Under the Table

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[clattering] [clattering] Pickaxe. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah, you're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you don't gotta cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. It's your first job? I know what I'm doing. I'm a little late for a crit change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+.

This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... [clears throat] With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Only on Peacock. Episode 197 of the DNR Podcast is brought to you today by the One-Shot Podcast Network. If you like roleplaying podcasts and if you listen to us, I know you do, you should check out One-Shot.

They record self-contained One-Shot stories with improvisers, game designers, and other notable nerds playing a variety of RPGs. Like comic writer/artist Noelle Stevenson playing masks, showrunner of the Leverage and Librarians TV shows John Rogers playing Trinaton, and the Hello from the Magic Tavern podcast experiencing Dungeon World. It's a great way to find new games to try. The One-Shot Network also has ongoing shows like Campaign, their hilarious Star Wars Edge of the Empire game, and several interview and discussion shows for you to learn more about your favorite game personalities.

There's no better time to jump on the One-Shot as they currently are preparing for Dungeon Dome. It's a live streaming D&D arena event on February 26th. You can find the One-Shot Podcast Network at oneshotpodcast.com or on your favorite podcast app. Thank you very much, guys, and we hope you enjoy today's show. Oh, let's do that thing where we go around the table to introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master, going around the table to start with Mac. Hi, I'm Mac and I play Kaluna Volgher, Wildling Shaman. And Jasper. Hey, this is Jasper, I play Merrick, Applered, Human Cleric.

And Bree. Hi, I'm Brianna and I play Thanatos, the Giscerai Sion. And Izzy. Hey, I'm Izzy and I play Una, the Half-Elf Paladin. Guys, last time on the show you pretty much wrapped everything up in Umineiro. You had a lovely dinner date with Alana Duskwalker, that went well. Don't need to rehash that. But I mean, well you're right, the memories will be there forever. It was hot. Singed into your skin. (Laughter) We had a lot of hot showers. Jasper, you as Merrick met a lovely lady who gave you a bottle of, well technically gave Una to give to you a lovely bottle of liqueur.

Right, Merrick was a schoolboy basically who had to have somebody else do it for him. He was a child. That's my go-to move. Does she think I'm cool, can you ask? That's exactly what that was. It might as well have been a "do you like me, yes or no" note. But yeah man, you guys found out a bunch about the seal, you found out a ton of stuff, and that pretty much wrapped up your journey to Umineiro. I'd say it was a pretty successful one. So the only thing left is for you to, unless there's something else you'd like to do in the city before you leave, is pretty much hit the road back toward Brightport.

Burn the place to the ground. This is going to be hard because it's in the sky. Yeah, that's a lot of fire. We've already made that exact joke. You have. Like that exact, like including the fall from the sky part, like we already did this. The only thing we've got to talk about is air density or oxygenation or something. Oxygenation, that's what it's called in Faria. Have I been drinking? I think this is water. So we woke up, just to clarify, we woke up on the morning that Ordon took off, we had a little meeting with him, and that was where we kind of ended things, right?

Yes, that is where. Okay. So are we just all standing in the living room of the hotel room thing? Yeah, you've been staying there for like three, four weeks, like it's been... Just on fucking hibernation mode? AFK? They're really worried about us. They just go by dusting us off occasionally, like we still have a fucking episode. They danced in front of us hoping for something to happen. Another bottle. No, I think we're, I mean, at least for Marek, he's kind of wrapped up everything he needs to do in Uminyura, so I think it's time to get on the road unless anybody they want to say goodbye to.

I mean, Una probably wants to have a little time with, you know, Duskwalker. It's funny. I figured. I figured that's why I carved out a good half hour or so of game time today. I figured tonight was us sort of in the background. This was really an Una, Duskwalker moment. Okay, so Una's just going to pick up her bag and then just like head on towards the little portal thing. The email is dandrfanfiction@gmail.com. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, let's just pack up and go. Like we got to get back on the road. Let's do that. Everybody is going to grab their things and slowly make their way out outside of the city.

They yeah, your wagon, everything is fine. Who would like to do me a favor and roll a flat d20? Don't fuck this up. Oh, my God. Okay. I just put the die. I just put a virtual die back down on the table when you said that. I'm going to do it again. Okay, we'll do it again. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's twelve everybody at home. Twelve. That's a baker's dozen. I'm a dad. Not a baker apparently. Dumb baker. Jesus. Fucking Izzy takes it very seriously. You have far more baking cred than I do. I know that. So you guys are going to hit the road and start moving south toward Old Mar.

This okay. The journey back is going to take a little bit, obviously, if you were to. And I'm guessing here that you're just doing like minimal stops, like camping at night. Just just trying to get back to the city. Still going to take you. Let's see from moving here to Brightport. Still going to take you a good two and a half, three days. As long as we're being careful. That's all that matters. Right. Yeah. Set up watches. Lookouts while we're driving. I'd rather it take another half a day or more if it means that we have to, you know, get off the road in a safer area that we might notice or something like that.

Alright. We could do that. So your first day on the road is going to go relatively smoothly. Again, the rain washed things out days ago. So there every once in a while there's there's like heavy down branches or a tree or something like that that this people don't usually go this way. So it'll probably stay that way for a couple of weeks unless you guys are going to stop and move them for other people. Otherwise, you just go around and like, you know, you probably got stuck in the mud a couple of times, something like that. Nothing, nothing terrible. No broken wagon wheels, no no attacked by creatures or anything like that.

So things going relatively smooth so far. That's great news. Yeah. How's Brightport? You'll find out in a couple of days. I imagine. So, OK, during your first day's travel, you're going to get, I'd say most of the way toward Altmore, almost almost like three quarters there. Some of that. But Nightfall is going to set in. Are you guys just camping? We're going to set a ring of fire around our campsite. That sounds so warm. It sounds like it's going to attract a lot of stuff. So, yeah, let's do that. That's the thing. We're being incredibly careful, like to make sure that we are being that we're leaving as little bit of a track as possible.

We're staying on the track so that it doesn't look like we've I don't know. I'm just saying all the things that we do that should be very safe. But yeah, we're going to camp and we're just going to have lots of sex, lots of lots of sex. And then let's get back on the road. That's what stays at all more. You guys sound very paranoid today. Do you know that? Look, I'm just trying to get back to Brightport and I do not want there to be a bandits rest issue. We just got our hair done. We look so good. We can't waste it on these people. Fitship and mail. Like, Merrick's got new nice white and blue robes and a tunic.

It could be red and blue robes if you want. Yeah, it's true. With all the blood. The white seems like a poor decision. That's actually true. In hindsight. Any character who's an adventurer. Yeah, anyone who gets white on their on their like adventurer's gear. I'm always like, I wonder how long that would stay white. He wants it to become brown, but he wants it to like fade. Right, right. It has to look like a relaxed fit. Distressed. So I imagine you guys are setting up camp. You're going to get everything ready here. That's a pretty lengthy day on the road. So this is it's probably good that you're stopping to get a little rest.

Julie would hop out and try to set up camp and stuff like that because she's had some experience doing that. Kind of make things as comfy as possible while still pulling up stakes in the morning very quickly. Because obviously speed is of the essence. You've made that very clear. At a certain point, I think Brig would want to pull Thanos aside if she'd be willing? Yeah. Thanos would probably just follow her wherever. OK, because the last... She already knows Una's kind of pissed. And I'd imagine there is a there's a certain point like trying to try to talk to her about that and trying to see things a little optimistically about the seal and the gods and everything like that.

Because like, Brig would know that for Una that's a very touchy subject. She was kicking a wall last time that they talked about it. But Thanos seemed to be taking it a little like a little better. Right. So she'd pull her aside at one point, kind of away from everybody, not like sneaking away, but just, "Hey, do you have a second?" Thanos would follow her and she kind of looks a little bit out of it. Like normally when she's just sitting there quietly, she would just be like glancing out at the fire or whatever. But for the past, since they left the library, she's kind of been looking down and more thoughtful than usual instead of just pissy.

Right. Usually pissy is the word. She's usually very pissy. How are you taking things? She's going to shrug. Because she's Thanos. Fine, I guess. Are you going to do it? She kind of for Aurora Brow. Do what? Let them out. If it's real? She's going to kind of run a hand through her hair just like, "Fuck, I don't know." Just kind of like that's a heavy question. Honestly, I don't know. I've talked with Una about it quite a bit, but that is a big decision. What do you think about all of it? I don't know. She's going to shrug again. The whole point of all of this was so that I get stronger and then we go and find him.

But this seems really big. You know, there was someone I was after for a long time. And I don't want to compare situations. Because I'll be honest, I don't really know you or how you grew up. But I get the whole wanting vengeance thing. I do. But sometimes bigger things kind of get put on your plate and you have to deal with that first. It also sounds like he might be looking for you anyway. So it might be good that you're traveling with friends. Yeah. Remember when I asked you if you hid the fact that you were a Sion? Yeah. Where I come from, if they found out about you, they'd lock you up and study you.

That's how I grew up. Is that what happened to you? She's going to nod and kind of clench her fist. There's this big fucking war, right? I didn't know anything about it. I don't even know how old I was when they took me, but that's what everything there is about. No matter what you do, it's about the war and getting weapons. So that's what I was. Until my teacher came and he was able to convince them to let me go. And then he tried to make me a person again. And then she's going to look up at Bree. It didn't work for long. Bree's going to kind of bend down just a little bit.

Not like panderingly like a kindergarten teacher or something like that, but just kind of like she wants to kind of like hunker down a little bit. Is that why you ended up leaving? The aunt is going to let out a big sigh and then wrap her arms around herself and nod. I didn't have a choice. When they found out, they thought that I was the one who did it. What he did. Because there's no fucking way there are two psions, right? And then she's going to kind of let out a little chuckle because talking directly to a psion. And I had to go. But I had to... And it seems like she can't find the right words like her head's racing and she's just going to rub her face very frustrated.

He killed the only good man I know. And children. And I have to make sure that kind of evil can't keep existing. There's no hope if that kind of evil can exist, right? Bree would kind of reach a hand out and try to put it on like Thanatos's arm. I found out I had these, this whatever it is. When I was a little bit younger than you. And my dad worked really hard to make sure no one would find out about it because he was afraid that people wouldn't know what to do with me. They would treat me different or worse. And we lived pretty normal for years. I guess I'm really lucky in that sense.

Do you remember I told you that I wanted to... That I was chasing someone? Yeah. Well he killed my father. And he did a lot worse. But that's all I could focus on for years. That's still... Every time I throw a punch. Every time I try to defend myself or get into a fight. I'm thinking about that moment. And it was a long time before I trusted anyone else like I trusted him. So I think I understand where you're coming from. I know how hard it can be. So if there's anything I can do to help. Just let me know. I don't want to let go of it. I want to be angry. And I want to keep what happened to me from happening to anyone else.

After my dad died I pretty much went into isolation. I didn't want to be around anyone else. I didn't want to lean on anybody else or even talk to anyone else. I got really lucky. I met a couple of really good people who took me under their wing and taught me how to focus. And trained me how to use my powers. I don't know how much practice you have. But maybe I could teach you how to focus at least. And tell you what I know. Though I mean... To be honest you look like you can hold your own pretty well. Vantis will nod. If there's time I guess I'd like to know how you do it.

I want to be stronger. We'll find time. You want to rejoin everybody else? She'll nod. And she'll stand back up and try to wrap an arm around her. We'll try and have dinner. Just forget about all this. At least for tonight, okay? Yeah. Well speaking of dinner, Merrick definitely picked up some supplies before leaving Numero. Just whatever he could find that would be like "Oh you can't find this everywhere." Like some grape mushrooms and things like that. He's making a really nice paprika-y creamy mushroom soup for everybody tonight. I thought he was going to go on and be like "And then some biscuits." No, no, no.

Usually there's more description for the food. Sorry, I can. That was it. There was no second course? We're camping. Of course he's going to have a cheese plate for everybody. We're not heathens. No, of course not. One of the things he's going to make sure that everybody has a little taste of tonight is blue cheese with honey as well. A little bit of honey on the blue cheese because it's amazing that way. So he's going to have a little treat for everybody as a little cheese dessert. That's delightful. That's it. Uno will be on lookout practicing throwing her hammer and having it returned to her hand.

Hitting anything or just throwing it? Oh yeah, like hitting branches off trees and just generally smacking target practice. I would imagine that's something we don't talk about that much, but I would imagine that's something that is pretty prevalent. Like sharpening weapons and doing stuff. I would imagine you guys have to kind of be at a constant state of readiness, right? That's kind of one of the things that we want to talk to theatres about because we don't get a chance to practice much unless we're fighting. Again, a very lovely experience tonight.

The stars are out. It's nice and cool. It's not bad at all. So unless anybody wants to do anything else, we'll get back on the road. Oh, okay. Moving on. That was okay. So the next day you are going to pass through the town of Aldmoor and unless anybody wants to stop for anything, like probably just water or rations, something like that, you just hit the road and continue on. Yeah, let's keep going. We could stop by and talk to Drak or something, but there's no need. Nope, let's just keep moving. Let's see, around the road. By the time you reach... Oh boy, I'd say by the time you reach Fork in the Road between Aldmoor, Whitehedge, and Brightport, that's another evening.

Probably stop, make camp. That is day two. That will take you to the 19th of Thorim, guys. 19th of Thorim. Anybody want to do anything before we continue on? [Fart noise] Nope. Nope. More target practice, more being a lookout. Okay. At some point, I think Bree would probably pull Thanos aside and try to do this, like "hit this tree stump, hit this thing." Like that type of thing. And yeah, we'll get more into that later, but right now just know that it's happening in the background. The third day, you guys are on the road. Again, taking it pretty slow. I would say by the time you hit... it is past sunset, but I would imagine you guys aren't going to stop a couple hours outside the city.

You're probably just going to push forward. Yeah, we're so close. I mean... Oh, fuck. No, we're not going to do that. We're going to... I don't know. What's the right thing to do? Just set the entire land in front of... between us and the city on fire as we go. Just... I like that our solutions always involve fire. Always? Like always involve fire. It just seems like the safest thing to do. True. 20th of Thorim. You guys, it's going to be like 10, 11 o'clock at night somewhere in there. By the time you reach the city, you cross through the gates and make your way back to House Dragonkeep.

Now, boy, everyone do me a favor. Roll a... Your fuck's check? No, go ahead and roll a streetwise check for me. I think I have weirdly good streetwise. Yeah, I do. That's sweet. 33. Oh, that's five. Whoa, Jesus. Okay. So, okay. Well, Jesus. Unanmerrik would probably give the download to the team. So while you guys were gone, a lot kind of happened. And you'd find a lot of this out... Tefia's dead. Dragonkeep is blown up. Not yet. Oh, fuck. So, okay. While you guys were gone, there was a bit of a brouhaha here at House Dragonkeep between a group that was staying here that you guys would know.

So group two was staying here while you were gone, and they got into a bit of a row with the Black Hand. Uh-oh. And Una and Merrik would, with that streetwise check, probably have some info on the Black Hand. Una, probably more so. Black Hand is a crime boss here in Brightport that has pretty much unionized a lot of the local thugs. Like, they are heavily loyal to this person. And group two, through some means, kind of crossed her path, and they actually just left. They took one of Tefia's ships and they were sailing to Talor. So you guys would know all of that just through staying here at Dragonkeep.

Now, David would probably tell you some of this. Tessia's not in the city right now. She actually flew west. She's going to be staying in Esterholt and speaking with Jadzia. And there's a bunch of stuff. But she did leave. She left some info on that. Just like, "Oh, I'm going to be out of the city. Don't worry. Everything's fine. You're free to use the house. Try not to break anything." That type of thing. So maybe Jadzia told Tessia about Una and doors. I don't know. What would you guys like to do? Do you guys just want to wait it out for the night and pick up things the next day?

Or is there something you'd like to do that night? Merrick has nothing in particular other than just whipping up something in the kitchen. Just because he's so familiar with it. He'll make sure to ask David if it's okay. But other than that, I feel like after three days on the road, just crashing feels right. Is it too late to hunt down what's-his-name? Barden? Oh, Barden? No, Barden's around. Barden Amdyr, who will be your guide and the person getting your ship together and such. No, I don't think that would be too late at all. I think he'd be hanging out, because you guys were supposed to be back by now.

It took a little longer to get back than he figured, but yeah, he's probably still prepping ships. You'd probably find him in a bar. Alright, let's go to a bar. As everyone's settling in, putting stuff down, unpacking whatnot, Una will turn to everyone and be like, "Hey, I'm going out to find what's-his-name, ship person." Barden. Ship Dwarf. Ship Dwarf. Anyone want to come? It'll probably involve drinking. Eyebrow waggle. Fuck it, yeah. Let's do it. I could use a drink. Anybody else? We'll also be down. Sure. Alcohol. That's right. Dantos is too young, so let's get a babysitter for her.

Oh my god, that would be a great spinoff. Yeah, leave me here. Do what you want. Leave me here without supervision, it's fine. Wait, Tessia's gone too? Yeah, you guys have fun. Remember those stairs that I didn't get to go up? Let's go. You know, Una's right. We don't have any time to waste here. We should probably go find Barden and at least let him know we're here, ask him if everything's on track, and then we could come back and crash and then get started after a late morning. Dantos will wave goodbye to you as you head to the bar. No. She's coming with us.

I like how that's a threat now. Yeah, basically, yeah, let's get our things. Dantos, get your stuff. Whatever you feel like you need. Let's go. We're going drinking. Let's go. David, we'll be back in a little bit. David, leave the door locked, but give us a key. David just breathes a sigh of relief, puts away the leash. He had a dagger behind his back. Oh, thank god. He put child blocks on all the doors while you just... I thought you married fit really high. Yeah. In the kitchen, Merrick's like, David, why can't I open any of these cabinets? I don't understand.

Dantos crawls out of one like, yeah, why can't you? Kalincias gnaws at all the doorknobs. So across town here, there's a bar called the Stout Adventure. You guys may remember it from when you and Orden went there to find Barden in the first place. And that would be where he is. You would definitely find him there. Again, a lot of undesirable dwarves here. Kind of thuggish dwarves, but they see you coming this time. Specifically, I feel like, specifically, Bree and Dantos, due to the events last time, they would probably be like, hey, hey, hey, and kind of like getting someone's attention.

And the bar would go from like, rah rah rah rah, that kind of background noise, just like everybody kind of chit-chattering and murmuring and glasses clinking. And then that would start to die down as you guys enter the bar. And then just kind of like a little pointing and someone leaning over like, fucking gang members are there. Just whispering. And then they'd go back to kind of chattering a little lower. No one's going to get up to come get in your face or anything like that, but they definitely take notice that you've entered. Is there a free table that would fit all of us?

Barden sits alone in the back, like he was last time. No, last time he was on a date, I remember. Well, he was eating dinner. Oh, I thought he was with someone. No, he was just kind of eating dinner by himself. Was the dinner not his date? I mean, he could make sweet, sweet love to his dinner. I don't know. It depends on how much he likes food. But yeah, there's plenty of room to sit down. As they walk by, Thanos is going to kind of like, thrust her chest out like, "Yeah! Yeah, come at me!" Merrick is going to shoot her. Shoot her. Shoot her. You know what? No, I've had enough.

Crossbow ball. He's just going to shoot her a glare like, "Mm-mm, not here. Not tonight." She's going to do a little half thrust at him like, "Come at me, bro." And then suck her lightly on the back of the head. She has a callus back there. She's fine. I would like to see if there's a table that we could set up shop for just a little bit. Instead of going too bored and standing around him for a moment. I would say if he sees you guys, he'd welcome, "Well, how was your trip?" I forgot that's what his voice sounded like. Yep. Went fantastic and we got what we needed.

Looks like we're actually just about ready to take off, so we wanted to come find you. Is everything on track? Yep. Pretty much got things set up a couple of days ago. Some other things were a little harder to find than others due to recent activity at the Ducks. Mm, well, that's Brightport, right? Oh yeah, everything's taken care of. You took a little longer than I thought you would. Yeah, we took our sweet time, but it was successful, let's put it that way. Oh, good for you. Well. Wanna have a seat? Well, if you'll let us join you. Otherwise we can find our own way.

Ah, no, no, no. And he is going to shout down the table, "Hey! Get the hell out!" And there's gonna be a couple of dwarves sitting at the other end of the table. And he's like, "All right, geez, don't be a dick." And they're gonna get up and move away and he's gonna kinda gesture, "There you go!" Great. I don't know why. I pictured a booth instead of one of the space tables. I don't know why. Also there's a jazz singer and a really... Yeah, who is also a dwarf male but wearing a sexy sequined dress. Wow. Da da da da da da! Singing a song called "I Got My Rocks Off" in Brightport.

Oh, God. There's a new t-shirt. Let's do a postcard. Oh, yeah. There does need to be a new round. So as Merrick is sitting down, he'll try to catch the eye of whoever would be coming around to serve any sort of drinks or whatever. And then he'd just sort of give him the two-finger "Hey, over here" kind of thing. Right, yeah. What? What is that? What? What? What was that? The two-finger "Hey, over here"? No, sorry. Yeah. Is that a thing? Continue. Is that a bad thing? No. Were you thinking about him fingering the waitress? Yeah! He just caught their eye and I was gonna make a little flirting joke and then he said, "Give him the two-finger," and then my brain automatically went through and was already in that route.

It's a little forward. It's a bold move. You get drinks, though. Merrick grabs her pussy. She'll let you too. Yeah, you can get away with it. You're famous. It doesn't matter if it's a girl or a guy. He'll grab whatever pussy he can find. It's a cat running through the table. Sure. Sure. [meowing] Oh, boy. So, uh... I'm equal points entertained and sad. Then we're doing our job. Okay, cool. So, yeah, Barton would kind of, like, as they're taking drink orders and stuff, "And a round of meatballs for the table." Ooh. Merrick's gonna, at the server, say, "Excuse me, I have a question about the menu.

Do you have anything... I don't eat any meat. Do you have anything that is not vegetarian at all?" So... I know where this is going, but that's why I did it. That's always the best answers to begin with. So... This is a dwarf. This is a... Oh, I know. I know. Yeah, no, okay. I know. He has to do it. Yeah, okay. He's being intentionally close to really obtuse. No, I am, but Merrick is. Right. He's not being a dick. He's just... This is my reality, where I say, "Excuse me, I have a question about the menu. Do you have anything... I don't eat any meat." So Merrick's doing the exact same thing, completely genuinely.

Spinach artichoke dip, anything? Oh, my God. Jalapeno poppers, anything? To them, it's like coming out as gay in the South in the 50s. Like, this is very... It's just like, fucking, what? You don't eat meat? Like, are you really? Are you broken? Are you okay? Like... And after... This dwarf would be very cordial. But there is... Do me a favor and roll an insight check. Okay. Okay, so if... Merrick would just be picking up a, like, ever so slight, like, judginess. Thanatos would be picking up like, "Oh, no, you just fell ten rungs down in this person's judgment of you." It's like, "Oh, sure, let's get a salad for the lady at the table here." And just very, very much that.

Wow. That's cool. So, Merrick picks up on a little bit of disdain in some way, right? Or something. He will try to turn this around and he's gonna say, "No, no, no, no, do you have, like, a huge hunk of cheese? Like, just your best cheese. I just want a hunk of cheese." They're all lactose intolerant. Dwarves and dwarves. And this, yeah, they get you a big hunk of cheese. And a plate of meatballs for the table. Because they're meatballs. Oh, the meatballs here. The salad pressure. Are dwarves Italian? No, I picture... Okay, if we're blending culture appropriation here, I would say, like, part Italian but part Swedish?

Like, Ikea meatballs. Like, I don't know. I picture that. It does. It's the high bar. It's the high bar for that. No, it's just the very good meatballs, though. That's just the thing you hear about. Terrible, terrible meatballs, but amazing furniture. Yeah, they... Oh, man. Craftsmanship of a dwarf? Absolutely. They just also like meatballs. Santa's gonna do that thing that shitty kids do, and me, where she grabs one and throws it in the air and catches it in her mouth. Or at least tries to. And I don't care if she catches it or not. You know what? If a bunch of people see that, they're gonna be determined to also do that.

Oh my god. Let's have a little fun. Hold on a second. Let's roll... I'm sorry. Let's roll a dexterity check. Oh, boy. I'll tell you what. 15 or higher, you nail it. Okay. Come on, come on. Oh, nice. So, Santa's gonna toss this little meatball in the air and just like, boop, catch it. Like a circus seal. Just trained. Just like, boom, just catch it. You made it a lot less cool with your... Like a trick that's very well practiced. And just... Kaluna, does Kaluna want to try? Yeah, Kaluna's eyes are gonna light up and they're gonna be like, "Oh, hell yes." And it's going to go so poorly I know it.

No! Nice! You both nail it. Wow. I hope you guys know this means that Una's gonna be throwing meatballs at your mouths for the rest of the night. Oh yeah, Kaluna is down. Because Kaluna was just going to stuff their mouths with meatballs anyway. Kobe! Do I have to or are we all just gonna agree and move on? Listen, I knew this joke was coming. Hey! So, Barden, after everyone gets some drinks and some meatballs and salad in them... Hunk of cheese. Hunk of cheese, sorry, yes. That was just Jason shining through right there. That was actually not the same for Mary.

That was Jason against Jasper. No! You and I have shared a delicious package of circus peanuts together. And we've eaten. By the way, did we get drinks? Yes. Oh yeah, yeah. They arrived with the meatballs. Santa's got her drink too, right? Dwarves don't care, they'll serve a child. Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. We will not let that happen. Listen, Kaluna, we should. I'm gonna get riggity-riggity wrecked. Look, she can have some of the special liquor when we're about to die. She does not get to drink in a pub full of dwarves, who we already know she does not have a best track record with.

Kaluna will do that cool uncle thing, where they're like, "Here, you can have a sip, go ahead." Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. They love a little chugging, they want some of that. But if she gets drunk drunk really quickly, she's gonna kinda pass out or be kinda incapacitated and she's gonna sleep for... I like to imagine this conversation is actually happening. Oh, that's what I'm trying to do. Kaluna and I are both trying to grab her cup at the same time. Her hands are on the base like, "What am I?" Look, we can drug her later. Oh, fair. We don't need to...

Fine, okay. Fantos, you gotta keep it... gotta keep it pretty light tonight, okay? Nope. You gotta keep it light. No drinking. None. Julie would chime in, "Are we seriously debating on whether the child can have a drink?" To her, it's like... By virtue of the fact that I don't know which side you're on. No, okay. The fact... she's like, "Are we serious? Like, whether the child can have alcohol is what we're debating." To her, it's like, "No, she can't." But she's looking at everyone and is like, "Are we insane? Is this really a thing?" Kaluna's going to give a little...

How does Bart have a feel about this? Oh, dwarves don't care. Dwarves will serve a child, like I said. They're just like, "Yeah, you should have a drink." Listen, Marek is actually going to say he's going to be looking... his eyes are going to be looking at Fantos, but he's going to be speaking to everybody else at the table. He's going to say, "You know what? I think Fantos has earned a drink after all she's done for us, and after all of the fighting and all of the... whatever. We've had to go on... Sorry, I screwed up. Whatever we've gone through over the past several weeks.

I think you have earned a drink." Yeah. She's doing a snack. I've gotten plenty. You've earned more. Muttering into her drink. So here's some crystal meth. Okay, well... I thought that you'd do it at home. I thought the snack was heroin. Oh, I just... I just make them shit up. So, Barton would be hearing this. "Um... didn't you say this trip was dangerous that you're preparing to go on?" Yeah, I would say probably the most dangerous thing that's ever happened on Theria, but sure, yeah. "Well... in my culture, it's appropriate to have a celebratory drink before such an occasion.

I could buy a round for everybody if you're interested." Fantos is nodding. Like, because it became a controversial thing, now she wants it more than ever. Luna also nods. Just like, "Yes." Go ahead. No, no, no, go ahead. I was just gonna... real quick aside. Kids, if you're listening to this on the school bus or whatever, don't drink. It's bad. Okay, go. Yeah, this is fantasy. Yeah. I guess we're gonna get drunk after this? Sure. Okay, cool. I thought you might plan tonight. Yeah, I'm telling them we're gonna go to Shrink with her. We talked about it earlier and I kind of want to, so...

Merrick's gonna look at Una and nod like, "Yeah, come on. Come on. Everybody." Una will drain the rest of her beer and just plop it down on the table and then just kind of lean over to Merrick and be like, "Hey, okay. I'm actually fine with her drinking, but also she's a fucking scion and she's not really got that control over herself yet, so..." Merrick's doing like the... ...drunk. Maybe not the best. Yeah, Merrick's doing his hand thing like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." And he's saying, "No, no. I got this. I got this. I hear you.

Totally. Totally. I got this." And then Merrick is going to sort of lean towards Thanos and say, "Look, if you drink, you can't fight tonight, right?" Yeah, promises. Those work with drunk people. Right? You're cool, right? This is gonna be cool. Thanos is just gonna kinda nod and do like a half shrug like, "I wasn't planning on fighting, were you?" No, yes, but I've gotta get your promise here. Okay. You can drink, but you can't fight. What happens if she does start a fight? I'll put her down. What if someone tries to fight you? Like, this is a conversation now?

No, you can't. You are out of commission tonight. If you drink, then you are just, you put yourself up on a shelf. You're done. If you don't drink and somebody starts fighting, then we'll see what happens. But if you drink, you gotta put everything away. Is that clear? Is that cool? You got it? She'll nod. Okay. Drinks all around. And he's gonna look over and be like, "Yeah, see?" It'll just shrug and just loosen her hammer a little bit in its sheath so it's just ready in case any shit should go down. But then, yeah, she'll be fine with it. She'll down them with the rest of them.

Question. Just for later roleplay, are there any shelves in the establishment? Do you mean like for bookshelves? Just shelves. Shelves would be in a bar all over the place? Yeah. Just in case a fight goes by. Just in case a fight breaks out, Fantos is gonna need to know where to go. Put herself on a shelf. Oh my god. Fantos on a shelf. Oh man, people putting a little Fantos out to freak their children out and ruin them forever. Side work. Fantos on a shelf. Fantos on a shelf is the worst thing. It is. It really is. It's right up there. Put this monitor in your car so you can see where your kid goes all the time.

So, Barden would just, after this has all been worked out, Alright! and he would slam his palm down on the table. And the waiter's gonna appear again. Round of blackout for the table. Oh Jesus, Josh. Is this like the Therian version of fucking Jaeger? Well, you guys know that the dwarves and orcs are a warring people, and fighting is not the only competition they're into. Because Skull Splitter, in Theria, has been the gold standard for getting blackout fucked up in terms of alcohol, and the dwarves did not take a shine to that. So, they created something with a slightly higher alcohol content.

Oh no. Let's go! Do we know that? I would say no. This is relatively new, unless you knew a lot about dwarven culture. It was. You know what? Go ahead. I feel like I know my drinking pretty well. Well, you've never had this, so it'd be like, "I've never had this." Maybe just a question would do it, but like, 27. I'd say with that, you would know that that is definitely a new product. It comes straight from the Stone Thunder Mountains. It gets its name, as you might... Yeah, streetwise wasn't really necessary. It's called Blackout. Well, okay. Yes! Because you break it when it's dark outside, and it's blackout.

I think you use it to explode mountains. It's an explosive. It's what sunders the stone, let's just put it that way. Well, it gets its name...okay, here's the thing. Yes, it gets its name blackout because you blackout while drinking it, and that is the goal. And it is the goal...okay, not just humans and stuff like that. We're talking...this is something dwarves drink to just forget the night previous. This is hardcore shit. And on top of that, there's an expression basically within the mountain that's like, "Oh, I want to blackout so hard." "I want to blackout just blacker than the deepest cavern." "I want to forget everything." That type of thing.

So, this eventually, after it was sort of beta tested in Stone Sunder for a while, it's just now making its way out. And you can't get this in Esterholt or something like that. It's here because this is a dwarven bar. This has been imported. Should we hire someone to babysit us? That's who Barden is! He's gonna Shanghai us under our own ship? Totally. This is great. This is great. This is perfect. Because we have the...it's like going to a foreign country and staying in a city with a friend who already lives there and knows what to do. You don't have to worry about it.

Basically, we're there. Barden's got us. We can just... Don't look anyone in the eyes. Go for it. Let's just go for it. Yeah! I'm fine with cutting a couple weeks out of our journey by waking up halfway through it. [Laughter] Are we gonna cheers? Are we gonna fuckin'... I round for the table. Here we go. I would like everyone. Everyone who is drinking. Yes. I'm gonna ask you to roll an endurance check. With a negative seven. Okay! Whoa, but the cheese is like a plus five. That's just a black E20 for me! But we ate before drinking. We ate a lot. I'm taking that into account.

Oh my god. Oh, bald! Okay, here we go. I'm just rolling a flat E20 because my endurance is plus seven. Ready? My endurance is literally my lowest stat. Oh wait, no, I lied. Besides acrobatics. Oh, boy. Kiddos. I'm closing my eyes. Oh, fuck! Oh my god! I'm negative for being a lightweight. I'm literally negative. Here's the thing. Bree wouldn't want to drink. This is something that like... Don't have her drink because then she'll lose her last moments with a live me. [Laughing] Fine, we have a really, really drunk fuckin' person that can heal you. Oh. Julie. Let's do Julie.

Oh, Julie. What's your... What's... What's... What is even up with you? Where are you? Um... Oh, they changed the table and it's killing me. So for the record for the people at home while we're doing this, I got a ten. Matt got a twelve. Izzy got a negative one. Hey-o! And Merrick got twenty-four minus seven. I don't want to do the math. Hold on, we have calculators. Seventeen, right? Seventeen. Yeah, seventeen. Maybe it's thirty-five. So Merrick's doing the best, then Kaluna, then Santos, and Una's dead. Did the fucking skull splitter I drank that one time like remove my liver from my body?

This is just a thing. You just can't handle your alcohol. Clearly. God damn it, man. Alright, this is Julie. Real life nation. Oh, boy. Why don't you give it a fuckin' crit, bitch? Gimme gimme gimme. That ain't a crit. Hey! Oh, boy. She got a one, everybody, so we have a one and a negative one from the On Halata clan. That was a bad idea. Who wanted to do this? She really wrecked! I don't feel like...Brie wouldn't want to drink. Like, that's just not...she doesn't drink. Like, she doesn't like it all that much. What forms are she doing? She can hold up- I think Brie needs someone who's not Barden.

Oh, yeah, Barden should roll. Do you wanna do that? I don't know. I mean, is he enjoying it? So Barden's exactly on the same level as Marek. Yeah. They're dignified drunks. So, running this down, Kaluna 12, Thanos 10, Una negative one, Marek 17, Julie 1, Brie wouldn't drink. So, as it stands now, Kaluna...there's a definite buzz going on for Kaluna. Hell yeah. Marek, Marek, Barden would feel, like, relaxed. Like, a little tipsy, a little shaky, something like that. Swimming. A little swimming, yeah. Una and Julie are fuckin' smashed. Hammered. And Thanos is just this side of, like, probably too relaxed.

Probably, like, that type of... Brie, like, think, like, three, three, three and a half drinks in for you. Okay. Like, something like that. So she's giggling at jokes she's not actually saying out loud? Right. Gotcha. Yeah. And Barden would continue kind of talking business, kind of talking shop here. Alright, so. We should be set up for the trip. Got a ton of supplies. Everything should be nice and cozy for the most part, though. I know you're in a hurry. I still feel like we should take it as slow as we can the closer we get to Kian. Why? Una's just under the table.

Blah. Am I still conscious? Can I still, like, talk? Oh yeah. Yeah. She'll just tug. Yeah, she'll be under the table and she'll tug his pants like and just go "Why?" Well. There's a hell of a lot of ice up there, little lady, so we're gonna try our best not to run aground. Don't wanna crash before we get to the actual continent. Una will crawl out from under the table, like holding onto the edge of the table for, like, support. And just kind of like flop her, like, elbows up onto it next to Barden. Synon's lap. Synon's lap. Synon's lap. Does he have a beard? I'm assuming he has a beard.

Oh yeah, he's a dwarf. Every good dwarf has a beard. So she'll like twirl a finger in his beard and just say "I'm not a little lady." Is Bree gonna step in? I, okay. This is what... I feel like Bree should step in. Let me tell you about Bree's week. Oh no. This has been a tough week for her, and she doesn't want to be... she doesn't want to be clingy girlfriend or whatever, but at the same time she has watched Una flirt and have dinner with and... People who aren't her. And it's just about this time, it's like, okay. And she's gonna, she's gonna kind of just kind of maybe put, put an arm or it's like, okay, let's just let's just kind of like gently guide, you know, the thing you do with drunk people.

It's like, yeah, okay, let's maybe... Maybe back up. Can Santa start waving her hand in the air and go, "I want to touch his beard too! I want to touch his beard too!" And then just reach over before getting an answer over the table, half climbing on it to reach his beard. Oh, God. I guess? How offensive is this? It's kind of like playing with the minotaur's horns. You just, you don't, you know, it's that kind of thing, like tugging on a tiefling's tail or something. It's like, that's not something done in polite sight. Don't! He's just kind of like, "All right..." Like just kind of, kind of looking to Merrick like, "Why?" Colen is just giggling and leaning against whoever they're sitting next to.

Eric, you're the most sober one here, how about that? Santos, come here, I'm going to show you pictures of the twins. That's what he's saying, he's scrolling through his phone. Look, the reason we're hiring Barden, and Barden, we're really, really glad you're here for us, is because you know this stuff. We don't know this stuff and you're going to get us there. So however fast you want to take it, however slow you want to take it, it's all up to you. All up to you. Okay. Well, I do think it would be best, it would probably add maybe a day or two. Depends on the weather, of course, but I really do think we can get you there within your time limit.

Santos is still lying on the table. Like her head is on the edge of the table, her hair is dripping off of it into Barden's lap as she plays with his beard. I think you put your elbow in a meatball when you got on the table. I know, I know, it's a meatball. She's going to grab it and eat it. I'm just going to reach over Santos to get a meatball. This is making me highly uncomfortable. I just need to let you know, I've got a little thing about personal space. Don't touch me, don't touch me. Santos' eyes are going to go out and she's going to go, "Oh, okay, okay, sorry." And she's going to get down off the table like, "I totally understand, I do too, I do too." Oh my God.

And then she's going to point down, "I'm going to go under the table with Oona," and just slide down. Barden, Barden, Barden, Barden, you're my friend, right? We're friends. Okay, listen, I want you to get us there. We've got plenty of time, we've got a couple of things we've got to do. But you've got to get us to Qui An and we've got to leave like tomorrow. Like we've got to go, or like maybe the next day, I don't know. We'll figure it out tomorrow, but we've got to go like soon and you'll get us there and it's going to be great. And thank you. You're my friend, right?

Uh, yep. Everything's pretty much prepared, so we could take off tomorrow. I'm guessing the afternoon. Kind of like looking at you guys. Yeah, who can throw up right now? Santos is playing back and forth really into her hair. I thought you were under the table with me. I am. She's small. She can sway up and down. Just hitting her head lightly each time. Brie's going to start to like, we might want to go home and get some sleep then. So this has been a lot of fun. But we're having so much fun. We want some other fun. Yeah! We can just do a fist bump in the air, forgetting she's under the table and just punches the other side of the table.

Psionic, psionic punch. Man, I'm sorry. This is a flashback to being the sober person while other people are drinking. Yeah. Can Una pull Santos into a corner of the table and whisper drunkenly, aka shout to her? I don't see why not. Yes. Alright, so she'll just kind of pull her aside and be like, "Hey!" "Yeah?" "I'm really glad that you and Brie are getting along." "Do you too, Kif?" "Uh..." I'm trying to think of how drunk Una would respond to this and I don't think it's child appropriate. Do it! This is child appropriate, first of all. Yeah, that's fair enough.

You just gave vodka to a 14 year old. I thought she was 16. Isn't that what she lied to me and told me she was? Okay. So, I'm in the clear. Alright. Forget you're screaming this. So she'll just go, "Yeah, it's really hot! Watch!" And she'll just climb out from under the table and just be like, "Hey, hey, hey!" towards Brie. Oh god! [Laughter] But still kind of sexily, because she's like... She's really hot! She's really hot. She's got this down. I guess, but I also pictured finger guns when you did that. Like, "Hey!" I was doing finger guns. Yes! See, I thought it was a really intense eyebrow wiggle.

It was supposed to be more like a sexy eyebrow movement shimmy. [Laughter] You can call it a wiggle. Yeah, a sexy wiggle. Okay. Um, okay. You brought this on yourself. Now, kind of a look of exasperation like, "Heyyyyyy, but we should really get you home." "No good is going to come from this." We have a big- Santa's just watching intently from underneath the table. Because she was told to watch. [Laughter] Oh my god. So does Brie actually express that? Like, "We should get you home!" Yeah, kind of like, "Hey!" Do that thing where, like, wrapping armor, it's like, "Hey, yeah, we should maybe..." And again, trying to guide people, get people to stand up.

Alright, if an arm is being wrapped around her, she'll like, nuzzle into it. Like, you're gonna cuddle with someone, kind of. And just get comfy, like, "I'm not leaving." And she'll do that thing where it's like, you get to that weird point of drunkenness where you sober up for like, 35 seconds enough to sound like you know what the fuck you're talking about. Right. To, say, convince an officer or something. Yeah, exactly. Your parents, your roommates, whoever it might be. Right. And she'll just go, "Okay, I know this sounds weird, but Santos wants to watch us kiss, and I think she should see a healthy relationship in action." Like, there's definitely occasional, like, smiles and, like, giggles and stuff in there where it's like, not entirely convincing, but getting there.

She's also drunk enough to call this a healthy relationship. Right. She's, okay, especially after this trip to Manero, it's like, "Yeah, I would love to kiss you." You're making her watch as we do that? That's a little weird. But yeah, she would- She just is watching mouth slightly agape, like, "Uh." Not like, "I'm really turned on by this idea," more, "I don't remember how to close my mouth right now." So yeah, she would kiss you, but it would probably start out as more like a, "Mwah, okay, let's get-" So it would kind of be like, "Okay, maybe we should kind of get you home quicker than I thought," because you would not agree to this normally.

Alright, you know that scene in movies where it's like the two protagonists do one of those little "mwah" kisses, and then all of a sudden she gets real? Mm-hmm. So Una's gonna pull one of those, you know? It'll be like, "Yeah, wasn't that cute? Oh, no, mm, get over here." And she's gonna put like 110% of sexiness into this kiss. She's gonna try and make the entire bar wildly uncomfortable and enormously sexually aroused. Wait, is this still under the table? No. Okay, I missed that. No, Santa's under the table watching, they're out above the table. Nothing like over the top, you know, like no clothes coming off, but this is gonna be a sexy-as-fuck kiss.

Do me a favor, roll a charisma check. I think I've got that pretty- I've got okay charisma, right? That's like one of my better things. Oh, yeah. Okay. 15? This is not for Bree. Whoops. No, no, no. I mean the roll is not for Bree. She will, um, she's gonna kinda melt into it and kinda lose herself into it, kinda forgetting that everyone's sitting here. The bar is going to take notice. *laughs* There's gonna be- I'm being gay and there he is, okay. Um, in most places, yes. Didn't someone give Merrick a bunch of shit for wanting a salad earlier? Yeah, but that's different.

That's about eating meat. To be fair, we're two pretty hot ladies. Yes. Here's the thing. Think of the dwarves as a society of Ron Swansons. That'll give you a pretty clear picture of how they live their life. That's, uh, yeah. I actually really like that comparison. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I know what I'm about, son. *laughs* So yeah, they're gonna take notice and there's gonna be a couple of- just a couple of hoots from the front, like from the front door, like somewhere in that region. Like, ooh, something like that. 'Cause they don't- it's not like a whistle or something like that.

It's almost a growl, 'cause they're dwarves. Uh, Barden's gonna clear his throat. *clears throat* Well, um, I don't wanna be gauche here, but, uh- Um, Santa's going to interrupt him. And she's gonna point at Merrick and go, "Now you kiss Barden!" 'Cause she thinks she has magic kissing powers. Barden's eyes are gonna- yeah. Barden's eyes are gonna- Barden's like so been waiting for this. Barden's gonna lick his lips. No, um, Barden's gonna come out holding it and he's like, "Please don't." And Merrick's gonna look slightly offended, just for a second.

Alright, now I get it. They're just gonna fall back laughing and then it's gonna go slowly quieter and it's almost certain that she fell asleep. And then it's just gonna sort of pat Merrick's face. And they're just gonna say, comforting shit, and no one's like, "It's okay. It's okay. I'll kiss you, it's okay." Thank you. Thank you. Roleplaying drug people is really fun. Um, well, yeah. Wait, Merrick. It'll break away from this kiss very- not suddenly, but just like- I would love for it to be immediately like, "Wait, Merrick." Just a string of saliva, like in anime.

Yeah, and Bree's still into the kiss, so it's like, "Wait, what?" Like it's kind of one of those deals. Um, she'll go, "You haven't kissed anyone in like a long time." Yeah. I think this is a good one. Should we like find you somebody? No. No. I've got a girlfriend. You know that? What? She lives in Canada. You don't know her. She lives in Canada. Yeah, she's from Umineiro. You would never have met her. But I did meet her. Except for that you're the only person who knows. Koleena's losing their shit like, "What?" Barden again is like, "You haven't paid me yet." This is too much shit for me to be dealing with unpaid.

Maybe he should have brought that up before ordering the blackout. You guys are under the impression you guys can handle your boobs better than what you're doing. I hope that she was in character there. As much as well as he is though. That's true, yes. Um, okay so Merrick's gonna snap. He's going to use this as a great way to not have to pay attention to anything Una's talking about with girl stuff. Merrick, are you a virgin? And so he's going to completely ignore anything that Una's saying no matter what Una says. A 37 year old version I think. He was a werewolf for a while so like, I don't know if you get some.

Wait, do you have sex while you're in werewolf form and if so does that count as losing your virginity? Is that bestiality? Is that be-a-ting? What if it's another werewolf, is that okay? It's definitely not okay to fuck a wolf in any circumstance but like, I really want this to be in character. Well I thought this was really happening. My part of the conversation was they just woke up just to talk about the semantics of wolf fucking. No, she's still passed out. Oh okay. Merrick is going to deliberately be ignoring that Una is saying anything about any of this stuff.

And is going to say "Oh right, payment. We will, look when we get our stuff together after the night we're having tonight, at the ship we'll have everything for you when we arrive. Deal?" Yeah, it's um, just uh, you said you'd pay me when you got back and then you took a little longer than I thought you were going to. It's the first thing tomorrow. As soon as I'm up I'll make sure that it gets to you. We just got back. Kalluna's going to wave their hand like "We got this, we got this." Still speaking in elven though. And they're going to fumble around in all their pouches that they have on their belt.

And they're going to be like "No, this is a flower, this is a thing." Just trying to remember where they keep their money. This is a dried up lizard? You joke. We, Barta, we just got back and came straight out to find you to make sure everything was okay. And first thing tomorrow, as soon as everything's, as soon as we're up I'll make sure that we get everything together and find you. Is that okay? And, and, and, tonight's on me. Tonight's on me. Why don't we just pay him that? Do we have it now? It was not in character, I'm just wondering. Okay, okay. I was about to say, if it wasn't character it would have been more.

It's only like $10,000 or something, right? Ten thousand gold. Yeah, and I'm assuming that, you know, we left something back. Did we figure if we had that money? Sure. Okay, okay. Let me talk about this really quickly. Because I don't know what your plan was. We just forgot. We can't afford it. I don't know. So you left? I think we were gonna give Tessia the bill. We could probably give him the bottle. You guys are deadbeats. Did you know that? No, but guys, remember when we robbed Yennward's body? We have the money now. We didn't before. We were being terribly irresponsible and terrible.

Now we have money. Stolen money from a dead friend. That's fine. You got it. So okay, that'll cover about 8,000 gold, the stuff you picked up off of Yennward. And again, I don't know what the plan was before finding that, because you did not have that money. We were gonna sell our bodies. Yeah, we could probably fetch a good price. Just saying. Not Thanos. That's the line. Cool. I'm glad to know there is a line. I don't know. She might try and fucking sign up, just because she wants to be an adult. Not that, but if you tell her she can't, then it's... Then maybe.

Hey, I made 25,000 gold. Oh god, no. No. So, Merrick's gonna realize all of this. We're sort of talking about this out of game. Merrick's gonna realize, oh shit, the reason he's saying, yeah, totally, tomorrow, we'll totally get it to you. It's basically buying some time. He's gonna look at Una and he's gonna sort of... Come here for a minute. That was me with my mic, sorry. He's gonna motion for Una to just come forward. He's gonna lean forward. Alright, Una will just kind of lean in. Yeah, he's gonna say, "How much do you think you and Bree can make tonight in here?" Wow.

Una's face will light up. Like table to table. Like a couple thousand. That's all we need. Wow. How loud is this? Quiet? No, it was quiet. He's leaning in. See, Merrick could probably find it in him to be quiet. Oh yeah, I know. I'm actually probably playing him even more drunk than he is. He's truly trying to just talk to Una because he's like, "I don't know if this is a good idea." However, Una's response... Yeah, that's different. But no one hears the Merrick side of the conversation. So it's just a couple thousand? Yeah, that's it. *laughs* Yup. Oh my god. What is that?

Perception roll. I'd say most of this is just at a Breezier shot where it's like she's hearing every third word Merrick's speaking or something like that. But she really trusts Merrick, so I don't think she would think that... Why? I don't know. He's been all of Uminero fucking with her. That's a good point, actually. This is Desperate Times. We gotta pay our guy here. Wait, wait, wait. Did we? Okay, I'm confused because I did not pay attention because Kaluna wouldn't. Wait, that's funny. Yeah, like, did we get 8,000 off of the n-word? Yeah. How much money does Kaluna alone have?

Like three dead lizards and a piece of gold, maybe? 1,100 gold. Oh. Merrick has a good bit. I think we're covered? Una has 1,458. Oh damn. We can scrap it. I mean, we can scrape it together. Merrick has 1,664. Thanos has 60. Uh oh. You don't need to do that. That's because Thanos doesn't have, like... Yeah, you guys aren't paying me, so... This is my job. This is an unpaid internship, okay? You're getting experience. That's what Bree said earlier today. I did say that earlier today. You can put this in your portfolio. We're paying you in experience. So we could definitely scrape all this together.

Imagine if Rob Goldsolver mumbles about capitalism, falls back asleep. Seriously, Merrick asked that question to Una, though. Because he doesn't know. He doesn't know what everybody else has. Yeah, if Una is drunk enough that she, I don't think she'd be like, "Uh, no. We can just pay for that. Like, we have the money." So she would reach her arm back and kind of bring Bree into the little huddle. And just look at Merrick expectantly. Tell her. Tell her what your plan is. Well, look, we gotta... He's gonna stand up and pull them to the other end of the table away from Barden.

Kaluna falls over because they were leaning on Merrick. Just smack head on the table. We've gotta pay Barden a lot of money. We've got most of it. We just need a little bit more. And I was just thinking, it went over so well a little while ago. Maybe we could make a little money from... Maybe you could go table to table and kiss or something. I don't know. Bree's eyes are gonna narrow. Una will pat her on the face, but gently and lovingly. But a little bit drunk. She's like, "No, no, no, no. You start out classy. You start out classy. I grew up in a place like this.

You start out classy, right?" So first, we do a dance. Like a tango. Bree, can you tango? Do they have tangoing in Therian? What's the Therian equivalent of tangoing? Well, okay. Lumbada, lumbada. The forbidden dance. Forbidden dance. Here's the thing. Bree doesn't dance, firstly. And if she did, all this is like, "No." The entire idea is just like, "No. Why don't we just pay him with money?" Ahh. She's got a point, Una. This is a bad idea. Why did you even bring this up? I didn't bring it. It was your idea. No, totally. We've got this. We can scrape it together. That's a good idea, Bree.

Thank you for bringing that up. Alright, we're gonna pay him tomorrow. Bardon. We're gonna pay you tomorrow. We're gonna get everything together. And the whole round of blackouts on me. You notice that he's dropped down. He said, "Tonight was on me." Yes. That was very intentional. Una's gonna be pouting now, because she's like, "Well, now I'm in the mood to dance." Bree would go into damage control mode, just like, "Okay, we can dance at home. Come on, let's go dance. We'll dance at home. It'll be great." One, to get her out of the fucking bar, and two, to just like, "Well, I don't want to see her sad.

I just didn't want to whore myself out for the dwarves here. Just didn't want to..." Oh, rude. She doesn't even like showing half her face, let alone fucking. Okay, we should get out of this bar. We gotta get some people home, and Merrick's probably the most sober person here other than Bardon. So, with great sobriety comes great power. I don't know. Responsibility. Nailed it. So collecting the crew here, trying to get them... Una very sadly says goodbye to the bench and tells it how much they love it. Aw. Santos is still sleeping under the table, so whatever.

Bree would try to wake Santos up, just like, "Hey, slugger, come on, let's go." That type of thing. We'll sling Santos over her shoulders, but she will refuse to move a step if she's not dancing. Santos will kinda like move, and then just go back to sleep. We could do a conga line out the door if you want. *Laughing* Oh boy. These doors are just like, "Never again." So, you guys... you guys are leaving, going home, right? Yeah, we should get back to the house. Let me see something. Drunken fistfights, drunken fistfights. Uber or something? Or is there like a...

Everybody in the party, do me a favor. Roll a vomit check. Roll perception. With a negative five. No! Should I even? You're out! I'll sit back. Okay. Okay, that's a 19th me. That's a 26 for me. Damn, that's a variety, man. Well, my endurance is super fucking high. And Mac actually did things the right way, so... Yeah. That is for Bree, so that's a 23. That's one of her higher checks, actually. So, Merrick... Merrick, Bree, and Una are gonna hear footsteps behind them. 'Cause the streets are kinda deserted for the most part. It's still Brightport, so I mean, like, there are people still out and about, moving.

But you're noticing these footsteps are keeping... keeping kind of lockstep with yours after you left the bar. Alright, turn around. Pull out the ol' weapons. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Three dwarves. Three dwarves are gonna be standing in the street there. These were definitely dwarves that were watching you in the bar. Is there a fucking racket there? Trying to Shanghai us. God damn it. Well, this isn't Barden. This is just three dwarves. Yeah. They all know each other. They are going to... Now, they're holding weapons, right? Only one of them looks to be holding anything more sophisticated than, like, a broken, like, board.

Like, these guys are thugs. At best. And the guy in the lead is gonna hold out his broken board at Thanos. Hand her over and no one's gonna get hurt here. Una finally pulls out their totem. Took him a minute. Yeah. Merrick is just gonna... What's that? I'm just looking at my intimidation score. Merrick's just gonna... he's gonna smile and close his eyes and just shake his head like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." Did you say, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no?" Yeah. Like, he's like, "No, no, no, no." He's like, he's like, laughing at him. Like, "No, that's... no, no." He's gonna, he's gonna take one more step closer.

Look. That one. And he's pointing at Thanos. And that one. Uh, gonna point at Bree. Wrecked up our bar about a week ago. Now we know you got business with Barton. So we're gonna let you walk away tonight so he can get paid. But those two are coming with us. And we're gonna break their little hands for breaking up our bar. That's not nice. Can I roll an Intimidate check? You can. Bree's gonna start kind of like, just kind of getting ready. Alright. Um. Am I still carrying Thanos? I, yeah. I would imagine. Okay. Um. Una's gonna like, protectively carry her. So it's not just like, holding a sack.

It's like, gently holding a sack. Okay. A sack you really care about. A sack full of something that you don't want to drop. I would love Una to gently carry my sack. Aww yeah. Any day, baby. She's gonna go, "Wow. I am so sorry that you are so fucking stupid. You clearly have no idea who you're fucking with. So because you're clearly mentally challenged in some way or another, we're gonna let that slide and let you turn around right the fuck now." And then she vomits on him. Projectile blood. Like a fucking beauty. Roll an Intimidate check? Yeah, go ahead. 36.

Shit. Oh boy. Okay. The two behind the lead dwarf here are gonna start whispering back and forth to each other. And one of them's gonna point at Una. And then they're gonna kinda like, talk. And the lead guy's gonna like, throw an elbow back. He's like, "Hey. Shut up. You're making me look bad here. Just..." And he's gonna step forward. I like your confidence. But I have dealt with people like you before who come down to this part of town and they carry themselves real tough. And then they end up broken. So I'm gonna give you one more chance to hand over the kid and her and we can call this whole thing a wash.

Can I roll another Intimidate check? Yeah, sure can. But it's gonna have to be something a little more than just, yeah. I'm gonna pop my power that makes my eyes glow and shit. Okay. As you're doing this, Merrick is going to take over holding Thanatos. Like, "I got her. I got her." And basically let you step forward. Like, he's basically assisting your Intimidation. Sweet. I will unsheathe my weapon, obviously. It was already unsheathed, but I'm gonna brandish it. And just say, "Oh, believe me. You've never met anyone like me." And Intimidate check. It's probably gonna be like a 3. 19!

Alright! 37. At that point, these dwarves are gonna start reassessing. And they're gonna take a few steps back. Nine. What is that? Julie from behind... Did she fart or something? Fucking Christ! ...is going to vomit uncontrollably. Fucking Julie! Like, we're talking Wretch in such a fashion that she drops down to one knee and uses her hand to brace herself from falling down on the cobble stream. Pain bomb. Yeah, this is like kind of dry heaps. First it's like, "Splash!" And then it's, "I'm out of fuel, but my body isn't stopping." So she's just, she's not doing well.

"I'm out of me! I'm such a gopher!" Yeah, Kaluna would stumble over and kind of gracelessly drop to a knee and sort of pat her on the back like, "There they are!" Yeah. Is this like the Team America vomit scene? Yeah, it's bad. It's just kind of, it's very, very bad. The street just starts to fill with vomit. Yeah! There's just an infinite supply pouring out of it. It's just black out and meatballs. It's bad. Wow. So, these dwarves, while this is happening, they're not looking at that. They're looking at the fucking pally in front of them with the glowing eyes.

And they're going to start backing up. "You can't protect her forever. She'll be walking around here one of these days and we'll get to her." And they're going to, they are going to be backing up down the street though while they're saying that it's a little less threatening when they're retreating. Uma's going to take a few steps. She's going to start walking towards them as they back up. A little bit faster than they are backing away, so closing the distance just a little bit. Just to the point where it's a little freaky. Epilogue intimidation. And she's like, "What did you fucking say?

Did you threaten them?" I feel like they would just at that point just like, it's okay. So not threatening, but yeah, back up, run. Just move and accelerate. Yeah, maybe walk back into the bar very quickly and just kind of like shut the door and just yeah. If the bar has any windows or anything, does it have any windows? Oh yeah, it's a bar. Everyone is going to gesture at the windows and say, "I hope you all saw them fucking cowards!" They are going to get a beating tonight. Oh, come on. Oh boy. So! I'm assuming because I'm only slightly more drunk than Julius.

Yeah, I was, okay, here's the thing. We're going to roll a saving throw. 10 or above, you get to keep your, you get to keep your meatballs and blackout. Anything below that and that screaming is just going to be the final straw. Oh, just come back outside like, "Oh, I guess we're fine." Do me a favor, roll a slightly. If it does happen, throw up on the window. Alright, just coat the windows. And then draw a heart. The goddamn Onhelada clan is just terrible. Dude, I want to get served drunk! I will be hilarious! Can I at least manage to turn around before I'm drunk?

Yeah, I would imagine it's like, "Fucking, just run!" And then turn back to the party and then, "Blah, blah, blah." Yeah, just, just... Breathe with... Yeah. Just dragon-shouting at the street. I like to imagine, thousands of miles away, Seraph has just been offered a drink and he's like, "No, I don't drink." Oh, God. Bree would sweep in. I think she was concerned with Thanatos and then it's like, "Oh, God, they're dropping like fly." Or concerned with Julie and then just dropping like fly. So just move over to Una and just try to hold your hair back at least at first and then just rub her back.

It's like, "It's okay, it's okay, come on." Can I go sweep between vomits? Sure. I'm just gonna like, just between the dry heaves, just like, "Thank you!" God. Una's not a very good girlfriend. You know Bree's dying, right? Poor thing. At least I'm making her last day as interesting. Yeah. She'll have some stories. Oh, Lord. Let's assume you all get home now. Nobody else has to rule? You guys were the only ones who were that drunk. Like, that drunk. Fair enough. Like a level of drunk that's like, you shouldn't be. Ever. I imagine people pass out. Like they're gonna get some rest.

They're gonna wake up the next day. Una would like to have another drunk conversation with Merrick. It seems to be becoming a thing. Where's Than- should- it should- no, yeah. Merrick's gotta keep Than-toes because nobody else is gonna be able to do it. Okay, so Than-toes is passed out and Merrick's basically holding a sack of Than-toes. Yeah, basically. You're holding the Than-toes sack. I imagine she was half awake through some of that. Like, enough that like, slowly her limp hand became the middle finger, but then just let it go and fell back asleep. Roll the Tucker into bed.

Roll for bedtime stories. Roll for bedtime stories. Is there- okay. What's happening? What's next? So drunken conversation? Like that- Merrick's not gonna do it while he's carrying Than-toes around. Get her into bed, please. In fact, they would probably say something to that effect. Just keep her around while you're asleep. Well, I mean, wait, we're- are we back at the house? Yes. Okay, no, Merrick's not holding Than-toes the whole- I mean, that's not what I meant. Like, I was thinking on the way home he's holding Than-toes. Yeah, like, I'll take Than-toes with me.

Like, into bed. No. He's gonna make sure everything's cool. And flip her on her stomach so that she doesn't vomit into her mouth and die in the night. Cool. Thanks. So Hendrix died. Yep. Isn't there a theory that like, his girlfriend poisoned him or something? I don't know. What? No. Yeah, there's a movie about it. That's Nervon- oh my god. What? Sorry. They're all the same. I'm not fucking born yet. I don't fucking- You weren't born yet! That was 90- Maybe you weren't born yet. No, no, no, no. Trencadane died in like, '94. Okay, absolutely. That's true. What a great year to be born in.

Anyway! So, yeah, so- Cut all that. So let's, uh, yeah, so we're getting into the rooms and everybody's kind of having to take care of themselves. Basically, I think when Merrick would get in, since he's the most sober person there, he would- As long as it's not too late and David was up or anybody in his position, he would try to make sure that there was something- Everybody got enough water so that whenever they wake up in the middle of the night, and buckets to throw up into in the middle of the night, you know, he's gonna- He's gonna mother them a little bit because everybody's sick.

Mmm. And then crash and try to go back into his room where Calune is. Well, it would definitely be that situation where Calune is just like laying down and they have those weird bedtime thoughts that everyone has. Yeah. But they're a little too drunk to keep them in so they're gonna be like, "Merrick, Merrick, if you die, would you have stuff that you didn't do?" Would I have stuff that I didn't do? Yeah. You mean, if I die? I don't think I understand the question, Calune. If you die, would you want to come back? Huh. That's a good question. You know, I'll be honest with you.

I thought about it in a way. I feel like I've wasted so much of my life before I met you, before I met all of our friends. I feel like I don't know if I deserve to come back. I'm sure I don't deserve it. But I feel like if I got to come back, I could do it better or maybe right the next time. So yeah, I want to, but I don't know if that's what happens. Calune is going to nod very sagely in the dark and then they're gonna roll over. There we go. Okay. Good night. Wait, wait, wait. What about you? Calune is gonna roll back over even though it doesn't matter. They're gonna sort of, well, we shouldn't come back.

Let's not. Well, we don't know. We never really thought about it. Well, get some sleep and let me know in the morning. Okay. It's gonna do whatever Calune needs to be comfortable, whatever that is, whether it's a blanket or just a sprinkle of water. Yeah. And then that's it. It's gonna crash. Everyone's had a hard night and getting some sleep would probably be a good idea. So let's, let's fast forward things to the next day. Okay, cool. So let's fast forward things to the next day. It is now the 21st of Thorim. Hangovers. Let's talk about hangovers. What about them?

Can we roll for these? Oh boy. You know what? We can do that. Everyone, give me a constitution roll, please. I feel like there should be something like maybe, because Merrick didn't get as drunk as the rest of us. So if his role is the worst, that wouldn't be fair. Oh no, I'm taking modifiers off of the people who got drunker. Don't worry. Okay, checking. I truly feel like we should have a... Nice, nice girl. They're just gonna wake up. What the fuck are you talking about? Okay. Okay. 18. Not bad. Oh, oh. 16. The thing I said. Julie with it. Chris. Bitch. We all hand her our fucking liquor, guys.

You know, maybe this was... He shouldn't have gone so overboard. Maybe this is, this is hangover plus like, Kaluna snored really bad because she was so, they were so fucking drunk. Yeah. Sounds about right. You just didn't get good sleep. I would say, I would say for the most part, everyone's, everyone's doing pretty good. Some people are a little better than others. Like maybe Una wakes up with a little bit of a headache and Julie is feeling better after vomiting her guts out last night. Like maybe, like maybe the abs are hurting a bit, but, but everything else is fine.

Pride probably hurt more than anything else. And the next day, if, if Julie saw Una in the hallway or something, as everyone's getting up and, you know, brushing her teeth and whatever they're doing, I think it would kind of be a thing where she's like, can we please never talk about that again last night? Like it kind of, kind of lowered voice. Una would just go shhhhh. That's it. Yeah. And she would just like nod her head like, okay. And then just continue down the hallway to go get like breakfast or something like just like, let's never. It would have just been like 30 minutes brushing her teeth.

They get out there and Merrick throws us arms, if it isn't the vomit sisters. Only the crazy party last night, right? Okay, guys, I'm going to lay it on the line. I'm going to ask you in just a moment, if there is anything that you'd like to do before you get on a boat and leave, leave the mainland behind. And really we're going to start, we're going to, we're going to close things out for the night. So is there anything that you guys would like to do? Anything you'd like to wrap up? Any loose ends you'd like to tie? A letter you want to send? Anybody you'd like to say goodbye to?

Just in case things go terribly where you're headed? Yes. Okay. Letters and I want to leave a copy of a will with David in case anything happens and instructions on where to send it. All right. Who are you sending letters to? I'm going to send a letter to Serif and I'm going to send a letter to my childhood friend Arkati. Okay. That's it. Okay. Anyone else? Oh shit, Jadzia. Fuck. That's an important one, yeah. I'm going to send a letter to Bree, but yeah, Jadzia too, please. I don't do that list. Gotcha. I thought Kaluna would like to ask David. The good news is that two of those letters are going to the exact same place.

What? Oh, Serif's, Serif's got a new job. He's an Esterholt now. Oh, well good. He's a changed man. Oh my God. I know you don't listen to the show, but you should listen to this group one session because it's the Malkus. It's this big Grimnus family reunion and Serif's there as a shit stir. It's actually really fun. Nice. Kaluna would like to get together a jar of dirt. Is that breakfast? Okay. They're going to be really secretive about it too. They're going to like go to David and be like, "Hey, hey man, can we get like a little jar?" And then like while everyone else is like brushing their teeth, for example.

Is this some Pirates of the Caribbean 2 shit? Like... No. Anyone remember that meme? Anyone? There was a song. Yeah, I did remember that. I hate myself a little bit. And then they're going to tuck it away among their pouches and actually remember which one it is. I don't think Merrick... I think Merrick would, you know... Bark, bark. Sorry. I think Merrick would, you know, see all this happening and sort of understand that, you know, like Una's writing a bunch of letters and taking care of some stuff. I think he'd be a little bit sad because he'd think the only person that I would probably write a letter to is Kaluna.

And Kaluna's going to be with me. And Kaluna couldn't fucking read it anyway. And that would be ridiculous because Kaluna can't read. No, he just doesn't have any body to say goodbye to. He doesn't. Not even just you? Yeah, fuck you too, Merrick. No, no, I'm just thinking, like, I don't think he would be like, "Dear Jazia, bye. If something happens to me, bye." I mean, he's... Aww. Right? What about his girlfriend? He could send a portrait of his penis? A portrait? This is for you. I had this made for you. No, I mean, Merrick's written Jazia along the road at different points anyway just to keep in touch and sort of give a little bit of, like, here's how things are going.

Right. But in terms of, like, a goodbye goodbye, like another something like that, there's nobody for him to do that to except for Kaluna, really, or everybody that he's around right now. So, and even Tia is just more of, like, a, I mean, he doesn't know her, but he's got something to sort of come back to if he can. So, I don't know. There's a little bit of sadness there. Anybody else? I think we're good. I don't think Santos has anybody either. Like, everyone she knows is going to be on the ship. Santos leaves a note somewhere that she's not supposed to be that says, "Fuck you, David." Yes, yes, that actually.

Can that be real? Nice. I'd like to sneak up those stairs just one more time. One last time on those stairs. Merrick pulls the leash. Santos lets out a little, "Ah!" However, as they're leaving, Merrick would probably have a very heartfelt, he would try to have a nice moment with David and just say, "Thank you for everything. Hope to see you again, David." He would reach out to shake Merrick's hand. Yeah, and Merrick will definitely shake. And very, very sincerely, like, one of those, like, I keep shaking your hand shakes. Yeah. It was my pleasure. I wish you all the luck in your journey.

I don't think Merrick would even say anything else. I think he would just sort of nod and then, you know, pick his pack up and turn around. And Colonna offered David a hug. Aww. He would hug Colonna. Oh, hell yes. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me, I've known about you guys. Like, if you ever want to come back and be a houseplant here, you're not a houseplant. If you ever want to be a weird decoration. Anybody else? Anything? Yeah, shake David's hand and leave. Alright. I would say... Could Santos offer a sarcastic hug? Okay. Like, part of her just wants to see if he would.

Um, sure. I think he would. I think it would just be like, he doesn't hate Santos, just Santos is a tremendous pain in the ass. Makes his job that much harder. So it's like, it's more like, okay, yeah. I mean, you're still leaving, so that's good. If it becomes a real hug, she'll be like, Oh, that's kind of nice. Okay. And then she'll sneak her hand into his pocket to see if... Wow. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I have something fun to play with on the ship. That's true. Oh, that made it sound like I was reaching for his penis. That did, yeah. That's weird. I have something from a joke shop in Uinaira that I don't think I forgot about.

I'm just waiting for the right moment. I would say that everyone's going to leave House Dragonkeep, potentially, maybe for the last time. And they're going to meet, they're going to meet Barden down by the docks. And one by one, they're going to board the ship. I think he'd hold out his hand first. Yeah. Yeah, Merrick would have scraped everything together for from everybody and... I feel like it would be one of those things, like as a courtesy, it's like, yeah, they're going to help you. They're going to help you load your gear on there because there's a crew.

And then he's going to pull Merrick aside and it's like, you know, kind of a good morning, but behind it, it's like, you got my fucking money. Like that kind of thing. Just kind of... Yeah. Yeah. He's going to, he will have a pouch with all of that ready to go for him. And he'll say, it's all there. All right. As everyone's going onto the boat, comically, Kaluna clings to the dock and everyone has to drag them onto the boat. All right. Crew's going to pull up anchor and you guys are going to set sail. I think that is a good time for us to stop this evening.

The next time we pick up, you're going to be on your way to Kian. Yay! We did it! Guys, we did it! Get your shit ready. Prepare your buttholes, guys. Congratulations. Yeah, we're on our way. This is the beginning of potentially the end or at least the end of something. Yep. I don't like it. Yep. I've got a good feeling. Yeah. I mean, yeah. This could happen. Here's the thing. You guys have an experienced crew and someone who's there as a guide. So you're greatly increasing your chances. So that's cool. How likely are we to run into something giant that will try to eat us, though?

Less likely, actually, than like, Sigrid 2. Incredibly likely. It's down from 98% to 90%. I was joking with Jason about how we ask Vardan, "So what are the chances we're going to run into a giant monster?" And he's like, "Oh no! We won't go in that area! Only fucking idiots go that way!" Oh, you mean the death picks from Hell? No, we're not going there. No. Don't be ridiculous. Hey everybody, this is Marek Ethelred. I play Jasper Permanter on group 3. We're hurtling towards episode 200 in just a couple of weeks, a few weeks. So stay tuned. Hope you enjoyed today's episode.

Make sure you go to our website where you can find everything you need to know about us and everything that's on social media about us and Facebook and Flickr and Orchid and everything. If you go to DANDRPodcast.com, you can check us out. Thanks very much.