The Family

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(CLINKING) Peacocks. This summer, during the biggest sporting event of the year, Peacock turns to two broadcasting legends for the Olympics coverage you can't find anywhere else. Um, I think they mean us. Oh, s***. Um... (CLEARS THROAT) With an incredible duo sure to take home the comedy gold, Olympic Highlights with Kevin Hart and Kenan Thompson. New episodes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Only on Peacock. Coming to Apple TV+ on August 9th. You're the Marine? Yeah. You're the ex-con. Yeah, I did time, but you don't gotta cast aspersions at me. From the director of Mr. and Mrs.

Smith and The Bourne Identity comes a new film. This your first job? I know what I'm doing. I'm late for a crit change. Starring Matt Damon. Everybody in New England is after us. And Casey Affleck. Go, go, go, go, go! What are you doing? Taking notes. Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. The Instigators. Rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV+. Howdy everybody, welcome to another episode of Dungeons & Randomness. We have a brand new overseer for you today. It is incredibly silly. I don't know why you'd expect anything else at this point. Um, but before we get to that, um, I wanted to tell you guys about Obsidian Portal.

Because, um, the folks behind it hit me up, and I honestly haven't taken a look at it in years. We've been using World Anvil. World Anvil's fantastic. Uh, that doesn't mean that there isn't room for another website that helps you plan out your campaign, keeps notes of relevant things, and allows you to share it with other people. I remember getting into D&D, and Obsidian Portal was just the go-to. Like, I couldn't think of another website that was doing what they did at that time. And I still love their interface. I just use notebooks for everything. But if you haven't taken a look at the website in a while, please go check it out.

Because I really like the stuff that they've improved on, and I wouldn't be telling you that if I didn't mean it. So, without further ado, I'll get out of your way. There's a few words we need to hear from our sponsors on, and then we can get on with the brand new overseers. Don't go anywhere, everybody. We'll be right back. Oooooooh, let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves! I'm Jason. I'm the Dungeon Master going around the table! Starting with Jameson. Hi, this is Jameson. I play Cave Loring, the Walking Disaster. That's a title I think you're going to have to...

All four of you are in the running right now after serious fun. And Xavier. Hi, I'm Xavier, and I play Dr. Chapman, the Lizardfolk Doctor? I'm also a walking disaster, but I'm much slower. My walking speed is much slower. I just realized after every bit, it's like I play... There's a question mark after everything, even like cleric. Or not cleric, but healer. General doctor? Practitioner? Health practitioner. And Valerie. Hi, I'm Valerie, and I play Linda Wright, the Human Bard and newest White Power Ranger. I'm... true. Listen, I'm just really excited about the... because it's my new armor.

I have it written down right here. White with black inlays, and I just think of the White Power Ranger. I'm just glad Ranger came at the end of that, because I thought this session was going a way different place. Oh no! I was jammed inside. Valerie, no! I saw it in your face. And Jasper. Hello, I'm Jasper. I play Flos Valal, who... I just play Flos Valal. He's definitely a barbarian. He's definitely a warforged. He doesn't remember that he's a walking disaster, because his brain doesn't work very well. He's the luckiest one of all, honestly. Other than that, he's great.

Yeah. Well, uh... Good boy. Where do we even start today, guys? We left the session off at a very weird place. Bits and pieces of armor started clinging to you. Things were just happening out of nowhere. Linda shouting for the gods to do anything. And it did, just many miles away. Just away. And yeah, there's a lot going on. One of you is dressed head to toe. And again, picture the big daddy suit. Like that big, hulking, like you are weighted down head to toe. What do you guys want to do? Like, where do you go from here, honestly? And I've been meaning to ask you this for like two months, but like, what do you...

It's still nighttime? Yeah, you tell me. So I think that after taking a long moment, I feel like there's this very pregnant silence for a minute. Oh yeah, it's super long. Like, three of us are standing there in new armor. One of us is standing there in a puddle of their old armor. New old armor. And Cave's just like pinching his bridge of his nose, like, ahh. Okay. I'm going to check into our hotel. I would like the three of you to come with me. We're going to sit down and we're going to talk about some things. Because I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.

And I need to understand some things. And I hope that you guys are willing to help me deal with this. Because I didn't bring enough liquor for this trick. And there's a whole jug in the cart. And it's not enough. Does anybody have anything fucking crazy they want to do before we go to the hotel? What's left to do? I'm leaving myself open to be surprised. I picture, like, okay, the pregnant Paulson, you just asking everybody. And like, it's really quiet because it's in the middle of the... It's still kind of a busy town, so I just picture, like, cats or something.

Like, waiting outside for eateries to toss things out so it's just... Like, in the distance. Like, just... There's a certain time of night. If you are... If you had a similar college experience to me, where you're out drinking past a certain time of night... Waiting for the eateries to throw out food. Yeah. You get to a point where you have time to reassess, like, in the stillness of the early morning, where you're like, "I'm on a path right now. I need to think about what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and where this is going to end up." I feel like that's very much the vibe of...

You know, it's not even that late at night, I don't think, but... No. We got there fast. Yeah, and it's just... I mean, in the span... Like, think about this realistically. In the span of ten minutes, let's say... One of you has shed human skin. [laughs] Mystical armor comes out of nowhere and straps itself. The mob wants to speak with you about Linda shouting to the gods. There's a lot going on in the span of ten minutes. Honestly, this may be the last time you leave camp. Because it's like, it's too... I don't have it in me. Like, I don't have it in me to go to the city.

Less than 24 hours ago, we were fighting the crazy hedge druid in the woods. Yeah. And, you know, and Linda died. This trip has only gotten weirder since... The further you get away from Twin Oaks, the more it happens. I'm afraid to see what happens at the peak. After the cave's very, very... I think nobody's focus would be anywhere else. Just looking at him, listening to what he's saying. Floss will sort of put his elbow out and say, "Mr. Chapman?" [laughs] Like, he's trying to help you balance and make sure you can walk. But he's doing it in a "sounds good" kind of a way.

You can hear Chapman breathing really heavily from inside the helmet. And Jason, you were describing it as being this kind of tinted glass. Yeah, like a black tinted... Yeah, like a limo. So all you see is the vapor from his nose. [laughs] And he's kind of just mumbling. He's not talking super loud. Probably just enough for Floss to hear. "Alright, let's just go to the hotel. Does not attract any more attention than we need." Do you start walking? Chonk. Yes. So I picture Newberry as the type of place that doesn't have cobblestone streets or anything. And probably good.

But it's probably a lot of dry dirt paths. So every time he takes a step, it's that little cloud of dirt and dust that puts it... [explosion] His walk speed is about 10 right now. So that'll give you an idea of how quickly this is going to move. [laughs] I just gave watches. I have a dog that is... He's not a slow dog, but he likes to stop and smell everything. So you can very easily, outside my apartment complex, see me standing there like, "Ah, fucking God. Oh my God, I just want to go." [laughs] And I feel like that's a lot of what's happening right now.

He'll get a few paces and just like... [sighs] A lot of heavy resigns sighing. And eventually he's going to be like, "You know what? I'm going to go check us in and get the cart situated and deal with the horses." And by the time you guys get there, it'll be all sort of just come up to the room just telling me we're with Cave, okay? Bye. And he's going to just like... Because he's in a huge, heavyset armor now too. [imitates gun noises] All the way... [laughs] You turn around to race off and it's not much better. It's just... [imitates gun noises] [laughs] He's dropping about it the whole time.

He's double time, but it's still just 20. [laughs] But he's trying so hard to just sweat. Just making that angry face of effort. It's just matter about it. That's the only difference. Just effort that's not requited by anything. Oh, God. Is Linda wearing her sunglasses with her new outfit? I believe so, yes. She got sunglasses, yeah. Those aviators. The fucking... Oof. The Johnny Silverhands. I mean, with her dark vision, you're not really hindered by the sunglasses at night. It's pure fashion at this point. Yeah. It's the Ado song. That's just playing in Linda's head over and over again.

Is the song just called "Sunglasses at Night"? Or "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night"? Yes. The great Corey Hart wrote that for us. For this moment. For humanity. It all led up to this. [laughs] That was the intent, I think. So Floss would help. We don't have to roll anything, but it would be an assist. He would be assisting Chapman along as best as he could. Almost like you have an injury, that kind of thing. But yeah, I think they would all try to make their way straight over there to Meat Cave. So, what's interesting about this armor is that while mechanically it doesn't really weigh that much, it weighs about as much as plate armor.

Mystically, it weighs someone down so that they can tread the bottom of the ocean. So, right now, Chapman weighs about as much as one of the beef you're warforged. So, right around that 650-700 pound mark. It's probably bad for a hotel. You're gonna get some looks. Cave's gonna request a ground floor. I was about to say that. [laughs] Stairs are not your friend right now. Can you imagine the fury in Cave's eyes as he watched Chapman try to get upstairs? [laughs] No way. I'm not doing that. Like a big piano. [laughs] It just goes through the fifth stair and we have to start over.

Yeah. [laughs] So, where are we staying? What's the name of this place again? So, you guys are staying at four walls and a roof. Right. Yeah, I have that one in my nose. That's right. Which is pretty barebones in terms of amenities. No mints on your pillow, nothing like that. But, no trees trying to beat the hell out of you and no crazy druids. So, yeah, man. It's a nice respite from the road. They will... [laughs] When hearing Chapman come in, I think without looking up at the... It's like, "Could you take your boots off, please?" [laughs] And then it's like...

Looking up, it's like, "Why?" Like, just, "Why?" Do you intend to wear that here? I feel like it's one of those clerks with the reading glasses way down the nose. Exactly. Just looking over a ledger or reading or something like that. It's like, "Okay. It's going to be one of these nights." And just closes this thing and just... Can I get any reading done? Was that happening? Yeah. You know we're landlocked, right? Like, that's... [laughs] He's an enthusiast. It's fine. [laughs] I'm going to require privacy to remove it. So, single bed? We don't have the budget for multiple rooms.

We've got one room for everybody. Good. And he's in it, so he tells the clerk, "When these three stooges walk in, tell them I'm in this room. You'll know them when you see them." That's what I picture. It's like, "What do they look like?" It's like, "Trust me. This... Look." Imagine the three weirdest fucking people you ever met. [laughs] He says, "Wearing the Well of Souls." Just fucking dressed like Ares. "Do you see me?" [laughs] Three more of this, but in different ways. We're all dressed for different reasons. We're all dressed for different conventions.

Yeah, we came for Comic Con. [laughs] So, I think halfway through the interaction, it's like, "Oh, yeah, you're looking for that room right over there. There are privacy curtains you can use, so just use that." And it kind of like... It's like, "Wait, okay. I need to see you move and not break my fucking floorboards. Let's see you get to..." So, obviously, you're on the ground floor. It's a pretty sturdy place. Again, stairs? Ooh. Stairs? Old-timey wooden stairs are not built for 700-pound people. Hell, even Dragonboard and Minotaur and stuff like that. You know?

It's just... This person's probably just worried about their stuff once they see you start moving. It's like, "All right." "I think about you sitting on a bed." But, you know. Chapman doesn't respond much. He's kind of uncomfortable using his real voice, talking to people. So he'll just nod from inside his armor even though nobody sees it. He's just looking like this big daddy with no emotion, just walking and stopping and walking. He'll respond. It's got to be muffled every time he responds. Nobody can hear him. Floss is trying to translate a bit. "Oh, no, it's fine.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, I've got everything. No, no, no." Basically just translating for whatever you're grunting inside. Because of the big daddy suit, I don't picture it having a neck, but the bubble is attached to the chest piece. So the chest piece is like... You're nodding, but it's all one thing. It's like a bad action figure. So is Linda with them? Yeah. So I thought... She's doing the power walk. Not like power walking. Like Vince McMahon? But like, you know, like cool. And with sunglasses. Right. Okay. So you're the most normal looking person here. That's what she wants them to think.

So everybody's in this room. It is exactly four walls and a roof. Like it's not... There's like a single bed. It's almost like an army cot situation. It is pretty bare up in that there's like a water bucket to rinse off with. And there's a thing of water just outside the room that you can get drinks from and stuff like that. But other than that, it's just wood. Oh, very nice, Mr. Cave. He'll look over to chat and be like, Hey, can you crawl out of my spare armor for a second? Cave, I need you to be cool. I feel like I've been cool about a lot today. So bring it on.

All right. Something we don't cover is the D&D times for taking off armor. Heavy armor takes 10 minutes to put on or take off. So yeah, I think it's with help. With help. Yeah, that's how long it takes. I've never enforced that rule because I think it's silly, but I will enforce it right here because I think it's silly. Have you ever put on a full plate armor? There's a lot of straps. I cannot, but it's not my profession either. I imagine more like fallout power armor with this, but I can still imagine that being hard to wriggle out of. Right. So I imagine this.

Yeah. Like it's almost like, yes, Big Daddy slash fallout power armor. Perfect. So the back of this would open and I picture him like having to like move and slither outward. Not because of the lizard thing. I don't want to like, it's not a race thing. We say it too. So like the armor is just like, like he has to like, it's just a big enough to. Yeah. Oh, someone there. Your thumb just nailed it. Said like, oh my God, he's been lizard Zoidberg the whole time. That's what it was. It was Max Panda. I'm not sure. So while this is. Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. I was just going to say he's doing all of that, but like very bashfully.

Like he's very he looks at like he's he's looking down the whole time, like just holding his hat so it doesn't fall off. Like, really? So his hat was inside with him. No, no, that's right. Floss put it on top of it and then knocked it off. So the hat is probably in the cart. The best vaudeville comedy this group has ever done was the hat on top of what if he has two hats, though. And he also had one inside the back even better vaudeville. So Cave is kind of standing there in his ridiculous armor with his flask of liquor, just kind of like leaning up against whatever shitty desk is in this room or, you know, and just kind of watching.

And eventually, I assume it just becomes obvious, like this is not like Chapman is we're used to seeing. This is Chapman as a as a spiny lizard person. I don't know why, but I picture a sleestack. Yeah, I don't know why I don't want a picture of sleestack. Wait, oh, what? Google. It's there was. How could I spell that? Oh, you got to keep going. I'll find it for you. OK. Yeah. If I can change the image in your in your mind, just Google horned lizard bowler hat. Yes. OK. Yes. So you're going for more of a Rango thing. A little bit. Yeah, a little bit. OK. So when that become and he's being bashful and cave, despite his his.

Fury is aware of that, but he's going to notice, like, obviously, this person who crawled out of here is not the person that he recognized before. He's going to go. This makes so much sense. Of course, of course, of course. And he's going to look at Linda and be like, honestly, of course, like this makes perfect sense. I'm let me explain. No. And he's going to walk over and get a put a hand on her shoulder, which might be a little intimidating because the ridiculous armor. But he's going to put a hand on his shoulder and be like. I couldn't be happier about this.

I couldn't be happier. This is amazing. You don't have to explain anything. I'm I'm I'm satisfied. You can you can if you want, but I'm I'm I'm fine. You don't have to worry about me. OK. That's good. That's that's great. I was afraid I was going to have to kill at least one of you, but I'm a little bit less satisfied now. Well, I don't. I usually. Flee or or or kill or like pretend to be dead when I have to reveal this rarely, I rarely do all three at the same time, I panicked. But I didn't want to flee this time because of any kind of looks down again and had to win.

Oakes, I've and I found something something new. I found. What's the word? Starts with an F. Floss. Financial security. Sorry. But I trust you three. Floss, you're my best friend. I've never had a friend. I you know, I can't eat you. You're you're the best thing I ever had. Linda, I love you. And Cave. You got you got shady things going on, too. I think I think we can relate. I just don't want this to get out. You know, this is it's a big no no for my people. Yeah. We like to stay hidden, you know. Cave is going to spare a glance at Linda to see how how that's going over, because Floss is obviously is just an open like he's he's an open book.

He's ready for anything. But I just really like Linda. I love you. I mean, it has been like three days. It's so quickly. So lizard people. Do we know that there are things most. OK, I'll put it this way. It's like it's like all of a sudden. Not only are there bigfoots. But it's like, hey, meet Dave. This is my friend Dave. He's a Bigfoot. And it's like, wow. Oh, wow. I thought like that was a like a rumor or a tall tale or something like that. And most people claiming to see them are kind of. Well, that's a crackpot. That's some nut job, something like that. So like, you know of it, but probably didn't believe in it.

Like, right. I don't want to tell you what you believe. Is it Bigfoots or Bigfoot? Bigsfoot. Thank you. It's like passers by. It's a Carl's Jr. OK. This is why you need copy editors. Yeah, no, because I'm fucking stupid. That's why Carl's Jr. is the funniest thing you've ever said. Thank you. I can quit. This is that's all I wanted. That's it. Oh, my God. The other option is Carl Junior's. Well, that was a good session. So, I mean, Linda, like, let's let's just recap what Linda's been through for a second. Linda came to this island, met some buck wild people, definitely saw like multiple people die before her eyes.

There was a man who tried to intimidate her and then she died. I like that that's an addendum. Like, it's like, oh, yeah. She also died. And everything's fake anyways. So fuck it. Yeah, I guess if anybody is going to buy in, it's the person who thinks this is all fiction, right? Holy cow. I forgot about that. So, so Cave looks over to Linda and Linda is like expressionless, like just soaking it in. And he's like, listen, I I'll just say that this explains a lot of my concerns that I had at the camp over the past few months. I kind of feel like I understand now and what I thought before was a weirdo.

No offense is now it's just a cultural misunderstanding. So I'm I'm I'm glad you take it this way. I never killed anyone at the mine. I promise. That's why it's so good. It's so good here. I can just I don't need to be I just I just eat the bits. I never killed anyone. Don't please don't fire me. This is the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, OK, so listen, I'm not going to fire you, but for future reference, don't start with I never killed anyone. Raises all kinds of flags. I never said I never killed anyone. I said I didn't kill anyone at the mines.

Even worse. That's worse, actually. OK, but whatever happened to bring this about? Obviously, whatever you're more comfortable with, it seems like you're a little bit uncomfortable with this situation. He doesn't mind pointing to floss and she doesn't seem to mind pointing to Linda. I don't mind whatever you're comfortable with. If if we need to get you back in your in your tiefling suit or whatever, I'll get you a new suit. Yeah, yeah, it's going to be tricky because I am I threw my bracelet at them to throw them off. That's it. I can also shoot blood from my eyes.

I chose to throw the ring I wanted because see, I wanted to make them look crazy because it works. Most of the time it works. You make them look crazy so they don't they don't like bust you out. You can stay can stay hidden. But they took the ring. They don't they don't take the ring normally. And now it's at the mob's headquarters. But I know when to now. You know what? It's not worth it. I can make a new one. It was just the only memory I have from the lizard folk who raised me. It's no big deal. That sounds like a big deal. Is that important to you? Because we can I mean, he'll he'll like gesture down at the ridiculous Warhammer 40K armor that he's wearing and be like, we can go get it.

Like, I'm not concerned about some two bit thugs in this town. We can deal with it. But if it's important, if it's not important, I'm not getting involved. But if it's important, I just don't want to bring trouble to Linda. You know, they've seen me with you've seen Chapman with with with you. They could trace it, trace it back to the mine. I don't want to bring trouble. I'm, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm really glad that we're thinking about that now. Like I'm so happy that you've now you've come to this conclusion. However, I will say it may be a little late for that.

Also, I kind of agree with cave. I think we could take these guys. I'm wearing sunglasses indoors. I'm like ready to take on the world. Okay. Anything you want. But later we might have to talk about. I am. Are you in love with me? No. Wow. I love working for you. We will put a pin in that and get back to it in some time in the distant future. Uh huh. Perfect. Perfect timing floss at that point will. And presuming that everybody would sort of look over at him at some point, he will from behind his back. He will hold the jug of liquor and the hat that he brought with him excitedly as gifts from the from the from the cart.

So he's got he's got the big jug of liquor for cave and he's got the hat for for Chapman. This is so thoughtful floss and he takes the hat. And as you hand the jug to cave, Chapman will take the little flask he got from the apothecary and he'll crack it open and he'll go to being myself. And he'll drink the brain juice and he'll he'll take his flask. He'll take the joke from from floss of home. Thank you. I think I know here and he'll put the drug down. And I assume that I mean, this is obviously a medieval fantasy setting, but are there like, you know, how in a hotel the layout like a thing for water and ice with glasses like the.

Yeah. Yeah. Short little Tumblr. Tumblr glasses. Okay. So he's going to take you know, you pinch three of the glasses together and he's going to take in hand one to each of them and pour each of them a couple fingers of his his moonshine and be like, you guys, I'm going to monologue for a second. So you guys get comfortable and he's going to pour a little bit for each one of them. Chapman lays down flat on his belly. I think he's just like. Floss will take the armor. What's it called again? The water armor? The Benz. He's going to take the Benz. He'll take that and it's big, right?

But it's at this point, it's a bit floppy. He can sort of push it around. He's going to make kind of like a kind of a bean bag out of plate mail in a way that would be able to to let him and Linda at least find a place to sit. Oh, it's going to be terrible. It's going to be something about that show. Yeah. So he hands everybody a glass and he he pours some of his liquor from the jug into each glass and he does an approximation. Approximately good job of refilling his own flask as well from the job, because that's not easy to do. The liquor is clear, but unfiltered.

So there's some sediment if you look at it, because, you know, he knows how to make it, but it's not pretty. Anyway. So he says, I want to provide some context because I feel like some of us have just revealed some things that maybe were difficult to reveal and maybe they wouldn't have revealed if they weren't forced to. And he'll kind of glance at Chapman. But I want to explain why I'm trying to make this work, because I am I'm trying to make this work and he'll glance at Linda for a second. Wasn't a long time ago. I didn't have to be here. I would I had just about everything you could ask for.

I was married. I had a kid. I had a business. I owned a farm and a brewery outside of Aubrey on the mainland. It was amazing. But there was a night when my wife and my dad both died in the same night. You know, that happens. So whatever. But third, second worst night of my life when that happened. But, you know, we we move on and I was running the farm and I was taking care of my son, but he wanted to go to school at the at the temple up in Aubrey because he wanted to be a paladin like his grandfather, like my dad, which I fully support. So I sent him up there to do that.

And I ran the farm and I ran the brewery and we took care of it. And that was fine. But for no reason at all that I can find out. Suddenly, one day I'm in the field the next minute, I'm naked in Brightport. Just for no reason at all. And that's the whole thing. It's not worth getting into. But everything was taken away from me like it was all gone. I was just naked in Brightport and I got out of that and that was fine. I got some clothes. But then I got press ganged into the Navy. And then when I was on a ship, that ship got taken over by pirates and they were going to sell us slavers.

But then when they were going to do that, the ship got capsized by a giant sea monster and I almost drowned. But then I washed up on this island and I almost got eaten by ogres. But then I got off of the island and then I got back on the mainland and I was on my way home and I got trapped by kobolds. I was in one of their stupid traps. I don't know if you guys have ever dealt with kobolds before, but they dig these traps and I fell into a pit and my leg was broken. And of all the stupid things that I had to deal with, that was the closest I ever came to actually dying.

Stupid kobolds. So that was when I said, "I've had enough. I will do whatever it takes to get home." And that was when I made a deal. And I made a deal and it wasn't a very good deal. It wasn't a very good deal. It was the best I had available. But it was enough to give me the power that I needed to get away from the kobolds and to get home. But then I got home and my farm and my brewery had been taken over by my wife's family because they blamed me for her death and they blamed me for leaving the business even though I didn't actually leave. I was taken, but they had taken over.

They wouldn't let me back. So I went up to Aubrey to see my son. And he could tell because of his training at the church that I had given up my soul and he wouldn't see me and he wouldn't speak to me. And that was the worst day of my life. And so I left. I left Aubrey. I left the whole continent and I came here and I got a job at the Twin Oaks Mining Company. So I want the only reason I'm telling you all this because it does it's not that interesting. It's not that important. The only reason I'm telling you this is because as somebody who had everything he wanted and now has none of it.

I want some of it back. I want this. I want this to work. I need this to work. And I will do whatever it takes to make this business succeed. I worked for Larry Wright. May he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. And with him gone. I'm still here to do whatever it takes to make this work. Whatever it takes. And from my assessment over the past few months is the only people that I have to have in order to make this work. Is the three people standing in this room. So I'm telling you this so that you understand and so that you trust me because I need to be able to trust you because I need this to work.

OK. I have to get this because if I don't have this. I'm going to go buy a tower in the forest somewhere and become an evil warlock who rules over the land. And I don't want to do that. But that's the only thing that's left to me. OK. So. Anyway, I forgot where I was going with this and he'll just take a huge swig of his drink and refill his flask again. Oh, boy. What do you think the mental equivalent of someone knocking on a door would be? Like in your head. What do you what do you picture? I know. You know. You know, do you know there's like a nerve in the back of your head that sometimes you'll turn your head and it'll go bling.

Do you know what that you know that feeling? Yeah, that's it. That's it. OK. OK. This is the worst timing for this. And I'm so sorry, but. Cave's going to get that as if mentally someone's like knocking like kind of anxious, like, you know how you could tell someone's anxious knocking? Yeah. No, he'll be like. One minute, please. And he will again, like you just refilling his flask, but he'll just empty it again and be like, I don't have to speak it out loud, but I would like what? Hey, boss, I look, you remember how you had me looking after things, right? Yeah, and everything's great over there, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Big problems, big problems. One, there is a slight issue with management vis a vis demon pact. That I may or may not be aware of, but go on. What's what's up with the mine? Oh, there may be a slight issue with management vis a vis the mine. There's some fat guy here. He'll Billy Bilbo, I am hambone. Yeah, hambone. Got it. Yeah. Hambone. So this guy has been really causing a fuss. Him and some goons he brought looking over the mine and I don't think they want to buy anything, but I think they want to take something. What I what do you what do I do?

Where's um, where's Leo? Well, he was he he was dealing with a hambone. I'm going to need you to elaborate. I mean, trying to get him the hell out of here, but. They roughed him up pretty good. Is he dead? No, no, no, no, no, no, not dead. But it out. Okay. Here's what I'm going to say. Let them do whatever they want. When we get back. You just lay low, you know, see if you can get anybody else who's of value to also lay low or comply or whatever. I don't care. Not worth fighting. Because let's be honest, you and I both know it. You're a coward. I mean, you don't have to say the words out loud.

We, you know, I mean, this is what words are for. So, lay low, hang out. When we get back, whatever he's done, whatever he's taken. We're going to take it back. You wouldn't believe what I'm going to call at this point good fortune. We've had in the sense of things literally falling from the sky that will aid us in whatever Hambone does. We will do unto him tenfold. Does that sound okay to you to do everything except the sky stuff? That sounds like you've lost your mind. I'm more of a earthy underground type. Yeah. Adorable. That's I mean, listen, lots happened.

I might be a little bit drunk also, but here is the thing. If he spends the night in our in our camp because it's late, if he spends the night there, I want you to burn whatever building he's in down to the ground. Fine. Deal with it. We'll deal with that. But if he leaves, when we get back, we'll go take back whatever he took. It's fine. I'm not worried about it. OK. That is not the answer I expect. I've got one question for you. There was Cobb. That is another thing. No, no, no, no. It's well, I mean, he's a good kid. He means well. Don't don't he? He wanted to go ahead because they did arrive in a cart.

He wanted to put things in the cart, things that would eventually go kaboom. Is that OK? I'm actually not mad about that. In Hambone's cart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, or is your like miles away? Yeah, that's fine. I'm fine with that. OK. Like look around the room to the other three. Just like they have no privy to what he's cooking. But he's like, we're all fine with that. So it's just dead silence. So it's just like at some point, though, floss will say, Mr. King, is that bastard? Are you speaking to bastard? Yes, bastard. Did you want to say tell him I said hello?

Yeah, floss says hi. Floss says hi. Everybody says hi. I do have the ability as a pact with the chain warlock to see through his eyes. Oh, do you want to do that? I do want to do that. So I imagine that is a thing that like you just give him a heads up so he can like go outside or look around. I mean, normally, but I don't respect him, so I'm just going to take over. No, no, no. It's not a consent thing. It's more like, hey, go outside so I could see more shit. Like just like, yes, he's hunkered down. Yeah. Get to where? Yeah, exactly. Or I'll just take over and go out to wherever I can see something.

Oh, well, that's just that's just rude. I mean, that's he's a man. He would do it to you. So I imagine it's not painful, but it's more like intrusive. Yeah. It's like when someone gets in your personal space, but like way worse. So it's like he'd be mid reply. It's like, OK, fine, fine. We're just doing that. That's fine. So, you know, kind of hovering outside. Hale is here to send a message very clearly. So he has roughed some people up. There are some people who are injured. There is a lot of broken stuff, no fires or anything like that. But more importantly, Hale is standing outside of the mine and some some very large people are exiting the mine coming to him.

And they are talking about something. What form am I in right now? My canary still? Yeah. OK, I'm going to flutter down and perch in an area directly, sort of in Hale's vision, field of vision and go, hey. So they're talking. It's like, yeah, there's a lot of rubies down there. There's like like these idiots have stumbled upon something like they didn't expect to find a lot. Hey. Like they're going to start looking around just kind of. Yeah, there's a canary just like sitting on a post nearby. And Hale would be like kind of looking like. Did you hear noise?

As soon as you guys collect enough brain cells to look in the direction where the sound is coming from and under like flutter or wing. Yeah, but it's like a tiny little USB speaker making that noise. So it's like one, it's like you don't think it's like the bird, obviously. But eventually they're going to start looking at the canary and then kind of each other like, are we all hearing this or have I just lost it? Like, you know, so I don't I don't think they would reply right away. I think you have a captive audience for a moment just to see. It's like, let's see if it does it again.

Like that kind of thing. So he'll he'll wait for like it to just fall fully silent and just be like. You've all got until the count of right now to turn around and leave. If you don't. Whatever you've done here will be. Tenfold. Payback upon you. And and I'm going to use I don't know if I can do this, but let me know if I can do this for flavor. Cave has a cantrip called infestation, which allows insects to to erupt forth on somebody that or something that he touches. I want to do it on the canary. And have it burst forth with insects. This is OK, so this is interesting because I don't know if you can cast spells through.

Sounds like it sounds like a wizard wouldn't want you to do that. But for the flavor of it, I'm going to say it sounds pretty cool. Sounds pretty cool. I'm going to allow it. OK, so so, OK, two things I need to know. One is the bird opening its mouth and talking the words is like, yes, like opening. OK, good. So that's adorable. I need to know that gets good to. The picture I'm painting in my head is from every orifice of this bird, tiny bugs just everywhere and then just like the eyes, the beak, whatever. So real nightmare fuel. Yeah, exactly. OK. So as Hale, I think, is going to respond.

I'm sorry, are you some sort of security bird? And then as he's as he's responding, it's like like, OK, remember when you were a kid and you watched Raiders and like you just like the fucking Nazi's face melts off? It's like, oh, shit, like this all took a turn, like you weren't ready for it. Like it's that. But like the bird falls apart and liquefies as if it were rotting in front of them. And it's just insects just like that. And then like, yes, there's no bird. It's just like that. And I think I think to take a step back, like, holy shit, like. But now there's no voice.

Hale is going to lean in and whisper something to his goons. Now, I want you to give me a perception check for this. Not my strong suit, but here we go. I mean. Hey, 17. I just realized that was our first dice roll. It's a good night. One of those hobbies are pretty good. You're going to hear him say, pack up what you can. We're coming back. And these idiots are not going to get access to the rest of this mine while I'm still alive. And he is going to start going back to his cart. But these guys are going to start like his goons are kind of freaked out. Like it's like, oh, that ain't godly.

Like that ain't good. Like that, you know. And they're going to start just grabbing stuff. So they have a couple of hunks of rubies and stuff like that. But more important. They're going to be dragging out some of your workers. And they have employed violence to a couple of them. And some of the other ones are, well, didn't want that to happen to them. And they're working for Hale, I guess is the best term I can come up with. So that they don't have their fingers broken. Okay. So the bug thing being mostly for flavor, let's say that that bastard polymorphed into one of the bugs in order to fully fall apart.

So Cave will get out of the field of vision, polymorphed back into a canary and leave that body and just be like, listen, thanks for that, by the way. That was great. Yeah, I can't even begin to describe the pain that I just felt. It's indescribable. It really is. Okay. So I want you to take that and I want you to remember that it's his fault. Okay. I feel like we're glazing over this, but sure. Yeah. I mean, we are, but that's fine. So I want you to stow away and follow them back to their camp. And you're going to be my eyes and ears over there. And the things that we're going to do to them and make your boss blush.

Okay. Does that make you feel a little bit better? I am into this. Okay. Good. Yes. I'm a little erect. I'm not going to lie to you. That's disgusting. Okay. Follow them back. Whatever form you have to take. You have my permission to do what you need to do to stay alive and stay hidden. Wait. So you want me to tell Cobb no? Yeah. Tell Cobb no. For now. Don't take the bongs out. Cobb will be very disappointed. Cobb is going to have another conversation with me when I get back. But tell him not no, but not yet. Is that better? Got it. Okay. Got it. Not no, not yet. Are you and Cobb like talking by the way?

Is that? I mean, look, Cobb is not mentally well. I don't know if you know this. I suspected. Right. So I chimed in when I saw him doing stuff. But to my surprise, he was not at all shocked that a tiny bird was speaking to him. I don't think I'm the first. You know what? That's totally fine. Is he going with them? Is he one of the ones that they're taking? Well, he is currently under their cart. They do not know this. It's actually really clever. He's built these little harnesses. I don't think this is his first cart. You know what? Change of plan. Because I. This is the first time I've trusted Cobb and I'm going to ride with him.

Bold. And he just like shudders. Everybody in the room sees him like shutter. Tell Cobb to go ahead after that. Whatever happens. Don't get involved. But then your eyes and ears, you're staying hidden. And we'll see what happens from there. Let him go. Let him go nuts. Whatever. These guys are going crazy. Cobb will crazy. Let's compare crazy. But follow them home. Got it. And I'll check in with you. OK. All right. All right. Because I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to kill a lot of guys when we get back. I love it. I could kiss you. Never. No more bugs then. OK. I'm going to close the connection.

Just know on the other side. Rude. And then just like she's going to. So I'll snap out of whatever trance I was just in. I love I love that a heartfelt five minute monologue is is followed by him going. Yeah. Yeah. Just kind of like snaps out of it. Chappie is still on the ground on his belly. Thanks for letting giving us time to process that. I'm going to say even for a lizard person, that's pretty hard to believe your story. But if it means that much to you, I want to help you. I could use two friends. I appreciate that. And the fact that you trust me makes me inclined to trust you, which makes me want to tell you all that my my bird in my office is actually a demon who works for me.

I call him bastard and he is a bastard. But he's just informed me that Harmon Hale is currently taking over our mine back home. And strong arming our people and destroying things and stealing our rubies. So we need to finish our business. I want to say first thing in the morning tomorrow. And I think we need to go back home and recoup our losses. When Cave says that. Okay, it's like that. Okay. Okay, hold up. Because this is an audio show. I genuinely did not know what you were doing for a couple of seconds and you need to describe that. To our patrons get guys, if you are not subscribed to our Patreon, please go.

So now go do it now. $5 and you will be able to see what we just saw. Was it a dance? Was it a seizure? So here I am in my bedroom. I'm currently not wearing any glasses, so I have to pantomime using my imagination exactly what movements go in to someone dramatically taking sunglasses off and then like staring at the camera. And I couldn't figure out if I was supposed to start straight on or if I was supposed to start from the side and then which direction the glasses come off. There's a lot of moving parts. You never think about it when you're actually doing it.

But when it's all in your head, you got to think really hard about it. Everyone who's listening is trying it right now. Every single person is thinking about it. That's what I was doing. It's not easy. Yep. Who is it? That was the line was what? Yes. I love being an actor. And it will go. Yeah. Okay, well, you know what? Just forget about the bracelet. I can make a new one just given the time. I'll just stay in the armor for a while. That's, that's probably fine. I mean, I'll be straight with you when we get back to the camp. I don't think anybody's going to care.

I mean, I think whoever's left. I mean, it sounds like they've roughed up some people and also actually literally stole people from our mind. It's very comfortable in there. Can I, can I borrow it? I mean, it's nice and warm out of the sky. I guess I can't really say that it's mine, but sure. Go ahead. Okay, thank you. Okay. I don't want to put a damper in things by adding another level, but there was the literal reason you came to this city. The rubies? Yeah. By wrapping up. Yeah. I feel like first we have to take care of all the rubies being stolen. Totally true.

Then you can't sell them if they're not there. That is a very good point. I guess I'm coming at it from the, this journey wasn't easy and you're here. So like, Maybe we should assume that we have the rubies that we think we do and that we'll deal with Harmon Hale and his associates as needed. While we're in Newberry, because I don't want to have to do this again to get to Newberry. I mean, the odds of you running into another ancient druid with angry trees is probably slim. Another, the odds for running into any was pretty slim and we did that one. That's fair.

Well listen, I mean, I'm going to talk to somebody about getting a road paved between here and Twin Oaks before we leave. I will also mention, and this is me, this is my putting on my common sense player hat. If there was a guy in all of Atheist who knew some scumbags to help you break legs, it's probably a guy named Slitthroat. That's what I'm thinking. We can't sleep on Slitthroat today. Like we can't leave Newberry without introducing Slitthroat to the show. Uh, Slitthroat's supposed to be like a reference person, right? Like, is this his voice or something?

More an homage to 90s Lifefield comic book stuff. Like very, like, okay. In the mid 90s, there was a big comics boom and all you had to do was shout the word blood and that was a new comic book character. Bloodshot, Bloodstar, Bloodsport. Like it was all overly gritty, dramatic, choking monster men that like had pouches everywhere and twin machine guns. That was their power. Guns. Like that was it. Like it was silly. It was a silly time. There were like 18 X-Men comics. It was nuts. And that's who I want to meet. Exactly. Yeah. This was, this is a character just for Jameson.

Like I, everyone else can enjoy him. That's fine. But my intent. When we meet him, here's the thing you don't know. I'm going to change from playing Cave to playing Slitthroat. I'm jumping characters. That is fine. So Kent, I have one request. When we finally do the Atheist book, I want all the other art in the book to be in the style that we usually use, but his art needs to be in that 90s Lifefield style. Like, I don't care what, what we have to do to get that, but. I will draw it myself. I can do it. Thank you. It's the stuff I used to copy in my notebook.

Are you kidding me? Anyway, so, so, so Cave dumps that and be like, so our, our minds under attack. The thing I just said that I need to have happen before I just turn the page and go fully evil is currently under threat. So let's wrap up business tomorrow and let's get moving so we can enact revenge, I guess. So one thing that I wanted to do if it's maybe while you're dealing with rubies. I did want to go to the library. He'll look over to Linda. See the, I don't want to forget the ring you found the most exciting thing that's happened over the last couple of days.

I did want to do a bit of research. So if you do have it still on you, I'm happy to take that early in the morning while you've taken off to deal with the rubies and slipknot throat. Slipknot's the music that plays when he's looking eagerly at Linda to to maybe hand over the ring so that he can maybe do a little bit of research I see it promised. Okay, yeah. So she she's gonna go to like reach for her back pocket. She's like, Oh yeah, I have it right here. Then she takes her hand out of her pocket and it was never in her pocket because it's on her hand the whole time.

She's gonna say I'm so sorry to tell you this but this does not come off. So, um, is that a choice? Does not come off because you like the way it looks does not come off because it's too small and you had a bit of water weight over the last day or so. No, I think it, um, and she's sort of looking at it. I think it physically doesn't come off. And Jason Do I know about the the anger that I feel? I know that it's connected to the ring right? I think yeah you know it's kind of like seeping from it like it's Yeah. But I can tell you this. Um, it's something to do with ice.

And I feel like there's maybe like a soul trapped inside that's very mad at me. So, you can take that information to the library and see what you find. That he'll look very disappointed for a moment. But then he'll say, that is actually more information than I had just a moment ago so thank you very much Miss Linda. And one request. And I'll wait here for for Jameson real quick, so you can cut this out when you do your editing. Oh, it's because it's a really great punch line. And we're not a punch line. Good timing Jameson. Don't worry I'll catch you up.

But floss will ask cave. If it's possible to have a little tear of that paper. Do you remember the paper that you did a rubbing on when we were at the door. And you brought that to our friends at the other mine. He's going to ask for just a little bit of a rip of that paper, because what he's going to be doing he's talking to Linda about the ring, and he wants to be able to do a rubbing of the ring because he knows that the ring is not going to come off of her finger so he's going to do a quick rubbing of it, just to just to take something of the way it looks maybe the size something like that.

If he's able to go to the library. Yeah, I think we can do that I'm sure there's plenty of paper for that. I just didn't want to do that. That's a case caves thing so he didn't want to just take it away from me and put it in your back pocket or something. I love that you're so conscientious that you didn't want to take paper from another player's character. He's the rubbing guy. That's how nice you are. That's how clearly. Yeah. His character is nothing without it. I meant Jasper. Yeah, I don't think he would have done it either. So that's that. I mean, floss won't question it much anymore than that he'll look very disappointed though that the ring isn't.

It wasn't handled thoughtfully. You'll get that impression. I'm glad floss is the one that that feels that way. You know, I'm glad that was the line. Like that was the thing that was, it's true though I there's there's there's more there's reasons for that a bit. Totally. So it sounds like you guys are getting some sleep. Yeah. Floss is just going to sort of shut down where he was sitting. So let's give you guys a long rest. Don't know if you need it, but I'm going to do it. So after taking brain juice, do I just augment my stats myself for for intelligence and wisdom and charisma?

Did you take it that night or you want to wait till the morning and take it? Just considering you didn't get a ton of use out of it, you know? I would. OK, like just mechanically, it would cancel out. OK, I'd wait in the morning then. All right. And let's do that. So. Yes, this would change your base stats. We would just have to make note of that so we don't lose track. Yeah, I wrote my like current stats in my special move line. I can write there. So that's oh, I see it. So I'll just it's plus two intelligence. Oops. Plus two intelligence. So that's eleven now.

That's one wisdom. That's fourteen now and minus two charisma. Twelve now. Here we go. I said I love drugs. That's not what I meant. Like I meant the system for use. Guys, I just love drugs, you know? Yes. Early, early, early in the morning, we're talking. The sun is just about to come up. You're going to hear a pounding on your door, not a knock like a boom, boom, boom. Housekeeping. Shit, did we put the thing on the door? Well, Cave drank last night, so he's not going to be the first to get up. Fair. No, Floss Floss is going to be he's floss of all. It's a morning person.

No doubt about that. Chapman's kidder is in the armor. Again, I picture like him diving in head first feet, kind of like. Yeah, it's like when you turn the kitchen light on and there's there's a road. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, Floss will be like. That just leaves Linda. She's sleeping with her sunglasses still on. Floss will go straight over to the door and and open it up. They just he'll crack it. He's not going to open fling it open, but he'll crack it open and eagerly. There are two large gentlemen there and there with the city guard. I believe some of a very important persons associates spoke with one of you last night about a debt.

Floss. Will close the door. And look back over at the armor and over at Chapman and everybody else, he'll see it like caves, probably snoring like real terribly. And then just making sure everything's sort of in place and then he'll open it back up to the same crack of the door. Yes. Well, that person wants to speak with them again. We're supposed to take you to them just for a chat. A chat, a chat, a chat. The sun's just come up, I believe. It's about to. Yes. He'll close the door again. OK. And this time he's not going to turn around. He's just going to keep staring at the door.

He's thinking. Fuck. If we could title this episode that. Open the door again to the same crack of door. We'll be right out front. All right. We'll escort you over. Don't worry about it. It's it's a restaurant. You'll be the only people there. You'll have breakfast. It'll be great. Good. I'm feeling rather peckish. It'll close the door again. And then they're going to go on the other side. It's like rude. And then they're going to go out front. That's the title of the episode. And he'll go back and sit down on the oh, no, not sit down the arm. Yes. He will. He will actually go back and almost sit back down on the armor.

I'm assuming there'll be some moment of oh, shit. But since he realizes that Chapman's close by, go ahead. Who was it? It was friends of your friends from last night. I believe they're ready to speak to you. He looks over at Cave. Is Cave still sleeping? I guess. Yes. I don't want to bother him after all he's been through. Well, let's get you in that outfit. And he's going to sort of help prop Chapman up. Start pulling on the straps and buckling whatever needs to be buckled and tightening up whatever needs to be tightened. It'll take a few minutes. Not in a hurry.

There's no rush. Floss is not in a rush. He wants to do this right. I don't. Is Linda catching any of this at all? Like waking up or like just whatever. They're just getting they're just morning people. Yeah, I guess Linda would be more of a morning person. So while you guys have been having that conversation, she will probably be just waking up. So, Jason, you were saying he there with city guards. Yeah. OK, so it's there's a mob, right? Yes. Good. Yeah, it's yes. This person wields quite a bit of power, it would seem. All right. Floss will will. He'll he'll to Linda, he'll say something along the lines of continue to get your rest.

We'll handle this. We're going out for just a few minutes. Mr. Chapman, you and me. Shall we? I don't want to disappoint the cave. So, yes. So, but I mean, just just just the two of you. So Linda, do you have an idea? There's the mob. They want like eleven thousand gold. I could just go. We could just go kill them. But I think it might be pretty hard. Oh, we have the rubies and this floss is going to pick up his new hammer. And he's going to go into his his mitt. I forgot what we said. How much is the Ruby that we brought? Isn't it really like two thousand gold or am I just making up that number?

I mean, it's a significant amount and it depends on who you mostly you brought it for appraisal. Right. Yeah. Linda, do you think it's a good idea to make a deal with the mob? They could they could be interested in the rubies. Well. What if we shop around? You know, we still have that guy that we're going to talk to. And what if the mob can offer us more? You know, I mean, they want money from us. I don't know. Yeah. But I mean, after the payment is done, we could keep keep a thing going. Right. Right. That's that's what I was thinking. And if they know, you know, there's more where that came from, they might want to come help us with whatever the pardon my language.

Heck is going on back back down at the mine that I own and not Harmon Hill, that it's my mine. So maybe it just works out for everybody, you know. Let's wake up, Cave. I think I think we got something. I think you like that. I was going to say, if you I give me give me a stealth roll with a quadruple disadvantage, like I don't know how you were going to sneak out of this room. It's not so much sneaking. It was really about just let's not bother anyone else. Yeah, exactly. Sure. The only request is that you we ask them to just forget about the whole thing that the two goons saw yesterday and to get the bracelet back.

That's all that's all. Forget about Chapman. I'm just just I'm just a guy in a suit. Just a man in a can. Mr. Cave. Mr. Cave. We are headed to the library and the mob. Get your things in that order. I would like to see he's going to look what and the mob. You know what? Sure. And he's going to just like to get up and be like, who's who's doing the mob and who's doing the library? Because this. I'll go to the mob. I have a really great suit and sunglasses, so they will be intimidated. Mainly might be. I think we should all go to the mob. Fine. Oh, oh, oh, let's go to the mob first and then the library and then the Ruby.

We'll figure it out on the way. Perfect. All right, great. And he's like splashing his face with water and the bucket in the corner. Yeah. Oh, nothing. Not that bucket. Oh, no. Yeah. So like five minutes of like rustling later, I think I feel like we all come out, do the big hero walk out. There are those two two city watch guys. Yeah. And they're going to be they're going to be walking you over to this little Italian style eatery. But like during during the look. Oh, I get it because the mob. Yes. Yeah. But like the entire time they're kind of walking you over there.

It's like, hey, do you like are you new to the city? Did you did you see things like, you know, we're sorry about having to do this, but it's kind of part of our job, sort of like the captain told us. Well, I mean, you should see the library after this. It's very nice. Oh, I'm going to the library. That's actually where I was headed before the the whole eatery mob thing. This probably won't take up too much of your time if that makes you open yet. Like they they kind of open a little later than dawn. So there's not even a lot of light to read when you're when you're in the after this.

Go check it out. You'll love it. A tour guide. They just feel bad. It's like it's like, man, don't don't get the wrong impression about our little town. While we're walking, Caves going to make a lot of pointed questions about their family. So where do you get you guys live just outside of town is just you newly married, like all that kind of stuff being like, I want to know about all of the things that you care about. You know, oh, me. Oh, bachelor. I've just I just haven't I just haven't met the right person yet. You know, you got it. You know what it is?

You just I you play the field and I just it's I just I just have not made that spark that connection with someone from the from a back Chapman to to floss. What's going on? Boss will immediately say, I don't know. Well, you really ought to come out to the Twin Oaks because we got some people there that I think you'd enjoy meeting this this this woman, Gwen. She lost an arm recently, but she's quite the catch. You don't you know, I think I'd be happy to introduce you, you know. Well, that's very kind of you that handicaps. I don't see the world through that lens, so it's not like a thing for me.

But I I I yeah, a little gross that you would lead with that. But otherwise, yeah, I agree. No, I mean, I'm saying it doesn't matter. I'm just saying maybe drop some of your preconceptions before we look. Maybe if you lost an arm yourself, you'd see things differently. That's a good that's a great point. If you were to lose an arm, I'm saying it's not a big deal. There's some guys who would make it a big deal. And I'm saying that when I see a person missing a limb, that's not how I categorize them. It's oh, that's Gwen who's missing an arm. I'm saying that's Gwen who has hazel eyes.

That's what I'm looking at. Oh, I get it. Yeah, I'm just going to squint really hard. This is the most yes and bullshit. I was trying to intimidate him, but I feel like we're just friends now. Yeah. Yeah, man, it's tough. It's tough out there. You got it. So by the time that ends, I assume we're at the Italian. Oh, well, probably been standing out front for a couple of minutes because he's like, no, no, no. Don't welcome. I don't want you to get the wrong impression about the other bad options. Right. It's like I'm not a bad guy. I just like this guy's name. I want to know his name.

His name is well, they they call him Timothor. That is not his name. OK. His name is Timothy, but he has a atrocious handwriting and they kind of made fun of that. And now it's Timothor. OK, Timothor. We talked for a long time. You did a question. What does that have to do with Thor? Well, he writes so poorly that his Y's started to look like ours. So like people like it looks like Timothor. And it's like, come on. I'm not like a OK. You know, I'm not something about like Thor the guy. No, just just busting balls. So are the guys. And it's a different art. The guy.

I would totally read Thor and the guy. OK, so I'll Pat Timothy on the shoulder. There is there's a slightly older looking gentleman kind of heavyset in the middle of this restaurant eating by himself. And when you walk in, it's it's it's all men like scrambled eggs, sausage, that kind of thing. And vegan options. Let's say veggie bacon. Yes. Yeah, you go. OK. So a few years back, I wouldn't have known that. I didn't even know that. I mean, can you slap vegan in front of anything you would say? Well, yeah, no, but I actually do look stuff up to see that it's a thing like we got recipes coming out.

The next book that I want to be vegan because like I I like you guys. I've grown fond of you. So breakfast sausages. Huh? Field roast apple maple breakfast sausages. Amazing, right? Let's get we can't use brand names, but like, yes, we can. But what if Fielder sponsored us? Then I'd be vegan. All right. We're going to get some work done. You guys love your little mini corn dogs. Those are great. All your sausage. Very, very good. Please send me for free. Thank you. I'm like my morality is for sale. I will. I am 100 percent a prostitute. So let's let's make that happen.

And someone clip that. I know what stream. Now, thank you. They know. Thanks for subscribing to our page. They're going to show you to this table. And this person is not even going to look up from their little plate of eggs that they're gently stabbing at with their fork and kind of bringing it up to their mouth. But they are going to kind of hold a hand out. It's like, have a seat. That type of thing. Linda will not take a seat. She's an aisle out more more audio enjoyment for all of our listeners. She's going to. So if he's on one side of the table, she's going to be on the other side of the table.

And then she's going to just kind of lean on the table with both of her hands. You power stance on this guy? You mean mug him? Because she's wearing sunglasses, you see. Uh huh. So it looks really cool. OK, so there are there are dudes with crossbows in the room from the city. Watch. That's not that was info I was going to give you anyway. There's nothing to do with your power stance. Does anyone else take a seat? He sits down. OK. And he if there's a menu on the table, he's like, all right, I'm going to give me a grand slam. I'll do as little as he can. He'll try to pretend that he wasn't the tiefling the night before.

He's, you know, just there with the other robot. Yeah, you just happen to have two robots in our employee. Right. I mean, I don't know if a chair is going to be able to stand up to your particular amount of girth. Yeah. Although I will try to do a perception and try to see if I can spot the bracelet anywhere in the room on anybody or like a table or whatever. Hit me. I will. I will say, give me give me a perception with disadvantage. Fair. For two reasons. One, right now you got real Michael Keaton Batman neck. So look around. It's like you got to like move your entire body.

And two, it's that. Wow. Never mind. Fuck me. 19. You're 19. You're going to look around and you're not going to see the the brace, the bracelet anywhere yet. But you do spot quite a few of the sea guard around here. All right. I recommend the moons of Miami. He's going to he's going to I appreciate you making the time to come here today. I'm sorry that my associates got a little physical last night. Who's he speaking to or is he just like talking? Just talking kind of like, you know, to. The table like you're all part of the same group. All right. Well, Linda is the one taking the power stance.

So he's going to glance at her. Okay. Because everything's a fucking joke to Linda now. Linda's Linda's look at him through sunglasses. So like he can't like, is she looking at him? Who knows? You know, she's she's she's going to say. I hear you having some problems with my friends. I feel like we can mutually come to a decision that benefits the both of us. You know, some days you wake up for work and you think you're ready for whatever the day is going to throw at you. And then that happens. Val, I love you. Just I woke up today and chose violence. That's great.

That's it's 2021. I mean. Sorry. While you're a guest in my city, I would appreciate if you show me the proper respect. Believe me, if I wished you harm, you would have been harmed. Now, there is the small matter of this debt that needs to be settled. And while I am sorry to say this was an inherited debt, it still needs to be paid in full. What do you intend to do about this? Well, first, it's a little rude of you to assume that this isn't my natural voice, as it isn't weird for me not to assume that that isn't your natural voice. I didn't say that I assumed it was more the tone you took.

But now that you mention it, it does seem a little bit strange that your voice would be really similar to mine in this particular situation. I understand that. Now back to business. I'm having a little bit of trouble over my business. Speaking of business. And I know you guys can do some stuff. And so I was wondering if I have the means and the funds to get this debt paid off. But I could use your help in getting it. And if this works out, we could have a very mutually beneficial partnership in our future. I think it's an offer you can't refuse. Oh, fuck you.

I just...you come into my house. On the day of my daughter's wedding. Let's be very clear. I know that reference not from The Godfather. It is from... No one knows that from The Godfather anymore. It's fine. It's from The Godfather reference from the Rugrats in Paris movie. Okay. That's fair. Hey, Jason, can I petition for you to give Val inspiration? No, Val gets like, quadruple inspiration. Oh my god, really? It's totally fine. She ate all of your inspirations. That's the thing. Always does, right? It's the sunglasses. While I will admit, we are known for our stuff doing.

Before I dedicate any of my manpower to this situation, I would like it written that you will pay us. Am I to understand that you do have the money, but it is tied up back at your home? The entire time he's eating eggs. If that helps you. Like in between. Yeah. Man likes his protein. They're scrambled, if that helps. I have the money, but it's not money. So, if you want to turn it into money, you have to figure that out for yourself. That's actually why we were coming here in the first place, to figure out how to turn it into money. So, a little back story here.

I'm Linda Wright. I come from the mainland. My great step-uncle Larry Wright, may he rest in peace. May he rest in peace. Wonderful soul. He left me a mining company. And this mining company, very good. It makes so much money. But here's the thing. You know, money doesn't grow in mines, as they say. I've never heard this expression. You should get out more. Okay. You got me. So, listen. We have rubies that we just found. Very exciting. We have to sell them to somebody to make money. But you need money from us. And we have rubies. Would you like the rubies instead of the money?

And then you can sell them to your bad friends or something. Isn't it like something about gold is safer than, well, gold is money. You know, rubies are something stable. Finance. You know? Invest in rubies. Elon Musk says, "Invest in rubies." You know, like his dad had when he profited from apartheid. I'm sorry. I don't like him. I just do not like him. First off, I would like to thank you. It took a lot of guts to come here and do an impression of my Jewish grandmother. Secondly, I think what you're proposing is both confusing, but has the potential to be profitable if I understand half of what you are saying to me.

Thank you. Thank you, sharks. I would like to extend a formal handshake. And, if you would like, I will send some of my crew with you back to your home to deal with whatever problems you are having. But I expect to be paid in some form of currency in one week's time. Is this something that you can guarantee me? By in currency, do you mean the rubies? The rubies. Rubies are fine. Rubies are great. Out of character, doesn't it take a week just to get back to... or how far away is things? Honestly, if he sends crew back with you to help, they're coming either way to keep an eye on you.

But if they have it in their hands, it's fine. Gotcha, gotcha. That is absolutely something we could do. And that solves my problem multiple ways, because now I don't have to go talk to a man with a scary name, and we can get back home faster and maybe beat someone up who was mean to me. So, we're doing great. Oh, your problem involves violence. Cave nods emphatically. Not preferably, but also preferably. This is a good thing, as the members of my crew have a very slim set of skills. Violence is definitely one of them. They will be able to help you out. Is Timothor coming?

Oh, Timothor is, like, in the room. Yeah, but I'm gonna ask this dude. Will Timothor be along? While not officially a member of my crew, he does take payments from time to time. Do you need him to come with you? I very much require him to come along, yes. You can have Thor-y. There's also the small matter of a bracelet that was lost last night during the confusion. He's gonna reach into his jacket pocket and pull it out. I assume you're talking about this. I'm gonna look at it and assume I recognize it, because it has been described before in previous episodes.

Yeah, yeah. Correct. So if it is the one that I recognize, then I'll nod and I'll say, would it be, just as a matter of the confusion of last night, would it be too much to ask to have that returned? He's gonna kind of put it on the table and slide it over. Please, by all means, take it back. It did not belong to me. Now, just to reassure me, my people will be keeping an eye on you. And should you try to double-cross me, or handicap me in some sort of way, my people will take your calves. Oh, we're not ranchers. Um... No. The lower portions of your legs. Oh, we need those.

Specifically the calves. We need those. Okay. I mean, he's a connoisseur. I respect that. Do we have an agreement? Yes, yes we do, yes! I look back to Linda for it. I mean, if everyone else behind her is nodding their head, she'll look back to... what's this man's name? I love that it was never even... My name is Joseph Calamado. Oh, fuck. So nice to meet you. I'm sure your name is such a funny reference to something. Anyway... You should get out more. Linda's going to reach her hand across the table to Joseph Calamado, and she'll say, "Pleasure doing business with you." He is going to shake Linda's hand.

And I think it's going to be a good time for us to stop. Oh, can Linda do one more thing? Please, please. While they're shaking hands, Linda's going to take her other hand and sort of pull down her sunglasses a little bit so he can see her eyes. And she'll say, "I also have dragon eyes. If that was a problem, you should have told me earlier. I know I told you this just now, but..." "They might have powers. Maybe I can kill you with them." So, you know, this is a back and forth, you know, Cold War type of situation here. And she'll put her glasses back on.

While I don't understand your reference to that war particularly, I will say you did keep your eyes covered this entire meeting. It did not really give me a chance to ingest that. However, I do not see the world through that lens. I do not have a problem working with you. People in Newberry, man. Super, super woke. Guys, I... I don't think I can take anymore. That was fucking... Wow. Good job, everybody. Man. I hope I didn't just make this decision for everybody that we're now going to work with the mob. They all look to you! You run the business. It's your business to make.

I get my ring back, my bracelet back. I'm good. Got your bracelet. We've got a potential connection to the mob at this point. That we're paying money that may or may not have been... Yeah, exactly. Honestly, that was the only way this story could go. That was the only place. The mob. Like, that's the next logical step. True. Holy shit, guys. Joseph Clamato. So what's that a reference to? Do you want to explain Clamato? Oh my god. So, okay. We'll be right back after these words from our sponsors. Please don't go anywhere. I really hope you guys enjoyed today's episode.

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