The Meta

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

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- Howdy everybody. Thank you for being patient with us while we go to Dragon Con. It was, God, it was really something we needed. We haven't seen listeners in person in almost a couple of years, and we didn't realize how much we needed it. We got a little bit of con crud, but nothing too serious. So today's episode is a little bit meta. It involves a lot of gear talk and stats and things like that. But right now I'm recording an episode tonight with Forsaken and we're honestly back on track getting everything filled up in the meantime. Also, if you go and join our Patreon community, it's absolutely free and we're gonna be posting a ton of stuff from Dragon Con there.

The main live show will be in the feed here, but everything we're doing, all the other panels and stuff like that, that's all gonna be free and it's gonna be on our Patreon. I know that sounds weird. For years Patreon was just for folks who are supporting us and we absolutely appreciate that. That's how we live, but we're also gonna be posting updates and free stuff there. It's gonna be more of a community update page going forward. Of course, there's gonna be extra behind the scenes stuff and there's gonna be sessions and all kinds of things, but it's also gonna be a little bit of a hub for you to kind of stay up to date with what we're doing.

And of course the Discord is always free and it's a pretty thriving community. So once again, thank you everybody out there who helped us get to Dragon Con, who helped us perform. And I really hope you enjoyed today's episode. Oh, let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. Ah, Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master going around the table. I look, I'm just happy we're getting to play, okay? Anybody who's out there, it's been a rough month. Going around the table, starting with Mandy. - Me, hi guys, this is Mandy and I play Clover, the less lucky, kinda sorta beaten up, almost unconscious Red Dragonborn intern.

- And Ryan Haywood. - Hello, I'm your friend, Ryan Haywood and I'll be playing Olmo, the ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - We do closed captioning, could you repeat that just so I know the spelling? - Yeah, yeah, it's, oh, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. - I thought that was three O's then an owl, not a two O's. - Sorry, I stuttered. - It's okay, Jason, we'll fix it in post. - I'm just gonna abbreviate it to ouch. - Fair. - Oh, if you wanna listen about it, sure. - Yes. (laughing) - If you're not sure what that looks like, just imagine the Pee Wee Herman death scene, Paul Reuben's death scene from the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.

- Kill him a lot. - Artist. - I don't remember that. - Oh, you should watch it, that's the only reason you should watch that movie. Mr. Ryan Garner. - Sup everyone, I'm on my third drink today. My name is Ryan, I play Criv, the dragon born carpet right now. That would make a terrible carpet. - Although it would resist spills. - Can you imagine how much easier it'd be to get dirt off your feet on those ridges? - Oh, that's, yeah. I'm telling you, there's at least, in some world, I'm useful, right? - I say that every day, Ryan. I woke up today, now it's like, sweetie, in some world I am useful.

I am a utility player. Last and certainly not least, Xavier. - Hello, I'm Xavier, I play Zozo, the dragon born warlock rogue, no bits. No bits, just me, just me, me as well. Now it's a bit, it just got, it turned into a bit. - Oh, it's so meta, oh shit. - That's how I do it. - Can I, before we get started, I never do this, but for those of you guys out there who have been attending streams, I've been doing streams pretty much every weekday at 2 p.m. Eastern, and I've been doing, just painting streams, mini stuff, we've been talking about Warcraft, and then on weekends I've been doing Baldur's Gate 3, which is incredible.

Everything you've ever heard about it is only a portion. It is amazing, like truly, the Fallout New Vegas was the last time I've had conversations with this many people who have solved problems completely different, like it's really good. It's like, oh, did you see this thing yet? It's like, no. - Did you kick the squirrel? - I haven't kicked the squirrel, I haven't seen the genie yet, I have met the mushroom people. All of these things are real. - Yeah, that's true. - I don't know any of those, God damn it. - You'll get there, you'll see everything. But what I wanna do is say thank you to everyone who has shown up to those, and thank you to guys like David Shively and G.

Soto, and people who have donated and helped out. We have had a really rough week in terms of like PC repair stuff. It was a mess, and it happened a week before Dragon Con, which is, it's never a good time, but man, was it a bad time to happen. So thank you everybody out there so much, and thank you for just showing up to streams. We're gonna be doing those a lot more, but yes, everything seems to be fixed. Every time I say that, I'm waiting for all my screens to shut off, it hasn't happened. - Knock on the door. - I don't have any real wood next to me.

Does anyone have real wood that they can knock on? - I use my head. - I don't believe in luck. I make my own luck. - In this economy. - Maybe that's why, Judge. - It's... (laughing) - That game tries to give you luck, and Jason's like, "No, I'm going to turn off the luck. "I want the bad luck." And it's like, "No, Jason, please." - There's literally a check mark. It's like, "Oh yeah, if you're on a real losing streak," and God's like, "No, I want this to be just like real luck." Yeah, it's called Karmat Dice. - And that's why you died. - I've never seen that.

- And all I could think is, "No, Jason, "the world's giving you a freebie. "Take it with both hands for the love of God." - Nah, son. (laughing) - It's been not that unlucky. It just happens if you have a lot of little rolls. - Yeah, it'll give you a freebie. I don't even think it tells you. It just does it, so you're always wondering. - It's all behind the scenes. It just gives you a little boost. - Yeah, I don't do that in my games, and I don't want it done for me. One time, I stopped playing the first God of War because I died several times, and then the game asked me, it had the audacity, "Would you like to lower the difficulty?" I have never, I have nep- Once, while I was having all these problems, Bree suggested I take my computer to another person so that they could put their hands inside it.

Ew, no. Disgusting. Anyway. - Inside it. (laughing) - Guys. - So like your town feels about doctors. - Sorry. - No, we have a snake oil salesman who comes through every couple of weeks. - Oh, that's what happens in your neck of the woods. - Yeah, literally my neck of the woods. - You clean a banjo and everything. - He rolls into town, gives everybody a cup of internet, and rolls on out like he's- (laughing) Any who. Guys, you had a really rough time last time we sat down. It was a stressful, hard time, and sometimes, things don't go your way. Even though you got remarkably close to stopping Kysoth from erupting out of this mountain, it was so close, like very.

Didn't quite get there. And what we covered was you were beaten down, but all those things wanted to do was stop you. And once you stopped wiggling, they left you alone. And then once Kysoth got out of here, they're not really needed anymore. So they, you know, if you were to have died, they weren't gonna feel anything, but you know, no reason to hit you while you're down. That being said, you did wake up later with one hit point. So you're on the verge of death, and all of you are probably feeling it. What I'd love to do is to kind of get us back into that.

I'd love to know how each of you are feeling in this moment, because before happening upon this place, you didn't know that there was another black dragon. You didn't know any of this stuff. And throughout the course of a couple of hours, you guys have been through this place. You found out about the Blackwing cult and all this stuff. And now there is an ancient black dragon on the loose. So I think we should, not to make it a race thing, but I think we should start with Zozo. Like what's our resident black dragon born for you? - I mean, I warned you there would be a monologue early this episode, probably.

So why don't we start by the three others' internal thoughts and then Zozo will gladly let everybody know how he feels about this. - I picture this as a thing where, again, the top of this place, almost like a volcano, like it's gone. Like you can look up and like see sky, like all this stuff, like there was an explosion. The rubble didn't kill you, thankfully, but this thing is, it's obviously gone. So you probably wake up, there's probably, you know, like a smell of something like burning. There's probably some explosions in some other places of the complex.

And like, you're just kind of like coming to slowly blinking, even though, you know, it's picture this as like a skylight that's hundreds of feet up. It's still probably, it's like, oh, that's bright. Like just a little bit, even if it's a pinprick of light, it's probably, it's like, oh God, like that type of thing. - Everyone do me a favor. Give me a D20. I'd like to see something. - Oh, okay. - Oh, okay. These are some high rolls. Almost over 19. - Where were these last time? - Yeah, well, I'd like to think you had to recharge for a while, that's all. - We didn't have karmic dice on last time.

(all laughing) - That's it. 17, 19, 13, 13. So Clover is gonna be the first one to kind of get mobile here to kind of get, you know, I believe Clover was the last one to go down, weren't you? - No, I was second to last. - Second to last, Zozo was the last one. - Yeah. - Yeah, that's right, okay. So Clover, I imagine picks herself up. All of you are in rough shape, like real rough shape. What's Clover thinking? - Oh, Clover is just feeling many emotions. She understands nothing of the dragon thing. She's like, "We came in this place and they put us through all these things that were no fun and then these big rocks beat us up." She's like, so she's basically starting to weep and she goes over and she flops onto her cousin and just like, even though he's unconscious, it's just like, "Ugh, cousin, I hurt." It's like when my friends, they threw me down the mountain and they told me to crawl back up and I broke both my legs and they said to just, you know, keep going and it hurts like that.

It's just, ugh. It just, she's feeling many things and mostly pain and emo. - Emo? - Mostly broken bones. - Mostly, yeah. But yeah, she's gonna be like, "Wake up, I want a hug." - By those rules, by the way, Elmo would be the next one to wake up. - So he is going to blink really hard and wake up because the impact of his cousin landing on him awoken a fresh hell in his body that he had almost been able to ignore while that unconscious. And there is an aching body and a pain of bright light that has only been matched when partying with bottomless joy really hard and waking up outside in a ditch or something just from partying too hard.

Except it's his cousin crying on him and he remembers where he is and he remembers so much pain. But still this is his cousin, so he reaches his arm over and he hugs Chloe. He says, "Hey, no, no, yeah, yeah, you're okay. "I promise you're doing really good "and I'm super proud of you. "You did so good there. "And you're gonna feel better any minute now." And he uses a healing word on you. - Oh, that's a good one. - Nine hit points. - HP myself. It's like, oh, that feels so much better. That's so much better than when they rub dirt into my open wounds. - Yeah, I'm a good hugger.

- Yeah. - I would say Kriv and Zozo are waking up pretty much after that. You hear talking, people are moving around. You realize, oh, I'm not dead. Good? You kind of wish. It's like, oh man, but it hurts. Like it hurts a lot. - Yeah, so Kriv would kind of like, as much as he, it's probably like with one hand, right? He's laying down and with one hand, he kind of like pushes himself up and kind of scoots himself backwards to something to rest on. And then he tries to look up, squints, and then eventually tries to like focus in on it. And then he's just going to mumble something under his breath.

Like, did we just curse everyone? And then he's going to grab to where his, like his little totem necklace of his family used to be before he gave it. He's going to grab where that was and then just kind of sit there for a second, not even acknowledging the rest of the party of just like, did we just doom the world? Are they all going to die? Like was all this for nothing? I think it would be pretty easy to like, just to look at him and see that not only was, were we defeated, but he's kind of mentally defeated at this point as well. - All righty then.

Yeah. Yeah, so I was always taking out of the fight kind of like away from the group to kind of like almost back to the entrance wall. And so like, he's kind of like under a lot of dust and debris on his own and kind of like, he'll slowly get up. He's also like hurting, but there's some, like there's something on his mind that can like, allows him to ignore that pain. He starts limping towards that opening in the ceiling to have a better look at it, ignoring the rest of the party. And like, I imagine he's got one limp arm on his side, holding it with the other arm and kind of just like limping over there.

It just cuts everywhere, like blood going over one eye. And he just looks up at it on his own. And it starts small, but you can hear a little laugh, a little Zozo laugh. Just, (laughing) I did it. I did it. And he turns around to the group and just says, we did it. The age of black dragons has begun. (soft music) And if we want to secure a place at the top, and Aruthimar is the key. We are so close. We're so close to meet Kaizov on our terms. We lived, we lived, and we got to seize that chance to get more powerful, get stronger. And then, maybe then, (chuckles) if your people could make a deal with Strahd, and now if we can make the same deal with Aruthimar, maybe there's a chance we can make a deal with Kaizov, an accord for my people, away from Alara.

And maybe my people can be feared again and respected like you are. Maybe we don't have the fear of going extinct. Extinct, extinct? How do you people say that word? - Extinct was right on, you got it. - Extinct, okay. - Did. - Yeah. - Oh, the dungeon itself responded to you. (laughing) - That voice. - No, no, that's good. (laughing) - All right, but we don't have a lot of time now. So, Olmo, we might need your little help of your little friend. - Oh, by the way, Olmo, when you sing our legendary deeds, I call dibs on bringer of shadows as my nickname. - Oh yeah, let me write that down.

- The rest of you can pick whatever you want, I don't care. - All right, all my pencils are broken. - I'm Clover. - Yeah, there's a rock knocked out my sheet of paper. Okay, hold on, it's paper, it'll be fine. Okay, I got half a pencil, okay. Singer of shadows, was it singer? No, bringer of shadows. - Bringer, oh, whatever. I don't, you ruined it. - Do you wanna be singer of shadows, that's cool too. - I, yeah, that's kind of metal, okay, cool. - All right, yeah, how was your singing voice? We'll worry about that later. - Whatever that good, never that good. Okay, so lick your wounds.

We take whatever's back there in those glass cases and we keep going on our mission. Ow, who's with me, ow. - Elmo goes to look at the glass cases. Is there even any glass anymore? - Well, the glass is gone. I mean, it's on the ground mostly. - So it's there. - There's also, yeah. It's out of the way. There's a big crater, obviously, where the dragon was sort of under the, I almost said floorboards, under the stone works there and then it's, you know, that there's a big crater there, but on the opposite side. There's a bunch of what this looks like. Give me, you know what, give me an investigation.

- Investigation, nailed it. - Oh, whoa, 16. What this looks like, it's pretty ornate and it almost looks like, starting in like, okay, let's go all the way back to like Batman, the animated series. Any depiction of the Batcave, there's always these glass. It's like, oh, here's that time Two-Face almost crushed everyone with a penny. Like you see that, like, there's all the, and they're like, here's all the Robin costumes and stuff like that. It's almost like a bunch of these bits of weapons and armor and stuff. Like they've had either things donated or bits and pieces of magical stuff.

And it looks like they had people set aside or some fighting force that was in their head going to join Khaizov. Like, it's like, okay, let's get out there people. Let's be somebody. Like they figure Khaizov goes up. And since we let Khaizov free, we worship Khaizov. I mean, we got a seat at the table, baby. Like, so this is them putting on their Sunday best. They're, you know, like this is them mimicking a fraction of Khaizov's power to kind of be part of. So all this stuff is like, it's even the stuff that isn't scale is, it all kind of fits like a color coordinated thing.

It looks like they're like Power Rangers, basically. They all like, it's all very. - Oh yes. (laughing) - I want all of it. Please let's be a cool Power Rangers group, please. - So all this, you know you're part of this, this, this Rekon crew, right? It's all very like, like one of these is just a big scale male, like a black kind of chromatic outfit. And all of these other ones have varying degrees of that same kind of look. So this looks like a uniform, but all of this stuff seems to kind of be piecemeal. Like it's like, oh, we don't have five or 10 or 20 of the same suits of armor.

We have a bunch of artifacts we've been hoarding and we've kind of retrofitted it to fit this scene, this, you know, - Motif aesthetic. - Yeah, so essentially like there's a big suit of armor. There's little bits of like bits and bobs belts and all kinds of stuff. And all of this is like, just looking at it, it's like, oh, there's not a piece in here that's aesthetic. Like it's very aesthetically pleasing. It looks bad-ass, but like everything in here is some degree of magic. Like everything in here does something. This was kept very far away from everybody in glass cases.

And to get to this stuff, like you're basically in their vault, that type of thing. - Grab it all. - Is there an instruction manual? - Oh boy. - Nope, okay. - Well, here's the problem. - It was destroyed and the ceiling collapsed. - Yes, a little. So that, so okay. All that stuff, when the glasses, if you go up to it, each thing was labeled. And if you were to touch the glass, it would kind of, it's like, oh, here's how the, it's like a little, like you're at the aquarium and it's like, you hit the button and it tells you, it's like the manta ray, blah, blah, blah.

You know what I mean? It's like that. But all that's tanked now. And some of the stuff is kind of like hanging off, like hanging off pegs and stuff like that. It's all still intact, but like, it's not as pleasing to the eye. Like it looks like someone did everything, but robbed the place. Like they broke all the stuff, but then didn't take anything. - So from what you're saying, is any of the identifying stuff intact enough to at least get partials or even names that don't match so we can at least get some kinds of ideas for things? - Just give, tell us what they look like, all of them.

- Oh, absolutely, yeah. - Paint a picture. - Of course. How, you know what? I'll do you one better. I will go through all this stuff, but I can actually share a loot table with all of you. - Loot table. - Now, the thing is, I need, who's trained in Arcana? - I don't think I am, even though I say I am. - I don't think he is. - I am not, I have minus one. - I have Jack of all trades. - Okay, that's fine. - A little bard. - I'm half trained. - Half trained. - Anyone else? No? Okay, that's as good as we got. That's our boys, that's our gang, our buddies. Right down the middle.

- Okay, yeah. So, okay. I would say that the stuff in Olmo's wheelhouse, there's a couple of blunt instruments in here. There's a couple of, you're like, "Oh, I know what that does," like that type of thing. - Yeah. Good news, guys, I know what the hammers do. - There's also like that big dragon scale mail thing. I'll give you that one. I'll give you that one for free, like right off the bat. - Thank you. - That is essentially armor that you can turn on once a day, and it essentially makes you invulnerable. Like we're talking for the very brief window that it works.

We're talking like 10 minutes. You are the shit. And like you're looking at that, it's like, "Oh man, that is some great egg construction." Do you see, do you see the bindings here? Do you see, oh man, yeah. And you also kind of get the impression that like, they didn't do the faux fur thing. Like some kind of dragon had to die, but it wasn't a black dragon. They have colored these scales after the fact, like in praise of Kysoth, but it's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, this is a lesser dragon." I don't know, you know what I mean? Like they kind of, you know what I mean?

They're kind of like, but a lot of this other stuff you're kind of, like look at it and go, it's like, they got like anime figurines and shit in here, guys. Like it's like, there's all kinds of stuff in here. Like there's literal figurines. There's like, it's like, oh man, that one's too top heavy. I don't know how she's standing up. That is, her posture must be terrible. They're really, yeah. - You have to say it's morphing time in order to activate that invulnerability. - I insist upon it. - So who here can worst scale mail real quick? - You. - Yes, me, but can clover or zozo worst scale mail?

- No, just a two big boys. - Okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm in chain. - I don't even know what kind of armor I have. - Your pellet is-- - Heavy or medium, I assume it's a heavy, right? - I have seen this one. - Scale mail. - I believe so. So there's a couple of different, like, here we go. - Scale mail is medium with an AC of 14. - Okay. I still can't, but cool. - He would offer it to you first, Criv, and give you the rundown of what it does. - To who? - To Criv. - I honestly don't know if Criv would take it. So he would see the fact that it's scale mail to be lesser.

- Yeah, but again, when you activate it, you just gotta say, "It's morphin' time." And when you do that, it does, like, you're invincible for like 10 minutes. Like, you can't be hurt. So yeah, it's like, yeah, it's not quite, first of all, its style is amazing, right? Its style is just, it's really cool. But like, not being able to be hurt at all, there's a few times that would have been really useful lately. - Is there anything heavier? - Yes. You're not trained in arcana, right? Yeah, there's a big old rock. No, there's a couple of like, bulky, if I had to put, they're almost mech suit looking, like they're very, almost space marine armor, like big, heavy, like- - 'Cause when we join and make the Megazord.

- That's what, yeah, that's, yeah. Those are definitely legs, definitely, yeah. - I am ready for this. - So Criv will, 'cause he's still like leaning up against something, like sitting down, he's gonna use his pike to like stand himself up, and then he's gonna point at like, well, what about that? And he's gonna point to what Jason was just talking about, and then he's gonna start hobbling over. - Well, I don't know. I don't know any stories about that in particular. I don't recognize any of the symbols on it offhand. Looks awesome, probably. - Probably, I don't know.

- Yeah, I don't, I didn't, I, there's lots of marks and etchings on just about all this stuff that suggests it's magical, but most of the stuff, a lot of the stuff, I don't recognize any of it. - Oh my God, are y'all lifting your noses at these? Just take anything, even if you don't know how it works, just put it on, we'll figure it out. We gotta get more powerful, whatever the cost. - All right. - That is- (laughing) - I'm spitting facts. - I partially agree with you. I don't trust Kysoth in any sense. What if he's gonna leave behind some shit? Then I'm gonna take what we need.

- All right, what kind of armor can you two wear? Let's see what we can find for you. No idea what it'll do, but we'll find you something. - Jason, Endurant can wear light armor, but I do have one, at least one ability that says I have to be unencumbered. I can still wear though, if I wanted to just not be fast, right? - True. It does affect some dodging stuff, but there's lots of bits of jewelry and stuff here too, like magical bits of bracelets, bangles, earrings. - Can you get another luck thing? - Well, it has to call to me. - Wait, I know, hold on. - Are you still picky about the magical armor?

(laughing) - Oh, God. - Let's go to give it out correctly. - Let me see if I can- - Just give me the katana. Where's the katana? - Let me see if I can do something about this. - Okay, clean. - Hey, Cosmentor. - Give it a little rub? - Yeah. - Just a little like- - Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for a leak. - Give it a lick. - Yeah, give it a lick. Give- - Brian, gross, I saw that. (laughing) - Now that the cameras aren't showing, now it's the one that you started to like really- - Brian Darn it. - Don't let on that I'm not wearing pants, geez. - Ew. - That's for us. You gotta pay, guys.

That's the, no, okay. Cosmentor is going to come right out, by the way. Just like, whoa, just explode out of this thing. (gasping) Oh. Oh. I couldn't get out of there. I'm so sorry, Master. - No, yeah, no, sure. All powerful, yeah. Things are like that. We're gonna, okay. I was with Bottomless Joy long enough to learn three very powerful words called Breach of Contract. When I summon you for a wish, you're supposed to come out and do that, and you didn't do that, and I lost a finger and Clover lost her, Clover, and we all got hurt a lot, and now there's a dragon loose doing some crazy stuff, and I really wish you were there, and boy, let's start to make good, though.

What's all this stuff do? - As you're saying all this stuff. He's kinda, he's kinda, kinda like, yeah, like just kind of a, oh, yeah. - Well, please know that it caused me extreme pain, physically, to not be able to come and grant your wishes. I mean, we are on a bit of a timetable, but there was some sort of suppression. - Oh. Well, it's too bad that you're not an all-powerful genie that has, you know what? - Oh, mostly powerful. - I guess, what could have done this, that where you couldn't do it, where you couldn't come out? - Sorry, hold on, there's still a bit of a sword in my shoulder right here, could you get that?

Oh, just get a good grip on it. - I'll get it, and I won't even ask for a wish, how's that? Even Steven, Squaresies? - No, no, not even, not even Stevens. My finger is caught. - You know what, I'm sure it'll work its way out by itself somehow. - No, I think that finger's gone. Like, I think that that's, well, I could replace the finger if that would be helpful. - That's, you know what, that would be super helpful. It's really gonna be hard to play music without that finger. - Give me your hand. - Will you give it back? - I'll give it back, plus. - Ooh, all right, yeah.

- You gotta word it carefully though. - Yeah. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no wish involved, I can, again, this does drain my power quite a bit, but I do want to make amends for this, even though it wasn't my fault, and I do want it on record that it wasn't my fault. (laughing) - No, he had to give that finger away. That's good, it's good that it's gone. Don't listen to me. - Just hold up your hand. - Okay, yeah, here you go. (beeping) - Oh no. - And there's gonna be kind of a magic swirl kind of around where your pinky is, and bits and bobs from around here are going to kind of float toward your hand, and he's essentially going to build you a robot finger.

- Bad ass. - It's a robot pinky, and it even comes complete with a built-in pinky ring. It's kind of like a pinkish ruby affair, but this pinky, oh my God, it's a real, it's twice as responsive as your old pinky. - Damn. - I'll be way better and way faster on the hitting the shift key when I'm gaming now. - Oh, Fortnite you won't know what happened to it. Like it's gonna be, it's... - That is, that's really, that's really good. Thank you. - Okay, well, while 'cause Mentor's here, Olmo, how many wishes you got left? - Was it two or three? Three, I have three.

Do you want me to use one to figure out what all this is? - I don't even, I don't, if we have three, whatever, maybe. I just, we can just take them and use them, whatever, but we're gonna need at least one. - Yeah. - And I'll make my case for it. - Okay. What, I'm sure, you know what? I had to sign a sheet of paper that said I had to ask all of you first. So what do you think, Griff? - Yeah, you got my blessing. - Okay. - Let's ask about the stuff for one, see if we can get more of an explanation. - Okay. - No funny stuff. He's gonna like point over to cause Mentor.

- Can it come in the form of a candy again? - No. (laughing) - But, oh, my arms. - So. (laughing) - It's a lollipop, like at the doctor's. - It's like, oh no, she learns. She learns that if she, if she. (laughing) - So what do you think? Just like a list or a small book written in a Draconic or something that says what it all does? Or just that we magically know in a language that we understand what everything does? What all these have to do? 'Cause we do have to be specific. - I don't care. Like, Crib has just worn out by this point. He's just like, we just need to know.

Does it really matter how we get it? Let's just get the information in a way that we can understand it. - Yeah. - If it's through candy. - Sure, if it's just imprinted into our brain. - How, yeah, how about some sort of loop table that we could just like access and see? - Um. Uh. - Stat blocks and everything. - Cosmentor, how do you do with meta? (laughing) - Um, okay, so, Cosmentor, I, all these magic items that we found in here, I wish we knew what they all did in a way that we understood. And continue to understand. - I'm terrified. - And that's your wish.

- Does that sound like a bad idea? - No. - It occurs to me that I'm not as good a communicator all the time as I would really like to be, Cosmentor. So what does it sound to you like that looks like? Is that something you can do? - Well. - I'm sorry, that sort of is really getting my shoulder blade right there. - Just turn the hell around, I got it, I got it. - That's the last freebie. - Oh, God. - I didn't say I was going to be gentle, also. - Nope, it was good though. - I have been suffering from some tech issues as of recently, but now I seem to be back, it's fine.

- He's good with the meta, okay, good to know. - All right, let's do this. - I will say that there are quite a lot of objects here. Some of them are very complex, and there are a few that I don't fully understand for some reason, but I can give you all the knowledge that I have, and I don't think your brains will explode. - Beach of Contract. - Beach of Contract? - Beach of Contract? - She doesn't know anything, she's like, "Huh?" - That's so good. I'm so mad that that's good, that's so good, damn it. - I just pictured three of us, just our heads turn. - What?

- You heard that right. - Yeah, she'll be here. - Beach of Contract. - Contract, is she a baby now? - Yes. - I mean, if you don't think our heads will explode, okay. - He's gonna crack his fingers. - All right, everyone hold still, this part is very important. (growls) I'm sorry, that's just something I say to kind of warm up, that wasn't any inherent magic in that now. - Are you pumped up? You need a light or something in your mind? - Not good. Moo, mee, moo, moo, mee, moo. - Do we need to tune up? - He's stalling, he's stalling for time. - He is going to just like, there's going to be this ray of light, this, it's like, it's going to feel like a migraine, but there is a flood of information, like years of study, not just like, I'm going to read you the instructions.

This is like, if I could walk up to you and say, oh, we're going to play this new game, here's the 400 page rule book, you can either read it or I can hit you in the head with it. And osmosis will just take care of it. And it's like, is it worth the headache? - Yes. - I would say yes too. - Does it do one point of damage? Because if so, my answer is no. (laughing) - So I need everybody to do me a favor and give me a constitution save. - Oh fuck. - And we're all back out again. - Okay. - Ooh. - Oh, okay. All right. - All right. - Yay. - Wow, the lowest one, that's 17.

- That's pretty good. All right. - Damn good rolls, team. - Yeah, shit. Good job guys. - Damage-free pain. - Yeah, this, you're fine. Like this isn't about, yeah. So most of this is going to, it's like years of study wash over you. Like not only do you know many of these things, but it's going to be like, oh yeah, like I've read several books on the subject, like that kind of thing. Right off the bat, I'm going to read off everything that you're going to know. Okay. - All right. - And I'm also going to describe some things that you didn't quite get to take in.

First off, we've got a set of furry handcuffs. - Yup, yup, there we go. - Right off the bat. - Right off the bat. - Do they only work on furries? - But a furry jam. - So these can be placed on a person and the shackles adjust to fit a small or large size creature in addition to serving as mundane, you know, like their handcuffs. They prevent a creature bound by them from using any method of extra dimensional movement, including teleportation or travel into a different plane of existence. They don't prevent the creature from passing through in an interdimensional portal, but they can't open one.

You and any creature you designate when you use these shackles can use an action to remove them. Once every 30 days, the bound creature can make a DC 30 strength check on a success. The creature breaks free and destroys the shackles. - Awesome. - I don't know if that's gonna come in handy, but they're in the case. - Are you gonna have a list, Waiter? 'Cause I don't-- - I got you, baby. - Okay, I'm like, I don't wanna table this. - You don't have to write that, nope, I got you. - All right. - I'll start writing and just enjoy the sound of this, yeah. - No, no, no, I've got, I got a whole table ready for you and I can even drag and drop it to your individual characters.

You decide, I got you. - Yeah, I'm here to make your job easier. - Who wants that? - No. - I'll take it. - Hold up, hold up the furry caps. (all laughing) - You may wanna hear about these other things. - Oh no, you know what he would be, yeah. - Touching circles. Van diagram is what I was looking for. - I like touching circles. - I was gonna say, if you give those to Clover, Clover will immediately be locked in them somehow. - Get stuck in. - Yeah. - I think it's like, guys, see you in 30 days. Like just. - No, I can't get out, okay. - There is a beautiful figurine in here.

Not at the anime variety. It is this gorgeous silver raven. And this thing is just oozing magic. It's a wondrous item, as a matter of fact. A figurine of wondrous power. A statuette of a small raven that can fit in a pocket. It's a little big though. It's like how technically a steam deck could fit in like cargo pants, like technically, but not really. It wasn't built for that. If you use an action to speak the command word and throw the figure to a point on the ground within 60 feet of you, the figurine becomes a living creature. If the space where the creature would appear is occupied by other creatures and objects, or if there isn't enough space, blah, blah, blah, this is all fine print stuff.

Here's the cool stuff. Creature is friendly to you and your companions. It understands your language and obeys your spoken commands. The creature exists for a duration specific to each figurine. This is part of a set. At the end of the duration, the creature reverts to its figurine form. It reverts to a figurine early if it drops to zero hit points, or if you use an action to speak the command word again while touching it. While the creature becomes, when the creature becomes a figurine again, its property cannot be used again until a certain amount of time has passed, which is specific to the figurine.

So there is a couple of other things here, but you can use this. The animal messenger spell comes with it. It can, you can see through its eyes for a certain amount of time. So this could be invaluable in certain situations. - Handy dandy. That sounds like a clover. Sounds like a clover. - It's her friend. - Can I have a new one? - There is, Ryan, Mr. Heywood. - Hello. - I need you to do me a favor and roll a d20. Now, depending the higher the number, the cooler this is, the lower the number, aesthetically, the lamer this is going to be. - Well, if you'll excuse me, I believe I'm due for a bomb.

Let's see what happens. - No, I didn't bomb. I got a 15. I was wrong. I'm sorry. I let you down. - So there is a guitar. In this case, pristine, nothing touched this bad boy. What's interesting about this are all of the strings, kind of think more electrically than acoustic. All of the strings of this seem to be almost elven. Like there is a light blue magic coating all of this, and it's got this deep, cool water feel to it. But the rest of the guitar appears to be on fire all of the time. - Yes. - I feel excuse. - This is the guitar. - I need you guys to get the hell out of my way while I grab this thing.

- This is the guitar of blasting. - Guitar of blasting. - The guitar of blasting. So as you play this thing, those flames are going to kind of erupt from you. So think the Mad Max guy on the front of the big rigs, like that dude. So you can use an action to speak the guitar's command word and then strum. It's a lute, technically it's a guitar, which emits a thunderous blast and a 30 foot cone that's audible 600 feet away. Each creature in the cone must make a DC 15 constitution saving throw on a failed save. A creature takes five D six thunder damage and is deafened for one minute.

On a successful save, a creature takes half as much damage and isn't deafened. Creatures and objects made of glass or crystal have disadvantage on the saving throw and take 10 D six damage instead of five D six. Each use of the guitar's magic has a 20% chance of causing the guitar to explode. The explosion deals 10 D six fire damage to the strummer and destroys the guitar. - Oh shit button. - I mean, it's only 20%. It's a 25 maybe. - Sorry. - I would like that in my inventory immediately, please. (laughs) - I got you. - Bless you. - Thank you. He's kind of did it out of the mirror.

- Yeah, it's fine. I got you. - So you will have to learn the Bon Jovi song, Blaze of Glory. - I'm more of a dead or alive guy, but that's fine. I played too much Rock Band 3. - I understand. - I want to get Rock Band again. We talked about just buying everything we need just to have. - I just, you know, it almost came back and it just, it just didn't quite. - If we'd thought ahead, we could have made sure that somebody had all the Rock Band stuff available at Dragon Con and we could have rocked out together. - I think that's a 2024 thing. - There we go. - It's like a $2,000 business expense.

We'll just, we'll write it off. - Who's business, Ryan? 'Cause that's very important. - I mean, if it's for DNR, then there we go. We can have a goal on Patreon to get it, right? - Rock Band 3 at Dragon Con. - Oh my God. I got a wedding coming up. - Can you think of all the streams? - Yeah. You can't, here's the problem. We tried that. Alex and Ian came over when we were back in Auburn. They silenced the entire stream 'cause it's all licensed music. We didn't think about that. - But we stream Guitar Hero and stuff all the time. - I don't know. Maybe it's changed in the years since, but I don't know.

Anyway. - You create your own platform there. That's what you need to do now. - We'll just do it on Discord, yeah. - Oh, there you go. - Anyway. - Can't do anything there. - There are two sets of armor that are identical, those big, like the... - This podcast is supported by Progressive, a leader in RV insurance. RVs are for sharing adventures with family, friends, and even your pets. So if you bring your cats and dogs along for the ride, you'll want Progressive RV Insurance. They protect your cats and dogs like family by offering up to $1,000 in optional coverage for vet bills in case of an RV accident, making it a great companion for the responsible pet owner who loves to travel.

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- Yeah, I did time but you don't gotta cast aspersions at me - From the director of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and the Bourne Identity comes a new film. - It's your first job? - I know what I'm doing. - A little late for a crit change. - Starring Matt Damon. - Everybody in New England is after us. - And Casey Affleck. - Go, go, go, go, go! - What are you doing? - Taking notes. - Taking notes on a criminal conspiracy. - The Instigators, rated R. Streaming August 9th on Apple TV Plus. - Big deal, but you're picking up different magic signatures but you don't understand, like it's all in like gibberish.

Like it's like, yeah, like you get that same sense of like, yeah, I studied all about this. I read four books in language I don't read. Like it's that kind of thing. - The Bracers of Defense. This is easy. While wearing these bracers, you gain plus two to AC while wearing no armor and using no shield. - I might get Clover. - That's not your second Clover. - Ah, there's that dragon scale mail. You gain, that's a plus one bonus to AC. It is medium armor. Those two. - Medium at 17 then? - 15. - 15. - 15. Those two big ones though, those are heavy armor, 18 AC. - Oh shit, you know what?

I could take, are we going to do a few? I could hold onto it and take your feet down the line just to wear the scale mail one. - And you both can take the big ones. - So basically the scale mail one while wearing this armor, you get plus one to AC. You have advantage on saving throws against frightful presence and breath weapons. And you know what's interesting about this one? Remember how I said that it is, it's made to look like black dragon scales. Now, normally that would give you advantage against acid. This was taken from a red dragon. - Yeah, okay.

- So this gives you fire resistance. That's what the rest of the party already has, but you don't because you're a black dragonborn. - All right, Crave didn't want it, it's mine. Move, move, move, move. Just picking out, moving aside the glass shards. - Yeah, like just sifting through. So like some of the stuff, like the guitar is like, oh, that's easy. There's little rings and stuff in here. The ring of regeneration. - Boy. - While wearing this ring, you regain one D six hit points every 10 minutes provided that you have at least one hit point. If you lose a body part, the ring causes the missing part to regrow and return to full functionality based on when you first put the ring on.

After one D six plus one days, if you have at least one hit point remaining. - I think Crave is desperately... He keeps getting hurt. Crave always takes damage. Always. - I could take that. - Remember it's like one D six per 10 minutes. So it's not an income bad thing. - Yeah. - It's just like, you just live your life and you get better. - Right now would have been great. - Yeah. - Yeah, it would have been nice. Ring of warmth while wearing this ring, you have resistance to cold damage. In addition, you and everything you wear and carry are unharmed by temperatures as low as negative 50 degrees Fahrenheit.

- That was nice. - Fahrenheit has been there. Yeah. So that's like what? Negative 10 Celsius? - I don't know, man. - I don't either. It's all these years you'd think I'd know. I don't know. - Someone tell us on Discord. - I'm not even gonna Google it. - Just I'm not even here. - I'll learn about it in three weeks. - Tell me how dumb I am. How far I was off. - Oh no. - There's a whip. This is just flat out a whip plus one whip. - After you said that almost literally just strums out on the guitar real quick that little bit of Devo right there. - Correct there. Hammer of thunderbolts.

- Oh, that's me. Thank you, please. - Some of you are making out. So, okay. Oh man. - You saw us? Sorry. I'm so embarrassed. Oh, we're making out well. Okay, sorry. - You gain. So it's a plus one to attack and damage rolls made with the magic. So this is a mall technically. There's a bunch of other stuff, but you have to collect more of the set to unlock it. - There's a decent chance. Some of that is in here, the way this is going. - Just Diablo or something. - Oh, and then there's just like a deck of playing cards in here too. - Yeah, that's nothing. - Can we get that?

That's yours. - The fancy deck or this deck of playing cards? - They're so, they're really nice looking. There's definitely some magic in here. They're kind of like, instead of like a paper deck, picture them like a stiff, like almost made of resin or plastic type of thing. Like they're very like, and each one of them kind of has like the, any of the writing on it's kind of like sparkly and laden and stuff, but like, yeah, it's like a sealed deck. - It's like a mad gathering of magical cards. - It is, yes. Some sort of sorcerers created it. Sorcerers on the West, I would say.

- Never trust a magic deck. (laughing) - Yeah. You know what sucks is, so these sorcerers used to like, they would pay bards and stuff and they would, they would sing tales of new things that these sorcerers would come up with. And now what they do is they create these little minions and kind of use AI bards to do some of their stuff now. And it's just really, it's not the same, you know, they used to give back to the community more. Real petty, real petty sorcerers. That's it guys. That's all the stuff. - That's pretty good. - So the only things we don't have called is the whip, ring of warmth, and the two large sets of armor.

- Isn't that for you guys? - I feel like they're for you guys, the large ones. - Okay. I mean, you're the only two who can wear heavy armor. Yeah. - The only thing about it is, I mean, you got the same stuff in your head as I do. None of the stuff that has anything to do with describing what it does makes any sense. - Well, it protects you more than what you have on now. - Unless it's weirdly coded hard to understand the armor of exploding. - That sounds awesome. - That does sound awesome. - And if it explodes your guitar, then it's even bigger explosion. - Okay, you know what you sold me.

- If we're in a bind, we just throw Olmo at a problem. Let it solve itself. - All right, so we'll be the fusion people. - All right. - That'd be great. - I think- - As far as whip, I could deliver sneak attacks with it. Like I can use it. It's not like anyone can grab it. I'm not hugely for it, but I'll make use of it. - I think you should also get the ring of warmth 'cause then you'll, isn't that three resistances? - No, damn, stacking the resistance. - Oh my God, you'll be amazing. - Real quick. My robot finger, you said there was already a ring on it. - Well, it's kind of, it's more, it's not function, it's form.

Yeah, it's just meant to- - Still haven't just checking. - Yeah, yeah. - Now you wouldn't want to get your finger regenerated now. Right, okay. I have a cool robot finger. If it ever breaks, I might ask if I can borrow your regeneration ring for a while, but. - There's a warranty, don't worry. - If Clover takes the whip, then that's three apiece. - I don't want it. - Nope. (laughing) - Do I end up- - One, no, weird. I mean, I do like whips like in real life, but Clover's just like, "What?" - Really, Mandy, go on. - Okay, 'cause like Final Fantasy VIII had- - Oh yeah.

- He's just amazing. So I'm just like. Also, I like to watch this Instagram guy that does whips and he's really fun. Whips, it's fun. - I don't pay for that account, so I can't see it. Like, is it like an OnlyFans thing? (laughing) - He's so mean. - I'm not mean. Look, anyway. - I want your card. - Do you want the cards? - I want the cards. - Playing cards? - Yeah. - Sure, I can use the playing cards. So okay, going down the list. It sounds like whip goes to Zozo. - I'll take it. I can give the furry handcuffs to someone who's got less items. Like Criv, I think. You're the cop.

You're the cop of the group. - He is a cop. (laughing) - You're the fuzz, get the fuzzy handcuffs. (laughing) - Sure. - Yeah. - Hammer of Thunderbolts is going to Alma. Ring of Warp is going to Zozo. Regeneration? Who wanted Regeneration? Ah, Criv, good, yes, good. Scale Mail was going to Zozo. - Yeah. - To kind of bank it for now, just like-- - Yeah, 'cause if I wear it, I can't-- - If you have a big Scale Mail thing in your backpack, yeah. - If I wear it now, I can't cast spells or do anything, Dex or Strength. - Braces of Defense. - That was a clover. - That sounds, yeah, that's very clover, got it.

- I want it. - Figurine, we got the Silver Raven. - That was clover as well. - Okay. - I will accept, yes. - All right. Shackles go to our Hot Cop Cribs. Now, the two identical looking suits of armor. That was Crib and Olmo? - Yeah. - Sounds like it. - Okay, well, do me a favor. We need to figure out, I'm just gonna give one of them heads and one of them tails. - Okay. - One through 10 is suit of armor one. 11 through 20 is suit of armor two. Mr. Garner, can you give me a D20, please? - Absolutely. - Look at that. - Oh, Jesus. Look at that crit. - Who are you? - So, okay.

For the meta, you guys are gonna put these suits on and they are going to bound themselves to you. - Oh, okay. - Okay. - All right. - Crib, you're getting the armor of invulnerability. You have resistance to non-magical damage while you wear this armor. Additionally, you can use an action to make yourself immune to non-magical damage for 10 minutes or until you no longer are wearing the armor. Once the special action is used, it can't be used again until dawn. You cannot remove this armor unless the magic within it is dispelled. - Like even bath wise, I can't.

- It's just in there, buddy. You're just gonna have to, but there's a lot of room in it. You can slash some stuff around and stuff. - I'm gonna need a bath buddy to just help me get places that I can't get. - I know a guy. - Is he gonna poop in there? Ew. - No, no. - There's a little flap. - Yeah, there's like a drawbridge in the back. Like it comes down. - And his pantaloons. - Okay, I'll take it. - Yeah. Mr. Haywood. - That was quite a laugh. - You get the armor of vulnerability. Now hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. (laughing) - It sounds worse than it is.

- That sounds pretty bad. - While wearing this armor, you have resistance to one of the following damage types. Bludgeoning, piercing, or slashing. The GM chooses the type or determines it randomly. I'm gonna ask you to pick. You can pick any of the three. This armor is cursed. A fact that is revealed only after we, I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do get resistance to one of those types, but you have a vulnerability to the other two types. So let's say you choose bludgeoning. You have a resistance to bludgeoning. Someone can hammer at you all day. And no matter what, magical, non-magical, you got a resistance to it.

But any stabbing or slashing, you're vulnerable to it. So you take double damage. It can be removed though. Like you have to get it disenchanted, but it can be removed after that. - Okay, I mean, some fights will be the tank. Some fights you'll be the bard, you know? (laughing) Stand back and sing a little. You just have to be more dynamic. - I think, I think like, between the guitar and the armor and the hammer, I think you're gonna be okay. I think you're gonna be okay. So gonna slide that over to Ulmo and the last thing. Do you wanna know what it is? Clover.

- What? - No. - Wait. - Hold on, let me put it aside. Mandy, I'm not talking about Clover. I'm talking about Mandy. Do you know how you like to press buttons? - Yes. - I'm gonna slide the deck of many things into your-- - It really is. I was like, no way. I was like, it is just a deck of cards, isn't it? Oh, God damn it is. - I love you. - I love this thing, but also I hate it. (laughing) - That's a perfect character for it. - It's so good. So this was a really fun campaign. I just wanted to say that I really had fun with everything up until now. - Oh, I'm gonna read this and-- - Take your time.

Take your time. Do your thing. - That armor really sucks though. That's a pickle. It's, I have used it. I think I've used it in group two actually. - Yes you do, I know it well. - I did use that in PG2 before and it didn't work out there, but I think we're due. I think we're due. - Yeah. - I mean, we can put a focus on, or you do have a wish. - I do. - You have two wishes. - Do you have a wish? - You got a wish. - Oh, that, well, I gotta make my case before you use the wishes. We got two left. One we gotta use to get to that artifact. We gotta destroy it. We gotta get there now.

The other one, well, I mean, he kinda like looks at all the blood covering him and like everybody's bones piercing through their skins. They're like, well, maybe we get healed and then we get teleported. - Well, to be fair, if we're gonna get teleported, then we can rest here. Then we can start to use our magic again. - There's a dragon on the loose. - But if we were gonna just walk there. - You're tall. - I say, I kinda wanna look at, see if the entrance is completely caved in. - Get, get, get, get, get, give me a D20. - I kinda wanna see if the entrance is caved in to see if like those medallions that we were supposed to have are on somebody and see, 'cause if those were the kind of thing that would help here, maybe they would help there. 'Cause it sounded like some of the same people might've been involved.

- I think, so with a five, I think all the luck that you guys had in not being buried alive in rubble, the rest of the complex did not receive that amount of luck. So I, you guys are kinda like, I don't wanna use the word trapped. You are definitely hampered. You are restrained in this place. You'd have to do some digging to get the hell out. - I have this all figured out. I have this thing in my inventory called rope. (laughing) - Oh, no. - I thought you were gonna use net. - Yeah. (laughing) - It's as you wish. - Literally. (laughing) But if you, Kriv, wise leader, if you think we could save more lives by going faster and using a wish to get healed and then going about our mission, I recommend using both wishes to do so.

I then be rid of Kuzmentor for good. Thank you. - Wow. Rude. - Yes. (laughing) - Master. - Yeah. - Clarification question. - Yeah, 12 minutes. - Two. One, the bill does come due after your last wish, you do understand. But you do have plenty of time to make it. Two, am I to understand that the black dragon is a concern or an ally? - Well, I suppose it depends on who you ask. Potentially, though the one that we released is potentially very helpful to some communities of Dragonborn, assuming that there is a certain amount of helpfulness or persuasiveness. However, there may have also been some word or thought or I don't know where this would have came from that it might just decide to go and destroy whatever nearest communities are around.

Which, you know, it's not ideal. - That's true. - What about the white dragon? - Sorry, who? - The white dragon. - Where? In here? - No. No, no, no. The one that hatched in Esterhope recently. - No, that was years ago, she's dead. - He's gonna kind of like-- - I think I've been told about, I think I know about this. - He's gonna kind of like, hold on, and like kind of put some feelers out there. - No, it's alive. The one that was hatched recently, Esterhope. Is it like, wait, the big one is the one you were talking about, so-so, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Saw around the sky periodically. - Ruth Amara made short work of her. - That is correct, yes. There was one that hatched in Esterhope. I'm picking this up anyway, I don't know if it's-- - Wait, a second one wasn't the other one? - Well, there's a group of dragon enthusiasts, some sort of club, I believe in Esterhope, if I understand. - These assholes again. Now they have their dragon. Hey, oh, I slammed on my table. (laughing) - You want me to conjure a table, I can do that. Like I can just like-- - Oh, so they think they can have their own dragon. - I got the dragon first.

These assholes, they're gonna get what they deserve. - Wait, wait, wait. So there's a-- - I'm gonna send guys off over Esterhope or something. I'll think about it. - So there's a young white dragon who has recently hatched in Esterhope. - Yes. I kind of thought this was common knowledge. My understanding is it came from Brightport. There was an egg. It was smuggled to Esterhope for these dragon enthusiasts and they're doing some sort of experimentation with magic to enhance its size, embiggen it. - Great. Well, now we have a mission after this mission. At least I have.

Okay, well. This is not the order of the scales problem. We can deal with the white dragon later. I don't want their help. They might be a problem. Ah, there's-- Dragons weren't supposed to be a problem. What's going on? I'm confused and angry. - Your dragon may try to go kill everything. - My dragon's a Ruthimar. This one's kind of just like another cool dragon. - Okay, so what happens if Kysoth directly opposes the Ruthimar? - Oh. - There was a reason it was sealed away. It's aggressive. - Crib's just gonna like point. Just like see? - Yeah, I mean, I'm sure Strahd was aggressive too.

And you guys made him docile. There might be a way to convince him to just go dormant and just get fat while my people just give him offerings. - There's actually a funny story about Strahd if anyone would like to hear it. - Oh, I love stories. - How long is it? - I got time. - Getting mixed opinions? I'll give you the short version. - Strahd had actually enjoyed quite a long reign of doing whatever it wanted, but it actually managed to settle down with a dragon of a different color, have tons of sex, and get fed by the locals. It was quite a sweet deal.

He only had to clock into work once. - So what, we hook him up with the white dragon from Estherhold? They hit it off good, and that's the plan? - Well, you can't just stick two dragons in the cave and ask them to boink. It has a little more complexity. There has to be some chemistry there. - We're gonna like set up the first date. We'll watch from the bushes, make sure it goes well. - This is a good time to mention I can't grant a wish to make two dragons fall in love. - I know, genies can't do that, I know. - Can you grant one to make them wanna bow? - Let's get them a little horny.

- I mean, I'm sorry, I'm edgy and stuff, but like it's about consent, guys. - Oh, that's good. - Can't wish for that. - What's with the way that they're both horny and then they consent? - Make them horny, yes. Yeah, make them. - It's actually interesting. I don't have to do anything. Dragons are almost always horny. That's just an inherent thing. - That's not wrong. - All right, we're a little off the rails here. (laughing) Cosmentor, I do have another question. You did say something about a payment or something after all the wishes. - Oh, yes. - Can you elaborate on that a little bit?

- Well, it always depends on the wishes that were made. You can't conjure something from nothing, of course. You know, when you're finished making your wishes, there's the cosmic talent. And then, of course, I have to take payment that makes up for those wishes. It's really quite simple. - So Cribs is gonna like just face those over real quick and be like, so we may not wanna just wish that we all are magically healed right now. - We gotta get more powerful, whatever the cost. - Is my motto. - Oh, wait a minute. Could I make a watchama use up one of the wishes?

I'm not making that right now. I'm just like theorizing. And make it so that the jerks that are holding Erythma are captured. They have to pay the tally. - She's dead. - Wait, what'd I say? - Well, this is a bit more complicated than dragon sex. So the person that set this in motion is quite dead. She died months ago, actually, in the city of Brightport, in the confusion, the egg whistling, it's a whole thing. I believe it's documented somewhere. - Okay, well, we'll have to see if I can find where to explore these documents at some point in time in the future.

- There's filters. - So surely you have a handle on what that repayment would look like based on what's already been wished for. - Where do we sit in the cosmic scale currently? - Well, I've had people ask to win wars. I've had people ask to be famous or rich. Honestly, so far, these have been pretty tame. I've had one person ask to have sex with a dragon, which-- - Why were you looking at me, everybody? I can't make a wish. That's all a no-mo. - I imagine the compass tries to pop up. It's like, shut up, not right now. - He's over there looking at it already and just covers it with his cloak.

(laughing) - So to be honest, we're only looking at probably a few dozen deaths, something like that. - What, as in I would have to kill a few dozen people or I would have to die a few dozen times? - Oh, no, no, no, I would be doing the killing. So far, this would be probably a large herd of animals or a small caravan. They would just blink out of existence or something. It could take a bunch of different forms, really. It all depends on what your last wishes are. I can give you a list of options. - Wait, so how many natural disasters that are you that people don't know are you?

- Well, that's a bit presumptuous. Natural disasters occur all the time. - Oh, sure, yeah. - If they're dragon sex related, then that's probably me. I do have a niche. (laughing) But if it's an earthquake or something, that's probably the gods or something. - Okay, so if we were to ask to be teleported to the entrance of where Ruthmar is, how much more in debt would that put us? - Easy, it's not winning a war, it's easy. We're doing the hard work. Two more deaths, who cares? - Well, here's the thing. It's not exactly like you're walking up to the counter, you hand me money and I give you a thing.

It's, think of it this way. You aren't relying on luck. You say, I want the thing, and I give you the thing as close to exactly the way it's worded as possible. So imagine that since you automatically got the thing somewhere in the world, there may be a group of people who have the opposite luck, terrible luck, the opposite of the thing. You're just basically making sure that someone out there is getting terrible, terrible luck. - Sucks to be them. - Exactly. - Yeah, it's a little late to feel guilty about all this. We're in this already, two wishes left.

There's a big dragon breathing fire down, or acid, excuse me, breathing acid down on, I don't know, all the more. I think they feel like they're unlucky too. It's too late to hurt your noggins is what I'm saying. Now's the time to act. - Okay, then why don't we do this? This is what my proposal is. We take two days, we rest up, and then we teleport over to the entrance of where we need to be. - All right, yeah, two days. - How many more days do we have for the rest of the wishes? - Look, look, we just need to rest one day. - It's like a week and a half, you got time.

He just said, it's like, oh, you have plenty of, you're fine. - Yeah. - Okay. - Hey, Gus mentor. - Yeah, boo. - But when I use up the spells, will you still hang around and be my best friend? That's not my cousin. - I can try to check in from time to time, but I will vanish and appear someone else to give, someone else needs good luck. - I got it. - Who knows? You might be the recipient of bad luck next time. You'll never know if it were me or just- - Kriv. - I've already been melted once. - Can I say, I have met thousands and thousands of people. Kriv may be one of the most unlucky individuals, just inherent, it's in his bones.

- Well, I was gonna give an idea for you to stay in relationship and communication with Omo, but I don't care. I didn't do it, I'm telling you though. It's just, you know. - Hickey sees it, he knows it. Fine, you know what? Why don't, whenever all the wishes are done, there is a little ring on his new finger. Why don't you just appear there in a little color, little flash of light, something that lets him know that you're still there. - Just like those touch things you see on Instagram. Oh, someone know you're thinking of them, dink, dink's over there. (laughing) - It's really dumb.

- It's exactly what I was thinking of. (laughing) - Nice. - And as Kriv finishes talking, he's just gonna wave the rest of it off and just kind of keep mumbling, like, fuck here, sorry. And then just goes over and just sits down. And then he starts probably looking at that armor as far as like, oh, I can't take this off. That's gonna make sleeping a little uncomfortable. And he just kind of like, just kind of zones out a little. - Is it padded in there? Maybe it is comfortable. You're just like a... - Maybe I'm not. I don't see it being too padded though. - Yeah, it's meant to keep, it's like back in, like, you remember back in school when you had to keep the egg from breaking and you had to build a little thing for it.

This is one of those utilitarian builds where it's like, look, the egg ain't breaking, but it ain't cozy. - Fair enough. - Maybe the Ring of Regen takes the edge off a little. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, there's some chafing or something. There's, you know, it takes care of that. - Nice. - All right, let's spend our resting time carefully wording the teleport wish. I have ideas and pointers. - I can't wait to hear them. (laughing) - So we're, I assume, preparing to take something like a long rest. - Yeah, that's how I interpreted it. You guys can play some cards. - I want my long rest first, 'cause she's like, ow, ow, ow.

- We're needing another long rest afterwards. - I imagine Elmo goes to lay down and he lays down and he gets really comfortable and he's nice and relaxed. And he kind of rolls over right onto the lamp. And then he disappears. - Oh boy. - Cousin mentor, is cousin mentor still here? Oh, he left too. - I mean, he usually goes into the lamp when he's done talking. But-- - Cousin, cousin. - These two are getting close, like real close. - Oh no, not the sex thing. - The handcuffs are gone too. - All right, and-- - Elmo's gone? - You don't see him, you see the lamp.

- Jason, I'm going to read you something. - Oh, please. - Genie's vessel, bottle respite, respite, respite. - Respite, yeah, respite's good too. - You can magically vanish and enter your vessel, which remains in the space you left. You can remain in the vessel up to two times proficiency hours. You exit the vessel early if you use the bonus action to leave and if you die, the vessel is destroyed. But that's another issue. So what's Cousin Mentor's house look like? - Oh, you know what? I'm so glad you asked. It's always Cousin Mentor, what can you do for me?

Not Cousin Mentor, can I enter your vessel? So-- (laughing) - Just a bunch of sexy dragon posters. - We've definitely asked that before. - Always. - Yeah, I'll shag. - So-- - We asked many times and he said, no. - Well, okay, he's gotta be in the mood. So as vessels go, this is kind of smart, considering that a genie can basically make their abode look like anything they want. So picture one of those weird, like 60s and 70s sunk in living rooms. - Yes. - So like it is plush and soft everywhere. So there are a plethora of different trays of food and stuff like that.

So whatever you're in the mood for, it's just like, and pizza, like it's that kind of thing. But most importantly, in the center, there is kind of like, I would call a lounging surface that kind of spins around. And there are different, different, kind of like different screens everywhere. And he can look out in different portions of the world and just see different stuff. It's kind of a information overload when you look in. So like, if you're happening in, like he knows you're coming in, right? And he kind of like, not like feigned the surprise. - Oh master.

- Wait, this is not the cave. - No, this would be my vessel. - Oh buddy. - Come lay down. - Like there's like a little, it's like, ooh, like it's like this big king size thing, like a camouflage king, like a king king. Like that type of thing. - This is gonna be way better than a pile of rocks. - This is the equivalent of everyone is camping, but you have a room at the Hilton. - Yeah. - It's a dick move by adventuring standards, but you're the one tied to the genie. So, you know. - That's right. So before I fall all the way asleep, how good are you on percussive instruments?

How good are you on drums? - Could you give me a D20 please? - Uh huh. - 11. - That's weird. So here's a weird thing. I didn't actually think I rolled that yet. - Oh. - That's amazing. Okay, sorry. - Does everyone else see an 11? - No, it rolled, but I didn't mean to. It was like, I clicked it, but I didn't click the roll button. I guess go. (laughing) - I've been known to beat things from time to time, master. - All right. I've got plans, but first, sleep. - I can, okay. - I'm listening. I need to roll something first. - Okay. - I need to roll something for Cosmentor.

- Oh, so just let me get this right. You just entered his home? - Yeah. - Sorry, dude. I'm already in a band. I don't know if I can commit to both. - Yeah. (laughing) - So, okay. I rolled a four and Cosmentor is gonna read the situation a little probably wrong. So like, you show up, you lay in the bed, like you ask him. It's so like, he's probably reading the situation a little bit differently. So he's gonna start rubbing your shoulders a little bit so that you kind of like, you know, you relax a bit. - We were just having a big discussion about horny dragons.

- That's true. Oh, careful. That's what I'm thinking about it. I have some oils, some hot oils I can rub on that. It'll stave off infection. It'll feel marvelous. - Oh yeah. That's a good idea. First aid, always important. It's smart. You're a smart Cosmentor. - Roll over on your belly. I'll get on your back and really work these out. - Oh yeah. Good idea. - I, this is sitcom levels of obliviousness now. Like we're getting to like Cosmentor is a gentleman and that's as far as we're going to go right now. But coming back. - And you seem to fade to black. - No, Cal.

- You were literally both yes ending while shaking your heads no. - That's called role play chicken. - I can tell you that at a certain point, there's going to be a moment where like, but well, you know what? We'll get there when we get there. - I honestly, yeah. I'm, I don't know who's going to blink first in that. I don't know. Like is Cosmentor just going to keep going and like almost too polite. So like, I don't know. No. Okay. That's fair. - He was in part of a band and. - Right. Sure. You can turn into a dragon. Does that make it better? Like, is that, is it a thing you're into?

- Wrong person. - Damn it. - It's a little one I forgot. - Yeah. - Meanwhile, the three of us outside are looking at the lamp going like, I wonder what they're up to in there. - I hope you're having fun, but a cousin and just like, oh, I'm all alone. - Oh, sorry. I can't bring anyone in there with me. - I'm going to give everybody a long rest. - Right. - And I think that's a good time for us to stop for the night. - But cards, Jason. - Just to say, here's what we're going to do. It's going to give everybody time to listen to this episode and then tag you a thousand times in discord saying, Mandy, no, Mandy, no.

- Or Mandy, how many cards? - Ooh, that's, oh, we could tie it to the live stream somehow. - Two cards. - That's all more of a reason, Jason, for us to go a little bit longer, start to use it. So that way this episode releases, there's already one in the can and we can just be like, sorry, prerecorded. - Oh. - Can't tell us what to do if we already done it. - I like the audience telling Mandy what to do. I'm going to, I'm going to go into detail, but only because I'm still a little worried my screens are going to black out, but we have a wonderful session right now in the can.

We have it, we did it, we recorded it. It was super laid back, no stakes whatsoever.