The Law

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

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So thank you very much, and enjoy the episode. Let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master. Going to the table to start with Bre. Hi, my name's Brianna Richardson. I play Jadzia Grace, the human warlock. And Kat. Hi, I'm Kat Charlie, and I play Fi, the changeling thief. And Mac Roni. God damn it. Hi, I'm Mac, and I play Kaluna Volgares, the wild and shaman. Fuck you, Jason. It's just Roni. Thank you. No, you said it, it's a thing. It's a thing. Ladies and gentlemen at home, I deeply apologize. It's just Roni.

It's not, it's... I swear to God, if people start calling me that, I'm going to blame you, Jason. See, like, Mac Roni is the formality. But if you really know her well, you can call her Roni. See, the thing is, the more you fight it, the more they're gonna make it a thing. Did you notice how we didn't fight the jizzy thing? Because the more you fight it, that's when people go, "Oh, then they don't want it to be a thing, it's funny." Don't fight it, just let us call you Roni. Okay. So, last time on the show, Cat, Bree, and Roni made their way to the town of Lockford.

And along the way, they kind of let someone die. They decided that it would be in their best interest to not intervene with an ogre attacking a traveler. Who was taking goods to a different town. They decided to ride on by, and as a result, he got his head clean bitten off. But these things do happen in the world, it sucks. But if you were to fight the ogre-- - I believe he was bitten in half, not just the head. - That's true, that's true. Well, the head was in the half, but yeah, his whole half. - Yes. - Yeah, so. So that does suck, these things happen. I mean, who knows, maybe you can intervene next time.

In Lockford, you guys were turned away at the gates. Luckily, Valis intimidated his way past the guards and you were allowed to get access to the town and sleep for the night. Which brings us to the next morning. How would you, what would you like to do to get started here? Are you just kind of packing up your things, getting ready to leave? - It's just past dawn, so the sun is up, it's kind of cut through the fog a bit. Like it's a lot more habitable outside. - I would imagine once Jodzi is all packed up, she does want to send the letter that she wrote to Una.

That's just something that I meant to do, she meant to do in the last town, but there were so many letters that she forgot about it. So she's just gonna drop that off the post office. - Okay, so okay, here's what we'll do. If you're leaving, then Valis will be leaving with you. Do me a favor, roll a perception. - Okay, that always goes well for Jodzi, yeah? - It does, traditionally, yes. - 12. - That's perceptive. Let's see, let's find Valis' here. Oh yeah, not high, that's right. (laughs) - That thing. - We shouldn't have children, we won't notice shit. - No, seven.

Okay, well, Jesus Christ. The first thing Valis is gonna do when you guys wake up is he's gonna do the big stretch and you kind of hear his back crackle and he makes a big show of waking up in the morning. And then he's gonna immediately start looking around, just to see if anything's amiss or out of place or added to the room. And he's not gonna see anything. And I would imagine that's something Jodzi is gonna do as well. - Yes. - Okay, so no flowers, no letters, no nothing. The night before, Valis-- - She got the hint. Okay, good. (laughs) - She's not interested, it's not gonna work out.

So the night previous, Valis stayed up as late as he physically could, just to make sure that nothing, nothing was maybe following the group or no one was going to sneak into your room. He even went so far as to slide a chair underneath the doorknob of the room's door to make sure that if something were to try to get in, it would make some noise. And whether that worked or not is up for debate, but there's nothing that seems out of place. So if Jadzi is gonna get ready and leave here, Valis is gonna follow her out. Walking past the front desk, you're gonna notice that there isn't anybody, it is early, but there's nobody at the front desk.

There's nobody here to check people in or out. Do me a favor and roll a perception check again. - 10. - Excellent, 21, okay. - Thank you, honey. - As you approach the front door, Valis is going to kind of stop Jadzia, just kind of place one of his big fucking hands on her shoulder, just like, oh, one second. And he's going to, he's gonna look out the, he's gonna kind of glance out the window and he's gonna ask Jadzia to do the same. After a second, he's gonna get a real concerned look on his face and he's gonna kind of like make a head notion, like, come here, look at this.

- Jadzia will come here and look at that. - It would appear as though, and I can't think of another way to say this, it would appear as though the town of Lockford is standing outside. - Good, good, okay. - And it would have, it would also appear as though they are unhappy. This is real pitchforks and torches type of stuff. They have assembled in mobs. They are just kind of standing outside. - Of the inn? - Of the inn. - Looking at us? - They're looking, they are looking at the inn itself. It looks like they're still in the midst of organizing. And then after Jadzia kind of pokes her head out, do me a favor, roll a stealth check.

- Okay, I don't have very good stealth, 25. - Jesus. - On the crit, damn. - Okay. - I am the knight. Or the day, 'cause it's daytime right now and I'm blending in. I am the curtain. - I am the curtain. Oh, geez, I guess I should get Valus to roll one. - No, it's fine, he doesn't have to. - Kinda does, 'cause he's even larger than... - God damn it. Thanks for being perspective, honey, but... - Yeah, so-- - The curtains were brown, you are red. - Didn't work out. - Didn't work. So, Valus is going to be a bit more noticeable. And as he's kind of like looking out behind Jadzia, like he does it and it's not really noticeable, then Jadzia comes over and he kind of like crams in behind Jadzia to continue to look at this.

And you're gonna see some people in the crowd start to point towards the window. You can't hear what they're saying, but they're... You can clearly tell that they're interested in you. - Not gonna get to send my letter, am I? I suppose Jadzia would then pull back, close the blinds, or the curtains or whatever, and go try to find Fia and Kaluna, and also keep an eye out and see if there's anyone else in the inn who maybe isn't angry at us. - Okay. Valus is going to follow pretty much lockstep with Jadzia, like, okay, let's maybe get away from this door.

Let's maybe, let's do that. - You realize this is the second time we've been in a house that's about to be attacked by a group of people? - You guys make friends. - Okay, so we are gonna go find Kaluna and Fia if we can. - Totally not hard to find Kaluna and Fia. They are in their room kind of getting ready. It would appear as though, as you're walking through this inn, you guys are the only people in this place. This place is very quiet, like eerily so, almost. - Good. Well, I guess if the door is just left open, Jadzia will just walk right in and say, we're gonna need to find a back door.

- Why would we need a back door? - I'm going to assume they didn't like the way that we came into the town, where it has spread, and there's a lot of angry looking people outside. - Can I make a stealth check, an obsession check to look outside the window? - You sure can. - Stealth is 27. - Okay, you are unseen. - Perception is 23. - Okay, you see a large gathering of angry people. What it appears as though they're doing now is fanning out a bit, the way the inn is situated, it would be fairly easy to slip out the back door if you can get to the back door and out of it.

It would be pretty easy to slip clean out of town, to be honest, because as previously stated, it's pretty much a waist high wall that guards this place. It wouldn't be too damn hard, but what it looks like they're doing is surrounding this place, and it looks as though a group of people are approaching the front door as you're peering out. - Are these soldiers, or are they just townspeople? - They look like townspeople. These look like, Lockford doesn't appear to have-- - All right, minions, guys, one hit kills. (laughs) - Hey, Aries. - Just joking. (laughs) Hey, Aries, what's up, guys?

What about the people walking up to the front door? Do they look like soldiers of any sort, or just regular people? - Lockford does have town guard. It looks as though they do belong to the town guard. These are not, you guys are used to dealing with the Overwatch. You're used to dealing with regimented soldiers and people who are trained in a real threat. These guys look to be more, well, you can wield a sword. Here you go. Stick to pointy end in something you don't like. That's kind of the extent of their training, which probably lets you know why they've been having such a hard time with werewolves.

- How far away is the mob from the actual building? - It varies. The closest individuals are about 10 feet away from the front door. But there's a fairly large mob of people here. It's kind of like when there's an accident or something. It's just a crowd of people. You get the feeling that there are some people who wouldn't even participate in any violent action. They're just more concerned. - Okay, yeah, so yeah, if he's gonna stop looking in, stop looking out the window and say, okay, well, we've got a couple coming towards the front door what's the plan of action?

Is it just head out the back as quickly and quietly as possible? - If we leave through the back door, are we gonna have to go through the forest to get out of town or would you be able to circle back onto the road and get out of town? - (sighs) Well, here's the problem. While you can escape through the back, you'd be sneaking out of the back of town, which would kind of take you through the silver glade or close to it. You could also try and get out of the back, circle around to the front of town and then make a break for your horses and just try and get out of there.

But that would require stealth checks and generally being sneaky. - I don't see what the townspeople would do to us at this point. Like, we already spent the night here. It's kind of too late. They could be mad about it, but I think we could probably diplomacy our way out of this if we tried. - Sounds good to me. - All right, so I guess we will just be kind of waiting to the side of the door just in case they plan on opening the door and firing something. - Okay, all right. So making your way to the front door, is someone going to open it? 'Cause at this point they have begun to kind of pound at the door.

- See what it'll do. (laughs) Yeah, see what open the door before they get to it. - Can you do that thing where like they go to knock really angry and then they kind of stumble in a little bit because they didn't expect the door to open? - Yep, yep. - I think that should give us a plus one to our diplomacy rules because now they're embarrassed. (laughs) - You mean that event you just manufactured when you ran it completely, yes. - Okay, cool, you said yes. You all heard it? It's recorded. - Yeah, but who edits? So the three guards here at the door are going to be, that's right, okay.

Everyone do me a favor, put their characters right in here, like this general area. - Cool. This is good. This is gonna work out, I'm sure. - We definitely will not become villains here. - This is gonna be our during hollow guys. - What? - Hello. - Apparently there are three fucking dragons outside. - No, no, no, no. There's no. - Oh, okay, angry mom. - Yeah, no. - Oh no, it's just an angry mom, okay, good. - It's okay, it's just an angry mom, guys. - They're labeled angry moms. - Yeah, yeah. - It is better than dragons. - It is better than dragons, guys. So. - I moved it.

- It's okay. - I didn't know I could. - It's all good. - I done exactly the same. - So the lead guard here is going to step forward and very cordially kind of take off his hat. Good morning, we're here to arrest the tiefling. - On what charges? - Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but we've received reports that last night you entered our town illegally after curfew and actually threatened two of our guards at the front gate. - Did this guy really, did those two guards really go crying to their daddy? Like, they wouldn't leave you up. You'd think they would have covered that shit up.

- V is gonna say, I don't know if this is gonna be a bluff or diplomacy, but V is gonna say, the way that I saw it, the tiefling, as you saw, so eloquently put it, made a very valid argument against letting us into the town and the town guards stood aside. - That's gonna be a bluff. - 28. - The guy's gonna just kind of like turn to one of the other guards. Do me a favor, roll a perception check. - Just me or all of us? - All of you. - 22. - 36, oh that's a great. - Okay, all of you are going to notice that in the background, not standing with the three guards, but in the background are the two men that you encountered last night at the front gate of Lockford.

Which again, not a gate so much as an archway. This man is going to say, excuse me one minute. And he's going to go back and he's going to start whispering to the two men that you interacted with last night. And after a few moments, you can see that one of the men from last night is going to point into the inn and it would appear as though he's pointing past V and to Valis. And Valis is just eyeballing these guys the entire time with, if a look could convey you fucking snitch. (laughing) That's pretty much, that's pretty much the look. And after a few moments, the gentleman's going to kind of rejoin the conversation.

From what I hear, the tiefling gentleman threatened to stab one of the men behind me. And they felt threatened enough that they were forced to let you into our town. Is it possible you're misremembering things? - No, I'm not misremembering things. But by the sounds of it, I don't know. By the sounds of it, you have guards which cannot or will not protect this city. I don't think that this is a place where we would like to stay another night. - Good day to you, sir. - I said good day, sir. (laughing) Do me a favor, roll a diplomacy check. - Diplomacy, 26. - Okay.

- Sexy diplomacy. - This man is going to lean in and kind of whisper to V. You understand that this puts me in a very delicate position. We've had numerous problems with local wildlife, let's say. And part of that comes from letting in strangers after nightfall. Now, the fact that you may or may not have bullied your way into our town has caused, and then he's going to kind of glance backward. It's caused a lot of us to be on edge. If this happens once, it can happen again. And to be honest, it doesn't look like we have a lot of control over the situation when things like this happen, do you understand?

- I understand that you are failing as town guards. You are unable to keep the peace with the general populace and you are unable to deal with matters pertaining to the city without mobs arising. - With all due respect, you have no idea what we've been through here. - You have no idea what we have been through and what we are doing, where we are going, or why. - To be quite honest, that's none of our business. - It might be soon. Have you heard any large commotion coming from Esterholtway? Do you know anything of the events that are happening over there?

Because that is where we have come from and we are on a very important journey to gain a power which will hopefully destroy the dragon Strahd. Now if we fail in this, your little town with your wall that can be stepped over by halflings will be decimated. I think us bullying our way into the town is hardly an event to be brought to. - To be glorified. - Do me a favor, roll a diplomacy. - 28. - Say it, Fe. Say it, Kat, say it. - Almost a crit. - This guy's gonna take a step back and kind of look over your party. All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. You let us arrest the tiefling.

We'll take him in for questioning. I doubt that any harm will come to him, but we have to show some authority in the situation. The rest of your party can go about your business. If you have that, if what you're doing is as important as what you say it is, then we wish you all the luck, but we have our own problems here. And to be honest, this isn't helping us. And he's still kind of whispering, still kind of trying to keep this as quiet as possible. - You can hear the murmurings from the crowd outside. The longer this goes on, the more impatient they're getting.

- Jason, really quick. Can I do a history check to see what the laws are like in this area? Like if we'd have to pay a fine or blah, blah, blah. Wow, critmas. Well, shit, it's still 14, but it's a critmas. So I don't know what I get. - Jatzia's knowledge of the lay of the land law-wise is a little spotty. Traditionally in small towns like Lockford, what would happen is if you violate the law in some way, usually if it's a petty crime or something, there's a fine, you might be arrested. If it's like you get drunk, they'll throw you in a cell overnight and then let you go in the morning.

It's real small town stuff. The problem is Lockford's a special case because things are so life and death there on a daily basis that the laws become a lot more stringent, especially with things pertaining to the curfew. Members of town who have, she would have heard stories of members of town who have snuck out after violating something like a curfew. If it's in effect, those members would not be allowed back in town at least until daybreak. And then they'd be suspect to questioning and they'd be searched thoroughly to make sure they weren't bitten.

There's a lot of things like that. Now, in this particular case, you're not exactly sure what they do to Valis if they took him away. - Okay, V is gonna say, "The T Flint in our party has not had the best experiences with the law, regardless of being on the correct side. Come in and we will talk and maybe we can formulate something that will be beneficial for all of us. But I don't think taking him in for question, he would go quietly, regardless." - Well, that would be why there's three of us. - Yeah, V is gonna look around the crowd again and say, "Okay, well, we can discuss this further inside." And he's just gonna turn around and walk inside.

- Do me a favor, roll diplomacy. - 22. - I'm really afraid time is of the essence here. I wish I could sit down with you folks and try and hash this out. But as you can see, I'm dealing with a very sensitive. I'm afraid we're just gonna have to take him in. You can come back. - He won't go quietly. If you just take him in, he will try to stab you and he'll probably succeed. - Again? - I assure you, talking this over is the most sensible thing you can do. - You know, that sounds a lot like a threat. - I'm not threatening you. I'm just stating facts. I know this Tieflin, you do not.

I'm just saying I know what his nature is like. And if you try to detain him for any reason, I would not be surprised if he resisted. And I do not want him resisting. And I do not want to cause any more commotion, especially one that will delay us. Now, if you come in and we can talk like civilized people, then maybe we can come to an arrangement and no one will get hurt and everyone will be happy. - Here's what we're gonna do. So the mob's outside. The mob outside is getting pretty restless. So what we're gonna do is roll a saving throw. If the saving throw is successful, then the mob is going to appear to be calm enough that these people can come in and kind of talk with you.

If it isn't successful, then they're going to start getting rowdy and it's gonna force this guy's hand and he's going to try and arrest Valus. So everyone cross your fingers. Okay. So it appears as though this crowd isn't particularly violent right now. They appear as though they're calm enough that a few minutes can be taken aside and try to hash this out without there being any bloodshed. So these guards are gonna kind of walk in and they're going to shut the door, but before he shuts the door, he's gonna kind of signal to the crowd, just kind of give them that one minute.

We're just gonna give us one minute. And that does kind of raise the ire of these people. You can hear it's like, that kind of, not quite the South Park, Ravel, Ravel, Ravel, not quite that, but just they're getting, they're getting a bit nervous about this. This should have been taken care of instantly and it's not. So these gentlemen are gonna walk in and the person in charge is going to extend his hand to Fae. Dennis, the captain of guard around here. - My name is Fae. We're traveling to Brightport on very important business. - He's going to look over to Valis and he is going to walk right up to him.

- Jodzia will put herself between Valis and the soldier. Even though Jodzia is five foot five. - Can Fae put his hand on the soldiers shoulder? - Just like a, whoa, whoa, hold on. - Just like, right, yeah. Yeah, he's gonna stop and kind of get the idea that's like, okay, Valis the entire time is just, he's just kind of leering at him and he's not reaching for a weapon or anything, but he's visibly tensing up. And Dennis is gonna look, he's gonna look to Fae, just kind of look down at his hand like, okay, so is that true? If we try to arrest you, you're gonna resist?

Valis is not gonna say a fucking word other than a slight growl, like just a slight, like it's just barely audible. Jodzia would probably be the only one to hear it. And Dennis is going to stop looking, stop making eye contact with Valis and then kind of like train his head down and look into Jodzia's eyes. - If he's so unpredictably violent, why exactly is he traveling with your party? - I would fight back if someone tried to arrest me too. Unfairly. Should I roll for that or is that just a thing I said? - It could just be a thing you said, like it's not really.

- She's just gonna lay it down, like you shouldn't have closed your doors in the first place. - All we're trying to do is protect our own. I understand if you think that it's unfair and we're not barring people from entering the city during the day, we're not trying to stop people from leaving. All we wanna do is minimize the amount of strangers that come through our town at night, that's it. I think that's pretty reasonable under our current circumstances. - Jodzia's just gonna shake her head and she's gonna say, "It's your job to protect your people and I understand, but we did nothing wrong and you were ready to throw us to those wolves.

He did what he had to to keep our group safe and your guards were the ones who were too chicken to deal with him. You should be yelling at them, not arresting him." Diplomacy? - Yeah, go with diplomacy on that one. - Nice. God damn it, diplomacy sucks balls. - Ma'am, have you ever fought a werewolf before? - He has. - Then he should know how dangerous they are and he should know that if you have an opportunity to minimize any conflict with them, then you take that opportunity. Again, I apologize to you and your group if that seems cruel but if you lived here, you'd understand.

- Kaluna will pipe up and say, "We live where they live." - Dennis is going to almost, it would appear so for the first time like, "Oh God, tree person." Like he's just kind of like, "Oh shit, okay." 'Cause the tiefling is the thing that kind of draws the eye. And where exactly do you come from? - The Glade. - So you should know better than anybody what we're talking about here. - Kaluna will just shrug. - Look, the bottom line is he broke the law. You all did. The only reports of potential violence we were getting is from him. We're letting the rest of you go.

And again, I think that's insanely generous considering we could arrest every one of you. Just let us take him into custody and that'll be the end of it. - No, I will pay his bail but you are not taking him. - Dennis is going to look exasperated like, "Jesus Christ." Just like he really didn't think that this was gonna be such an issue. Let's see here. - Okay. Do me a favor and roll a diplomacy check for that. - 16? It's better than my nine. - 16 is better than nine. That is absolutely correct. - I figured it out. - Guys, I cracked the code. You know, you are making my morning really difficult.

I have enough to do around here without dealing with this. You understand that if I let you all walk, I can't guarantee that the people outside aren't going to want some sort of retribution. - We've done nothing to them. - You've endangered them. Whether you want to admit it or not, we have no idea whether any one of you could have been bitten. We have no, it's happened before. - We have done nothing to them though. I don't care if someone has come in before and deceived you. We came because we did not want to be eaten by werewolves outside of your doors.

We did not hurt anyone here. And now you've riled up your town. It almost feels like your town craves bloodlust. First you sacrifice travelers in the night, and now you gather outside the inn and attempt to attack us with your mobs. We, you said that you don't keep people from leaving. We are going to leave. Roll a diplomacy. - Why do you keep making me do this, man? Why are you, 12? Still better than a nine. Got my calculator. - Guys, I've run some numbers. At the sacrifice towns, it's like, okay, hold on. We can't be responsible for travelers. We can't be responsible for everyone who lives outside of our town.

It's well within our right to bar people from entry after nightfall. That's well within our right. If something unfortunate happens to them, that is truly regrettable. We actually just found a campsite not far from here where apparently something awful happened, but we can't be responsible for everyone who lives outside of our town, as well as people who live within it. My first responsibility is to those people outside. - The ones with the pitchforks. It must be nice to tell yourself you're not responsible for those deaths, but when you bar someone from being somewhere safe, just so you can feel safe yourself, those deaths are on your hands.

- Do me a favor, roll diplomacy. - 26, crick, crick, crick, crick. Yay. - Dennis is exasperated by all of this. He's just so frustrated. He's doing a lot of the rubbing your chin type of thing, just like, oh my God. Are you all packed up and ready to leave? - I know Valis and Jodzia are, 'cause we packed before we were gonna go send that letter. I'm not sure about. - So as he says this, he's kind of panning around the room. Just are you people ready to just get the hell out of here? - Yes, Ria. - Yeah. - I wanted a nice breakfast, but just wanted to send a letter, go to Denny's.

Go to Denny's. - Get the little clown pancakes and be on my way. - Jetty struck me as a moons over my hammy type of gal. Okay, it's okay. - Ham for breakfast is an abomination. - That's true, that's a good point. That's Canadian breakfast, that must be tolerated. All right, here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna escort you directly to our front gate, and you are going to leave, and I'm going to try to keep these people from tearing you apart. I would take this as a lesson that you should respect the law in every town you go to. Even if you think it's not in your best interest, there's a reason these things are in place.

Is that understood? - Jodzia will just nod. - Go ahead and gather your things. I'm gonna escort you out. And he is going to open the front door and just start to kind of call the people. It's like, okay, let's all back up, let's all back up. He is going to escort the, he is going to start to escort you guys to the front of town here. Let's see something. Okay, nevermind. That was, okay. This mob is going to be calm enough to let you kind of go through, but it is, they're uncomfortably close. This is, if this were to turn ugly, there are enough people here that you could get trampled.

- Pretty populated town considering all the death. - Well, I mean, it's enough people to-- - You're in tornado alley. Your house has wheels, move. - So I'm guessing you're just gonna get to your horses and leave unless there's something you want to do before you leave. - I still want to send my letter. Can I give the letter to the town guard and be like, could you send this for me? Give him a few coins for his trouble. - Sure, you can do that. - Cool, I'll give him 48 coins. - Jesus Christ, to send a letter? - Well, we caused him quite a bit of trouble. - Okay.

- Plus it'll make my mouth even. There, 8,000. 48 gold to send a letter is a fuckload. That's that, so like, yeah. He's just gonna kind of nod and just like more of a, all right, just please leave. Please leave now. And the party is going to mount up and ride down the road. - Yay, team effort. - I had a plan for if that started to go any worse, but I don't really want to be trying to do this. - Yeah, I was good without that. - Guys, I have my gigantic AOE. We would have been fine. - I was thinking, like, it was like, once we get them in, then we can run out the back door and maybe the mob will be stupid enough to go in through the front and they're big and like, they won't make it.

We can just light the end on fire. Pretend it was group one. - Well, my thought was for Fi to take Valus into a separate room and then Fi turn into Valus. And then- - Oh, God. - So that would have been fun. - Yeah. - That would have been really fun to act out, actually. I kind of wish it hadn't gone as well as it did, but I did get a crit on a diplomacy. Just unheard of. - I will clear that initiative tracker, all right. - Yeah, that was a douche move when they've been there. Before the scene even started, you were like, "Well, this is clearly gonna go badly." - I was just preparing in case, guys, that's it.

I like to be prepared. Nothing to do with my life. It's not like I had lack of faith in your ability to solve things diplomatically. - That almost sounds like sarcasm. - What? No. (laughs) Okay. Traveling, God, traveling down the road. You are currently making your way to Whiteheadge. So, hours away from Lockford, I would say this puts you around noon. Around noon, I would say. Do me a favor, everyone roll, I almost said initiative. Do me a favor, everyone roll Perception. - 26. - 22. - 16. - 21, okay. The party is traveling through an area called The Moors, which those of you in the know will, it has another name.

It is the home of the unicorns. This is a gorgeous field, which stretches out quite a ways, populated by tons and tons of unicorns. They just kind of fill this valley, you can kind of see them blink in and out of existence, kind of popping further around the field and grazing and just kind of existing here. They don't appear to be paying you any mind whatsoever. It's more or less just kind of riding through and enjoying the sight of it. It's this hugely majestic thing. It's really quite a sight for those of, it's almost a destination in terms of the scenic view.

If people are in the area, they'll kind of come from miles around just to kind of see these unicorns and some have tried to tame them. Having a unicorn mount is something of, something of a bit of bragging rights, but few have ever actually done it. They're pretty willful creatures. - Guys, I have a nature of plus 18, I'm just saying. - Oh, none of us are elves, so I feel like we should be fine. - My concern is that if I got a unicorn, we would go somewhere and then it would kill an elf and we would get in trouble. - Rude. - Would you like to try and tame a unicorn?

- Can I befriend a unicorn? - Is the purpose to ride it afterwards? - I feel like it's too big a risk to ride it afterwards. Again, the whole concern about elves. - Right, you just wanna be buddies with a unicorn? - I just want the bragging rights of being friends with a unicorn. - Okay, well then how's about the party approach this field and we'll put some unicorns on the map. - I don't like it when we put things that are usually enemies on the map. - I feel like I've been lured into a trap. - What, no. - I feel like maybe Jadzia would just watch this happen and Kaluna could go that way and Jadzia could stay over the other way.

Just to see what happens. - So let's say the party's kind of taking a break and enjoying the site and kind of stretching their legs and Kaluna starts to approach this field. - Don't run too far. Stay where we can see you. - I won't. - You're like, come on, you come straight home, all right? - Okay. - Let's maybe put Kaluna in this general vicinity here. So how would you like to try and quote unquote befriend one of these? - Why are you saying it quote unquote? - Well, that was the word you used. - I didn't think this through. How do I befriend a horse? (laughing) I didn't think this through guys.

- You could try and just like step forward and pet it maybe. - Yeah, let's do that. Let's try and pet one. - So as Kaluna approaches this unicorn. - Can I specify how I'm approaching? I wanna be very specific. - Sure. - Gonna make sure unicorn can see me very clearly, not going to go anywhere near the back end of the unicorn. - I'm just gonna make sure that it knows I'm there. - Okay. - I don't wanna scare it and have it go at me or something. - Okay. So Kaluna is gonna very, very, very cautiously approach the unicorn very respectfully. And then I would imagine Kaluna's got their hand raised, just gonna like maybe stroke the side of it, something like that.

- Yep. - Do me a favor, roll a nature check. - 28. - 28, okay. This unicorn doesn't even flinch, not even a flinch. It just kind of gives like, like one of those. And for a second Kaluna stops just to see like, okay, is that a bad or not? Okay. And this unicorn is just gonna kind of go with it. Like it totally, totally fine. It appears though this unicorn does not mind Kaluna's presence one bit. - Yes. Guys, I'm friends with a unicorn. - Now it's totally up to you if you'd like to try and ride it or anything, it's totally up to you. Or I mean, you could just, you know, high fives, fist bumps, and then leave.

It's totally up to you. - I wish I had a thing to communicate with animals. Just to be like, hey, would you be cool with this? - Without becoming handy with the dragon, huh? - Oh, I don't really, I didn't think about that. I was concerned about unicorns. Guys, I like pretty ponies. - Friendship is magic. - True. Does the unicorn count as a spirit? - No, it has spirit. - Damn it. Does it have teen spirit? - Oh yes, it does. - Does it smell like it? - I love references. - I kind of want to try and ride it, but I also don't want to make it mad. Can I do it in such a way that it's very clear what I'm trying to do so it can get mad at me before I like get on it?

Okay, I want to do that. - Okay. - So do me a favor and roll a nature check again. - Please your god, 32. - Again, Kalim's gonna kind of sidle up next to, like it's like, okay, petting went well. Let's see if I could just kind of sidle up next to it. Very kind of not sneaking, but just approaching so slowly that if this unicorn did suddenly get pissed off or it's like, okay, I got plenty of time, I'll back off. Like that kind of slowly. This unicorn doesn't appear to be bothered by this at all. - Holy shit. - Not even a little bit. As a matter of fact, Kaluna's kind of picking up a vibe that like the unicorn kind of digs Kaluna.

- Oh my god, guys. - So is Kaluna kind of jump on here? - Yes. - Okay, Kaluna has mounted a unicorn. So this unicorn's kind of gonna rear back and then just kind of blink forward. Like Kaluna's going to disappear for just a moment. And then about 30 feet away, this unicorn is going to dart back into existence and then just start kind of like galloping around on the road. And then it's gonna kind of stop and Kaluna, you are free to ride this unicorn as your mount, if you like. - Oh my god. (laughs) Oh my god. I wanna keep the unicorn. I wanna keep the unicorn forever.

- Okay. I'm guessing you're just taking your other horse in tow, just kind of... - Yeah, I wouldn't leave Freckles behind. - Okay, fair enough. - That is the worst name. I'm so sorry, horse. - So I guess you guys are gonna continue on to White Hedge? - I need to name this unicorn first. - Okay. - Guys, any suggestions for unicorn names? - Stop me. - Stop me. - How about Grand Wizard? - Oh my god. Oh my god, guys. I'm gonna make a callback to my childhood. This unicorn is going to be called Persnickety the Unicorn. - Any particular reason? - Yes. Back in... Which game was it?

I believe it was Elder Scrolls Oblivion. You could mount a unicorn and he was an asshole. And hopefully this unicorn does not follow in his footsteps. So my brother and I named him Persnickety. So Persnickety the Unicorn. - Okay. Let's see here, riding on. - Oh shit, can I collect flowers first? - Sure. - Okay. It's very important. - Okay. - There would be flowers in this field with the unicorns. - Okay. - Okay, so... Okay. I like how time is of the essence, but there's totally time for unicorn taming and flower collecting, guys. - They're very important to Kaluna, guys.

- But Kaluna's reasoning for watching a man die was we're too busy. (laughing) Just reminding everyone. - Well, we were taking a break anyway. (laughing) Hours later, you guys are gonna arrive in the town of White Hedge. Are you riding through or would you like to take a break? - What time is it? - This would be, you're heading into like the 6 p.m. Like 5, 6 p.m., somewhere in there. So you still have a couple of hours of daylight left. - Do we wanna make a history notes check to see what the roads are like between White Hedge and Brightport? - You sure can.

- Can we all do that? - Yeah, I don't see why not. - Yay! - 32. - 30. - 10. - You rolled a nature, Kaluna. - Well, I know. I did that on purpose. My history is plus eight. - Oh, all right. We could do history or nature. - Yeah, history and nature in this case. - Just kidding, sorry. I wasn't listening to you pay attention to what Jason says. - No, no one does. The road between Brightport and White Hedge. The closer you get to Brightport, the more you're gonna have to deal with things like bandits. Now, bandits, they're not too difficult because what they tend to do is find caravans with not so well guarded clutches of valuables and they try to pick off the easiest targets.

Three or four lone adventurers not carrying all that much, probably you're not gonna raise the ire of bandits. Unfortunately, what you may raise the ire of are gnolls, which are actually much closer to White Hedge. And Valus would be the first one to tell you that this area has a thick fucking gnoll problem. They're lousy with gnolls here. On the back edges of the field where you had left ours previous with the unicorn, that's where the gnolls begin and they stretch well into, like if that entire field back towards the road, they stretch well into the forest known as Bandits Rest.

You can guess what's in Bandits Rest, by the way. So that's something you're gonna wanna keep an eye on, but as long as you stick to the road for the most part, you shouldn't have too much of a problem. - How long would it take to get to Brightport? - Oh, you'll be riding all night. - Do we wanna rest up for the night? - Gnolls are cunts. - This is true. - I don't see why we shouldn't spend the night. I know we're in a hurry, but we also need to get there alive. - That is important. - So let's do this. You guys are riding into town here in White Hedge and I would imagine your, the unicorn's gonna be a problem, I'm gonna be honest.

White Hedge has a diverse little community and there are a few elves that live here. So riding into town, Kaluna's gonna get the sense from Prusnica to hear that it is upset that something, something is getting under this unicorn's skin. It's just kind of just, it's shaking its head a bit and yeah, just, you're getting the general sense that it's pissed off. - I just remembered the full title of Prusnicity. He was Prusnicity the evil unicorn. I feel like it fits here. Can I roll a nature check to calm him down? - You sure can. - Please don't murder the elves. 22.

- So across the street here. - Oh no. - There's going to be an elf carrying, looks to be like a sack of flour to a nearby bakery and Prusnicity is going to catch sight of this elf and it is going to start to charge at the elf. - Prusnicity no. - So the unicorn's going to lower its head and start to dart towards this elf. The elf is going to catch sight of this unicorn charging and dump the bag of flour and start running down an alley. Do me a favor and roll another nature check to see if you can stop. - God damn it Prusnicity, I knew I shouldn't, god damn it.

- The rest of the party is going to notice a Kalina break off from the group and apparently start to race down a nearby alley with her new unicorn friend for no apparent reason. And this elf is going to start to scream and just panic and just try and get anybody's attention. No, no, no, just screaming. Let's see here, let's roll an attack versus. - God damn it. - I hate you Prusnicity you asshole. (laughing) - God. - Oh my god. - Why? Almost a crit. - Almost a crit. - And now that's a 60, 10 damage. - The elf is dead guys, you murdered an elf. - Guys, guys, I'm a healer, it's okay.

- Can you resurrect? - I can. - Prusnicity is going to teleport. - God damn it Prusnicity. - Into the elf and make it explode. - This elf has run down an alleyway and there is this wooden fence at the end of it. And the elf is going to race to the end of it, leap up and grab the top of the fence and start to climb up. And Prusnicity is going to pop back into existence and jam his horn into the lower back of this elf. - Oh no. - When you say lower back. - Not ass. - Okay, just checking. - Specifically said lower back. - Well, that's what people call a butt whenever they get hurt there.

- Okay. - I got injured on my lower back. - Oh, you mean butt. - At what point can we join here? - Oh, jump in, have at it. - I'm just trying to find things to help this poor elf. - Yeah, all of my shit hurts. - I know. - Like yeah, I could definitely put a big spike through one of the horse's legs, but probably wouldn't even immobilize it. 'Cause I bet unicorns are impervious to mobilization. Something about that blinking thing. - Teleportation should deal with that. - Yeah, exactly. Can history check the fuck out of that unicorn, guys? I could also lie to it.

I'm really good with bluffing. - Would a history check tell us why unicorns hate elves and maybe we could rationalize? - Could. A good enough history check. - Okay, holy shit, really? - Yeah. - There's a spell I have that'll make the elf float in the air. - Think that'll help. - Five feet off the ground. I feel like the unicorn wouldn't be able to reach it. It also deals damage. - I feel like he's on top of a fence right now. So there'll be five feet from that spot. Should put him like 12 feet in the air. - Well, it's five feet off the ground, not five feet from where he'd climbed.

- Well, that's dumb 'cause he's already like five feet off the ground. I would just be operating in place. - Yes, so. - So that won't work is what we're agreeing on right now. - Yes, we both agree that that's not a solution to this particular problem. - Okay guys, I'll be real here. I don't have anything that'll help. - I could steal from the unicorn. - Unless you want me to stop the unicorn or hide from the unicorn. - Alice has the Kettenhund, that's the best he's got. - The best I can do is like use dailies on this elf dude. - We are about to go to sleep.

So make sure he doesn't die. Can someone try to intimidate this unicorn? - Um. - Do you want him to back off? - Would you say this elf is bloodied? - Oh yes. Um, I could use blessing of the iron tree on him. - Okay. - One bloodied ally in the burst, target gains resist five to all damage. I don't know if that'll do much. - Can I just remind everyone that the reason that Una was a really, really, really good interrogator was the fact that she would heal people after hurting them. (laughing) Essentially like, what is doing? - At least I'm not doing it on purpose.

- That's true. Wait, I think I have a power that'll drag the horse back. Can I try diabolic grasp? - Sure can. - Do I just pick a random unicorn or are they all the same? - Pick a random unicorn. - Okay, here we go. Bam, I missed. - Okay, so let's paint a scene. - With the elves blood. The group rides into town and instantly, Persnickety catches sight of an elf. And instantly, Kaluna loses control of Persnickety. They chase this elf down an alley. The elf is screaming bloody murder for anyone to help and stop this atrocity from happening because all elves grow up with the knowledge that unicorns fucking hate them.

And he tries to climb this fence and Persnickety runs his horn through his lower back. This elf is going to wail and lose his grip and slide into the alley. Jadzia's gonna break off from the main street, travel down this alleyway and try to use diabolic grasp against Persnickety to try and drag this unicorn away from this poor elf and that is going to fail. - Is there space between Persnickety and the elf now that he's fallen? - Yes. - Okay. - There'd be like a five foot gap. - I wanna summon pig between Persnickety and this poor elf. - Okay. - Just a sort of, you know, a block of some sort.

- Okay. - And then I wanna use, I don't know which one of these I wanna use, I feel so bad for this elf. - Let's put Panther in the mix guys, it's really gonna help out. - He's a body block, I don't know. I'll use healing spirit. Yeah, I'll use healing spirit on this elf. The target can spend a healing surge, if they do so then that doesn't matter. And he can get a bonus, no that's not a bonus, that's just the other person. He can spend a healing surge. - Okay, so Kaluna is going to heal this elf just after this elf was stabbed by Kaluna's unicorn. This is going to confuse this elf greatly.

He is panicked and just lying on the ground, he is no longer bloodied so he's not bleeding all over the place but he's still in a bit of pain and just traumatized. Would anyone else from the party like to try to do anything with this unicorn? To restrain it or kill it? - I like the idea that Valus is just watching. - It's more like he'll follow Jetsuya into this. Okay, so Valus is going to follow Jetsuya into the alleyway and he's going to pull out the Kettenhand and then just kind of look at Jetsuya like. - Just intimidate the unicorn. - What do I do?

What do you want me to do here? - Kaluna, you've had this unicorn for like three seconds, Laurie tried to murder a dude. - You know, I thought this would happen but I got lured in. - You got the unicorn anyway. - I got lured in by the fact that it can teleport and it'll take me with it, that sounds really cool. It seems like it would be useful at some point. - I like that that's the defense, in my defense guys. - I knew it was gonna try to murder things and decided that it was too cool. - It can bamf, I'm just saying. - God damn it, person niggity. - Okay, all right, I have demonic possession.

If I can get Sheldon to stand next to the unicorn. - It should be noted that this little demon is always at Jetsuya's side. Unless she's asleep and dismisses it. And Valus fucking hates it, hates it. So he's gonna kind of have the kittenhood at the ready just looking at Jetsuya, like, you want me to break his neck? - That's how he's gonna do the one up, like one second finger, like, wait, maybe. - So Sheldon is going to scamper on over to this horned monstrosity. And just the entire time, every time Sheldon moves, it kind of lets loose a series of grunts and just kind of that all the time.

It's constantly, whenever it's in motion, it's making little gurgling noises and grunts and kind of sounds like a pervert, just constantly. And it's going to sidle up next to this unicorn. - Okay, all right, I'm gonna roll the attack now. - Okay. - Hit! - That'll hit the unicorn. - Okay, this does not do damage. What it does do is I slide the target up to the number of squares equal to its speed. The target then makes a melee basic attack as a free action against creature you choose. The target has combat advantage for the target, target and a plus four power bonus to the damage roll.

If the attack misses, the attacker stays until the end of the next turn. - Can it attack itself? - Can it attack itself? - The wording of the power, the word of the power, the wording of the power, I'd say no, because- - A creature. - Hold up, Kaluna is a creature. Can he attack Kaluna? - Oh, absolutely. - Well. - Ha ha! - You're gonna get your ass kicked though, 'cause it has combat advantage and a plus four bonus. - You know what, it'll be fine. - Okay. - You kind of deserve it. - I do. - I just gotta say with the way that the pieces are, I like how Kaluna is clearly riding the horse.

- Yeah, yeah it is, yeah. Here's what's gonna happen. So Kaluna is going to be dragged with Prisnicity against the wall. Prisnicity is going to be slammed into the wall. It's gonna do a little bit of damage to Prisnicity. Hi, Sobey. - Sobey, thank you so much. - This is gonna do a little bit of damage to Prisnicity. Prisnicity is then going to bound up into the air and Kaluna is going to fall off the back. - Oh, no. - And then Prisnicity is going to kick. - Oh. - Backward against Kaluna, so let's see if this hits. - Okay. - That'll hit. - Yay. - So it had combat advantage, but the plus four was damaged, do.

- Okay. - Shit. - 18 damage. - That's not too, too bad. - No. I would say you're gonna fight a unicorn, guys. - No, hold up. - She can re-nature check it, right? As long as we get the elf out of here, right? Right? - Well, I would say the elf is busy trying to climb the fucking fence again. Like the second he's seeing where the, you don't have control over this thing, clearly. So this elf would be, let's see if the elf would, okay, so the elf has climbed over this fence now and is out of sight. - Okay. - All right, so we just have to reclaim this pony. Get it out of town, Kaluza.

- Yeah, I was thinking maybe just like lock him up in the barn and just have Kaluza sit outside of the barn and make sure no elves come to visit for their horses. No, no, you can't come in. There's a unicorn in there. - So we're keeping the unicorn. - I'm going to try my damnedest to keep the unicorn. - Okay. I can understand the want and need of keeping a unicorn. Guys, if you had seen my face, whenever, if you'd seen my face, you would understand. - I'm just too busy picturing that poor elf's face when the unicorn's horn went into his butt. - I did heal him though.

- Yes, you also scared the shit out of him. - I didn't do anything, that was all persnickety. - To this guy, this poor elf, he's just going about his daily business and you just rode him down in the middle of town. - I imagine the facial expression would have clearly said, oh fuck, why unicorn, why? Please stop. - Do me a favor, roll an agent check please, Kaluna. - Please, dear God. 22. - This unicorn is going to again, kick back towards Kaluna. - Why are you so mean to me persnickety? - I thought what we had was special. - God damn, unicorns hit hard. - That's 20 damage to Kaluna.

- Shit. - Here's a question, can we knock out the unicorn and not kill you? - Yes. - The unicorn's gonna kill you. - No, I refuse to believe. - This unicorn is going to get ready and start to advance towards this fence again. Valus is just gonna start swinging the fucking kettanhan, this is ridiculous at this point. - He's saying this is fucking stupid, let's stop. 'Cause a crowd is starting to gather behind you in this alley. - Oh, thanks. - Oh no. - Take him out old yeller style. - Oh man. - Well. - The kettanhan is going to fly down this alley and snap down on the pace of this fucking horse's neck and break it.

- Wow, that was quick. Is the horse dead already? - The momentum from the horse charging at the fence is going to carry it a bit further and Valus is going to pull back on this chain just in time to have the, to have Persnickety's limp body slide into the wooden fence, but not break through it. - Can we review things that have happened to Kaluna in the past few days? Kaluna got stabbed brutally, which, you know, to be fair, they brought that upon themselves. They lost. - It would be debated that they brought this upon themselves too. - I'm not saying they didn't.

Let me go through the list, Jason. Let me go through the list. Brutally stabbed, lost their best friend and only companion for at least a month. And now they befriended this unicorn and it was a magical time. And then not only did the unicorn turn against them, now it's been brutally killed right in front of them. Kaluna is not having a great week, guys. - Again, a crowd. - A crowd has started to gather behind everyone here. And what they see, what they see is a small group of adventurers with a large tiefling holding a chain attached to a bear trap snapped around a unicorn's neck in an alley in their town.

All of this is highly unusual. Valus is going to start to step towards the unicorn and collect the kitten hunt 'cause he's not dragging this body back to him. Usually the protocol is to drag the thing that he just snapped it to back to him and kind of reset the trap and whatever, but that's not happening. Jesus. Valus has kind of approached Jadzia. I think we may be in a bit of trouble here. - I'm sorry, my dog just freaked out and I didn't hear most of that. - Oh, no problem. (laughs) So I know we're in trouble here, but I don't know why. - Well, because of the assault.

- Oh, the dead unicorn, right. - Well, I mean, the dead unicorn's a tragedy and all, but it's more the elf who was assaulted in an alley just for no reason. - Yeah, that's also a problem. Can we just go anywhere and not get arrested? - No, probably not. - This is why we can't take anyone anywhere nice. - This is why we can't have nice things. - Okay. So, what do we do, guys? Do we just leave? - Can unicorn bits and pieces be used for anything useful? - I want the horn. - No, it's mine, shut up. - This was my unicorn, dammit. - Believe it or not, this is awful.

There is a blood magic ritual that does require a unicorn's horn. There's also a lovely stew that can be made from certain portions of the unicorn, at least if you believe dwarves. Other than that, there's not too, you're not gonna get too terribly much. There are people who collect unicorn mane. Wolves have been known to kill unicorns from here and there. Just from, yeah, but. Yeah, there's not too much use you're gonna get out of this. This is a-- - I mean, I don't, Keluna wouldn't just leave it there. I mean, it's dead. So, obviously, that's that. But Keluna is of the waste not want not sort of way of thought, but I feel like it would take a long time to butcher a unicorn.

- It would take a while, yeah. - Maybe just grab the horn and say a few words. - Okay. Valus is going to be prompting the party to let's get the fuck out of here. He's looking around for town guards and it doesn't appear as though they're here yet, but that doesn't mean that they're not coming. Whitehenge is a small town and you could probably fight your way out of town if you needed to. - I really don't want to. - Right. - Grab the horn and I guess, I don't know if my bags would be on the unicorn. Would they be on the other horse? Let's say they're on the other horse.

Just grab the horn and run. - Okay. - Do we want to leave this body here just as it is? Or do you want Fi to set light to it? - To what to it? - Fi can set light to things. - I don't want to burn it. - Well. - You must set your dead pony on fire. - If he's going to do it, like what am I going to do to stop it? - Well, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's a, do we just want to leave a corpse in the body? A corpse in an alley? - I mean, it's got what looks like probably like a hole in its head. - This is very clearly a unicorn guys. This isn't going to be confused for a horse.

- Yeah. I don't think it needs to be disposed of. We can just, you know, run. - Fair enough. It's fine. - Okay. The party is going to mount up again and everyone do me a favor. Roll, good Lord. Hold on a second. Let's have it be, yeah. Roll to get the fuck out of here, basically. Everyone do me a favor, roll an athletics check to see how quickly you guys get to your horses. - God. - Oh, um, six. - Oh God. - Critmas. - I got 10. - You know, Kaluna is still mourning over the loss of her recently acquired friend. - Oh, my God. Okay. Here's what's going to happen. - Bye, Fee.

- The town guard is going to arrive. Fee is going to mount up and be ready. It's like, come on guys. Let's go. Come on. Yeah, come on. Let's go. Let's go. Like he's ready. And you guys are like, well, hold on. I got to tie my shoe. Hold on. - I've got to wipe the tears out of my eye. Don't worry. - So by the time you get mounted up and you're ready to go, the town guard has arrived. They do look confused by the situation. You got random passersby telling them it's like that tree person just rode in to town on a unicorn. They attacked Billford. They just attacked him.

- Billford. - They just. - I'd like to formally apologize to Billford. - So this is a problem for them. They're just confused. And just, you guys have the option right now to just ride off if you like. - Damn it, Kaluna. - I mean, if you guys want to stay the night, Kaluna will absolutely own up to it. I mean. - I think it would probably be better to own up to it. I just say, look, we're really sorry. - We didn't know the unicorn. - Yeah. - Unicorns, am I right? Am I right? What's up with unicorns? - It's up to you guys. Kind of up to Kaluna. - God. Oh God. Kaluna will sort of get back off of the horse and walk up to the guards.

And how do I wear this diplomatically? Wait, shit, I shouldn't have said that word. Kaluna will apologize for their unicorn trying to murder someone. - This guard. Okay, first of all, you're a wild one in town, which is super duper, duper rare. Riding a unicorn, ultra rare. (laughs) - For seemingly no purpose. Have you ever seen a unicorn in a town before? - No. - Do you know why? - Now I do, or now we do. - What were you thinking? No one in your group knew that that was a potentially dangerous thing to do? (laughs) - I'm still mourning. Mac the person cannot get over this loss.

Fuck. Kaluna will sort of very, just sort of look at the ground and sort of kick at the dirt. Like I fucked up. And they'll say, he was very responsive before. - Do me a favor, roll a diplomacy check, please. - Does anyone want to assist? - Totally an option, Valsill assist. - My diplomacy of plus four. - He will assist. - All right, everyone who's gonna assist, roll a d20. - 16. - If you have training in it. Okay, I was about to say, if you have training in it, add a plus two, but yeah, don't worry about it. - Then 18. - Okay, you're good, yeah. Even fucking Vals is assisting.

So the party kind of surrounds Kaluna is just kind of- - Can we all do like kind of like puppy eyes? - That's what I was gonna say. - Look at this poor baby. - Oh, geez. - She just lost. - This tree person just lost? - Yeah. - They just lost their tat. - Go ahead and roll Kaluna. So let's see. Okay, the guard's gonna kind of not, he's gonna kind of loosen up a bit and then inspect the body of this unicorn. This majestic creature has had its neck snapped by a bear trap and slid into a wooden fence. This is not the most dignified end. - Maybe if persnickety hadn't been an asshole.

- Yep. - I'm really sorry you had to put it down. I can only imagine how you must've had some sort of deep personal connection to it. I've never seen anyone actually tame a unicorn before, so. - Kaluna will wipe at their eyes a little bit. - How long did you know it? - I'm tempted to pull off it. - It feels like they knew it their whole lives. - Yeah, yeah, I like that. It felt like we'd known it forever. - This guard is gonna kind of put a hand on Kaluna's shoulder. The person who was assaulted, has anyone seen them? We got report that the unicorn stabbed someone.

- We healed him a little bit. - Did you see where they went? - Kaluna will point to the fence. - And the guards kind of motion to other people to go check that out, please, Jesus. (laughing) - All right, here's what we're gonna do. We don't have things happen like this in White Hedge. If you could give us some assistance in dragging the body away, we would be very appreciative. Other than that, I'm just gonna let you people go based on sheer ignorance. - Kaluna will nod and sort of walk towards the body. - I think that's probably a good time for us to stop.

(laughing) - Jesus. - I'm so glad that a great portion of this was just fucking around with the unicorn. - Y'all make Jesus, I don't know. (laughing) - I like that the unicorn thing started with, this is probably a bad idea, but I'm gonna do it anyway. - I'm gonna do this shit. - See, I was- - And it was a dead unicorn. - See, I was legitimately like, okay, I'm just gonna talk to the unicorn, gonna pet the unicorn, and then we can go. It'll be great. - I knew that wasn't gonna end that way. - You're terrible, Jason, I hate you. - I'm sorry, but- - How could you tempt me like that?

- It's kind of like Galford's wand, where it's like after he got all the tentacle arms, he was like, Jason, why'd you do this to me? - Exactly. - See the whole thing, I was just like, this is a bad idea, but it's a unicorn. And- - That's why you don't trust shit in fairy ice. - I know, I knew better. - This isn't a shock, you knew what unicorns were. - I'm not shocked, but I'm still sad. And I'm still glad that I fell for it. - I agree, I'm just disappointed. - Oh wow. - I expect lots of fan art of Persnickety the unicorn. And Kaluna, while they were still together.

- There'd better be a- - A blood thirsty unicorn. - No, it's Persnickety the evil unicorn. Get it right, Jason. - Sorry, I- - There'd better be a Twitter account. - I'm not sure if you've checked Twitter lately. - Oh my God. Oh my God. - Oh God. - Is that the thing already? - I like the profile picture. - And follow. - Why do I have spooky, scary skeletons stuck in my head, guys, what happened to do that? - I don't know. - It's been like half an hour and I don't know where it came from. - It pops into my head at the weirdest times. - Okay, cool. - It's just one of those songs.

- This was the most uneventful session ever in terms of- - Yeah. - At least there was unicorn- - It was mostly not getting arrested. - That's the aim. - Thought we were gonna get the right for it. - I did too, and then unicorns. - I'm a weak willed person. Clearly. Gosh. It's good to know though. I'm sorry I got a unicorn, guys. It wasn't the unicorn's problem. I'm sorry the unicorn died. Again... You could have left him there. You could have left him on the outskirts of town. You could have... See I was going to say something like that but I was still thinking and then you were like hey you're in town look at that elf.

Oh no no no no no no no no no no. There were a few events that occurred before hey look at that elf. It was hey roll this check hey roll that check and you couldn't keep control of your unicorn friend. Well rest in peace for Snicketty. He's tied in the most gruesome fashion. The second that cat and hoon came out I kind of felt it coming. Yeah I tried so hard for Snicketty. Got so far. In the end it just it did not matter. I tried to add pubes to this penis here and it kind of looks like it's a Nazi now. Yeah. Either that or a draft where you're walking like an Egyptian.

Don't know how to fix this. I really I really want a chance to apologize to what was his name? Bloomford. Bluford. Billford. I feel so bad for Billford. Well you did almost murder him. I didn't do it the unicorn well I guess me Mack did. Mack almost murdered him. Kaluna is innocent for the most part. Ignorant. Ignorance is bliss.