Burning Iron

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That kind of thing means the world and it helps us keep the lights on. Of course, if you're watching on YouTube, make sure to like, subscribe, comment, and share, do all that good algorithm stuff. And without further ado, let's get on with the day's episode. (gentle music) - Ooh, let's do that thing! Where we go around the table and introduce ourselves, I'm Jason. I'm the Dungeon Master going around the table, starting with Jamie. - Hi, I'm Jamie. I play Tatiana, the human rogue. - And Lisa. - Hey, I'm Lisa and I play Vella, the minotaur rogue. - I love your shirt, by the way.

I wanted to say that earlier. - Did you get it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. - I've warded around several people and they're just like, okay. And I was like, get it, it's Rurudo. Billy Madison. And they're like, oh. - Wow. (laughing) - I'm like, fine. I know it's a deep cut, but whatever. - It's fine. Apparently you were never a teenager. Zachary. - What's up? My name is Zach and I play Blevin Elmar Ruthaforth, the old human bard. - And Karen. - Hi, I'm Karen and I play Josephine, the human cleric. - And last and certainly not least, Jameson. - Hi, I'm Jameson.

I play Larg, the half-orc palabararian. I'm not gonna work here anymore. - It's just references tonight. That's it. - It's just, that's it. Okay. (laughing) - Damn it. - Well, that was a surprise attack, so, you know. I can't be blamed. - You guys should watch behind the scenes. It's comedy there. Last time we sat down, we really bucked the status quo. We tore it all down. We're starting over and you guys are falling from the sky. And I wanna kick things off by getting a roll from each of you, but we'll get to that in just a moment. You guys had a conversation with something, but it was something grim and foreboding and ooky.

So yeah, there was a lot of skin flaps and pus and stuff like that. It was gross. Yeah. But you guys got out of there. And in essence, you're falling 50 stories back down into the pits of hell. So the good news is, this is, it's kinda planned. So you will be taking some kind of damage, but it won't be like if you were mortal. The bad news is, you, there's no safety net anymore. If you die, your soul stays here. Unless the rest of the party somehow gets to the end and frees you, you're here. That's it. So we'll, you know, the stakes kind of got ratcheted up, but we're gonna see how this goes.

I'm gonna give you a choice to give me a dexterity saving throw or a constitution saving throw. And we're gonna go one by one, starting with Jamie. - I'm gonna go with Dex. Surprising, I know. - Did not see it coming. - No. - Why won't it do the thing? - Click on the word. - I don't, oh yeah. - I play with 10 groups now. - I know, but it makes me feel like a dummy every single time. 'Cause you've told me that before. - Do you know what I'm gonna say before we're done? You don't have to target. I'm gonna say that because I have to say it for every group because we did it for Fantasy Grounds for three years.

Don't feel bad. 21, fantastic. So you guys are going to be falling out into the great wide open here. And there is just this irradiated looking field of green, this kind of ultra, this kind of like ultra glowy, very Hulk green that you're falling into. It's kind of a canyon. And there's like these spider veins, kind of like almost as if these mountains had varicose veins of like green pumping. Do you remember Blight from Batman Beyond? Okay, so go watch Batman Beyond. It's really good. So I'm gonna throw something up for you guys in just a second to kind of show you what I mean.

But you know, as you're plummeting down, it's like, this should kill me. But you guys are coming out of this tower. And for the briefest of moments, you're kind of, you're kind of sort of shielded a bit. So this is the last of that magical energy coming out of this place and boom, boom, boom. So with that Dex, a 21, just great. You're gonna take the most minimal damage possible. So give me 2d4 please. And that's, you're gonna take that much damage and that's it. - Okay. And though it is a minimum amount of damage, Tatiana is scarred for life when it comes to heights, like scarred for life now, for sure.

- That's, this one more than the one story you felt. This is like 50 times worse. - Yeah, yeah. And it felt bad when we were in that hallway, but like it feels way worse actually plummeting down. - Right. So this is gonna be like, you're catching this at a pretty steep angle and you rolled max damage, good for you. So you're catching this at an angle and you're gonna roll quite a ways down, but like, besides like torn clothing and you're beat up and bruised, like you're able to kind of like, each time you're rolling, it's almost like a princess bride thing where you're just rolling down the hill, but like you're able to kind of like catch and slide a bit.

Like you're planting both your big ass boots down there and you're just kind of like, almost like a cat down curtains type of thing. So you're, it's like, "Ow, this fucking hurts," but it could be way worse. - Right, you said this was the, yeah, go ahead. - Right. - So this is the, you know, you were being tested in this place and stuff and they all but told you, it's like, "This is for our entertainment." And like playing with a mouse, they kind of protected you enough that you weren't going to die die there. So this is, you know, Lisa. - Yes. - Would you like a dexterity saving throw or a constitution saving throw?

- I believe I'm going to do dexterity. - Okay, okay. - Normal. - Yeah, just normal. - Oh, bummer. - F13's not terrible. It's not terrible. It's not great. Can I get, can I get a 5D4 please? - Fuck. - It's not great. - It's a large fall. - Oh wow. - That could have been so much worse. - Yeah. - 16's, yeah, so we're going to give you 16 damage. Feel free to adjust that on your character sheet. - Done. - Zac, now, can I ask you a question? Because everyone obviously is falling and it's very traumatic, but you're missing a part of you. Something that was very close. - Very important.

- Something very asmery, something very gross and it's gone now. How's Blevins feeling? - Oh, that's an excellent question. I feel like, well, I should say Blevins feels like, he just, he lost something he didn't expect to lose. It's almost like being in like a, almost like a very contested zone, like a bullet zone and you don't have your vest anymore. So he feels completely defenseless and now he's falling and he's back to that old man frailness. It's very obvious and very clear, like any chipper, buoyant energy he had has just been completely sucked away as he's plummeting.

- So not only do you kind of feel naked because like you're like this, this newfound power is kind of stripped away from you, but you're also in the most danger you've been recently in falling, right, okay. Would you like to do a dexterity saving throw or constitution saving throw? - Let's do dexterity if I could. - Okay, hit me with it. - Okay, let's hope for the best. Well, isn't that perfect? - Well, that's a nine. - Lowered so far. - That's not great. Can I get 7d4 please? Oh man, what's Blevins hit point count now? - It's definitely all the warlock stuff is gone, so.

- Okay, we got a lot of ones. It's all ones and fours, that's all you rolled. - Darmosh, last gift. - Yeah, 1111442. So 14 in total. So that's not too bad. You could shave that off of your hit points. That could have been way worse. So again, kind of slamming into this, it's like a 45 degree angle, in some points it's a 90 degree angle where you're just falling, falling, plummeting, falling, falling, rolling, that type of thing. So those clean white gloves, you're just covered in kind of, it's a very sandy, like clay at points that kind of dirt and rocks and stuff and you're falling into this pit essentially.

- My life alert is back in the tower. - Karen. - Yeah. - Do I have to ask, do you want to do a, do you want to try a dexterity saving throw or do you? - Absolutely not. Wouldn't the history of ever, with any of my characters, especially this one. - That's fair. - Have I ever voluntarily done a dexterity saving throw? - Well then give me a con, baby. - Okay. Oh. Maybe you should have done the dexterity. - Karen no, Karen no. - That is a crit one. - That's so bad. - It's the worst. - You guys can take that, those hit points off. Don't worry. - I just want to make sure.

- Karen, I need, can you give me 10 D4 please? That is a four total. - It doesn't even go up to 10 on this grid. - Oh, you're right. That's an oversight. You know what? What we could do is just graduate the D6s. So give me, give me, give me, give me six D6s. I think that's 76, 76 is sounds fair as I'm saying it. Yeah. A little, little peppa. - 24. - It's like your neck's cracking all down this. - It's fine. It could be one. - There is a guy and it's always a guy, but there's a guy out there who's yelling at his podcast machine, telling me about the statistic possibilities of a D6 versus a D4.

And I know, I know I'm not a mathematician or smart. So I'm just calling this as I see it. And I feel it in my heart as a D6 because if the grid doesn't even go up to a D10, it's trying to tell us something. - Right. - It could always be excluded, maybe they, they fell wrong. Maybe they cracked their back or something when they fell. - I think if you roll a crit one, you definitely fell wrong. (laughing) So just, if we panned out kind of picture like stormtroopers falling into the Sarlacc pit type of thing like if we panned out and just watch people fall, one of you, instead of rolling, I almost picture Josephine as toppling end over end or something like, like it's a rough fall.

Oh man. Jameson, you're the last one. - Karen's one of those, those fall compilation videos where you see somebody just eat it snowboarding and they just don't stop. - Oh yes. - Old school fail army stuff. - Oh yeah. - But she tried to grind the rail on the way down and just. - Don't worry, sit down. - You see somebody fall so hard that their head is like vertical as one second and then there's no, there's no frame in which they're not like to just hit in the distance. Yeah, that's what I. - I just saw a great one of those the other day. - Like they're definitely gonna replay this in hell for a while, like it's gonna be up on the big screen.

- Yeah, that made the compilation video. - Yeah. - All right, so let's do, I'm gonna do the constitution save. - Constitution save, I kind of figured. Normal, oh my God. - Oh God. - That's new. - You've got it. (laughing) - You know what though, it makes sense. Man, I wish they were giving you a bit more protection. That's a roll of two, so it came up as eight in total. Even man, that con save was doing a lot of heavy lifting. So can you do me a favor? Give me seven D four please. - 19. - 19. Oof, just oof. - No, everybody who did a deck save did their best to like catch themselves and like land like a cat and they're just kind of rolling down the hill and then me and Joe hit it like just comets into the side of the hill.

(laughing) - Bow, bow. And then slowly just slide down. (laughing) - Yeah. - How these rocks get so sharp? Who sharpened these rocks? - I mean it is hell. - It's hell, they got a rock sharpener, they got one. - Yeah, oh that's definitely a punishment somehow. - Oh yeah. - Just one little amp on the side and you just like really arouse. (laughing) - Finally my time. - Oh shit. - That scared the fuck out of me. - Sorry, we're just loading up a canyon here for you guys. Like that's kind of what you're looking at here. - Oh, whoa. This is dope. - It's this green in hell?

It's scarier than red. - This neighborhood? - This neighborhood, remember it's like Hulk-like. How do I turn the volume down? - Oh, that's a good question. See that musical note all the way up top on the right hand side? Just click that and say, stop it. - I don't wanna stop it, I just want it to not get 100%. - We can turn the ambient down. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can turn it down. - Oh, it just stopped anyway, okay, nevermind. (laughing) - Oh, this is cool. - Very cool. - So, remember a year ago when we were starting this campaign and I said, "Oh man, there's a bunch of different sections of hell and each one of them are different." And then we just spent a year doing other stuff.

Well, we're back to that now where there's a whole bunch of different portions of hell. And first off, what I wanna do is you guys are going to all tumble into this large kind of green tinted candidate. It's kind of, it feels like nighttime-ish. There are these sparks. It's kind of like a giant fire, but it's all bright green embers in the sky kind of streaking toward like- - I'm sorry. - Shut up, Siri. So, you're all going to land around the same spot within like 40, 50 feet of each other. 'Cause it kind of funnels down in here. And a few seconds are going to go by.

Oh, wait, I forgot to roll for Splat. - Splat. - If you kill my boy. - We need answers, he can't die. - It's in his namesake. I think he'll be fine. It's what he does. - Well, it's true. - Maybe he's really great at falling. - We've attested the extent of his power. That's the- So- - He hits the ground and just slides from all the turkey grease that he ate. - Every time I think we're done comparing him to Pippin. - I love him so much. - I just imagine the guy, he's like a slimy amorphous basketball, right? - I picture him as being pretty slippery. Like a swimmer, you know, he has no body hair.

He's just like- - Do that again, I'm sorry. - I don't know. That was like a penguin, I guess. - So his best, I guess, is Dex with a negative one. So let's do that. - Oh, baby boy. - This is why you can't get attached. You don't give them names. - That's a four. So- - It's the same as Josephine. - No. So I guess we're moving to- God, we're moving to D6s. 76s, let's kill a splat. Oh my God, 2026. So he is just like Josephine, just like Larg, just going to streak into this canyon like the comet that killed the dinosaurs, just boof. Doesn't roll, doesn't do that.

It's like- And a little bit of time is going to pass, like a few minutes where everyone, I would imagine everyone's just, it's like, "Oh, you're just kind of..." I don't think anybody got out of here unscathed. I mean, Tatiana's the best with eight damage, but still it's like, "Oh God, we're done falling, okay." What's your first thought after that? Like what's everyone feeling? Let's start with Tatiana, you landed the best. - My initial reaction is that Tatiana is going to jump up from the ground and just yell into the abyss, "Fuck!" - Oh, I love like a good pan back shot of just like just barely the echo.

Literally you just end up seeing the vastness of what is before the party now, you know? And she'll turn around and look towards who I think it was Splaat actually that took the most damage. So looking over at Splaat and Josephine, she'll walk over to see if they need any assistance. Not that I'm a healer, but like, I'll try. - There's literally a tiny crater. Where like, remember how I said it's kind of sandy. It's kind of like, you know, so like there is an impact crater where Splaat landed. Not that there's a lot of body weight there, but like no grace whatsoever, absolutely none.

And he is bent and contorted in ways that like if you saw a person, be it dwarf or elf or human, you'd go, oh, that's a dead body. Like that's not how limbs should be. But with Splaat, you're not quite sure because you're not exactly sure what Splaat is supposed to be like it's like, ah. But definitely eyes closed, face down, just. - I'll walk over to Splaat Splaat, trying to awaken him. - Absolutely. Absolutely no response. Just like if you pull him over though, at the very least, like you can kind of tell that he's breathing, but very, very shallow. 'Cause like when you roll him over, like he would have just suffocated there. 'Cause it's like, and just dust comes up, you know?

So, you know, pulling him over is like, okay, well he's not dead, dead, but like he's not well. - Right. All right, breathing. And Tatiana will move over to Josephine. Are you okay? - I mean, I took like half my life damage, it's fine. Josephine will like maybe like hold her hand out and see if you could like help her get up out of her like little crater also. And then look around for Larg, they see where he landed and just be like, are you actually out of your mind? Did you even think about what you just did? She's just pissed. - So yeah, Larg would be standing in the crater next door.

(laughing) Hiking rocks out of his skin. You know how if you fall on pavement, you gotta get up and pick all the rocks out of your, yeah. So he's doing that. And he looks over and he doesn't look mad. He doesn't look scared. He doesn't look hurt. He looks completely kind of neutral and he just looks over and he says, I don't know what you mean. - What? We just fell 50 stories. What do you mean? I don't know what I mean. We could have done other things that could have not happened. You didn't even like consult anybody. You just attacked this weird thing and we just fell out of the tower.

Are you, what the hell? - Well, you had to have had a good reason, Larg. You wouldn't just attack an entity that supposedly was trying to help us get out of here without a reason. So what was it? - He kind of looks around at the rest of the group as well to like, broadening the conversation to everybody. But he looks around and he goes, is that what we think? Do we think that they were actually going to let us out? We're in hell. Nobody was going to let us out, even if they were who they say they were. That wasn't the behavior. Larg wouldn't say behavior.

That's not what, that's not what someone who wants to help does. They don't make you play a game before they help you. They just help you. They weren't there to help. They were going to let us get to the top and let us fall to the bottom as many times as it took until we ended up like that. No point to splat. Here's what I don't like. I don't like leaving until everybody who doesn't belong here leaves with me. That might mean that I never leave, but I promise that I will get everybody out who deserves to get out. And that includes you and you and you and no point to Blevins and I'm not sure about you.

- Blevins still down. - But we are getting out. I promised you I would and I still will, but we're not going to do it that way because that was going to be a game and nothing more. So I didn't do anything wrong. Even if he picks another rock out of his chest, even if it wasn't fun. - But it was like right there, Lark. Like we were so close. Like if we had just gone up at the thing, like we had a plan and now we have nothing. Like what are we going to do? - We had the word of Darmok and of whoever that was and a deer in a dining room. We didn't have anything.

All we have is the exit that we've seen and a chance. I'm sorry, like, I know it's not fun. It's hell. But if nobody else is paying attention, and nobody else is going to control things down here and get things working the way they're supposed to be, then I'm going to do it. - But like, did we have to fall 50 stories? That really hurt. I've been eaten by werewolves and that hurt, okay. - Wait, you got to eat my werewolves. (all laughing) - We should talk more. - You don't just throw that out. - Sorry, it's trauma, it only comes up specific times. - I think you would kind of just like double take on that, but maybe not get into it right now.

I don't know. I mean, I didn't know that he was going to do that either. It wasn't a lot of fun, another rock out of his chest, but now at least we're not playing a game for somebody. - As you say that, there's going to be this lightning streak, again, kind of the bright green, almost like gamma energy type thing, blam, just kind of streaks across the sky, this huge crack of thunder. And this booming voice is going to kind of cry out as each one of you, like right here in the chesticle region, right here. Is that not what we call this region? - Chesticle.

- The chesticles, right here. There's going to be this faint glow and this booming voice overhead. So you wanted out of the tower. Congratulations. But the game isn't finished yet. You have 12 hours. And in the distance, you're going to see this column of light to make it to the area where your former compatriot was leading you. After that, the gate is sealed and you become permanent residents. And there's going to be, each word that's spoken is kind of this ripple of thunder. It feels like, it's like someone cranked all the base up. Like that one asshole in Best Buy who wants to test this.

See, everyone knows you've been in Best Buy one time. - Part into the loudspeaker. - Oh. And there's a pause. Like, it's like, okay, is that it? And one more thing. It wouldn't be much of a game without some opposition. Whoever stops this group from reaching their target will be rewarded greatly. And then like, boom, nothing. Like it's just going to- - Clack, clack, clack as he puts it in Best Buy. - Shit, what is, it's the red one? The red one, shit, shit. - When this booming voice is happening and finishes, Tatiana is going to take her gaze from the sky and directly to Larg.

- I need to know his reaction to this. - I don't believe that either. - Fake news. Sorry. - I mean, there's ways out that we don't have to be given permission for. So we can play the game or we cannot play the game. But that's not the only option. And again, I'm not leaving until everybody's out who belongs, who doesn't belong here. - Okay, but like, how are you going to determine who belongs here and who doesn't belong here and how to find those people? - That's an excellent question. - We haven't gotten that far in the plan, Larg. We haven't gotten- - I'm pretty good at thinking of things when I need to think of them and not a moment before.

So we're going to- - No step two. - Yeah. A rigorous interview process. - Can I see your resume, please? - For keywords on resumes, it's going to be (laughing) - Scales in the feather. - As you guys are standing here, you're going to hear this boom. Boom. Boom. And it's kind of like rhythmic and it's kind of reverberating around the canyon and stuff like that. But at first it's like, oh shit, is it footsteps? Is it more thunder? What is it? And it just, it's like, it's rhythmic. It sounds like a goddamn drum, like this huge bass thing. And then more instruments are going to join in.

And it is, it's a little like, it's like there's a goddamn metal band because it's like, but it's all the instruments have this like talons on steel. Like it's just like, there are definite string instruments and everything, but it's like there's an amplification behind them. And if you kind of like crane your head, it becomes more and more clear. And you're going to see these demon goat men cresting the hill and charging at you. And they are accompanied by a full orchestra behind them. There are more instrument players than there are demon goat men coming for you.

- So Larg is going to reach over and lay on hands Tati and like he'll quietly just over in the side cause he's been very matter of fact about this whole thing, but he'll very quietly, like as he like puts a hand on her shoulder, he'll like lean in and be like, you're gonna make this up to you, I promise. And you can take care of him in the hit points you're missing. - Is it just the eight? - No, it is not. I am not math, so. - I am not math. - It's true. - I'm missing 32 hit points. - Holy shit, all right, well I can give you 15. - That would be wonderful.

- That was like when someone offers to pay for the bill. It's like, I'll get this. Oh shit, no, no, no. - How much is the bill behind me? Oh, I'm not paying for that. - Fuck them. - Car karma be damned. - Oh my God. - Thank you. - So we should probably get the fuck out of here. - Blevins has been pretty quiet this whole time as people have been kind of dealing with the situation. He kind of finally sits up, you know, on his butt and he just kind of checks his pockets just frantically. He starts checking the sand below him, like the green disgusting sand. He's just trying to dig a hole as hard as he can looking for something.

But as soon as, you know, the demon goats like start charging, he gets up and he looks towards everyone else to see their reaction. Is anyone else running? Or are we just... - I think we're getting ready to, you know. - Yeah, as long as nobody's still down, right? - I should mention before it. So there are the demon goat men who are cresting the hill on foot. And then there are some demon goat men who are riding horses with flaming mane. Kind of lighting up the night sky. Goats on horses. Demon horses, if it makes you feel any better. They're called nightmares.

- I approve. - It truly is hell. (all laughing) - I have a question. What did I get out of the thing falling from the tower? - I was waiting for you to ask. I'm so glad you asked. - I feel like she's listening to the conversation but then also examining whatever it is. Just furious. So do you know how, and hold on, I want to get the exact name of this right before I quote it. So, okay. You have a rapier normally, right? - Yes. - So what you pulled out felt sort of similar in terms of weight, right? It's a very thin kind of decorative weapon type of thing. It looks like maybe it was created for nobility or something like that.

Like it's very gilded. Like there's this gorgeous hand guard, but there's kind of a roughness to it. Like it was augmented. Like maybe whoever was using this when they got to hell, 'cause it doesn't look like this was forged in hell. Like they went, okay, I got to toughen this up a little bit. But there's an interesting feature because when you kind of give it a couple of practice thwips, like you're, you know, so first of all, this thing kind of sparks up and there's kind of lightning, like this electrical field coming off of it. And then on your third thwip, segments of the blade come off and it becomes kind of a sword whip combination where there's a thousand barbs on it.

It is, it is, it is, it is the sword. Ivy from Soul Calibur, thank you. Fairy, yeah, yeah, yeah. - You get the costume too. - Yes. So Vella's got some stonking big boobies right now. Like it's all jiggle physics. - Utters. - Well, utters. No, I don't know. - Well, yeah, probably. - For days. - Yes. The point is send your fan fiction to dandrpodcast@gmail.com and I will forward them directly to Lisa. - I am, I'm blushing at the thought of it actually. (laughing) - Make it really Soul Calibur where like every 15 points of damage, like the armor piece breaks off.

- And occasionally just fall out of the ring and lose. - I just whipped that up. Oh my goodness. (laughing) - Is purple not your color? Is that the thing? - Oh, it's absolutely my, it is absolutely our color. - Okay, well then, there's no problem at all. - She's so hairy, but that would work. - Wait, what? - She's so hairy, but it would. - Vella is so scary. - Oh, Vella. - Vella, Vella. - I thought it's like, I think you looked up the wrong artwork. (laughing) Anyway. - It's like, oh, that's dope. That weapon is so cool. - So it is a plus two weapon to start out with.

And it has a recharge ability that essentially that whip thing, you can use that whenever you like. So it has a reach of 10, which is wonderful, but it has a recharge where you can use it. And then if you recharge on a six, you have to roll a D6 and you know, you can electrify a field around you and have everyone do a dexterity saving throw within five feet of you, or take six D6 damage. It's base because each time you do it in combat, the die value goes up. So each time that recharges in a fight, like it starts at a D6, it jumps to a D10, and then finally a D12.

- That was six D6 damage? - Six D6 to start with, yes ma'am. - Sorry, I'm trying to write all this down. Okay. - No. - It charges on a six. - Yep. - Okay, got it. - And at the top of every turn, you get to throw a D6 out there to see. It's just like a dragon's breath weapon. - Got it. - But it's Vella's booby sword. That's it. That is its name. - Trademarked. - TM, yes. (laughing) - I'm writing it down, Vella's booby sword. - Excellent, good. - Crushed it, okay. - So guys, what the hell are we doing here? Are we- - Running. - Running? We trying to get out of here? - Yeah.

- So, Marge is gonna grab Blevins by the collar and shove him towards the other ones and be like, go. And I mean, he's running too, but he's the one staying in the back of the group. And I don't know if anybody's grabbing Splaats. Splaat, but that's the rest of us. - Singular. - Yeah. - Yes. - The Splaat bits. - He's in one piece, just not conscious right now. So picture these ebony horses with flaming mane and these fly coated pussy goat men just streaking over a hill coming, while a full goddamn, like, while a full band is playing, because either these guys were nearby and we're gonna do this anyway, or they were spurred on by the voice that, you know, is like, hey, you bring me their skin.

Extra gruel tonight or whatever the fuck these guys are. So there are three, three of these horses a lot more goat men in the back, but these are the ones that are gonna be able to get to you way before the ones cresting over the hill would. So here's what we're gonna do. We're going to give you guys a little test because up ahead, there is a canyon you can slide down into, which these guys can't follow you into unless they're gonna just ruin their horses and where the hell are you gonna get another nightmare? You know what I mean? Like these guys that, I mean, unless there's a field of them and then you got to tame them, it's a whole thing.

So I need an athletics check from everybody. And we're looking for at least a 10. That's it. That's how easy this is gonna be. - All right. - That 12, 12 from Larg, 12 from Tatiana, 21 from Blevins, Josephine with an 11 and Vella with a seven. I'm going to go ahead and guess that you have to get used to the weight of the booby sword. Like there's a new found. - She's suddenly much more top heavy than she used to be. - It's like walking in heels. Like it's like, oh, okay. - Those heels on the costume are absurd. (both laughing) - So Vella's gonna start to fall behind.

Maybe it's even a thing where it's like, I got to grab splat, like that type of thing. Like it's, you know. - That's probably what it is. - So as you guys are running, like trying to get out of here, you are your feet away from kind of tumbling down into this canyon. And one of these goat men are going to ride up and they have these like rusty hatchet things and they are going to kind of take a swing at Vella. And they had these barbed tails, almost like a scorpion. And they're going to try and like flick that into Vella as well. So let's do the rusty ax first, if that sounds cool.

So D20 plus five, 20. - Give me a, hang on. Yeah, that hits. - Okay, not a huge deal. It's just a 3D6. - Yeah, sure. - 10, so that's 10. Now the barbed tail is a bit trickier. So let's see here, hold on a second. I need a saving throw from you. - Okay, so D20 plus four. Oh, it's plus four to hit. So, okay, first I got to hit you. So D20 plus four, okay, that's only 11. - No. - Nevermind, don't worry about that. You ain't got to do that. So it's going to take a chunk off your back. So it's like, ah, shit. Like it's, you know, it is very unpleasant. Okay, everyone else is going to reach this canyon and I need each one of you to give me an acrobatics check to kind of jump in and now look, okay.

I'm just looking for an 11. And 11 gives you no damage and you're just going to just kind of like, like slide down in here. Oh, baby. Oh, Tatiana with a 10. (dice clacking) - Let's go Blevins. (cheering) - Bella with a 12, Josephine with a four, Larg with a five, Blevins with a seven, oh my God. - This is tiny. - This is Steve. - I like to think the cavern hit just like pushed me up. You got it. - So I imagine that this is one of those things where somebody stops at the lip and everybody just bumps into them. (laughing) - Whoa, Blevins is definitely grabbing onto Larg.

Carry me, please. (laughing) I'm so exhausted, please. - He's like, get off me. - He's going to definitely use you to land on now, yeah. (laughing) - So this isn't so much an open pit, like what you fell into as, like if you see the scenery that you're looking at, like picture you tumbled over that, like it is an open chasm and there's, it's like falling down a Minecraft hole basically, but there's bits and pieces you can fall and hit on your way down. So you're going to fall about 25 feet, but these horses can't get to you. These guys can't get to you without, you know, without climbing down there and they're probably not going to jump.

So it would take them a bit longer, but everyone who did not get, didn't get the target of 11, which is everyone except for Vella. Well, that's nice. I'd like to say the hatchet was motivating. - That's what I was thinking. It like propelled her. - Yeah. So like it might be a thing where it just takes a chunk out of your back and you jump and manage to fall a bit and cling to the other side and then fall kind of gracefully. Just with an ax wound. - Gracefully as a wounded minotaur can. - Everybody else, do me a favor and take five D six damage. - Oh my God.

- Oh my God. - We have to. - I'm afraid so. - What if we don't want to? - Then you should have rolled better, I think. - Are we rolling the five D six ourselves? - Yes, you are. - No. - Karen with a 14, Zach with a 17, Jamie with a 16. Oh, Jamison with a 22. And yeah, that's it. That's all we needed. I'm gonna say that Splat is just being carried 'cause Splat didn't jump, Splat's being taken. - My boy. - There goes that way on hands, Jamison. (all laughing) - Good thing we did it though. - No, thank you. - I just gave you those. - Yeah. - So it might be a thing where you guys jump and there's like a six or seven foot drop and then like a 10 foot gap in the chasm where you guys just land like side first, trying to hold on.

It's like, oh shit and just fall. Can I get a hit point check after everyone falls into this surprisingly damp cavern? There is a liquid kind of running through here. So you're gonna land and it's gonna kind of land with a, well, a Splat, I guess. - Apropos. - Let's start with Jamie. What you looking at hit point wise? - Currently with a max of 69, I have 36 hit points. - Thank you. - 36. - Karen, what's it looking like? - I, with a max of 63, I'm at 22. - Okay, Zach. - So we're all hit the ground, right? We're at rock bottom essentially, right? So Blevins is on his ass.

He's not feeling too great. He's getting a little withery, you know, getting aches he didn't used to get. He's started with max 57 hit points. He's at 23 now. So one more big blow. He's down like pressure. (laughing) - Lisa, how about you? - Out of a possible 52, she is at 22. - Well, that's good you made that jump. - Yeah, when you said 66, I was like, thank God. - Jameson, you're the tent pole hit point wise of the group. - Lark's fine. - Lark's fine. Lark's good. - He's got 90 hit points. He's down to 42. So he's just under half. - I thought you were down to 90.

He's like, what the fuck is your max? (laughing) - Of 90, he's down to 42. - Okay. - You equal two Blevins. - More ways than one. - Oh. - I don't know what that means. - I don't either. - He's got extra white gloves. - I have two powdered wigs. - Oh shit. - Oh shit. - It's. - God damn two. - I gotta make that happen now. - Or just one wig with double powder. That's probably more Lark's job. - Pure dangerous. - I can't see. - He just shakes his head and just. - It's an AOE attack. - The blind. - So there is a steady trickling of liquid kind of coming down the walls of this cavern.

It's not like a rushing tidal wave or anything. It's more just like it's been raining outside and it's, you guys are kind of in the gutter basically. It is a thin corridor that you've kind of landed next to. It's maybe 10 feet wide and it's kind of this winding jagged path. You're essentially in a fissure. And this is the second time that you have landed somewhere and taken damage tonight. And you're gonna hear these like horses get to the area above you and kind of like rear up. You're actually going to be able to see that dim firelight coming off of them.

And almost as if they're panicking, they're going to turn and ride the other way as quickly as possible. - Oh, I don't like that. - Almost like fish saw bigger fish or like they don't wanna be somewhere or like they went too far out of their territory. Kind of panic. - Give me a perception check, please. - Fair enough. - Everybody can, if you want. Oh, nevermind. - Woo. - Nevermind, Blevins has got the clarity. - Don't need it, yep. - That's a crit 20. - Back on the ground looking straight up at the sky with the super clarity. - Just soaking it all in just to...

That is a raw animalistic panic. That is a, oh shit, we done fucked and they took off. Like that is fear. That's what that is. - So Blevins back on the ground. He'll observe them like just galloping away and just as strained as he can, he'll say, that was out of fear. That's it. - Of us. - By them shrugs. - But I did flex a few times while we were running, so. - Maybe got a good look at you finally and they're like, whoa. - That man. - So yeah, Largo will take a look around at where we're at and say, well, I think we should climb back out. I got a rope. Getting the rope out of his face.

- I ain't climbing shit. You're gonna have to pull me up. I'm not falling again. It's not happening. - Yeah, I guess that makes sense. That's understandable. - Well, let's not be too hasty. We could in theory, rest here, hole up in this crevice. And when we're ready, we can slowly climb up like gophers and see what's around us. - It's actually a pretty good idea. - Not sure if they have gophers here. - All of you are gonna get this feeling. It's not like you're hearing or seeing something. It's almost like an anxiety. Like if anybody has had that going in for a job interview or just existing in the year 2023, there's like an anxiety.

- I'm not familiar with anxiety. Can you describe it to me? (laughing) What a novel idea. - Well, you know, when you open your eyes first thing in the morning and you remember everything that chased you into the next day, it's like that. - I'm familiar. - Okay. You're gonna be keenly aware that whether you believe it or not, there is a clock that is ticking and you can feel minutes, like it's innate, like you know how much time is left. And about 10 minutes have gone by where you're just, it's like, okay, whether you believe it or not, like that timer is ticking down.

An interesting thing also comes with that feeling is there's no map or anything, but it does give you almost like a North star direction of where that gate is. - So even from this crevice, if there was like a hole we can go through, we could kind of traverse underground the same way we could above ground. - Even if, yeah, like no matter where you are, it feels like, it's like, okay, it's that way. Like everybody knows, you know, where the gate is, whether there's a wall there or something, whatever, but like, you know the direction. - I think the resting idea is a great one.

If we can. - It makes me nervous now thinking about it. - Oh. That fella, is that thing still alive? - In my mind, she's like cradling him a little bit. She's like, I think so. He's breathing anyway. And then she's going to try and like set him down and try and patch him up as well as herself. It's like splat, splat. Like gently tap on his cheek maybe. - There's going to be a little air that's like trapped in his puffy cheeks. So it's like, like just that, just that noise. Yeah, still breathing, still breathing. - Well, everyone's chatting. Joe is going to take this time to, can I cast a spell?

To heal everybody. Okay. - Do you think it's needed? - Well, listen, I hurt, Joe hurts a lot. Okay. Splat is very unconscious. - It's true. - And I know we're talking about resting. So if it's not needed because we're going to rest and heal, then that's fine. But also very anxious about resting because there's a clock ticking. - True. - A short rest is an hour. And you are in a crevice that panicked demon goat men away riding flaming mares. - Yeah. - Like them and the band hightailed it. Like that metal music just got like faded in the distance. - Yeah. - I just, I'm just going to cast a small little spell, small little fifth level spell.

Everyone is going to get this, whatever this is. Oh, why is it target? Why is it doing that? I don't like that. - What did it do? - There you go. It was trying to target and I was like, I don't need that. There you go. Everyone's going to get 16 hit points. - 16 hit points, baby. - Including Splat. Cause it said I could do up to six creatures. - Ooh, Splat is a creature. - If only that, he is a creature. (all laughing) - Don't talk about my son that way. - So Splat's big moist eyes are going to kind of flutter and like you're gonna in, even in a, even in this kind of echoey rift that you guys are in with all the water, like that, that moistless trickling, you know, that like, you're going to hear his eyes just like, just kind of like a little suctiony.

Cause they they've been like closed and gummed up for a few minutes, a little clay sand in there. And he's gonna, he's, he's going to look up at, at Vella and just like, kind of like as he comes to start to panic, like it's like, oh, like looking around, it's like, where the fuck are we? How did we get here? That type of thing, like just panicking. - Shh, shh, shh, we're safe for the moment. - Where are we? - We were chased by some goat men on flaming horses. We are in some sort of cave and she's going to be kind of looking around. - Why do I feel so anxious?

- Yeah, we have a countdown. - To what? - To get out apparently. We got 12 hours, baby. - Sweet, we're outside of the tower. Oh, is this what it feels like all the time? - Yeah. - Like the world's gonna die. - Yeah, like the world's closing in around it, yeah. - Like I can't keep up with the events of life and everything I do is wrong, is that how it feels? - Yeah, yeah, welcome back, bud. - Oh, I don't like it. - Nobody does. Do you remember the last time you were out of the tower? - No, no, clearly it's- - It's like that. - No, no, no, no, no, I'm on the level.

It's really strange though. I do feel a bit clearer. So maybe the further we get away from the tower, things will get better. - There we go. - Though I don't know if it's going to be 12 hours. It could be longer, but we're leaving though, right? We're getting to the whatever, we're getting out. - We're gonna try. - Well, that's another debate that I think we should all group together. Well, I think we should respect Log's wishes and at least talk. He does not want to leave until wrongs are righted. And I, for one, respect his noble heart. And my head is much more clear.

My body may be weak, but I do feel back to my right self. So in saying that, Log, what do you feel in your heart, my dear boy? - So the whole time when Splaat was waking up and Blevins was talking, Log in the background is trying to tie his rope around one of his javelins. And he does what I do when I can't do something is I eventually just hand it to my wife. So he's gonna go hand it to Tatiana and be like, you do it. And so then he'll turn to Blevins and he'll say, I think we should go towards the opening and we'll see when we get there. That's the best option we have right now.

I just don't think it's the only option, but it is an option. So we should go that way. But he kind of looks at Blevins for a long moment, like he's gonna say something else, but then he decides not to. But there's like a moment where it's like, we're not done, but he doesn't say anything. - Splaat's gonna kind of trundle over to, 'cause his gait is very small. Like he's kind of got like a little wiggle when he moves. - Yeah, of course. - And he's doing his best, he's small. So he's gonna trundle over to Blevins. It's kind of like pat him like on the calf.

So you're less gross now, congrats. - And you are less delicious, my dear boy. I mean, ball. - My dear ball. - Whatever your shape is. - Curvy. - Okay. - Noted. - So we're leaving then. - I'll go over to Tatiana to see if she typed with me. - She did her best. - Well, I feel like that's in your wheelhouse kind of. - Yeah, I'm good with my hands, right? - It used to be a used rope skill. We took that away. - Yeah, well. - Third edition purists. - So do me a favor, roll to seduce rope. And we're just going to. - Oh, I already did. - Oh. - Everyone got a different image in their head and it's all gross.

So do me a favor, here's what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. Are you chucking this? Are you trying to chuck this up vertically 25 feet into the rock? - So he's not trying to chuck it into the rock, but it's a long pole, right? So if he can get it to wick between two stones or something like that, but yeah, as high up the 25 foot hole as we can. - What's the range on a javelin? - Well, they're not meant to be used like that, but I'm sure it's more than 25 feet. So let's see what we can do. - It's a max of 120 feet. Obviously that's horizontal, but.

- Yeah, I'll tell you what, give me, give me an athletics check with it. - Okay. - Oh, Jesus. - That's a 25. - Nice. - That's like a fricking Olympian throwing that javelin. - There's like hell scouts, just like in the sunglasses. - Hit boards and whistles. - I like him. - Look at the arm on that guy. - I love him. - This kid's going to go all state easy. Just you're going to, you're going to whip this up about 15 feet and it's going to like stick into the rock with enough, with enough force that you feel pretty, like you're going to give that rope a tug and it's like, that's pretty good.

Like that'll hold me, I think. - Is there a good ledge up there at that height? - You're, if you get up there, you're going to have to kind of like turn and kind of leap to the other side. So like it's, it's not going to be easy to get back up at all, but it's possible. - Another one and I climb up and I throw it from there. - You can try, but it's going to be with disadvantage if you're, you know what I mean? Cause like you, you're, yeah, okay. - All right, I'll try it. - So your options are vertical, right or left basically and just follow the, the, the, the fissure.

But it sounds like you want to try vertical first. - I want to try it first. Unless somebody literally says Lark don't, then Lark do, you know. - That is how we've done things so far. Okay, so athletics at disadvantage. - Oh, good. - Before you do, Blevins is going to kind of nestle to the side of you and say, good luck, my dear boy. You're going to need it. He'll slap you on the shoulder and give you Bardic inspiration. - Thanks for the encouraging and then just go. - So I'm going to guess that Lark doesn't really have a hard time climbing a rope 15 feet.

I'm not going to make you roll for that. I will make you roll with this advantage for this other, you know, so you're going to, you're going to give me another athletics with disadvantage and you're going to huck and this would finish you up the rest of the way if you're successful. - Okay, and with this, with Bardic inspiration, I can add something to my die roll if it's other. - 1D6. - Nice. - I can be added after seeing the roll, but before knowing the outcome. Okay, that's what I wanted to know. - Yes. - Let me roll it first. - Oh, we're dropping a 14 to take a five.

So that's a total of 10. - I'll add the Bardic inspiration. - That's probably wise. Oh my God. - 16, look at that. - Good stuff. Yeah, that outright turned that into a success. That's pretty awesome. So there are now two ropes, 15 feet up and then 10 feet up further. So do you want to climb out and then scout ahead and let everybody know what's up there? - Well, so my question is, and this is in retrospect, so let me know if this is impossible, but is the rope on the second javelin long enough that they can just use that one to climb out? 'Cause it's only 25 feet, I've got 50 feet of rope.

- I would say yeah. Let's say yeah. - You don't have to do like a pitfall level out of it, right? - No, no, no, no. No reason to turn this into Donkey Kong or something. Like let's just, yeah, that's fine. - All right, well, yeah. So in that case, I'll totally like, that one's there. So I'll pull the first one out, cross over to the second one, climb up, and then scout around, see what's up. I'm not gonna go anywhere, I'll wait at the top. - Okay, do you have ever given me a perception? - Perception. All clear, guys. - That is the largiest roll. Six, I did the big strong thing.

Looks good. - Looks good, no imminent danger. - I just, as largs climbing, we're just sitting, we're just like standing there at the bottom. It's gonna be like pure silence. Blevin is gonna say, tea, food, anybody? - No. - He has a sleeve of crackers that just didn't get damaged this whole time. - I don't know, he has like a bed roll full of stuff. - The only thing I think would make that fall is like ginger snaps or something. That's the only thing I think that would, yeah. - But he'll just go in his pack and look around. - You know what? Give me, on a scale of one to 10.

Yeah, give me like one being the worst snack. It'd be like circus peanuts or some shit. Like 10 being like the best. - Eight. - Some little nougaty. - I would say, so it's gotta be something like, it's gotta be a nice pick me up snack, something with lots of protein. So like, I would say that in your pack, you've got this delicious succulent jerky that's not dried out, like it's dried meat, but like it's still tender. And like, it's still got like a nice, like a honey barbecue glaze type of thing going on there. Maybe a little teriyaki, something like that.

And obviously it did very well in the fall. So it's totally fine. Splatt would absolutely love some of that, by the way. He hasn't eaten in minutes. - Blevins will start going around, personally asking people, saying, you have to keep your energy up. Josephine, jerky. - I'm good, thank you though. - All right. Vellamon, Jersey, jerky. - Don't mind if I, wait, what kind of this? Is it beef? Oh. - What do you say, Jason? Beef, regular beef jerky, along with that flavor? - Give me a one D four. A one and yeah. No, this is more of a, this is like a pork jerky type stuff.

- Okay. Don't mind if I do. It's a lesser animal, it's fine. - It doesn't look like me, therefore it's fine. - Yeah, it's fine. I picture Splatt being the kind of creature that has to chew with his molars for some reason, like they're sharper. So it's like, just doing that, like really working his jaw around to tear off a hunk and then soften it with his spit and then kind of really pipping it up. - Then last but not least, Tatiana, some delicious jerky. - No, thank you, pass. - All right. - Can I say that everybody on our Patreon, Jameson was talking about visiting in the summer and I will absolutely film him interacting with Pippin and post that at some tier on our Patreon, just a straight hour of like, go Pippin and Jay, like something, like we'll call it something.

And like, that's what we'll do. - As a matter of fact, for every dollar is gonna be a minute that he has to hold Pippin in his arms. - I agree. (all laughing) - Yep. - You ever hold a wet towel just kind of like a wet towel? (all laughing) - But you can't pet a wet towel. - You have to use it to sop up a kitchen spill. - Oh man. If we reach $5,000 on the Patreon, I will- - That's like a weekend at Pippin's for him. - So we're gonna make sure that at some point Pippin dries his eyes on Jameson. Like it's a thing. Like he, like, Jameson's seen it. - Yeah. - Just does a little head twist, rubs his little face.

- He can get face all in there. - It's all in there. It's like, (growls) - Like he's, oh he gets- - If that dog dries its eyes on me, I'm blowing my nose on that dog. (all laughing) - You will not offend him. I don't think, then you're playing. - No, but I will offend Bree, and that will be very funny. (all laughing) - He should be like, "Did you just smoke it?" (all laughing) - Be like, "Yeah, I did actually, yes. Yes I did." - Here, here's your dog. (all laughing) - $10,000 will have him move in, Stepbrother style. (all laughing) Give me a high five. - Then we, it's a buddy cop movie.

A 10,000, like I think we have to like, like Jameson just has to go to work with Pippin and a Papoose or something like that. Like it's a Papoose. It's six. (all laughing) A six total for your perception. So you're gonna look over this large field and there are, there's fissures of different sizes kind of spread out. A couple of them are massive and wrap around this craggy area. And a lot of them you can jump over, a couple of them, you know, it might be tricky, but like you could get to the other side of this without having to go through this fucking, you know, without having to be down 25 feet and like navigating and stuff in case something's down there.

- Well, I have my trusty javelin on rope now, so I feel invincible. You can get around anything. - It's true. - Yeah, so he'll continue to help people up as they try to climb out. Like he'll lay down on the edge and like reach his arm down. So they have like, you know, four feet less to climb or whatever. - I'm not, I feel like you guys have gone through enough tonight that I'm not gonna ask you to roll to climb the rope because I feel that's too gym class. And I feel like it's mean. - Blevins would fail, so thank you. - Yeah, no, I, coming from a guy who has never been able to climb the rope, even in his prime, I, yeah, no.

- I mean, worse comes to worse literally, like Tatiana said, tie the rope around you and I'll hoist people up. - Just like hoist, yeah. - Yeah. - It's fine. - So here's what we are going to do. I need a travel die, please. And I think, Karen, I think we're gonna go with Karen. Now, can I get a D10 from you as a travel die? - Sure. - Okay. - Hey, middle of the road. - Mm-hmm, okay. That's a five, everybody at home. How about this, some time is going to pass and I would say it's about an hour. So you now have 11 hours to get to this gate. But more importantly, I think technically that's enough time for you guys to get a short rest.

I'm gonna allow that. So if you guys want to pop some hit die, if you look on your character sheet all the way up top, in the middle, there you go. There's a button, there you go. There's a little S rest. So you just hit that. - Look at all them dice. - All right, I'm topped up. - Yep, same. Same. - I had to automatically, nice. Everyone done? - I think it was thanks to the jerky. God's on the street. - A good jerky is revitalizing. - Oh yeah. - It's true. - I like to think as soon as Larg helped up Levens, like they met, like they grabbed hands. There's like a jerky in his hand waiting for him as they just got up.

- Fastest way to earn Larg's trust is just secret jerky handshake every time. - I picture the predator, the Carl Weathers, Schwarzenegger handshake, yeah, that's a little power. - Jerky? (laughing) - I didn't think you could make that handshake any manlier, but it was missing jerky. - Some nourishing. - Yep. - Oh man. I'm glad everybody's topped up. - Because of all the friends we're gonna make? - Because of all the friends, you guys are gonna party. - There's a concert going on. - You're going to, you're traversing this field and it's difficult at points because there's like 10 foot gaps and you have to get a running jump and like you've managed to do pretty well for yourself so far.

Like you've made it quite a ways after, having an hour to get your shit together. This is a point where one of the cool things is, there doesn't seem to be anything around you, like no screaming goat men, no metal bands, no flaming horses, nothing like that. So the cool thing is you can kind of look in any direction and see if something's coming at you, even in the air, like you're just kind of like, okay, giant fucking mosquitoes or something like that, or something terrible. And it's about an hour and a half in, something like that, almost, when you're making your like fourth or fifth jump.

And so far you've been able to get one person across and then like someone's there to catch and you've been doing very well. And all of a sudden, there's gonna be like, it's almost imperceptible, but kind of a tremor. So the first thing you're thinking is like, oh shit, is this platform like not sturdy? Like, is this like, 'cause there's a bunch of fissures in the ground, some things collapsed here over time. But you remember how I said that there were some really big crags that wrap around this place and like, out of this massive crag that wraps around, there's going to be this elongated lizard-like form, but it is coated in metal.

It looks like kind of rusted iron, but it is unmistakably a dragon that is going to lift out. It is essentially a dragon coated in plate mail, basically. Like this twisted kind of weird amalgamation of a thousand nights and this giant lizard. And it's called the iron worm and it is going to attack you. And I think it's a good time for us to, oh, I'm sure. I am positive it is going to attack you. And I think it's a good time for us to stop for the evening, everyone. I thought we were making friends. I'm more of a talker, so you know. I'm more of a lover than a fighter.

It's a dragon hunt. Honestly though, I always geek out whenever like any game there's a dragon, 'cause I'm like, "Oh, dragons!" Oh, that's a good one too. That means it's epic. I just see us being able to open up an armor shop after we take this thing. Right? Oh my God. Oh, it's got loot, baby. It was the iron worm. The iron worm. Okay. Iron worm. Oh, just it's, it's, it's going to be a bitch. But if you take this thing down, oh my God, like. That'd be so freaking, oh my God. We can take down a dragon? We'll see. We'll get like level ups after this, right? A dragon covered in armor.

I'd say two minimum. Like if you could take this thing down, like it's nasty. So like, it's, it's just one dragon, but holy shit. It's, it's, oof. It's a doozy. It's a gut check. That's what that is. Well, luckily we have the muscle of Splat with us. I think we'll be okay. And the power of Jerky. We can throw a Splat and the Jerky and then run. And then we'll be fine. Oh, wow. Brilliant plan. Then you just got to deal with Vella, so. She will understand. It'll be fine. No, she won't. (all laughing) She's my best friend. I don't know why she's become so attached to this gross creature.

We can find more Splat. Because Lisa is. Because Lisa is. (all laughing) We're in hell. You know, sometimes you gotta have an emotional support demon. You need a good thing. I just feel like. We've all had an ugly pet at some point. But like, you know. My pets are gorgeous. Objectively handsome. I think that's through a father's eyes. That's the problem. No, 'cause if they good looking, they don't come home with me. I'm very shocked. Wow. Here's the thing. I mean, you pay so much for like a dog, man. You gotta love it. Luna is a gorgeous creature, but one of the derpiest things I've ever come in contact with.

Like she takes. I know, but like. Huskies are just naturally pretty. So it's hard. You don't have an ugly husky. It's, it's, it's. But like, you picture like the majestic, like wolf, like, and it's like, no. It's this big, dumb, smiling dog that just does dumb shit all day long. But I love her. Like, but objectively, she gets by her looks. Did I ever tell you, I had a girlfriend in high school, end of story. It was a husky. It was great. No. (laughing) It was a husky. I had a girlfriend in high school who had a dog that was half German shepherd, half wolf. God damn, that's a lot.

She had a half wolf. The dog's name was Ivan. It was massive. That's a cool fucking name. He lost a finger every time you petted him. It was huge. It was like German. It was, it was wolf size, which you've ever, you've ever seen an actual wolf. Now they're big. They're big. It had a thick coat of a wolf and it was German shepherd coloring. It was the coolest dog. Wow. So damn, that's a badass dog. I've never seen such a cool dog. (laughing) That must have been massive. Relationship didn't last. I still think about that dog though. No. (laughing) Probably not around anymore.

So the opposite of Pitman, like they took the two most functional things and it's like, let's make a really cool dog. And then they took whatever's left over. It's like twins that Danny DeVito was Pitman.