RIPley

This transcript is machine-generated and may contain errors in names, terminology, or attribution.

(dramatic music) - Oh, let's do that thing where we go around the table, introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master going around the table. Starting with Zach. Zach, what's your favorite candy? (Zach snorts) - Ah, I'd say Jolly Ranchers or Skittles. - Element of culture. - Excellent choice. You got a favorite kind of Jolly Rancher? I love the tropicals. - They're pretty good. - I'm more of an original guy, but if they could all be blue raspberry, I'm a greeny man, I'll take it. - That's fun. I still do things like go to the bank and my tongue is stained blue and I'm 43 years old.

(Zach laughs) I also do this for a living, so I don't know if I'm the... Jamie, hi, welcome to the show. Favorite candy? Asking for no reason, just, just, just curious. (Zach laughs) - I'm muted, dammit. - Oh, that's okay. - Favorite candy's hard. I was born in Halloween, so I love candy. I'm gonna go with take five. Underrated candy, but it's salty, it's sweet, it's got caramel, chocolate. - That's my favorite gas station candy bar. - Right, it's pretty great. - Yeah, okay, I'm with that. Karen. - Hey. - How you doing? - I'm doing great, how are you? - I'm okay.

- I'm gonna go with York Peppermint Patties. - Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. - Okay. - I'm a peppermint gal, you know anything. - I know. - Those Junior Mints. - Are you like a mint chocolate chip ice cream person? - That's my favorite ice cream. - Okay, okay. - Is it okay? - I've had it. - Just kidding. - Under the gun, it's not terrible, it's not that, it's not my first choice. I'm a chocolate peanut buttery kind of guy, but like mint's fine. It's definitely a flavor I thought I would dislike. I didn't know they still made York Peppermint Patties, honestly, I didn't.

I never see those at the checkout. - Well, you're going to the wrong place, Liz. - 2024 stores is where I think- - You know what I think, I think what it is is that the candy companies, they pay for their spaces. So, you know, they have to push those other ones 'cause they're not as popular. You know, people who like York Peppermint Patties, they know it's all the fun colors and tastes. - Right, that's true. Yeah, it's a staple. It's like ginger ale. (all laughing) - Favorite candy. Also, hi. - Hi, Smarties. I really genuinely enjoy the taste of like chalk.

So I love Smarties. - What's up? - During testing. - Smarties are pretty good. - In school. - Yeah, Smarties, okay. That's another one I didn't know they're still making. Like, I genuinely didn't. I haven't seen Smarties in forever. I've seen Spring. - Halloween candy. - Spring, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, a lot. - We've been following candy, totally. - Every Walmart I've ever been has that weird, it's not even an end cap, it's like a little island of misfit candies where they got vanilla wafers and the circus peanuts and those weird strawberry candies that old people have that Jamie mentioned and like all those, like kind of, the butterscotch ones that don't taste like butterscotch.

Yeah, but not like the good ones, like those, the medicine-y, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh man, anyway, Jameson, how you doing, buddy? - I wonder what Jameson might say. - I just want to point out the knots you had to twist yourself into to not shit on Karen for her choice. - No, you're right. You're right. - You absolutely, like, the physical pain you put yourself through. - I'll be honest. - The fucking Smarties one, I've never met Karen in the last bucket, but hey, you're like, oh, what an interesting choice. How mean. - Karen, you're right. But as we all know, you can't eat the snacks.

- That is a choice that you can say you made. - You were talking about nerd script, then you pivoted to York Peppermint. - You didn't specify nerd, current favorite versus all time favorite. And so I went all time favorite because I always go back to York Peppermint patties. They're always deep here in my heart. - That's where they end up, yeah. - Oh man, you put some chocolate on this toothpaste. Enjoy Karen. - I'm sorry, is that the one where they have the ad where you bite into it and he's like, I'm on top of the mountain. I've been thinking about that for like five minutes.

I wasn't sure though. I don't know what that is. - 2001, I think the towers were still standing. - Listen, Peppermint Patty has her place, which I think is the holidays, but more power to you, Karen. - How has this turned on me so badly? - We still haven't even heard Jameson's choice. - We haven't, Jameson. And you went to a special candy store. - I did, I went to a place where they make candy exclusively and they're very good at it and they make the best candy, everybody says. - Fuck you guys, I like black licorice. I don't care, it's good. I was indicated in the Discord, somebody will defend me and they will be a cool person and my friend.

I'm like everybody in Discord. - And this is an intervention. - I'm gonna eat more licorice now. - I'm gonna eat licorice harder. (all laughing) - I'm gonna get that high octane, I'm gonna get a bar of licorice. - Oh my God. - No. God, okay. Well, that's been our show. - I'm gonna eat some licorice right now, shut up. - You know what I'll do? You know what I'll do? - What's that? - I'm doing it. - Does that kid even have a brand name or is it like Mr. Bill Johnson or some shit like that? The guy who's been dead for 150 years, Tom and John. - Okay, it's there. - Barnum and Bailey's.

- Ah, that's the first pet skin. - Yeah. Okay, here's what I'm gonna do because I'm trying to do new things. I shit talked Cracker Barrel because I've never been to one and we were driving to Florida and options were limited. So Bree took me to a Cracker Barrel and her talking it up, I don't think was the bragging that she thought it was, but if you wanna eat at a place surrounded by dead men and women staring at you from the past thousand years in the past. - That's such a good name for Cracker Barrel. (all laughing) - I had their chicken, it was on point.

I'll say that, that chicken was the shit. - Yeah, I like their biscuits too. - You're too busy staring at the soulless eyes of people when you should be playing the triangular game. - Yeah, it's my thing. - I played that stupid mismatched peg. Someone didn't even sand down the fucking triangle. - Excuse me sir, I got most of my IQ from that game growing up. - Maybe I'm too stupid to get it, I had three pegs left. - The spherical spacing you need to complete the game, it's indescribable. - I was distracted by the eyes following me and all the old ads. Like it's so fucking creepy.

- Like specters in the wind. - It's like fucking Hogwarts in there. - Did you save time for the gift shop? - Did you save time for the gift shop? - Yeah, they made you. I could have bought a bunch of old cowboy hats. Willie Nelson on finals. What I'm gonna do, because we're gonna meet up later this year after Dragon Con and play some Warhammer, Jameson, I'll try a piece of black licorice from this place. Maybe I haven't had good black licorice. - I would agree that you probably haven't had good black licorice, but I think that... - That doesn't exist. - You know what?

(all laughing) - That's a genuine hurt, now I feel bad. (all laughing) - Hey guys. - I'm not gonna convert anybody, right? Like you hear your dog, there's no middle ground. There's zero middle ground. I get it, it's fine. I'm just right, that's all. - Listen, somebody's gotta eat it. - Candy, right. I can't go all as close. I feel like it's a candy from a time where drugstores made their own drugs. Like I just, I don't know. It just, it's so... - So they came in with cute, circle-y pills that were massive. - When you get a bag of jelly beans, you need the friend who eats the black ones.

And that's me. - Jameson, I just get the Starburst jelly. - There's no jelly beans and there's no duck ones in there. Just the reds. - I would simply just not buy those jelly beans. (all laughing) - You know, Jameson, I can't yuck in the yummy cutters. It's you and your black licorice. Next week it's gonna be me and my ranch, but I'll never give it up. - Yeah, exactly, yeah. - I'll drink it straight to the tunnel right now. - Well, okay, so I like ranch, but you need help. - Right now. (all laughing) - I'm gonna look at my bubble. - The one, the one in his pocket.

(all laughing) - You don't even know, really. - Someone blinked. - Without Zach's favorite, Buffalo Wild Wings would die. We need Zach. - Right, you. (all laughing) - Okay, enough shitting on Jameson, guys. Calm down, Jesus Christ. Jamie specific, Jesus. - I'm sorry, I couldn't, I literally was trying so hard to just bring it in. - Let me have it, both barrels, I'm fine, I don't care. - It's out of love, Jameson, out of love. - And he's clinking that glass at a superiority, so know that. - Okay. - Just, please. - There's not a friend who doesn't make fun of me for the vegetable thing, and it's been, not even that many years.

- Broccoli? - Broccoli? - Broccoli. - Broccoli, Zach. - Okay. - All right, well, real quick lightning round, 'cause we should probably play D&D, but what's everybody's favorite vegetable? - Ooh. - You get vegetable. - I'll start spinach. - Ooh. - Broccoli. - I like spinach. - There you go. - Broccoli is a good one. - Or cauliflower, they're tied. - Yeah. - I kinda love broccoli. These are so good. Steamed, sauteed, ugh, so good. - I think I'm gonna have to go with spinach too. - Yeah, true. - Yeah, I'm gonna go with weirdly cabbage. - Ooh. - Cabbage is great. - I really like cabbage.

- It's the one that's probably like farts when you boil it. - That's good, that's good. - That's wrong, so many same-pack, just stay church events. - Just right? - Blooded my brain. - Steamed cabbage. Bro, dinner, yeah. - You guys. - Disgusting. - You guys have so much good vegetable. - Pizza, here you go. - I could turn them into fries. - There you go, yeah. - Yeah, there you go. - That's always the out, right? You can always just hit the tree. - I could do dice, but I could do hash browns. - Yeah. - I think there's such a couple. - All right. For the first time in a long time in the real world, you guys are out on your own again.

You're out of hell, you have no commitments in terms of shacking up with another group, but this castle is still falling apart and there's a Ripley somewhere in there and there's a bunch of inner party, not turmoil, but things that need to be discussed. Here's what I'd like to do. Let's get started, 'cause we need to wet our beaks with a little role play here. So after Alex and Clarissa leave and after the ravens go, it's just you guys and you guys aren't leaving the castle, you're staying here in the city and you've gotten the download on how bad it is outside.

You know what is deeper in the castle. What are we thinking here? Where do we feel it? 'Cause Ian wants to leave, but I don't think most of you guys care, which is fair. He's the spinach of people, like it's fine. - Delicious. (all laughing) - Makes me want a little more. How about we start with Jamie? Tatiana has, well, I mean, come on. We've been putting this off for years, Jamie. And you know what's coming up. - Yeah, whenever Tatiana debuted, Ripley was a part of that. - What are you thinking about going into this? Like what's Tatiana thinking about? 'Cause that's where you're heading, right?

That's what you're after, like you're trying to find. - I think, yeah. Tatiana just wants to see, and I'm pretty sure make sure that Ripley is dead. (heart beating) - I'm hoping to find a body is what Tatiana is looking for. - Have you broke this down to everybody else in the party? Like really like? - I mean, the people who were with me in hell may have some inkling because like, we did that whole thing together down there. I know that my talk with Ellen was private, but I don't think Tatiana would have hid anything from them, but it would probably be new to Fonculous.

And Fonculous just woke up, so I'm not sure if he has anywhere to go. So I suppose Tatiana would address the group and just maybe starting with Fonculous, we've been on a journey literally through hell to get here. And we just have, or at least I, and she's gonna look towards everybody else, just have like one more thing to check off the list before we can bounce out of this hell hole and thinks about it for a second, realizing that it's not actually a hell hole. She was just in a hell hole. This is way better. Did you have any plans? And she's gonna look towards Fonculous or do you wanna tag along maybe?

- Castle seems pretty nice. I mean, I could use a little bit of work, but. - Rock falls next to you. - I mean, clearly it's seen better days, but I don't know, maybe we'll see if, if anybody's, you know, gonna try to fight us for it 'cause I kinda like this place. Got a nice ambiance, you know? Let's go see, I mean, if you know the guy who's in charge, maybe he'll let it go for cheap. - Hoping to be in the best bargaining position if we find him. And she's gonna look towards Vella and Jo and Blevins. I mean, we've just made a topside. Do you guys have anywhere you need to go or sort of leaving it open to them?

- Ian would clear his throat, just kind of. - I'm starving. - Just a reminder, just, you know. But like, that's kind of like a nudge to Vella. - She rolls her eyes. I'm not talking to you. - I think, sorry, go ahead. - Not you. - I think Blevins is just, well, before I, I wanna ask, are the portals closing by themselves or are they just staying open perpetually? - This place is destabilizing, so you have a limited amount of time. Like they're shaky right now, but yeah, they're not gonna stay open indefinitely. - Then Blevins will kind of smile like he's seeing the ending of a miracle happen.

And he'll say, "Not to worry, young Tatiana, my path has been ordained for me and whoever you shall go, I shall follow." - She gives him finger guns from her prior teammate that she picked up from Brelin. She'll have finger guns, Blevins. - Are you pointing at me? - Slowly puts them back down, kinda. - Ian would lean in. I believe they call that a finger blast. - Sure, but- - He's a little lost on the vernacular. (all laughing) - Wait, how does Ian know? (all laughing) - Really helped her a long time. - He does? - I think, yeah, he was a goblin. - I think Vella would just be like, as long as I can go north at some point after this, I just need to check in on Thunder Spire.

That's all I wanna do. She's not gonna elaborate a whole lot. Just like, nope, that's just- - And we're just killing this vampire, right? There's no negotiations or talking we need to do. - I mean, if it's that easy, I'll be honest. I've known Ripley for a long time and he has a tendency to get out of sticky situations. Just talking, I don't wanna lead the way here. - Yeah, if everybody's coming. - Jamie, you said you wanted a deal, right? - Yeah, I did. - Good. - Good, good, good, good, good. - So I automatically accept. - I'm gonna kill. (all laughing) - I'm just fucking around.

- No, no, no. - I was expecting like a turn, like, good, I'll keep that in mind. Karen. (all laughing) - That would have been funny, you're right. - All right, take it again, take it again, take it again. (all laughing) - Did you? - Shit. - I feel like every arc, someone has to be like the butt of that chair. Last arc it was Karen because of tree stride. But like, we gotta like, we do get a mid-step. - Damn it. - Okay, well, guess it's Jamison. (all laughing) - Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Obviously this place is falling apart and there's not too, too, too much time.

- It's not like I died in the crumbling building before. - Yeah, and I feel like this gives you a bit of a leg up in the, like, guys, I'm no building inspector, but. (all laughing) - It's like the fire escape in this dungeon. (all laughing) - I'm just saying how this world is a dungeon. - Like, yeah. - 'Cause like Tatiana died in a crumbling building and then Joe died in a town infested with monsters. - Oh, geez. - Which we're also going into. - Now, this is a little bit of PTSD trauma bonding we're about to have. - Yeah. - So here's what's gonna happen. Every so often as time advances in here, something's going to happen.

Now, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna write on six different cards. Three of them are gonna be semi-good things that happen. Like maybe a wall crumbles and it uncovers some kind of treasure or something fortuitous happens. And three of them are gonna be bad things. And I don't think it takes too much imagination to figure out what happens in a crumbling castle. You know, so. - We're at the top of- - Sexy goblins come out back. Sexy goblins. - Ian, you're people. - It's just. (all laughing) Persuasion, that's the Lord sexy goblin. - I don't know why, but I thought you were talking about our Ian, like.

- Oh. - On the podcast, Ian. - Oh. - I was like, yeah, that tracks. Like, I didn't even. - Sexy goblin energy. - Yeah. - I think you can compliment it. - Well then, that's how I meant it then. (all laughing) - There you go, Ian. - So every one of you will get a chance to draw a card. Don't worry. And what I might do is increase it to five good things and three bad things. - Ooh. - So that there's a chance that you guys walk out of here and just good shit happens. But. - I'm more of a fan of one good thing, seven bad things. - That'd be great coming out of hell. - I know, Zach.

And here's the thing, I'd like that energy, but I'd like to try and keep one of your characters alive. And let's try. You're so young, you have so much to live for now. - Right, party guys. - Isn't this like. - Let's live it up. - Is this not dungeon souls where I could just come back in my bonfire? - Now I'm in random here. - Just writing them cards. - All right, so here's how we're gonna start off. Jamie. Give me a survival check. We're gonna trace through this castle. That's something you're good at, right? - Ah. - Maybe. - No, it's not, it's not. - Oh, okay, well.

- I'm more of a city rogue. - Got it, got it. So you're not the kind of rogue who's like, that poison is okay, but this one is not. You're more of a, yeah, okay, got it. - More of a, this jewel's worth this much. - I definitely didn't get that though. With a nine, I would assume. - Oh, that's, oh, that's the total. Okay, so not snowball poison. - Yeah, yeah it is. Not one of my strength. - Okay, okay. So here's the thing. We know that this place is falling apart. And what I think we're gonna do is, we're gonna do a little skill check challenge. I think that ever, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think it'll be fun. - This is how we died last time you guys. - It's gonna be, I promise, it's gonna be great. - Is it possible for us to- - Just don't fail your next area kit. - As we're walking through this hallway to try to be a lot of inspiration to people. Is that possible? - I didn't have- - I, here's what I'll allow you to do. Every three rolls, I'll let you do that. - Nice. - So go ahead and pick someone. - Okay. I think Blevins will choose just for this first one. We'll go with a Fonculous. - Getting fond of that whistle stick. - Getting the, you starting to get the ear feel.

- Yeah. - Just like, yeah, you know, it's not so bad. - You know, sometimes things are a little bit challenging to the senses, but if you're open-minded to it, I would find that you can really enjoy things. - You'll come to like it. - Are you talking about Black Lucrece right now, Jameson? - I was talking about the Wiggle whistle stick. There's no way that there's a double Wiggle stick. I was talking about the Wiggle stick. Actually, I was talking about the skin flute. (all laughing) - If you wanna use its original name. - It is a blessing. - When it comes to the, yeah.

(all laughing) - All right, so here's what we're gonna do. Little scope check challenge and what we're gonna do, and instead of target people, I feel like that's mean. It's like, oh, let's, you know, we are gonna kick off with Jamie's nine, which will influence the rolls here. So we're looking for five successes before three failures. Now the good news is we're gonna average all of your rolls together for each one of these. So if someone say rolls a two or something, we're gonna grade on a curve and let the average be brought up by the people who, who's trained in survival in this group?

- I mean. - Okay, well, Serato's not gonna be every check, don't worry. But the first one is. So, oh God. - To be fair, the skill called survival should not be popular among a group of characters who died already. - Yeah, very true. - That is fair. - Do you need me to slight of hand somebody? 'Cause I got you. All right, here's our first, here's our first roll. We're looking for a 13 or higher in survival. All of your portraits are up there. Just click on the dice, the little die. That's below your portrait. - Nice guys, nice, nice. You're helping my average here.

- Oh well. - Okay, okay. Well, Tatiana's got 11, Fonculous with a one. Okay. Everyone else coming in pretty strong with 20, 21, 17. Good, it's good stuff. So, okay, we're gonna, we're gonna. Every time you do that, I'm gonna get you guys to pick a card here, right? And I'm only gonna have you pick from the ones that are good, right? Because that's the kind of guy I have. I have five cards, numbered one through five. You guys come to a consensus here and actually, you know what, Lisa, pick one. - Three. - Yes. - Nice. - Damn, I love that. - My favorite number. - Go, go, great.

- That's our group motto. - Yeah, shit. So, obviously this place is caving and you guys are running back down the stairs that you came up to, to kind of fight. And there is a, you can look down and you can see Ripley kind of as a speck and he's still kind of hanging up on this thing, but he's slowly getting himself free from it. Like it's very, it looks feeble, honestly. But a piece of this, a piece of the stairway is going to collapse, but in such a way that it kind of moves a portion together. So it collapsed in your favor and that's going to give you a second success already.

Like that's a huge one. So two successes, no failures, but now I need everyone to make an acrobatics check. So I'm going to set that up. - Okay. - Oh, okay, cool. - I think Vlevens is going to shout to everyone. I believe this place is falling down. Be careful. - It's a DC 15 this time guys. We're still averaging this. - I would like to use, oh wait. - Chips. - Oh man. It's done. - Well, who did you bless? - Is that the second? - Second roll. - Okay, nevermind. I can't bless it. I have to wait till the third one to redo it. - So that one's a failure. Vella coming in strong with the 20, everybody else 12, 11, seven, six.

- Acrobatics is not the strongest. Now I need someone to pick from the three cards where there's something bad going on. - I'll do it. - Okay, if we all get party wiped. - Well, okay, I wouldn't put anything in there and you're all dead. - You all die. - Zac wanted it, it's crazy. - And you're back in hell. - And stuck over. - Started over, right? Groundhog day, let's do this. - One, two, and three Zac. - I'll go with two. - Okay, well, we're going to get a classic, Crushing Rocks. And we're just going to do a bit of damage to everybody because it's, you know, Crushing Rocks.

So 5d6 damage, 21. - That's a bit. - Oof, a bit, girl, I'm already down. - Wait, what, seriously? - Yeah, I assumed from the fight we were still keeping the damages. - Oh, no, oh, what? You have 57 health left. - Out of 81. - That's 21 damage. - Did that just happen? - I don't think she was saying she's like down combat wise. - Oh, I thought she was too. - I'm sorry, I'm already down HP. - Oh God, I was like, am I real bad at math? - No, that was fun. - No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. Okay, that's okay. 21, that's not great damage wise, but we're, you know, we're two and one.

So two successes, one failure. - One failure. - You're describing what the number 21 was. - It's a two and one. - 21, that's a two and a one. - I need an athletics check from everybody. - Do we add that damage in ourselves here when I hit points? - I can tack it on at the end of things, if you like. - If you make it. - It's a 14 this time, DC 14. - I need an athletics check. - Yes, damn it, sorry. - Oh shit. - It's okay, it's okay. Carried us last time, bro. - Okay, okay. - I think it's gonna do it. - Yes, oh no. - Oh, really? - No, the victory takes it. Yeah, that's time.

Oh my God. - That hurts. - 11's Tatiana Fonculous with a 21, 20 and a 14. But there's a 10 and a three in there. It jumps the average at the very end. So, okay. Now, okay. There are two bad things to choose from left, Karen. I need you to pick one. - No pressure, don't pick the wrong one. - We have one and three. - Three. - If that helps. Three, okay. Okay. That's the goal. - So what we're gonna do is speed up Ripley's recovery a little bit. And because of that last bit of stuff falling, that is going to dislodge him. Now, he is going to be pinned under some rocks, but he is no longer hanging up on the thing.

And he is not, he's not doing well. He's not in fighting shape. It doesn't look like. But there's one bad thing left. And it's the worst bad thing. I can't believe it. And there's four good things though. So, okay. What are you doing? We need to. We need to. - Can Bloodbend use his next Arctic inspiration? - Yes, you can. Who do you give it to? - Let's go with Josephine. - It feels like an insult, but also thank you. - I'm just handing it out. - It's really random at this point. I'll give it to myself. - I'll probably need it if it's anything Dex. - Because we could just tack it on at the end of any roll and just up the average.

- Yeah. - Well, okay. Would it help if I told you what the next one's gonna be? - Oh, the skill? Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So as you guys are running down, these rocks have dislodged a shitload of bats and they're gonna fly into your face. So I need an animal handling check. - Oh my God. - I'm gonna put each little bat on its little head. - You got this, Joe. - I don't know. - You're gonna assume anyone had roll of check for this. He just walked right past him. Well, he did live with the bats. He sublet them. So like it was a, you know, that's fair. - Last bad thing is gonna be Ripley turns into a fucking bat and flies away.

- And the big bat lives another day. - I don't even know if I'd describe them as a big bad right now. - I know. He's kind of middle management bad if anything. - He's one of those guys who will live to fight another day and just be a pain in your ass at the worst possible time. He's that guy. - He's, if Spike was skeezy and gross and stayed bad. - He's some rapey Spike towards the end. I don't know. Like there's no good there. That wasn't great. - Yeah, that's true. - Pretty skeezy. - Some would, you know. - I was more talking like that. - Oh yeah, yeah. No, he was charming bad there.

- He like wanted to be big bad, but he could never, you know? - Yeah. - 14 guys. DC 14 animal handling check. - Oh shit. - Okay. - 19, 21, 21, 12. Success everybody. You pet those bats. Holy shit. - Pet them. - Two. So. Jameson. Pick a good thing for me, please. - One. - Okay. You're gonna get another successful check because of the way this comes down. So that was the only two in the thing. You guys found them both. So that's good. So. - I wish for more wishes. - I love that. I hope the entire episode you have a mouthful of black licorice. - Yes. - So it's like spiteful.

I don't even think you're enjoying them at this point. It's just a point of pride. - I should have moved the back away from my desk honestly because I'm running out and my tummy hurts, but. - Does your mouth hurt? Cause that's when you notice that. - What about it? - Fucking weird paprika candy you're eating. - The end of the episode of black licorice. - I thought you said give me something good. Now I'm gonna say, wow. Black licorice. - All right. Okay. Okay. You guys are four and two. This is make or break it. This is it. This is it. - I need one more survival check.

- It's not slight of hand. - Are we sure it's not slight of hand? - But we have two bardic inspirations that we could add onto the end of this one. Right? Because Fonculous had one and Joe. - One D tins. - So I'm gonna add it anyway, because. - I think it's the average. - What's the last roll. So. - Yeah. Why not? - Just how do we do that? Do you wanna roll the D tins first or do we add them? Do we have a way to add them in the actual challenge? - Hold on one second. Actually. Yeah. I could take allow re-roll and we'll do it that way you'll have advantage. - Okay.

We were assuming do we have advantage. Okay. - Yeah. We'll just do that. - Okay. - Survival. Here we go. This is the last one. Get you down there. - Come on. - Oh shit. - Oh a six from Lela. - Oh. - A 16. Oh, oh. - Oh, come on. - Okay. - Get those. - No, Blevins. - Oh, come on Fon. - Okay. - Oh, advantage Fonk, advantage. - Yeah. - Okay. 16 is way better. Okay. - Way better. - And who else had? - That's Joe doesn't really need to. No, it was Joe. - No Joe. - I think I rolled it with advantage. - No, you're good. Like you have a 21. So 21 for you. Onculous 16. Tatiana 16. And Vela has a six and Blevins has a five.

So. - Let's go over all the class scores then. Make all the students feel bad. - No. - Doing great on the curve. - I think we already. That is gonna, that's gonna fail. Now what's gonna happen here is, I'm not even gonna make you draw that card. It's the last one. That's just mean. That's a mean thing to do to somebody. Okay. What we're gonna do is I'm gonna give you guys a choice. I could roll rock damage again. Or. I can roll on a table and give Ripley some kind of, not a buff, but something good happens to her. Yeah, some kind of boon. Which would you guys rather have?

- I'll say I really don't want to die in a crumbling building again. But I am not the only or voice. So what do y'all want? - Can I ask you a certain point? Are you guys kind of like, is this guy that important? (all laughing) - Right, like if we're gonna die in this crumbling building, I feel like we would bounce, but. What do you guys think? - I'm fine with giving him a buff. - Yeah. - Making fun of things. - Is the buff gonna be like, musty suck you by? Because they now just make me jealous. - Well, we're gonna arrive, it's on the table. So like, you know, if he rolls like a 69 or something, then you know.

- I'm a 69. - I'm all right with giving him a buff. I mean, taking damage is just the best buff he can get, so. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I agree. - Oh, it's an eight. It's not even that great. So the thing is, there's not a lot of blood around, obviously. Most of those cult members are dead and you can't get blood from his vampire compatriots. So like, it's mostly, he's going to get out from this, these rocks, and he's going to start to limp out of this place, like slowly. He's going to be making his way up the, you know, so. While you guys did fail, that just means you're a level above him.

So there's probably like a 25 foot drop. Like you gotta think like the, the Minds of Moria staircase scene and shit like that. Like it's like, there's no guardrails or anything. So like, obviously there's no building inspector here. This place is just shitting itself. So what do you guys want to do? How important is it to get this guy? 'Cause he doesn't know you're here. He's got bigger problems. - Good, thoughts, good. - I was giving you that space to speak to me, but. - I was going to say, I know Tatiana definitely wants to yell at him, but I wanted to see it.

Do you guys want to leave or do you want to, I don't want us to TPK and I am having a little PTSD. Like I really don't want Tatiana to die, she just got back. - How far away are you from this guy? - Like he's 25 feet below us, but he's like, is he off to the side too or? - Yeah, he's, it would be, it would be a decent job. Like it would be quite a job, not undoable. And you're a fucking vampire. So like, I think, I think Blevins will do something. He's just, he's going to kind of step forward if there's a moment of hesitation and he's going to spread his arms wide and he is going to shout to basically no one in the name of Embry, I answer my call, he'll jump.

- Oh my God. - Oh shit. - Hammer or just jump? Adam, jump. Can I get an acrobatics check please? He's going to kind of fly. Okay, okay, there's a plan. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Okay. - Whew. - Okay. (laughing) I just wanted to dump a character. - We probably don't have gear from when we were living, do we? - No. - Damn, I was like, man, that like awesome venom cloak or not venom, that like spider cloak or whatever you gave me. - Oh, wait, wait, wait. Are you okay? - I remember that. - If it's something you had on your character when they died, yes, I'm sorry. I misinterpreted the question.

Like if it's, if it's, yeah, no. - Spawn, the spawn cloak, that's what I was thinking. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause like Lark had, yeah, Lark had everything. Like, yeah, you're good. You're fine. - I think it's like the cloak of spider climbing or something like that. - Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Jesus, okay, so. - Sorry. - We're flying. So what is this, like a Batman glide down towards him? Are you like running him down type of thing? Like a North by Northwest? Like what are we, what are we doing? - So about Blevins kind of drops down, cast fly, but he cast it at fifth level so he can touch two other creatures and have them fly too.

So he is going to fly back up and he is going to tap Tatiana and he is going to tap, probably, probably Vella. And he'll just say as he speeds off, 'cause that's basically all he can do. He'll say, "Time to answer your calling." He'll fly off. - And I think when Tatiana gets in the air, that's when she'll yell towards Ripley to try to get his attention. And I want to try to lock eyes with him. And I'm just gonna like, as loud as she can, just like, "Ripley!" 'Cause I assume like the crumbling building is pretty loud. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot going on down here and stuff.

You remember there's a big asshole where they were pulling up that huge coffin and all that stuff. Like, yeah. - So. - Sorry, I just, Funky List gets out of Tatiana's backpack before she starts flying. (all laughing) - No man, stand there, you're good. (all laughing) - God, I forgot he was in there. Okay, so definitely get to hear that. And the guy's kind of like limping away. Like it's like quickly limping, but like, yeah, no, he needs to regenerate some. And, oh God, how would he react? Honestly, you know what? The last time you guys spoke, you helped him escape.

I don't think he would like think of you as a threat. I think it would be, I think it would be, it's like, oh man, you still got feelings for me, okay. It's like, I think it would be, I mean, if you helped him escape. You helped him escape, like you and Mabel. That's, that's, look. - Right. - Guys like that will rationalize a lot of things. And so, yeah, no, he would probably stop and like arms wide open. It's like, Tati, like just like in the middle of all this. Just, yeah. - And she is glad. - Ian's probably standing up on that stairway, just kind of like looking down, just like, like he's not a big fan of heights and he can't make that jump.

But like, it looks like he's thinking about it. It's like, well, I'll let them handle it. Like that's like. - She's a bit insecure. - Joe's gonna grab his arm and just start pulling him down and we'll go the rest of the way down the spiral. - Oh yeah, okay. - No. - So you're just going to jump off? - Yeah, we're just gonna jump off together. - No, no, no. - No, I'm gonna murder him. - Joe's not jumping anywhere. We're gonna go down the spiral. - I didn't think so, but it's like, man, that's a bold move, okay. You are clad in a lot of armor. - It's just the beginning of 21 Jump Street.

And when they jump off the top of the building, it's fine. - Lisa, can I tell you that Arms Wide Open was like the first thing I thought of? - Yeah, I was just like. - And Zach started the thing and it's, ah. - Well, I've been doing, that's why I was like, with Arms Wide Open, I was like. - Yeah, of course. - 'Cause my husband unironically has a Creed CD in his truck and I'm like, yeah. We just, not all the time. - He has a pack there. - In his truck? - Yeah, hold on. (all laughing) - He has a CD? - He has a CD? - Oh yeah. - A compact disc in his truck? - Yeah, it's an older track, yeah.

- Wow. - Wow. - Sorry. Can I do something before anything happens? - Do all the things. - Yeah. - I'm going to count in large on Tatiana. (all laughing) - Fucking G is hard. - You stupid shit. (all laughing) - I was about to say, she's like ungracefully floating through the air right now, trying to antagonize Ripley. And if he had any sense and was to look at her, he would see that she was upset. - Yeah. - But now she's huge. - Which is funny 'cause I kind of imagine him being like, turning around and being like, oh, she came back for me. And then she just fucking doubles in size right in front of him as she's in the car.

(all laughing) - Honestly, okay. Ripley's the type of guy, I think he'd find a way to make it skeezy. It's probably like kink unlocked or something. Like he just didn't know. Like, you know what I mean? - Giant baby. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, like look how big he went for daddy. - That was the whole game, everybody was obsessed with the like huge vampire lady. - Oh, yes. - You remember that? - Yes. - Lady Dimitrescu. - President Evil. - Dimitrescu. - Dimitrescu, yeah. - Yes, thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Death by Snusnu. (all laughing) - Okay, yeah, that's silly and frightening.

Okay, let's do that. So... - I'm gonna fix your hand. - This is just... - So does this, okay. You're gliding in anyway, it doesn't matter. We don't need to worry about weight. So like, you just, I know it increases your strength. And I think any strength checks or anything are done with advantage and all that stuff. He's not moving, he's welcoming you in. He's a little freaked out by the size thing, but there's a part of him and it's probably a 60/40 split. He truly believes it's like, you're here to rescue him. Like you got big and you're gonna scoop him up and you're gonna get out of here.

- She's an angel. - I'm a little spoon. - Giant angel, yeah. - That's fine. - I'm a little spoon. - Yeah, it's 1266 now, women could be giants. Like it's fine, like it's, you know. - Well, what size creature am I? Like if I were on a map. - Large. - Large, I would be able to grab him. - Yeah, like a grizzly bear. - Okay, like a grizzly bear. Okay, so I can't like pick him up. - Sure you can. - I'm not that big. - Well, I mean, you can not like in your hand, but yeah. - Yeah, no. I wanna pick him up. - Yes, okay. So you're not the kind of big where he's like, fits in the palm of your hand.

You're the kind of big where you can bear hug him and he would just get lost in your chest. Like that's the, yeah. (all laughing) - Women love it when you call it your mass. That is something I do know about. - 100%. (all laughing) - You said he's standing there with like his arms open wide, like, "Tati." - Yeah, oh yeah, he's happy to see you. - She's gonna enlarge self, just walk up right up to him with a huge grin on her face and just punch him right in the nose. - Yes. - Like I'm talking like takes a step back and like puts all her body into it right in the face.

- Amazing. - Okay, you know what? - You know what? - Like he's gonna wind up. Does he get any inkling? He's about to get like. (all laughing) - Oh no, I think when she pulls back. - I'm just like, yeah, I know. - Can I just in my head though, I picture him like putting his cheek out for a kiss, like closing his eyes and like, "Eh, come here, Tati." And then she's like, "Uh." - Ripley's a lover, not a fighter. So yeah, no, he's only expecting you to. - You know what skill would be useful for that, Jamie? Sleight of hand. - Oh, that's a really good point. - I was gonna give it to you.

- Like walk out of the room and rope somebody into like thinking you're not gonna punch them and then do it. - Yeah. (all laughing) - I think it kind of gives it away when you grew to be 10 feet tall, but you know, hey, you know, you double in size. - And so this is, you hit the ground and you just stride up, blam. Just, this is, I'm not even gonna ask you to roll because he's not, yeah, no. Shit, Jamison, I thought that was a can of Surge and you would completely undone all the damage you did with Licorice. Like I was like, "Shit, yeah." - What are you talking about?

That would triple the damage. (all laughing) - To your body maybe. - I would be dead. - To your body, yeah, to your heart. - Like, you know. - What's wrong with the cool thing? - I was gonna redeem myself in your eyes is that what it is? - Okay, you don't gotta put it. (all laughing) - At your funeral, man, he was a cool son of a bitch when you drank that Surge. - I read after, it's not a watch to me. - Literally, I watched his heart explode on camera. - Was it the coolest fucking thing? - I am a well-known piece of shit. - Yes, that would have been impressive.

(all laughing) - I'm not gonna tell you. - Oh, but his wife is using it. - The kids are gonna miss him, though, seriously. (all laughing) - Rad as fuck, rest in peace. - Fucking, what a guy, goddamn. He didn't even care which Ninja Turtles, he just liked them, God. (all laughing) - That would be on my fucking epitaph. (all laughing) - Tiny ones, man. - Like all the Ninja Turtles. (all laughing) - The most man-child epitaph in the world, that's what I get. - Hey, some people put cheese dip recipes on their tombstones, okay? It could get weirder. - I feel like that's a little bit more dignified in some ways.

At least that's useful, right? - It's true. - I think drinking a can of Surge would be the worst than any professed love for the Ninja Turtles. - But if you put Ninja Turtles brand tombstone, then it's like, mm. What is this guy doing? (all laughing) - It's like a big fucking half-shell shaped. (all laughing) - I can't fucking talk with my name. (all laughing) - You guys are crazy. (all laughing) - He died how he lived, that fucking pathetic. (all laughing) - He was truly a hero in a half-shell. - He was totally tubular. (all laughing) - Cowabunga. - Cowabunga.

- God damn it. - Okay, all right. I'm all for you. - If that isn't your funeral, I'm gonna be mad. (all laughing) - All right, I'll let Lindsey know. (all laughing) - You're right here, the actual, - Don't tell her I said it, though. - loving funeral. What the fuck is this shit? - Don't know where the turtle is. He didn't know this guy at all. - I don't see one bandana. - Fuck this. (all laughing) - They only mentioned Raphael, what the fuck? They didn't mention the other. (all laughing) - Leonardo was the backbone of that. (all laughing) - Okay. Yeah, he's gonna fall down, obviously.

Like your fist is the size of his face now. So he's already pretty beat up, right? So he's gonna, are you on the offensive? Like, are you now looming over him or is it just punch and then wait for him to do something? - I think she is not gonna wait. I think she is going to get on him and keep punching. - Okay, well, all right. - Tatiana has never seen Ripley this, what's the word I'm looking for? - Defenseless, weak? - Weak, yeah. I've never seen him with his defenses this down before. He's usually always pretty on top of it. So she's gonna take advantage of the opportunity, which is what he taught her to do.

- Yeah, probably regretting that right about now, but yeah, okay, so shit. Okay. He doesn't wanna hit Tati, but he doesn't wanna die. Okay, so I genuinely think he's too stupid and cocky not to taunt you. So, okay. Are you just hovering over and like, blam, like just like raining down blows or? - Yeah, if he fell down on the ground, Tatiana probably got on top of him and is hitting him. - Okay, well, before the first punch rains down and you get on top of him, he would probably say something gross. Something like, "Oh, here in front of everybody? I didn't know that." Like something like that.

And then punch in the face, punch in the face, punch in the face, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, he's probably struggling to get away, but like he's been drained dry of blood. - Yeah. - And at a certain point, just like his face is pulp for the most part. Like he has been, he was already beat before you got here. This is not helping. So there's blood trickling out of his nose and mouth and it's just kind of like running down his chest. And he's probably gonna plead for you to stop at some point, but like, just it's like, stop, stop. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

- And I think at a certain point, because she's going off like pure adrenaline right now, as she's hitting him, like tears are gonna start to roll down her cheeks because after leaving hell, she's trying to do the right thing. And right now she is beating a man senseless. So this is feeling very polar to what her intentions are, even though, and this is somebody that she once loved, maybe not now, but at a certain point in her life, she loved this person. So it is hard for her to end things, which is what she knows she needs to do after talking with Ellen in hell.

And through these tears, she's just going to say, as she's sort of slowing down and he's obviously seeming beaten, Ripley, what did you do? And she's just gonna like drop him to the ground and stand up. - Boy, okay. He's obviously like just sprawled out, right? Just kind of like wiggling on the stone and like, y'all, done. I imagine everyone running down the stairs. Like they're gonna catch up in just a minute, but like the vision is, oh, this guy's such a threat we need to get. And it's just pounced. (mimics gun firing) That's not a bitch. Like I don't get the threat, but like, okay.

Like it kind of seems mean. (all laughing) - She's huge. - She's so enlarged right now. And she's probably feeling that, like maybe kind of feeling like a little bit of a bully right now. But if you were to put the context in it. - Right, yeah, dope. (mumbles) - Yeah, totally. Out of context, guys. - Tati's gonna be on Twitter tomorrow. Like it's bad. - Tati is beating this guy. Does it look like she's wavering at all in her conviction? - When she stands up, definitely. - Yeah. - Blevins is above you like Tinkerbell flying. And he's just, he's like calmly encouraging you, almost goading you and saying, do not waver young Tatiana.

Complete your mission. Victory is within your grasp. This will be a cause to celebrate yet. And he's just gliding above you, watching you beat this man. - Blevins is like Navi encouraging Zelda, like the link to murder. - Hey, listen. Hey, listen, keep kicking him in the ribs. - Like just like smelly hidden. - Crush his bones. - He's still laughing. (laughing) - He's like, he'll hold up his hand. Like stop. Stop. - I could explain most of this. But there's long pause after it's like. - Just long pan out to all of the city. (laughing) - Not the vampire Pomeranian, but like I could explain most of this other stuff.

Like, not the blade Trinity dog, but like this, you know. (clears throat) So I started out with a real good intentions. And I feel like that lady made things go a little out of hand. Did you run into her? 'Cause she pinned me the fucking stone back there and stole a lot of my blood. So if you could take care of her, I'd really appreciate it Tati, please. - The demon, is that who you're talking about, the demon? And she's wiping away tears right now, embarrassed. - Yeah, yeah. She was a demon? - Yeah, and then she's gonna take out her other dagger. Get ready to say hi.

And she's gonna hold it up to him, even though he's on the ground prone. - Okay, well, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. I think we all need to calm down. Just a little bit. Before one of us does something that we're gonna regret, I get tempers are flared right now. We haven't seen each other in a while. And whenever we meet up, this kind of a violence thing that happens. Personally, I would like to move forward in our relationship and kind of leave that thing behind. I feel like we're both getting older and it's just not healthy. (laughs) - Todd, do you want me to blast this guy?

- Got some radiance on standby. - I imagine you guys have caught up by now, just to, you know, like, you know. - Just like listening to all this bullshit. Able to recognize it. - If, okay, if Joe says something like that, your friends seem real violent. I don't understand where that's coming from now. It's just, it's the wrong crowd. And it's leaning over into you. This isn't you. - Violent. And she's gonna laugh. Rip, have you seen the fucking city? Have you seen what you have done? What we're gonna do to you is nothing compared to what you have done to this city.

- I am the victim of incompetency. The problem is no one wants to work anymore. And once I took over, everyone wanted to drink blood. No one wanted to go get blood. And I couldn't do it because I was running things. So, - There you have it. Like he's just gonna rest his case. Like, it's like, there you go. - Kill me or don't, whatever. - Honestly, I still think we could save it. I just, you know, if we get, if you get a few hundred gallons of blood poured through the city and get people fed, they're just gonna get their senses back and they'll understand that this isn't sustainable.

If you can help me up, I'd really appreciate it. Like he's moved on. Like he's just like, he's, you know, even if you still have the dagger, like it's like, I was hurt too. Look, I could barely speak. I got no blood. You don't have an expendable party member, do you? Because if you did, - She looks towards Ian. (all laughing) - I just need a little, I just need a little bit. I won't turn him. - He would probably even be so bitter. I see everybody, the rest of the group. - Like just kind of like a half part. - Because he wants to make a good impression on you, friend.

(all laughing) - Tatiana is getting annoyed because this is Ripley's same old shit, okay? It's the same old stuff. He always pulls. It's like, what are you talking about? I didn't do anything. - Babe. - What do you mean? (all laughing) And so she is going to exasperatedly, like throw down her dagger and just yell, fuck! And sort of look towards her party members and then she's gonna put it back up towards Ripley. I made a promise I was gonna take care of this, Rip. You've messed up too far this time. - I'm mad too. I get it. I, you know, I saw it. I saw where it was going and I tried to stop it and no one wanted to listen to me.

The problem is I was being responsible for once. (Tatiana laughing) I tried to institute blood rationing. I tried blaming neighborhood cities. Nothing worked, honestly. I'll tell you what I can do. If I helped you kill everyone, could you and I get a coffee or something? We could sit down and talk. (Tatiana laughing) - I hate Ripley so much. - I, I- - He's so annoying. (all laughing) - This is the most pathetic he's ever been portrayed in. - Literally. - I don't like it. And it takes the fun out of murdering him. - A little bit. - He's like, "Hey, listen, I know I fucked up here, okay?

I tried." And she's gonna sort of like waver again and her party members will probably see it and she'll keep putting this dagger up and down. Like she's almost trying to decide in herself what she's gonna do. So she's like, "Uh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh." And she's just gonna put up a finger, "Stay right there." And she's gonna turn around to her party members. - Do we think we can get out of this city of undead by ourselves? - Well, what about- - I mean, we've got you and she looks towards Fonk. - Oh yeah, but like just do him first and then we'll figure it out.

(all laughing) What do you do? You're gonna get up, so turn your back on him. - Peeks over her shoulder. - Do you want me to do it? I'll do it. - Blevins, he- - She thinks about it for a second. - Blevins says, "You mustn't. "It has to be her." - Doesn't make it look like it was her. (all laughing) - And I think hearing them talk about it, Tatiana knows what she has to do. Not necessarily what she wants to do, but what she has to do. - And she's going to pull out her bow and fire on Ripley. - Where? - Where do you kill a vampire? The heart, right? - Oh yeah. - The heart or the head?

I feel like the heart is poetic for her to shoot, so I feel like I gotta go for the heart. And as she fires, she'll just go, "Sorry, babe." And just pew. (dice clattering) - Hmm. He really doesn't want to die, but he doesn't really have a lot of cards left to play. I'm going to make one athletics check. And I would like to make it against your attack roll. Shit, 20's pretty good. - Pretty good. - I don't. So normally he has a plus of nine, but right now it's more like a four. So, well. 19. - Oh. - Wow. - Oh. - Oh, close. - I had hope. - I had hope. - He'll probably like, it'll...

In his head, he probably saw himself catch it, but he's really just gripping the shaft of the arrow that's already in his heart. And it went through enough that it's wood. It's a stake, essentially. So there'll be a second where he'll go to say something, so it's like, okay, now that that arrow thing's out of the way, let's get back to talking. And just like, he'll start to just dust, like just boom. And that's it, he's gone. That is all, no more Ripley. - Does he turn to dust? - In a drastic case like this, yes. Yes, he does. - Oh, 'cause he's been drained.

- Just for flavor, can Tatiana's dagger wrote main that he took? - Oh yeah, all the stuff. - She's gonna pick it up. - It's mine now, mine forever. - I cast gust and then... (laughing) - So like, you know. - We all start coughing on fucking. (laughing) - I cast gust directly in Eden's face, just all as a gamble. (laughing) - Pocket sand. (laughing) - Vampire ash. - So like his filthy leather jacket and everything is still there. And like his fingerless gloves are gonna blow into the wind and all that shit. Just like, yeah, just that's it. So this place is still falling apart.

Don't wanna rush you, but. - Yeah. - Yeah, I think Tatiana would pick up the dagger and sort of clasp it in her hand after kneeling on the ground, stand up and just say, let's go, let's get out of here. - Blevins would be kind of gliding over and he just, he comes over to Tatiana. He clasps her hands together and he says, Tatiana, young Tatiana, do you know what this means? What you've just done. - I don't. - You followed through on her will. This is a cause for celebration. You've done it. - Cool, can we escape first though, maybe? - Oh, sure, sure. I assume, Khajiit, that you've done an amazing thing today.

(laughing) - Thanks, thanks, man. Thanks, that was hard, but thank you. Your words make me feel affirmed. - You should be. You are a loyal servant of Ambry, as we all are. - Let's go. - Let's continue. - Here, when your super religious friend trusts how everything you mean so much. (laughing) - Okay, yeah, this has been fun. Let's, um. - Yeah. - Wow. - That's something that's large. - Chunks of the ceiling are scraping in behind you. - Right. Guys, I think that's a good time for us to stop. (gasping) And we're gonna have to, yeah, we're gonna have to make some decisions, but my throat hurts from laughing.

So, fair enough. This was fun, I missed this. (laughing) - This is a good time. - I will admit, I fucked a lot of time away. (laughing) It was like the first hour, forfeit. - We all did, though. - Yeah, well, you know, I'm supposed to be the voice of reason when it comes to that, but I just missed hanging out with you guys so much. so much.