs in the bacon grease? Oh, fuck yeah, in the grease? Hell yeah. I love her. I'm moving in.

Elorath abandons her mission to the Overwatch and she just lives in Faribay for the rest of her life. She just gets fat and happy forever. The end. And I don't want to spoil you guys, but there is fresh baked bread. Like, there is. There just is. Yes. So this is a fantastic way to start the day. Honey, of course. Oh, God. Well, there's bees on the premises. Of course there's fresh honey. It would be silly for there not to be. And one of those crazy honey spoons where it just kind of like... So now that we've thoroughly described the breakfast situation. Breakfast.

Sorry, I had to get rid of that modifier. It wouldn't go away. It does four damage to Elorath's stomach. That's how full. She's not used to real good food. Okay. I was going to say, when was the last time anyone had like a good breakfast? That's what I was asking. Like, when's the last time you guys sat and had a meal that wasn't full of stress and pressure or you're just eating rations or you're like, when's the last time that that's happened? Butting people in the groin. Yeah, probably Aubrey. Yeah. Aubrey was probably the last time. So it's been a while. So this is nice.

Is there anything you guys want to discuss while you're eating? Zoe will probably be hovering around helping her with food and getting things set up and all of that. Trying not to be too underfoot, but helping out. I was going to say, you're not going to be that annoying waiter. How's your food? How's your food? Is that all right? No. Let me go get the manager. Helping her out in the kitchen, making sure that everything is taken care of. In between full mouthfuls, just like shoveling it in. She doesn't have many table manners, but Ella Roth would probably be like, this is really good.

Thank you. I imagine like flecks of crumbs falling out. Yes. Absolutely. She was not raised the most graceful of creatures, let's just say. Well, I imagine her to be the type of person who really derives joy from other people enjoying her stuff. So just the fact that you're enjoying the cooking so much, like obviously, that would give her a big smile. And dude, this kitchen is full of wonderful smells. This is just like the hot baked bread, the bacon, the eggs, all of it kind of mingling. Like if you weren't eating and weren't hungry, you would be all of a sudden like that kind of vibe coming from the kitchen.

The best kitchen. Yeah. I'm hungry in real life now. All right, everyone break for bacon. Bacon break. Sorry, I won't make that joke again. I just felt like a little piece of Jason's old die. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't mind it as long as Royal Play is getting done. Just bacon, if the episode ended here. And yeah. So I would imagine she'd start to kind of clean things up and just kind of get a jump on dishes. I'm actually going to check on my bees. She'll look over at the party. Do any of you want to help? Help with bees? I have another hat. You can help. Oh my God.

I'll come out and watch. I'll help you. I'm going to sit here. Bees don't get along with me very well. All right. So I will have popped up to her room to grab an extra hat and bail. So no one will be stung by the bees and take them out back to her hives. How long is this veil? Long enough to cover your face and you just kind of tuck it, wrap it around your neck so they don't crawl up in there. Would you say it is longer than three foot eight inches? Because I'm imagining a tiny child person in a giant veil. Remember, I am a dwarf. And you just see little feetsies hanging out.

Beep, beep, beep, beep. No, Zoya would put the hat on and the veil and just sort of wrap it around your neck so it wouldn't be too long. So you won't be tripping over anything. Safety first, but less bunny. Okay. Sorry. Do you really want to trip and fall into a beehive? Yes, I don't. And I don't think Elorath does, but as a listener, yes. Please don't fall into my hives. Quick question, is anyone allergic to bees? Oh, what do you roll for? I never even thought of that. I was thinking about it, but I was like, I mean, can I just like make something up like on the fly that I'm allergic to bees?

I mean, you can or everyone can roll a fly at T20 and on a one or two, you are in fact allergic to bees. Can we do that? No, negative. I would assume I don't need to being a beekeeper. And a dwarf. Okay, good. I'm really not. I just imagine, like, if Irina was allergic to bees, she would have no idea. And then we would have a situation on her hands. Well, I mean, then you'd have to agitate the bees because they don't just sting. Like there's, you know. I beg to differ, but okay. Okay. I'm not a fan of bees either. I like bees. So like the concept of bees, I just like them away from me.

I'm terrified of bees. Like literally terrified. Like bees and spiders I can't handle. I like oh, Valerie's. You and Valerie are or Sorey's. No, me. Oh, you should have seen me at the wedding. All those spiders. Like I left shit in the bathroom because there was a spider in there. I was like, you know what? Not gonna like, I'll get a new one. I had to go into your room and get a fucking spider out. I remember. I know. So bad. Fun fact, Elorath's name is literally bee stinger. So I feel like they will grow. Oh shit, son. They will grow. Yeah. Bee stinger. So Zoya will take Elorath and you know, Karina out and she'll start showing Elorath how to harvest honey from the bees and Zoya will be talking to you and cooing at her bees and, you know, chattering with them because that's what she does.

Do I have to talk like you? I can't. I think it makes better honey, but it's okay. I'm talking enough for both of us. Nice bees. Do I shake it like this? No, don't shake. Go shake. Bad? Gentle. Gentle with the bees. Okay. How close are the goats? Can I go pet some goats? The goats wouldn't be near the bees, but they'd be right outside. You can just walk. I want to go pet some goats. Goats would be kind of near the sheep. I want goats. I want goats. This is what Dinar has dissolved into. Goat petting. This is the opposite of Lockford. It's the most pleasant episode ever.

It's like we're at a petting zoo. Yeah. Harvesting honey and, you know. Are there baby goats? Yes, there's baby goats. Okay, so when Sora goes up to these goats, right? Like, you know, Sora is like this kind of like serious person and like she'll get angry at something, but she's kind of quiet and stuff. She fucking goes up to these goats, right? And she starts, she's like, because you know how like goats will scream? She's gonna scream right back at us. She'll go, "Ah!" And just like stare them dead in the eyes. As a show of dominance or? No, just having a fucking conversation, like exchanging pleasantries.

Just like doing that to all of them. Do you speak goat? Don't scare the goats. I'd like to think that she doesn't speak goat, but she's just like my spirit animal. Do me a favor, Sora and Arena, roll a nature check. Please, I need a high roll, Jason. Oh my god! That is so excellent. Arena is the goat's furrer. The goats have found their leader. These goats fucking love you guys, like love you guys. Arena has a flock of goats, a little mini herd of goats kind of circling her. I feel like I found like some feed or something somewhere and I've just got like a handful of them.

And there is this little miniature baby goat just kind of screaming back and forth at Sora. Just back and forth, kind of elevating its little voice, just kind of like screaming and then like stop. Almost waiting for the exchange it looks like and then back and forth for a while. Because what's great is Sora is kind of short too. If there's an adult goat, she's like as tall as the adult goat, so she is a goat, you know? So her and that baby goat are kindred spirits. This is the first time you've seen Sora happy. I was going to say, you've been like emo broody teenager for a few days and now you're just like, "Baa!" I'm just like imagining the way you would meow back at a cat.

You're just like, "Meow?" Really? But except it's, "Baa!" You ever do that to a cat and the cat's like, "Whoa, what was that about?" Like just kind of give you a look like, "Wow, that is not the social context." Yeah, that's kind of what's going on with the goat. Just like, "Oh, cool, you get me." And then just kind of like shout back. I mean, when I talk to my cats, they talk back. That's all I'm saying. I would imagine that this is just the most pleasant morning. Just a lovely breakfast, catching up with an old friend, yelling at goats, seeing some bees.

Lovely morning. It is idyllic. I think we would go so far as to say idyllic. Look, this one likes me. Look, look, Zoya, Zoya! Look at this one. Look at this one. It's right on my face. Look, look it. Right there. You see? Yes, I saw it. They like you very much. Yeah. You are an excellent beekeeper. You could totally have been my assistant, you know, if you weren't a badass adventurer. OK, bye, bee friend. Maybe if you decide to retire someday. Maybe. I don't know. We'll see. Would I get to eat all the honey I wanted? Yeah, that's one of the benefits. Oh, yes. You hear that, bee friend?

We're going to be bee friends. And Zoya is just going to be really happy and so pleased that everyone's enjoying the time. This is a really good idea, guys. So some time, some time is going to go by and everyone do me a favor and roll a perception check. Oh, my God, why? Why do I why am I trying? What is this? You're enthralled by bees and goats. I am. (Laughter) Sorry, this is just delightful. Zoya and Sora, someone's going to be coming up the road and it looks to be it looks to be a gnome. So it takes a while before before this individual comes, like, comes into full view.

And here's the thing. This little guy is not riding on a horse, but a very large dog. What? A very large dog. This thing looks to be a cross between like a dog and a bear. Like an Irish wolfhound. Kind of. Like one of those Russian bear horns? Kind of. Everyone do me a favor. Roll a nature check to see if you know what. Oh, no, I'm going home. Good job. Oh, my goodness. He knows everything. What the devil did you make, Karen? I broke the table, guys. You are getting so many crits. That's your fourth crit tonight. Yeah. Arena is actually half like dry edge. She's like, I won with the nature and I dance naked in the moonlight and bash your face in.

Let's see. Sora. Sora and arena. This particular breed of dog is not native to the mainland. And it actually comes from the comes from off continent. It's known as a Carmeline, which basically is a breed of dog. That is a it's a mixture of it's basically part dog, part bear. It's a massive dog, vicious, wildly protective, but super lovable as long as it isn't raised to as long as it's raised to like fight or hurt things, something like that. It's in the wild, very loving animals. Is this specific to area and not Earth? Because I looked up Carmeline dog and nothing came up.

This is a Therian dog. This little gnome is going to come riding up to the farm and notice everyone standing here. And it looks let me see who had the highest perception. Zoya and arena, no, Zoya and Sora actually would notice that he looks pretty distraught, like very like that. But time is of the essence, like he's he's riding here specifically, probably to see her. And he's going to he's going to ride and this dog's going to come to a screeching halt near the near the front door. Break from a dog. Yeah, just kind of kick up a lot of dust and dirt and stuff.

And then you're going to hear him hop off this dog and then start to scamper his little legs up to the front door of this house. And he's going to give you like kind of a kind of a waving greeting. He looks to be a little older. Excuse me, everyone. And he is going to run into this house. What would you guys like to do? Zoya is going to kind of look at everyone, but she's going to follow him into the house. Like, I'm sorry, guys, I just want to see what's going on and make sure herm guard doesn't need any help. Okay, I'll come to. Erina just wants to go back to petting goats.

This does not concern me. I mean, if something happens, I'm right there. Yeah, just yell if you need any help. We'll do that. Just be careful with the goats. So you guys are going to go in, except for except for Erina, who's going to continue to pet goats. I'm getting goat kisses. Okay, so they're going to talk to the guy with the dog? Yes. Or at least go into the house and see what he's all about. I'm imagining. Yes. Okay. I mean, go. I think I'll stay outside. Okay, so Sora and Erina are going to continue with the goats and Elrath and... I almost said Ingrid.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, dead Ingrid. Elrath and Zoya are going to go inside. This little guy is going to make a beeline for the kitchen. Like he knows. Beeline. Then he's going to murder Elrath. There will be no murdering. You guys are going to hear him frantically talking to Ermgardt, and she's going to bend down and firstly, kind of give him this really loving hug and then just like, okay, okay, sweetie, calm down. What exactly is the problem? And he's going to turn just very briefly and just notice that you're standing there watching him and then kind of turn back to her.

Oh, God, it's just terrible. Sorry, the voice. I love it. You're going to also notice that he's kind of sniffling and snorting a lot. In fact, coming into the house, he's doing it more. He has allergies. Maybe it kind of appears as though, yeah, some kind of allergic reaction to something in the house. Stop. Like, I'm like, so as the outside petting goes, right, she like hears this like this weird like thing. She just goes, ew, stop. There were kobolds everywhere that just kind of came in, destroying crops, like getting rid of them. Like just stopping to do that every couple of seconds, like he can't quite like catch his breath.

Do we hear all of that? Yeah, you're standing right there. Okay. And Ermgardt's going to stand there with a really concerned look on her face. When did this start? They showed up in the middle of the night. Is the cat loose in the house again? Probably. Okay, I might step outside for a moment. There's a kitty? There's a kitty. It's a cat. Well, of course, it's a farm. It has cat. All farms have cats. It has cat singular. It has cat. Probably has more than one cat. There's always like one indoor cat and then several outdoor cats. But for some reason, that one cat. Yes.

He's actually going to step out on the front porch and try to like he's tilting his head back and like holding the bridge of his nose, just trying to like. Oh, my God. Oh, I love him. Oh, I love Ermgardt, but that cat. Oh, God. You know how much she loves that cat. I know. Don't try to get between her and the cat. Oh, Jesus Christ. Did he just like go to sleep? Just totally clear his sinuses. Like, what's that word? Like start to the end where it means like fall asleep. Narcolepsy. Yeah. He's like, like he's just like talking about this cat just on the floor. So he's a narcoleptic gnome?

Who rides dogs? The name's Tepin, by the way. Tepin? Tepin. I own a farm just down the road a bit. It's usually very peaceful, mostly pigs. I have a boar, but right now I'm having a bit of a problem with kobolds. I'm so delighted. Sorry. I'm not. Excuse me. I'm just going to mute so you can get through this. No, that's fine. That's fine. I just. I just live in the chat. Okay. That's just getting silly. I have allergies and they're not that bad. Karen, he is a nubbish gnome with allergies. I feel like you're exaggerating a little bit. Well, yeah. I have mild allergies and it's not that bad.

I'm just like imagining him that he looks like the gnome version of like a CPA. Just like black glasses. And I mean, he looks like he's that weird, like, see through green visor. Have I mentioned? I am so delighted by this. All right. I'm meeting again. So things can happen. Okay. Can you spell out his name? I'm sorry. It's Tepin. T-E-P-I-N. Tepin. Okay. I was just laughing. I was like, nope. Can't. I don't know what you just said to me. He's going to take a look at you guys and it's going to dawn on him that you guys are. You're pretty outfitted. Like you're not. It's obviously you're not merchants and you're definitely not farmers.

Hey. I don't suppose you guys would want to accompany me back to the farm and maybe chase out these cobalt. I could pay you. How many are there? He's doing like he's doing that finger math. Yeah. Again, I could definitely pay you. There's I think I counted seven, maybe nine. It's usually not a problem. I'm usually far enough away from my mantle that they don't follow me back. But I think a couple of them just kind of tracked me down. It's an awful lot. I mean, Zoya's going to look over at the group. Do you think you would even feel comfortable handling that?

I'm still petting goats. Yeah, I was going to say, it's just me. It's just Elrath would be like, well, but the goats aren't that far from the house. No, I'd imagine they'd hear conversation. I don't know how invested they are, how close they're paying attention. You can hear in the background just that still screaming. Oh, you're still doing this? Oh, absolutely. Okay. At a certain point, we like is your friend all right? She just really likes the goats. I don't know if she's ever seen them before. I don't know, but she's happy. I think the Kobolds are after the pigs.

Oh, no. Actually, I'm pretty sure they're after the boar. Would giving them the boar make them go away? I don't want to give them my boar. That's my boar. Well, but I mean, you can always get another boar. I can never get another boar like Spare rib. That's true. I remember Spare rib won many prizes, but well, I mean, you can certainly ask my friends if you can tear them away from the goats. Maybe they would be willing to help. I'm down if they are. Guys, Mir. What? Mir. Sora, stop yelling at goats. This is the best episode ever. Mir. Okay, we're coming. Don't listen to them.

Sora, let's go. I fucking love this. This is brilliant. So as you approach, Teppen would hold out his little hand. Teppen. Teppen Tanwin. Elorath, Beestinger. Shake his hand. And he'd do the same for Irena. Oh, sorry. Don't be totally missing your ketos, guys. It took me a second to process it. You're like, as you approach, and it's like, okay. She'll introduce herself. Irena. Sora. So I have a bit of a situation at the farm with kobolds, and they're not usually too dangerous. You could scare them off if you just maybe hit them a couple of times. They're like really big cats.

Like, why haven't you had your giant dog over there run after them if they're that scared of things? Well, to be honest, he looks really scary, but he's kind of a wimp. Okay. Again, I could pay your group. I understand you're on your way somewhere. Your time is valuable. Life of an adventurer. Get it. But sorry. Yeah, I'm just afraid they're going to hurt my pigs. And so we'll kind of lean over. Spare rib as a prize winner. Blue ribbon. I'm just going to raise their eyebrows like, okay, great. How far is your farm? It's only like five minutes away. Oh, guys. I'm right here.

I'll tell you what. I'll sweeten the deal. I'll fill your packs full of food. Oh, hello. Free food is a pretty good deal, guys. And his farm produces amazing pork. I'm down. Let's do this if you guys want to. Sora. Sure. Let's fight some kobolds. Oh, thank you so much. Okay. You need to. I don't think so. I'll say anything. But Valerie thinks you need to calm down. I was going to say, okay, you need to stop, but calm down as well. I'm just going through my list of Valerie terms. I just want him to break out a little inhaler. Just to take a couple of pops while he's talking to us.

Oh, God. He's popping potions, isn't he? He would hop back on his big old dog. I can lead you to the fire whenever you're ready. Can we leave our horses here? I would think it's easy walking distance. You don't want the horses to get attacked by kobolds. Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Okay. So his big old dog is going to walk alongside you guys. And it's only about a seven minute walk. I would imagine you guys got some pep in your step and you're going. Because time is a little bit of the essence. Kobolds are mostly a nuisance. They're not crazy dangerous, but they can get the jump on you.

And they are dirty fighters. Oh, they're the ones that, like, lay traps and stuff. And then they're like, yeah, they hate a fair fight. They will double triple quadruple team you. They will dig holes. They will. You know what? Actually, do me a favor. Roll an nature check for Kobolds. Oh, yeah, it's been going so well. Okay, you're due my best role so far. That's not bad. Almost a crit. Karen, you took away my. Oh, you did it too. Okay, never mind. Yeah. Karen, what witchery is this? Listen, this is my come up in. Okay. I don't know what blood sacrifice you committed before this particular session, Karen.

There was a war priest and there was also a ranger. Feel free to make that sacrifice every time for good roles. Just saying. I hope it doesn't wear off when we're in combat. Oh, God, I know. That's what I'm like. I'm like, seriously, it's going to too. Watch. We don't know that yet. Okay, so Sora, Arena and Zoya are going to have a pretty decent amount of information on Kobolds. Sora specifically. She'll have a couple of tidbits that you guys might not know, but even Eloreth would know some of this. They tend to attack in packs. You will almost never see a lone Kobold.

And if you do, there's a bunch of them lying in wait in bushes, tree tops, that type of thing. They'll try and leap on your back and stab you. They'll try to try and trip up your legs from underneath and get you on the ground because they're not really large. The tallest Kobolds are like three and a half to four feet tall. They're really not crazy big at all. They tend to use sharpened sticks, spears. If they can pick up a weapon from a downed adventure or something like that, they will use it. But you're not going to see them using big broad swords and shields and things.

It's too much for them to lug around. Lots of daggers, crude bows and arrows. There are a couple of magic users, but it's wild magic is what it's referred to. So they don't really have control over their own magic use. Not a lot of discipline in the Kobold community. What? Yeah. They do love traps. Anything they can do to screw you up. They will try to blind you. They will throw things in your eyes. They will dig holes. They will use tree branches and trick wires and all kinds of stuff. SOR would even know of a couple of different traps. They will repurpose bear traps for hunters and things like that and put them in different places to try and snag people.

And they will even go so far as to bury hornets nests. That's terrible. Oh, yeah. There have been very unlucky travelers who have been on kind of disused roads and things that will uncover a Kobold trap and then be attacked by hornets and then Kobolds on top of that. Yeah, they're dirty, dirty fighters. So everything about those travelers days was terrible. Oh, God, yeah. And I mean, at worst, a Kobold will have a really good day and kill someone. But it's usually a merchant or something. It's very, very rarely adventures unless you're having a really bad day and they're having a really good day.

The most they'll make you do is look foolish most of the time. And it tends to piss adventurers off just because that's not exactly a story you're going to regale someone with in a bar. It's like, OK, so I fell in this hole. Like, no one's going to tell that story. That's pretty much what you guys are dealing with right now. And coming up on this farm, everyone do me a favor. Roll a perception check. And there it is. Yay, I was mediocre. Now I'm thinking Mad Max, whenever someone uses the term mediocre. You're welcome. Sora and Elorath. It looks like portions of this little farm have been messed up.

Like these little these little Kobolds can do a bit of damage if they work together. A couple of pigs are loose. They've been they've been kind of let out of their pen. One pig looks to be dead. Aw. Yeah, there is one lone boar who looks to be just fine. And there is a dead Kobold next to that that large boar. You're also going to hear noises coming from coming from a barn. And if you had to put money on it, that would probably be where your new Kobold friends are. Fun. Yeah. So what would you guys like to do here? Go kick some Kobold ass. Did you say we could see them all?

You can hear them. You can definitely hear them. But there's one next to like the boar, which we can see. Dead, yes. Oh, oh, there's a dead Kobold? Oh, the boar got him. Yep. Yeah. Okay. Boars are badass. Boars are not very nice. That's why you were like, you can just get another boar. And I was like, have you ever tried to catch a boar? Yep. Which may be why Tepen is so concerned. Perhaps. Well, if nobody stops her, Elorath's probably going to start charging around looking for some Kobolds. Yeah, I'll follow her. I'll be keeping a beef back, following behind everyone.

Tepen would announce. I'm going to bring up the rear and maybe just wait back here. Do you want to maybe wait inside? In the barn? The house? Oh, that makes more sense. Yes, actually, I believe I will wait inside the house. Okay. And he's going to excuse himself and thank you guys. Just thank you. Thank you. And just kind of like scamper on into the house with the dog. Like, the dog will walk up to the door and there's kind of a little saddle on it. And he's going to kind of lean up and grab the door and open it. And then the dog will kind of back up around the door and go inside.

Like, they've been to this routine a lot. That dog is essentially his legs. So he's going to kind of look over at everyone. It's like, I thought maybe it might be better just to be on the safe side to have him not get in your way. I agree. One less thing to worry about. You're smart. What? I think we thought. So what if we open up because they're in a barn, right? So if we open up the barn doors and just, like, let them, like, trickle out, then we can just, like, take them out one by one. I feel like they wouldn't do that, though. They'd be like, no, man, we're going to stay in here.

You come into us and we'll get you one by one. Because I was going to say, they're cleverish, aren't they? Like, devious clever? Yeah, devious clever is a good descriptor. Does anybody have a grenade? Zoya does not keep grenades on her person. Damn. What with the whole being a healer. You got to have a holy shit button. Like, come on. The holy hand grenade of Anteok has not been found yet. Yes. We could always go up to the barn, like, to have, like, a arena on one side, Elorath on the other side, and, like, just open the doors and see what they do. Now, is this a two story barn or a one story barn?

I would imagine it has a hayloft of some kind, wouldn't it? Kind of standard barn? It's, yeah, it's two stories. There'd be a ladder. On the outside? Yes. Okay, because I want to go up there and I want to start sniping. Hmm. You could climb up there and you could let us know where they're at or what they're doing. Yeah, I'll scout and snipe. Okay, let's do this. Sora, do me a favor, roll a stealth check. And let us know how many there are. Give us the inside info. Oh, god, yeah. She is a shadow on the wall. I am one with the night. She's just goading quietly to herself, but it works for some reason.

It's like background sound. Beh. She is like covered in goat hair and looks like a goat now. She actually did the petting. Yeah. Sora is going to stealth her way up this ladder and sneak into the barn. Looking down, she is going to see six kobolds, one of which looks to be a little larger than the rest of them, kind of like shouting orders in sort of draconic slang. I don't know if anybody knows draconic in the party. Nope. It's kind of a bastardized version of draconic. It's not true draconic. But yeah, shouting orders to the rest of them. And it looks to be like they're kind of setting up camp, like they're going to live here.

They're invading the barn. Like, well, I guess we live here now. They have annexed the barn. Do they have a flag? They are barn people. They don't have a flag. Ah, then they can't... Fuck them. Yeah. Okay. Can't blame us. We live here. Do you have a flag? No. So I'll go back. Was I looking through a window or did I actually get into... Oh, you're in the barn on the second story. I'm going to go outside so I can see everybody. Okay. And I'll make hand motions to say that there's six of them. But I'll say, on my mark, you can come in now. Okay. What's your mark? Here's the thing.

Okay, hold on a second. Let's see how well the party understands what Sora is trying to say. Everyone roll an intelligence check. Oh, yes. I got this. I've decided. I got nothing. Oof. Really? Y'all? I think she wants more bacon. That is fucking amazing. She wants me to break her note. That's... Everybody in the party has rolled the exact same score, regardless of modifiers. It's amazing. And yes, Zoya is going to suggest that Sora just wants another goat. None of us know what the fuck she's talking about. I imagine one of you guys would just be like, "What?" Yeah, Armin is going to look over to Zoya and Elorath and be like, "Do you get that at all?" It looks like a goat.

Does she want a goat? Like, bait? Oh, no. Why? Okay, Sora's going to wave her hands around and be like, "No, no, no, no, no." Then she's going to say, "There's six of them." Oh, she's going to say that? Yes. Now she's going to say it, because she sees it. She's just giving up on hand signals? Yes. There's six of them in there. I want to... wait, okay. She's stealthily yelling. That's what I'm... okay, you are on the second floor. Stage whisper. Shouting down to team members. Well, I'm not shouting, like, loudly. It's got to be loud enough for them to hear it. That's okay.

Oh, those goat noises. So, Sora will say, "There's six of them in there. One of them looks to be the leader of swords. I'm going to try and take him out, and then you guys can come in and help me with the rest. What do you think?" Yeah. How are we going to know when the leader's down? What's your signal? My signal is... Ahh! I had to mute because I knew it was coming. You know what's going to give away your position, right? If you actually say that. At this point... Yeah. From within the barn, every one of the party's going to hear... Are they zombies? No, they just kind of make half-hearted lizard sounds a lot of the time.

And rushing to the front entrance of this barn is going to be the largest kobold, followed by everyone else in his little pack. And the leader is going to stop dead at the front entrance, seeing how many of you there are, and the rest of his party is going to run into the back of him and kind of push him forward a bit. Yes, let's go, bitch. This is just a sitcom. Keystone Kops, exactly. Shoot him through the top of the head. That's what I want to do. Shoot him! Here's what we're going to do. Shoot him, Clay. Shoot him, Clay. Clay Aiken? No, never mind. Yes, please.

Nope, nope. Keep going. Okay, please go again, Clay. Can everyone see that? Yes. Mm-hmm. All right. Can't stop again. God damn it, Valerie. My name is Sophie. Sora is going to be just above them on the barn. Everyone else would be on the outside of it, and Sora is just kind of on the outside of the barn here looking down at the party and the kobolds. Everyone, do me a favor. Roll initiative. Oh. Okay, I have to go first. Holy shit. Yes. Yes. So for another one of the solid-- Yes, there is-- Fuck. God, I have been waiting for this, you beautiful bastard. Nice. That'll be the only good roll I get all day too, and it's like, I'm ready. [laughter] Wow, the party did well.

Wow, you're a loser. Wow, how the fuck did I go first, Sora? What the hell? I know, right? I got a five. Like, 20. You guys ready? Oh, okay. Fucking do this. Elrath, you're up first. Okay. Um... Sorry, I'm trying to maximize my screen here. Okay. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh, yes, son. Elrath is going to run right up to the kobold chieftain. I called him. Wow. I called dibs. Very loudly. Long hair, don't care. And she's going to use... Oh, yes. She's going to try Great Shout against this chieftain. Is it a ghost shout? Uh, no. It's probably... She's one with the bees, so it's probably just like...

But I was like, "No, that's stupid. Don't do that." Okay, so... Attack. Yes! Almost a crit, bitch-hoo! All right. Hit. All right, damage. Oh, good. 16 damage to the chieftain. And each enemy within five squares of me takes a negative two penalty to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. So everyone. Each enemy, so yes. So every enemy, yes. Yes. I just wanted to make that clear. I was like, "Not our people." So... That would be a terrible attack. Yeah! Gorgeous. I did something. Anything else? Uh, no, that should be it. That may be the best lead-off Elareth has ever had in combat.

Apparently you just give her a good breast, some honey and bacon, and she's like, "All right, I'm gonna kick your face." Arena, your turn. Okay, this might be overkill, but one, two, three, four, five, six. And I'm going to use my... That's gonna get an opportunity attack. Is it? Yeah, once you reach the threshold of an enemy... Okay, how about that? That's fine. Okay. And then I'm going to use... Where's the pointers? My daily Hollowed Circle. So that gives, that creates a zone of bright light until the end of the encounter, where if you are inside of it, you get a plus one to your power bonuses for my friends, and then it actually attacks everyone in the zone.

I have a question. Mm-hmm. Does this zone, like, span upward? 'Cause am I in it? Oh, 'cause you're on the second level? Like, is it three-dimensional? Well, you wouldn't be in it anyway. It's, 'cause what it is is I'm, essentially the burst is coming out from, like, one of my feet or something. Like, imagine, like, an Elsa-style stomp. Yes. And, like, instead of snow and ice, it's just, like, hieroglyphics and bright light. Okay, so you have to be, like, on the ground touching it? Yes. Okay, I didn't know if it was, like, a bubble or, like, a straight cylinder into the air.

Wow. Oh, I crit that one guy! Oh, my God, that's fucking awesome. Okay, let's do damage for, okay, so you hit everybody in the burst, so that is the War Priest, the Spiker, and the Chieftain will save damage. Actually, you know what? Roll damage for the Chieftain first. Uh, oh. I believe it, wait, does it automatically do it? I think it does all of 'em. I can click the other ones. It should automatically do the damage correctly, but try it. Yep, it automatically does the damage, so you're gonna do 22 damage to the Chieftain and 14 damage to the Spiker and the War Priest.

Nice. And that's it for my turn. Let's see here, you have Bloodied the Chieftain as a result of being Bloodied. Are you serious? Yeah. Um, he is going to use Knee Splitter. Oh. He's gonna try and swing this against Arena. He is going to try and hobble you, essentially. And totally miss. Ah. Yeah, he's not very intimidating. Sora, your turn. Okay, so let's-- You are behind these Kobolds and above them. You have every advantage. Right. Um, so, let's see, let me just... Do you have to be adjacent to somebody and flanking them, like, on the ground? Um, technically, yes.

Okay, I didn't know she would get flanking because, like, it looks like there's a straight line between her and Alucra. Well, it would have to be-- It has to be, like, they have to be right in the middle of you two, like, she would have to be, like, yeah. Okay, apologies, continue. No, no problem. Okay, so... Let's... Okay, I'm gonna do... Um, Careful Attack on the Chieftain. Now, I know that... So, am I right there but just above? Like, game-wise, like, where my token is, am I there but above? Yes. Okay, so he wouldn't be the closest to me. No. Right, okay, so I can't do Thunder Spore.

Got it. So, I'm going to do Careful Attack and I have Combat Advantage because it's my first time, um... taking my turn in the encounter. So, it's gonna be-- It's gonna have a plus two, um, and roll. Oh, wow. Nice. Very nice. That'll hit. Now, damage. Twelve damage to the Chieftain. And... How big is kind of, like, the area that I'm in? Like, can I move? It's very much a ledge that you're on right now. So, you can move horizontally a few spaces in either direction, but that's pretty much it. Unless you want to climb down the ladder. Um, I think I'd be more useful up here, not a people's wave.

So, um, I... I want to move, like, here 'cause I'm closer to--or here. So, I'm closer to the guys down there a little bit. And that will be it for my turn. Alright. And that'll be the War Priest's turn. War Priest is going to move right here and target Erina. Uh, and he's going to try to use Venomous Sting and totally miss. -Like, embarrass me. -Suck it. Yeah. Spiker is going to... ...or move right here. No, you know what? Move right down there and target Elorak. Does he get an opportunity attack? Um, he was right here, so he could kind of do a wide arc, move six spaces in a row.

-Oh, okay. Whatever. -That's the only reason. Uh, and he--hmm. Cobalt Spiker. What's Cobalt Spiker gonna do? Be a Rudan? Probably. Is he going to try to spike me? Right now he's going to use a shortsword on Elorath. Oh my god, and roll terribly. Eat it. Uh, let's see. The other Cobalt Spiker is also going to target Elorath and use Kneeshot. So, gonna try and target your knees. -Also going to miss. -Ooh, crit fail, bruh. Crit fail. Bad day for you. Zoya, your turn. That's awesome. I don't even need to heal anybody. Jesus. -Okay. -Oh, kobolds. They didn't even have time to really set up traps.

I feel bad for them. They're not doing well. So, I am going to use Astral Seal and I am going to target the kobold chieftain. Gosh, it's been a while since I've targeted it anything. So... This, if it hits until the next turn, the target will take a -2 penalty to all defenses. The next ally who hits it before the end of my next turn regains hit points equal to 2 plus my charisma modifier. -So... -Which guy is this? -Chieftain. -Okay. Oh, that was almost a one. Oh wow, that still misses. Jesus. Wow. Does the effect still go into... -The effect? -Nope. I pretty much have to hit, I think.

That's only going to hit. For that bonus or whatever you were saying? -Mm-hmm. -Okay. And I'm actually going to move a little closer, just over to here. -Okay. -But that's the end of my turn. All right. Let's see, kobold wild mage is going to... It's going to use wild magic on Sora. And let's see, this even hits. That'll hit. So here's the thing about wild magic. Remember how I said they don't exactly have control over what they're doing? I have to roll a 1d4 and see what actually is going to come out of this kobold's implement and then race towards Sora here.

So... Ooh, that is fire. A flame bolt is going to rocket towards Sora and do 15 damage and 15 damage. And 5 ongoing fire damage. And that'll be the end of this mage's turn. Mage number 2 is also going to target Sora and also use wild magic. And do horrendous. Which will bring up the chieftain who is dead last in turn order. Uh... Oh, chieftain. He's going to use Fight On You Slugs. Which is a close burst to... All allies in the burst gain a +4 bonus to its next attack roll. And that is going to be... That's a minor. And he's going to try and cheap shot Elorath.

So let's not target arena. Let's target Elorath and use cheap shot. That'll miss. Ha ha! That's what you get for being a rude ass. Elorath, your turn! All right, Elorath, to get out of flanking is going to go shift here. And let's see, target the chieftain. She's going to actually try Roaring Challenge. Ooh. Against the chieftain, so let's see if this hits. Mm-hmm. Suck it. That'll hit. Ahh! What? Okay, so damage to him. Heh heh. Eat a dick. Wow! Okay. Okay, that'll kill him. But wait, there's more. Okay. After a successful hit, there is a secondary attack with each enemy in a blast three radius.

Or whatever. So I think it's the warpriest and the spiker because I believe the blast comes out in a cone. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. So I think that would just be those two, correct? Those two. Okay. So it's going to target those. And let's see. That'll be charisma versus will, so we'll see. Oh, it hits one of them. It'll hit the priest. Okay. So, let's see. Oh, and upon a hit, that target takes a negative two penalty to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. So, apply that again. Okay, cool. Let's see. Okay. You just killed their leader in horrific fashion.

What did you do to him? Oh, he tried to cheap shot me, so she swung her flail around and it's a roaring challenge, so she is just yelling, "You mother fucker!" And hitting him right in the face, like cleaving him downwards with her flail, just like, "I don't think so." And she's going to squish him into like a bloody pulp. And it's going to scare that one guy so much, she's going to be like, "Oh, fuck off!" Oh, God. I did not sign up for this shit. This was not how I-- Lisa, are you-- Lisa, are you okay? Oh, I kind of need this after today. Can I just-- She's working some things out.

We're having a moment. But yeah, so that's what she's like. It's almost as if you're trying to cut into a log or a stump, just a big overhanded, two-handed swing right into his face. Okay, I want to point out the fact that you just killed the Kobold supervisor, as it were. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit, son. The parallels. Just throwing it out there. You could call this guy their creepy boss. Yeah. I mean, you could, if you were so inclined. There may or may not be a hidden stash of creepy pornography in Kobold leaders' shit. No! But it doesn't matter because he's dead now.

Which means that he gets to suffer the afterlife embarrassment of his friends finding his creepy pornography and wrackling through it. One of them. What's crazy was he was just nine months away from retirement. He was. Oh, my gosh. I love you so much. Arida! Okay. I wonder how much of that to cut. Like, that's not going to make any sense to any listener. I don't know, but some of it's hilarious. I like it. Okay. That's just me. I'm going to target Sora, and I'm going to use this thing called Bond of Protection. She's going to get a plus two power bonus to all her defenses and a plus five power bonus to endurance checks.

And if I would like so, I can take five points of damage from her as a free action. So there's that. You're welcome. And then I'm going to turn to this Kobold Spiker. I cannot talk anymore. And I'm going to hit him with Hold Fast. Yeah, that's what I want to do. That'll definitely hit. Yes. Sorry. Your Demon Pact Hold Strong. Yes. So there's that. And then he is immobilized into the end of my next turn. Hmm. So he's locked into this fight with you. He is dead. He ain't going nowhere. That is 12 damage to him, and that will bloody him. Sora, your turn. Okay. Now, quick question.

The five damage that's being done to Sora right now, do you want to take that, Irina? Yeah, I'll take it. So is it at the start of the turn or at the end? It's whenever you encounter damage. No, I mean the five fire damage. Beginning. Okay. Okay, so I will target Kobold Wild Mage 2, and he's closest, so I get Hunter's Quarry on him. And I will do another Careful Attack. Okay. Ooh. I get a thing. If I miss with a short bow, I get to do a ranged basic attack within five squares of that enemy. So, let's see. So the other Wild Mage? One, two, three, four. Yes. Okay.

So, let's do that and a ranged basic attack. Okay. Fucking penises. Okay. For those of you at home, she rolled a two and then a one. Okay, fine. I won't do anything. But I will save. Good. I think this will work, and if I get it, it will automatically turn that thing off. I don't know. Let's find out. Hey! It did. Did it fire damage off? Did it do it? Did it do the same? Yep, it did. Yeah! Good job, table. Okay. And, yeah, that's it. Okay. Kobold Warpriest is going to shift, get Arena in his sights, and, oh, still missing. Oh, man. Still getting a negative two, but he'll get a plus two, so he evens out.

Yay! He's going to use his mace against Arena and roll like... Oh, hold on, hold on. I have a plus one to my AC that's not on the combat tracker. Okay, okay. So my AC's 26. Okay. Sorry. It's okay. So that's going to miss. It's going to miss. Thank you. Spiker got knocked for a loop by Arena, so going to try to hit Arena with a knee shot. That'll hit. Damn it. Ten damage. Yeah, ten damage, and let's see. The target is pushed one square. If a creature is attacked by a trap to the... Oh, no, there's no traps. Don't worry. Question. Yes? It says he's immobilized. Can he attack if he's immobilized?

He can attack, he just can't move. Ah, okay. So going to push, going to push right there. That'll bring up Spiker number two, who is going to... Spiker two is going to move in against Elorath and use his short sword. That'll hit. Ugh. His little kobold short sword is going to go... and do nine damage. Zoya, your turn. Okay. So first I am going to move to here-ish. Shining Symbol. Now, the target's each enemy in the blast. It's going to be... The target will take a negative two penalty to attack rolls until the end of my next turn. Okay. So that is what will happen.

Totally fine. Oh, shit. Okay, you're going to crit the one and... Oh, wow, you rolled max damage on that one too. So it's 13 to both of them. Alright. They are totally swarmed by little teeny tiny little bee bits of light. Buzzing. Swarming around them. That's so cool. Stinging the hell out of them. Oh, man. Okay. Kobold Wild Mage number one is going to continue its attack against Zora and use Wild Magic again. 18. Okay, that 31 will hit Zora. I would use Second Chance for this. Okay. 19. So 32. Cool. 1d4. Let's see what kind of magic this is going to be. Ooh, four.

What's four, guys? Four is going to be Venom Bolt, so it's poison damage this time. 18 damage to Zora. That will bloody end. Jesus. She will take ongoing five poison damage and the target is slowed. 13 damage, Jason, please. And I will take five of that. Alright. On it. I feel like I have something that, like, something goes up if I'm bloody. I have a feeling. Nope. Alright. And that'll end his turn. Wild Mage number two is going to target Elorath. What? Why? Rude ass. I haven't done anything to you. You're hurting his friend. Well, that's fair. Wild magic, everybody.

It's crazy. We don't know what it's going to do. Wild thing. [singing] That will hit Elorath. And two. That'll be a Frost Bolt. That'll be 12 damage. 12 damage to Elorath and she's immobilized. Oh, you dick. Elorath's your turn. Reputtle. Well done. Reputtle. So I forgot to mention, but when I did my Great Shout, I entered my Berserker's Figury. But yes, some of my attacks get extra damage and stuff and then if I'm friend-seeing, it's something else. You count it for no one. Yes. Okay. Well then, which one just hit me? Wild Mage one. Oh, that was the -- yeah, Wild Mage two, actually.

Two right there, you bitch. Well, I guess I will just have to defeat Spiker number two and then come kick your ass. All right. So let's try this. We are going to try -- we're going to try Escalating Violence. That sounds fun. Yeah. Against Spiker number two. All right. Let's do this. Here we go. Damn it. Damn it. I don't get anything? Well then, I guess I will try to do my saving throw. Hmm. Arena, your turn. Okay. I am going to use Land Hands on myself. Okay. So let me do that. Boom. Okay. Beautiful. And then I'm going to use a power called Divine Metal, which is going to -- oh, I don't have to do that.

It's going to let Sora roll a saving throw with a bonus equal to my Charisma modifier, which is -- I forgot already -- which is four. So she can roll a saving throw with a plus four modifier. Do it, Sora. Right now? Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's safe. You're good. And then I am going to do a power called Dazzling Flare. So this Bright Light is going to shoot out from me. And I'm going to do attack the Cobalt Warpriest, which is right next to me. Yeah. That'll hit. Okay. Do damage. And then he is -- also he gets a negative two penalty to attack rolls until the end of my next turn.

Son of a bitch. That poor guy. Take that. That'll also bloody him. Nice. Yeah. Anything else? No, I cannot do anything else. Okay. Sora, your turn. Okay. Just do a careful attack again on Wild Mage 2. And Hunter's Quarry is all cool and stuff. Uh... Fucking -- I hate everybody. It's another crit one. Okay, that's -- Karen siphoned off your luck for the evening. Fuck you, Karen. I know I said thank you before. She actually passed on the pack before I did, and that's, like, the result. Should have killed that goat. Oh, my God. Oh, okay. Anyway. Fucking action point. Okay.

Okay. For my action point, let's do -- let's see. One, two, three. I'm going to do split the tree. Or, yes, split the tree. Two creatures within three squares of each other. And I make two attack rolls, take the higher result, and apply it to both targets. So I'm going to undo you. So let's do split the tree twice. Uh, 30. 30 would hit both of them. Cool. Now let's do that. And it says -- right, okay. Just wanted to make sure that -- Oh, good Lord. Oh, wow, yeah. That's 22 damage to the Wild Mage 2 and 20 damage to the Spiker. Now, I have one of Cory on the Wild Mage.

Okay. So let's do that. Yep. That is an extra four damage to the Wild Mage. Hold on a second. That will kill Wild Mage 2. Yeah. I did it. Thank you. That guy was a thorn in my side. Anything else, Sora? That will be it. All right. Warpriest. Warpriest is going to take another swing of its mace against Arena. Let's see here. Cobalt Warpriest is going to hit Arena. And damage from the mace. 14 damage. Cool. I was actually just reading my PDF because it's a good thing to have up. And I have a resist one to all damage. Okay. So 13 damage. Thank you. It's the little things that count.

That could save a life one day. Spiker number one. Spiker number one is going to whip out his sling. He's going to whip it around real quick. Then he's going to fire it at Elorath. What? Oh, that will hit. Yeah. 14 damage to Elorath. Fine. I'll take that for now. Spiker number two is going to whip out his short sword. Swing against Elorath. No. I'm going to use second chance on that one. And I believe you get a negative five penalty. But I don't think it'll matter. That'll be exactly the same then because he rolled five higher. Damn it. Okay. That'll be 11 damage to Elorath.

Zoya, your turn. All right. So the first thing I am going to do is move a little bit closer. I'm going to kind of take a sweep around here. One, two, three, four, five. And I'm hoping... Yes. I am going to target Zora and I am going to use a healing word. That's a close burst of five. You are one ally in the burst. Each target can spend a healing surge and regain one D6 additional hit points. Actually two D6 additional hit points because I'm over level six. Nice. Okay. Doesn't tell me how to roll that though. Just roll the extra D6 on the table. Okay. Or the two D6s, sorry.

Son of a biscuit. Great, I can't actually... (whispering) Just like grabbing the dice on the table? Yeah, for whatever. Okay, and how do you make there be two? Oh, if you click on it and then right click once, it'll give you two dice. There we go. All right, so a healing surge plus eight. Okay. So there you go, Zora. Be less damaged. Much less damaged. You know what? Wild Mage is going to stop targeting Zora for a moment and target Arena. Bring it. Let's see. And use... You know what? Going to use Wild Magic. Fuck it. This is going really well so far. That will... wait, that'll hit.

Oh my God. Oh, reflex. And this time, ladies and gentlemen, we are doing lightning. So that'll be 13 damage to Arena and she is dazed, save adds. Minus one, please. Minus one. I feel so silly for saying that, but... No, you know what? It mounts up. Elrath, your turn. All right. All right, she's going to target Kobold Spiker Two and she's going to try run down. Let's see. It's usually not very effective, but we'll try it. I believe. That'll hit. Yes. All right. Okay, so... Sorry. I'm trying to look... Because I'm in my... Okay, so because I'm in my Berserker Fury, this actually does more damage, so I'll have to roll that separately because it gets an extra D8.

So here's the regular damage. Oh, well. Okay, that'll kill this Kobold. Good, motherfucker. Okay, well, the effect is that it slowed until the end of my turn. It's super slowed. I'll agree. Then I'm going to spend an action point and do my second wind because I need some healing business. Okay, sweet. Anything else? Oh, I also get a plus two bonus to all my defenses until the end of my next turn, and I need to roll a saving throw. Go right ahead. Yeah! That will save... I'm no longer immobilized. That'll bring up arena. Cool. Fuck this daze shit. I have a thing called Incredible Toughness, which ends any ongoing damage or dazing effect slowed, stunned, weakened condition.

Currently affecting me, so I'm going to use that. Okay, gone. Gone. I also have to confess something. I used two miners in my last turn. But I have a free action because I used... I thought my land hands was just a free action, but it's a miner. But I have a free action to regain healing surges as per my armor, so I'll just say that I used that instead. Sorry, just wanted to be honest. No, that's good. I appreciate it. Okay, and then I'm going to hit this Cobalt Warpriest with my Paladin's Judgment, and I want him to die. I will file that request. Ha! Thank you.

That will hit. And kill him, I think, right? 16 damage. Yep. Dead. Bam. So, Warpriest is gone, guys. Ooh, and as part of my Paladin's Judgment, an ally within five squares of me can spend a Healing Surge. So, Al'arath, Healing Surge. Yay! Thank you, friend. You're welcome. I will take that... Oh. Thanks, GM and friends. Hee hee. Sora, your turn. Okay. Let us do... Let me just go over here and let's take out this Cobalt Wild Mage 1. I will do another Careful Attack, and Hunter's Quarry is now on that one. That's sadly going to miss. Okay, that's it. Was that with your shortbow or your longbow?

She only has a shortbow. A shortbro. Oh, shortbro. She's got a shortbro. Didn't you have something where it's like if you missed with your shortbro? Yeah, I already used that. Oh, it's a one-time effect? Yeah, it's once per encounter. My bad. Yeah. Cobalt Spiker is going to start to move away from all this nonsense. No, you little bitch. Let me see. Is he not immobilized anymore? Yeah. He's going to take both his move actions and then sort of flee. A lot. Like, leave combat. Flee. Ah. Zoya, your turn. Okay. What should I do? Because everyone's not really doing too badly.

What I'll do then... Eh, what the hell? I'm going to move one, two here. And I am going to target our cobalt wild mage with Sacred Flame. Now, that does 1d6 plus Wisdom modifier radiant damage and one ally you can see can choose either to make a saving throw or gain temporary hit points equal to my Charisma modifier plus one half my level. So, I don't know that anyone needs it, but whatever. Couldn't hurt. Okay. And I miss, so... That is going to miss. God damn it. Anything else? That is the end of my turn. This wild mage is going to start to back away and use both of its move actions to run and flee from combat.

Man. That'll take you guys out of combat. Yay! And I feel like that's a good time for us to stop for the evening. Does anyone want a heal check? I'm good. I got healing surges. Not a big deal. This was a super fun session, guys. Yeah, it really was. It was fun. I want to keep this going. Hi everybody, this is Kira from Group 4. We just wanted to let you know that if you're interested in following us on Facebook, Twitter, checking out our forums, you can find all of that information and more at our website. That's www.dandrpodcast.com. If you've enjoyed the show and you want to support us, you can find our Patreon there.

And of course you can also rate us on iTunes. We always appreciate a five star rating. Thank you.