Get the joke mister?

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

[clink] [clink] Pickaxe. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah, you're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you only got to cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. This your first job? I know what I'm doing. I'm a little late for a crit change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else.

Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... [clears throat] With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold. Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Only on Peacock. Howdy folks. Just a reminder, make sure and swing by iTunes and give us a five star review if you could. It helps us out. It helps us stay aloft and lets more people see what we do. Make sure and swing by DNRPodcast.com and buy some t-shirts and check out all the character journals and all the good stuff there. We've updated a bunch of the bios for NPCs.

If you've lost track of who people are or wanted to know more about who they are, check those out. And our Kickstarter will be launching probably within the next two, three weeks, something like that. We're going to be giving you some more info on that as time goes on. And thank you very much for listening. OK, let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master. Going around the table starting with Brianna? That sounded like a question. It wasn't. Is that your name? I keep it. Sure. Yeah. Hello, I'm Brianna and I'm going to be playing Nameru-Jamai, who's a T-Flame Vampire.

And Tom. Hey, I'm Tom. I'm going to be playing Travis Clem, a Hick Knight. And Izzy. Hey, I'm Izzy and I play Caleth Argenti, an elf druid and her raccoon companion. And Justin. Makes it sound like you're both in love. I'm Justin Massey and I play Shavar, the mage. And Jamie. Hello, I'm Jamie and I am playing the 110-year-old Dragon Fighter, Pava. OK, so now that everyone at home is thoroughly confused, we should probably explain what the hell this is. So this is a brand new thing we're doing. The... how do you pitch this? OK. This, our story currently... Is dark.

Is pretty dark. Yes, OK. So what we're doing is we're going two years back in time. Everything that takes place right now is canon. Everything that happens in today's show is theory and history. This is not a "what if," this is not a "hey, wouldn't it be cool if," this is canon. This is what happened. So you're going to eventually hear things like characters that have died, or characters that you may have heard about but never showed up or whatever. So just know that this is two years... every time you hear, you know, "DRP," this is two years in the past.

Unless otherwise stated. So that being said, do you guys want to give a little background for your characters or do you just want to jump in? Might be a good idea. Who wants to start? Because my character was already kind of creative and famous. Yeah, let's start with yours, actually. In his mind, after gloriously defeating the zombies that took over the mind of Thoril, he retired from vampire killing. Just started heading out west, just making a life on the road. That's how he also looks at it. What really happened was Thoril was hypnotized, I think, or his mind was fucking taken over, mind control and shit.

And just got his head bashed in a few times and then just quit forever. And then just went and lived in a city. Jaime, tell us more about Kava. Okie dokie. Kava is 110 years old, so she's an old lady. And her Dragonborn clan kicked her out because she was too old. And they didn't think that she could fight anymore or train after some bad instances. And she owns a business called the Rusty Nipple because she has a very bad gambling problem and always loses the money. Izzy, tell us more about Calith. Calith is a city elf. She's a healer and she's spent most of her life in and around Brightport, pretty much curing STDs for the local whoring and jawn, I guess, community.

And she works at the Rusty Nipple. Bree, tell us more about Namaru. Alright, Namaru is usually called Nem. She is 134 years old and she's a vampire who likes to call herself a fancy lady. But she's just kind of a whore and she is known for doing the dirtiest shit in all of Brightport for money. And because she works for Kava and Kava takes all of her money to go gambling, she also works at the side for Silverclaw. But that's a secret. So don't tell anyone, guys. And Tom, tell us about Travis. Travis is the son of two farmers and he grew up on a farm and he always hated it.

He always shirked his responsibilities for his brother Henry. So he loved getting his fucking hands dirty. He can do it if he wants to do it so goddamn much. But eventually the war started breaking out and Overwatch started drafting able-bodied young men. So Travis got drafted and he was happy about it. He got put into the navy, he was going to travel the world, he was going to finally see all this shit he read about and deserved to see. But then they started getting Warforged and his job became obsolete and they sequestered him to the docks. And while he was sitting at the docks he would see all these heroes roll through time and time again with all the money and all the women they could ever want.

And he got jealous so he's concocting a scheme to become the next great hero of Theria. Sounds like a personal story. I just actually have it to you. I'm not a farm boy. Everything else though, dead on. When the robots were in North Carolina. The robot wars. And everything changed. And his night suit on him, because it's funny and I want to get it out there, is Sir Hawk Lawbringer. It's supposed to sound as lame as it does. One more thing before we get started. Let's clarify that this does not affect Groups 1, 2, or 3. This will not affect any of the content.

This is pure, raw, extra stuff we'll be doing from time to time. So before anyone starts typing emails to complain, this is just a flesh out Theria and have some fun and have some character interactions and stuff. So, that being said, how about we open today in the Rusty Nipple. This is Cava's establishment here. So Cava, describe what the Rusty Nipple looks like. The Rusty Nipple is very dirty, very slummy. There seem to be stains all over the floor and walls. And there's a bar in the middle of the room as well as two stage areas on either side. A bunch of chairs and then there are different side rooms going off of it.

Okay, so, within the Rusty Nipple, by the way we're in Brightport. I don't know if we established that yet, but we are. What would everyone be doing here? What time of day is it? I would say that it's heading on evening, so we're talking dusk. So Cava would just be getting back from the cock fight. Alright boys, whoop him out. Okay, here we go. Here's my moment to shine. I think Nem is having a cock fight of her own in her bedroom. Oh! Well done. She's a whore! Cava's been through a test and you can obviously see it on her face and she's just going to go sit at the bar and slam her hand down.

If there's nobody to cure of like STDs, then Kayla will tend to bar. Charles will push a broom. He's not qualified to do anything else. Cava is probably doing magic for people. So right now the Rusty Nipple has, let's say three patrons that are just kind of drinking and hanging out. So Cava will do some, like, what kind of tricks is Cava doing? Fire in the air. Just like shooting fire in the air. Not like shooting mortar fire and shit like that. I was just going to say. Just like blowing flames in the air and like sparklers and stuff. So that sounds dangerous.

Call the stricture cones. So there are just kind of three people sitting here drinking their drinks alone. And every once in a while, Cava will do something like throw off a flame jet or something like that. And you're like, ugh. So this isn't a really popping place? Not at the moment, no. It has its busy moments, but again, it's kind of a slum shack in Brightport. There is more of a hoity-toity version of the Rusty Nipple. It's called the Supple Companion. Fuck those guys. Yeah, bring that place down. They're your, yeah. Cunts. Their clean bananas. So it's, they kind of look down their nose at you guys.

Like they're clearly the better whorehouse in Brightport. Yeah, for good reason. They're in a better part of town. If there is a better part of town in Brightport. We're in the bad part of town in Brightport? Yeah. They're in the bright, we're in the port. How did that get a laugh? I don't know. I thought that was getting groan at best. We're all very tired. So, I guess if Caleth wanted to, she could talk to Cava. They're both at the same place at the bar. Okay, she will pour Cava a tall glass of, I don't know, gin. What does Cava drink? Ale. Okay, she'll pour her a mug of ale and say, "How'd it go, boss?" I don't want to talk about it.

And she is going to chug her ale. Cava will just like back up like, "Oh God, how much did you lose this time?" 600. Did you make me any money? A little bit. Not 600. And I haven't been paid in a week. She's going to hold out her hand. Not the best ball. A raccoon will scamper up to you. Take a little pouch from around its neck and put it in your hand. Cava's going to shove it into her pocket and demand another ale. Kayleth will like fucking roll her eyes and take the tankard and give her more ale. I'm curious how this is going to work because if I do do a flat rate thing I could easily be like, "Okay, he told me that he was going to pay me 10,000 gold." Which wasn't his best view.

So I feel like it would be fairer if I rolled. It would be fair if you rolled because if you're famous for doing the dirtiest shit in Brightport, then I would imagine there's all kinds of dirty shit and there would be different rates for that dirty shit. Right, so we'll roll to see how dirty it was and how much money it made for it. Yes. Okay, roll a 1d10. On a scale of 1 to 10, how dirty was this? 5. Okay, so middle of the road. Almost vanilla. Right, he's got some kinks but it's nothing you haven't seen before. [Laughter] How much does a 5 pay me? Go ahead and roll a 5d10. 5d10? 5d10. 39! 39 gold, okay.

That's right, I am worth the money. So 39 gold out of that exchange. It wasn't, you know, I mean, you did okay. You've made more in an evening. That's one John. One John in an evening is pretty fetish to be honest. Right, well, I mean, the thing is... We don't get a lot of customers. Right, you don't. You're obviously, the madam of this place is not known for her fucking bedside manner. Sexual prowess. Right, it's not... Bedside manner? Yeah. Oh my god, that voice doing pillow talk. [Laughter] And then I grabbed your willy. [Laughter] Always wanted to fuck Bob Peck Goldwit. [Laughter] I'll kick it. [Grunting] That shit was... [Laughter] Come here so I can fuck you. [Laughter] Um, we're getting off track. [Laughter] Just a little bit.

Derp. [Laughter] That was like the point of this game. It actually is true, there is no track, you're right. Um, okay, so, we've already established that Kava's a degenerate fucking gambler who is spending way more than you're making. [Laughter] On a cock fight! [Laughter] Just anything that she can get a hold of that's illegal in this gambling. If I'm making generally forty per dude. You know how many guys I had to fuck to get you that money? [Laughter] Um, speaking of that... Wait, no, I wanted to specify, before she leaves the bedroom she's gonna take twenty of that and stick it in her bra. [Laughter] Whatever the Therian equivalent.

Do we get bras? Um, sure. She's just stuffing all of these gold coins. [Laughter] I was about to say, I imagine that's a necessary invention in any reality, pretty much that they're a breast, so I mean... I also imagine she would have a coin pouch, not just putting them loose in her bra. [Laughter] Chink, chink, chink, chink. Why are you slumping tits? You gotta make it hail. You just go to the bank and just, ugh, fill out your cleavage. [Laughter] There'd be a bank in Brightport? Would you trust a bank in Brightport? That sounds like a bad idea. I'm your bank.

You're fucking terrible. [Laughter] So I assume when Nem comes out, Kava's gonna see her and jump up from the bar, 'cause she wants to know how much Nem made on the joe. So she's gonna jump over and be like, "How much was that one?" [Laughter] Nem's gonna smile and say, "Oh, he was pretty vanilla, only nineteen." She's gonna hold out her hand. Oh sweet, you didn't even make- you just accepted that, okay. I was ready for a bluff. Um... Like, that we've been working together for a while, so she would probably trust you. Alright, you're stupid. Here's the nineteen gold.

I was totally gonna make her roll a bluff check. You just keep on fucking losing money. [Laughter] Little Napoleon was due. [Laughter] Alright, so Nem will give her the nineteen gold, like, kind of rolling her eyes, but whatever. We've all just kind of accepted it. [Laughter] Kava's gonna look down and count everything up. Um... Fucking cheap bastards! [Laughter] Has he even left the brothel yet? [Laughter] That's how we have no business. [Laughter] I keep lying about how much they're paying and then you yell at them. [Laughter] This is a horrendous business model. [Laughter] And then she's gonna say, "We don't make shit here!

We need a job!" Well, what do you propose we do? I almost said something a little mean. Ah... wow. [Laughter] Is Kava mean? If Kava's mean, say it! I have a fear that Jamie's gonna blow out her fucking larynx doing that voice. [Laughter] It's not that bad. Okay. No, it's not bad. It's so forceful. [Laughter] It's totally my view. I love it, though. I really do. They're great. [Laughter] Um, so I guess after Nem says, "What do you propose we do?" Kava's gonna look at her straight in the eyes and say, "You need to open your legs a little wider!" Oh, God. [Laughter] Grandpa, you're drunk.

What if your fucking sister... [Laughter] ...out of game, just out of game, for a second. [Laughter] I feel like I need to put some sort of tag before this. I don't even know what we could do. We're already explicit. I don't know what I could tag us with. [Laughter] Over the line, Jamie. Come on. No, I love it. It's okay. Dear DNR, my kids run the car. [Laughter] Alright. Nem's just gonna kind of like throw her hands up in the air, like she's completely exasperated, like, "There's what is there going to get?" [Laughter] Kava, frustrated, is just gonna walk away and knock over Travis' broom on the way to her office.

Really, man? Thanks. You're a shitty owner. [Laughter] Have you ever seen that movie Horrible Bosses? I just want to take my broom off. What a bitch. You're my brother. Yeah, right? Kava, roll Perception, please. Aww. My Perception isn't as good for this character. [Laughter] Twenty-four! That's pretty good. Almost the crit. That was good enough to hear that you're a bitch, apparently. [Laughter] She's gonna stop, turn her head a little bit over her shoulder so that Travis can see that she heard him grumble and then continue to walk away. Oh, man, I was hoping for some, like, dragon breath.

Set his broom on fire. Well, you gotta replace it, so... She's a bitch, but she's not abusive to her employees. I think she just was to me. I was about to say, unless you count them, I hope you're not like, wider. Basically, verbal abuse. Yeah, verbal, definitely. Um, I was just gonna say that, uh, Kava's got a problem. Yeah. Sounds like she has a few. Well, in the immediate future, uh, this place will be bankrupt. It's only a matter of time. We're losing all the money. This place is a boat with a big ol' hole in it. Okay, um, what's the customer that, um, uh, uh, um...

Sorry, I fucking just shit my brain. Shavar, I'm sorry, for some reason I kept reading that as Shavik. 'Cause, like, I don't know. I don't know, everything looked like it was purple for a second. All right, so, who's he entertaining right now? Like, how intelligent is this person? How intelligent? Yeah, I mean, like, does he look, like, open-mouthed and, like, duh, like, just stupid, or what? Um, I mean, you're a typical, like, barfly type of patron. Like, he's not incredibly, you know, he's there to deaden his nerves with alcohol. All right, well, I'm gonna try to wow him.

Uh, this might be an arcane roll, but I'm gonna try to make a... a fireball that turns into a phoenix. Out of sparkles. Okay, roll me an arcana check, please. I... I will. Boom! 20. Okay, um, well, you got the fireball bit down pat. Like, that looks gorgeous. Uh, the phoenix kind of looks lumpy? Like, not... not... not... it kind of looks like... Why does that cower wings? (laughter) Like, not quite more... more... more like a... like a... like a fat lumpy pigeon. (laughter) Than a phoenix, but I mean, the fire is very impressive. Like, still, pretty cool. All right, I'm gonna ask him, so how was that?

What was that supposed to be? It's a phoenix. A little bit of a cat with wings. (laughter) All right, I'm gonna use my, um, my ability suggestion, which... I think Nem and Kalis should be canon giggling about that. Yeah, he's like, just leaning against the bar, cracking up. This is why I use a diplomacy check for an arcane check, so I just use the arcane ability rather than my diplomacy. So I'm gonna roll for that rather than... So wait, wait, wait, wait, you're like trying to trick him into... Yes. So he pays me more. (laughter) And that was a 22. Uh, 22. This guy's pretty dang sick.

Um, so you're... you're... the... the object is to make him think that that is... Like you see a phoenix, like a shining glorious phoenix that's gonna change his fucking night and make him like really happy. Oh my god, that was beautiful! That was fucking beautiful! (laughter) He's a little retarded, but he's... he's... He got really drunk really fast. He's had... yes, he's had a bit to drink. Um, and he's gonna go ahead and hand you 10 gold. 10 gold? Bitch. (laughter) This guy isn't worth an extreme amount. Yeah. Kill is gonna ring a bell on the bar and go, "Next!" You ready?

Ready for what? I don't know. (laughter) We've got a line, honey. Sure. Do you want a drink or something? This place only has one whore. (laughter) I thought we established there were more. Well, none of them have come out. There were some cutbacks. (laughter) There were some layoffs. Hell, just come out panting like... It's Travis in there, Jesus. He's not guarding anything right now. All the good whoring jobs went overseas to Drake Island? (laughter) It's all those damn Warforged. They're stealing our fucking jobs. Tell me about it. A place called Rusty Nip. We lost a lot of business when all those Warforged died.

Oh. This is two years in the past. They're still here. Oh yeah, they're still... just kidding. Alright, could Nem look at the line and just kind of go over it and percept and see who might have the most money? Sure can. And the dirtiest kink. She's looking for both. Some guy holding a chicken and a piece of steak and she's like, "That one." (laughter) Chicken with one eye, he's like, "That guy knows what he's doing." (laughter) Um... There are two people in line. Alright. The first one looks fairly buttoned down. Really vanilla. But it does look like he has a little bit of cash on him.

The second one is a bit more disheveled. His long hair is pretty unkept. And the only thing he seems to have on him is a shoehorn. (laughter) Awesome. Alright, if that's the only thing he has on him... I think... this is tough. Because the weirdos pay more but he doesn't look like he'll be able to pay more. It's the quiet ones you gotta look out for. That's true. Nem is going to go up to the one who looks like he has money and say, "Hey baby, wanna tell me a secret?" And then kind of like take his hand and start leading him to the bedroom. (laughter) I think that guy's like real bashful to his...

Like real bashful. This is the episode, guys. This is just it. It's Whorehouse Simulator 2014. One bachelor after another. So do I get to roll another do-ten? Okay, well, okay. In a second. Let's... So, I think you gotta spend a little more time with him than that. I'm really good, though. Or he's really, really bad. (laughter) Sometimes you get excited. It's not his fault. (laughter) So besides sweeping, how attached to everyone is Travis? Does he speak up often or is he just kind of really quiet keeps himself? I'm ready to pay my keep, man. So you're just kind of keeping yourself.

Yeah. I really don't make it off of this shit. I assume you racked up your debt with Nem, is that the assumption? Since she's our only whore. I'd like to think there are other whores. That's probably why we're doing so bad. At least like two or three other whores. We need a man whore. Oh, we do need a man whore. See? See, that's the thing. Diversity. You gotta cater to all your demographics. Hey, Travis. How much do you really owe us, really? Travis, I got a business proposal for you. How can you resist that voice? It melts me like butter. It's like a train wreck, that voice.

Man, what is it now? Haven't you worked me enough today? (laughter) Sex jokes. Would you consider yourself a people person? Oh yeah, man. I'm a conversationalist. She's gonna lead him into one of the rooms. Someone's supposed to sweep in here or something? Sitch down and say, "I've got some people I'd like you to meet." And then just shut the door. What? Oh god. (laughter) I don't know you that much. (laughter) Just a whole broom handle. So what does everybody else do? We have one whore, we have one owner that spends all the money that we'll never ever be able to make in a week.

And one man whore now. So what does he... Hey, hey, I bartend. I cure people's STDs. Maybe a little whoring on the side. Have not decided. It's a big career choice. You gotta think about it before you brush in. I didn't get to think about it. Well, okay. Well let me ask you a question. Would Travis be down for that? Depends who the client cell is, baby. Well, let's do this. Let's roll a D6. And the first person to walk in... Let's say Kava goes out on the street. Like Carnival Barker style. And she's trying to grab a man, a woman, anything. Anything. Just anyone who looks like they have money and might be down.

One through three, it's a female. Four through six, it's a male. It's a male-iest male who's ever male. This fucker's a... This barrel-chested lumberjack of a man. No one fucks you right into the bum like a spong. My god. So Kava is going to pull this person in off the street. Now, how has Travis made himself all sexy-like? Getting ready? Like, how... What do you do? You unbutton your shirt a little bit? I'm literally just sitting on the bed with my hands folded. Nobody told me why I'm in the room. Okay. So Kava's going to come marching in with, let's call him Jerry.

All I pictured was Parks and Recreation. I thought it was very... Because I was like, "Oh, usually they're called Toms." [mimics the Toms] So, okay. Jerry and Kava come walking in. So, let's say Jerry's down, man. That made his day. She's like, "Oh, wow. We got a special here. Something like that." Pulling him in off the street. So, he's ready to go. Okay, so I'm going to lead him up to the door, open it up, and see Travis just sitting there waiting. And say, "Travis, I'd like you to meet Jerry." Hi, Jerry. It's nice to meet you. Who's Jerry? This fine gentleman is looking for some services.

I can go fetch him a menu if you want. Jerry's going to wander up to Travis. Hey there, big fella. And he's going to start tracing his index finger up and down Travis's neck. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't want to jump out of the bed. Can I talk to you for a second, boss lady? Just, just... You hold on, sweetie. You just sit right there. Roll a perception check, please. 21. You see his eyes light up when you call him sweetie. Aw. You hold your horses with that there. You come here. I need to talk to you. Cava's going to look surprised and step outside the door, assuming that Travis is going to follow her out.

Alright, now, I don't know if you've been keeping, you know, I don't know if you've been keeping track of the tab I owe you, but I haven't. I don't owe you that much, god damn it. How much does he owe me? Um, let's do this. Tom, uh, let's roll... I'm charging interest. Of course you would. Any good, boss woman? 600%. Um, roll... Deep 100. No, roll 3d10. Okay. This is what we're going to do. I think it should be 3d100. No, no, no, no, no. That is not the total. Each number that comes up will be a different number in the digit that he owes. So it's a 3d... Okay, so...

Wait a second. Okay, so he owes you 418 gold. To date. To date, okay. I've done some... I've willed it down. I have a lot of money. Um, she's going to continue looking at him. At first she was surprised, and now she's starting to get upset because 418 gold is like an hour at the cockfighting ring. And uh... These are high stakes cockfights. I play with the big boys. Play with the big cocks. And she's going to shut the door because Jerry, you know, needs his privacy to get ready for Travis. And slowly start to walk towards Travis, like one step at a time, and say, "You owe me 418 gold.

Do you know how long that's going to take to pay me back, boy?" Even longer, because I ain't fucking no Jerry. She was going to do an Intimidate check. Aww. Good one. So we'll just keep that previous line. Your back went out. [laughter] Oh wait, no. No, even better old person thing. You farted by accident. [laughter] It just kind of slips out now. You don't really control it as well. Just randomly. Um, and she is only going to be paying him one gold piece a day to rank up his debt. Good lord. Yeah. And you charge him interest, Amy. He'll never get it back. You bought a human.

She's cheap. What can you say? Um, "That's 418 days you owe me." That's 418 days of sweeping. I ain't fucking no Jerry. She's going to think this over. "What if I can promise you ladies?" Do I get them in exchange for fucking a Jerry? Look, I'll meet you in the middle, man. I'll like jerk off in front of him or something, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. If you throw in a lady, I'll let him touch me a little bit. But ain't nobody fucking nobody in that room. Nobody named Travis anyway. Okay, she's going to walk over to Nem's door, frustratedly, knock three times, and say she's got a customer waiting.

And then give Travis a death glare. Girl, I don't care. I was going to be like, "Do you really think that Nem can satisfy what Jerry really wanted?" But she'll figure something out. You better start growing in penis. Jerry seems to play for the other team, if you know what I'm saying. Things can be arranged. Good God. Um, borrow my broom. Yes, and some belts. They're in strap-ons, people. I was just going to say... I love that we're 30 minutes into this episode. We've lost every little thing we can possibly find. Penis joke, penis joke, vagina joke, penis joke.

Oh, God. We're 12. 13. If Kayla's watching this, she's going to look over at Travis when Kava walks across the room and give him one of those "Come on" looks. No. She's like, "I'll give you free drinks for the rest of the night." There ain't enough booze in this fucking store to make me march in there and take my pants off in front of Jerry. No. We can probably hear you. I don't give a fuck. So Kava has given up on Travis. She sees him as a lost cause and is going to be extremely frustrated and is going to go back out on the streets looking for more customers.

I'm a lost cause. They won't grab my ankles from some stranger named Jerry. Okay. Okay. Am I done yet? He had to stand up. I would say Nym is done. Okay. Rollin'. Ooh, he was gross. He was fairly gross. Told you. Some quiet ones. Let's see. What did I have you roll last time? 5d10. Oh, it's 7d10. 48. 48 gold. Fuckin' hell, wow. Boy, those are... Yeah, okay. So this one paid out a little better. 48 gold. Right, and I will keep... I will keep... He looked kind of... He looked kind of like he wasn't going to pay that much. I am going to keep 30 of that for myself. How many is this?

You can have 18 again. That's not even skimming off the top at that point. That's just... Just taking the majority. That's... Yeah. Then she is doing all the work in the points, so... Apparently she's their only whore, like... Can I have a second one? That's a month off my sentence. Yeah. Does that count for you, or...? Nope. I'm doing a lot of work. So, okay. Is Nym going to go find Cabba and give her this money? Um, well, she said that she had a line, so I guess she would go try to figure out what that's about. Like, she can give her the money at the end of the day.

Okay. That makes sense. The line now consists of one other dude. The one you passed on the first time. So, Cabba's outside. I would imagine she's pretty frustrated at this point. Yes. Walking past the Rusty Nipple... Walking up to the Rusty Nipple, really... Is a little gnome. And he appears to be looking for Cabba. And he's going to approach her, I would imagine, as she's shouting at random passersby. I'm not exactly sure what her pitch would be, but I imagine it's fairly aggressive salesmanship. It is. So, Gratic the Wanted... This should be a fun exchange, voice-wise.

Gratic the Wanted is going to approach Cabba. And he's got kind of a defensive stance when it comes to Cabba. He would get the sense that perhaps they have a history with one another. And after a second, after she stops yelling at pedestrians, he's just going to say, "Cabba?" And Cabba's going to look at him, sort of smug. "Gratic! How ya doin', little man?" "Ah, your voice is like razor blades." [Laughter] "I could use your assistance with something." She's going to roll her eyes. "It pays." "That's a change." "Well, this is a sensitive matter, actually.

How about we talk inside?" And he's kind of looking over his shoulder. She's going to motion him to lead the way. Gratic is going to walk into the Rusty Nipple and set himself up behind the bar. He's very much making himself at home. "Can I help you there, Gratic?" "Ah, no. I got it. Just move. Just get--" And he's going to kind of climb up on a stool and try to push Calith out of the way. She's just going to put one finger on his chest and push him back slowly. "Uh-uh, honey." "Fine. Whatever." He's going to take out this book and kind of--it's this big, thick tome and kind of slap it up on the bar.

"Can I have a come here a second?" She's going to hesitantly approach him from the other side of the bar. "There's a collector in Brightport. He would not have his name put out there." "But he is paying me a handsome sum of money for this particular artifact he's been looking for." Now, he's tracked it down to the Silver Glade, but the problem is he doesn't want to go get it. And he doesn't have anyone that he would risk sending in to go get it. "So, I thought of you." "History check on the Silver Glade?" "Uh, you sh--" "Can I do that?" "You sure can." "Well, I hope this isn't how it starts." [laughter] That's why there was that long pause.

I was like, "Nooooo." "I know, just relax, just relax." It's deadly. It's not that deadly. The Silver Glade is home to a great many deadly creatures. You've got drakes, you've got trolls, you have some seriously deadly stuff in the Silver Glade. That is why a lot of people don't go there. It's been said that there are catacombs and ruins kind of slipped throughout the place. That there were ancient sects and tribes of elves that lived there. And that they would hide several different treasures. The problem is that they've kind of been lost to time and history because many of them were so well hidden and the area itself is so dangerous to go into that people don't explore it.

Okay, Kayla's going to kind of lean over and whisper a summary of that into Cava's ear. Cava is going to crack her knuckles, then crack her neck back and forth and accidentally crack her back. Because she's old. And all she's going to say is, "How much?" First of all, that's very feminine. [laughter] I can pay you ten thousand. Shit. [laughter] She likes the sound of that. This is extremely important. The guy doesn't like to be disappointed and honestly, he wouldn't risk any of his own men sending him into the Silver Glade. You're kind of expendable. Don't take any offense.

It's nothing personal. I don't like you, but it's nothing personal. I kind of like that Grattik seems to be a little scared of me. I like it. [laughter] Cava comes off as aggressive enough to do something highly irrational. That is completely true. She's going to give a little smirk over to Calith, trying to gauge her reaction to what he's saying. Do you have to do some sort of perception or insight check on his vibe? You can. Okay, perception. Twenty-eight. Grattik appears to be much more nervous than normal. The little move of him coming into the bar and kind of trying to take control of it is more him making sure that he has everyone's attention.

He wants to make sure that the instructions here do not get fucked up. You can tell that he probably has a lot riding on the line and knowing Grattik, it's probably something to do with his own health and well-being. Okay. Calith is just going to lean down close to him and brush back a strand of hair out of his face and just seem a little nervous there, Grattik. Do you want to tell us what that's about? Not particularly, no. But, um, you're familiar with House Darkspane? Yes. Well, there is a particular individual within the House that's behind this specific contract.

I would rather not disappoint them. You don't usually come to us for stuff. Not unless there's something really off. Why are you so scared? And he's kind of like, there's a look that crosses his face like, "Please stop asking questions now." Like, just, like he doesn't... Okay, look. The item in question... And he cracks open this little book. It's called the Quaewum in Libra. It's an ancient elven artifact. Translates loosely to the bowl of sickness. It looks more like a gravy boat to me. A gravy boat! I'm so happy! [laughter] This is the greatest moment of my life right now!

And he kind of cracks open this book and he's showing you a picture of this thing. I don't know why he wants it. I don't care. I just know that he's paying me an obscene amount of money for it. And if I fail to get it for him, he'll probably kill me. And everyone in the shop, and on and on and on. Tessie is not too happy that I accepted the deal. Can I do an Intimidate check and then say something? Or should I say something and then do an Intimidate check? Do an Intimidate check, then say something. To see how intimidating this will be. 15. 15! She is going to get right up into Graddock's face over the bar.

And then say, "A lot of money, huh? How much you making off this, Graddock?" Enough. 10,000's not enough, really? I'm trying to be upfront with you here, okay? Business thing to businessman. I'm trying to be upfront. She has a point, Graddock. If you're getting paid a lot for this, and your life is on the line, I think you could squeeze out a couple more coins. Why do people always make this complicated? Why can't you just take the deal? There are other scumbags in this town I could go to. I thought of you first. I thought that would create some goodwill. I'm a scumbag.

I could use $10,000. Okay, what does this artifact do? Does it just make people sick? What does it do? Looks like it holds delicious gravies. Does anybody have a high arcana? I do. History or arcana would do this. I got a 16. Go for it. 23. 23. Shavar would have heard murmurings about this. This is an ancient elven artifact that no one is exactly sure why it was created, because it seems downright evil. But there's a story connected to it about it poisoning a neighboring elven tribe's water supply. There's a ceremony when it was used that it would taint the water supply and kill anyone who drank from it.

We're talking about puffed out bellies and bloating, and then eventually their own stomachs would rupture and they would die. Like a very painful, awful death. It may have been connected to some sort of war between two elven clans. No one really knows. That part's lost the time, but this artifact was deemed fucking way too dangerous and locked away in a tomb in the Silver Glade. They could also make werewolves. Alright, yeah, let's... Shavar hasn't said anything about this, but he really, really likes bloodroot, so I'm in for taking this job. Money's good.

Yeah, Cabba is going to get herself off of the bar after just being in Graddick's face and look around the room at her employees. What are we thinking, crew? If it pays off my debt, I'm down, Boss Lady. I could use the money. Adventure's kind of my middle name. I don't want to brag or anything. I could do this by myself. I don't really need y'all, but it's your job. It's fine. I'm still busy being a whore in the other room if you're waiting for me. Let's say that you've wrapped up again. That disheveled man lasted a long time. Oops, I still have seven. Wow, he's really broke.

Four. So, yeah, he was pretty... Fifteen. Fifteen gold. He only paid one gold, Boss Lady. I'm sorry. Who's broke? You pocket five of that one. He just wanted a smile. I don't know what to say. So that's 23 gold for you, Grandma. That's what she's going to say as she passes you your share of the last two people. Kai was just going to have a big smile on her face and stuff it in her pockets. So it sounds like we're going to the silver gluad. Wait, what the fuck are we doing? This is the first NEM we'll be hearing about this. We're going to go make some money. For what?

What are we doing? We're going to go buy a gravy boat or something like that. Yeah. Let's go. We'll get some gravy. I like white gravy. My mom used to make white gravy. It's that inner out of character I can't tell. You got to say Southern. I didn't know if that was another sex joke for a second. I didn't know. I love white gravy. If it's in the Southern accent, it's in character. Okay. Well, let's say that the Rusty Nipple has a company car. Let's say that you have a wagon. Yeah. So... Is there a Rusty Nipple painted on the side of it? I would imagine for advertising purposes.

Just a giant Rusty Nipple. Looks kind of steampunk, actually. That's the hood of it so we don't get rained on. It's just a giant Rusty Nipple. So are you leaving the Rusty Nipple in anyone's care? No. Or are you just locking up? Jerry's. We're still waiting. Let me poke my head into Jerry's. Let me poke my head in the door. Hey, man, we're going to run out for a second. You walk up when you're done. You take care, honey pie. Jerry's completely nude. I want to linger for a second and just drink that in like, "Yep." That's what you missed out on, man. Could be having some of this.

Pretty sure I just gave up the ride of my life, you guys. I'm devastated. I think I'm in love. Well, I would assume that they would lock up and Kava would turn over the "open/closed" sign on the door. She forgot about Jerry. She's old. Oh, Jerry's locked in. That's funny. He's going to come out. It's all dark. He's like a fucking hat. You said five minutes. Like an hour ago. Where's everyone? Oh, good lord. Alright. Driving the wagon. Okay, now are you going right to the Silverglade? Didn't you just say it was on Nightfall? Yeah. It was dusk. So we're doing this in pitch black almost.

Wait, wasn't it Nightfall when I started? Well, it was dusk when you started. Now it would be nighttime. Okay. Well, that's cool. I mean, all my characters have utilities and shit so I can cast light on it. How far away is it? It's pretty fucking far. Well, we're talking days of travel here. Probably two and a half days of travel if you stick to the roads. And the roads are always safe. We could stop at White Hedge also and stock up on things and maybe whore ourselves out there. The traveling rusty nipple. I like to whore in new and interesting places. Diversify.

I like long whores on the beach. Or we can always just... And sit past a really long naked lady over the beach. The funny thing is about this story right here, though, and this group. We're the assholes on the road so we can rob somebody. Yeah, exactly. That's true. We should totally show it. We should contact Shurun and leave him in a shallow grave. Let's do it. Do we run across any other travelers? On our way to White Hedge. Well, let's... Someone roll a flat d20 for me. I want to do it. Nobody else touched their dice. Thank you. I won't dare. Eighteen. Sadly, for you, the road to White Hedge is pretty desolate.

There's no one really out. Now, that could be because White Hedge has a notorious knoll problem. At least on the outskirts of the city, on the roads. They've had many attacks. Caravans will get knocked over and just travelers. So, sadly for you, you don't run into anybody. You just kind of have a safe journey to White Hedge. Now, by the time you reach White Hedge, it will definitely be morning. As a matter of fact, it would probably be close to noon the next day by the time you reach White Hedge. Is there anything going on outside that we can fucking rob?

Because we really need money. Well, there are normally travelers on the road this time of day. Like if you were going to, say, Lautford. You could probably find someone on the road if you're really, really interested in legitimately robbing someone on the road. I wouldn't do it in a town? No, no. Something about that just doesn't sit well. Let's do it. Alright, so you are just continuing on from White Hedge. Yeah. I don't think we really need anything. Can't afford anything, really. Mostly because we don't have any money to buy anything. That's true. Yeah. Well, them probably could.

Yeah. The sheep-fingered whore can afford all she wants. [Laughter] On the way to Lautford, go ahead and roll a D24 for me, please. Okay. Eight. There is a man on the side of the road. Oh. And his wagon appears to have broken one of its wheels. And he is currently working on it now. Guy is shirtless. He's just, like, he's pouring sweat. Is he cute? He is not cute. Fuck it. Kill him. Are you sure? I'm pretty sure. Well, you have to describe. Do you have to roll to see if he's attractive? Because if he's attractive, shirtless, and sweating, like, maybe let's just leave him.

Do me a favor. Roll a D20. See how attractive he is. Me, or? Well, Izzy. She asked. It's a crit one. No. This guy is middle of the road at best. Like, he's not winning any prizes. But, I mean, you know. But, like, what's wrong with him? Like, his face, body, what? He's got some just really flat scraggly hair, big nose, a little gut. A tiny bit of a gut, a little muffin top action going on over his slacks. Kind of a patchy brown beard. Ugh. Disgusting. I hate patchy beards. Okay, can we stop and I talk to him real quick? Sure. Alright, I'm gonna open, like, "Good morrow, how are you doing today?" Do you say good morrow?

Yes. That's polite conversation, J. He immediately knows he's fucked. Oh, shit. That sounds like something a douche would say. Yeah. A wagon of douches. A giant rusty nipple to top it off. Oh, God, this is how I die. So, your squeaky wagon is going to come kind of lumbering up. I would imagine it's all off kilter and it's all fucked up. We should actually do a roll right now to see how this is. Inspector style. A flat D20. Fine, a flat D20. Let's see what kind of shape your wagon is in. I'll do it. Better than a fucking nine. We're just dragging. A two! It's a wheelbarrow with a four sky to it.

We have three wheels. Dude, this wagon is the shittiest pile of shit in all of Brightport. So he's got a better wagon than we do right now. Like, you ever have the car that's famous in your neighborhood that drives around, it's like, "Oh, my God, there it is." Like, every once in a while you'll see it and it's like, "How do they fucking... How do they drive that?" So this thing, its wheels are all different sizes and off balance. I would like to think also that the heat builds up on it from the giant iron, not iron, but bronze rusty nipple. So it just, you're pouring sweat even in the shade.

It's a poor design. I can understand why Cava might want to have a big bronze canopy over the thing to kind of advertise, but structurally, not great for a wagon. So it squeaks and constantly is shifting and it's heavy and cumbersome and slow. You can hear it coming a mile away. So as you pull up, this guy is going to kind of like, "Oh, no." I have to mention, your crew looks like a pack of fucking scumbags. We're fine. And then you get out and, "Good morrow!" And he's instantly going to reach for the broadsword that's in the wagon. He's going to kind of grab...

He's reaching over like he would for a gun in his glove compartment. Just reaching over, grabbing the hilt of his sword while you're talking to him. "Hi." Just real, just like, "Hi." Can I roll diplomacy? Please do. All right, how about a 21? That's pretty good. What do you want to say to him? I'm going to put up my arm and say, "Don't worry about me. Just pass her by wanting to help." And then he looks at your wagon. And then he looks at the wagon and he goes, "I don't think you can help me." [laughter] Can I swing myself out of the wagon and kind of like, -smack her real slow?

-Smack her real slow. Sure. Okay. My raccoon is sitting on my shoulder as I'm just kind of like, petting its tail as I'm walking over. I'm just going to go over and say, "Hey, honey, maybe you should give us all your money." That was-- That's-- Okay, firstly, that's an intimidate check. Is it? -Oh, yeah. -I wasn't trying to be intimidating, but okay, I'll roll. Okay, well, okay, okay, okay. Let's explore this. -No, no, I'll roll it. I'll roll it. -No, no, no, no, hold on, hold on. If you're just politely asking, then it's not an intimidate check. It's not like politely asking.

It's kind of like there's a veiled threat. So I guess it's intimidate. -Okay. -I'll roll it anyway. -Seventeen. -Seventeen. Okay. Not bad. Uh... And he's kind of panning over the-- And at this point, he's going to draw the broadsword back just a bit. Like he's slowly reaching out of the wagon with it. Uh, uh, not a good idea. Can I sneak up behind him? Roll a stealth check, please. -Is this daytime, brother? -Twenty-four. Yeah, it's like noon. Well, this would-- Hold on a second. No, no, no, this isn't noon anymore because you would have traveled from White Hedge to-- So we're at dusk again.

Okay, good, because I'm a fucking vampire, and if it were noon, I'd be dead right now. Well, I mean, Thoril traveled around. Like, you can have, like, billowy cloaks and stuff like that. As long as direct sunlight doesn't hit you, you're okay. So it's a twenty-four. Uh, twenty-four will be, uh, yeah, you'll be able to kind of, like, sneak up on him. Like, his gaze is kind of drawn with Caleth and Shevar, so he's-- Okay. I'd like to pick his pockets, please. [laughs] Okay, roll a thief recheck, please. Twenty-one. Twenty-one. Uh, that will be enough to pick this dude's pockets as he's-- as he's standing there, like, staring at Caleth.

And he's still drawing the sword, like, he's still-- And he's gonna say, "I don't think I'm gonna be doing that." Um, do I see Nem pick his pocket? Uh... I mean, I snuck up on him, so, like-- Yeah, roll a perception check for me, please. Be a low check-- yeah, you see her. Okay, um, I'd also like to stealth away. Um, so I'm gonna see this and, like, not look at her. Like, not, like, glance away from this guy. Um, and I'm just gonna pat Shevar on the back and be like, "You know what? Okay, that's fine." And just, like, turn around and walk back to the wagon.

Alright, I am gonna stealth away from this guy. Thirty. Yes, you are gonna stealth away from this guy. You're a fucking ghost. You're a fucking ghost right now. So, this dude has a real kind of smug look about him. He's like, "Eh, that's right, asshole. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, that's right." Like, he feels kind of good about himself. Like, he's having a bad day, the wagon broke down, like, he's fixing that, and then, like, these would-be assholes just, like, wander up and they're gonna take his heart out of him and, like, fuck them. He's feeling really good.

Like, he's a big, tough, strapping dude, he feels like. Um, and I'm guessing you guys are going to kind of hobble away with your wagon? Like, if he finds out, he'll be able to catch up to him. He's like, "Come on, stop. Alright?" He'll be able to walk alongside and then... Hey, knock, knock, knock. Hey. As we're passing by, I wanna play a ghost sound right behind him so it sounds like there's a bear behind him. Just be an asshole. So he won't check his pockets right away because that was kind of weird that assholes just dropped by. Well, he wouldn't check his pockets right away just because he feels like he chased you off.

Like, he would have had no reason to think of it. Well, he looks too smug. He didn't even see them, so. No. Um, alright, so you use ghost sound on the way back. So it sounds like there's a fucking grizzly bear hiding in the tree line next to him *imitates bear noises* You just kind of hear him, like, react. Yeah. Okay, let's get a bust out laughing. Oh, the whole time that this entire encounter is happening, Cava's just got a huge, proud look on her face, like, "This is my team. My little babies." My boys. The most older than you are. Alright. So how much gold did I get?

Uh, let's see. Let's roll. I'm robbing that poor man. That poor fucking dude. Do me a favor and roll two D10s. Aw. I don't see it. Oh, there it is. 15. 15 gold. Okay, as we're riding by, can we do, like, an inspection on, like, what kind of shit he had in there? Like, his carriage? Well, you've rode by now. Oh. Alright, cool. That would have been the thing to do while you were there. That would have been the smart thing to do. Yeah, you decided you wanted to scare him instead of... Well, it was pretty cool at the time. It was fun. It was. Classic gag. *gasp* Well, I imagine it's a pretty big roar.

He's not prepared. He's in the middle of being smug, so... Um. Alright. Hours go by. Nice. And in the wee hours of the morn, I would imagine you would reach the tiny town of Lochfort. Lochfort is a little town surrounded by a waist-high wall. So this isn't... they have a couple of guards scattered around, but it's not really fortified in any way. Pretty quiet little burg, from what you've heard. The only establishment that would be open right now would be the local bar, which is open 24 hours. You can also check into their little... their inn. But that would be a thing where you'd have to pretty much wake someone up to pay someone for a room if you wanted to stay there.

Cava doesn't give us luck. Let's just sleep in the nipple, guys. Let's go to the bar. It's always free in the nipple. See, they didn't know any cocktails that are particular to Lochfort. Is there anything we won't quit talking? That's what she... no. Well, you would know, Nem. I think that would be the first place Cava would go is the bar. Okay. Heading to the bar in Lochfort, there is a spindly man behind the bar, wiping things down, cleaning up a bit. And there are actually a few people... it's kind of surprising that there are a few people floating around the bar.

There's a couple of guys in the back just laughing and cutting up and having a good time. There's a kid sweeping up, and it looks like they're cleaning up stuff for the night. Their busy time would be over. Maybe they had a really late night, and they're just kind of sweeping up peanut shells off the floor and cleaning up glasses, things like that. It's a great peanut fight. It happened. It's a tradition in Lochfort. Like this, you fucker. Did anyone go with Cava? I thought we all went over there. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure. Sorry. No one's going to steal the cart.

We're fine. You would hear them try a mile away. And then they would say, "Why are we doing this? Let's go fuck off." "This is a piece of shit." "Let's just pick it up and walk away." They stole our 8-track player. It was a great REO Speedwagon cassette. That was mine. Fucking Travis Wood listened to REO Speedwagon. Heading into this little bar, everyone's going to kind of stop what they're doing and look up at you. Again, you look like a collection of scumbags, to be honest. You give a vibe off when you're walking into the room. Howdy. And the man behind the bar is just going to kind of welcome you.

Hey, come on in. Do you guys want a drink? Yeah, all right. Got no money for drinks. Got any cocktails? Hee hee hee hee. Got any cock...tales? Do you get the joke, mister? Grabbing at his shirt, "Excuse me, mister, did you get it?" That should be the name of this episode, "Do You Get the Joke, Mister?" He's going to kind of like, "Yeah, yeah, I can fix you up something. You want something local?" I want something strong. Strong and local. And then he's going to kind of scan the room. I love sampling the local cuisine. They got a million open, mister. We're going to get emails with the unsettling sort.

I can feel it. I can feel it. We are not handling this with much maturity and depth. No, no. Oh, it was a whore. I thought once we left the whorehouse, the jokes would curve a bit, but no. You can take the whore out of the house, but you can't take the whore out of the whore. [Laughter] Uh, so yeah, he's going to go ahead and fix you up some drinks. And he's... we'll bring you to Lockford. Gravy boat. Gravy boat. He's going to cock his head just... Gravy boat. I don't understand. We're doing an errand. Ah, okay. Okay. Is there anything I can assist you with? And he's kind of leaning in a little bit.

This rounds on you, right? Uh, I'm afraid my boss would kill me if you found that out. Oh, no, I ain't asking your boss. I'm asking you, sir. I... Man, just run a little water through them bottles. [Laughter] Run a diplomacy check. Skewie fuck. [Laughter] Just steal. That's all we're asking you to do. Just steal. He's stealing. I'm asking for a gift. Seventeen. Seventeen. I'd love to, but I'd get in some real trouble. You'd love to? Great! Drank something. I'm in, everybody. [Laughter] Travis is that. Travis is that fucking guy. [Laughter] While they're talking, can Nem do a perception check and she is looking for the drunkest person at the bar?

Uh, yes, please do. Fifteen. It'll be me here in a minute. Um, uh, drunkest person at the bar would be one of the two men sitting all the way in the back. They have been the loudest since you've walked in. Just, just, kinda get drunk and tell, like, ridiculously exaggerated stories about things they went and hunted and killed. Alright, Nem is gonna head in that direction. You guys can finish your conversation, but then after she's gonna go talk to those gentlemen. Mmkay. Kayla's gonna look for the cutest guy in the room. Okay, perception check. Boop-a-doop-a-doop.

Seventeen. Seventeen. Um, uh, the boy sweeping up is, is pretty strapping. Uh, a little on the young side, but, but, you know, uh, nice build to him. Like, strong chiseled jaw, that, that kinda thing. Uh, I don't know if there's an age cutoff for Kayla? Uh, how, how young? We're talking seventeen-ish. Oh, fuck, that's fine. Kayla's like twenty, maybe, or something. That's legal inferior. You can fuck with your seventeen. Um, she's gonna, she's gonna wander over to him and just let everyone else do what they're gonna do. I'd just like to tell everyone, Kayla said thirty-eight.

Oh. Well, she's an elf. That's really young for an elf. Mmhm. That's like twenty for an elf. Thirty-eight. *knock knock* *laughter* But that's an elf years. It's not even, you know, whatever. That's like, that's like twenty-ish for a human. Um, are you gonna say something to him first, or is it just you're waiting for him to notice you? Um, I'll say something to him. Um, I'll just walk up to him and, um, well, let's see. Um, I'm just gonna say, "Hi, I'm Kayla. This is Tiv." And she's gonna point to her raccoon. What's your name, handsome? Um, he's, he's... Like, at first he's kinda taken aback.

Why do you have a raccoon? We all need friends. Um, I'm gonna look over at Tiv on my shoulder and Tiv is going to put his little hands up against his mouth like he's really sad. That you hurt his feelings. Oh, uh, and he's gonna kinda reach out to, to Tiv and like, try and pet him. Um, do I have to, do I have to roll for that? 'Cause I think, I think Tiv would be fine with pets. Um, if you've, if you've trained him to be okay with it, like, I mean, I would imagine unless you give him the heads up like, "Hey, that guy's not cool." Like, I mean, he has self-preservation.

Like, I mean, you know. Okay. Um, I'll tell him, "Scratch behind the ears." He loves that. So, uh, Trevor's gonna give a little smile as he's, he's kind of like scratching behind this, this little guy's ears. What brings you guys to town? We're doing, uh, an errand for a friend. It's kind of a hassle, but I was wondering if you know anything about the Silver Glade. We're gonna have to wander in there pretty soon. Oh, uh, yeah. Me and, me and my dad hunt there all the time. Oh, perfect. Tell me all about it. Uh, well, I mean, are you going there to hunt? No, we're going there to, uh, dig.

Oh. Uh, well, uh, it's kind of dangerous. I mean, if you're all going, you should be fine, but you should really have a guide or something. Uh, I mean, it's kind of chock full of stuff that wants to kill you. Um, I would avoid the northern section. Uh, that's pretty much troll territory. Uh, Drake's you can hear coming a mile away if you keep your ears open. And the rest of it is just, you know, don't get caught out there at night. I mean, that's pretty common sense stuff, though. You seem like you know what you're talking about. Uh, well, yeah, I've had a lot of practice.

You wouldn't want to accompany us, maybe keep us safe, show us what's what? I, I guess I could. I mean, forgive me for asking, man, but would this job pay by any chance? For a handsome boy like you, of course. Um, and he's gonna kind of give this bashful smile. Um, and she'll like touch his shoulder like really gently kind of like kind of flirty and just be like, why don't you come to the bar, meet my boss, have a drink. There's enough sweeping down here. Okay, and he's gonna kind of put the broom like just kind of put it down. Sweet. I will lead him over to the bar and over to Cava.

Well, they are, I'm not sure what Nem is overdoing with drunken boys. And I know. At this point, Travis is behind the bar pouring drinks. Grab that broom and start sweeping. This is how a man sweeps. Your technique is terrible. You got no technique, son. You have to shove it up your bum. Give it to her and she'll show you. Squat and shuffle. Twerk and twerk and twerk and twerk. Um, Chavar is gonna head outside and at the top of his lungs next to the card, he's gonna scream magic, magic for sale. It's like 3 in the morning. Magic, magic. Um. Everyone kind of just scattered as soon as we got here.

We made it very complicated for Jason. It's like no one has any money, so it's like let's all try to, you see one person trying to make money. Everybody's like, "Hey, I want money." Yeah, money. Sell my magic on the street at 3 in the morning. Brilliant. Cava's sitting at the bar and she's gonna question the bartender. I'm just noticing everyone every two seconds is getting up. Yeah. Sorry. No, no. So she is going to say, "Pint of ale, please." I got it. Grab. The bartender's gonna give a look like, "Ugh." Like as soon as you speak. Just fucking gross. Can I roll perception to see if she notices?

Yes, please. 15. Not quite. She's used to it. Yeah, like maybe she's just desensitized. Like, ugh, just, ugh, okay. And he goes ahead and pours you a pint. We're looking for tunnels. In general, or? Sorry guys, Julian just came in and totally threw me off my game. No problem. In the Silverglade. Old tunnels. She cuts to the chase. She doesn't bullshit around. She just wants her information. Ugh, I'd say you're probably looking to go to the West End then. That's the oldest. The oldest stuff was built there. A bunch of elves. I mean, it's really dangerous though. I wouldn't go there.

She's gonna give a smirk and say, "The danger's my favorite part." And she's just gonna drink her beer. Her ale. I'll Saunter off to her with a Trevor. Trevor. I'll Saunter up, kind of like leading Trevor. I'll grab his hand or something. Say, "Kava, honey." Kava's gonna look up. "Look, I found this handsome boy and he's going to lead us around in the woods and show us what's up." "And be our guide." She's gonna look him up and down. And then say, "You ever been to the West End?" Uh... [laughter] Oh, that's a lot. [laughter] That is a lot to take in. Uh, yes, ma'am?

Yes, uh, with my dad, yeah. That's where we're going. Pack your shit, we leave in the morning. And she's just gonna turn back around. Um, she's gonna... Trevor's gonna lean over to Caleb. "My God, that woman's abrasive." You know, you kind of get used to it, as horrible as that is. Oh. I'm not used to it. [laughter] Um, is Travis still behind the bar? Uh, and you can... roll a perception check, please. 23. 23. Um, you can just overhear Trevor kind of packing up. And he's gonna go walk over to the bartender and tell him, "Tell my dad I went hunting." Okay, if he's packing his shit, I will like...

I'll like... he'll just be like, "No, no, no, honey, honey, honey." "We're leaving in the morning. We're not gonna go out there at night." "We're not that stupid." Oh, good, 'cause that's kind of suicide. Plus, that means we get to spend a night here. Yay. Ooh. Um, this kid's... like, there's kind of like... He's trying to surprise him, but there's an ear-to-ear smile coming over his face. Like, "Oh, this like real dumb 17-year-old kid, like, oh girl." And... especially elven women. Elven women are hot. He's into elven girls. So, are you kind of bedding down for the night, or are you just kind of like hanging out at the bar for a while, then...

Um, question. Do I get any high rollers for magic? At three o'clock in the morning. Um, surprisingly, no takers at three o'clock in the morning in a small town like Lockford. Not even like Town Guard or anybody? Um, they would be going out of their way to avoid you, actually. Just like a recovering addict, just desperate. Just like, "Any of it! Magic! Anyone!" Is this your car trick? Anybody? Well, especially if you're doing the shit you were doing in the bar where you're just shooting off pillars of flame, I imagine it's like Homer Simpson standing out in front of the bowling-- Bowling!

Bowling here! Just with a shotgun. Well, could I do it dangerously close to people's roofs so it's like they wake up and it's like, "What's all this-- Oh, magic! I didn't know that." No, it would be, "Oh, fire! Near my home!" I'd be like, "Go check it out and bring all my money for him." It's a good idea. Uh... yeah, so no one's really, like, no one's biting. Shame. Let's say it's the next morning. Let's say that you've had time to, you know, you caught a nap, you've gotten your shit together. You guys and Trevor are going to load up in your shitty wagon.

And it breaks because the extra load. "You brought a sword? That's too much weight, man. You broke it." The fuck, man? You gotta leave your shoes, man. You're gonna walk through the forest barefoot. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So, let's ask a question. Did Trevor and Calith do anything? 'Cause this is going to affect Trevor's behavior on the trip. I mean, yeah. Okay. Of course. He totally went to his room and was like, "Hey, babe." So, Trevor is going to be like a lovesick puppy with Calith. So, just totally, like, hanging on her every word, goes out of his way to sit next to her in the car, like, not even trying to hide it.

Like this poor 17-year-old kid. As you lumber towards the Silverglade... I imagine the wagon just boom, boom, boom. Square wheel is not a good idea for some reason. I would not advise taking this wagon into the actual forest. No, however, there's not, like, a perfect road. There are trails, but I mean, it's not big enough, really, for the wagon. Like, it would get stuck. Like, this thing is not meant for off-terrain, like, off-road terrain. That and it's loud and it'll alert everything that wants to eat us out there. True. Ooh, food. Another good point. It's like the ice cream truck, like, "Oh, dear, the fuck?" Delicious treats in here.

Delicious treats in here. That and you're kind of baking yourself in your bronze nipple like you are. That sounds... sounds weird. Baking ourselves in our bronze nipple. Can we take a wheel off just in case, like, we don't want anybody to steal this? I don't think that's gonna be a problem. Like the Therian version of the club? I don't want to get out and say, "Now we gotta walk. We'll get there, like, quicker." "Yeah, but we'll be tired." Is there a horse pulling it? Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay. Like, how tired is he and how frustrating is he? He's dead. Well, that's part of the check with the cart.

So this is, like, a beaten-down old nag of a horse. Just... it's ancient and barely, like, lumbering, like... Just like... every step looks like it may be its last. When I call him "Stew." I like that. Because that's what he'll be soon. Uh... well, I think... I also arrived blue. He misses. He misses. Like, if we wanted to do that, it would have been five years ago. He would have been something good. Now he's all tired and muscle. He's tough meat. Mmm, this is bad. This was a bad idea. I missed the horse. Stew stinks. Stew's fine. Alright. So Trevor is going to try and lead you guys through the Silverglade.

Trevor's got his bow drawn, and he wants to appear impressive to Caleth. Like, that's his... it's like, "I'm gonna show this girl what I got." Like, "I've been hunting before. I know what's up." So, who would like to roll a D20 for me, please? Me, me, me. Okay. 15. Making your way through the Silverglade. Making my way through the Silverglade. [Laughter] Na na na na na na na na. Okay. [Laughter] Na na na na na na na na na na. Why do we all know that song? Every time you say, "And making your way," and then I... I know! Can't help it. Remind me to stick that in this episode somewhere in that crowd.

Okay, good. Just lightly, getting so psyched. Is that a song? What is that? Just find the instrumental and just put it in. Yeah. That was in the bar. That was in the bar. That's traveling music. So, Trevor is kind of... Like, he thinks he's expertly leading you through the Silverglade. He has a good handle on where all the dangerous portions are. He knows where you're going, and at a certain point you won't be able to dodge danger. But leading towards the west end... You've managed to avoid a lot of the big nasty stuff that would want to either crush your skull or eat your bones or any of the awful things that are here.

You finally, after about an hour and a half, you reach what's considered the west end of the Silverglade. And he's gonna turn to Caleb. What exactly are we looking for in particular? The catacombs, right? Well, yeah. Grattach would have given you the basic description of what he knows. What the Collector in Brightport would have known. Which is a sealed tunnel entrance that would be in the Silverglade. And he'd give you a roundabout, which would be in the west end. This entrance would be pretty well hidden to have stayed sealed away for so long. So, kind of referring Travis to that.

He's like, "I think I might know where that is." But you can see on the look of his face, he's pretty unsure of himself. But he doesn't want to tell Caleb, "Oh, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about." I don't even have to do a perception check to do that? Oh my god. No. It's pretty on the face of it. Should have said, "Well, why don't you show us, and if it's not the right place, it doesn't really matter. I mean, we're going to be looking for it all day anyway." Just kind of pat him on the shoulder. Okay. And he's going to bound forward. Who would like to do a nature check for me, please?

Or a perception roll? Nature. I have plus 18 to nature. Shit. I'll roll that. I'm going to go whore for the job. Wow. Shitty. 22. 22's not too bad. I mean, that was a shitty roll, but 22's not too bad. Okay, so Caleb is going to notice that the way the forest is kind of set up here, that at one point at least, that there's a particular trail kind of worn down. Now, it's been overgrown since then, but this area has seen a lot of foot traffic. And that kind of cuts off towards this hill face. And there's just shitloads of ivy kind of overgrown and the trees there are kind of hanging over it.

Kind of nondescript. You would walk past it a thousand times and really not think to investigate it any further. But there's something a little suspicious about the ancient foot traffic there. I guess she'll point that out to everybody. Alright, let's go for it. Cava is sleeping on the cart. All the way back at the cart? Did we ditch the cart? Yeah! She just wakes up. We've been gone for 30 minutes. Where the fuck did they go? She sleeps with her eyes open. I must have missed that part. Sorry guys. No, that's totally fine. Excuse me. Everyone do me a favor and roll a perception check.

Okay. That's a plus 5. 17. 24. I remembered how to do it this time. 16. We're 17 brothers, Jason. Justin. Thank you. I haven't made that mistake in years. I feel so terrible. I know. Our names aren't similar. I know. I don't know why I did that. Everyone does it, dude. Cava is going to hear something in the distance. And it sounds like it's maybe 60, 70 yards away. It sounds like a howl. I don't know. Son of a bitch. She's the only one who hears it and it's howling 60 or 70 yards away. Are we all deaf? Well, it'd be really far away if we wouldn't hear it. If it was like six yards away, we'd hear it.

She just has really good ears or whatever. For 110, I've got good hearing. If it was 105. Her hearing aid is turned all the way up. Yep. She is old as shit. She can't remember how old she is. She lies about her age all the time. She's been 40 decades off. You don't look a day over 90. Aw. Thanks, honey. You're sweet. You don't sound a day over 400. [laughter] So upon hearing this, she is going to take out her great-ex. Trevor's going to spin her... What's going on? Why do you have a weapon drawn? She's going to put... Not put. She's going to have a giant grin on her face showing off her big spiky teeth and say, "The fun's about to begin, kid." Oh shit.

Like, take out the weapons. Kayla's going to grab her scimitar. She's like, "Whoop." Do me a favor. If everyone would... Oh my. If everyone would put their characters right in this general vicinity. Oh, I just got something to say. This rock looks like a butt. [laughter] I just got... Your pikipi threw that twice. Dude, all the rocks look like butts. Yeah, I know. I can't see them. I can't see the map or my character to move him, so just pretend it's there, I guess. Okay, you know what? Here's what we'll do. For the fun of it, here's what we'll do. Now that you've all been alerted...

Kind of. You've just been told the fun's about to begin, but that... I mean, danger. Everyone do me a favor and roll a perception check. Shit. 27. 14, all right. 10. That's about right. 16. 23. Oh, shit. Okay, Trevor rolled a 22. All right. Let's see here. Trevor and Nem and Kayleth. We'll see the... The bushes in the clearing, just on the edge of the clearing here. You're going to see them move violently, and you're going to hear what sounds like a large, wild animal running towards you. And out of the bushes sprints what appears to be a half-man, half-wolf creature.

Oh, no. It looks like it's approaching eight feet, but is hunched over, and it's going to come out of the bushes and then bound at you on all fours. Do me a favor. Everyone roll an acrobatics check. Fuck. That's not a shot. Acrobatics or athletics. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Shit, they're both five. 24. 14. 23. Boom. Did I not roll? Did you? Oh, there it is. 26. Okay. Let's see here. 26, 19, 23, 21. Okay. I got that. Who's the lowest here? Okay. Slowest person would be Nem. So this werewolf is going to come bounding out of the forest, and it kind of senses the slowest person in the pack would be Nem.

For whatever reason, this particular... She shouldn't be, but she was. Vampire, yeah. Fucking tiefling vampire should not be the slowest person in the pack. Probably should have been Cabba. So Trevor is going to kind of bound up and... Let's see here. Wait, Trevor's bounding up? I'm sorry, not Trevor. Werewolf. You go get him, kid. I've got this one. 22. Does that beat your reflex? Yes. Okay. So this werewolf is going to leap at Nem and pin her to the ground. And it's going to kind of rear back, and it's going to get ready and try to attack Nem. I'm going to give everyone a chance to try to do something to this werewolf before it can attack Nem.

Like in the split second it would take. Okay, can I do my wolf show? Can I be a tiefling vampire werewolf? I think that's too many fucking things. If you were a vampire, you can't be a werewolf too. Well, there we go. Oh, what happens if the... Oh, I can slide a target three squares. Yeah, I was looking at my same things that did that. I was going to shield bash him. Well, let's roll initiative. 25. I have a thing where if I don't like my initiative, I can reroll it. But I get to add ten points to it too. Shit. That's useful. It's called smoker's voice. Let me just really quickly figure out what it's called, because if I'm wrong, I'm going to feel like a dick.

Carton of pommels. That's up daily. It's called battle awareness. Thank you. It's right above grim presence. I'll add my plus ten to that already. 35. So you're going first. [laughs] Alright, Cabba, go ahead. Okay, I am going to try... I'm trying to get a hold of my powers, so this may take a second or two. So currently, this werewolf is on top of Nem, right? Yes, kind of got her pinned down. If I wanted to swing my axe and just hit him off of her, or would it have to be a movement thing? Well, essentially she's just prone. That's the only way. He can't hold her down.

He's next to her, just knocked her prone. Do awful stuff to her. Okay, then I'm going to do brash strike. Which, if it hits, I'll get extra damage. You grant combat advantage to the target until the start if you're next to her. That kind of stinks. But first I gotta move. I'm so used to being a ranged person. I'm going to come right on up there. Boop! Now I do it. That is a hit. Damage. 22 damage. Nice. Very nice. And he gets an extra three damage because it comes off my constitution modifier. Unless, does that do it automatically? It's as if I'm building an axe, or...

Okay. No, I got it. Alright. Shravas, your turn. Okay, well I can't see anybody's characters or the map or anything, so just imagine Shravas walks up to the vampire, or the werewolf rather. That was a stupid slip up, I'm such a shithead. I'm going to take my hammer hand stance, which, until the stance ends, whenever you hit an enemy with a melee basic attack using a weapon, you can use a free action to push the enemy one square, and then shift the same distance to a square adjacent to that enemy. So I'm going to do that, and hit him with my melee basic.

Oh, I have to do it by hand? Sorry guys, give me a second. I don't get to add plus one, I was in speedy. Oops. It's not being speedy, it's thinking speedy. Cri-ri-ris! Boo! First crit of the day! Woo hoo! This is so soft compared to what I'm used to with the N-word. Except it's 18, not 17. Okay, so, I'm done now? Yes, you push him back, so you're, okay, so you're gonna just hammer at this werewolf, and then like push him forward. Uh, Nem, your turn, you're prone, but... You don't have a werewolf on top of you anymore. Yeah. Which is good, because he wasn't going to pay.

Sorry. [Laughter] I love it! No, Nem's going to roll over, and like, she's still on all fours because she's prone, and she's going to immediately just like leap right at this vampire and do Taste of Life. You can count that, like she did use her move action to stand up, but in my head she didn't stand up, she just leapt right back at him. Right. She's gonna bite his neck. That wasn't the way it looked like. Yeah. And now I heard it. Did I say vampire? Yeah. It's complicated when you are also a vampire. You just hit yourself. Oh, I did! Wow, I suck at this. Did I attack myself?

She jumps up and punches herself. I don't hit the fortitude of a werewolf, because I did punch myself. It does not. It's you though. Ah, shit! It does hit me. That sucks. God damn. You jump on yourself. Ah, bitch. I don't have any other students I can do. So if your roll fails, that attack hits you? Yeah, I just stood up. Cool. All right, and Trevor's turn. I don't understand what just happened. Did she hit herself? No, she didn't hit herself. Okay, then why does it matter? She attacked yourself. Well, she accidentally clicked on herself. Oh, I got you. Okay. Yeah, it was like a "haha." Ah, let's see.

Trevor... I didn't get to Trevor. Get the next one. Left. Damn. Trevor is going to put away his bow, and he's going to take out this pretty large hand axe. And he is going to try and come down on Trevor and crit. Damn. Nice. We didn't go to Trevor. Stupid dog, that's what you get. He's going to do 18 damage to Trevor. Wait, is it crit? To the fucking werewolf. Why'd you roll? Oh, and it's max. Yeah, why did I roll his damage? I'm dumb. I did it, Tom. Um... No, okay. Sorry, that's what it's called now. No, that's fine. Famous. Uh, 41 damage. Sorry. Shit. Jesus. Werewolf lord.

So he's dead. Who killed him? No. Good job, guys. And this wolf is going to howl out in pain when he's struck. Uh, Calith, your turn. Okay, so Calith is going to do one of those low whistles like, "Daaamn." And, um, who needs healing? Because all my cool attacks revolve around healing. So, let's go, um, combined attack. Um, first I'm going to move. Boop. Cool. That is a hit. Um, so, that's going to do damage. Okay, and, um, I am going to, um, like, stretch my arm out and let Tiv, like, run along my arm and jump. Um, and I'm going to say, uh, "Get his eyes!" Um, so Tiv is going to leap at this, at this werewolf and try to, uh, attack its eyes.

Uh, and he's going to kind of rake his little hand across this werewolf's cornea here. I expect you to edit in raccoon sounds in the episode. Sad and close. But we have excellent foley people here at DNR. We will, we will take care of it. Um, so there's extra damage for that, I believe. Uh, is that a 1d6 plus 5, I believe? Um, sure. Yeah, I'll roll that on the thing. Okay. Crit damage, cool. 11 more damage for that, dude. Little shit. That's what you get. That's pretty nice. Wasn't as good as Trevor, but... "That will bloody the werewolf!" Yeah! Um, does he also get, like, blinded or, uh, something?

Um... Stunned? Anything? Because he had to set his eye clogged? With a dirty raccoon? Um, like, for 11 damage, which is a significant amount of eye clawing? Um, I would say that blind is a little bit of a... He still has one good eye. Yeah, because he's still, um... I would say he's dazed. Okay. Uh, until the end of your next turn. Because that was a pretty good hit. Uh, shivar. Ah. Uh, I'm gonna scamper right here. I'm gonna use charm of the defender. Uh, if this hits, then I get to slide in three squares and he's immobilized until the end of my next turn. Uh, uh, um, I think there's no...

It hits! Yes! Okay. I'm gonna have one... Oh, I can't... wait. No, what the fuck are you doing? Uh, just slide him right... Because I can't do it myself. One... Right here. Okay. And he's immobilized. Okay. Alright. That's it. Uh... Werewolf Lord's turn. Let's see here. Okay. Uh, he is going to use shake it off. Oh, fuck. Uh, and shake all status conditions as a minor action. So he is no longer dazed or immobilized. Shake it off because he's a dog, right? Kinda. Uh, and let's see. He is going to... Hmm. Uh, as a standard here, he's going to use speed of the wolf. And he is going to shift six spaces.

Actually, he'll just shift three. And the person who fucking made a crit attack on this thing and buried an axe in his skull was Trevor. So he is going to use a bite attack against him. Uh, that is a hit. Everybody look for immediate actions. Hurry, hurry, hurry. I think... Uh, I'm guessing no one has one? Is he adjacent to me? I can't see the map. He is not. Okay, never mind though. I could have saved him. Hmm. I don't have any. Oh, is he dead? Uh, this werewolf is going to bite down on the area between Trevor's neck and shoulder. Uh, and Trevor's going to kind of give out this huge, just like, this scream and pain.

And that will be 18 damage to Trevor. Uh, Cava, your turn. Hey, I'm muted. Sorry. Hey! Um, first of all, fuck. That sucks. I went too fast. Guys, we're just making sure that down the line, people are going to die. Um, okay, I am going to... Well, I have to move, which I am really not used to. This is going to be interesting. How do I get right there? And I am going to do Crushing Surge. Ooh. Hit. That is a hit. I believe you spend a Healing Surge? Um, it's Invigorating, so I get temporary hit points. Not that I need them, I don't think, yet at least. Details. No. Invigorating, yeah.

When you hit with a melee or close, double with Invigorating. It doesn't say how many I get. Your Constitution. Your Con Mod, so three, so that's six. Okay. Anyway, damage. Ten damage. Ten. Yay. Anything else? That'll be it. Uh, Chiravus, your turn. Cool. I'm going to take the Battlerat Stance, which adds a plus two power bonus to my damage rolls. And I'm going to use my basic melee attack. Chirv. Oh, that's not a crit. Oh, it isn't a crit. Because you rolled an eight. That's what my attack is, 1d8 plus... Twelve, so, yeah. Wait, wait, how is your attack 1d8 plus twelve?

Wait, what am I looking for? Oh, I rolled damage first. I'm stupid. Somebody just pulled another Tom. That would be Tom. I'm the asshole. I've only been playing this for like two and a half years. Twenty four. Uh, again, Stacey? Yes. Uh, that'll miss. Holy shit. Heroic Effort. Heroic Effort will hit. Okay, great. And I'm just going to reuse that crit I rolled earlier for my damage. That's okay. I'm rerolling it. I'm just kidding. Do it again. Hit another crit. That's too many tables. Stop being stupid. Sixteen. Almost a crit. Almost. Boom. Okay, anything else? Uh, no, I'm good.

Uh, Nim, your turn. Fucking this guy up. Alright. I'm going to move. One, two, three, four, five is selected. Someone just used an old Wild West Spittoon? Sorry. That was my cat. Sorry. Oh. Um, I'm then going to use Gaze of Ruin on the werewolf. Okay. It just got really quiet. I was like, did I lose you guys? So that's, he gains vulnerability to all damage equal to one half my level plus my intelligence modifier. I don't have an intelligence modifier so that's just ten right now. Um, until the end of my next turn, but since I have a feat, it lets me do it. It's to the end of the encounter.

So he's vulnerable to five all damage. Um. Nice. And then, fuck it, I will use Dominear and Gaze because everything I have attacks fucking will. I mean, reflex, and this is the only one that doesn't. So, miss. No. Alright, but I get to keep the power. Okay. It's not expended until it works. Anything else? Nope, that's going to be it. Fucking, it's not worth it. Uh, Trevor. Good lord. Okay, so Trevor is, uh, Trevor's kind of panicking here. Like, he just got bit by this thing. Um, he's going to, uh, raise his axe again and swing at the werewolf. Um, that is a crit miss.

Trevor. He stabs himself right into the stomach. Uh, like this kid's panicking, you can tell. Like, he is fucking scared. Uh, Kaleth, your turn. I thought you knew what you were doing. He felt good, too. He got that crit in front of Kaleth. He's like, "Alright." Like, he's feeling, like, big dick swinging for a second. And then he got bit and then, "Ow!" Fucker. A giant dog just bit me. Okay, um, Kaleth is going to look, like, genuinely worried. Um, and she's going to, like, reach out and, like, "You're okay, kid." Um, and she's going to use a healing word on him.

Um, so that's 3d6. So, I'll roll that. Okay, he can-- Wow, that's shitty. He can regain 9 hit points. Poor fuck. Wait, wait, wait. Healing surge? I think it's 2d6. Uh... I think it's 3d6 at level 11. Oh, yeah, you're right there. Okay. Let me just reroll that, then. We can just take the first two guys. That's just fine. Yeah? Okay. 7. 7. Alright. So, 7 and a healing surge. Okay. So, that'll bring Trevor back up to full health. Oh, perfect. Um, and then I'm going to use... Where is it? Reap-- Reap the Harvest. Here we go. Uh, that's gonna miss. Yeah, that was a shitty roll.

Um, let's see. I'm considering using Elven Accuracy. Let's use all your tricks. Yeah, Elven Accuracy. I'm gonna reroll that attack. Okay. Gee. Sorry, hey, it's an encounter. Why the fuck not? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I get it. Oops. Okay. I have so many powers. Okay. Yes. There we go. That's a hit. Okay, the damage is shit, so it's fine. Jesus. That's not shit. 18 damage ain't bad. Good enough to kill him. Uh, it is not good enough to kill him. Um, my interaction can-- can-- can-- My interaction can Tiv attack him. Uh, let's see. Tiv would be-- Yeah, 'cause Tiv would be right there.

Okay, um, we think I should try and daze him, trip him up, what? Go for the other eye. Okay, I'll-- I'll do the same thing. Like, reach out my arm so Tiv can run along my arm and say, um, "Go for the eye. The other one." Okay. The other-- the one you didn't get. Uh, roll a d20+15, please. Geez, that's good. He's a sneaky little fuck. 'Cause he can get in real close, that's why. He doesn't do much damage, though. Not bad. Uh, geez, uh, 28 versus his AC. That will hit. Attaboy. Take his eye. Um, what was the damage we said? Uh, 1d6+5. Okay, I'll miss. 6 damage, and this werewolf is officially blind.

I'm really good at Marco Polo, guys. Well, that's fine. Can you shake off being blind? No, you cannot shake off being blind. Plus, he can only do that once in combat anyway, so. Okay. Shavar! Alright, um, gonna jump on top of this rock, do a ginyu force pose. Then use Burning Hands. I'm gonna blast it straight up his butt. Oh, God. On who's-- That's what you learned in the brothel? Yes. Butt! Some people are into that. Hit! That is a hit. Um, gonna roll for damage. Ha! 10 damage. Not bad. 10 damage, I guess. Uh, he also has-- Well, no, he just takes fire damage. Never mind.

Okay. Uh, this werewolf lord is in a full-blown panic and pissed off. Um, and he's going to take two wild claw swings, uh, in Calus' direction, but with a -5 penalty for being blind. So that's a miss. Oh, that's a hit. Shit. 17 damage. Now? Wait, is she werewolf now? No, it's claws. Not a bison. Shavar's the werewolf. Cava, your turn. Okay, I was making sure I wasn't on mute, sorry. Um, Cava is going to do crashing assault. Mm-hmm. Do... If I can get this to work right. Miss, son of a bitch. Um, shit, she missed. I don't know. The action point? I was thinking about it.

The first notable kill of the show was on the line. I would. If it was me. Yeah. He's a werewolf. It's the werewolf lord. He's werewolf lord. The werewolf lord. Yeah, and see, that's what I was thinking, because I was like, oh, well, it's 1130, so I doubt we'll be... Yeah, I'm going to action point. Oh, there you go. I was going to action point. Bam. So, target is slowed. So, again, target is already slowed. I like the ones where I get extra damage because of what I'm wielding. Yeah, I'm going to try Knee Breaker. Ooh. It sounds awesome. Right, that sounds like something she would do.

Son of a bitch. Wasted action point. Roll the exact same thing. I know. It sucks. Travis, your turn. Okay, I'm going to take my Defender Aura Sense, I guess, and that gives the werewolf a -2 penalty to attack rolls to everybody in the party except for me. Damn. And then I'm going to hit him with my melee basic attack, because that's all I have right now. And now it's a highler feel. This is really dull. Don't even have an off hand either. Okay. Shasha. That'll hit. Nice. Okay, and that would be a d8 plus 10. Oh, you fucking table quit adding extra. 12. That will kill the werewolf.

First. Yeah. You. Got him. Travis Clem just earned his first notable kill. Yeah, buddy. So, Trevor is going to look just kind of like panic and scared. He's got after the - like this werewolf goes down and Trevor's just going to like fall to the ground like on his ass. Can I do some sort of check to figure out what you do about werewolf fights? Go ahead and roll a nature check. Leave him to die so we don't turn? I know everything. 31. Well, Caleth would recognize that as a werewolf. It's a pretty rare creature. It is a man or woman who has been unlucky enough to be cursed.

And they turn into a vicious werebeast that loses all rationality and attacks anything nearby and kills and feeds. You would also know that because Trevor has been bitten, it's only a matter of time before he turns into one of those things. You would also know that it's not necessarily a death sentence or something that he will lose himself to, but it's something he can try to control through breathing exercises, use of willpower, just try to - A little bit of yoga. Yeah. He's the Hulk. That's kind of, yeah. So Caleth would know all that. Awkward. Yeah, and Trevor's just kind of like look up at her, because the bite's been healed over now thanks to Caleth.

And he's just kind of look up at her like real scared. Just like real like, he's looking to you to make it better. She's like, "Oh honey, I am so sorry." And he's just, "What the hell was that?" That was a werewolf. A what? How do you not know? How did you not know what a werewolf was? I've never seen one before. Oh fuck. Look, you got bitten. I mean, it's all better now. I mean, you healed me. Thank you so much by the way. I mean, you all, I mean, thank you. I just, I don't know how it got the drop on me. I should have been paying more attention, but I mean, it's going to be okay now, right?

Okay, let's go look at Cava like, "Oh God, like what have I done?" Cava's gonna sort of give her a look like, "You're fucked." And she's going to light up a cigar and walk away. This ain't her business. Is there supposed to be a chalice we're looking for? It's a gravy boat. So on a scale of one to ten, how bad would it be if I tried to pick his pocket while he's distracted? He's pretty distracted. You get a plus two right now. I'll give you a fourteen. I'll pick his pockets and leave him in the woods to turn by himself. So Nema's going to try to reach into Travis's pockets while he's sitting there looking up at Caelath.

And he's going to feel your hand slide into his slacks. And he is going to stand up and smack your hand away and say, "Hey! I just got bitten here by..." And he turns around and says, "What was it?" Oh, a werewolf. And don't worry honey, she's a whore. It's what she does. She was trying to steal from me. Wait, wait, she was trying to make you feel better. I have a bluff of sixteen so I can handle this. No I wasn't. That is not going to pass him. Okay, okay. Does anybody mind if I use the... God dammit, what is that power called? Ghost sound. Like another werewolf right behind him so he runs off?

I don't mind. Go for it. That's funny. Okay, I'm going to use the ghost sound so it's like a "rawr" right behind him. I'm a saber tooth from the X-Men cartoon. Alright, well make it sound like so I wanted. It's sort of like a "ooooo" Like a werewolf. Like a "rawr". It's funny because people died. Alright, so it's like right behind him. Like right in the bushes or trees right behind him. Yeah. Okay, Trevor is going to... Trevor is going to hear this and break into a full blown panic. Got him. And he is going to run into the woods. Like clean into the thick of the woods.

Avoiding any path that you may have taken and just run. Okay, I'm going to shout after him as he's running. You're going to turn into one of those one of these days. You will rule the day. Hold on, let me see if he heard that. He did not hear that. Not even a little. Okay, so Shavar is going to just like start relaxing. He's like "alright, we got him guys. We're clear." Good job. I would say that that's a pretty good time for us to stop this evening. Cool. It worked out great you guys. We did it gang. We didn't die. We ensured that group two will die. One day, yes.

Through your actions you have ensured that group two will lose two others. Isn't that tremendous? Screaming to him like "Tell people we saved you." Two people will be ripped to shreds thanks to your hard work. To shreds? Oh my god. I would say that was pretty light. Come on, that was pretty light. That was fun. Yeah, I had a blast. I think that was awesome. We were such assholes. Hey, let's rob this guy. Is it okay if I pick his pocket while he's down? I wonder if people are going to dig this. I wonder if... I think so. In the beginning it was a little rough because we were just getting started but we picked it up man.

Once you find those characters it's fun. You just found them. They're true scumbags. I love the idea of the fact that through your actions you're fleshing out what Brightport is. Because when group two was there I don't feel like everyone got a sense of how shitty Brightport is as a place. It's people that just stayed inside their house and just peeked out every now and then and just shut the curtains and ran back in. Is it run down like Durn Hollow? It's okay. Just picture a huge city kind of like Philadelphia. Baltimore from the wire. There you go. Something like that.

Where it's this big city. It's just filled with people like you guys. Yeah, picture anything like an old timey thief game or something like that where everybody talks like British people and they're always run down, always raining at night. There are two types of people in Brightport. There are con artists and the people getting conned. That is essentially the two types of people that live in Brightport. Constantly sleeping in alleys. It's kind of beautiful really if you think about it. It is the city of thieves. I like how we're traveling the rooms like oh no we don't have to worry about assholes.

We are those assholes. That is pretty fun. We are the bandits. [LAUGHTER]