Nothing but Time

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We'll be back next week with a brand new episode from Group A. Let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'm Jason. I'm the Dungeon Master. Going around the table, let's start with James. James, who are you playing tonight? Give us a little bit of detail. I'm happy to be reprising the role of Dagon, who is no longer a Sion, obviously. Should I say what he is? Mm-hmm. He is now Dagon the Aladrin Warlock. What's Dagon been up to recently? Well, some people may remember in that little stinger or teaser we did, he's been traveling around with Finway, sort of trying to find every gate that he can, now that he has the power to open these things at will.

Mm-hmm. That power came at a price. It sure did. It sure did. He made a pact with a demon called Lhokon. And like most people that make pacts, I'm sure he believes that he will outsmart this demon, and his soul will remain his own. We'll have to see, of course. Mm-hmm. But he caught wind of this artifact you're talking about, and his plan was to use the gates to search far and wide to find this thing. And I think they're narrowing down on it. Mm-hmm. And I think that's where we're going to start off. Well, before we do that, let's introduce the rest of this group, this group of not-so-happy Aladrin who are not content with living out in the desert somewhere.

Let's start with Alex. Alex, you had a--I almost felt like a commentator-- Alex, you had a rough game just a few minutes ago. [laughter] So, you know, we go out there and score points, you know, like, "I can shoot the coach. How can we do--" [laughter] "--run the plays?" Didn't work out, but we'll get them next time. [laughter] Alex, who are you playing? Tell us a little bit about him. I am playing Bardolph, the Aladrin rogue subclass, a sasino, assassin. The way I paint Bardolph is basically, like, if there's such thing as a scum of Aladrin, that's what he is.

Mm. Like, he's in there for the money, for sure, but the money is not so good when you work on the desert. Assassinations don't really come easy. They're not part of the main Aladrin, let's call it, wheelhouse. So he's been out of clients ever since he woke up from the tree sleep. Susan. Hi, Susan. Hi. Tell us a little bit about who you're playing. I will be playing Althea Irkinscape. Well, that last name sounds familiar. I know, doesn't it? I don't know. Althea is actually Dagon's mother. She is a wizard and Aladrin, so that's who I'll be playing. You know, that's all you need there.

I can tell you about her, but you'll find out, I guess. I don't know. Kels? Hello. How you doing, Kelsey? I'm doing good. Who are you playing? Tell us a little bit about yourself. So I'm playing Ereteci Loran. As a very complicated Aladrin name, because I felt that would be nice and fun to do. So she is a shadow sorcerer. And before the whole big thing happened with the Aladrin, she was pretty high up as far as the social class goes and whatnot. So suddenly, blinking and waking up in a big cave full of other Aladrin was not exactly the ideal life that she was expecting to lead.

And that kind of sort of started to awaken a bit more of darker inner magic stuff that she realized she had going on. And so she's very much wanting to return things to a better state, at least as far as she's concerned. As much as I hate it. I did see in the chat, "Make Odysseus great again." Ha ha ha! Yep. I saw that too. I hate it, but... I'm okay with that. [Laughter] Ryan! Tell us a little bit about yourself. Hello there. I am playing Lannis Deven, a very judgey, quiet, older Aladrin. And he's a cleric of all classes, but not the typical cleric. He's actually praising the Aladrin people themselves and not any particular god.

Man, that is... okay. That's amazing. I love that. Oh, that's so up your own ass. I love it. I just love it. That's like, stereotypical almost, right? That's fantastic. I'd say that's taken to the nth degree. We are gods. Why would we worship anything but us? We're Aladrin. That's so perfect. Is he on the seal of the gods? This whole race is taking it to the nth degree. Yeah, no. I love it. Karen! Hello. Hi, Karen. Hi. So I am playing Safia Donner, and she is an Aladrin ranger/druid. She's actually a swordsmith, and she is also a monster hunter, so she hunts the monsters with the swords that she makes, because they're special for monster hunting.

I don't know. That sounds good. [Laughter] I mean, there's not a lot of monsters in the desert. I mean, I guess there kind of are. There's worms and stuff, but not the kind of stuff that she's typically used to creating weapons for. Right. Now, there's a running gag on group A. We measure hit points in Amvens. Amven is a character on group A who is a level six rockin' 15 sweet-ass hit points. Now, Michael plays Amven on group A, but Michael, you are not playing Amven this evening. Oh, no. Definitely not. And quite possibly, you are playing the opposite of Amven.

Oh, yeah. I would say this is gonna be fun. I am playing Thallon Valeth, a used-to-be prestigious fighter in the Aladrin society, turned angry and upset of the current situation. Not able to train the fighters and everyone like before. Now we're a joke and it makes me kind of angry. So much so that I've turned a little ragey. A little barbaric, we may say. So I am a obviously Aladrin, original fighter with barbarian and that little touch of wizard just to make it fun. Nice. Here's something I would like. Okay. The theme for Theriathan has accidentally become nu metal.

Now, amazingly, if you play Prince of Persia 2, you get some God smack every time the Dehaka chases you. What would be Thallon's nu metal theme? Like every time he enters battle, what would be rocking behind him? Pick something early 2000s, kind of angsty, might have been on the Daredevil soundtrack. I don't know about early 2000s, but I was gonna say like almost Highway to Hell, right? Oh, that's too much dignity. That's AC/DC. That's fun. Yeah, that's way... Yeah, nu metal. That's hard rock. Come on. Yeah, nu metal. Something with no dignity. No dignity. Yeah.

No dignity. Oh. Oh, man, we're getting some suggestions in the chat, a little puddle of mud. I built some slipknot. Slipknot. Oh, God. Angry punch the walls music. Oh, someone just said it. Disturbed. Disturbed. Oh, man. Steve the Wicked Guys got my back, then. Disturbed. Okay, but someone else said, "No go back." And I think the song Photograph really kind of ended up with a bunch of choices. Photograph. We used that to get him angry. That was me in the picture. Someone make like a mid 2000s anime AMV of Valen just cutting people up. Look at this folder. Like just spinning around and just like, oh, man, please someone do that.

Look at this battle axe. There you go. So here's what we're going to get ready and do, guys. You are looking for an artifact called the Yorayan, and it is pretty damn elusive. It has been written about a bunch and it's cropped up in history every once in a while, but it's been very spotty and vague. A lot of, oh, I heard from a friend of a friend, that type of thing. You find writings about it every once in a while, but man, Dagon's been after this thing for a bit. After he pretty much figured out what he'd like to try and do with the Latred Society. He's been pretty much like a pit bull on this idea, just latched on.

And you chased it down to Athias. One of the darker bits of Athias, actually. It's not great. You actually are kind of humping the line. If you went too much further, you'd have to cross over into Black Breach, which you don't want to do. But, as it is right now, you are standing outside of what appears to be a very lost temple. We're talking centuries lost. No one's been here. No one alive, at least. And the only way into this place is straight down. There are stairs leading to this alcove section. And once you get there, there's pretty much a large stone slab that you'd have to push aside.

And then once you do, it's a 15-foot straight drop. And I will leave things to you guys. So... Okay. Who's got an idea on how to get in here? Bardoff looks over the hole, looks at Dagon and the rest of the team, then *spits* Spits down the hole and tries to listen for a splat. Yeah, you're definitely going to... It's not going to take long. Again, it's about 15 feet, so it's, after that charming display, it's just going to go out *flak* And you're going to hear it. A little, like a tiny bit of an echo. But it sounds like stone. He looks at Dagon. "Hey, you get a rope?" Do I need to remind you of our mission?

Yeah, do it. What was it again? To take the Aladdin back to a time of refined dignity. Oh. Sorry, your highness. Why are you here again? Business isn't good. You're right. Give me a rope and I'll check it out. Very well. And I assume Dagon has one in his pack. So he'll toss one over. Yeah, I would like to think all of you have. Yeah, I'll try to... Bardoff, he doesn't want to waste his rope for this. He might need a rope. I imagine he has a rope that's just all frayed and very questionable. He doesn't check his pack. Is this the one that was used for Braille and...

Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Too soon, too soon. I would like to tie it to something and then toss it down and shimmy my way down if possible. Yeah, absolutely. This isn't going to be tough at all. Again, it's like 15 feet. So you're going to climb down looking around the entire time. And eventually you're going to reach this stone slab. It looks like a relatively smaller room that you're in right now. OK. Not crazy small. I would say probably like 40 feet across, probably 50, 55 feet long. And there is one door leading out. I would like to check for traps in the room if possible.

You absolutely can. You know what? Let's switch on over to the table so everyone can see. Boom, boom, boom. Check for some traps. What am I rolling? How do I class again? Trap investigation? I'm not a play rogue. Oh, my God. Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry. I always like I was just it's like, oh, you're you're an expert. OK, so. So sorry. So you can absolutely if you want to just do a little like just looking around, just give me a little perception right now. Sweet. Yeah. OK. So right off the bat, let me tell you what you're going to see. Just to kind of give you a nice view of everything.

There are going to be some pillars in this room for pillars, actually. Looks like it's it doesn't look so much like they're low bearing pillars. It looks more like they're ornate. And before crossing through the threshold of the story, you're going to get a you're going to get a trappy vibe from this place. I like Bartov being who he is. I think it would immediately kind of make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. He's going to like talk to himself. Well, yeah. Do I look kind of well, I guess 13 is not good enough to look. He would just whistle.

He'd be like, call back for the rest of them. Is it safe? Uh, kind of. What do you mean kind of? I need another set of eyes. I'll go down. Aridesi is going to look towards Dagon and kind of like raise an eyebrow and just be like, why did we bring that one along again? Hmm. Well, we did go down first. So are we joining Bartov? Balance. Althea will actually use a level one spell to break out a feather and just wish it around and then just jump over the edge and then look around herself because she does not trust him. And before that, she'll turn to Dagon. Don't worry, I got this, honey.

And then jump over and look around. Can I see how weird it is for Dagon to have a mom? Like, it's so weird. What's more weird than that? It's like, as I said, honey, it felt weird as soon as it was coming out of my mouth. I thought my mom told me, so I was like, that's normal, right? If anybody saw and looked at Dagon, he would. He's just like, no, don't. Don't say. And if they didn't know them. If they didn't know Althea and Dagon, well, they would be very confusing because Dagon appears much older than his mother. Yeah, so for those of you who are new, Dagon was not locked away with the rest of his people.

So he lived for a century out and about looking for a way to free them. And it's complicated, I guess we could say. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Okay. So this is kind of a gross display of magic, but sure, you're going to float down 15 feet. It is. She cannot climb. She has a negative two for strength. So this is all she has. Don't take that from me. I picture like the Princess Peach. She has so many and she could regain them because she's a wizard. So come on, Jason. You know what? I think it fits the character. Aladrens are all about gross displays of magic.

So let's do it. Okay, so then she'll look around because she wants to keep her son safe. This is so weird after playing Patty. I'm just going to say. All right. Oh, no. Looks fine, right? Oh, wow. Yeah, this looks fine. Dig on the lard. Definitely slide down the rope. Thinking everything's perfectly fine down there. Oh my goodness. Yep. Before anybody else moves, Lennis is going to just kind of look annoyed at the entire situation. I'm not climbing down a rope. And then he points down and he's going to use Mold Earth as a cantrip twice to excavate basically stair steps to go down.

Wow. That's awesome. You guys are dicks. This is great. Yep. Okay. Lennis will smile and not approve of Lian. That's just enough. Good. I shake my head. Wow. Okay. This is great. Okay, so this is exactly the crew. This Aladrens Suicide Squad thing is great. Who's Slipknot? Who's the man that can climb anything? Alright, here we go. Instantly stepping into this place. One, you know that it has been sealed away for quite some time. You are probably the first living individuals to set foot in here for who knows how long. The walls have this layer of green slime. It's almost an algae type of thing.

Like it's very moldy feels. That stale basement smell that you can only get in a dungeon. You just... ah. There is a single door that leads out of this place. I believe someone said something about checking for traps. Now, I'm guessing with this particular group you are leaning fairly heavily on Bardov to be your trap checker. That's what he assumes he got the job. That's how he assumes he got the job. Right. And more ways than one, yeah. Like as we said, he is going first. He knows this place in the Eledrin caste system. Would you like to check the door for traps?

Absolutely. 110%. Give me a little investigation. Wow. Intelligence? That's not my thing. Well... Mm-hmm. Looks fine. Yep. Looks clean to you. I might step up, you know, about maybe five feet away from the door, sort of looking at it. Can I do an Arcana check? Sure. Wow. So that's a 12. You're not... I'm sorry, that sounded like I was... We're doing great. You guys are doing great. So, I don't think that that is a silly thing to check because if you're correct, this place has an artifact locked away in it. Which means this entire place is essentially a safe. It is meant to keep this artifact away from people and you're breaking in to take it.

So, I mean, this checks out so far that this place might be the place you're looking for. You're not going to feel anything, nothing that sets off your senses here when it comes to magic. You're not picking anything up. And it was already checked for traps and they're, you know, they got a clean bill of health. Okay. I walk up to be dear everyone, closer to the door, behind Bardolph, of course. And then just to be in that like protective... I'm the muscle here for a reason. And just waiting to see if it all goes to hell in handbasket so I can be there. Okay.

You know what I'm going to do? Share this with you guys. Ooh. I'm just going to share that with you. Maps being shared are never a good thing. No, no, no. You guys are in a place where you're going to need some frames of reference. And I'm trying to share it with you. Jason, your voice gets higher when you're like lying. I lie all the time. My voice is naturally higher. I've known you for five years. [Laughter] What are you talking about? That's just... Jason. So, opening this door, nothing is going to happen. It's going to creak open. And right off the bat, you're going to see that this hallway is going to divide.

So you could choose to go straight, or you can hang a right. Bardolph will scout ahead a little bit, go to the intersection, but I'm going to try and sneak my way through the intersection. Good. Do me a favor. Give me a stealth check. Oh, so much better. Good. 14 is alright. That's not bad. So Bardolph is going to just effortlessly glide out into this hallway. Like this is his environment, right? Not trying to set off any pressure plates or hidden traps, anything like that. You're in your element. And you're going to stealth up to this intersection, and you're going to see where it bends around.

So basically you're hanging a right, then a left, then you don't really see where it's going to go. Straight ahead, on the other hand, is another bend. So essentially, you have the option of going right or left. 50/50 chance. Bardolph's going to pretend to do some calculations in his head. But he's purposefully just making weird calculations on his hand. Like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. He keeps doing the same thing. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. And he's going to point right. So the one where I can't see. Okay. Yeah. He's going to sneak that way, if he can. You absolutely can.

So let's go. Let's sneak. Is the party following him, by the way? I was going to say, is he going by himself? I mean, he would assume there's one or two people behind him. [laughter] I would like to mark the entranceway to this pathway. Sure. You do Minecraft-style. You're just going to... Yeah, I'll put a torch on the right-hand side. I think it's the right-hand side. [laughter] Because Althea has proven herself so well with perception checks. But I do want to listen to see if I can hear anything. Dude, absolutely. Let's do it. She's done so well. Let's see how this goes.

I think you're doing great. Oh, better. 17. Nice. Beauty. Good job, Mom. [laughter] God, that's weird. So weird. I don't think any of us knew what we were signing up for on this. Yeah, no, I'm backing out, guys. [laughter] But specifically listening, because I figure even seeing around... She can't see around corners. So this would be like smells and listening, I guess. Right. So this is definitely... Just kind of listening. Again, the smell of this place is kind of pungent, right? And that's pretty much to be expected. You're not going to hear anything. Like, okay, when you're in a cave, you're going to hear the steady drip, drip, drip of condensation, or you're going to hear the squeak of a bat or the kick of a rock, something like that.

There's ambience, whether you realize it or not. You're not going to hear anything in this place. It is completely stone silent. Even our footsteps, because that would be super creepy. Well, if you're going out of your way to sneak, it's not silencing your footsteps, but again, between you guys sneaking and shuffling around and the rest of this place just kind of being eerily calm, I think it'd be somewhat unsettling. Okay. I'm thoroughly unsettled. Good. Thank you. That's all I ask. You're welcome, Jason. But since there's nothing to report, I won't say anything because we're trying to be quiet.

Okay. So Bardolph is leading the charge? Yeah, he has to. He has become the frontline. Sneaking a little more, I guess. Okay. So interestingly enough, you're going to see some statues lining the hallways, and these statues appear to be humanoid shaped, almost wearing bulky suits of armor, but their heads are, I guess the closest thing you could compare them to is orcish, but their mouths are splayed wide open, like they've been bisected. Think the predator almost, but big thick plates where their mouths would be. It's eye catching. I guess I would tell people if they were behind me to put my hand up to make them stop.

Do I know anyone in our group who's like a history buff or something? Someone's got to be in this group, right? I've got a plus three. I got a plus six. Oh, wow. I would just look back to whoever's following me and be like, "Hey, we got weird statues. Someone take a look." I mean, I haven't been rolling great, so... (laughter) Want to give it a shot? Yeah. Anybody got better than plus six? No, I got a two. I got a five, but that's it. We could roll together. Oh my goodness. Just go do it. Take some responsibility, Susan. Oh, look at that. There you go. 26. Seriously?

Told you. Look at that. That's a crit. I would say that Althea would have enough fancy book learning to know that one, these are not well placed. These statues are lined up on both sides of this hallway, staggered out. And Althea's going to recognize them as kind of crude depictions of flame demons. And that's kind of a big red flag, right? This is just going to scream trap to Althea. So Bardolph looks back to us, like with that "what's going on" face, and Althea will step up, look around, and then look back to the group. This is clearly a trap. I've never seen a more trap-like trap.

(laughter) He looks at Althea and then back at the statues. Are you sure? (laughter) Did I just say that I've never seen a more trap-like trap? I'm just making sure. I never saw you doing the kind of job I did, but I take your word for it. So he's going to go up to it and try and see if he can like-- He's first going to try and identify the trap and then try and disable it and see if there's like a sequence-- Well, basically see if it's connected or something. Before you go up to it, Althea will make eye contact with Dagon and like roll her eyes. (laughter) Didn't I just say that and then he goes and walks the other direction?

(laughter) So there's-- firstly, do me a favor, give me a perception check. Let's see if you can-- That's the question, right? That's the real question. That's the real question. Nope. Can I find it out with him because I got a nat 20? Someone better help him. He's going to get you guys murdered. I'm not going to-- I'm not going to take any traps in this game. Since I'm technically behind him, I'll take a look and see what I see. Yeah, so okay. Normally I would just have Bardolph re-roll, but go ahead, you roll too. Look, just kind of-- you're peering over his shoulder.

Oh, that's way better, thank God. How did Bardolph get this far in life? I'm an assassin, I'm not a rote. Assassin's House of Seathain? (laughter) To see him missing the killing move, like the fatal blow, each time, he's like, "Oh, hold on one more second." I am pretty dexterous, so that means I've done multiple killing moves on the same target, probably. Just to be thorough. Just to be safe, yeah. There is a massive pressure plate right in the middle of this floor. (laughter) Like, you'd have to be blind not to see it, basically. (laughter) Or rolling at one.

Or rolling at one. Traps like this usually have one or two ways to disable them, but once you spot the pressure plate, it's basically a matter of disabling the pressure plate, or you could use Arcana to sort of-- think of it as hacking these statues and stop the fire from-- Yeah. Hey, there's a plate right there. I mean, you literally almost stepped on it. Like, don't. And maybe if you want to disarm it, if not, maybe we could do that. I don't know. I got it, I got it, I got it. Not really. I got it, I got it. He's gonna blow his-- Yeah, I got it, yeah, yeah.

Piece of cake, piece of crumb cake. Easy. I take one step back away from him. I mean, I pointed it out to you. So... Shut up, I gotta concentrate. It says we're gonna agree that we're all-- like, the rest of us are gonna step out of that section of the hallway. [laughter] So, okay, here's what I want you to do. You're basically just wedging something under this pressure plate to make sure that it doesn't go off. You'd have to beef this pretty hard. Okay. [laughter] Here's what I'd like you to do. Do me a favor. Roll a sleight of hand for me. Ooh. Now look, look.

Unless you roll like a one, two, or three, you're gonna be fine. That's impossible. Alex. He's fine. [laughter] I'm not good luck today. Let's put it like that. Alex, just go to sleep. Yeah. Just go to sleep for today. [laughter] So sorry. You're doing great. So you are going to wedge something under this pressure plate. And I would imagine, Bardolph being the kind of guy-- like, he would test it, like, just try to, like, wedge it, it's like, "Ah, that should do it," and just, like, almost jump up and down on it. Yes. But yeah, it's gonna hold. It's gonna be fine.

When he's jumping up and down on it, I'll look back to the rest of the Aladrin, almost with a, like, "Really?" look in my eye. This guy? Yeah, exactly. You ever think that maybe he wasn't an Aladrin and he became one by accident? I have considered that, to be honest. Okay, he's good. Bardolph. Yeah. Please do not let your confidence get the better of you. Oh, yeah, you got it, boss. He's gonna do, like, a really over-fancy bow. Do you wish to continue in the lead? Sure, but I could use an extra pair of hands and eyes. Clearly. Just gonna, like, point to her? Yeah, you can come up front with me. [laughter] Amoritici's just gonna raise an eyebrow at him and not move.

Like, clearly, like, no. Okay. Come on, come on, big guy. Yeah, I can follow along, mainly to protect the group behind me. And friendship. And... no. [laughter] It's being asked in the chat if basically you have reliable talent. Not yet. No, well, we kill stuff, maybe, but traps don't seem to be my forte. Not yet, not yet. Nor reliable. Yeah, yeah. You're gonna have a shining moment. You are. You got one coming after the last one. Alex, I believe in you. Thank you. I believe in me, too. But I don't believe in you. You should. I believe in Alex, but Safiya does not believe in Bartos.

So, she's not either. So, she's actually gonna roll her eyes and move up behind the two of them, and I will be making separate perception checks. Oh, Althea probably will, too. Wow. No confidence. So, if you are going to creep around this corner here, and guess what? You have another choice to make. Would you like to go right or left? It's a dungeon, guys. Let's go to the water house first. No, he looks at, uh, that one's with me, right? Yep. Yeah, it's that one. What do you think, big guy? We didn't have any, like, sound or anything, but is there any, like, air or any kind of, like, breeze coming from a direction?

Give me a perception. Sure. Kind of, oh my god. Oh my god. Wow. Yes. The most perceptive of all of us. So, I would say you're doing the con air, closing your eyes, letting the knot wind rustle through your hair. And... Oh, no, no, no. Literally, my gust cantrip is making that happen. Oh, okay, cool. So you got, like, long luxurious hair like Nic Cage, and it is just... It's amazing. Oh, man. So, no, no. There's no real gust of air. Nothing like that. Just me. Yeah, just you. Okay, well then I want to look like I'm amazing, like, with the gust just coming through, and as if I'm, like, meditating in a direction.

And then I'm gonna make it 50/50 here. Oh, good. Let's go south. Alright. We're hanging a left, everybody. I'm gonna mark the corner. Gotcha. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So, I'm gonna cut to the chase here a little bit, because there's lefts and rights and stuff like that. So I imagine you are all keeping an eye out, and you're just kind of like stealthing around the corner just because the lack of sound, you would expect to hear something rustling around or something. So if you don't hear sound, it makes it kind of impossible to know if something's around the corner or not.

So you just kind of like assume there's something around every corner. And here's the thing. You are going to essentially end up in front of a hallway. Now, there are these little hideaways, almost like ramparts at the top of a castle, and you're going to see... Actually, you know what? Who's leading the way? Bardwell. Bard, me, and Thallen, right? It's Bard off, then Thallen, yes. Yeah. Do me a favor. Give me Perception. Oh my god. There we go, that's better. Oh, fantastic. So, the second you enter this hallway, these whirring blades are going to activate. So let me just show you.

You have a hallway like this. Now, everywhere you see those little alcove-type things, essentially these spinning scimitars are going to be just whirring in this hallway. Now, to the untrained eye, this looks borderline impassable, but there does appear to be a bit of a pattern. It technically could be traversed. Oh boy. For it to have been going this long in this unused dungeon, would someone assume that Magic is feeling it instead of like... Well, here's the thing. It wasn't going, because you definitely would have heard it. I was going to say. Yeah. The second you enter...

The second one. Someone goes through WD-40 and everyone's just making sure everything's like... Yeah, exactly. Like, is this mechanical or magical? This dungeon has a fucking landlord. It just comes with... it's like, "Ah, right." If not a groundskeeper. I don't know. So, here's the thing. These activated the second you walked into the hallway. Unless there's someone on the other side of this seeing you coming and throwing a switch, I think it's safe to say that there is some magic at play, yes. Okay. Guys, I have a +6 Arcana. Does anybody have more? Nope. Mm-mm.

No. You're the bug lady. I've only rolled good one time, so let's see if it holds up. Um, so Althea knows this is magic and wants to see if there's any way to disarm it with magic. Mm-hmm. So, I believe in myself. Oh my... [Laughter] Oh no, it's not really. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. [Laughter] I keep not believing in it. That's why that happened. Yeah, no, it's not... no. You're not gonna see a way. No. Does anyone have any, like, ice stuff? Like, I'm looking at the frostbite cantrip, which I have, and I don't know if that might work to slow them down a bit to make it easier.

Yeah, I have something, but I'll have to use a spell slot. Yeah, yeah. I don't really want to, but if... I mean, I can try frostbite to see if it'll work first, since it's just a cantrip, but... Sure. That is a thing that makes... So we know this is magic in nature. It's definitely being fueled by magic. Power bite. Yeah, those blades are my blades. Just to play into my not... not disabling it, Althea will step ahead. This is definitely magic. And then she'll, like, concentrate for a moment. I... And she'll look up. I can't... I can't disable it. I'm sorry. Could I feel, like, a perception to see if there's maybe just, like, a plate somewhere that might disarm it?

I know, like, it's mostly magic, but... Sure. Like, we can... I don't know. We can try. Shot in the dark. Yeah. Go ahead. Good, good. You're right on my level, Karen. We win a plus eight. Oh, Jesus. Okay. So... When Althea moves ahead a little, it's gonna get worse. Because there are these pillars that are going to start crushing the area beyond the blades. So there appear to be two complex traps at work here. Oh, yeah. This is a nasty one. So, Bartov, you got this, right? Yeah, sure. You've dealt with this before, haven't you? I mean, usually there's one trap not to put together like a sandwich.

That's new. What? That rhymed. What? If I... Can we have a cannon that rhymes characters to say "what"? Yep. That's... that's my reaction. Uh, Jason. Yeah. Two traps? Two different attempts to stop the traps? Well, it all depends on how you want to approach this, right? So, a good chunk of this hallway, closest to you, has these spinning propeller blades basically all over it. And then beyond that, you have this more impact-based trap with these pillars that are just kind of like crushing, just munching. Like, um, think Galaxy Quest. Mm. Yeah. Yeah? So, it all depends on how you'd like to try and tackle this.

You could try to maybe, I don't know, pick these traps apart, think 'em, kind of outthink them. You could try to out-dodge them. There does appear to be something, I'll say this, at the far end of this hallway, there does appear to be some sort of plaque. It almost looks like a gemstone, maybe a button, something like that, on the far end of this hallway. It's tough to make it out because of all the crushing and slashing. Hey guys, I've played Skyrim a lot, okay? I got this. [Laughter] He's got good acrobatics. I could also try... I am here to protect us.

I don't want anybody to die. Emma plus three. Could be magic missile the... the... Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. I mean, I just checked and I have something called Dispel Magic. Yeah, I've got that too. Oh yeah. That'll do it. That's a third level spell slot. It's a slot though, yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's a third level spell. How many of those do you got? I have three. You have three spell slots? I have three as a wizard. Oh nice, I only have two. I should probably save those. Well, yeah, we're kinda early. Yeah, very early. It's literally hallway like two.

I was... I mean, I'm making an assumption, but when you have traps this potentially damaging, there's probably something good on the other side. Yeah. We could go back and try on the other pathways. I mean, I don't want to be meta, but at the very least wizards can regain spell slots during a short rest. I didn't hear that. I think you should use Dispel Magic. [Laughter] I don't... I don't want this to get all group two or anything, but... See, grouping you guys together was a mistake. I knew it. [Laughter] We're back at it, guys. Just do it. Just do it. Okay, so after not being able to spell it with Arcana, this does seem character.

Okay, Jason, don't judge me. Wow. She is an Arcana teacher. She would try everything she could. Hey, hey, who are you trying to convince? Me or you? You. Exactly. You. I'm not going to lie to you, Jason. We're friends. Okay. It's 120 feet, so she's going to try and Dispel Magic. Would that be able to spell all the traps? The magical effect. Within range. Here's what I'm going to do for you guys. I want... I want you... to give me an Arcana check. Okay. And if it's high enough, we'll see. What does a 14 do for you, Jason? Does that tickle your fancy? Don't talk about my fancy. [Laughter] And I will say that I was muted earlier, and I was trying to bring this up way earlier, so this was... this is really what I wanted to do. [Laughter] My controller died earlier, so I...

Oh my goodness. [Laughter] Jason. Um, the blades are going to fold up and recede into the wall, and these pillars are going to stop crushing the area. Hmm. Looks safe. But I would like to point out... So Althea tries to spell it, and then she, like, channels something, and, like, this multicolored, like, beam shoots out of her down the hallway to the other end. Does that make sense? Like, will Althea go to this cannon? Okay. So she tries to dispel it just by reaching her hand out, and then this multicolor... Then she gets, like, frustrated. You can see her visibly get frustrated, and then this multicolored beam shoots out.

Mm-hmm. And then the... the blades stop. I'm channeling my inner Ian with, you know... [Laughter] Describing what's happening. Nice. Yes. [Laughter] So yeah, man. Do you guys want to go in? Yeah. Yeah, Bardolph doesn't even hesitate. He's just like, "Okay, good." Starts walking down the hallway. I read to see what will give Althea an impressed look, and she's like, "Nicely done." Because this was a third level spell, there was, like, sweat on Althea's brow. She'll wipe it away. Thanks. That was a third level spell, guys. I better go make sure he doesn't die yet, and I travel after Bardolph.

I don't think we'd be losing that that much, but... We still need to complete the mission. So let's, uh... let's poke ahead here. What do we got? You are going to see another lovely corridor. This one's, um... This one's pretty long, and you're going to be able to see into the next room. There's no door on this one. And there's a short set of stairs leading down, probably, like, four feet or so. Not too much. And it looks as though there are little offshoots in this hallway. How big is this map, man? Is big map. Yeah. I had Bardolph carefully walk up to the first offshoot, and kind of look around and make sure there's no pressure plate or anything down there.

Sure. Could you do me a favor? Give me a perception? Oh my god. Please. Oh, that's better. Guess what? You are going to spot... You're going to spot a little pressure plate leading up to that first one. Actually, you don't even make it to the first, Delco. You are going to see... Oh, son of a bitch. You're starting to get a little snappy here. You're starting to spot him. Nice. Yeah, you're going to see that there's really not a whole lot going on in here. It looks like this might have been a storage area at one time, or maybe like a red herring? Like something to throw people off or something?

I guess it depends on what this area used to be. If this was always designed to house this artifact, or if it was kind of repurposed after the fact. Hmm. Okay. Well, I'm going to shove something in the pressure plate so it doesn't fuck with us. Sure, man. Give me a sleight of hand. Oh, yeah. Sleight of hand. Please. That's good. Yeah, you're doing great. I get like a doorstop or something that I have in my pack, just like, "Oh, okay, good." Yeah, like a pitten, piton, whatever they're called. Yeah, whatever those things are. Whatever those fucking things are that I haven't been willing to pronounce in seven years.

This has got to instill some confidence from the party, right? The party's got to look like, "Okay, that is a man in his element. He's got this." He feels as if he's just kind of, he just does his hands like, "Ah, ha ha! Easy piece of cake, like I said." So we're not going to die now, that's what you're saying? Yeah, it would be good. Yeah, you'd be fine. I still walk around the trap? I'll let him know, like, "These rooms are empty. There's really nothing good in these." Right. No, I'm serious. Althea will actually look back to Safiya, Eredice, and Dagon and raise her eyebrow.

Like, hmm. Eredice will give her a look back, just like, "I know, right?" Is he just making an assumption? Yes, this is based off of no rules. This is just... Okay, because there's, you know, three, four offshoots, and the trap was what, in the hallway? Yeah, so I think for him it's based off, he saw one, and he's like, "Oh, well, they're probably all the same. We should keep going." Perhaps we should look anyways. Man, you bring along an expert, and you don't listen to an expert's opinion. You know, it's like inviting me in the phone book or something.

I don't know. What's a phone book? I think he's meaning an Aladrin Index. What I mean is, I just want to be thorough. Sure, yeah, no, no, that's a good point, good point. Do you want to give a little look around? Yes, please. Give me a Perception check. Or you can investigate. Can we investigate, Jason? You sure can investigate. Who's rolling? Who hasn't had a chance yet? Oh, no, don't... Oh, wow, no, you know what? I didn't do that. Althea's got this. Althea pokes around. No, I didn't. Oh my gosh. Gives it a clean bill of health. It looks great, guys. You rolled like 14 times.

Yeah. I did. I did roll a lot. Don't... Utter confidence from Susan tonight. No, that was before you said, "Who got this?" That was like, I was rolling before that. You jumped forward, like you... No, I'm a jerk. Don't count me. No, you're not. You're just telling the rest of the party, "Do not worry about a thing." My goodness. "Put this all on my shoulders. I know what I'm doing." It was as... Oh, I feel so bad. Don't believe me, guys. I'm just really curious if you would have had the same reaction had you gotten a crit 20. Right. No, I would have, because as he was saying that, I rolled as soon as he was saying, "Who wants to roll?" And I was like, "Oh shit, I've rolled a lot." I could just say you were investigating this.

You have a little heat to start the trip. We'll go with it. Yeah, trust me. Everyone's going to get a chance to roll. Yeah, don't trust me. Maybe it's looking in the first room. Yeah, don't trust me. Don't trust me. No, no, no, no, no. Alfie's got this. So Alfie is looking around and he's going to thoroughly, thoroughly investigate everything. Oh my goodness. And she's going to turn around and look at the party and give him the A-OK sign. It's like, "Done." Why do you do this to me, Jason? Look, I respect you. No, you don't. I do. Mother. Wow. Could you, OK. That was tone.

That was, yeah, that was. Not in front of my friends, Mom. This is weird. Could you, OK, for the fan fiction. No, shut up. Could you, hold on, no, just one time, just one time, because it's Theriathon. Shut up. Call Susan Mommy, just one time. No. No, no, no. OK. You know what? Fair enough. My head is literally in my hands right now. This is really weird for me. OK, that's OK. Just embrace it. It's fine. Val approves in the chat. Val's all for it. Yeah, you got Mandy excited at the chat. OK, everyone's saying yes, but I'm going to mute my mic, so go ahead. No. I'm trying to do something serious here.

I'm sorry, you know what? It's OK. You know, go. Mother, Oz, do you remember the safe at our home in the wall? Yes, of course. Maybe we should check the walls in a similar manner. Of course you're right. But that was always... And she'll look down. That was always your father's preference. And she'll look... Shake her head and look back up. Maybe if one of you would look for that. That was never my speciality. Who hasn't had a chance to check the... Karen? I know, but my investing is not as good. I think. I think you need to start pulling your weight in this party.

Wow. I think you should tag in and just be like, "Hey, I got this, guys." I have faith in every single one of you. You do got this. Yeah, you're all very capable Aladrin. I believe in you. OK. Karen. Look at that! Oh, wow! Have a little faith in yourself. It's Theriathon, Karen. I'm going to clap on Mike. Yes. Excellent. Also, is anyone else getting a weird Norman Bates vibe from this mother stuff? Slightly. Slightly. OK. Just a little? OK. There's nothing OK here. It's fine. I didn't think I would, and then we're here. So, everything's going to check out. No traps. Everything looks great.

Wow. Were we just looking for traps? We were looking for, like, high heels, too. Well, I am. With hooks that you can push in. Yeah, the little secret passageways and stuff like that. Yeah, none of that. But, here's the thing. Saphia, I think that's how I'm pronouncing that. Yeah. OK, cool. Is going to spot a chest in the next room. Oh. By It's Lonesome. Kind of sitting in a corner. It's another room with four pillars, and it looks empty. Except for the chest. By It's Lonesome. All alone. In this dungeon. At a dead end. At a dead end. Whoa, whoa. We're tossing around the word "dead end." We don't know.

Jason, can I? So I found a chest, right? Yeah. But, does my investigation, like, bleed over to, like, any traps or anything? I mean, you don't see any. Like, on the chest? Oh, the chest is really far away, though, Karen. Jason. You're going to have to get closer to the chest to see. Jason. Would you like to move closer to the chest? I don't like how you're saying "chest." Mother, would you like to move close to the chest? This is so weird. Well, as long as I don't notice any traps on the way to the chest. That was very specifically where it is. Do you want your lawyer present, Kiss-Labs?

I need a signature from you, Jason. Okay. Would that crit show things in this room? If there were things? In the room that you were standing in? Absolutely. Oh my goodness. No, the room with the pillars. Oh, well, you gotta get a little closer. I mean, you don't have X-ray vision. This is Karen, okay? It is Karen. She can do this. Fine. Oh my goodness, Jason. It sounds like you're moving. I'm gonna go closer, yeah. Yeah, okay, sweet. Yeah. I think she's gonna just like, when a bar is like, "Oh, there's nothing." And then she's gonna see that, she's gonna roll her eyes and move closer.

Okay, good. Kind of fed up with the whole situation, just kind of pussyfooting around going in there. Yeah, this is boring. She doesn't like the G2 vibe. What's going on here? Oh man, they would smother problems. Basically, problems would just give up. The problems would just give up eventually because they just... Yes, exactly. It just opens, "Here, look, take that!" They wrap it up in a carpet and beat the shit out of it with tennis rackets. Like, they just do not stop. Now, are you talking about the problems or you? And might I point out that no one died after we started doing that.

Yeah, well... I guess, but it was like 45 minutes of, "Let's talk about this one." So... No regrets. Safiya's going to move on up to this chest with a confident strut. And this appears to be a little on the smaller side, not to, you know, shame the chest. It's not its fault. It's a little, I'd say, like two foot wide, something like that. Kind of like a footlocker type of thing. It doesn't appear to be locked. Does it appear, like, how about the ground around it? That's not locked either. I didn't... As far as they fucking hate you so much. I don't have to put up with this.

Jason, have I said I'm over you today? Because I am. The ground itself does not look... Trapped? Tricky. I don't know. Yeah, it doesn't look trapped. No. Would you like to run an investigation check? Yeah, I would actually. Thank you. Well, let's do it. Yeah. It's great. Oh, you know, believe the not-traps here. So good. No traps. Oh my goodness. I'm going to open the chest. Alright. Let's do it. Hold on. I just think Dagon did an Arcana check on the door before they came in. I think he might do an Arcana check on this chest. You know what? I think you are more than welcome to do that.

It is your purview. Thank you. And we will establish that none of us trust each other. Oh, you're not picking up anything magical in the room. Yet. So, Saffi is going to open this chest and right away... There's going to be this little glint, little glimmer in the chest as the light kind of catches something. And there is a beautiful bejeweled crown sitting alone in this chest. I don't trust it. Why do you have to say it like that, Jason? I... look. I have come up with a way to combat the group-two-ness of you guys over the last couple of years. I've had to train my body and mind.

There's only three of us here, guys. That's enough. We must be the three worst offenders. I think so, yeah. You're all Hawkeye. You know, looking back on it, he split us up first. Pissed up a reason. I'm kind of drunk, so I won't let you go. Well, we know that Xavier must be pretty chill because group A is not an issue. Do you ever have a friend in school that the teacher didn't allow you to sit with? Yeah. But if Ian was here, it would be like Max to the 10th. Oh, yeah, no. His... his... No. Oh, and then Jamie? Oh my god. Don't even... Bejeweled crown sitting right in front of you.

How does Safiya feel about jeweled headwear? Oh, she's not going to touch it. She's going to open it, open the chest, do what's inside of it, and then stand back up and look back to the group. I mean, specifically Dagon and say... What does the artifact look like again? I don't really know, per se. I believe it would admit tremendous power. Can I do an arcana check? Before you do that, Althea will close her eyes and like, inhale and then let out like a slow breath. I thought you were going to say fart and I don't know why. It took me a long time to find this place.

I got a vague description of what I was finding. Okay. Give me a little arcana check. Oh, no. That's not it. Keep going. Yeah, you know, you're not picking up much. I guess if Dagon's looking for the big red sign floating above the thing, it's like, "Hey, I'm it. Pick me up." This doesn't give it off. I'll just say, I feel this artifact would be better protected than this. Safiya's going to nod and she goes, "Yeah, it's a crown. Do you want it?" You look at Bardolph. I mean, if no one wants it, yeah, I mean, I take it. Could fetch a pretty penny. Yeah, he's going to walk up to the chest.

I mean, you don't want it? She's going to like, put her hands out like after you. Okay, good. He just grabs it. As a result, what would you like to do with it? Put it in your bag? Put it in my bag? Yeah, he just grabs it. Okay, looks good. You're not going to try and put it on first. No, no. Why would I wear that? Silly. You realize this crown probably gives like a plus 10 modifier to everything? A plus 10 to looking fabulous. It restricts the air breeze, no thanks. Yeah, that doesn't appear to be anything else in this room, guys. Okay, other way. All the way back.

So what you're saying is nothing. I mean, there doesn't appear to be. Got a sweet crown. I got a sweet crown. You got a sweet crown. I did. Can I check if you have a crown? I did. Can I check if there's like anything on the walls or like a hidden door or like a bomb crack kind of thing from like Zelda? You didn't expect me to give you the old "ba do do do do do do" what are you looking for? I played the music from Ocarina of Time when the chest was open in my head. We're in here. I need my next treasure room after the treasure room. So I'm like, well, there's got to be something else.

And so I want to just take a look. And yeah, from an aggressive point of view. I guess. Give me an investigation check. Look around. Investigation. Oh, this will be amazing. Okay, I okay. Twinsies. There are eight of you. Seven? Seven of you? Seven. Seven of you. Okay. Sorry. Don't judge us. I'm not judging. There have been some comments in the chat. Realistically, yeah, everyone being here rolling like and looking around, but I thought we were only allowed to like do one person. Well, yeah, we're not doing the group two let's smother it with a blanket until it stops moving thing of like, well, now I check.

Now I check. Stop judging us, Jason. I'm judging past you. This is more like, hey, you each got a huge bring it your Ocean Sevening this, right? You each have an expertise and it would be silly to double, triple, quadruple check your work. This is Ocean 13/14. We will smother this. Wow. Fire off already walking the other way. Fallon was just looking for something that he could hopefully like smash. So he's more like hoping that they'd be like, oh, the wall. Oh, maybe this is something I can hit and break. But he's like, oh, damn. I'm sure we'll find something for you to smash.

Let's go back. OK, I have a feeling we may come back here later. OK, never go. So are we going all the way back to the first intersection or traveling back going to that north facing one? I would say the north facing one. Yeah, that's north. Going north. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Yes. The map disappeared for me. But yes. I think I'm sharing it with everybody. No, it just appeared. Oh. For me, I don't know. I'm special, yes. I don't know. Oh, man. I almost. OK. I love you, dude. That's Susan. I almost made a crack, like an unnecessarily mean one. Do it. Do it. OK. Are your perception checks in real life as bad as the ones you've been making in the game tonight?

Unnecessary. Right. See, I feel like that was mean. No, we're friends. I get it. Thank you. But, you know, I'm not going to send you those cookies. I had planned to come next week, you know, you know, in between the Kickstarter. So, you know, you still feel good, but whatever. That's not fair, though. I like cookies. I like cookies. I'm just going to cancel that shipment. Sorry, Bree. I like that Bree has to pay. Now, guess what? You guys are going around this corner and there's another hallway. Lo and behold. Shocker. Before we keep walking, I have I have a question.

Sure. Because we know the name of this object, would I be able to use the spell locate object? Oh, absolutely not. To figure out the direction? No. So instead of all of this stuff, I'm just like, all right, we're going we're going the opposite direction. It's at least that way. Let me ask a question. So you want to use the spell find thing we're looking for? Yeah. Why waste the time? OK, I'll tell you what. We just have the beer in our hands. Why are we even questing? Let's just. I would imagine he's like, you know what? Yeah, I'll let them try to find it and then I'm going to pull out the actual let me find it card.

I'm just going to find it and then just keep it silent to myself. Oh, by the way, I have it right here. Well, I mean, OK, let me ask a question about locate object. OK, could you read the description of the object for it? So describe or name an object that is familiar to you and you sense the direction. As long as it's within a thousand feet. So it's not telling you exactly where it is, but it's at least giving you a vague direction. So we know if we're going north and the object is south, we know we're headed the wrong direction. Are you familiar with it?

Well, I figured if you were studying it and then you gave the information over to us. Oh, I was not. I was not studying it. This is like a crapshoot, but I'm pretty sure it's here. Wow. That wasn't in the job description. No, I'm not using this. You're not supposed to say that. That's out of character. And for all you know, I know exactly what's happening. So when you posted this job, I picture this is like a... How else are you going to get people to join you? Well, there's this thing. It's in the world somewhere. It might be this thing. You want to come look for it?

I'm going to post on like Aladdin 4 channels. Total crapshoot suicide mission. Who's in? Bard, how's the first name on there? You have to glamorize it a little bit, you know. And be very secretive at the same time. I don't even know where I found these people. Where did I find you guys? Oh wow. I know where my mother came from. My grandmother. Oh no. I am being updated. I was going to talk about it. Apparently that is on the no-no list. You're supposed to correct this. Well, look man. I got a little going on today. You get to choose a new spell now, so there you go.

You know what I'll do for you? Oh, the fine objects on the no-no list? Sorry, blood. I missed something. No, sorry. I shouldn't have said no-no list. We're all 12. Go this hallway. This hallway? Okay. Let's keep walking. Are we checking for traps or are we just blazing in? Absolutely checking for traps. Let's fucking do it. Give me an investigation. What am I rolling? Give me an investigation. Oh no, investigation. I mean, checking for traps, maybe? Oh, there's no traps. Okay. Hey, we're good. I so trust him. I'm still behind him, assuming everything's going to blow up, but looking as if I'm being...

Sorry. I was just saying I'm trying to be the meat for the group, but never mind. That's all I'm talking about. I was just going to say we have to have faith in the fact that he is a Lazarus, you know? So he's not just your average elf. Yeah. Do we do that for sure though? Have we trusted him so far? I'd like to do an arcana check. Just kidding. I cast 23 and me. Look, I fell asleep just like everybody else in the goddamn tree. Well, it wasn't a tree, so I don't know where you were. Whatever, rock! Shit. So, okay. Here's what we're going to do. You guys are going to peer down this hallway.

No traps, nothing looks out of sorts, but you are going to see another room. And it looks very similar to the room you just left that was a "dead end." And there are some similarities in the construction, but there are some differences in what they're decorated in. This room is littered with dead bodies. Hmm. How fresh? They don't look fresh. Can we tell the race it is? Can I cast carbon duty? Are they skeletons or are they like, crazies? Here's the thing. You would think they'd be skeletons, right? These look like pale, emaciated figures just laying. It looks like they got shot in the gut and stumbled back against the wall.

Just slumped against the wall. You're also going to see a fair bit of shinies, let's call them. Maybe a couple of things scattered around in the room that look like they could be polished up. Might be worth a few bits. How many shinies? Well, it looks like there's some weapons and armor in here, and it's tough to tell from here how much they're worth. If they've been here for a really long time, though, and still look like they're not rusted, they're not... They're probably worth a little bit. You're also going to see some gemstones scattered about in there.

Looks like some rubies, maybe a couple of sapphires, something like that. Might be worth some coin. And there does appear to be one lone flask of something in there. Wow. Is there a rock or some piece of rubble nearby that's palm-sized I could just toss in there? Yeah. I'm going to toss it as close to the center as possible. Sure. It is going to fly into this room, and you're going to just... And it's going to echo around in there for a second, and then nothing. I will sneak into the room. Want to check for pressure, please? Well, we checked traps. Oh, and checking the room.

There's been pressure plates everywhere else. He's going to almost take a step down the steps. I guessed it. Thank you, guys. Investigation again? Oh, my God. That's better. Man, you are just nailing it. Oh, my God. You're getting good at this. You know what it is? You probably just had to shake the rust off a little bit. You're doing it. It's been a while. Everything in here looks clean as far as a trap perspective. It doesn't look like there... This is one of the first places you've actually entered where it's like, "I don't see any pressure plates or potential flamethrowers or whizzing fucking blades or anything." It just looks relatively fine.

I mean, except for the dead bodies. And, oh, boy, they stink. Oh, so they smell better then. Yes, they do. Oh, well, if I can smell them, then there's supposed to be... This place is not supposed to be entered for a long time, right? That's the rumor. Yeah. How far am I away from the dead bodies? You're in the doorway, right? Just poking in? I'd say you're about 15 feet or so from the nearest one. So which way are they facing? Which wall are they against, basically? They're against... There's at least four bodies that you can see, and they look like they're kind of slumped against almost all of the walls.

Huh. So, Barov's gonna take his shortbow off his back, and he's like, "Nah, this can't be right." And he's gonna shoot an arrow at one of the dead bodies. Okay. The second an arrow strikes one of these bodies, it is going to take in a sharp breath. And it is going to let out a horrific shriek, and it's gonna echo around in there. And the other bodies are going to not just stand up, but leap to their feet. And they are going to make a beeline for... Yeah. They're gonna make a beeline for you. Let's go, motherfuckers! Battleaxe shield ready. They're gonna hear Barov under his breath, "I hate when I'm right." Okay.

Let me set a little map up for you guys. So, is that just something that you produced off the top of your head? Like, that noise? Or was it something you've been practicing? No, just off the top of my head. I make a lot of noises around the house. I... I... I'm in there. Is this how you clear your throat in the morning? Is that onsettle Bree and Elle? Elle's probably gonna leave me any day now, I figure. She's due to leave me, but like... Maybe if the Kickstarter does well enough, she'll stay. No, um, I don't... I usually just talk for the dog and make silly noises and stuff.

I mean, she can't leave you. You already raised $48,000, so... God, that's crazy. That's insane. That doesn't sound right. Recount. So, I'm gonna guess where you go. Well, we know where Barov is. Friends center, baby! Yeah. Right there. Yeah, you are. You're in it to win it. Hell yeah. Alex, you can't die again. I will cry so much. No, I will cry on mic. I'm just gonna scatter you guys back here. I don't know where you're gonna be, but you can rearrange yourselves. I mean... This... Yeah. Yeah? Okay. Why is there muscle in the back? That is an excellent question. Who's muscle in the back?

Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I keep thinking Lani... Do you know what... Okay. Do you know what sucks? I think I'm confusing Ryan's characters, 'cause I keep thinking that Lannis is like... Not a thug, but like... He's all... Yeah. Lannis and Varys? Yeah, that's... No, not Varys. I don't know. Ryan's just had so many characters. I'm sorry, what? All my characters are melee. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, your last name is literally Daven. I just realized that. Oh my god, it is Daven. Random name generators. So you have to dab every time you start your turn. Oh, yes. That's how I cast my spells, is I dab.

Oh. Every spell has disadvantage. Every single one. Every person has advantage. Would you say that these ghasts that you're about to fight... Are they haters? Are you going to die? Yeah. They are haters. Okay, they are haters. Okay. You're gonna make my stomach hurt. That was so funny to me. Guys, do me a favor. Roll initiative. On the good ol'... Ah, that's a great start. Do I have to? I mean, maybe you do. Wow, that's a flat d12. Yeah, it's a flat. But you did 12. I'm gonna say 20. That's not true. You did 12. I got a 20, thanks Jason. Cool. Let's roll. Let's roll for these ghasts.

Damn. Oh wow, they rolled like shit, guys. Good. How did they all roll a seven? I don't think I did that correctly. Whatever. I guess it's just a one. I guess it's just gonna be a wave of ghasts. Did Fardas' arrow do any damage? That's a good question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do it. Give me... Let me see. Ghasts. What's the damage on that? Want me to roll it? Yeah. I can roll it. Please do. Sounded like a threat. It's hit. No, no, sorry, sorry. Let's say I was targeting this guy. I'm the closest one to you. Okay, that's this one. It won't let me do damage. Why not? I hit the damage button and it just...

Oh, there it goes. Oh, there it goes. Oh, well. There you go. I declare five H. Thalen! Alright. Well, I'm not gonna do good here. What's my speed? 30. Okay. Get in there, man. Mix it up. 15, 20. Alright, I'm gonna get right in front of this ghast. This guy. Pull out my battle... I have my battle axe out. And let's just swing and see if I can knock this guy out. 15 will hit. Alright. I swing and... You know, I really hurt him. Yeah, I did. Hurt his feelings. Yeah. That's important. We bring people down. We make their self-esteem so low. That's what we do as an Aladrin. Then we go for the kill.

Four damage. Anything else? No, I'm good. Oh, man. Dagon. Gonna whip out some of those warlock powers. I haven't heard this in such a long time. He tries to do things that remind him of when he was a Sion. As close as he can. It's not exact, obviously. But he is going to walk up over here. And I'm going to... Well, he's gonna raise his off-hand. He's got a sword in his right hand. He's gonna raise his left hand. And he's gonna fire out two crackling beams. One at ghast three and one at ghast one. This is Eldritch Blast. It was a little something like this. I gotta do one at a time, right?

Good. Yeah. Now, please tell me how I use Eldritch Blast. Because it just... I'm sorry. I'm not spells guy usually. Or cantrips, right? This is a cantrip. The utter confidence that you had walking into it is like, "No." I know, but looking at the list, it's like, "What do I click on you?" It's an error. If you click... See, I expanded it for you. And if you go into combat there, you just click the attack button. Just like it's an attack. Look at that. Sorry, what am I looking at? Go down to actions. Go down to which? Actions. The actions tab. Yeah, no, I'm there. Okay.

Wow, don't snap at me. Did I come out wrong? You're fine. Scroll down to where it says Eldritch Blast. And then you see the little police baton thing? Oh, at the top? Top left? It says "attack." I don't see that. Click on the magnifying glass. Click on the magnifying glass, then move all the way to the right. Now I see it. I saw it. I assumed you saw it. Okay. No, that's okay. I know what to do now, and I apologize for the delay there. None of that happened, and I'm just going to cast. You're fine. Hey, guess what? That hits. Awesome. Damage? Three damage. And now the other one?

You just cast your first warlock spell. How'd that feel? Oh, great. I assume because this is the closest probably to his psionic energy that he's going to get with this electrical coming out. So he's smiling definitely, because he loved using his psion powers. Let's go to the other guy. That'll also hit. Seven damage to gas number one. Would you like to do anything else, sir? I moved, what? One, two, three, four, five. I think I moved all my spaces, so I will... And my turn. All right. Safiya! Safiya. I'm just kidding. I didn't mean to say it, but I didn't mean to have it with such attitude.

No! I am going to move forward. Excuse me, Bardolph. Excuse me. To here. And then I am going to cast Thorn Whip on gas number three. Love it. Tic. Hey, that'll hit. Three damage! Does it get pulled over to you? Oh, yeah, I can. I can pull it ten feet closer to me. Do you want it closer to you? Yeah, of course. Okay. Wiggle, wiggle. Love it. Anything else? I think that's all I can do. All right. Okay. Never mind. I'm fine. What was that laugh for, Jason? I don't know. I was going to say something about Dagon's mommy is trying to take charge or something. I don't know. Just jump in.

Go ahead. Do it. Go ahead. No, it's Althea's turn. The mood's ruined. No, do it, Jason. Althea, your turn! Okay, everyone gets this why this is really weird for me, right? Okay. Oh, no, no. You're absolutely right. This is weird. Okay, so right up next to there. Okay. I think this is third level time, right? I don't know. I mean, it could be. When is third level time? I don't have very many offensive spells, so I'm going to create Tidal Wave. How do we justify that? Oh, wow. Susan, you just need a drop of water. That's horseshit. That's horseshit and we all know it. Justify that.

You pull the moisture from the air. You're Frozone. Yeah, you're Frozone. I don't know. There's a cave nearby. I don't know. Okay, I'll put it to it. It's a dank room. It's so dank. 420. Very dank. (Laughter) Holy shit! Super failed. They failed a lot. Okay, so here's what I'm thinking. Channeling my inner Ian again. Thanks, Ian. So there's these stalagtites hanging from the ceiling. They're dripping. They're going drip, drip, drip. Even though we couldn't hear them from far away. But there's something that's blocking us from being able to hear them. But now that I'm here, I can hear it and then I channel that water that's dripping up above us.

Almost like there's this underground stream I didn't know that was there before. But now that I'm channeling my magic, I can hear it and it pulls it from up above and it pushes them away. It comes down from the ceiling instantaneously and pushes them away. I love it. Does it do damage? Yes, it does. Does it only hit enemies and not...? It's a... I made sure to do this. It's a 30 foot long and 10 feet wide and I made sure that it was targeted on them. Thanks. Appreciative. So damage. Holy shit! And then it... Yeah, that makes sense. Third level. There's two effects.

So... it does 19 damage to both. Did you knock them twice? I'm sorry, I pressed it twice. There were two effects. I don't know how it happened, but yes, they're super prone. Okay. But they're both not prone. Okay. I love it. Anything else? No, that's it. But as the stalactites shoot out water, it knocks these two skeletons prone. Gotcha. Bardolph! You were pretty gung-ho about this fight. You still am. What are you talking about? Where's guest one? Right there? I'm gonna... Bardolph's gonna move his corner. See, Dagon, he's like, "Oh yeah, this is great!" And he's gonna shoot an arrow at the guest over here.

And I wanna make sure... Hold on. I have something for being first assassin. I have advantage on attack rolls on any creature that hasn't taken a turn in combat yet. Okay. Seems like this one. Definitely this guy. I only rolled once. Yeah, roll it again. Let's roll that again. Okay, so wait. Hold on. That was now at its disadvantage. What are you doing? Because they're prone. It's because they're prone and he's shooting with a... Oh yeah, they're prone! Yeah, it's hot. Take the four then. Yeah. Well, that's gonna miss. Yeah, that's the first... 'cause it cancels out.

Yeah. Good thing I fucking didn't assassinate. He pulls up to Dagon, "Oh yeah, this is great!" And he shoots an arrow and just like... Oh my god, that's just flying on the ground. Once again, the eyes roll. The eyes roll. I love Barnos so much! Uh, coming action as a bonus, I will... I'm good. I'm good. Pretty sure I'm delirious. Man, okay, these ghasts. So, there's nothing keeping them from standing back up, right? Okay, so... I guess not. Unless it's heavy water? I don't know if it was like a constant thing. Maybe they're wearing wool shirts? They're just not prone, Jason.

That's all. Okay! Okay. So, uh, Ghast 1 is gonna stand back up and he's gonna look at Thallin and he's gonna go, "Brah." And he is going to... That's not the noise he made. That's how I remember it. That was super intense. That was pretty... yeah. Jason, I was pouring water when you asked me. That's what I was like, "What are you talking about? Who are you talking to?" Oh, oh, I'm sorry. So, Thallin, he's gonna stand up and he's gonna try to take a bite out of Thallin. He's just gonna target him and he is going to try and bite. What? Wait, hold on. Why? Why disadvantage?

Because he's prone. There's double prone, remember? Oh, he's double prone! Oh my god, he was double prone! He was pro-prone. Wait, double prone! Hold on. I could roll it twice, Jason. Okay, that's fine. The hell was that? I dropped... I've been here since 12 as well. He got the same thing. Yeah, he did get the same thing, so that's gonna miss. I'm wasting everyone's time. Ghast number 2 is not prone at all. Okay, he's gonna whip around here and race around the corner and he is going to tap Dagon on the shoulder. Excuse me. He's going to try and claw, claw at Dagon.

So he's gonna use these nasty mitts. He's gonna swing and he's gonna... Oh shit. Oh, I was Dagon is what I... Well that's a crit. Let's see if we roll on the table. Ah, he is. It's an 18 on the table. Hold on, I'm looking for some sort of... You got an anti-crit spell in there somewhere? Ugh. This crit supersede any reactions? I mean, what's your reaction? I don't know, I'm looking. I know I got a couple. If this were for you, you'd have like 9 teleport spells. Yeah. I used to be able to teleport. No, it's a reaction, but I still have to take the damage. What happened?

Well, I'm gonna try and get the damage. Okay. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. We're going to first... Let's just get this damage out of the way. So, 21. Now I need you to roll a Constitution saving throw. All we're looking for is a 10. Just roll a 10. Okay, shit! It's 11! It's 11. It's okay. It's an 11. Oh man, when I saw that 9, I was like, one point. It's an 11. Oh my god, let's see what the table has to say about this... Jesus. Crits, crits, crits, crits, crits. Oh, yeah, no, sorry, that was a crit. I looked at fumbles. 18 is what he rolled, so he's going to...

Descentic... Crit. He is going to slam down on you with this claw and kind of shift through and strike your knee. In addition to standard critical hit damage, your target's leg is cut off at the knee. Oh no! Shit. No, no, no. So his claws are going to slice clean... That explains the damage. It's going to slice clean through your leg. So we're going to have to get you a badass robot leg. Yeah, and... Now can you hit up your patron again? I imagine Dagon's going to go down and just this blood curdling scream. I would imagine. Holy shit. Can it be my arm? I don't think he can touch that.

Oh, we already got one of those. Alright, can I still use my reaction? Oh yeah! Alright. It's a spell, I guess I'll have to use a spell slot too. That's okay. Ah, Hellish Rebuke. Good, good, good. That's a quality. You point your finger and the creature that damaged you is momentarily surrounded by hellish flames. You must make a dexterity saving throw. Let's see what he rolls. He's going to roll a 14. Which, let's see, dammit I forget the formula. Someone in the chat, formula for spell save DC. 8 plus proficiency plus casting. Yeah, it depends upon what your bonus is.

Yeah, whatever your casting modifier is. That is right, okay. Plus your charisma modifier then. So 3, yeah, yup. Plus 3. Yeah, 16. 16, you're good, he's going to fail. Okay, good, good, good. He's going to fail. He deserves to fail. Ah, so he takes 2d10 fire damage. No, that's on a failed save. Well, he did fail. Oh yeah, sorry. Wow, I must be tired too. You got your leg cut off, you're all frazzled. Yeah, okay, I'm going to give you 2d10. Okay, let's do it. Wow, 15 damage. Oh wow. Ha ha ha ha. So, that's ghast 3, right? No, sorry, ghast 2 is the one who hit you. Ah, never mind.

So 15 damage to ghast 2. Anything else? Yeah, that was my reaction. Yeah, never mind, sorry. I see the problem with all these ghasts taking their turn one after another. Okay, so I've used a spell slot and I'm missing a leg from the gown. Is it my left or my right? It's important. Give me a flat d20, 1 through 10, it's your left. 11 through 20 and it's your right. Oh, that's solid left. It's so left. It's not left actually, it's gone. But, okay. Sorry. Ghast number 3. Can I ask one question? Sure. Is it bleeding? Just because he's got like hot touch or something.

He's not a lightsaber, no. I've never dealt with this before. Okay, I'm sorry, I'll paint a picture. So this ghast is going to race around the corner, almost like he's playing a game of tag. Like he is just streaking over towards you. And he is going to jump up and slice down and just take your leg clean off. Like with a scooping motion. Like your leg is probably going to go a good 10, 15 feet kind of sputter. You're probably wearing boots so you're going to hear that clatter. But the sound really isn't really what you're worried about. The river of blood that is now spurting from where your leg used to be.

Just coating the floor. Like a lot of wet plat plat plats. Because I imagine you're reaching for it to try to hold this in. You're probably going to need a tourniquet. Okay. Well that did it, thank you. No problem, I'm here to help. Ghast number 3 is going to take a swing, oh god please don't crit, at Sathya. He's prone by the eye. Fuck, he's double prone. Here. Let me take away some of these prones. Okay. He's going to target Sathya. And swing! Oh my god. That's a 22. Okay. Boy, I need you to do me a favor and roll a con saving throw. A con saving throw you say? A con saving throw, we're just looking for a 10.

As Sathya's being struck here, just a second or two later, obviously your reaction is like "oh no!" Like you're going to reach for the wound, but your body's going to tense up as you reach for this wound. And you're going to freeze. Like you're going to be paralyzed. Like there's some sort of paralytic in their claws. And you're just going to stand here, helpless. What the fuck? I'm not what I was expecting, I thought I was going to be poisoned. Well, no. Gas number 4 is... oh man. Literally smells blood and is going to race up to Dagon. Oh no, he has advantage doesn't he?

Well, wait. Well yeah, he does. Dang it. You know what? I'm going to roll a d20. Hold on. Oh, he's actually going to see Althea and... Okay. You're pulling punches. I'm not pulling punches. Before you attack Althea, I'm going to use protection and give disadvantage on your roll. Where was that when he attacked me? You have to be a pretty grandma, apparently. I should have stayed within 5 feet of you. Where was that when he attacked me? Okay. Here's some claws. Disadvantage, you say? Yes. Oh, okay. Well... We're going to drop that 19. Oh my god. I have a 10 AC. Yeah, but...

What? Why? Wizard. Michael Dornback's so surprised. Yeah, Michael. How many Ammons of Health do you have? Oh, let's see. Okay, here we go. I have a lot of Ammons of Health. That's going to do 12 damage. Could you do me a favor and roll a Constitution saving throw? One point. Fine. Oh my gosh. Boy, howdy. I'm doing great, right? You're doing so good. Just so good. I forgot to paralyze Safiya, so everyone's paralyzed. Yay! That's going to do it for gas number 4. This is... not good. This is just going tits up real quick, huh? We're supposed to be a super group? What? So at first it was like, oh, it's just like 4 gas or whatever.

It seemed like it wasn't looking too worried. But then suddenly there's all this blood everywhere and people are screaming and paralyzing. It's like, oh, okay. So she is going to walk up here and make sure not to step in the blood puddle. Can I show for that leg? Yeah. I'm just going to really make sure not to get anything on her clothes. And I'm going to use a Scorching Ray because these guys probably don't like fire, maybe, hopefully. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. I don't know. So I'm looking at the different options here. So how does advantage stuff work again?

If you have advantage against all these guys because they're all standing next to some of your teammates, so go nuts. I'm going to look at the ones that are already wounded a bit just to hopefully knock some of them out. Uh, yeah. Let's see. Attack. Whoa. Uh oh. Holy shit! I think I might have accidentally double clicked it. Yeah, that was double. We're going to go for the second one, not this version. Well, okay. Hold on. Okay. This is democracy, right? We're going to go for the second one. Two, three. That's advantage, isn't it? Yeah, actually it is. That's right.

I didn't hit the advantage thing. I just did it. So second ones. Put it on it! Wow. Okay. Ultra confusing, but eventually you do hit everything. Oh man. Okay. So, um, It's way too late in the day for these numbers, man, by the way. So what everybody says is walk up and not step in anything. And then she's going to throw out her hand and these three beams of dark, like, shatters that are going to come out of it. But then as they like leave her hand, it's going to turn into fire and it's going to slam into all three of these. So retarget. Love it. Oh shit. Wait. That was the attack again.

Gotcha. I was about to say, how many times you going to attack? You got him! You did it! There! Perfect. Thank you. Five damage to everybody. Everyone gets it. Yeah. Okay. Is that it? That's it. Yeah. Okay. Sweet. Lannis. Uh, and still stay behind the party quite a bit. And then look at Dagon. Mr. Arkanscape, please try not to get hit this time. And then he's going to use, uh, life transference. So while maintaining his glance over at Dagon, he is going to, uh, his hands are going to start glowing purple and he's going to shove them in his gut. He is going to take 48 necrotic damage.

Oh my God. And then Dagon gets healed twice that. Wow. That's a little unnecessary. And his leg goes back. That's amazing. Uh, wow. Okay. That's pretty baller. Okay. So Dagon, you're, uh, yeah, you're all healed up, buddy. Doing good. So this leg wound is going to seal shut. You're still missing a leg though. Below the knee. So then as a bonus action, he will cast shield of faith on Mr. Arkanscape. Probably a good idea. Wow. Very nice. Anything else, Lannis? Nope. That's it. That's about as much as I could do. I'm going to put something on the table here. I want to offer a lifeline to the party and I feel bad for, I feel, I feel, I feel bad for James the most because right out of the gate, you lost a leg.

So I am willing to make a deal with you, James. Okay. I am willing to give Dagon inspiration right this second. If you call Susan mommy one time. Oh my God. Wow. Are you sure Jason's not your patron? Are you sure it's just this? I'm going to take my earplug out and you can do whatever you want. That's no fun. I didn't. I was lying. I'm just going to listen and then feel bad. Okay. Okay. Here's it. I gotta go. Can you kiss my leg better, mommy? Oh wow. Totally worth it. Totally worth it. No, it's not because James and I had like a deep conversation about Maddy and Missoka at Dragoncon for like three hours.

Inspiration given. Oh my God. Can I have one for listening to? You know what? I, yeah. You know what? You absolutely can. Cause I can't mute. That was so bad that you both get inspiration. Excellent. Good sports. Good sports. Was that worth it, chat? Was that... What? He has his leg back? No. It's a leg of inspiration. James, I don't think I'll be able to hug you with an extra hug. This is going to be a slap. Oh, this would happen to hour eleven of... Oh God. Okay. What the hell are we even doing here? What's happening? Who's up? Fallon! You're up. Oh! Ooh! I get to do a new thing.

I'm so sorry. Don't you lair action us. I'm not lair actioning, but I need you to roll a constitution saving throw, please. I suppose. All I'm looking for is a tin. Okay. Yeah, you're good. Nevermind. As you were. Alrighty. So, hearing Dagon scream and hearing the commotion, Fallon gives in to his anger and rages as a bonus action. Nice. And therefore, I'm going to then attack this ghast. And... attack. That'll hit. And then, since I've not r- I've never played a barbarian on fantasy rounds, I have to add, I think I add damage. You have to do it manually. Oh, okay.

Alright. Bottle slash three plus five. Nice. And... this is seven. Okay. I love it. I'll remember that for the future. Yes. Seven damage. Guess what? I'm not going to ask you for another constitution save. Excellent. Because you did so well. Oh! And you killed the ghast! That's what I was hoping for. The extra two damage did it. I had to do the math. Oh, he suddenly died. Dagon, how you livin'? I was going to move, by the way. Oh, God! I'm such a dick. I'm so sorry. No worries. I didn't want to move if he was still alive, so that was just my thing. Alright. I will actually move up right between everyone, so I should be roughly five feet from everybody, except for Bardolph and everyone else.

I like it. Alright. Now I'm done. Okay. Dagon, you're up. Hi. So, I'm obviously down on the ground. I would imagine. And I don't really have anything to support myself to get up. Well, you got your friends. You can lean on them. In the middle of combat? Look, man. I'm trying to give you everything here. Thank you. I'll take it. Okay. Wow. Okay, I'm just looking for something. Okay, I did that already. Wow, this is, uh... You know what? He's just going to do the Eldritch Blast again because he's got two targets right in front of him. He is horrified and angered at the same time.

So, this time when he comes out, his hand is going to be covered in this purplish smoke because he's really channeling the demon here. And he'll blast off a couple of electric beams. Let's do Gaston 2 first. Wait. I don't know what happened there. Oh, you're targeting yourself! What? That makes sense. He's just like, "Fuck this. Hello?" I'm only targeting myself? Now who am I targeting? The ghast and yourself. Now the ghast. Okay, can I just do that again? What am I doing here? You know what? Because I'm going to... Do I need to use inspiration for my idiot? No, you hit the ghast.

The first roll would have been for the ghast if not for you striking yourself. I'll just punch myself in the nuts. Like, "What are you doing?" So he uses motivation. I am so sorry for getting you to play into that, by the way, because the chat is the chat. What's going on in the chat? I haven't looked. Don't look at the chat. Four damage to the ghast. Okay, and... Okay, the next one. Let's do it. Don't you get advantage to pick a different one? Wait, I get inspiration? Don't use your inspiration. Use the advantage. Okay, well I'll just roll that again. But it's not a crit miss.

It's not a crit miss. You don't lose your other leg. Your fucking other leg just pops off. (laughter) Can I? I don't know, I only know Rogues in 5e. Can I disengage from this? Well that would have been your action if you did. Well fuck that. That's the Rogue thing, is that you don't have to use an action to do that. All the plebes have to go. No. I'm not so learned. Okay. Oh. I forgot to do a thing. Man, you're lucky. I forgot to do a thing with you. That's okay. Safiya? Could you do me a favor and roll a constitution save? Sure. Thank you. You're good. Am I still paralyzed?

Oh yeah, you are. What? That just...like I beat the thing. Oh, that was for something different. That was for a different thing that the ghasts have. Do I get to roll for paralyzed? You know what? I think you're just paralyzed. But you know what? I'll double check just to make sure. Okay. I'll absolutely double check. Consult the rulebook. You're incapacitated and cannot move or speak. You automatically fail strength and dexterity saving throws. Attackers have advantage and any attack that hits and is made from within 5 feet is a crit. Mm-hmm. That's stupid. I'm gonna tell you that right now.

It's the stupidest rule I've ever heard. I will take it up with Johnny Wizards at the next meeting. And we'll sit and talk about it. Cool. I love you. Yeah, whatever. Afiya! Are you done ruining everyone's dreams, Jason? Ah, Sari-san's not over yet. [Laughing] That's what I think of this. Yeah, that sums it up. [Laughing] I think I'm gonna do Agonar's Scorcher, which is basically the opposite of Tidal Wave. Okay. Where does the fire come from? It creates a line of fire instead of water. Okay. I'm gonna do this on gas 4 and gas 5. So I'm thinking it's like a diagonal wall going into the actual wall so I don't hurt any of my friends.

You know, because I'm a team player and all that. I don't know it. I cast it twice. High five! I pressed it twice and then because the first time never counts. I know. I had advantage on it. So again, you also did the right thing. Okay. Is that a crit on one of them? So wait. No. Oh no, wait. Never mind. No, they have to save. Aw, damn. You did it. Gas 2. You hit gas 2. You hit gas 2? Okay, I hit gas 2. You hit gas 2? I pressed the button twice because it never does it the first time, but then when I press it twice it always does it twice. I don't know why. I mean, I'm not upset.

You're fine. Okay, I'm so sorry. Stop. Please don't stop yelling at me. Tough damage to the gas. Oh god. Anything else? Wait. Okay, so again, channeling my inner Ian. So as this, this is all six seconds spanned, right? Like I create this wall of water that slams down from above, but then after that dissipates and these ghasts are standing drenched in water, they look up and they start attacking everybody. They tear off my, I can't even say this out loud, my son's. They cut off my son's leg and the water is dripping over them and then all of a sudden that water starts turning into steam.

You see it like dissipating up into the air and almost they don't even realize what's happening as it turns into steam and then whoosh, this flame wall appears from underneath them where the water was. And it burst up, but one avoids it. They saw the water wall appear over. There's a half damage. Oh, is it a half damage? Yeah. Oh shit. Ian, how do I do that? Control click. Wait, 12. So six damage. I'll just do six damage. Okay. So this wall of flame comes up as the steam starts, they realize that the steam's rising from them and this wall of flame comes up from beneath them where the water was.

I love it. Again, like I've been listening to Ian for like three hours. Ian is always my inspiration. Hashtag inspiration. Anything else? I might take a step back. That's not the worst idea. Bard off. Yo. Cunning action. Disengage. For sure. Probably go here. And I'll use a short bow. I love it. Do I get advantage because James is there? Yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Advantage. Let's double click it. Hopefully it doesn't roll four times. Perfect. Oh baby. That's a critical hit. Do me a favor, roll a d6. Let's see if we're going to roll on that table. No. We're not. But that's okay.

Do a little shift click for that damage. Click happening. Oh, it killed it. Oh, but I have sneak attack. Well, you could still hit it, but like... No, it's okay. So Bard off just looks at Dagon's leg falling to the ground. Blood everywhere, Dagon screaming. He goes, "Oh, that sucks." And then just kind of rolls out of the way. Rolls behind him and then takes a shot at the ghast to his left. Love it. And that's it. Okay. Ghast number three. Hey, Karen. Mm-hmm. I made a whoopsie doodle. Oh, did you? I did. And I have to apologize. You do get a chance to try and break free of that paralysis.

You got to roll a saving throw again. And it was completely my bad. So it would be at the end of your turn anyway. But you want to see if you're... Yeah, I'd love to see if I could break this. Oh, let's do it. That way you don't have advantage/critical. Yeah, like that's not... I think I just have to beat its head, right? Yep, you're good. I didn't know if it was different after you've been paralyzed, but yes, my bad. You're no longer paralyzed. Thank God. Alright. Anyway, this ghast is going to try and claw you. Perfect. Pro-tection. Okay, good. That worked really well last time.

I know, right? I'm sorry. I love you, Michael. Here we go! That's... wait, that wasn't disadvantage at all. Nope. Oh, wait. I'm an idiot. It still thought you were paralyzed, so let me just roll again. Well, 17 will hit. Okay. Nine damage. I don't think you have to... oh boy, it does not say that you're immune after... sorry, repeat the save... So could you do me a favor and give me a Constitution saving throw? I would love to. Awesome. Oh my God. I hate everything. I'm so sorry. I'm actually going to wrap it up and call it a night, so bye, Abby. Gas number four. You know what?

Gas number four is going to target Thalit. Okay. Not Althea, but... stop it. No. I'm going to back him off. Bam, there we go. For some reason, the table gets confused sometimes, so here we go. He's going to do some claws. Are you ready? He's going to miss. I can't wait to crush you. Eridice! That's me. Let's do it. So I'm just going to target this one, and I'm going to use Fire Bolt, just so I can't change. And this time I'm going to hit the advantage button, and I'm only going to hit the attack button once. Boom. Wow. Text, woof. Never mind. At least you dropped the crit miss, so...

Yeah, so that's still a nine. That's... That's it. That's my turn. I am sorry. Lannis! So, who's all paralyzed? Me. So he will use... what was it? Lesser Restoration? To go ahead and unparalyze you. Hey! So you don't have to deal with that. And then I think that's about it. Yeah, that's about all. That was my full action, and I don't really have much else, so... But that's... like, that could have been a lifesaver. Hopefully. Balin, how you feeling? I'm ready to kill this thing and move on to actually saving the Eladrin. Are you saying that you guys have not done that yet?

We need to find that device. If we make it out of here. Alright. There's one Eladrin you can save. I will target Gast Four, because he did a pathetic attack at me, and so I shall, while I'm raging, just come back swinging and attack him. And... oh, do I get advantage? Because... You absolutely do. Yeah. Advantage. And... attack. How about 22? Yeah, that'll hit. Let's do it. Alright. I'm raging, so I'll make sure I do the plus two. And slashing. Six. Six damage. Love it. Yeah. So amazing. Alright. You know what? I think I'm good right here. Let's move on. Alright, Dagon. Hi.

Okay. Now that Dagon's shock has moved on in the last, what, eight seconds? Yeah, totally. He's gonna realize that he should probably back up. So I'm going to disengage. And I assume that's all I can do? That's your action? Yeah, you're disengaged, yeah. So that's it. Okay. Alright. Zephia, you get to turn. I'm gonna hit this thing. Let's do it! I'm gonna pull up my swords. I'm gonna hit it. Let's do it. Great. It's okay, I have another sword. Okay, let's do it then. Or actually, just kidding, I have a sickle. Whatever. Awesome! I helped you for nothing. I... ...used my bonus action to cry.

You're a waste of an Aladrin life. My god! Wow! Now that's a crit. Take that, Cairne's Feelings! I've been through a lot today, guys. Althea! Althea, this is going great! It sounds like it. It sounds like it's going real great. What should I do, Jason? Just tell me what. If you could kill these two ghasts, that'd be great. What? What should I do? What was that? Just kill the two ghasts. Just take 'em out. I don't know if I can do that. Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm willing to make a bargain with you right now. Okay, cool. Oh god. Watching Dagon back up like this with one leg... ...has got to be very traumatic for Althea.

Yes. So, I am willing, right now, to say that Althea guns these two ghasts down in a fit of rage. If, somewhere in the sentence, you can throw my little daggy-waggy in here... Oh my goodness! I would really appreciate that if you could do that. Jason. Susan. Okay, Jason. But I have both my hands over my cheeks right now, like, ugh. I'm proud of you. You're gutting it out. You ran a 5k today, then did this. That was like 8am, whatever. I'm just saying, this is not the hardest thing you've done today. I think you're abusing your position, Jason. Jason, I thought you were my friend.

I am absolutely your friend. Are you? 100%. That's why, look, I'm giving you the edge. You can fight the ghasts. What do I have to say again? My little daggy-waggy. I don't have something to attack both of them because I don't want to attack my friend, Safiya. I mean, there's a simple phrase that gets you out of this. Okay, well. Okay. I have another level 2 spell. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Listen, I'm telling you, you don't need to cast a spell at all. I'm taking care of it. All you gotta do is say the thing. Oh, really? That will kill them? Yeah. Oh my gosh, guys, I don't even care anymore.

Let me set a scene. You know what? Here. I'm gonna help you out. I'm gonna lift some of this burden. No, I got this, guys. Dagon steps back. Well, he tried. He stumbles back with half his leg missing. Blood is spurting out from this wound. He sits back next to his mother, stumbles into her arms. Right? Because she's standing right there. She holds him and then, "Oh, my little daggy-waggy." And then she casts some spell that Jason justifies as the DM. You're welcome. This annihilates them. Yes. And Dagon puts his thumb in his mouth. Oh, God. I tried to make this serious, James.

You did, and I appreciate that. How is daggy-waggy serious? I said it with a serious voice. That's true, yeah. I heard serious, serious. So, what a harrowing battle. A leg was lost, dignity was lost, a lot of things were lost. A sticky-waggy whale. Can you say it again? I'm going to give you guys a choice. Now, we could do this one of two ways. We could either break this up into a few sessions. We can keep going. We can revisit this a couple of times to see if you make it through and find this artifact. Or you can take what's behind door number two. Now, door number two is an accelerated version of this, but it also comes with some danger.

Now, essentially, what we would do is simulate the rest of this dungeon like a bad Madden career. Like a skill check challenge? A little bit. My favorite. It's up to you guys. Or do you want to leave it to the listeners? I would. Yeah? Yeah, that's the issue. Okay. Listeners, in the chat, impromptu vote. Short or long? Type one of those. Boy, I couldn't. Why did I toss that out? Stop talking about mommy and son simulators and the brother son's boob. Wow. I can't count that fast. I can't either. I should have had a guess. Floppy. I see a lot of mommy. Sorry. Medium? Okay.

You know what? We're going with short and medium. And floppy. We're going with short and floppy. That's how we're doing it. All right. Accelerating. Short and floppy. Here we go. Semi chub. I believe the name of the boat was half chub. Half chub. Half chub. Half flub. I'm guessing that you guys want to heal up real quick. Oh, boy, yes. I'm fine. Whatever. Go ahead and do that. Did I mention? Are you taking a short rest? Let's say you are. Short rest. Okay, so Susan, you get spell slots. Oh, I get spell slots. Yeah. And then I'm going to do prayer of healing. Okay. So 17 for everybody that's injured.

And I'm secretly one of the lizard folk and I can regenerate limbs. I like that the lizard folk. It looks like Lannis is the one that's the most hurt. Lannis is doing fine. Lannis, did you heal yourself? Ryan? Yes. Did you heal yourself? Nope. Not yet. Okay. I'm going to have to do the hit die. Let's do it. Yeah. Okay. So 27 I get healed. So that's going to bring me to full. Whoa. When do we get spell slots? Is that a long rest? Everyone except your mom. No, don't do that. Tell me it's up to your friends. Are we going to start the your mom jokes here? Okay. Here's what we're going to do.

Althea, you're going to be at full too because you get the 17 HP because of prayer of healing. Was I hit? Yeah, you were at like half. Yeah. Jeez. Yeah, so everybody's at full. Okay, good. I'm glad because the accelerated version of this saves time, but it's much more dangerous. So let's go. I love it. Here's what we're going to do. I'm staying here in this room. I'm just a burden. So what I'm going to ask you guys to do. Dagon, piggyback. Not with this mom. I just I cast fly and I just hover the whole way. Don't touch anything. Don't touch anything. Don't touch anything.

Just hovering down. I can't set off any traps that way. That's true. So here's what we're going to do. The magic number is 50. So what we're going to do is a fun little thing I just pulled out of my ass on the spot. Because that's where we're at, everybody. You are going to take turns rolling a d20. Now, this represents all of your skill and luck at the same time. So as we roll, the higher the number, the better. And we're going to kind of describe what happens as we go here. But you're going to pick up on these rules really quick. Who would like to be our first candidate?

Who hasn't rolled tonight? Who hasn't had a chance? This is blind luck. It doesn't matter. Sure. Is it just a 20? It's just a 20. All right. Oh, that is beautiful. So here's what's going to happen. Every time you roll and you roll above a 15, you take no damage. Because it's as if you guys are just clicking on all cylinders, right? Now we're going to take that 16 and we're going to put it in a pot. 16 right there. Now you roll. In the pot? In the pot. You're not really making munchies? You've been in California too long. Now the goal is to continue racking up points until you reach 50. 50 and you have essentially found the thing that you're looking for.

Okay. Does that point towards the 50 only count if you roll above a 15? No. Anything. However. If we roll less, we take damage and stuff. Yeah, Kelsey's getting it. Now, here's the thing. You're going to take 2d10 damage every time you fall five below that. So if you roll, say, a 14, well that's 2d10 damage. If you roll a 10 or under, that's another 2d10 damage. If you roll under a five, don't roll under a five. Jason, you're sounding too cheery. I'm not. You know why I'm cheery? Because you guys are going to roll great. Point of clarification. Is that for the person that's rolling or the group?

Oh, the party. Oh my goodness, Jason. Okay, another clarification. In between, can we take a 10 minute break to do a prayer of healing? Like, at least twice? I would say that in this instance, I'm going to let you spend hit die, but nothing more. Okay. Fair enough. All right, I'll go next. Let's do it, baby. Whoops. Oh, God damn it, Bartle. 4d10 damage. Let's do it. 4d10. I'm going to die. This is for everybody. I mean, Alex has got to roll it. 4d10. Everybody gets the damage? Jason, I thought you were a friend. Oh, look at that shit. We really lucked out with that one.

Oh, yeah, you did. I rolled. So guess what? We're going to add that seven to the pot. You're up to 23, guys. Can we get back our health? Well, you could spend. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to add 13 damage to everybody. And you guys can choose to spend hit die if you want. I will spend some. Yeah, spend. Let's do it. My hit dies are d6. I might as well. I rolled one. Oh, right. I get a plus 32. Yeah, I'm better. I have one. I'm not using it yet. Oh, my God. Even I'm channeling your role. Welcome. Does it matter? Michael, why are you doing this to me? Wizards are cursed.

They are. Michael, why didn't you tell me? I'm just going to say it's because I'm not rolling hit die. Could you just roll a d6 for me for funsies? Sure. Sure. In this realm, I have all the hit points. Zara world right now. I'm absorbing all of Ambin's health. Michael. All right. That's where it's been going. Who's next? I'll go. Okay, let's do it. Give me a flat d20. I apologize in advance. You got this. 13. That's not bad. It's just 2d10. 2d10. Okay. Also manageable. Yeah. Eight damage to everybody. How many times do I have to do this? Till you get to 50. Oh, yeah, right.

Are we resting again? We must be close now. You're up to 36, guys. Did you add damage to yourselves or am I doing it? No, I can add mine. Oh, well then I only healed six. Eight. Yeah. So let me get rid of that. Yeah. All right. And then this time I'll... How do we do that? You just type it in the HP. Oh, yeah. Just type it. Yeah, under worms. Yeah. So, okay. I have not done a hit die on multi-class character. You can roll whatever you want. Oh, okay. Oh, I see two, three, one. Oh, okay. So I can do it. Yeah. Basically when you run out, you run out. Jason can add eight to my damage because I can't seem to do it.

Sure. I got you. Thank you. Gotcha. Yeah, that's good. Okay. Are we good? Mm-hmm. Karen. Yeah. You're up. Yeah, I was going to do it anyways, so... Oh my. That was not me. That was take off. I don't know. That was the... You can't roll two ones for healing so hard. Oh, you gave me a heart attack. It's okay. Jason. No. Okay. Hey, I did that. It's okay. I did that too. I did that. It's okay. Listen. We just got one more dice to go. Right. We just need to get another seven. Forty-three. Forty-ten, Karen. Oh, that's me. Karen, keep it low. One, two, three, four. Yeah, you have 43 total.

I'm losing you. That's five to ten. Oh, I'm trying to kill one. Roll it again. Can we roll again? Yeah, you can drop that eight. Yeah, roll it again. Oh no. That's not how you roll. 27 points. Oh, that's not how you roll. Yeah, roll it again. Twenty-seven damage to everyone. I'm sorry. Oh, that's right. So add that to your, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got you, James. I'm dead. Well, you're not. Now, here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Because this is a simulation. Roll some hit die. So do the total damage, and then we'll see if we can whittle that down with some hit die.

This is a simulation. Oh, no, I'm super dead. Me too. You're not super dead. I'm ten above dead, and I keep rolling ones. Oh, well, that's not great. Don't do that. Oh, man. I'll just keep rolling. Three hundred and seven. There we go. Hard-ass back, baby. 13 HP. Oh, we can try to roll out of this with our hit die? Okay. Yeah. There we go. Nice. Jason, I'm going to roll a d10 plus three, because I accidentally spent a hit die earlier when I didn't need to. I'm out of hit dice. I am a huge. So. Four. Another one. Why do the dice hate you tonight? I don't know, Karen. It's fine.

This is the last one. Okay, let me ask a question. How many of you still have hit die? Nope. I have one left. I have three. I'm out. I love this so much. Do you feel that tension? Jason. Do you feel it in the air? Susan? Oh, very. Okay. I do not. Susan. Every theory is on. There is some weird meme creative. Yeah, I'm not. I don't approve of what's going on. I don't approve of what's going on in our chat. But compared to a bear game, how are we measuring? Oh, man. Mom gates way worse than bear. The bear gate. Skeletal reach around. Okay, Susan, take us home. All you gotta do is, okay, well.

Oh, God. That did it. Don't you have inspiration as well? Wait, do you want to roll your inspiration? Yeah, I do. Because I don't want to die. What do I have to do? Build it up for me. 15 or higher. This is what you're doing before. Okay, listen to me. Okay. Not only do you have to get at least seven, everyone has to be alive to cross the finish line. Those that die, well, they're dead. So that 10 right now sets that right now, everyone's taken damage, but you can fix that. Wait, you could fix that right now. You just said I had to get at least seven. Oh, yes, but they still take damage.

You're saying if you don't want us to die. Yeah. Well, I'm going to die with you guys, but we'll see. Just roll higher. No, okay. I'm going to do this, guys. I got this. Yes, you are. You got it. I got this. Well. Can I get my inspiration die? Yes. You can. There you go. I will give her my inspiration die. All right. So, Susan, you get one more shot at this. You've rolled a 10 and an 11. What do I have to get? Well, 15 would be great. Okay. Nope. Well, okay, we're taking the 11. Let's take the 11. Now, all is not lost. All you need to do, Susan, is not kill everyone. Oh my goodness.

So do me a favor. Jason. Roll 2d10 for me, Susan. How much? Less than 13. 2d10. Less than 13. 2d10? 2d10. Oh my goodness. Oh my God. 66. No. Everyone. I just killed them. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Jason. Yes. In the midst of all of this, would I be able to use life transference one more time to sacrifice myself for Lady Arkanscape? Can I take the second roll? You know what? I like the sound of that, Lannis. Okay. I all had to be alive though. No, no, not everybody. Not everybody. So at the final step, I picture us in the final room. We are right there.

We could see it down the hallway and someone's getting ready to do the final blow on Othea. And then. Hold on. I'm sorry. I think I'm dead too right now. Wait. Can I use shield? It gives me plus five AC. No, no, no. No spells. No, no, no. So right before she gets struck, I'm going to take the second roll. And then she gets struck. My hands glow purple and I dig them inside my gut again and end up taking a lot of damage, more damage than what? I mean, I have 32 wounds, so I'm not going to survive this. But Othea would end up getting healed two times the amount of damage that I get take.

So that would be, I would take 19 damage and die. So check this out. So, Eridice, did you take damage? Yeah, I added it. Okay. So I'm not dead. That's good. No, you're not. You're one hit point away. Safiya, did you take damage? I sure did. Bardolph, is that accurate? Bardolph is dead dead. He is negative five. Negative five dead. Six for six days and keeping the streak alive. Guys. Ryan dies again. This one was for a cause though. This one was the only one by choice. That was for a cause. You chose. Okay, here we go. Dagon, Safiya, Othea, Eridice, you will make it to the end of this dungeon.

You lost two people along the way. But you made it. And you did get the urae on. And I think that is a good time for us to stop for the evening. And we're going to pick up with you. I'm going to pick up with you. Jesus. Thanks everyone for joining the Rogue Aladrin team. Oh yeah. It was fun. It was awesome. It was fun. That was a cool one.