Leap of Faith

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[CLINKING] Peacocks. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. I think they mean us. Oh, [BLEEP] Um-- [CLEARS THROAT] With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold, Olympic highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, only on Peacock. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah. You're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you're only going to cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs.

Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. It's your first job? I know what I'm doing. It's a little late for a crit change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+. Howdy, everyone. Welcome to another episode of Dungeons and Randomness. This episode, we've done something that we've never done before. You guys, a lot of you, have asked us to do it. The group got a chance to go shopping today.

And they-- it takes about 20 minutes. Now, we left it in. I did edit it heavily, so we didn't go over all of us reloading character sheets into the table and them going over every single option. So I part it down to about a 20 minute thing. So if you get to the one hour, 30 minute mark, somewhere in there, you'll know it when you hear it. The group gets ready and gets to go shopping. Then you can skip ahead if you don't want to hear it. It's about 20 minutes long. So yeah, you can find it. But yeah, we just make wisecracks and hang out throughout that. But it's kind of a break where they get to pick out new gear and you hear it.

So if you don't want to hear that, you can skip ahead. It's 20 minutes. If not, you can listen to it. On top of that, thank you very much to everyone who has liked us on Facebook. We got up to 1,500 likes this week. So thank you very much. Make sure and share us with your friends. And just bug the hell out of your friends is what I'm saying. Send it to every one of your friends. Everyone who's rated us on iTunes too, thank you very much. Yeah, other than that, just enjoy the show. Let us know what you think. If you like the fact that we left this in, let us know on Facebook.

If you didn't, or send us an email, dnrpodcast@gmail.com. Let us know that kind of stuff. Because if we get a lot of people telling us they liked it over not liked it, then we'll keep it in. If we get an overwhelming amount of people telling us they hated it, we will take it out from now on. On top of that, if you go to dnrpodcast.com, we are putting up new articles about two every week. Merlin is doing a fantastic set of articles called Know Thyself where each one of the PCs is being broken down from the actual character sheet so you can see what they do, what they're capable of, and all that good stuff.

Just a nice little stat breakdown. You can check that out. And Living in Theria is coming back starting this week. I will have a new one up. And I should have at least three. Going to be covering Vampires in Theria, Dragons, and the War Forge themselves. So look for that. I'll get out of your way now so you guys can listen. Thank you very much. Just a bunch of people that aren't hip anymore. That's like The Price is Right for me. That's one of those shows you watch when you were sick and stayed home. Like Hollywood Squares is just one of those things. I can't find my remote and I physically can't change the-- It depends on who's on it, I think.

Like Penn and Teller were great on it. Gilbert Gottfried was fucking awesome in it. I only think Whoopi Goldberg when I think Hollywood Squares. Whoopi Goldberg's always the center square. I'm old school. I think Alf when I think Hollywood Squares. I think Paul Lynde. And what's his name? Was that the dude with the bushy hair? That's the dude. He does like the voice for Snagglepuss, the really gay dude. I think Alvin and Bruce Valanche. Bruce Valanche, that's the guy. Paul Lynde who always played like a fucking husband in sitcoms. So funny. It's like you are so obviously gay.

Hi, honey. It's like, oh, Jesus Christ. Dude, you crave dick. Dude, you crave dick. I was a real rat race today. Jesus. All right, let's do this. In the immortal words of Jake White. Oh, cool. I'll take that. All right. I'm Jason. I'm the DM going around the table. Let's start with Rob. Hey, I'm Robert Mizahan. I'll be playing Malchus Grimness, Tiefling Warlock. And Justin. Hi, my name is Justin Massey. I play Ironhide Warforge. I forgot what he does. He's a mageblade or something. Mageblade, yeah, that's a new class. Stay by the belt, the new class. Jake. Hey, I'm Jake.

I am Draconis, a dragonborn fire mage. Tyler. Hi, I'm Tyler. I play Thoril Songsteel, a human ranger. And Dan. I am Dan Phelps. I play Rodswell Joy Batam, a human war priest. And last but not least, Tom. Hey, I'm Tom. I play Yandere Firestomp of Menitar with Bronchitis. Tom's a trooper. He sounds quite sick. Your voice is a little rickety. A little. Touch of the rickets in my voice. That's a good thing you're going to be talking most in this-- I'm weary after my big battle. All these emotions, they ravage your voice. Speaking of which, let's recap what happened in the last episode, because Tom took a little bit of shit, just a little bit.

A little bit. Long story short, you guys headed to Thunderspire to try and get you some minotaurs in your army. You came to an agreement with Larys, the current king of the minotaurs, who is past his prime. He's supposed to have stepped down, but didn't, because his psychotic nephew would basically be running things. And straight off the bat, he'd probably lead a charge into Winterhaven or one of the surrounding areas and just try and take land from them people. So you guys were sent on a quest to murder him. The deal was, if Ynward were to face Crable in one-on-one combat and defeat him, then not only would-- Which I did.

Which you did. Mm-hmm. And there was nothing more interesting to say about that. After an incalculable amount of endless rules bitching, I was there. I went there. I went there. I'm sorry, that has to be on the record. On your record. It was an important win, Rob. I had to win. Look, I forgive, but I never forget. Tom was very much that cat on the curtains who didn't want to fall down, so he's just-- Refused. Just clawing. Like gravity's pulling him down. He's having none of it. So Crable wouldn't go down. You know what happened to that cat? He spayed it and it never did it again. [LAUGHTER] Show Tom to go into heat.

So we have to neuter Tom. Long story short. Shouldn't have pled all over the carpet, I'm sorry. [LAUGHTER] What was that white carpet? While Yennward did defeat Crable in combat, he healed to get there, and that's a huge insult to the Minotaur race. That takes the pride out of your victory, just to them. Now, the guys he had in his corner just pretty much left in disgust after you threatened them. They just wanted nothing to do with you or the planet thunderspy or anything. So they just pretty much threw down their weapons and walked off. The last thing you did was hack off Crable's head as proof that you murdered him.

So-- He didn't have an axe. I didn't have a choice. [LAUGHTER] You're going to start out in that cave and holding Crable's head, I guess, by the horns. Now, here's a big question for you guys. One of the big things that happened this week was we have a finished map. So you guys can look out and see exactly where you'd like to go, point to that, and say, I want to go there. What's there? First of all, let me give a big shout to Maxime Plissat. I think that's how you pronounce-- Plissay? If I mispronounce your name, dude, I am very sorry. From the Cartographer's Guild that obviously does fantastic work.

He finished everything up in about a week and a half, two weeks, something like that. Wow. It's a legend. Yeah, if you DNR listeners have not seen this map yet, go to our Facebook fan page. This thing is magnificent. It'll be up on the site, too. I want to make sure the guy gets credit for it and everything. Right, but we posted the fan page already, too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. So I guess my next question to you guys is, obviously, you have things to wrap up in Thunder Spire. But where would your next destination be? Because-- Can somebody highlight where we are now?

I can't find it. We're right next to Winterhaven. It's where Ynward is. Left. Right. The Ynward miniature is our party representative on the overworld map. Yeah. Here we go. So yeah, you would be pretty much right outside of Thunder Spire. And you're heading back there anyway. That's my next question to you guys, because you got Winterhaven, which is southeast of you. And that would be your next stop if you were to just follow the road and continue east. I got a question. What's Ebony Harbor? Ebony Harbor is-- I mean, if you're looking to take to the ocean, that's a viable thing you could do.

I just didn't know if it was like, oh, a whole bunch of slavers are there. This will be great. We can go over there. No, it's more just a small fishing community. It's not really remarkable in any sense. I mean, there's stuff going on there. But I mean, it's not really going to help your army, so to speak. Should we go talk to the dude and see what's going on? Well, our next move is going back to the Minotaur. Yeah. But I think what Jason's asking is after that, where do we want to head? I want to go to-- Do we want to go back to the camp and do all that stuff?

Well, I want to see-- I'll make my decision. I want to see what we do after. I want to make sure this goes over smooth before we decide where we go is what I'm thinking. Yeah. OK, so you want to do the whole Minotaur thing first? Yeah, like to find out if we have an army with us. Like, if we could take-- yeah, to see what's going on. You know what I'm saying? Totally. That's fine by me. I mean, I don't want to speak for everybody. Are you guys-- what do you guys-- That sounds good, yeah. That sounds good, yeah. All right, so you guys march back to Thunderspire, which isn't very far, dragging the head of Crable behind you. [SINGING] OK, I guess I should ask you, how do you want to present this to-- is this just something you're just lugging by the horns behind you, dragging it on the ground?

Is this something you're carrying with some kind of reveille-- Reveille? It's-- That's not a word. Well, once I get into their line of sight, I'm just going to hoist it up in the air like the Stanley Cup. OK. I just imagine, like, for some reason, Tom just, like, walks into the dude's, like, office and just throws the head on his desk. Tom's going to wear it over his head. Yes, I want to impale his neck on my horns so I have a Crable hat. Yeah, this dude was huge, too. This was a big strapping minotaur. It's like a minotaur wearing a minotaur mascot suit.

That's what it looks like. So, OK, I will warn you that holding it aloft above your head, it's dripping, and there's still connective tissue. Well, I'll hold the pleady end up. OK. I can eat. So basically, you're holding it by the horns above your head, just like-- Yeah, I'm just holding it aloft over my head by a horn. I'm just, you know. OK. So marching back to Thunder's Fire, you're within eye contact of these, the two guards that were standing outside of the big double doors. And their eyes kind of go wide when you march over the hill. All they see is the upside-down head of Crable, just, like, bobbing up and down as you're, like, marching along.

That's quite a sight, because he was a very intimidating presence, and not only did you beat him, you're carrying his fucking head back. Like, that's a pretty big deal. You seem to be enjoying it. Like, that's-- [LAUGHTER] I'm kind of enjoying it, if I'm going to be honest. Walking in slow motion to "I Believe I Can Fly." The Arkell version. The rest of the party, is there anything you guys-- I mean, you're obviously with the n-word, but I mean, is there anything you want to-- Keeping my distance. [LAUGHTER] Just flank me. I need backup. I need my whole posse behind me.

I'm back with Rodswell. I'm giving a little bit of a birth. OK. Yeah, I guess I'll be back there, too. All right, so Ynwyr's definitely leading the charge here. This is a big deal. Charge arm and arm with him. [LAUGHTER] Fully support him. I think Malkus is uniquely qualified to say, people have long memories in this world. [LAUGHTER] Just saying. So their eyes go wide, but they do know why you were out there. Like, they knew-- but to them, it was more of a solemn task. It was more like, well, this sucks, but it's got to be done. Meanwhile, you come charging, and they're like, woo! [LAUGHTER] That's his kid, isn't it?

Hey, girl. It's his nephew, so it was his brother's kid. Oh. They're going to open the doors wide, seeing you come. And if you don't break stride, I guess you're just going to march through the big double doors. Just going to march right through the door. [LAUGHTER] I'll nod, gentlemen. I'm just picturing Ynwyr like the leader of a marching band with his baton just in the air, all of us solemnly behind him, just like, oh, Jesus Christ. It's the goriest parade ever. [LAUGHTER] Just blood and interest sloshing around this big fucking head. So yeah, no one's going to stop you.

If you just want to head up the stairs and kind of present this to Laris, that's totally fine. Let's go, gang. OK. [LAUGHTER] Someone opens the door to Laris' office study type of room, which looks more like a trophy room slash war room type of thing. If you remember, there's all kinds of things hanging up on the walls, but everything's-- well, they're straight, but the tower itself is cockeyed. How do you want to present this to him? You're walking into the door, and he's making eye contact with you. Are you still just like, woo, just holding it above your head?

No. Well, I had to lower it. I'm going to be respectful. I'm just going to kind of hold it out to him. OK. Now, another thing about Thunder Spire, this was not built for minotaurs. So on top of it being this listing, this tower that's slowly sinking into the ground on one side, for a minotaur picture at a submarine, every doorway besides the big double doors in the front is something you have to kind of duck and step through. Yeah. Like, it's not incredibly pleasant to move around inside of it. It couldn't be less for you. We deserve more. We deserve more.

Well, when you're king, maybe you can make some sort of decision to help them out. Yeah. So you're just kind of like holding it out to him. Yeah. He nods his head like a respectful, like, OK, it had to be done. I honestly didn't expect to see you again. Well, you gave me a task. Told you I'd get it done, and I got it done. He kind of looks past you to the party behind you. Did he face you in one-on-one combat, or-- Me and him, my guys stood back, and so did his. We had it out. This is most impressive. And he's looking at the head. I have to ask, did he taint the process in any way?

Did he fight with honor? What do you mean by taints? Did he retreat or step back? Did he just fight you until he had nothing left? Absolutely. So he's just kind of looking solemnly at the head, like just-- like this is a lot to process. This is like, wow, it's one thing to talk about it, and now it's done. And now there's no heir to the throne except for you, essentially. He promised it to you. And he's going to hold his hand outstretched and go to shake your hand. I'll clasp his hand back. I am of my word, Yenward Firestomp. After the war is finished, you shall be king.

Yes. Thank you. Laris? What happens to you now? I will step down. It's long past time anyway. Well, if it's not too much to ask, you don't have to leave. You're welcome to stay at the Underspire. Well, I do have some things to place in order before I step down. There was a matter of you needing assistance? Yes. There's, as you know, looming threat in Overwatch and need all the hands we can get. I would like to hear more about your plan, when this fight would take place, where? Soon. Theria. And-- That's like saying Earth. Well, pretty much. It's definitely going to take place on Earth, guys.

I can narrow that much down for sure. Almost positive. Almost positive Earth will be-- Land, sea, or air? Maybe. OK, well, I should let you know, minotaurs fucking hate water. Hate getting wet. Hate it. Hate getting wet. So let's hope when the war happens, it's not raining. Yeah. Well, they'll tolerate rain and stuff, but if it's-- It's like a wet dog. You don't see a lot of minotaurs out to sea. I'll put it that way. That's not a big-- that is an issue for them. Which is why a lot of minotaurs tend to have a smell about them. That's not fair, but OK. That's racist, but whatever.

Well, they kind of give off a wet dog smell when they get wet. Like that's-- What Yennen is getting at is that we can't really make plans for how and when we're going to deploy until we have all the forces in order. The numbers will be critical to determining how we attack. Yes. Is there some way we should meet at a specific date? Um, I'll send a representative to get you. Right now, we don't know. There's too many questions. Then I take it you're off to build this army. Yes. Well, then I wish you would walk inward. Thank you, Iris. Um, OK. So you got the guy's support, and it looks like you're going to be king at a specific point.

Nice. So-- Now, he said-- which war? Was he talking about the-- you were talking about the civil war or the huge-- like the war, the big war? The war. They don't have a war. They're not fighting anybody right now. I mean, let me see. The orcs and dwarves, they've been fighting each other for a long ass time. The minotaurs have actually been looking to kind of ditch the fight. They're not after-- because there's no point in getting-- see, Larys didn't want to take something from someone else, because he sees that as-- then we'd be no less-- that we'd be no better than the people who took shit from us.

So taking Winterhaven, for example, that would be a sleazy move for him. He didn't want to do that. Crable, on the other hand, would take anything. Smash, grab, it doesn't matter. But you live in a tower that's all cockeyed after a while. You get it. King Yanward's somewhere in the middle. So now I'm going to ask you guys what you'd like to do. You guys have a ton of options, right? Right here. I'm going to remind you that people of Winterhaven have no idea what you've been up to. They have no idea of your progress. They have no clue. If you want to clue them in now or wait till later, that's up to you.

We should probably let that situation cool down for a little longer. OK. That's just the Malchus opinion on the table. We probably shouldn't go back there just yet. You know what I mean? I agree with you. I'm with Malchus. Although I do know that everyone was into spending some cash, I don't know if we want to get that done before we-- or if we want to let that factor into where we go. Here's some other options. The town of Aubrey, which is southeast of here. That's just past-- if you follow the road, it's past Winterhaven. It's not that far away. And they have a few little shops that you could definitely restock.

And they have some-- there's a guy there that just sells like artifacts and curiosities, things like that. So that could be very helpful. There's also a place where you could maybe take a bath and get some rest for the night. There's also a world famous stable there where you can buy horses. Oh. And they promise the fastest horses in Theria, that kind of thing. All right. So my problem is that we're all going to be able to buy horses and old hands while we're riding down the road. But what about Rodswell? What about Rodswell? Does he have no money or-- Well, I gave him his money back.

Yeah, that's true. Like, did you? Some percentage. Yeah, it was a little bit. You know what? You know what? Hold on. Let's-- [LAUGHTER] Let's not get crazy. Let's do it aside right here. Rodswell, come here. Come here. Come here. Come to me. The survivalists are finished. Just own it off to the side a little bit. Come here, Rodswell. I want to talk to you. I wanted to thank you again for holding my money while I was in distress. You know what? That's no problem. I didn't want somebody to rifle through your pockets and take it. It seems that I've made a little bit of a mistake.

I'm not that great at math. I believe I owe you the rest of your money. Wow. I'm very thankful. I thought you were just holding onto it as a safety precaution. I would never-- I just miscounted. That's all. Well, thank you so much. And once again, you never trust an elf. So I thank you for holding on while I seek medical treatment. Absolutely. Racism's killing me inside. Oh my god. Yinward's the one who taught me you can never trust an elf. That's one of the conversations we had on our way to the-- Seriously, though, I'm sorry for robbing you, and I'm ashamed of myself.

It's OK. I forgive you. OK, how much are you giving Rodswell? Well, I think I still owe him like $3,500 or something. I think. So just-- does that sound good, Rodswell? That sounds good. OK. That'll bring me up to $9,000. So that's-- If we were to get to those stables, and Rodswell was like, you guys, I can't pay for my horse, and we all just sat there and looked at one another, I would feel ashamed. Like, I felt like this problem would just solve itself whether he had his money or not. Yeah, but still. You know. It was like looking back and forth nervously.

Well, I mean, I took care of the drinks at the inn last time, so I'm ahead. Which one of you guys-- whose turn is it? Well, I've been a taxi to various members of the party for weeks. Well, 17 years, technically. Pretty sure half of you have a tab with all yanward. I have a question. Sure, go ahead. I happen to remember placing some elves in charge of a task. How long should we wait before heading back there? It hasn't even been a day yet, though. OK, I got you. That's going to take them a while to-- Go back 12 hours later. Hey, how are we doing with this job?

You guys done yet? You mean the thing I just mentioned just now? Just give you a shitload of money. However, if you listen to the next group two episode, you might hear something about that. OK. Listen to those losers. I'll check it out. And hosers. Hosers. Another thing, you guys just kind of left the White Ravens high and dry. Like you didn't tell them where you were going or what you were doing or-- I thought they-- well, we have Brianna. No, we don't. No, you don't. Oh, wait, yeah, we don't. Oh, wait a minute. I thought they forgot Brianna. I didn't know. We just left.

And I thought-- I mean, they know what you were up to. They know what your goal is. But you didn't tell them that you were leaving or that you-- I mean, like, it's only been a day. OK, well, they're at the AirBnB too, right? Yeah, they'd still be there. All right, well, that's out of the way. It's where we're headed. We'll head home on the way back around. OK. So we're going to Aubrey? I'm done with that. Sounds reasonable. Sure. Sure. OK, so you would be-- let's see here. So it would definitely be nighttime when you arrived at Aubrey. Yeah. That's quite a long walk.

I mean, just out for a stroll. That's-- yeah. So you'd probably be right around 3, 4 AM, somewhere in there by the time you hit the outskirts of Aubrey. So it's actually kind of a quaint little town. There's nothing too big about Aubrey. It's not like a destination. It's more like a stop along the way. One of the big things about Aubrey is it's a very religious town. They had a chapel there that had burned down years and years ago. And one of the things that they're-- I guess the thing they're most famous for is that's one of the places that Leora had some real big success fighting vampires.

Like that was like a hotspot for vampire activity. So she was pretty famous there for a while. And she kind of made a name for herself in Aubrey and a couple of the surrounding small towns. Getting to Aubrey, like on the outskirts, you see a figure just clad in this kind of shimmering, silverish-looking armor. And she is fighting this shadowy figure. And the thing appears to be like insanely fast. And she's just whipping this broadsword around, keeping it just kind of at bay, just cutting back and forth. It looks more elegant, though, than clumsy. Like she knows what she's doing.

And with the shield in her left hand, she kind of catches the thing in the shoulder and stuns it enough to whip around with a broadsword and lop its head off. As soon as the head separates from the body, the entire thing kind of turns to ash and falls apart. And she's just kind of standing there facing away from you, catching her breath. You guys want to speak up on her? Gotcha. Yeah, that sounds smart. I guess I'll mosey up to her and see. That was pretty good. What was that? And she had no idea there's anyone else on the road with her. Oh, good. This is going to be good.

She kills us all. So first of all, she's startled. That just scared the shit out of her. And she whips around and sees Ironhide. Oh, shit. Devil golem! And she charges with her. [LAUGHTER] Wait, is that real or is that-- No, that's-- yeah, she's charging at-- Oh, shit. She's charging at Ironhide with her broadsword outstretched. Can I jump in, try to stop her? Like, halt? We come in peace or something? Well, this-- OK. This is happening pretty quick. This is-- OK. So you're more than welcome to call out to her. But this would be like a diplomacy check type of thing.

OK, so-- So first of all, what do you want to say to her? I would say he means you no harm. He was just impressed by your swordsmanship. OK, now give me a diplomacy check. OK. All right. It's being slow, sorry. That's fucking snowing. I think it's because of the map. It is because of the map. If you want to, we can just minimize it or take it off completely. 17. OK. So she's charging towards Ironhide, and you call out. And she notices that you're a cleric. And she stops, completely halts. And she faces Rodswell and kind of plants her sword in the ground and takes a knee and said, I'm sorry, Father.

I didn't mean any harm. I thought he was attacking. No, it's completely understandable. You were startled. You were after a battle. It's fine. You don't have to kneel. You can rise. And she stands up and takes her sword back out of the ground and puts it back in her scabbard. What are you doing out here so late? Don't you know it's dangerous? We're a group of adventurers. We've been traveling, trying to amass an army to take on Overwatch. We were hoping to stop into Aubrey for rest and possibly to replenish our supplies. I'd be more than happy to lead you there.

I would insist that you stick close. It's quite dangerous to travel these roads at night. Well, you seem able. We will accept if you would lead us into town. And she pans over the party because it's not-- every day you see minotaurs outside of the Thunder Spire. And it's damn sure not every day you see a war forged anywhere that's welcome. That's a big deal. Devil gollum. Devil gollum. Devil gollum. We also don't like the rock music here. That's Ironhide's rap name, devil gollum. So she turns away and starts walking towards town. You guys are probably about 10, 15 minutes out, something like that.

What do you hope to accomplish in Aubrey, besides resting, of course? Not much. We needed a place to rest and replenish our supplies. And we heard something about a horse, possibly. See somebody about that. See a man about a horse. Anderson's stable. He breeds the fastest horses in all of Theria. I would be happy to take you there. It's not very far at all, actually. If the rest of my party is-- if that's what they want to do, then it sounds great. This early, we wouldn't want to wake anyone. Well, if it's-- go ahead, sorry. Do we want to take care of talking about the alliances with the city and any forces they might have before we go see about the horses?

And if we feel like the horses are something we'll check into when we're leaving. I was under the impression that they had much force, but-- Yeah, they're like a religious-- But if you-- now that you-- I mean, we could always use more clerics, however. I don't know. Does Aubrey have anything to offer in terms of help in a war situation? Well, we could offer healing, I suppose. You'd have to talk to the father at the chapel for that. But as far as I know, we really wouldn't be up to fighting in the war. It's a small town. There's maybe only 1,000 people.

How late is it? 3 AM? Yeah, like around 3, 4 AM somewhere. So we wouldn't want to-- maybe rest up before we start going to visit. I don't think a good first impression would be barging in at 3 o'clock in the morning and asking for-- Covered in blood. Covered in blood. You got a horse? It's not going to work. Here, Jeff, horse. First through the door, we need your help. Kids want to see a dead body. Covered in gore. Would you have a place in town where we could clean up and rest our heads? Oh, of course, yes. I'll lead you right to the inn. Sounds fantastic. So arriving in Aubrey, it's this small little town.

It's-- excuse me. Again, it's definitely a place you end up. It's not something you aspire to. It's like, hey, I want to live in Aubrey. You just kind of live there. And they have a large religious community. They're pretty-- they're all up on Jeebus. They really love-- The are Jeebus deep south, essentially. This is a great place for Malchus to stay. Yeah, I was going to avoid bringing that up just in case they decided-- Devil, devil. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Well, which-- well, I'll ask this in character. So Aubrey is a very religious town. Which deity sees the most veneration here?

That would be a monitor. Mm, monitor. I've noticed, by the way, you didn't seem distressed, said a tiefling. It's an accepting place. Well, I can't speak for every Denison, but I've seen far worse things than tieflings. Malchus nods. What have you seen? What you got? Yeah, what was not a-- That would probably be-- I imagine that would be the vampires and such. Correct. We've had quite the vampire problem for years now. It's getting to be more than we can handle, to be honest. It's still ongoing? They seem to be increasing their attacks. Can Thorol op not to be a part of this vampire?

Just-- You're probably immune now. It's like-- that's how it works. It's like the flu. You can't get it twice. It's like chicken pox. You get it once, and then you're done. Yeah. It's a good thing it happened when you were younger. They have vampire parties now with babies. We're going to one next week, actually. They sit around and bite each other. Throw them in their pants so they can all bite each other. And she takes you up to the door of a place called the Silver Flagon, which is quite a large-- it looks to be like a tavern/inn. And there are very few lights on, like lanterns lit and things like that.

There's the ones for the streets itself. And then there are only a couple of establishments that still have their lights on, and the inn is one of them. So it looks like a 24-hour type of place. And she says, if you want to reconvene in the morning, I'd be more than happy to take you to the father. I'm afraid he's probably still sleeping right now. That sounds fantastic. Why don't you go get some rest, and tomorrow we'll discuss things further. I'll take you to see Father White in the morning. And she kind of trudges off. I'm imagining you guys want to head into the Silver Flagon here at the inn.

Sure. Sounds promising. So advertised-- so you walk in, and it's this-- it's actually kind of a warm-looking establishment that's not really jumping right now. It's 3 in the morning. So it's not too busy, but there is someone behind the bar. And you do smell food. So they're obviously cooking something back there. Been through this before. I was just going to say. Start rolling them checks. So a portly balding man behind the counter kind of calls out, gentlemen, good evening. Hey. Hi. What's going on? And then he kind of pans up to Yennward. Jesus Christ. [LAUGHTER] Hi.

People seem very friendly around here, I have to say. It's very much like going to Texas. OK. Oh, all the good and bad of Texas. Yeah. I said doublets. They don't accept some people. So like the South, but not like Georgia the South, right? No. No, no, no. OK. Malchus would not be standing if it's been Georgia. Yeah. I like Texas. Sorry about anybody who lives in Georgia, by the way. Yeah, I was going to say, we're selectively insulting parts of our listenership. This is good. Great job, team. Well, it's not like Tennessee. I mean, we can all agree Tennessee is right out, right?

Well, we all have problems in our own states. That way, keep digging. Keep digging. I'm sorry. I'm kidding. I'm saying we all have problems in our own states, so. I live in New Jersey for Christ's sake. Tennessee is not bad. Now, if it were like Alabama or Mississippi, then really. Nebraska. Two of us live in Missouri, which is the meth capital of North America. So. Yeah, we all have, yeah. We all have meth. All right, let's not get greedy. OK, so, again, we're back into the parking. [LAUGHTER] Hi. We'd like a room. [LAUGHTER] I-- yeah, sure. I don't know if the-- he kind of leans in and is like, I don't know if our bed is going to be big enough for you.

If you just pile a bunch of batting on the floor, I'll be OK. OK, OK. I can have someone bring you some extra linen, I guess. What if someone smells delicious? What are you cooking up back there? Oh, we still have some special left over from yesterday. What's the special? Roasted boar. Ooh. Eh. [LAUGHTER] Draconis is a vegetarian. Yeah. I'll take some fucking grapes. You got some grapes? Give me some grapes. Oh, we got grapes. We have vegetarian options. This place is-- why are we going anywhere else? This place is-- [LAUGHTER] Let's just live here. Fuck the war.

I'm retiring. Your thoughts on minotaurs. [LAUGHTER] Can I call you dad? You're wonderful. [LAUGHTER] Minotaubry. That's what we're going to call this town. I think we could all stand to eat. What do you think, guys? Yeah. I'd be more than happy to set you up for the night. We have two rooms available. I think that should be enough space for the six of you. I could fix you up some plates. Six of you plates? Can I make a suggestion? Yes, sir. And he kind of leans in again. There's only one other person in the book. OK. But he leans in again. No. He's about to say something super racist.

You all smell terrible. [LAUGHTER] We haven't bathed for 17 years. [LAUGHTER] Can you bring us some buckets? Some water? We do have a bathroom. I mean, we can draw you a hot bath for everyone. That would be lovely. I say we eat up and then clean up and-- Because as you can see, Whimper is encrusted with gore. [LAUGHTER] So the-- OK. So while he's preparing some food for you guys, I imagine he hands you the keys to your rooms. And he hollers-- This is the most pleasant experience we've had in there. This is-- Well, if you would sign the guest book and let everyone else know that, I'd be very appreciative.

I'm going to review you on TripAdvisor. That's how much-- You guys are going to get a great Yelp from me. [LAUGHTER] I was going to make that-- [LAUGHTER] Yeah. I signed the guest book. I just-- I draw like a squiggle and pretend it's something. [LAUGHTER] He nods. Mm. [LAUGHTER] Um, we do offer many services here. For starters, we have a cleaning service. We could clean your armor and robes. We'd be more than happy to. How much are we talking here? Curious. It's five gold apiece. Bullshit. [LAUGHTER] Tell me in on that cleaning. I could take some of that. Um, there is-- OK, there's-- so he lets-- there's a lady who works in the back.

And he lets her know, OK, they're hot baths and the works. Give them the works. And she kind of approaches Yennward and says, um, you're not going to fit in our bathtub. I'm sorry. We're going to have to hose you off out back. Do you have a hose? Some buckets. We have a large basin you could sit in. And I could even help scrub you down if you want. Looks like you might have a part. Sure. [LAUGHTER] Give me the rosary. This beautiful old couple, we're just-- They just run a quaint little B&B in Aubrey. Yennward gets assisted bathing. But I'm half livestock, so it's OK.

Picture-- like, picture-- first of all, fucking Yennward's about eight feet tall. And he's not going to fit in the beds or the-- like, he's got to duck down to get through every doorway and archway. He's-- so I picture him sitting in the fucking equivalent of an old-style hot tub, which is just this huge barrel, essentially, that he's sitting in. And he's just kind of kneeling in, and she's scrubbing the gore out of his fur. I just like how everywhere else in this world so far has been, like, fuck you, devil face. But we come here, and they're like, I don't think you're going to fit in the bathtub, son.

It's a big world, man. Like, it can't all be terrible. No, it's beautiful. It's a beautiful thing, Jason. This is-- it reminds me of home. Before we get into the life of luxury here, why don't we sit down and talk for a second? I want to discuss the idea of approaching them about help. Are we all in on that? Because I don't know how much help they have to spare. And I think they'd give it to us, but I don't know if I want to take advantage of them. And that's kind of how it feels. You know what I'm saying? So OK. I picture-- this is just me picturing things.

I picture this as after everyone's had a chance to kind of get clean, and they're not in their armor anymore. They're kind of, for the first time-- I don't know what your relaxation wear would be. I have a robe. Just naked. Just chill and nude. Well, I guess for Ironhide, that's not a big deal at all. Or a yanward. Half cap. A yanward, you know, just-- Picture a yanward, like, toweling off. Just yanward with a towel around his-- Where he just shakes off in the room. He's naked except for a towel around his waist. Just like-- He shakes off like a dog. Like Hulk Hogan in No Holds Barred with that tiny little-- Malchus shakes out a set of plum-colored silk pajamas.

Oh my god. He fucking would. In a pipe. Yes, in a pipe. I don't always relax. Does it furrow like a tablecloth? Pajama swoosh walk away. It's got the equivalent of footies, but also like a third one for his tail. So his tail stays warm. There's an MG monogrammed on the pocket. Oh, absolutely. He stands for tail, but we know it so you can-- Don't watch. And a smoking jacket. There's also a smoking jacket. Now I'm done. God, that's decadent. Thorold's just shirtless in lounge pants. Clearly, you guys are the 1%. I'm just throwing that out there. I've told you before, Malchus is kind of an adventurer supremacist.

He thinks we're cut above. What's the place called? This place-- the silver flag. The silver flag. Yes. I'm wearing a robe with the silver flag on the back that I got from the bathroom. I love that if somebody steals the robe, they just don't-- like when it comes time for us to call on them, it's like, no, fuck you. You stole our robe. We saw you walk out with it. We checked the room after you left. You left. Look, you gave us your credit card. We're just going to chug, OK? Do you guys have any patches or buttons? I'd love to stick you on my courier bag. Get around, man.

OK. OK. We're a bunch of chuckleheads. But-- You guys, it's been too long since we sat down. Yes. No, like I said, I just-- I don't want to feel like we're taking advantage. And I want to get your guys' thoughts on that. Maybe they can help, but not have to come. Like maybe they could be a medical tent of sorts. You know what I'm saying? Like a tree, I would say. Yeah. Yeah. All the fighting's going to one side. Wounded soldiers can be carted out to Aubrey. I mean, are they really close enough to take advantage of-- I mean, to-- well, yeah. They're right next to-- they're right down the road from Winterhaven.

And that's the home base. They should help in some capacity. It's their continent too, so to speak. It's their future. Maybe we should just kind of hold off on this discussion more until after we get a feel of the situation around here. I just don't know if I want to barge in and ask-- I just don't know if I want to barge in and be like, help us with the war. But if I feel that they are more than willing and able to do so, then I don't see why we couldn't take the help. They should know sooner than later though. I think first thing in the morning. I don't want to give this-- Of course.

Of course. When people are awake and around, of course. So we rest? We rest. We sleep till noon, I think. It would be-- yeah. I mean, you guys would probably pass out. Like this-- when's the last time you guys have had an opportunity to sleep in beds? Camp Icebreaker. Yeah. Before Drock, right? Well, OK, so when we got back from Winter Haven-- when we got back into Winter Haven, there was one night. I spent the night by Duncan's tomb. But everyone else-- Which was in the cellar of a fucking-- like that's-- That's where I spent the night. But everyone else spent the night in the barracks, I believe.

So-- OK. So this is some cushy digs compared to what you guys-- I mean, you've been sleeping in the woods. You've been sleeping out in the-- I mean, like this is some cushy digs. It's not your sleeping bag. It's not, you know. So these are nice soft beds in a warm place, sheltered from weather. And that's pretty awesome. You don't have to worry about having your throat slit in the middle of the night. That's pretty cool. It's always good. It's pretty awesome. We wake up, and all our shit has been stolen. And throat slit. I mean-- [LAUGHTER] Oh, shit. We wake up dead the next day. [LAUGHTER] I imagine Ironhide is just kind of powering down in the corner.

He doesn't have to lay in a bed. He would most likely break the bed. And actually, I think this is Ironhide's first night that he doesn't have to be aware. Like, we were using him as kind of a lookout since he didn't have to sleep. So-- Yeah. Yeah. I don't think everybody's going to charge in on us. Just plug them into a power strip in case there's-- I'll stand right in front of one of the doors. So if they try to, it just does nothing. Probably. I'm going to do that. Someone tries to open a door, you just hear a loud clang. And Ironhide falls over. [LAUGHTER] Had to be a large motherfucker running into that door, though.

That's how people open doors in Aubrey. They just run sprinting into them. Just dropkick the door open. Something important to say, and you're going to listen. It's a tradition in our town to open doors with great enthusiasm. I'm sorry if that started you. Sorry. [LAUGHTER] We're just that welcoming. It's a fucking population of just Jetleys and Cramers. [LAUGHTER] And you exit every building by defenestrating yourself. [LAUGHTER] So you guys, you got your grub. Yeah. The vegetarian options were there. I ain't eating anything because I'm watching my figure.

Just for role-playing's sake, who in the party is a vegetarian? Yenward. Oh. That's even on Twitter. The fucking minotaurs of-- He's stand alliance and crafts and stuff. That's a lovely image of like, Yenward in a field, just like-- He just graces. He doesn't. Wait, wait, wait. At Camp Icebreaker, wasn't Yenward ready to eat human at one point? Yenward says a lot of things. He doesn't actually eat. I don't swallow. I just love the prospect of him just like channeling his inner cow and just grazing out in the fucking field. Cow sounds might do it. So they have a lovely garden salad prepared for you.

Yes. So they got real nice fresh ingredients, local gardens, that kind of thing. Nice. It's real nice. The rest of you get roasted boar or the option of steak. I'm right here. Well, you know, I mean, the world's not vegetarian. How's the minotaur this evening? I'm steak. That's bullshit. [LAUGHTER] So you guys have full bellies. You're rested the next day. I'm thinking you're going to get a late start somewhere around like 11, 12, somewhere in there. Sounds good. Yenward looks handsome, by the way. Combed his hair. It's nice. You all smell better, like off the bat.

Like that's got to help him around, right? Not to mention you're going to be talking to maybe leaders or diplomats or something. And it's probably better that you don't reek and be covered in gore. We need your help. Yeah. I kind of lean into the rest of the party. I'm like, look, these guys don't know us, OK? Remember that. Just stay cool. All of your clothing and armor and everything has been cleaned and pressed and is kind of sitting by the door. Your boots have all been kind of scrubbed free of encrusted mud and gunk. I mean, just picture that. You guys have been through swampland and you hiked all the way to the Northlands.

And so it just-- You're all probably due for new boots, actually. Yeah, my boots are cool. Except for the ones who bought the boots at the equilibrium. Yes. Smart sons of bitches. I do picture Malkus asking for a coffee. Is that on par? Is that good, Rob? Yeah, that's pure Irish coffee. Just pure alcohol. Just Malkus walks out of the inn, going to the meeting with a mug of coffee in his hand. Wait, wait, wait. Now, hold on. But there aren't Irish in this world. Who has-- what-- Dwarven coffee. Probably dwarven coffee. That would probably be-- The reputation for drinking?

I'm going to make this coffee dwarven. Although you're given the tieflings quite a-- you're the first borderline alcoholic tiefling so far. I'm functional. Leave me alone. I don't have a problem. So I imagine you're dressed, you're clean, and you're ready to start the day. Yes, yes. Do you guys want to drink or anything before you leave? Or are you just pretty much hoofing it out onto the street? Because the bar is full now. The place is kind of bustling. We should be ready to get going. Go ask some questions. Refresh. Yeah. OK. So walking out onto the main street of Albury, this is-- there's kind of like-- all the vendors and stuff are pretty much on this one street.

And then you've got like little side streets and stuff where people live. There's all kinds of housing and such. This place is bustling. Like there's horses kind of clomping around, and there's people going to and fro. The largest building in town appears to be the chapel. And that would be kind of resting at the end of this cul-de-sac, at the end of the street. There doesn't appear to be much of a military in Albury. If there are, they aren't floating around in town. There's a couple of kind of guards just on the street, but they're not really-- I mean, it's not like when you're in Winterhaven or back in Overdale, something like that.

It's nothing like that. This place is pretty much wide open. So have they been left alone by Overwatch, or is that something we'll get into? You could ask around if you like. Totally. They know enough about-- they obviously know enough about the Overwatch so far that you could tell that they know that the Warforged aren't to be trusted. That was her gut reaction to attack the thing as soon as she saw it. Well, does anybody want to do any kind of checks on the town or anything like that? Like streetwise type of thing? Yeah. I mean, my streetwise is shit, so.

Same here, I think. Let me see. This, Thoril. I mean, I've got a plus 10 on my base math alone. I'm not trained, though. Is anyone trained? Trained? I have a plus 8. Having the plus 5. I have a plus 8 streetwise. Ooh. Let me check mine real quick. Yours is plus 3, so I think Valkus is going to be the guy. Maybe. I am the best. Yeah, I'm Thor. Like no one ever was. OK. Plus 10. Plus 1 for being speedy. No, wait. That didn't apply here. Hey, natural 20. I was a 30 on streetwise treaty. This is the part where we figure out, right? This 30 streetwise is where we figure out that it's all-- this entire town is like the fantasy equivalent of Stepford Wives.

That's why they're so friendly. I love that just like Tyler's shuffling around in the background microwaving things. Yeah. Sorry. Weee. Just-- that's just me. This is one of the-- I know. This is-- I normally wouldn't have to work today, but holiday. Oh, you do have to work. Yeah. Fuck me. I thought we had a limitless time. I know. It's a holiday, and-- It's OK, Tyler. They fuck with my days off on holidays. Yeah, it's OK. Don't worry about it. All right. So 30 streetwise, that's-- yeah, you crack this down wide open, basically. This is, for all intents and purposes, just a peaceful little town.

They don't want to mess with anybody, and they don't want to be messed with. They ended up getting-- there was always a chapel of a monitor in town, but it doubled in size when the old one was burned down. The old one was burned down when it was attacked by vampires, because that was more of a retaliatory thing. That was more like, OK, you're going to start hunting us? OK, we're going to burn your fucking chapel down. And they were attacked in the middle of the night. The rubble is still on the far side of town, and they rebuilt and pretty much doubled it in size right in the center of town, almost as a you're not going to break us type of thing.

But not just that, after the war got really kicked into high gear, a lot of people just got really religious. That's kind of a reactionary thing. On top of that, they have had-- you already kind of learned this, but they have had a serious vampire problem as of late. There have been a lot of attacks at night. It's not so much in town, but if people are traveling on the roads or something, and it's close to town, they will get picked off, or at least attacked. And the lady you met last night was one of the people who have taken it upon themselves to patrol.

They're not a part of the town guard or anything. They're more a part of the chapel, like a militant arm of the chapel. So that's pretty much where everything stands right now. So we didn't get any insight on their take on the war or anything like that? Oh, OK. Well, they've been attacked before. But they're not a major city, and they're far enough away from the Overwatch itself that they're not really under the thumb of anyone. The Overwatch hasn't dedicated enough resources to just take the town. It's really not strategically valuable. It's not like Winterhaven or something like that.

So there's no nearby forest. There's no mine or anything like that. There's nothing of value there. Yeah, there's no reason to come here for that. Right. It's kind of out of the way. It's out of the way for you guys. Unless you're heading east, there's really no reason to go to Albrecht. OK. Then do we want to head in? Or check in with-- what's her name? Alexandra. Yes. That's her. Yeah. So you guys are-- you're heading the chapel then? Yes. OK. So this is a huge-- not gaudy, but it's-- they've invested some money into rebuilding this. Quick thought before we go in anywhere.

Are we right at this building? You're walking down the street. OK. Malchus sidles up beside Rodswell and says, "Rodswell, this seems like the kind of town where you're going to have the most sway, but I would be remiss if I didn't ask. How are you feeling? Are the voices quiet? Are you well?" As of now, surprisingly enough, it seems as if I haven't heard anything recently. I feel like I have my full capacities right now. All right. I'll leave the lead to you if you feel like you need assistance. Just give me a look. I nod. OK, that's it. OK. You stroll on into this chapel.

The place isn't packed by any means. They're not doing a service or anything, but there is the random person just praying, or my loved one's sick, that kind of thing. There's a thin, gray-haired man at the far end, and it looks like he's just going over some papers. He's not really-- he doesn't look intensely busy. And he's wearing the robes of a priest, so he obviously works there. Can I ask another question about the town real quick? Sure. So it's a religious town. How rare is it to be a cleric around here? Is it a common thing? She seemed to have a strong reaction to seeing me, so I'm just curious as to-- So OK.

Let's break down something here just lore-wise for Therian. It's fairly common to see clerics. It's a different thing to-- OK, it's one thing to believe in a god and worship and everything like that. It's not very common to see them in battle. OK. So it's like to see you as an adventurer out and about, like that's kind of like, oh, OK, well, you're a brave soul, that kind of thing. You're taking that to the next level. Because like you saw the new rules posted for the Resurrection Styles. It's an intensely traumatic thing just to bring back-- someone back from the dead, which is something that you're going to be expected to do at some point.

And most people don't want to put themselves in that situation. OK. It's damaging to your physical well-being, your psyche, the whole thing. It's very traumatic. Just healing somebody causes you some degree of pain. But clerics who are in the line of work that you are, they train themselves to deal with that. So it's not a thing where you're like, oh, I healed someone. Oh, my god. How am I-- you've trained yourself to deal with that. That's why a lot of clerics are a little more reserved. Like if you look at group two, that's a perfect example. Like, the Berenith has a really tough time dealing with a lot of different situations because she's got a lot on her plate.

So yeah, lore-wise, that's-- yeah. It's a common thing to see a cleric. It's not so common to see them out in the field. OK. Just wanted to clear that up. So. Yeah. OK. So we will approach the gray-haired gentleman. Now, do we have-- what's her name? So her name was Alexandria? Is that what you said? Alexandria. Yeah. OK. So-- Do we have her with us at the time? She would be in the chapel, yes. OK. Oh, I see. I see. She's not-- She was meeting us outside the inn or something like that. Well, she kind of expected you to wake up earlier. Ah, OK. So she got there. We weren't around.

She just kind of hung around. It was like, OK. And just-- And we don't see her anywhere around us. She's not in her-- so she's this younger redhead. So you probably wouldn't immediately recognize her outside of her regalia and everything. So she's just kind of hanging about the chapel right now. So she's more just dressed kind of commonly. So I approach the guy that was working. And I tell him, excuse me, we were supposed to meet Alexandria this morning. Is she present? She's going to step forward. The guy turns around, and he sees you. She's going to step forward.

These are the men I was telling you about, Father. I met them last night on the road. And he says, oh, yes. Hi, hi, Father White. And he holds his hand out to shake yours first, Roswell. Yeah. I extend my hand, and I say, Roswell Joy-- Joy Bataan. And he goes down the line, and he gets to Yenward and kind of, oh, you're quite the large fellow. And he kind of holds his hand out to shake. Father, Yenward, Firestomp. And he gets down to Drake and holds his hand out. Draconis takes a minute, looks at it, a little hesitant, finally reaches out and shakes his hand and doesn't say a word.

I nod towards Draconis like, thank you for doing that. He gets down to Malkus, and he's a little hesitant, but does hold out his hand and offers to shake it. Malkus will shake his hand and make no indication that that awkward thing just happened. OK, good. And I look towards Father, and I go, I assure you, despite the-- how do I phrase this? Diversity. Despite the diverse appearance of our group, we mean you absolutely no harm. We're all here for the same reason. That's very good to know. We're not really looking for a fight. And he says that and looks directly at Ironhide when he says it.

I will say it's quite rare to see a war forged outside of the traditional red armor. I don't work with them. I would hope not. What can I do for you, gentlemen? Well, we originally came to your town seeking rest and replenishment. And I must say, your townsfolk have been very gracious in accepting us. And the innskeeper is very, very pleasant. Very pleasant people. Thank you. It's more important than ever to be mannerly in times such as these. It's very nice to walk through the streets and not be stared at and called names and such. No one cowered in fear at the sight of Malkus or Dacones.

Everyone was just accepting. And that's something that we don't get in this day and age enough, in my opinion. He nods in agreement. Now, I would like to tell you of our situation if you have the time. Please, yes. Do we need some sort of privacy or can we talk here? It'd be nice to go somewhere a little bit more secluded, if you don't mind me taking my group with me, of course. No, not at all. And he kind of adjourns. He has a rectory in the back. And he invites everyone inside. So this is not a huge room. But everyone's-- you don't feel crammed in it. But it's definitely like you cram eight, nine people and it's starting to get a little stuffy.

Especially with, let's say, a yenward in there. [LAUGHTER] So it's probably a good thing you guys showered up and you all smell nice. Because they'd probably be fairly unbearable in really tight quarters like that. And once everyone's inside and the door is closed, how may I be of service? Well, first, I want to say it is very refreshing to meet an office like this under circumstances like these and not in more dire situations. And I look over at Malkus and I say, I'm sure Malkus would agree with that. Malkus, no. This kind of confuses him. What kind of dire circumstances would you find?

Well, we are adventurers. And we have had many, many different run-ins with different talents, such as Winter Haven, Overwatch. We're actually knights of Winter Haven currently. I don't know your relationship with Winter Haven, if any. We've always had a friendly relationship. Yes, well, we are all knights of Winter Haven. We serve them. And we are currently in a situation-- I'm sure you know of Overwatch. And I heard that you may have been attacked once. More than once, yes. We're well aware. And have you taken sides in the conflict? Are you trying to stay out of it?

What's your allegiance in this? We would rather not fight anyone. But it doesn't appear as though the Overwatch share that sentiment. Well, we didn't originally come here seeking assistance. We're actually traveling from town to town, amassing an army to go against Overwatch currently. We acquired the allegiance of the minotaurs of Thunder Spire. We also have an agreement with Winter Haven that they will assist us as well. And I know that you do not have the numbers that these groups do, nor the manpower. But I was just wondering if there was any assistance that you could give us.

We need everything we can get. So Alexandra just kind of-- her eyes kind of brighten up at this. And Father White speaks up. We don't really have much of a military here. We have a few town guards. And the protectors have taken it upon themselves to patrol the area at night, against my better judgment. But they do seem to be cutting back on the attacks. I don't really know how much assistance we could offer. Well, the first thing that came to my mind was in terms of clerics and healers, we're rather low. Most of our army is made up of soldiers and now minotaurs and such elves.

But we don't have many clerics. I was curious as if you could possibly have some despair or have some that are trained in battle at all. He's kind of stroking his chin and thinking about it. It's not really in our nature to enter conflict. We're taught at a young age to avoid it, to be honest. I understand, Father. We serve the same deity. On the other hand, these are desperate times for those living closer to the Overwatch. And it doesn't appear as though they're going to stop expanding. I would be more than happy to try and offer some type of assistance.

Anything you can offer would be wonderful. The last thing I would want to see is your quaint town destroyed by a merciless dictator who treats it nothing more than as a path to its true goal. I respect you for the fact that you have gone so far and your servitude. And we do, as I said, worship the same deity. So I thank you for any help we can get. I will try the best I can to keep your clerics out of harm's way, perhaps setting up a medical station or something like that so that they don't have to actually get into battle and we can just funnel troops to them.

Would that be more of your liking? That would go a long way to ease any tension with my followers. You said your lot are adventurers. Yes, yes, sir. Would you call yourselves experienced? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. We have taken out many, many foes, some of which you may have heard of. So yes, absolutely. Are you for hire by any chance? That I would have to discuss with my group. I'm sure that we can come to some sort of agreement due to the fact that you are lending us a hand. But what exactly do you have in mind? And then I can discuss it further. As you are no doubt aware, we have more than a little trouble with vampires.

They have been living in the caverns close by. And we can't seem to find them. We've tried hunting them during the day. And unfortunately, we only make it so far in. And our path is blocked, shall we say, by several dangers. I'd be more than happy to share what we've found so far. I feel like this may be the point where Thoril just walks out of the room right now. So you just want to leave? Yeah. I'm just-- You're not currently a vampire. You were a vampire. If this dude looks at Thoril and looks suspicious of Thoril, leaving, Malkus just says, he's got a thing about the V word.

He's had a traumatic experience with vampires. Many of us have, I completely understand. I wouldn't normally ask you to put your lives on the line. But we couldn't fully invest ourselves in the coming battle without first dealing with this problem. Well, I could talk to a couple of the local shop owners. We don't have large piles of gold here. But I could arrange somewhat of a discount in town for anything you may purchase. OK, so the discount. And we have your help with the clerics. Do you mind if I discuss this with my party before we make a decision? Absolutely, please.

OK. And we-- and I kind of motion towards the door like we're all going to step out and if everyone would like to follow me. Yeah, we have-- Yeah, we have-- --trogonos gets up and follows. OK. So what do you guys think? I imagine you kind of link up with Thoril again. Yeah, Thoril was waiting outside smoking a cigarette like he's-- Just like greasing his hair back into a pompadour. Oh, god. So I kind of look at the other party members and I say, you know, they don't have much and they're willing to assist us and give us a discount on their products. What do you guys think about possibly helping them out?

Eh, I'm in. I know Thoril's out. I didn't say I'm out. I'm just weary of it. I mean, how much will this help us? Like, are they willing to-- like, are they still going to help us out a little bit if we don't do this task for them? Is this just like a side thing they're willing to do for us or is this a requirement for them to lend their hand? They-- they want to try to help out no matter what. But they would rather not be attacked while they're helping you out is the big thing. And yeah. Is there any kind-- Go ahead. Is there any kind of check that someone trained could make to see, like, if there's-- like, what their tactical significance would be relative to our effort?

You know what I'm saying? Like, like, is there-- do we want to call history, like, military logistics kind of thing? I feel like a history check's the closest, but-- I guess, yeah, a history check would kind of be the closest. Yeah, that's really not spot on. But-- History, uh-- I got a 16. OK, that's part-- that's-- that's-- Yeah, that's the best. Swing for the fences. I just want to-- like, I mean, why don't we assess what their significance would be and then we'll make the call based on that. Well, Malc-- well, Malcus. Rob, it seems like we have their help either way.

So this would just be-- Oh, awesome. This-- this would just be getting the discounts and kind of getting their trust, so to speak. So what this would be-- yeah, this would be-- they're-- they're going to try to help you out either way. But if they didn't have to worry about being attacked in their town while they're helping you out, they could definitely lean into it a bit more. On top of that, this would be-- like, the discount they offered you is pretty much helping you on your journey. This is-- this is them kind of like, OK, you're-- you're helping us out with this.

We want to-- like, so this would be a discount on the horses you buy, any equipment you buy from-- from the vendors, any-- anything that you would-- you know, so everything that you would buy in town, there'd be a discount, which you'd have to discuss how much of that would be, you know, what the discount would be. Like, you know. You rolled an 18. OK, so a history check isn't really, like, you know, but yeah, that's the closest thing. Having their help-- like, because this is a pretty religious town, there's lots of clerics. There's lots of people in training for-- so even if they aren't cleric clerics, there are people who are trained in healing, bandages, things like that.

So what you would have is a-- is a firm triage center. So people who are injured can be pulled off the field. And I imagine you can have some of these people in battle, depending on, you know, if you want to take them there. So you would have on-the-fly healing, which would probably save up to 10% of your forces? So what this would do, effectively, if we are able to get them at full strength, we would have a front line in the minotaurs. We would have a fallback crew, so to speak, with the elves. They can shoot the arrows from behind. And then we also have a triage medical area for healing.

Right. So it kind of sounds like more of an actual army than what we were set up for previously. Gotcha. Yeah, you guys have-- I mean, you definitely have four so far. But if someone's down, they're down. That's pretty much it. Yeah. With this, you'd be able to save some of them. And this-- I mean, this wouldn't save anybody who is just full and obliterated, of course. Like if, you know, let's say someone is crushed underfoot or something like that. I mean, people who would just take normal wounds in combat could be healed. I'm in to help them. I would-- I, for one, would like this place to be around for travel and relaxation after we're done.

Perhaps a home. There is a house for sale in town. I think it's really-- Is there a complex upgrade system that lets us like decorate it and add room to it? Fuck yes, there is, Rob. You have to buy the DLC. Yeah, you have to buy the DLC. Um, oh, I'm on the fence, but I'll go with whatever the party feels is right. Yeah, me too. What's there to be on the fence about? I don't know, I just-- like the thing, the negative side of it is we could lose precious time trying to do like this side thing. Well, but we did that in Thunder Spire. Anywhere we go, we're going-- Well, in the Thunder Spire, though, that got the minotaurs for our army.

These guys, they'll help us already. This is getting us like further in with them, which I mean, like that is good. There's nothing negative about that, that's good. Just in my mind-- and speaking of Rizaw-- in my mind to accept their help and then turn down what they need, it just seems a kind of a-- Not to mention that vampires could come while we're fighting. All right. This is what I think. I understand where Draconis is coming from, that the minotaurs we got to fight with us are warriors. They're an army. And helping these guys out would only take maybe a few hours, maybe at the most a day to actually see it through.

I don't-- I see them hiding in like a cave or something like that, like what happened last time. So if this takes any-- I'm sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say, if it doesn't take too long, I mean-- Yeah, if it takes days or like a week, then it's like, fuck it, we'll just leave it. Because we need like an army. We need like people ready to fight with us, not-- well, maybe we'll send some guy over there. We'll send Don. We'll send him. I'll say this right now, if we walk out of here without helping them, I am not accepting their help in battle, though.

I cannot do that. OK, we'll just walk and then go to the orcs or somebody that can actually help us. OK, but that's-- Wait, what? They're great healers. They're great healers. I'm saying like we'll go somewhere else and get an army rather than like bullshit around with these guys. I mean, I definitely-- like I said, I'm in for the party. That's-- if you guys want to do it, I'm in for it. So where does the vote stand right now? I'll keep it on the mountain. I'm cool with it as long as it doesn't take too long. OK. Yeah, Ynward said yes, I said yes, Malka said yes.

Draconis and Jarek were whatever the party wants, and Thoril hasn't said anything. We know it is. Why not? OK. There you go. All right, looks like you guys are going vampire hunting. Oh, man. Now, do we want to take time? How much time would it take to go see about Talia helping us? Oh, that's-- you're going to spend about a day and a half traveling all the way back? OK, so it's probably not worth it. No. We can handle this. OK, so we'll assess the situation. We'll assess the situation. If it turns out to be too much for us, we'll just go back and sin Talia. By yourself.

Real quick, can dragonborns become vampires? I don't think-- is that a thing? I don't think that can happen, can it? We'll find out. Oh, whoa. Whoa. I love how he doesn't say we might find out. He says-- Yeah. We'll find out. We'll find out. For the record, I feel like Talia is becoming the Wolverine of this canon. She's like-- we'll just send Talia by herself if we fail. Now she's like Wolverine. Well, not Talia. Liara. Liara. Yes, they are. Sorry. Sorry, I meant Liara. Sorry. Well, in this specific-- yeah, that's-- She's the best there is at what she does? Yes. Yes.

OK. So we walk back in, and I talk to the father. Father. My group discussed it, and while I don't believe that we have time to go get Liara, we will humbly take this quest and try to rid you of your problem. I'm overjoyed to hear that. I wish you the best of luck. I will talk to all the local shop owners. We can offer you a 25% discount on any goods you purchase here. It's not just odds if no one else does anything. Yeah. Yeah, there's no barter check or anything like that. Well, I mean, you could do a diplomacy to see if you can kick it up higher. Also, it's a simian-poverished country town.

Yeah, I mean, yeah. Yeah, no, I think that's-- Basically, a lot of their income comes from adventurers strolling through just like, hey, I need this and buy this. And you guys are rolling with deep pockets too. A great man once said, it's not about the money. It's about sending a message. Who said that? Some famous guy. Some dude I met. Some dude. Do you guys want to go straight to hunting the vampires, or do you want to go shopping or something? Let's kill vampires. You know who I'd like to visit, the relic guy. If we're hunting vampires, that seems like the dude to see, right?

Come on, guys. The hell's the relic guy? Well, there's a guy in town. He sells Artemis. Named Artemis Peck. Name. That's a good name. He works in an establishment called the Trusty Blade. They have a lot of weapons that have been blessed by clergymen. Like, that's their big hook. Like, oh, you protect yourself from vampires. You're going to need holy water, and you're going to need this. So that's like a Castlevania store. Like, if you go there, it's very much like-- Are they hucksters, or is it for reals? Nothing in your experience so far would lead you to believe that it's a town full of swindlers.

But I could see one dude setting up shop in the middle of this great town and selling snake oil. You know what I'm saying? He probably wouldn't last very long. OK. Might run an inside check or something when we get there. Yeah, that's totally-- -- expertise, I would think, to know. Yeah, like, you know, it's like, hey, that's not a legitimate cross. That's a fake cross. That's just some sticks tied together. It's a cross. That's a ninja star. That's a ninja star. OK. OK. Is everyone cool with going over? Like I said, I think at least visiting that might help us out.

OK, so you guys are going shopping. I guess I'll leave this in-- Shoot. I guess I'll leave this in the show. Now, he has-- so on top of your standard-- like, he has your standard armor and stuff like that you can buy. He has a bunch of different curiosities, too. Like, it's like, oh, I can see you guys are-- you're not the standard shopper. You guys are looking for the primo stuff. OK, OK. And he kind of pulls back a curtain and starts. So not so much Huxter, but very much a showman. Like, picture the little salesman from Aladdin, like that kind of thing.

We need to see the weapons behind the beaded curtain. There you go. I was-- men in black when they bring out the alien weapons out of the back of the shop. Noisy cricket. That's what you want to buy, the noisy cricket. Oh, so now how are we going to do the shopping thing? Do we want to role play it, or do we want to just know what we have? I have a number of stuff. Like, if you want to just peruse, he can tell you about it, and it could be like a role play thing. Tell me what you have. I need armor. What are you working with, like a plus one something? My armor was-- if I remember it was shit, but let me take a look real quick here.

Yeah, you're wearing Zagover's chain mail plus one. Yeah, what do they got? Well, all their stuff's going to be like plus two. OK. So you'll have a selection of that stuff. So do you want to just shop for, like, your chain mail first? Sure, yeah. OK, so Rodswell steps up to the counter. So this guy's got kind of a laid back personality. Like, he doesn't seem to be too like-- unlike the little salesman from Aladdin, he's not just like, hey, so he's kind of like, hey, what's up? OK, that's cool. That's cool. So he's now almost McConaughey. I was thinking Matthew McConaughey.

Who he smells? And he's shirtless. Smells like shit. Yes, he's totally shirtless. Like, it's-- No, he's not shirtless, but he keeps finding excuses to take off his shirt. All right. I spilled my water. That's no good. Let me just get out to the forge for a moment. Whip. [LAUGHTER] Constant glistening sweat. Can I buy your abs? I have 7,000 gold. Buy. So anything you purchase, you're going to get a 25% discount. So remember that. So whatever price I quote you, it's going to be-- Don't make me do math to you. I have a calculator. It's cool. I totally own a calculator.

I'm a pretty high roller. OK, wow. Armor of durability plus 2. This might be up here. So this just comes with his armor. This isn't a daily or anything. You gain an item bonus to your healing surge value equal to the armor's enchant bonus. So that's plus 2 to your healing surges. Oh, wow. Yeah. Plus any other bonuses that you get with your healing surge. Yeah. OK. As a healer, that sounds like what I would-- yeah, that sounds right. OK. So you're going to purchase that. Are there any weapons that are better than plus 2, or is it just plus 2? Plus 2. All the armor is plus 2, yeah.

Are there any long swords, or-- Yeah, there's a rack of stuff. Like I said, is it better than plus 2, or is it just plus 2? Because it's just plus 2. I'm not going to look at it. It'd be like plus 2. OK, I already got that. I don't have boots, though. Should I get some boots? He has boots. Should you get some sexy new boots, guys? What's the best boots? Just spread off. Best boots. They're called best boots. OK. Let's see, first let's add this up so-- So only neck pieces, armor, and weapons have those static plus bonuses that are important to keeping your math up.

Everything else is situationally useful. Like, you don't want to-- there is no best. It's what do you want to be able to do, because it's all-- Yeah. Gotcha. OK. Any healing boots? [LAUGHTER] There's something in there. Hold on a second. Nurses' shoes. Nurses, yeah. Oh, nice. Those blue things the doctors put over their shoes when they walk into search. So far, you've saved 1,050 gold. You've acquired sanitary booties of the field medic. All right, let's see what they got here. So a lot of these are going to be like-- let's see here. Boots of Furious speed, the boots.

Gain plus two bonus to speed while bloodied. OK. OK, so thinking about this, I think I want the boots of speed, because if I get bloodied or hurt, I think it'd be good for me to get up out of the way so I can heal myself and continue to do my job on others. So-- OK. Especially-- I'll let you know, these are going to be like 3,000 gold. That's fine, especially since my speed isn't that good. Jason, oh. Yes. Are you going by the standard selling items? You get 20% of the retail value if we want to sell old magic items to this guy? Yeah, yeah, that's totally cool.

Think I can sell Delver's armor to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as we're done this, before I do the full tally, I'll sell your other stuff back, and then-- OK. Now, the only other thing I want to ask is you said something about holy water. Is that available? It sure is. Yeah, he's got-- so he's got like a crate of this stuff. Like, there's these little vials that are filled with holy water. There are 100 gold a pop. OK. I don't know if you'd like to purchase any of that. Probably wouldn't hurt. Maybe five-ish sounds good. The n-word. OK. So do you want to hear about the specials, or do you want to just look for armor and stuff?

I want to hear the specials. All right. So he kind of is like, oh, OK, you're a discerning customer. All right. And he kind of like parts this curtain. And so there are several items here. There's the Lucky Charm, which is this severed rabbit's foot that is said to bring great luck to those who purchase it. It's going to give you a plus two to fortitude reflex and will. And as a daily action, if you miss with an attack or fail a skill check, ability check, or saving throw, you can roll a d6 and add the result to the attack roll skill check ability. That's pretty gangster.

That is $3,000. OK. Gold. OK. There's the healer's brooch that, again, plus two to fortitude reflex and will. And when you use a power that enables you or an ally to regain hit points, add the brooch's enchantment bonus to the hit points you gain. So that'd be plus two. OK. There's something called the Goliath's Belt, which gives you a plus two item bonus on strength attacks to bull rush or grab a target. In addition, you can attempt to bull rush or grab a target up to two sizes larger than you. OK. Then there's something-- this is kind of a curious little item.

It's called the Chalice of Fellowship. This is a weird thing, but stick with me. It's kind of cool. So it is a goblin, a chalice, that-- let's say you are all going to bed for the night or taking a rest. If someone raises this chalice, each ally within 10 squares of you can speak fair words of his or her companions' deeds. Those who do so and then take an extended rest gain five temporary hit points at the end of the extended rest. And you'd have that until the end of your next combat. Oh, OK. That's 2,200 gold. There's something called the Endless Canteen.

And normally, this would be a thing where the first beverage you fill it up with will endlessly refill from here to eternity. So you pour it out, and then a little while later, oh, it refilled. Normally, that's for water. The person who owned it and then traded it in used it for wine. Hey, Malkus. You got it. And then there's something called the Helm of Battle, finally. You and each ally within five squares of you gain a plus one item bonus to initiative checks. It's like this giant bearskin-- it's a bear's head, basically. It's like a helmet type of thing.

Kind of like that. But there's more useful things, I think. You can't buy two. Oh, no, which one would be most helpful? Not the flask. That's more of a Malkus purchase, most likely. And that's kind of on the cheap. That's like 2,200. Plus, you guys get a discount. Yeah. The chalice is kind of cool. And I like the lucky rabbit's foot. And I like the bear's head. I've seen people to say nice things about you. That's kind of-- For this group, it's a little difficult. We're always at each other's throats. Justin's part of this. Everyone go around the table, say some nice stuff about each other.

OK, what is the chalice's bonus again? You gain-- so before you guys take an extended rest, what you do is you hold it aloft and cheers to everyone. And you just start saying nice shit about each other. And then everyone who takes part in that gets plus five temp hit points. Again, we're becomes group one's guidance counselor. I'm thinking I'm wanting to go with the bear head to give everybody a boost in their initiative. Let me start off with-- Oh, that's everyone? I thought it was just you. Is anyone-- Anyone standing within five squares. Oh, shit. OK. OK.

I think I'll put that in my basket. OK. I'm pretty set with Stormrender. I don't think he's going to have anything better than Stormrender. Fuck no. That's totally-- no. Want to buy some holy waters? OK. Take five of those. OK. You know what? You just throw the armor that's most applicable to Yennward in the basket, because I do want the bonus. OK. Now, he says he buys things as well. Yeah. Yeah. So let me sell your old armor here. I also happen to have a legendary axe here that I'm not using. Well, not legendary. It's infamous. Well, yeah. So you want to just present it to him, see what he'd give you for it?

You heard of the blood letter. And he takes it from you and, all right. OK, it's got some heft to it. How much you want? How much you looking to spend? [LAUGHTER] I invented this game, sir. Don't play with me. How about 500? How about a trade? OK, what do you want for it? This axe, that rabbit's foot, clean break. All right. OK, cool. We got yourself a deal. Right on, man. So you are surrendering blood letter. And in return, you are getting a rabbit's foot. Yes. Serval trade. I have storm armor. I know. You're welcome to buy blood letter back from him if you want it.

No, I'm good. Yamrin's pile of treasures has dwindled since we visited a store. Well, we kind of knew that was going to happen. Good thing I'm too big for a horse. What does the water do? Is it like just a healing potion, basically? The holy one? Well, that could be used against vampires. It's pretty much only good against vampires. You can't drink it? No. Well, you can. Jesus. It's refreshing, I guess. It's like the water boy, it's still cold. Yes. [LAUGHTER] 20 years in the making, everybody. Good night, everyone. Good night. You can do it. Oh, no. Total there on the table.

You know, for one, someone's actually messing around with dishes and it's not me. That's probably wrong. I'm done. It's all good. Done. We're going to probably cut most of this anyway. It's all good. Except for your classic water boy material, obviously. Been sitting on that for a while, didn't I? [LAUGHTER] You are down to 700 gold. Holy shit. Wait, didn't he buy my amulets off of me? Oh, you're right. I'm sorry. You have-- 750 gold. [LAUGHTER] Full? You're sitting on about 1,000, then. Nice. There you go. OK, Draconis, let's do this. And-- That's your catchphrase.

I didn't even mean to do that. It was just-- Draconis, the wizard. We really need a-- we really need a pull string, Draconis, that says, let's do this when you pull the string. I'm sure we can figure out how to do that. It can be done. Got to be some toy makers out there. Draconis, watch the hole. Carry out a pull string. Once again, we're at Ruxpin. I want a pull string DM that just makes '90s references the whole time. I also want a plushie. Snoochie boochies. Not everything that comes out of Dan's mouth is gold. I'm just going to throw that. I know. It's just you did two in a row.

It was funny. I imagine you'd like to buy a new robe, Draconis. If there is some good ones in there, yeah, definitely. We've got some stuff for you, I'm sure. I was about to say. Survivor's armor, plus two to AC. Then you get a daily use this power when you're hit by an attack. Choose a willing ally within five squares of you. That ally takes the damage instead. Oh, that sounds fantastic. A willing ally. Oh, willing ally. Oh, shit. You better make close friends. Who wants to take this damage? I got a bunch of damage. Who wants it? Is there-- OK, is there another one?

Here's something kind of cool. Robe of Contingency. So you get plus two to AC. Use this power when you're bloodied and when an attack damages you. Teleport six squares and you can spend a healing surge. That's pretty cool. That sounds good. Do you want to go with that one? Yeah, I like that a lot. All right, so we'll use that. If I get bloody. That'll be 3150. Whoa. Oh. Hot damn. That's with your discount. That's good. Economic shots fired. Yeah, seriously. We are stimulating the fuck out of Aubrey's economy. Oh, you are. Dude, you're dropping-- you're making it rain in Aubrey.

They're going to love us. Yeah, that's-- yeah, you guys are-- You guys realize what we're doing. The price of bread is going to rocket through the roof because everyone's going to be flush with cash. We're just-- we're sinking this economy. That's what we're doing. People are going to be charging like 10 gold for a loaf of bread. Dude, whatever. They were using the farmer's market to get their salads and shit. They know that shit was frozen. This place is fine. We're not doing nothing. You come back in like four years, it's fucking-- I got this organic salad.

I only eat fresh grapes. Can we go to Entireville? We're going to the city. We came to bring them civilization. Instead, we brought them greed. Now, you said you wanted to look for a wand too? Yeah, there's a wand in there. OK. They do happen to have some wands. I'm on a budget now, so-- I want to do a lot of damage, but I don't want to spend a lot. Yeah. I'm sorry, that was fun. Because I want to have enough to buy a horse after we leave here. Oh, yeah, you guys don't have horses. You have a Nimbus cloud. He's a Nimbus cloud. All I'm imagining now is Jake going, I want to kill goblins efficiently, but who has the money these days?

There's got to be a better way. If you're in an adventure on a budget like me, you should talk to Artemis's Prodigies Emporium. I just want someone to make a cartoon of Yinward in an infomercial. Generic '90s commercial music. Yeah, with Draconis as the other guy, where Yinward's like, how much would you pay for this magic wand? Draconis is like-- They do one of those white guy raps where Draconis is in a baseball cap backwards. Draconis just has another wand and he's waving it and nothing's happening. Oh, what am I going to do? Well, then I'll just hold off on the wand for now.

OK, OK. Are you looking to buy any holy water, anything like that? Any of these other relics? Or are you just saving your money? I don't need that shit. OK. Who's next? I'll go. OK. All righty. That guy. All I need is something new and plus two for my next slot and I'll be fine. OK. There-- I don't know if you heard about this, Rob, but there is a canteen. Yeah, you have to buy it, Rob. Eh. Yeah, with alcoholic. Let's stick to the critical purchase. Might be able to find a-- See, he does throw his gold in there. Can I take the canteen when he's not looking? You want to make a thievery check?

Yeah, let's just rob this guy. You can't take us all on. Just bum rush the store and run out. I'm pretty sure we could just destroy the city if we wanted to. Do you guys not like the short term or the long term memory you have? Just joking. Let's destroy the city that has given us such great hospitality. I want to-- I want to have it known. The first place I offer up to you that isn't a fucking cesspool hellhole, you guys go, "You know, we could wreck this place pretty quickly if we went like instantly." Just caution. People are really unsuspecting. Yeah, we're just kidding, but seriously though, we could fucking level the city.

We could show an air crush, he's probably like, "Uh, they have a lovely raven cloak?" What's the deal? Uh, gain plus five, resist to cold and necrotic damage. Daily, if you fail a saving throw, you reroll that saving throw with a plus five bonus. If the saving throw is a death saving throw, you get a plus 10 bonus. I like it. Ship it. All right. And then we'll sell off any of my other magic items for whatever I'll give me and I'll be done. Okay. Thoril or Ironhide, who's next? I'll go. What were you after? Um, I guess I can't really get a sword because I guess I got like the best one I could have.

Especially right now because it's silver. You know, we're gonna be fighting vampires. That will give you a bonus against vampires, by the way. That's why I'm going to keep it, all right? That's okay with you? That's fine. How about armor? Other armor. Here's one. It's just called Anacortes. You gain a plus two item bonus to saving throws against restraining and immobilizing effects. In addition, you gain an item bonus to skill checks to attempt to escape. The bonus equals the armor, so that's plus two and all that stuff. I hope for escaping and for bonus. Saving throws and restraining, like if you're immobilized or restrained.

Okay, yeah, actually, yeah. Let's, let's grab that one. Okay. Is there anything else, any of those other specials that kind of like, hey, dig that? Okay, well, how much is this all going to cost? Like the armor? Oh, that's 31.50 so far. Jesus. You can get the chalice of fellowship. Um, I don't do the whole nice things to like, your hair looks very good today. I like your hair. Uh, there's the endless canteen filled with wine. Don't drink. How about, how about like potions? Sure, you can get that. Five of your potions. Uh, right now, let me see, what do you got left in potions?

I believe the n-word has like, I don't have any potions and I drank that. I gave that. I have three. Okay, yes, you did because you used to, okay, so you have three left. Okay. He downed it. Ironhide doesn't really need holy waters because he can't really get bit. That's true. Just break their teeth on his neck. They wouldn't really be foolish enough to try and bite the robot. Act like you won't, you'll get motor oil, like at best. Uh, so yeah, let me go to the marketplace here. There's- Guys, don't bite this shiny one, you fucking broke my tooth. So, so mad right now.

Damn it. The fuck am I going to get this fixed? Now you guys are stabbing me. I look stupid. And let's go to Thoril. Okay. I almost went to vampire Thoril. Though we may have to dust that off at some point. We never know. That's why I keep these character shades. Hahaha. Would vampire n-word. Would that even affect him because he's covered in fur? Oh my god. Can you imagine a vampire yen-word? Just imagining yen-words fur turning like gray. How much blood that would take to sustain that. Destroy an entire human being. It just kills a small child every day. The cow's flat teeth trying to drain blood from somebody.

Pretty much any living thing can be turned into a vampire. Sylvan armor, gain an item bonus to athletics checks and stealth checks equal to your armor's enchantment bonus. So that's plus two. Yeah, we could do that one. Does he have any arrows? Hey, look at you. He does have arrows. How much do they cost a piece? Now there's standard arrows and things. Hold on a second. Let me look for... Oh no, there's tiers of arrows? Oh, there's special arrows. You could totally be, you know, you can be green arrow if you want. Uh, ammunition. To buy the box of arrows, please.

I'll probably just do standard arrows because I don't use them that much at all. How much do you use? Just a pack of like, you're looking at like 25 gold. Just like a pack of 30. Okay, cool. That's so affordable for him to have only had one this whole time. It is a little silly. I don't know why he had one or how that came to be. Yes. It's the one I found on the ground. It's one of those quirky things. It's like, all right, cool. All right, cool. You have won. Now's the time. Using it. I'm cashing in my arrow, guys. Oh shit, guys. Fuck, he's drawing his arrow. I didn't even know he knew how to do that.

While we're waiting, I'll tell you about this really funny shirt, guys. So it has a picture of a Nintendo cartridge on it. Okay. And underneath it... Blow me. Wait, it's... Damn it. Sorry. I hear the punchline. Go ahead. Okay, okay. It's underneath it. It says, "Blow me." Ah! Oh, that's racy. Because you blow the cartridge. That's racy. That's racy. That's so bawdy. All right, so you're heading off to the cavern right now. Woo! Now... So, I'm sorry. The father said that he was going to have something for us or information for us or something like that. Yes, that's what I was just going to get to.

This thing... Okay, this place is riddled with traps, is what he's saying. They've had several people who have attempted to explore the cavern and they've either been injured in the process or flat out just never returned. Then they just stopped exploring this cavern and just said, "Look, let's just focus on defending the town proper and when we can deal with this problem, we'll go in and just take care of it wholesale." So you guys are their solution to that. Knowing that, what we're going to do is we're just going to have you guys explore the cavern slowly and we'll deal with whatever comes up.

Okay, just for record's sake, Thoril, you have the highest dungeon area. So, anytime that we need to look for traps and stuff, that would be you. So, okay, you guys have... If you guys want to place your characters in this area, somewhere in here... How cool is that? So, you guys have come to the entrance of this cavern. It's daytime, but the inside of this cavern is pretty damn dark. Of course, you guys have torches and such and some of you are equipped with the low light vision. Actually, I think just Malkus. I thought, "Don't I have something cool?" You have enough cool things.

"Don't I have ways for things?" "It's a robot. You should be able to see Terminator. It's all red." "Minotaurs live in labyrinths. Why can't I see in the dark?" "Vision normal. Darn." "So it's low light, so we can't see in here or we can or what?" With torches, you can see in front of you. "And did you say we have torches?" Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys have your standard adventuring kit stuff. "Okay." Yeah, so... "Because I could cast Sun's Glow out there if we needed to." True, you got that too. Which may fucking come in handy. So standing at the entrance of this cavern, what would you like to do?

You don't see anything in the immediate surroundings. I think first off, we probably have Thoril run the Dungeoneering check. Okay, now what are you running the Dungeoneering check on specifically there, Thoril? I don't know exactly. What do you guys want me to... The mouth of the cavern. I'll do a Dungeoneering check on the area sort of in front of us. 28. Okay. Thoril kind of steps into the cavern a little bit and scans the area, and it's dead silent, this thing, except for the echoes of your footsteps. And Thoril doesn't see anything in the immediate surroundings that would indicate that there's a trap present.

Okay, so should we just push on, gentlemen? So you just walk forward to the next... Let's do it. To speed this up, I'm not going to have you do every footstep, fucking, you know. So just you come up to a bend, and you can kind of see where it curves around, and you're walking downward as you walk. You can feel the ground kind of slope downward. Do you want to do any checks or you just want to keep forward? I can do another Dungeoneering check if you guys want me to. I think we should probably do it on every room. That's just my opinion. I don't know what the party thinks.

Natural 20, 32. Nice. Thoril doesn't see anything in the vicinity, like nothing. Like it still appears all clear. So again, pitch black. And you've reached the point in the cavern where you can't hear the outside world anymore. The sound's just kind of bouncing around in the cave. And you reach this expanse where it's natural. It's not man-made, but it does stand out. Like it's this long corridor, and you can't see the end of the hallway because it's so damn dark. So I'm going to have you guys kind of advance down the... So up there is where we can't see? Right.

So this, like you can see that it's kind of... It's about 10 feet wide and you can't exactly tell how long it is because it's so damn dark. But if you guys want to just start making your way through here. Well, first off, I have Sun's Glow and it is at will. So can I throw that out? Sure you can. I mean, it's... Let me see, Sun's Glow specifically. It's red light fills its space in squares within four squares of it. Yeah, so I mean, it'll just be slightly brighter than what your torches are. Right, but I mean, I can throw it out. How far can I throw it out?

It's melee one. Oh, so right in front of me? Never mind. Yeah, yeah. I got it. Pretty much. Natural 20 again, 32. Right in front of you, you see about like this area right here. You're seeing what appear to be like little holes in the floor, like little slats. And it looks like what could be like a makeshift pressure plate. So this area right here. So we go around it? That would probably be an idea. So how far ahead are we safe? Like how far ahead can we... Right about there, like if you want to make another... Like if you're standing right here, you want to make another check. 26.

Right in front of that, you see another area that looks like another set of pressure plates. But we can go diagonal, right? You'd probably have to jump across it. Oh, we can't go from there to there. Is that a whole... Acrobatics or acrobatics? I am ready for this. This would be acrobatics. I don't wanna... It's... Shit. This is a hole that would... Yeah, you don't want to fall in that hole. It's a precipice. Yeah, so this would be an acrobatics check. It's not a high one. You can get a running start too, if you'd like. Oh, I got an 18. Okay, so that's a running start over...

Yeah, so you clear the gap, you're fine. Would it be a higher strength check if I had Yinward throw me across? It depends on how you guys... This isn't a very high check at all. This is like the equivalent of like... Just jumping over a creek. Yeah, like hopping over a manhole cover or something like that. So these are holes, right? Yes. I got a 26. So why don't we do the old rope and... You guys have had mixed luck with holes and stuff. See, I got a six. That's my issue. All right, so... Okay. I got a 26. I made it. Hold on a second. Rodswell goes to leap over this trap.

There goes Joy Baton number two. Oh, man. I regret everything. So Rodswell takes a running leap over this trap and soars about two and a half feet. And lands square in the center of this thing. Cool. So what's... Okay. This is gonna make a six. He just like trips over himself. It's not like a crit miss. Like he falls face first on this thing. So this is gonna be an attack versus your reflex. 26 versus your reflex. I'm guessing that's gonna... Yeah. Okay. So what's gonna happen is these sharpened, like, pungy sticks are going to jut up out of the floor and just kind of gore your feet and ankles.

Oh, okay. Ow. And it's gonna do 12 damage. It's not good for your arches. Can I do a heel check? So let's see here. Let's take away your health first. E10 plus six. Holy shit. Because of potential to do a lot of... You don't want to get hit with these is the moral of the story. So you're still standing on this trap and these things come jutting up out of the floor and just kind of gore your feet. And I would imagine you have a reaction to something like that. Yes. Ow. That's good role play, Dan. Thanks. Excellent. Okay. As I get the running start, I go for the dive over, stumble over my feet a bit, and one of my feet land on the pressure plate, spikes come up.

I try to dodge out of the way. I can't. It shoots me, I guess. How high are the spikes? These things are kind of like a crisscross pattern. They come up about a foot and a half. Okay. Blood, curdling, scream comes out. That's going through my, like, shins and shits. So yeah. Which reverberates throughout the entire cavern. Like, this is something that just carries and it seems to bounce forever and then come back to you. And you're still kind of standing on this trap. And then the... I... Are you trying to, like, limp off of it? Can I grab them and pull them over?

Yeah, sure can. All right. I'm gonna grab them and pull them towards me. So the second your weight comes off of it, these spikes retract and kind of come out of your foot. So, yeah. So, okay. You said something about a running start. Sure. What does that do? Basically, if you're telling me you're taking a running start, that's taking, like, that decreases the difficulty check, like, on my end. Okay, I'll do that. Okay, so running start and roll acrobatics. 13. You clear it. You're fine. Jump to the other side. Again, this is a five foot jump. This is the equivalent of, like, jumping over an open manhole cover.

I weigh half a ton. I'm just saying. Making this worse for Dan. I just tripped. Okay, you haven't anybody. I'm wearing a robe. You guys are essentially playing a game of the floor is lava. That's what you're doing here. Malkus? Yeah. Athletics, right? Yep. Acrobatics. Acrobatics. Sorry. Acrobatics. Acrobatics. Well, that's good. That's because then that will didn't count. Sure, because the knowledge of that would have... Well, it's a different modifier. Okay. There you go. 19. Okay. Yes. Malkus sprints and definitely clears the... Hold on a second. It took him two rolls, but yeah, sure.

He got it. Uh, Malkus. Okay. Ironhide's the only one left. Now, Thor, you may want to make a engineering check, please. I got to put it back down. 31. There are two more traps directly in front of you. Shit. Okay. I can jump. It's out of the way before he can get here. Yes. Basically, you guys are taking up all the occupied spaces. I'll jump first. Occupado. 21. That's funny, though. Well, I'll jump over you. Okay. UFT. Yeah, it's fine. You're fine. Yes. Running start. Wait, wait, wait. Oh, damn it. Boom. Okay. I was going to see what the logistics were about him throwing me over.

You can't have a bad roll both times. Come on. Sure, I can. Have you met Rodswell? Doesn't last in time. Uh, running start. Should I do another acrobatics to jump over this little hole so I can get out of the way? Well, here's the thing. If you fail an acrobatics for the hole, if you fall into the hole, you will. Run into engineering right now. 26. You spot two more traps a little further down into the cavern. So just have Ynward move forward and you can move forward and then there's... Okay. All right, so Ironhide, you might want to try and clear this now? Yeah.

Okay, go ahead. Acrobatics check. Acrobatics? As long as athletics. Nope. That's interesting. How about a ten? At the last second, I jump a second time. Don't jump. Spikes come up. Error, error. Uh, yeah, you're gonna catch your foot on the last bit of this here. So 19 against your reflex. That misses. Oh, it does. It does. I don't know when you're fucking serious or not. No more. Bro, bro, reflex, bro. So you step on this trap and somehow, even though your foot is placed just so that all of these things miss your foot, they kind of form a little teepee around your foot.

Like, it's amazing. Who wants to try to move now? Can't Draconis just fly over this shit? I can. Yes. I can. But he chooses to. I don't want to waste it, though. I don't want to waste my move in case I need it. Like, I don't know what... You have never used it ever. True. That is true. Tensor's flying disk, you have never used it. Can he carry me with him? Yes. It depends on how high his check is. There was an item that allowed someone to fly. So it lasts for 10 minutes. You roll an Arcana check when you first use it. All right, well, you know what, then? Yeah. So give me an Arcana check.

Boom. 22. 22. Let's see. You can carry... Okay. Well, okay. You can carry up to 500 pounds. Oh. Which is less than what you weigh. Yeah. Okay. So he can send me across, right? He has to be within five squares of it, too. So yes, technically someone else could be... Yeah. Can... who weighs the least? Can somebody ride with me? No, you can't carry yourself. You can't even carry yourself. Oh. You weigh too much. No, wait. I weigh 278. I could have swore you weighed more than that, but okay. Oh, then I can go with him. Yeah. Yeah. How much does Ranswa weigh? Nothing. So you're 195.

Yeah. So you could both squeeze onto this little floating dish. Let's do it. Take me after Conus. Yeah. Hop on. All right. Yeah. So I can't... Oh, wait, Falkor. Okay. In the midst of all this, he jumps the first one, and it's like, "Fuck this," and throws the tensor's floating disk on the ground. And both of you kind of arm in arm... It's a small floating disk, so you basically have to hug each other while you're on it. Can it just be Draconis standing tall, and I'm wrapped around his waist kind of thing? Well, then you'd be hanging off of the thing. So both of you can fly to the other side safely.

Hell yeah. And the rest of you are kind of left to fight for yourself. You suckers on the other side. We're turning on. Running start. Huh. What? Running start. Okay. You got a running start. Yennward catches his hoof in the... Hoof? I don't know why I said that. Hoof. His hoof. In the back. Yeah. So it will probably catch your ankle or something? With your fucking head off. Versus reflex? Uh, that hits. Okay. So much crit. 20 damage. Wow. That was a crit. So that totally catches his... Go, "Ah!" Like that's not a pleasant experience. Now, since we're not in battle, if we get to the end of this, we can use healing surges.

You sure can. Yeah, so... Sure, sure can. Anybody in the back there want to try it? Ironhide? Malchus? All right, what do you want? I'm gonna drag myself off of this. Thanks. Don't go too far. Wait for, uh, wait for Thoril. Oh yeah, I gotta jump over this, don't I? Yeah. Running start, huh. 21. Uh, you clear it, you're fine. Nice. Okay. You ready, Jason? Yep. Spider scuttle. I just go along the wall and get there. Ah! Ah! The lamb. I have five Malchus. And Ironhide's the only one. Can I try to run on the wall, Prince of Persia-like, because of my... My boots? Wait a sec, okay, yeah.

Um... No? Why not? Because they're so cool, and I want to be cool. They keep you from losing balance. They don't, like, they, that's like on ice and slippery surfaces and things. That doesn't give you the power to walk up walls. Jump it. Um, I guess try to jump, right? Where am I at? Right here now? Where am I? I imagine you're walking off the pressure plate and you're up to the next set. So I'm jumping over this? Running jump. Yes. Running jump. Whatever, I don't care. All right, running jump. Seven. Oh my god. I won't. Well, we find out Warforged cannot jump. He's, he's 500 pounds.

Give him a break. I saw that Warforged can't jump. Oof, that hits. Uh, yeah, 22 versus your reflex is gonna hit. Um, okay, these, these pungy sticks come up and, and totally hit you this time for 11 damage. So that's unpleasant. Um, but you can kind of remove yourself and walk on to the next. Does he have to scream or anything, or? Um, it's, I, it's, how, how do you choose to deal with that there, Ironhide? A very manly grunt. That screams, I don't approve. Such a swerve, like that kind of, like you're catching it in your throat kind of thing. Like a Ron Swanson in pain type deal.

Uh, running jump, go ahead, Justin. How about you taking damage? No, okay, yeah, that electrical orb wouldn't really help. It would just pull Yinward into it. Why would you? That would have been a dick move, right? And, nine. And one. I'm picturing, uh, Shaun of the Dead, like the, the big dude just falling through a fence. Uh, 15 versus your reflex isn't gonna hit though. 15, no. So again, like you land in just such a way that it doesn't gore you. Um, you hit every trap. You sure did. You encountered some. Then I did. Okay, you guys gonna move on? Uh, do, uh, be clear?

How much is healing, Serge? Huh? What is it? How much is, if I get a healing, Serge, how much does that heal me? Jesus, your Serge value is 17. How about mine? Yeah, throw me, throw me a Serge. Uh, Yinward's is 21. I'll do that. Um, anybody else, Serge? Do I get like an extra, like a temp one, because he goes over? Nope. Oh, okay. Ironhide, Serge. Those are at the trust. You know, I think I'm good. I only took 11 damage. All right, so are you moving on? Yep, yes. We're gonna leave. Okay, I'm scared. Uh, when Thoril goes to move forward, there was one trap that, uh, that he missed.

Awesome. Uh, 18 versus your reflex, that'll probably miss. No miss. Totally, totally miss. Okay, and now you guys are clear. Walking further into this cavern, um, instead of it getting darker, it, uh, there appears to be a fiery glow coming from the corridor in front of you. That's because there is a tear kind of diagonally across your path. Oh no, I think I recognize that. Uh, there is a diagonal tear in front of you and it is filled with lava. Do you want to do a dungeon area on the area between us and the lava real quick before we get up there? Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, I was posting proof that there are two Thorils on my monitor. I don't care. Is, uh, is the, is the floating disc still available? We can, you know, ferry people back. Why don't we just ferry people back and forth until we're, how far can it go from you? Five, uh, five spaces. Yeah. Okay. So everyone who's, everyone who's underweight can just ride across and get ferried. That's part of the battle. Yeah, he has to, he has to do another check. Um, are there, he did a dungeon area, are we cool to move forward? You don't appear to see anything in front of you beyond that, that gash in the earth.

Okay. So yeah, he has to do it some kind of check, right? Yep. A roll for the... Well, it's still out unless he dismissed it. It's still out with him. It's, it's something I guess he carried with, like he could still be floating. Yeah, cool. Okay. So that covers us, right? I mean, five spaces that, well. So you can take, uh, Rodswell, Thoril and Malkus across. Okay. Everyone else. I'm gonna take Thoril first. And yourself. I'll take Thoril first. Okay. So you can just stand there. You don't need to awkwardly... Oh, we don't need to do that. You can just stand there cause it's within five squares.

So you can take Thoril across. He's across. And I imagine Malkus and... Yeah. Shuttle Malkus and yeah, Rodswell. Okay. So now's the tricky part. I imagine you're making it across too. Yeah. Yep. And by this time you're pretty much reaching the expiration time. Like it's a 10 minute thing. So you're getting close to the time. Now we come to a decision on your part, guys. You need to clear this gap. This is a... It's about the same jump as it was for the traps. Okay. So the problem is the penalty for fucking up this jump is higher. Like significantly higher. Okay. So do we want to see, could he possibly throw it out again and do another roll and see if he can carry more weight just to see if we could possibly cover those? 20 more pounds and I can fly over.

There would be a cool down for that. Like that's just... Yeah. Okay. Then do we want to get some kind of rope set up on us? Do we have a fail safe here? So wait, wait. Everybody made it across except for Jan, word and me. Yeah. They can fly across. We can't. We're too heavy. Whatever. It's worse or it's way dust. Let's make a hotel right here. You know what? Let's turn back and leave those fucks. Fuck it. Hey, I will hover back over there. Smell you later. So what do you guys want to do here? Can... Um... I don't know. We don't have any rope or anything, do we? Yeah, we have rope.

You got your standard rope and stuff. Yeah. All right. Well, let's just, uh... Yeah, let's tether to, like, I guess the four of us and maybe throw them one end. Yeah. I haven't tried to jump. Well, let's... Why don't we tie all of our ropes together to make it stronger and then throw it over so that... Kind of do a weave job on it and then toss it over to them. And then now here's the question. Do we want them to just... Like, how deep is the lava? Does it matter? There's really no way of telling that. Like, it's... You're imagining it's fairly deep. Like, it's...

You drop a plumb line, it doesn't come back. No, I mean, how far away from us is the lava if you go down? How far down until you hit lava? Yes, that's what I'm asking. Um, you're talking like... It's pretty much right there. Like, imagine it being kind of bubbling at the surface. Okay, so the rope really isn't going to do anything. Yeah, you're right. The rope's just going to drag them through lava. I was about to say, for god's sake. It comes out faster. I mean, I guess the rope could bring them out faster if they fall... If they fell in the lava. Although, I mean...

I think Ironhide might have a chance to survive that. T2 style. I don't know. I was about to say, I see Terminator 2 happening right here. I don't think... I think the second Yynward falls in the lava, though, he's... Lava'd. Right? Like, there's no... Everything has damage values. It's nothing... Basically, here's the only thing that will save us. A running start. That's all you got. And unless anybody can think of anything clever... Malchus, got anything? Uh, I'm looking through my powers and stuff, but... This is an athletics check, right? Acrobatics. Can we reveal more of the, uh...

Like, now that we're on the other side, can we reveal more? Sure. So we can maybe give them a little bit of room, so they can jump. Thor, you want to run a check real quick? Oh, shit. Yeah, go ahead. I'm sure it's nothing. Sick scene. Never know. The world doesn't perceive any traps in the immediate area. Oh, shit. I don't like the way he said that. I can't run an engineering, right? I'm not moving. Um, Thoril's kind of your designated check for that one. Yeah. Toss me to the end of that rope. Let's do this. I don't think the rope's not gonna help you, man. Yeah. Running jump.

Oh, god! Oh, god! Oh! Can I use lightning roll on him? He goes, "Running jump." Hold up. Hold up. Okay, uh, Yenward is going to stumble forward. He's gonna get partway over this chasm and kind of land feet first onto the side of this. Now, this is gonna be... Okay, wow, this is gonna be an attack. So basically, if this attack were to miss, then it would be Yenward kind of clawing at the sides of this thing. Like, it would be, like, him just barely... But yeah, he's still in the pit here. So that's 31 ver... Okay, yeah, never mind. You're dead. It kept me like Mario in Mario 64, where his butt just gets set on fire and he flies up.

Uh, that's 27 damage. Jesus. That ain't... Uh, okay. Can I run back? Like, grab him and help him? Well, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're still in the pit. Let's not... Let's not... Don't be... You're still there. This is where the rope would have come in handy. Wouldn't the rope have burnt, though, as soon as he got in the... I mean... Well, it's... It's, like, it's... He's not completely submerged in lava. Like, it's... Why would you deny me the rope? I asked everybody, and everyone's like, "Yeah, rope won't help." And I'm like, "All right." I didn't think it would. What...

What, uh, is this... Like, what kind of damage is this? Gonna be, like, fire damage or... It's fire damage, yeah. Obviously fire damage. Uh, 4d10 plus five. I mean, honestly, we could throw a rope at him now. That would be some kind of check, but... It sure would. Oh, well, let's do that, I guess, since we don't have... Okay. What check do we need? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's do Ironhide first. Yeah, because we might need to do both of them at the same time, so... Oh, God. Ironhide, go ahead. He didn't have a badge. I feel as though that Ironhide would jump as he's watching Yennward, like, claw his way.

Just kind of use him. Step on his head and... Step on his head? Yeah. Okay. God's pain. Any day, Ironhide. Any day. Just shut up, dude. Just give me... Just open the water. It's not that cold. Ah, ah, ah. My armor that I just bought. It says, "I gain an item bonus or skill check to attempt an escape." Is that... Am I escaping? Nope. He's escaping the other side. Shit. Sorry, you got this. A running start will make it. I promise. Ironhide's dipping his toe in. So you feel just heat radiating off this. It's just this huge amount of heat. And yeah, it's this bubbling thing.

You see Yennward scraping across the other side. His hooves are dipping into this. His armor's starting to catch fire. Wait a minute. Why the fuck hasn't anybody tried to help him? Well, this is immediate. This is in the second... Do you see... So picture this all in slow motion. They backed off to give him room to jump to the other side. In doing so, they've given him a 10-foot gap between him and them. So they have to run towards him. The one fucking person that's always talking about, "I want to jump in and stop." Make your check. Okay, do I get any bonus for doing a running leap?

It lowers the DC. Lowers the difficulty check. Doesn't change the actual skill. All right, here we go. I'm gonna die and... That's a crit one. Okay, that's a crit miss. Not like this. He gives a thumbs up as he sinks into the lava. Damn it, I wanted to make a reference. Can I hit my sword right in the side of it? Ironhide splashes down right next to... He just does a fucking cannonball and some throwing. He's splashing on a yinward bird. I'll save you, yinward! Okay. Oh wait, I'm damage. Wait, what's that? What's that? What's that? I'm rolling damage. It's a crit miss.

You're going to take damage. No, I'm not. It's a 19. I'm cool. I did this myself. 17 damage. That's it? He takes less damage by just diving in. Well, he's made of metal. So, again, you're watching Ironhide's armor just erupt into flames as he jumps in. Like the heat coming off this is pretty intense. Okay, so what's going on? So, okay. Okay, so we need to rope. All right. Fuck you. Mutiny. So you're tossing yinward rope, right? And that'll be a strength check to pull them out. Who has the... Of us, I think Draconis is the best strength, right? Oh, I don't know. I don't think my strength is very high.

How about all of you? The two strongest members of the party are in the lava. Thoril. You guys thought that's what I liked. Actually, no, I only got... We're strength. Yeah, we're strength. You're a decent time and love. It's on the details tab. Look at the details and then it's right under initiative. Okay, mine's 10. Mine's 11. Mine's 11. Oh wait, no, that's Malchus's. I'm sorry, mine's way lower than that. Malchus's 11 too. Yeah, mine's 11. Oh, mine's 11. But combined that's like 40, so we got this. Yeah, that's the way that works, right? Yeah, that's exactly how that works.

You can help. You can roll to help, but if the roll is low, you will end up hurting. So, okay, 11. To pull them out, it's not an insane check. I'm not trying to do that. Okay. For for Yennward, Ironhide's gonna be a little higher because he's heavier. All right, and in the middle of it. So we can only help individually? We can't like do two of us grabbing each arm and like pulling them? If you want to try pulling them out at the same time, that's going to be a higher check. I'm on fire. That wouldn't matter then. So, since me, Thoril, and Malchus all have the same, it doesn't really matter who goes.

So I'll go up and I'll do it. Does anybody want to help me? I'll help. I can try. Now, so here's the question. Is it going to be like two of us try to get Ironhide and two of us try to Yennward, or can we all try to get both? Yeah, let's do two and two. Well, no, wait, if we can do like all of us try to Yennward and then all of us try to get Ironhide, let's do it that way, but I need to find out which if we can. So you can. Someone's probably taking a full extra round of damage, though, if we do that. Is that the way that works, Jason? Uh, yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay, so if we're doing two and two, then it should probably be one eleven and one ten and then two elevens on Ironhide.

Okay. Now, the math is static across all our modifiers. We're all going to have identical stats on this because there's no change from ten to eleven. There's, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, okay. Are you giving us athletics if we're trained in athletics, Jason, or is it just raw strength? Um, I'll give you athletics. I'll let you have that. Okay. I'll take Ironhide. I'll help with that. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Who's making the actual check? I'll, uh, I'll do the one for Yennward. Okay, so you are splitting this up. Well, I mean, I don't, I'd rather, I don't know.

If we don't, yeah, yeah, because. Well, what was the damage? What was the damage last time? It was seventeen. It's seventeen to Ironhide and twenty seven to Yennward. I say, I mean, maybe we all pull Ironhide out first because he has fewer hit points. Let Yennward take another round in the lava. It's forty ten. Yeah, but that's not role playing. That's too pragmatic. We pair up and we take him. That's way too. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. I'm helping with, uh, I'll, I'll lead on Yennward's role. You'll lead on Yennward? So me and you on Yennward then? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, me and Thorl on Ironhide.

Okay. Cause my athletics aren't very good. Twenty one is my lead role. And what do I do to help? So you're, you're rolling a flat D twenty to help. Okay, so let me get that up here. Eleven. All right. So you're helping. Okay. Uh, that will pull, that's for Yennward? Yennward. Okay. That will pull Yennward out of the, out of the lava. He is very, uh, uh, pull Ironhide out. Oh yeah. That's great. Uh, he's, he's, he's a little too stressed out. He's on fire right now. No problem. No problem. I cover with my vintress blanket. Yeah. Just, yeah. You guys have like sleeping bags and rolls and stuff like that.

And, uh, meanwhile we have, um, Draconis. We have Draconis and Thorl trying to get Ironhide out. Now this check's going to be a little higher because he's heavier. So go ahead. I'll make the, I'll make the check there. Sixteen. God damn it. And roll to see if you're going to help there. Draconis. Low rolls. Fourteen. Okay. So that will help. That will not be high enough to pull him out. You're both dragged into the lava. No, no, no. But he like, there's just, there's too much resistance. Ironhide is going to take another round of damage. Okay. So let's all get on this, this time.

Twenty eight. All right. Draconis is going to yell for Malchus and Rodswell to come help. I guess Yennward's still not capable here. Um, Yennward's probably a little traumatized at the moment to be helping like to turn right around and like he's patting himself down. This is all taking place in the span of seconds. So, so who has the best athletic, I guess, Thorl. So go ahead. I got a plus eleven. God damn it. Come on. Don't, don't, don't. Fourteen. All right. Let's see if, okay. You still have a shot if all of you help. Basically, Malchus succeeds. I succeed. Oh, you're gonna put this on me.

You're gonna put this on me. Shit rolls faster. You all succeed. You barely managed to pull him out of, out of the lava here. And uh, yeah, he, again, armor on fire. Fucking yeah. Just kind of scarred. The opportunity to start chucking bitches in. Let all the light feathery boys, uh, uh, float across and like the two heavy fuckers say like, whoa, leap. Athletic just steps over that way. Let those two fast stones sink. Fuck 'em. We had no, I mean, did you want us just to leap because like, I don't understand. It was like two feet. Who couldn't jump two feet? Come on.

Solidarity guys. Obviously us. See, all my good rolls are wasted on bullshit. Wait a second now. Um, so across the other side that, that they, they kind of get us a few minutes to collect themselves and get their shit together. Do you want to spend any healing surges before moving for me? I want to spend enough to make sure. How many do I have? Uh, let's see. How many do you have left? It's the 13 remaining. Yeah, we just rested up. So yeah. Fuck it. Yeah, dude. We'll be able to rest again before no time. Go ahead. All right. Um, you guys have reached a set of double doors.

Um, let's see where this goes just for a moment. Just to, cause this, this may lead to something awful and if it does, we'll knock off for the evening. Um, do another one. That's a scope for saying it will. No. Do you want us to move to the doors? Uh, well, I think he should probably want me to do a dungeoneering check just to see. Just one. 14. Jesus Christ. The world doesn't see anything wrong in the surrounding area. Well he can bleed the way. Are you sure I can't do a dungeoneering check? Um, that's yeah, that's cheating. Just you guys have designated him as your checker.

All right. Cause there's nothing like, picture this is like you're in the situation. Like you're, you're relying on his expertise and he's like, it's all clear. You're not going to say, nah, fuck that. I'm going to, I'm going to recheck your math. Um, so you're taking his word for it. Yeah. That's, that's kind of the way that is. So if you guys want to plop yourselves right in here. After everyone else, I'm still on fire. Yeah. Your armor is kind of fucked up and charred. Like it's not, yeah, that's definitely some cosmetic stuff going on. Okay. So how are we doing this?

Like fighters up front healers, uh, mages in the back or what? Or are we just going to run in there? However, I don't even know we're running at yet. There's a set of double doors in front of you. Okay. Uh, that appear to be, uh, uh, not, not locked. Like they, they look like, uh, maybe they didn't figure on anybody getting this far in. As you can see, you guys had a little bit of trouble. He ran a dungeoneering check on the area. Can he run one on the door specifically? Sure can. All right. Hang on. Come on. 19. Uh, the door appears to just be pretty standard.

There's nothing, nothing about it. Again, not locked. Nothing, uh, nothing really barring you entry. Like you should be able to walk through. Are we able to maybe like stealth the door open just to see if, uh, you sure can. Someone would like to pick a stealth check. I got a plus 12. I'll do it. Ironhide motions forward. Go ahead. I'm making Thor the stealth guy. Got a 35. I'll try to, I'll try to stop it. Oh, try to stop this. All right. 32. There we go. Natural 20. Okay. Peering into the door, you see, uh, what appears to be a nest of vampires. Um, they don't notice your presence yet.

This is like you kind of staring through the keyhole type of thing. Um, yeah, they don't notice your, your presence yet. Uh, but they do appear to be kind of on guard. Uh, maybe it was the screaming earlier. Uh, um, but yeah, they, they do appear to be on guard here. So probably what we should leave it. Right. It's up to you guys. Let's, let's turn around and go back. I never said that diplomacy was off the table. I'm going to go ahead and say diplomacy won't work here. Do you have a reason with that? We can offer a sacrifice. Hey, Thorol, why don't you go find me?

Yeah. I never said once that diplomacy wouldn't work. We're all so ready to remember that we have... Let's go find Brie and give her to him. Between myself and I believe Ironhide, we have a couple of gallons of holy water on us. I have, I have acid. Oh, okay. Yeah, I have the holy water. Me too. I'm gonna go ahead and rub some poison on my axe just in case. Three, four, five, seven. Let's kick this door in and see what happens. So you want to just like bash it down and catch him off guard? Should we knock? That's another option. Who knocks on a vampire damn door? diplomacy.

Is that Malchus? I'm fairly good at that. Okay. I have, I'm trained, but I'm only plus eight. So I'm plus 10. Um, yeah, I'm four. So, yeah, looks like Malchus. Um, do we want to try to just re just say, Hey, leave him alone. How big is this room? Hey, stop eating. No, you guys, I think we're coming here. Shots fired. I think this is, oh, wait, I can see how big, how does the orb feature into all this? Uh, you haven't gotten into that room yet. Can't Rodswell conjure sunlight? Yes. So maybe I, the idea of diplomacy probably may not be the best option considering I haven't warped that hates all undead things that, and I can fix that now.

Right. Um, you, yeah, you're, you're starting to glean that like what it wants. Yeah. Um, I'm like, here's the deal. I'm not taking any options from you off the table. Not taking like, I am, there is a scenario that would play out that you guys could work out a deal with these guys. There's a scenario that works out with you guys just chopping off all their heads. It's totally up to you. I say we should intimidate him. So I guess if we, if we worked out a deal with them, we could possibly get them on our side. I don't know how the town that we've already made a deal with would react to that.

Um, also Rodswell as a cleric is obviously against that notion. Um, I say we just go in guns and blaze and I'll throw some light in there and we'll see what happens. We could actually try to talk to them. I mean, like just going in there. What have you done with Ironhide? Yeah, like what? I was saying having vampires on our side would be pretty fucking good. The vampires don't know. The vampires don't give half a damn. I'm war forged. Yeah, vampires aren't going to do shit against war forged. No, but they have fighting. But they have strength on their side.

Like they have, well, that's, yeah, the army that you're going to face isn't completely made up of war forged. Yeah, there's going to be people, delicious people. Eight of them. I mean, I don't know. There's going to be people, delicious people. How about we just start, how about we just start talking to them and if it, if like it's starting to go sour, we just fucking destroy them. FNA. I mean, like there's a chance where we can get both clerics and these guys on our team. Eight, Jason. Yes. Have we peeked through the door? Do we know that all those minis are back there now?

Yes. Oh, we've seen them? Well, I mean, Thorl has. I mean, everyone that would be within is- And then I would relay to you what's back in the room. Right. So yeah, yeah. You know that it's a room full of vampires. That's what you know. Okay. Yeah. Malchus turns back to the party and says, you're ready to cut loose? I'm, uh, I, we came here to do a job and I say we do it. So it sounds like half the party wants to kick the door open and just start flicking holy water in the room. And then the other half. Now, if we had like a blade grenade where we could throw that in there and just light it, that would be bad-ass.

I, I can light the room. I mean, I can light a good, a good portion of the room. But it's not, it's, it's not a radiant damage type of thing. This will be- Dan, you have a turn undead effect, yeah? Yeah. I mean, that should be pretty substantial against the, the littler ones. So on the other hand, yes. Yeah. Yes. I have scorched in the burst. I mean, all of my stuff is- Radiant, yeah. Yeah. This is where you shine. Like I'm not, yeah, I'm not trying to take it away from me. I'm just saying, just your little light effect is going to be more like irritated. That would be a nice way to enter.

That's basically, you know. Charge in, blam. It's like, you fucking asshole. Like that's, it's, yeah. Um, yeah. I'm assuming the people who are objecting are voicing their objections and Malchus says, you've got 10 seconds to give me one good reason why to not open fire or we're doing this. We can't wait any longer. I, I just want that moment of like both me and Malchus right there, just kicking the door open at the same time. And then, oh yeah, you guys kick the door open and I throw light. And then he, yeah. And then we just like spread out and like Rodswell goes in and throws the beam of light.

I'm giving you- This sounds way too bad ass not to do now. I'm giving you a good reason why we shouldn't. Like, yeah, we get- What? These, these are predatory vampires preying on this town, a town that we care about. Yes. And if we tell them that if they fight for us, then we can give them plenty of people to feed on. Okay. You know what? You don't have tasty, tasty blood running through your neck. So you go and they're in the US. We're not sacrificing people in order to feed them. Is that what you're saying? Or are you just saying- No, but they're going to have people on their side.

They can't just have a robotic army. They're going to recruit people for their cause. But I feel like we're still going to end up having a slight problem with these vampires. And don't forget, I'm telling you right now, Jarek, despite- First off, my objection is clear. Secondly, I don't know how well they're going to react to other things that are present with me. And I don't know if we're going to have a chance to be diplomatic here. And I would rather not be caught off guard in the middle of a diplomacy conversation, because they get angry. We have the uphand right now.

I'd rather get the first shot. Not to mention, Thor is not a big fan of vampires anymore. Phantom Menace. He's not a big Phantom Menace. Imagine what would happen if we came back to Liara with a troop of vampires. Do what you want. Yeah, that's also a big thing. Considering one of our biggest people in the fighting group is a vampire hunter. Malkus looks at Thor and says, "Ironhide just said the magic words. Ready? Ready to kick?" Okay, did we stop now? This is- Dan's in charge of this session, he just told- No, I'm sorry. You know what I mean. I gotta get ready for work, so this is- Yeah, I know, so this is fine.

All right. Ready to kick the door open. So it sounds like you guys have made your decision, and we'll kick things off with that next time. That just sounds like an awesome opener to me. If we just hope it's with them kicking the door open. Last time on- And we just want- Can we like get a surprise round where we all just like open fire through the doorway? Well, that's the definition of a surprise round. You are kicking the goddamn door open. Yes. Yeah. I'm gonna throw a storm render in there and fly back to me. Now I don't leave them without some of these vampires as heads.

So we'll save it here, guys. Cool, we got an arrow stone. Sweet. Good to be back at the table. Group one goes to the mall episode. Yeah, this episode is going to be significantly shorter than what we actually sat down to record. Yeah, this is going to be crazy. This next episode, whenever that may be. Um, let's see. Um, two weeks? Um, I think I'm- I mean it might be- Yeah, I should be available in two weeks. That would be the 24th. Is that what I'm hearing? So wait, that's Sunday after Thanksgiving, right? No, that's both Sunday before Thanksgiving. Yeah, so I should be okay.

Thanksgivings, that's my first? Uh, 28th. 28th. Okay, okay. I will know 100% tomorrow. I just- I have to get my work scheduled, but I actually know 100% tomorrow. It's all good. I mean, I usually try and do it a week ahead of time. Like, I got- I got at least one group two session this week. Yeah. So far, that I know of. I am, uh- How's my schedule today? Yeah, I'm free either next weekend or the weekend after. I'm free for either one. Awesome. I love the prospect of us starting off our next, like, our next session with just kicking open the doors. Yeah, because so many of our sessions start with just, like, you know, we've just had a long battle and this one's gonna start with, "We're about to kick somebody's ass," you know?

Well, you're gonna get the jump on some of that. I don't know if you're gonna necessa- We'll see, though. No, dance assessment stands. We're about to kick their ass. We're gonna all be walking out vampires. Be like, "We just don't get too close," is what I would say. Play some fucking Blade music over the battle. Do you remember what Blade music was? It was just blaring techno for half a day. Yeah, that was- Oh, it was The Matrix! Tell me what you think The Matrix is. It's like Matrix meets Motorhead. Dude. Dude. Dude.